Scrubs s02e10 Episode Script

Hey, how you doing? I know we put on a hell of a show, but, dude, put some shades on or somethin'.
Don't make a big deal out of this.
When was the last time you got laid? OK, just subtly take the spotlight off yourself.
Once on a red-eye flight, Turk groped a transsexual.
Baby, it was dark, and he/she had a body that was rockin'.
Mission accomplished.
We're talking about you now, studly.
OK, so I'm in a bit of a dry spell.
I have no idea what to do with myself.
Why not give Rowdy a bath? He smells ripe.
Please.
I'm a young, single player with a heart of gold.
I should be able to stir something up.
How do you get so dirty? Rowdy.
I'm not the only one in a rut.
- My life is a mess.
- At least you're pretty.
- Pretty don't pay the rent.
- It does for my sister.
Your sister's a prostitute? She's a model.
Come on, we talked about thinking before we speak.
I was just frazzled.
I stopped taking my dad's money, I can't pay the bills, I'm getting kicked out, and thanks to this hospital, I haven't had time to look for a new place.
Sometimes the hospital seems like a hungry monster that feeds on our personal lives.
It affects all of us.
- Morning, Dr Cox.
- Denise.
I know it's morning.
If it was last night I'd still be with my pregnant ex-wife trying to get her to calm down because, believe it or not, I managed to forget to bring home the curly fries.
Do you see where I'm going here? Yes, no, maybe so? Talk to her.
The man's got troubles.
You're one of the cutest doctors I've ever met.
Give me a kiss.
Well, put it in your pocket and save it for later.
The monster kills everyhing that's beautiful.
Everyhing.
Except Lisa, the gift-shop girl.
Boys, remember now, when we get upstairs it's the trauma ward, not the drama ward, so smiles, everyone, smiles.
Whatever.
Dry spell, prepare to be moistened.
Hey, Lisa, how you doing? JD, I can't give you free gum.
I was thinking, you're probably one of those girls that's so pretty that no one has the courage to ask you out.
No, I get asked out all the time.
OK, momentary setback.
Regroup.
Regroup! Hey, go out with me.
It's the right thing to do.
Sure.
Why not? Very funny, you dumb choir punks.
Santa's a drunk.
Where were we? So what did you have in mind? I could think of a couple of things.
- How does he get so dirty? - Who the hell cares? - I'll see you tonight.
- OK.
Bye.
- Nice to meet you, Turk.
- A pleasure meeting you, Lisa.
Yeah, Gift-Shop Girl.
- Player - Hold me down - Know what I'm saying? - Hey, look at me.
Turn Gift-Shop Girl into Gift-Shop Woman.
I swear on all the gifts in her shop, I will make you proud.
That's my dog.
That's my dog! Come to Papa.
The coil didn't complete its revolution.
My candy's just hanging there instead of dropping.
OK, whatever.
Look, if you're hungry, man, - I can loan you a buck.
- A buck? What a kind offer from the charitable Dr Money Bags.
You can either be a jerk as usual, or you can accept this gracious offer and get some caramel draped in nougat.
Your choice, jumpsuit.
Jordan, I have to tell you, despite how crazy hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
- Really? - Honestly, you You have never looked so beautiful.
- It's the giant boobs.
- Have you seen them lately? Yes.
Relax.
I've seen bigger.
No, not you.
Although, kudos.
Mm-hmm.
- You know what I hate? - So many things.
That's true.
I stay at your house every night and then in the morning I've gotta drive back to my apartment to get ready and then back here to go to board meetings.
Then just leave your boobs and some other stuff at my place.
- Really? - Yeah, if it saves you the hassle.
- Bring it on.
- Well, great.
See you tonight.
It appears Mrs Watson has developed a post-op infection at her thyroidectomy site.
Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a general policy not to actually push on it.
Start Ancef, one gram Q eight hours and Oh, my God, did I just ask my ex-wife to move in with me? What? You don't own that.
Turk, come help me wrap presents.
Baby, do you realize how long it's been since we've had an afternoon off, just the two of us? Yeah.
I should give you a sensual massage, rub your feet a little, and maybe, if you're interested, sex you up and whatnot.
