Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s02e10 Episode Script

1 That's it.
If homicide detectives start looking into our missing people, we're done.
Maybe we'll be okay.
The storage units are under fake names and we've started to kill outside of our friend circle.
You're defrosting an elbow in our microwave.
- We are terrible murderers! - [MICROWAVE BEEPS.]
Well, maybe they'll be terrible detectives.
We wouldn't survive a terrible cleaning woman.
So, what are you saying? [SIGHS.]
We should think about leaving before it's too late.
- Leaving? Where would we go? - I don't know.
We'd just keep going until we found someplace safe.
[SCOFFS.]
What about Abby? She's still in school.
She can't live like a fugitive.
We could stop in Phoenix and drop her at your sister's.
Oh, my God.
You've really thought about this.
Since the day you killed Gary.
If we get caught, we'll never see each other again.
And if Abby's with us, she could end up in prison, too.
We don't have a lot of good choices.
No, but we do have Gary.
Right.
I guess we'd take him with us.
He's small and he knows a lot of jokes.
No, I'm saying that Anne's theory is that the same person killed Dan and Gary.
But if we can prove that Dan and Gary are alive, it destroys her case.
So what are you suggesting? We walk into a sheriff's office, hold up Gary's head and say "Look, we're innocent.
We killed this guy, but he won't stay dead.
" Of course not.
But sort of.
[MICROWAVE DINGS.]
I want your opinion on my plan to blow up the trailer on the fracking site.
Really? You said you didn't want my input 'cause I'm not doing it with you.
What was that animal you compared me to? Was it a brave creature? Oh, no, that's right, a mouse.
But we made up.
I'm not sure you specifically apolog - We made up.
- Thank you, I accept.
Also my pride has been replaced by how much I like my hands and how hard it would be to drive home if my arms ended at my wrists.
This is the explosive device I'm thinking of using.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
[SUCKS BREATH.]
Ooh! Um Oh, okay.
Yeah, I mean, this'll probably work.
I'm thinking, with explosives, "this will probably work" isn't where I wanna be.
I mean, there are a couple of issues, but nothing you can't fix.
- When do you need it? - Tonight.
Oh, my God, you're gonna die.
They're having a press rollout tomorrow talking about how great it is to fuck the Earth with their toxic semen, so their trailer needs to be a smoking hole in the ground by morning.
Wow, you will never work in corporate PR.
Okay.
Instead of transporting and assembling these volatile materials, it'd be safer to use what's already there.
The trailer has propane tanks.
Why not create a simple device to explode those? Genius.
Is there anyone in this room who could build such a device? There is one person.
Have I told that person how much I love him? - No.
- As a friend? Constantly.
Seriously, Eric, my hands thank you.
Ha! Your hands.
That's cute.
You would've been blown so high into the stratosphere, you'd come down as rain in Europe.
So, using this burner phone, you'll record a message to Dan.
- Which is left on this burner phone.
- Neither of which are traceable.
And we'll plant that phone somewhere Anne will find it.
"What's this? Why, it's a phone that must've belonged to Dan.
" Curious, she'll listen to the voicemail.
"I'm a cop.
I wanna know everything.
It's so annoying.
" [SHEILA.]
She'll hear your message to Dan.
"Oh, my, Gary and Dan are still alive.
I should learn to leave well enough alone.
" And her whole theory will implode.
Ba-boom! Or since it's imploding, boom-ba! So, what do you think? - How's everyone's morning? - What? Just making conversation.
Excuse me for wanting human contact.
I was here yesterday.
I scratched your ears and we listened to Quadrophenia.
- For 15 minutes.
- I had to visit a clam farm so the world wouldn't end, and then get a rocket fired at me.
I didn't say you're not important, Mr.
Big Shot.
Okay, my morning was great, Gary.
I went to the new Save 'n Save, bought two burner phones, these bracelets, and a pair of barbecue tongs, all for only $38.
I love that you're a smart shopper, and we did need new tongs.
But since our lives depend on it, I might not have bought - the cheapest phones on Earth.
- They're fine.
You're just upset 'cause you can't play Flappy Dunk on them.
So, we're thinking something like, "Hey, Dan, it's Gary.
I'm on my way to Mexico to find you.
