Schitt's Creek (2015) s02e10 Episode Script

1 - Morning! - Hey! How are you? - Oh! - Good morning! Hi.
Oh, just continue on inside.
Well, I hope we didn't catch the two of you with your pants down.
- Oh - I'm just joking, I can see they're on.
No, we actually listened outside to make sure.
We just brought some leftovers by.
We had a little thing at the house last night and we didn't want all the food to go to waste, so.
Yeah, and you know what? We would have invited the two of you but it was kind of a Political schmooze-fest.
A lot of pressing of the flesh, and greasing palms, that kind of thing, you know.
It wasn't as much fun as it sounds.
Oh well, who wants an invitation to big soiree when you can be met the very next morning with some table scraps.
You know, people were talking about you too, Moira.
Oh, they were talking about the other candidate? Yes! You know, I can't wait for this whole thing to just be over so we can all just hang out again.
- Yeah, yeah - Mm-hmm.
Well, we are off to the bank.
We've got lots of donations that we need to deposit.
- Well, thank you.
Bye! - Bye! Those two are not as simple minded as we thought.
He is.
David, Ted said that I had to wear scrubs, but what does that mean really? Um, I think it means you have to wear scrubs.
Ugh.
I know but look at me.
You look amazing.
Who designs these things?! Whatever happened to empowering women's sexuality? I don't think sex appeal is the guiding principle behind nursing uniforms.
Obviously you've never been out for Halloween, David.
So are you nervous? This is like the first job you've ever had.
No it isn't.
Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
I was very hands on, David.
I came up with all the flavours by myself.
Even the one that poisoned all those people? David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free.
Ugh! Anyway, I'm actually really looking forward to this.
You look like a stick of gum.
Like what? David! Well how much did she take? Um, I'm gonna go get a latte.
Do you need anything? She's an IT manager, Gerald.
She makes more money than both of us combined.
I shouldn't be worrying about these things.
I would love a hot tea.
Okay.
Um Is everything okay? Yup.
Just chatting.
Listen, let me give you some cash for that.
I don't think that expense card is long for this world.
Mm, okay.
It's just I have, um, four more taxidermy peacocks coming this afternoon.
Oh, I can pay cash for those.
That's fine.
Don't answer that.
It's either Gerald or the school and I can't deal with either right now.
Okay.
Um, this is really intense, so I'm gonna go get that tea.
You're a doll.
You're a doll! Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late.
Um, I wasn't sure what the etiquette was for this kind of thing, so I walked around the block a little bit.
Oh, you can show up early, or on time.
Early is probably even better.
Okay, great.
Alexis, you wanted to be treated professionally, so I have to ask, where are the rest of your scrubs? Oh.
I thought this was kind of an either/or thing.
No, they come as a set.
That's why I gave you both.
Those bare legs are dangerous.
Ted! No, I'm serious.
The animals carry bugs or ticks that can burrow into your bare skin.
Ew! Don't worry, we'll just have you focus on filing for today.
Um, okay.
Awesome! Thank you.
So many files! I'll just dive right into this.
You won't even miss your last secretary once I get finished with these puppies.
Good news! I found you a loaner pair.
Helen must have left them.
Phew.
Thank you, Ted.
Those are just perfect.
Hello! Ronnie! Hello you! You're looking well today! New khakis I see.
Are you enjoying your coffee? I was.
I'm going to presume you were at Jocelyn's thing last night.
How was that? - Good.
Lots of dairy.
- Oh, yes.
If anyone knows how to put a lactose intolerant in the hospital, it's our Jocelyn.
Moira, is there something I can do for you? Yes, thank you! Ronnie, I was wondering whether or not you have decided on a candidate to endorse? - Not yet.
- Oh! Good.
Why is that good? I'm hoping I might persuade you to put your weight behind me.
Political weight.
I now realize 'clout' was the word I was looking for.
What makes you think I'd vote for you? You are a sensible woman, Ronnie, and you speak your mind.
I-i can feel your frustration with Roland.
Now imagine his wife on council, strengthening his agenda - And? - And, were I on council, I could support your agenda.
We could support each other's agendas.
Well, I don't hate what you're saying, so here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna invite some of my girl friends over and if you can get on the good side of these women, let's just say you'd be locking down a key demographic.
It's a date.
No.
No, it's not.
I wouldn't call it that.
No, i-i didn't I didn't mean - Uh! Just - No, I - Thank you.
- Okay.
Thank you, Ronnie.
Um, Doris, that is so exciting! Love him for you! I don't know.
I mean, poor Albert's allergic to cats.
But I can't leave Mittens alone.