- Come here.
- I'll get the TV.
No, you know what? Leave it on.
I know how much you like The Jeffersons.
Baby, you're a gift from God.
Here come Daddy! I'm gonna rock your world! Turk, the show's starting.
Ha! I put those flyers up and nobody wants me to live with them.
Come on, I'm sure you'll find a roommate who's a "clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
" If you don't, it gets mildewy.
You should move in with my friend, Anal McLooney.
I had to move out of my apartment this morning.
My stuff is outside in a truck.
Why not crash with us until you find a place? I'm so tired of everyone always thinking I need to be rescued.
- OK, JD? - Fine.
Can anyone tell me the bacterial aetiology of toxic shock syndrome? I beg your pardon.
So many doctors standing around, I assumed it was rounds.
You were looking at the wall, so that means it's an art exhibit.
When does the gay gentleman come round with the tray of champagne? Sir, my father cut me off Dr Reid, this is not bring-your-problems-to-work day.
This is just work day.
But, sir, only one person took a phone number so far.
Someone's getting a late-night, drunk call from the Todd.
- Lucky girl.
- Yeah.
All right, Mrs Carlson, the surgeon that's coming to do your lymph node dissection is a handsome young man, so don't forget about me.
- I'm serious, you naughty girl.
- Sure, Jordan.
You could take over the master bathroom.
But do me a favour and leave my sleeping pills out in case when I get home I wanna take 300 of 'em? OK, bye.
I can't stop obsessing about this date.
What do you think I should do? You should go ahead and thank your lucky stars you finally found a gal who's into same-sex relationships.
- You know, Perry - Perry? I'm trying it out.
I find with the ladies, if you're clear with your intentions right off the bat, they just fall into place.
- AQ? - What? It's a new expression.
It means "any questions?" Don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely looking chick is managing the gift shop nowadays.
JD, you ready to go? Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is "wow.
" and the words I'm looking for are "in your face.
" Yeah, I'm ready.
Let's get going.
PO.
Peace out.
Jordan, if you're feeling like crap, then I'll come straight home Of course, with the food.
No, I don't necessarily know if there is anything bigger than a Super Size, but I'll ask the guy - Get two Super Sizes.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, hell, yeah.
- Did I fall asleep? - Yes.
Was that before or after I rocked your world? He's a good man.
He's a good man.
He's a good man.
You know I get nervous when you start chanting.
Turk, what happened to all my stuff? The massage, the bath, the feet? I let you watch The Jeffersons.
Baby, I was just exhausted from work.
When you were an intern, you were exhausted from work, but you always made time for romance.
That's cos I was still trying to get into your delicates.
Oh, my God.
Dr Reid? What are you doing in here? Hi, Dr Kelso.
I was just I was on call.
Well, I have the call sheet right here and your name doesn't seem to be on it.
But what do I know? I'm just a kindly old man who doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
I've just been so swamped with work I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
I understand.
Life is hard and all that.
But if you want a bed in my hospital, you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds.
And believe me, missy, either one's fine with me.
- Thank you, sir.
- No problem.
I had a really good time tonight.
I was nervous when you spent five minutes talking through a napkin.
That wasn't me.
That was Nappy, the ice-breaking puppet.
That little guy earned his money tonight.
- So you think you're in, huh? - Come on, I am so in.
- You can't be sure.
- I feel pretty good about it.
- You want me.
- I don't.
Yeah, I'm a doctor.
All the symptoms are there.
You do.
Just kiss me.
Whoa.
You know, I thought I had to sneeze, but it was a false alarm.
- Let's do this.
- OK.
You know what it is? It's like a tickling.
I got this, like, weird It's a flutter.
Nappy? Stop fooling around and Give me a kiss.
I guess you never know how the monster's gonna attack.
Sometimes it makes you so tired of taking care of people at work, you can't bear the thought of taking care of someone at home.
All right, we need to talk about this.
Sometimes it pulls you away at the absolute worst time.
Babe, I'm sorry.
Sometimes it even takes the roof over your head.
And sometimes the monster takes something you never thought you could lose.
Like your mojo.
Is that a roll of quarters or are you just having a good time? Actually, it's a roll of quarters.