" "I have your laundered drug money.
And please don't send another Serbian goon to cut off a finger like you did before.
" The Serbian thing connects another missing person we killed.
- But only if you can work it in.
- Try to work it in.
I'm just saying, if you load it up with too much exposition - It'll be better.
- Or it might not be believable.
- Try to work it in.
- Or don't.
Shall we? [CELL PHONE DIALING.]
Hey, Dan.
It's Gary.
I'm on my way to Mexico to meet with you.
But since I'm only a head, it may take me a few years to roll there.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- Delete.
Sorry, I'm just rarely the center of attention anymore.
Fine.
Let's do this.
Hey, Dan.
It's Gary.
How's the weather in Mexico? And by "Mexico," I mean the inside Sheila's stomach.
- That's two.
- Delete.
Hey, Dan.
It's Gary.
I've laundered your money.
I'll meet you in Guadalajara on Thursday.
I'll be wearing a Padres cap and nothing else.
Oh, the shark, babe Has such teeth, dear I heard Joel killed you with a shovel and then Sheila ate you.
With her teeth, dear.
And she shows them So, I will see you in Guadalajara with the money next week.
We did it, buddy.
We're rich.
[BRACELETS JANGLING.]
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- Perfect.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Now, I want you guys to do something for me.
- Why do your ears get so itchy? - No, it's not that.
I want you to kill me.
- What? - My niece and Hailey are safe.
I don't have a purpose anymore.
I don't wanna sit in a vase forever, guys.
That's no life.
But we just started rewatching The Wire.
Joel I'm ready to die.
I know you've gotten to be friends with him, honey, but if Gary wants to die, or be deader, I think we need to help him.
I know, but I just started to like having him around.
It's like taking in a stray dog.
Housebreaking him, letting him sleep on your bed Then one day you're playing fetch and he comes back with a gun and asks you to shoot him.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
Abby's on her way.
Listen, if this phone thing doesn't work and we get caught, I think I should take the fall.
- Joel.
- We'll say I'm a serial killer who's cannibal-curious, and you had no idea.
People are surprised by their spouses all the time.
Judy Plumpton just found out that Bob doesn't like any form of chickpeas, and they've been married 20 years.
How crazy is that? - Honey - That way, you can stay with Abby.
And I'd be fine in prison.
I make friends super easy and I love bunk beds.
You're also a picky eater and you don't like people touching your stuff.
Plus, there's no guarantee you'll get the top bunk.
Hey, guys, what's up? We know you've been working really hard on a school project, so we decided to make you some lunch.
Lunch.
Oh, boy! Sensing an agenda, but whatever.
Alphabet soup? Oh, boy! And I mean it.
I haven't even done anything and it already says "fart.
" Like it knows who's eating it.
So, are you guys coming to my mom's baptism later? Prepare yourselves.
Anne invited a ton of her friends, so it's gonna be wall-to-wall cops.
- They forgot.
- We didn't forget.
But I am wondering, how important is it that we go? Not at all? I agree.
I think it's gonna be suspicious if we don't go.
Besides, Anne may be the instrument of our doom, but she's still my friend and this baptism is important to her.
The gal does love her some God.
Yeah, she sees His work in everything we do.
I know that because she crocheted me a pillow that says, "I see His work in everything we do.
" It must be nice to have the comfort and clarity of religion.
The only things I believe in enough to put on a pillow are "I'm winging it" and "All races taste the same.
" Oh, Anne also invited the head of the homicide unit, Bill Ramirez.
I met him once.
Super intimidating.
I confessed to stealing Milk Duds when I was seven, which I didn't even do.
So, there's that, too.
Bill Ramirez, honey.
There's that, too.
I know, sweetheart, but we still have to go.
Fine.
Then we're gonna need your help with something.
- So this lunch was a bribe? - No.
We just feel guilty because we're gonna ask you to do something that's potentially dangerous.
And we wanted to give you a treat to incentivize you to go Oh, it is a bribe.
Wow, I can't believe your family's survival comes down to us.
My parents can't sneak around your house trying to hide a phone.
What if they got caught? Which you know they would because they're not good at anything.
Apart from being realtors.
And they don't even pronounce that right.