So how do I spend time with Albert? Veterinary clinic, how can I help you? Can I put you on hold? Okay, so if there's one thing I learned, is that when it comes to love you cannot let little things get in your way.
Like I once dated this sultan's nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me and we made it work for like half a regime change, so - You what? - I know.
- Uh, Alexis, - Yes.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
We're gonna put this on pause.
The doctor needs me.
- Yes? - So how's the filing coming? I have been swamped.
Doris's cat is like totally high maintenance.
Yeah, well, Doris has been worried about her cat for two years.
She comes in every week.
Okay, well, what am I supposed to do? Poor thing is like desperate for a man.
And, uh, why are there three calls on hold? Um I don't know, someone hung up? Okay, Alexis, there is more to the job than just keeping the customers happy, all right? This is a place of business and right now, there are clients waiting to talk to me.
Are you sure that you're cut out for this? - Mm.
- Okay.
'Kay.
Well, look, I-I can't talk about this now, I have to go.
I just wanted to let you know that we just sold one of the leather ponchos.
Oh, we're selling leather ponchos now? Well, that doesn't sound cheap.
No, it's not, which is why it's so exciting that we just sold one.
- That's fabulous, David.
- It is.
Um, so I was gonna go, unless needed me for something else.
That was Gerald and now I have a meeting at the school tomorrow and I've got no one to take care of my stepdaughter.
His ex-wife certainly won't do it.
Wow well, if there's anything I can do, just I need someone to take care of my stepdaughter.
Okay.
Well, if there's anything I can do, just I need you to take care of my stepdaughter.
'Kay, I don't think that's a very good idea.
I'm gonna drop her off at four.
I'm looking forward to it.
You're a doll.
I brought you some trail mix, but I spilled it in my purse.
So sweet of you, Doris.
Thank you.
Hey, I was thinking about what you said yesterday and, um, I think Now is not a good time.
Okay.
Um how are things with Mittens? Uh he-he's dead.
Ew! I'm just trying to figure out what happened, all right? Okay.
Um, well, what am I supposed to tell Doris? Don't say anything to her.
Just keep her company while I figure this out, okay? Okay, so I'm just supposed to act like nothing happened? - Yeah, for now.
- Okay.
Um, how am I supposed to do that? - Alexis.
- Okay.
Yeah.
'Kay.
Hi! Um do you have any like DVDs or like a dusty old board game I could borrow? Oh, usually we reserve those for our platinum members.
Mhmm.
Oh, but I do have a Rummoli box filled with puzzle pieces on the shelf there.
Sounds like something you'd find at a serial killer's house.
Hmm.
Big night planned? Um, I am babysitting tonight, so You're joking.
Mm-mm.
I wish I was joking.
But you hate kids.
Mm-hmm.
That's correct.
- Oh my God.
Can I watch? - No.
- Or video tape? - No, you no.
- Can I bring friends? - No.
My boss's life is a bit of a mess right now, so I said I'd help out by babysitting her stepdaughter.
And you're sure you can do this on your own? Mm-hmm.
Um, 'cause I'm a fully capable human being.
Um, if you happen to find any Xanax Lying around anywhere, can you just Let me know about that? I-I think I might just pick up these treats while I wait.
Oh um, yeah, no, um But these treats are actually gonna go on sale next week, so maybe you just wanna hold off until then? Well, I think he'd really like them.
Yeah I'm sure he would really like them If he wasn't dead.
- What? - Yeah, he's dead.
But! But the good news is, you're not.
Mittens is dead? Yeah.
But um But you're free, Doris, and, in a way, so is Mittens.
- Oh.
What happened? - We're not sure yet, but I think that the important thing is that Mittens is no longer suffering.
Oh, what do I do now? Do I put him in a box? Bury him? Ew! No, we don't have to talk about that right now, okay? I know this is hard.
But, um, the upside, um The upside Oh! Is that Albert from the down the hall can now come over for dinner without worrying about his allergies threatening his life.
Hey.
I think it's time that we find you a new love of your life.
It's okay.
John, wait.
I didn't tell you earlier because I didn't want you to back out on me, but you're going to be the only man here this evening.
Well, I think I can handle that.
Mm-hmm? Ronnie told me that her friends represent a key demographic and I don't believe it's women with husbands.
- Oh - Mm-hmm.
I feel really good about this, and I think you just approach these women like you did Paula, our landscaper.
Very strong, very forceful.
- Oh! - Hello, Ronnie.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Come in both of you.
We're counting down the top 100 hottest stars in Hollywood.
From this Canadian Has that actress had work done too? Um, yeah, you can always tell because their upper lip sort of I mean, like, puffs a bit.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Do you want more coffee? - Yes, please.