It's laundry day.
See ya.
So, Little JD isn't rising to the occasion.
It's not a big deal.
Nobody knows about this but me.
- Newbie, what's up? - Everything's up.
Rise and shine, sport.
What, did someone send out a flyer? Hey, JD.
How's your penis? Calm down.
He says that to everyone.
Hey, Goldman.
How's your penis? You're freaking out.
Just keep your head down and move.
I get it.
I haven't paid you back, - so you won't even look at me.
- No.
It's been one day, you greedy little bastard.
See what you did? Dr Reid, your truck is double-parked.
Luckily, I had a friend I could talk to about anything.
T urk, do you ever have any trouble getting your manhood going? - Hells, no.
- Yeah! Me, neither, dog.
Apparently I'm the only one here with women problems.
Listen, Perry, shockingly, I'm not looking to make the permanent move to your bachelor cave over at Swingers T owers.
You made a kind gesture and I made the mistake of thinking you could follow through with it.
Do you get it? You don't get it, do you? We've been together for a year and a half.
The romance can't be gone yet.
Does this make any sense to you? Cos it doesn't to me.
One minute we're clicking, and the next you're running for your life.
What's going on? I know we seem insensitive, but in the crunch, most guys are smart enough to say the right thing.
Baby, you have got to chill.
I'm sorry.
Crazy person says what? - What? - Thatta girl.
Sometimes the worst thing a guy can say is nothing at all.
You know what? Forget it.
Dr Reid.
I have no reading material for my daily, post-lunch well, let's just call it "reading session.
" I need your research proposal or a Vanity Fair, if you have one.
If I could just get a little more time on that I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm fresh out of special treatment today.
I used it all trying not to stare at that albino doctor down in radiology.
Don't let him get to you.
Just keep saying positive things to yourself.
It's too much.
I'm just one person.
Thatta girl.
Sometimes I get so jealous of Turk.
We're residents now and we're so swamped, and he just never seems to show it.
I guess you pick up the slack when he doesn't have the energy.
Yeah, you would think so.
- Aren't you gonna get that? - Nah, it's just Todd.
He's called four times to ask if I want to move into his pants.
You never expect a cliché to be an actual conversation starter.
- Women, huh? - T ell me about it.
It's like they're from another planet.
OK, I'm going to engage you two in a conversation.
You will speak of it to no one.
- Agreed? - OK.
It has gotten to the point where I'm going back in my head over all my old relationships.
I'm not going to sit here and count up all the women I've ever slept with.
- Twelve.
- Nine.
Eighteen.
But none of them really understood me.
I consider myself a romantic guy who's stressed out.
I thought the person who'd understand would be Carla.
The weird thing is that I'm trying this time.
I just wonder if I'm what she really wants.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone.
My peep's on the fritz.
Dude! - Poor Newbie.
- No.
I'm talking about you guys.
You guys are like my peeps, you're my dogs, and you're on the fritz, so that's where I get "peeps", "fritz" came from.
God love you, Newbie.
Thank you for giving me some perspective.
There's your stupid dollar.
And by the way, your new nickname is Pee Pee La Fritz.
Enjoy.
- Hey.
- Is this where you're sleeping tonight? Yeah.
So? It's cosy.
Hospital adjacent.
Elliot, come on, this is crazy.
You're living out of a van, like a hobo or - Jewel.
- Her poetry changed my life.
I know you wanna show you can stand on your own two feet, but you don't have to prove anything to me.
Come on, come stay with me and Turk.
What'd you page me to the roof for? Well, I was thinking that you work so hard, and that if I want surprise and romance that maybe it's my turn to be the one who brings it.
So I brought us a couple of salads.
- That's great.
- A box of 36 hot wings.
Now, that's what I'm talking 'bout.
And some blue-cheese dressing.
I love this woman! I guess, in the end, the monster's always gonna be there.
The trick is to not let it beat you.
Curly fries? And sometimes that means letting a friend help you out.
- Thanks again, JD.
- Don't sweat it.
- Well, have a good night.
- You too.
As for me, I just have to hope that my problem will eventually work itself out.
Merry Christmas.
This is exactly what I wanted.