It's just when it comes to being clandestine, spelling dirty words in alphabet soup is kind of the edge of my comfort zone.
- Are my mom and Anne still in the yard? - Yeah, still putting out chairs.
[ERIC.]
Okay.
All right, I got one of Dan's flak jackets.
I'm placing the phone in the pocket, but not so deep that Anne won't hear it when we call and Huh.
What? This is C4.
That's a military-grade explosive.
Why would Dan have this? Because he was reckless and stupid.
- Let's take it.
I can use it tonight.
- Wait, what? No.
Abby, you shouldn't go tonight, anyway.
There's way too much happening.
Just give it a few days, see if things settle down.
Things are never going to settle down.
You don't know that.
Eric, it might not be now, but one day, they're going to come for my mom.
And when that happens, our lives are over.
So before this ends, I wanna know that I was here, that I existed.
I need to make a mark.
- By destroying something? - By saving something.
And I don't have time to wait for someone else to do it.
I really admire your commitment and steely resolve, but I wish you didn't have any of it.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Someone's coming.
Hey.
- You see, 'cause it's blue - And green.
And green.
That's how you know.
- Eric, Abby.
- Hi.
What are you guys doing? Eric has something he wants to say to you on this, the holy day of Lisa's baptism.
Eric? Today is my mother's baptism.
It'll be sunny and warm, high in the mid-90s.
Ha! He's so shy.
I'll start him off.
He just wants to say how much he appreciates everything you've done for Lisa and how happy he is that you're in their lives.
- Okay, buddy? - Okay.
The rest is up to you.
- I mean, she pretty much said it.
- Thank you, Eric.
That's sweet.
I love your mother, and I think you're pretty great, too.
Oh, well Well, I'm just gonna grab some sunscreen.
Wait! Would it be weird if I called you "Mother"? No, that is weird and not at all necessary, but thank you.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- What the hell is that? Sounds like it's coming from the closet.
- Dan's closet? - [RINGING CONTINUES.]
What? That's impossible.
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING.]
- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
Wow.
That's a lot of cops.
It's going to be okay, honey.
Abby said Anne found the phone.
We don't know if she heard Gary's message, or if she ever will.
Listen, if things go south, we should have a panic word.
A panic word? Yeah.
Something that if one of us says, the other will know there's trouble and we have to go.
A word we wouldn't ordinarily use, like halibut.
- Halibut? - It doesn't have to be halibut.
I vote it's not.
Everything's gonna be fine.
We, mostly you, just need to be calm.
- Look at how relaxed everyone is.
- Maybe none of them are murderers.
That would free up a lot of mental bandwidth.
Or maybe they're just all religious like Anne.
She's never stressed out.
Maybe we should join a church.
It could be good for us.
Maybe.
It would be nice to give the weekend some structure.
But right now, let's just get through this and avoid that Bill Ramirez guy.
- I know.
Which one do you think he is? - Hello.
Bill Ramirez.
Bill Ramirez! - Honey! - I'm seeing him.
I can tell by how you comport yourselves that you're the only people here not in law enforcement.
You got us.
We're the Hammonds.
- This is my Joel husband.
- Dah! - She means, Joel, husband.
- Husband, Joel.
There it is.
And this is my wife, Joel.
Wow.
Sheila.
My wife, Sheila.
And you're right, we're not in law enforcement.
We're "realators.
" So, Hammonds, you guys knew Dan, right? We sure did.
He lived right next door.
I thought he lived here.
Uh, next door to us, which is next door.
To him.
- Where he lived.
- Which is here.
- Not there.
- Where we are.
- Although, not now.
- No.
Now we're over here.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm gonna go put this down.
It was so nice to meet you.
Yes.
Jesus Christ, we just spent ten minutes explaining the concept of "next door.
" What happened to you? I'm the one that's shitty at this.
I got nervous.
He's a homicide detective and we're homicide enthusiasts.
It's not a good match.
Hey.
- We don't have to leave town.
- Wait, what? Anne heard the message from Gary.
She was totally bummed, said her whole case collapsed.
She's canceling her meeting with Bill Ramirez next week.
- Oh, my God.
- We did it! We, mostly you, are fucking masterminds.
Unbelievable.
Something you guys planned actually worked.