Okay, so we've run out of sugar.
Um, do you want it still because I don't really.
This star has everyone wondering How will that face turn out? Well, folks, take a look at her now! You okay? I'm fine - Are you sure? - Something happened.
What?! Nothing.
Just d-don't look on the bed.
The self-described tom-boy Has become a serious star on the rise, which is why we've named her number - It's okay! - On our hot list! Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Leibovitz.
Oh, this is wonderful.
Wonderful! And I would love to regale you all night with entertaining anecdotes, but I would be remiss if I didn't outline some of my policies for this community of remarkable women.
Moira, could I have a word? Excuse us, ladies.
Family matter.
I knew I should've left him home with the sitter.
Moira, I have a feeling not every woman here is a lesbian.
Oh, John, you love to think women are flirting with you.
No, I was just talking someone over there who has a husband.
A male husband.
Everything all right? Yes.
Ronnie, when mentioned earlier that I might lock down a key demographic this evening, you meant what? Entrepreneurs.
Everyone here is a member of the women's business association.
Oh.
Business association.
Yes, that's what I I think we're all ready when you are.
All I'm missing is my teleprompter! - Business association.
- Yes, I heard her.
Oh God.
You know, I have to say that I'm impressed.
It's not everyone who can tell an old woman that her cat is dead, and set up a love connection, and sell our most expensive marble urn in the same three-minute conversation.
Well, I'm not totally sure about the love connection.
I'm still waiting for Doris to text me back.
- Right.
- So.
Uh, was there something that you wanted to say to me? - What? - Uh, just earlier, it seemed like you were trying to tell me something.
Oh! No, I think it was about, um, vacation days.
- Ah.
- Yeah, you had mentioned two weeks.
So I guess I was just wondering, um, how many two-week vacations are available per year? Well, tell you what, why don't we start with one and then we'll just go from there.
Okay.
Yeah.
That could work.
- Great.
- Great.
Honestly? Nothing is more natural Um, aside from maybe the thread count in these sheets, but that's okay! 'Cause you're a woman now! Um, and nothing about that is embarrassing.
I'm not embarrassed, I'm scared! I mean, you were talking so much about your high thread count linens Yeah.
Well, I think it's gonna come out.
And how they were made by Egyptians or something? No, I'm well aware of that.
Um, so So, uh, I think my sister has some wonderful products in there for you.
Uh, health accessories, so feel free to help yourself to those.
Um okay.
Uh So you can just tie that around your waist, okay? Yeah, thank you.
Mmm okay.
Equality.
Freedom.
Marriage.
These are the rights of every community, and even more specifically The business community.
No faction of society deserves to be discriminated against, especially women who Are in business faction.
One of my top priorities will be to To change people's misguided and ignorant perceptions of women like you.
You did not choose this life! No, each one of you was born to be an entrepreneur.
Why don't I open up the floor to some of your concerns? I want to elect someone who understands the pressures of working and raising a family.
Very nice, yes.
I love that.
- Working and ? - Raising a family.
And raising a family.
Well, John, my husband will back me up on this, I had a six-and-a-half season career as an actress in television, which I put on hold to devote all my time and energy to raise two million dollars for charity.
And two children.
Oh, yes, and two children.
Hmm? And on top of that, I managed a staff of twelve.
You ran your own business? Household staff, yes.
Ronnie says you've only lived here a year? That's true, Ronnie, thank you, but I am a quick study.
Karen, I learned tonight that you run a gravel business, yes, and you, Audrey, you manage a team of accountants, and you, Tara, you're very concerned about your inverted nipples.
Which I assumed was public domain; there were a lot of you around when she told.
Well, ladies, I'm-I'm not that different from any of you.
I had my first job at the age of ten, sweeping up hair in a beauty salon.
I will never forget the value of a hard day's work.
Believe me when I tell you, if elected, I will put just as much work into my time on council as you women put into your businesses every day.
Oh, being in business myself, I've attended quite a few of these functions, and this one was quite the success.
Yeah, I think your wife's gonna do okay.
Well, she pulled it off, didn't she? Considering she came in - well, we both did - - thinking everyone was - Black? No.
I mean that everyone was leaning - Younger? - John, we should go.
No, what I mean is that, uh, that I am very comfortable seeing women with other women.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, that didn't come out right.
I M-Moira and I have been very, very supportive of the LGBTQ community.
- Oh, John John.
- For Did I leave out a letter? Thank you so much, Ronnie.
I love your friends and I really loved that dip.
Oh, the dip was incredible, really, for men and women.
That's good night.