If this happens a thousand more times, I may have to rethink my perception of you.
I love it when you almost respect us.
I'm getting a drink.
You need anything? Just to revel in my fucking glory.
- Hey, guys.
- Hiya.
Hey, Sheila.
You look beautiful.
I love those bracelets.
I can never wear anything like that.
The Lord gave me these giant wrists.
What are you talking about? Your wrists are lovely.
When Anne was a little girl, her father told her she had man-wrists.
Totally fucked her up.
Men are capable of such specific abuse.
Anne, everything about you is beautiful, inside and out.
And that goes for all of you.
You are awesome, strong, loving women, and I am so grateful that we are all gonna get to be friends for the rest of our lives.
- That's so sweet.
- Hello, ladies.
How's everyone's day? Oh, great now.
It was pretty sucky earlier.
Really? That's terrible.
I'm sorry that happened, whatever it was.
Anne found an old phone of Dan's.
There was a message on it from Gary, who's still alive.
- Get out! - Holy cow! [LISA.]
Right? And Dan's in Mexico.
Probably getting his dick fixed.
That man was all kinds of crooked.
Anyway, because of that voicemail, Anne's entire theory imploded.
Boom-ba! Because it's an implosion.
I'm sorry, Anne.
But the important thing is is you tried.
And now you can stop trying.
At least I found more evidence that Dan was a dirty cop.
I sent the phone to our tech guy to see what else he could get off of it.
Texts, deleted voice messages, emails - Hang on.
- Yeah, hang on.
Did you say deleted voice messages? Because they're deleted, which means they're gone, so why are we even talking about it? Goodbye.
End of story.
Actually, most people don't know this, but phone companies store deleted voice messages for a few days in case a customer wants to retrieve one or law enforcement wants to listen.
- I did not know that.
- [LISA.]
I didn't either.
Me neither.
So, did your bisexuality sneak up on you or did it burn inside you for a long time? Who cares? What is it with you and missing people, anyway? It's like you're obsessed.
Well, solving crime is my calling, Joel.
I believe I serve God by bringing evildoers to justice.
Halibut.
I want halibut.
I'm going to the food table to see if there's halibut.
Sometimes he craves really good whitefish.
Everyone says it's okay.
[SHEILA SIGHS.]
We are not acting normal, mostly you.
Everything is on those deleted messages.
Everything! That I killed Dan, that you ate Gary Well, we just have to figure out a way to erase them.
We can't erase them.
- There must be something we can do.
- Sheila.
- Someone that can help.
- Sheila! There's nothing we can do.
They're going to find them, maybe even today, and arrest us.
We have to get out now! I can't.
This is our home.
Honey, it's over.
Go home and start packing.
I'll go to the storage unit and get enough food to go on the road.
We'll leave in an hour.
- What about Gary? - I'll get him, too.
And if he still wants to die, then we can do it on our way out of town.
I'll call my sister and tell her that we're bringing Abby.
We'll be okay, honey.
And when we get settled, we'll send for her.
We'll be a family again.
I know.
And let's not tell her about your sister until we're on the road.
Yeah.
Abby's gonna have an opinion about that.
[ABBY.]
Opinion about what? Oh, God.
What's going on? The phone thing didn't work.
It made it worse.
Oh, no.
- My family's leaving.
- Leaving? - When? - In an hour.
- Jesus.
- Eric, listen.
We're gonna keep knowing each other, okay? We're just taking a break.
- I wanna go with you.
- You can't.
You know that.
I have to go.
Okay.
Should we kiss? I feel like if we kiss, I'll never see you again.
Yeah.
Let's kiss anyway.
Well, we did that.
Yes, we did.
What? I'm gonna blow that fracking trailer up tonight.
- My tribute to you.
- Oh, cool.
Thanks.
You mean, "Eric, you don't have to do that.
" - No, it's great.
- Abby, I'm doing it.
Mm-hmm.
Gary's in a bowling ball bag in the car, so, glad we're finally using that.
Abby's pulling camping stuff out of the garage.
- How's it going in here? - Good.
Your stuff's in that bag.
You packed me, like, all my lingerie.
No shoes or pants? Did I? I'm panicking, so my lizard brain is making a lot of the decisions.
Listen, we may not have time to discuss this again.
If we get caught Honey, I'm the one responsible for this, so I It has to be me.
Do you understand? If they find out what you are, you won't even get to prison.
So, please, I need you to promise, if it comes to it, you'll let me take the blame.
I promise.
Okay, good.
So, socks.
- Three pairs or all of 'em? - Aunt Kathy called.
She said something about getting a room ready for me.
- Right.
We were gonna tell you.
- Yeah, we're not doing that.
We don't even know where we're going.
We might be living on the road.
Hey, we're a family.
If you fuckers try to leave me somewhere, I will track you down and give you so much shit, it'll make the time you didn't take me to see One Direction feel like a walk in the goddamn park.
I told you she'd have an opinion.
[JOEL SIGHS.]
All right.
Go pack.
Please.
I've had my go-bag ready since you killed Gary.
By the way, you're taking too much stuff.
Also, you should go to the bank and withdraw as much cash as you can before they freeze your accounts.
What were we thinking? We're so gonna need her.
[GARY.]
I agree with Abby.
It feels like too much stuff.
- Thank you.
- [SHEILA.]
Yeah.
And why are we bringing the toaster oven? - We just bought it.
- Hey, guys.
[BOTH GASP.]
What's up? You going on a trip? No, no.
We're just donating a bunch of things to Goodwill.
We were so inspired by Lisa's baptism.
It was beautiful.
I didn't see you guys after.
- We ran home to give our things away.
- That's right.
It all connects.
All our ducks, right in a row.
Well, I just wanted to come over and thank you for what you said about always being friends.
I was feeling pretty bummed about my case falling apart, and you reminded me what's really important.
Well, I'm so glad.
I really meant it.
I'm just really thankful that God brought you into my life.
I am, too, Anne.
Here.
I want you to have these.
For your beautiful wrists.
Wow, thank you so much, Sheila.
Hey, you know, as long you're giving stuff away, could I have this guitar? My guitar? I've always wanted to learn how to play.
- Okay.
- Great, thanks.
Oh, are these men's clothes? My brother would love this stuff.
He's been a little down on his luck lately.
- Okay.
- Great.
Thanks.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMING.]
- Oh.
Oh, it's my tech guy.
Hey, Steve.
What'd you find on Dan's phone? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Wow.
Are you sure about that? [ANNE.]
Okay.
Thanks.
- Well, it's all over, guys.
- I'm gonna throw up.
They couldn't find anything.
Did you just say you were gonna throw up? It can wait.
Go on.
Well, it turns out Dan was using a super cheap burner phone and the company doesn't keep deleted voice mails.
- [JOEL.]
Really? - [SHEILA.]
Wow! Dan is a pretty brilliant criminal, buying the cheapest phone he could find.
God, I love him.
I mean the same way I love Hitler or Stalin.
They were all babies once.
Okay.
Hey, maybe I'll snag this toaster oven, too.
Lisa could use a new one.
Could you just stuff your clothes under my arm here? I'm running out of hands.
Thank you.
All right, I'll see you guys.
[SHEILA SIGHS.]
- So we're staying? - Yeah.
We're safe.
She took all my stuff.
- Yeah, we're lucky she's not a bowler.
- [GARY.]
Speaking of which, I'd love to get out of this bag and stretch my face.
You got it, buddy.
Let's run back to the storage unit.
We can try soaking your neck in whiskey like you wanted, see if you get a buzz.
[GARY.]
Actually, Joel, I still want you to kill me tonight.
- Abby.
- We're not leaving.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You guys are getting our toaster oven.
- Okay.
So, I can do this tonight.
You don't have to anymore.
It'll be safer if I go with you.
I lost you once today.
I don't wanna lose you again.
Okay.
We'll leave as soon as it gets dark.
Yes, I'm sure.
You think this is enough C4? That on a propane tank? It'll light up the sky from here to Fresno.
Great.
Let's take more.
- So you wanna talk about the kiss? - I don't think so.
Cool.
Don't need to.
When I first met Gary West, I was not a fan.
Oh, the feeling was mutual, my friend.
But now, though he's only ten inches tall, I look up to him.
[BRACELETS JANGLING.]
Son of a I'll never forget the night we thought Sheila killed Carl.
I found myself in the storage unit with Gary.
I was pretty upset until he shared this story about the time he saw Paul Shaffer at a car wash holding this super tiny cat that somehow Gary, knucklehead, thought was a woman's glove.
Its legs looked like furry little fingers.
Why would he be cradling a woman's glove? I thought he was sad because he lost the other one.
- It makes no sense! - Classic Gary.
So funny.
We could go on all night, and almost have.
- Right.
- Ah.
[JOEL.]
Gary, you've been someone I can talk to, someone who listens, who has opinions, especially when it comes to baseball.
- Ugh, fucking Padres.
- Who roots for the Padres? - I'm from San Diego! - Maybe I'll come back and pick you up.
[GARY.]
No, no, no, let's do it.
Come on, right now, quick and clean.
Yeah.
We got this a couple weeks ago when we thought we needed it for me.
It's pretty, isn't it? We thought you might enjoy being shot with it through a silk pillow.
Oh! You guys are the best.
I mean, sure, you disemboweled me and buried me alive, but after that you really stepped up.
I'm gonna miss you both.
Bye, Gary.
Aw.
- Bye, buddy.
- Goodbye, Gary.
[GUN CLICKS.]
[JOEL SIGHS.]
I can't.
[GARY CHUCKLES.]
You worried about killing half the world's Padres fans? Can you do it? One, two Cha-cha-cha.
You're right.
It's too hard.
It feels wrong.
[CAR ENGINE HUMMING.]
[BOTH GASP.]
- Someone's coming! - Oh! Hide the head! Hide the fucking head! - I have a name.
- Shit! If you're gonna bury someone out here, you should turn your cell phones off so they can't be tracked.
What? That's crazy.
I don't know what you're talking about, even a little.
[BRACELETS JANGLING.]
I realized I heard that sound somewhere.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
- [GARY.]
We did it, buddy.
We're rich.
[BRACELETS JANGLING.]
It was on Gary's voice message.
You guys were there when he recorded it.
It all makes sense now.
Why Joel's always nervous around me, your obsession with my case, even why you were loading up your car today.
You guys killed Dan.
Why else would you try so hard to make me think he was alive? You're both murderers.
No.
Not both of us.
- Just - Me.
- What are you doing? - If I go away, Abby lives with you, and she has a chance at a normal life.
If you're gone, she'll never have that.
But you promised.
It was gonna be me.
Joel.
It was always gonna be me.
No.
We're leaving, Anne.
And if you happen to have my guitar, I'll take that, too.
You're never getting that guitar.
And you're also not leaving.
Guys, come on.
Put the guns down! Your lady weapon is only good from about five feet away, Joel.
- Then I'll move closer.
- Then I'll shoot you.
- You're not gonna shoot me.
- I will shoot you.
I don't know her that well.
- You're not gonna shoot me.
- I will shoot you.
- You're not gonna shoot - Oh, my God, new plan! [SHEILA SHOUTING.]
Okay, you shot me.
It's your training.
I'm not mad.
How how? What? Anne, I'm gonna tell you the truth.
Then I'm hoping you're gonna let us go.
- I can't let you go.
- I died and then I came back to life.
And now I hunt people to survive.
But only bad people.
In a way, it's like what you do, only we're volunteers.
- That's impossible.
- You just shot her.
- You can shoot her again if you want.
- Yeah, you can totally shoot Whoa.
Anne does not have a problem shooting people.
So you've risen from the dead? And and you're doing God's work by ridding the world of evildoers? Is that what you're saying? - It's not not what we're saying.
- That that can't be true.
- This is a trick.
- [JOEL.]
A trick? Then how do you explain this? Behold! Hi.
Gary West.
[SCREAMING.]
- She can grant eternal life! - Eternal! Oh, Lord! Help me.
Is it true? Have You chosen Sheila to do Your work? Unlikely, but seems to be true.
[ANNE.]
Help me understand, Lord.
If this is Your doing, show me a sign.
[DISTANT EXPLOSION.]
Praise be.
You are His instrument.
This makes me a little uncomfortable.
You did say you wanted to get more into religion.
I know, but I didn't wanna start one.
How may I serve you? Well, this just got fucking weird.
[EXPLOSION.]