Sledge Hammer! s02e10 Episode Script
Hammeroid
Trust me, I'm know what I'm doing.
Hold it, buddy Ah! All right, listen up.
These red pins indicate the traiI of the Hooded Hood.
He's done more damage to the image of police in this city than the time Hammer test-drove a tank near the elementary schooI.
We're gonna change this situation starting right now.
This guy's goose is as good as cooked.
Not cooked, Daley, barbecued.
Let me demonstrate Mother Hammer's recipe for Hood Flambe.
I'm talking Kentucky Fried Criminals.
Extra crispy.
Hammer, what about you in a straightjacket? - Where did you get that? - At the Shopping and Home Club.
I buy two more and I get a free cluster bomb.
Watch.
Hammer, put it away before you broiI somebody that I like.
No, I'm very accurate with this thing.
I could burn that book Captain, the hooded van man robbed the Widows and Orphans Savings and Loan! Majoy, that's impossible.
That place is impregnable.
Relax, Captain, nothing to worry about.
It's not our money.
- Our pension fund is kept there.
- What? That's hitting below the badge.
Wait till I get my hands on that slimeball.
- I'll make him a widow and an orphan.
- We've got to find the slimeball first.
Wait a minute.
Why don't we make him find us? I know how we can replace the pension fund and trap this meandering meatball at the same time.
We'll hold a telethon and we'll naiI him when he shows up.
Have you been hit over the head recently? No, no, no, no, the plan is foolproof.
Telethons make millions all the time.
We just find some dimwit who's willing to make a fooI of himself to be our MC.
That is the most preposterous thing that I have ever heard.
We will have a telethon over my dead body.
Havah nagila, havah nagila Havah nagila, v'nis m'cha Havah neranana, havah neranana Havah neranana, v'nis m'cha Uru, uru, uru achim b'lev samayech Uru achim b'lev samayech Uru achim b'lev samayech Uru ach-i-i-i-i-m Uru achim B'lev samayech Ohhh, ye-e-e-e-s Thank you for your kind applause.
Now we approach our 11th hour of the day, what is our totaI? $287,003! Thank you, thank you, my friends.
That means, in another 2,000 years, we should be almost halfway home.
Here's Officer Fletcher Majoy with one of my favourites - the mating calls of the Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker.
Thanks, Captain.
It's touching, isn't it, Doreau? The way the American public is willing to give untiI it hurts if you just trot out any dumb old cause and a few dozen rotten acts.
- You think the Hooded Hood'll show up? - Absolutely.
But not till there's more money in the kitty.
No, we got a long wait ahead of us.
Ahh! Hammer, he's not a man, he's an android.
I don't need a gun, I need a can-opener.
This can-hand's trying to slip away! Now I know why I hate disarmament.
What is that? That thing knew it was trapped so it disconnected its arm.
Ingenious.
Look, any luck in finding a connection between the android and the scientific community? According to the NationaI Institute of TechnologicaI Innovations, or NIFTI, over 100 labs research androids, but they don't have anything that works.
Here's a list of what I thought most probable.
Let me see that.
Hammer, leave that thing alone! Get away from it! Shut up! I want you to look at a list of the scientists.
This is dating back, starting in - Yahhh! - Hammer! - I'm having trouble, sir.
- Get away from that thing, it's evidence.
- Stay away from it! Shut up! - So this is dating What the hell are you doing? Well uh this thing is Just finding the clue we've been looking for, sir.
"Androids-R-Us.
" Better check it out.
Yes, I recognise this card.
I was going to notify the police when I heard about the robberies, but it all happened so fast.
Right.
Read him his rights, Doreau, while I beat him up.
This is the man behind the one-man tidaI wave of crime.
Maybe it isn't.
- Go on, Dr uh? - Deco.
Arthur Deco.
Don't call me Art.
I am not a criminaI.
I created androids to improve the quality of life at the flick of a switch.
This one performs a humanitarian purpose.
Miss Doreau, would you please turn on the TV? It will allow no human being to watch Designing Women.
Listen, test-tube brains, what about the metaI maggot that left an arm for a calling card? A dream gone astray.
I was not content to create mere domestic androids, no! I had to reach for immortality, I had to make BORC! - The judge? - No, BORC.
B- O-R-C.
That stands for Biologically Organic Robot Cyborg.
The most highly advanced android.
BORC was perfect except for one minor detaiI.
He had no sense of right or wrong.
Why does that sound familiar? BORC's flaw was capitalised on by my former associate Malcolm Dench.
Dench left this message the night he took BORC off to a life of crime.
'Hello, Art, by the time you hear this, 'BORCy and I will have embarked on a series of robberies 'which will make me the richest, most powerfuI man in the world.
' How's he gonna become Bill Cosby? It's BORC.
He's returned.
He's come for a new arm.
Don't steaI, BORCy.
I'll give you a hand.
- Dench disrupted the frequency.
- Forget it! - This steeI-plated sleaze is mine! - Sledge Sledge? Sledge! Doctor, he's dead.
How is he? Would've been better if he'd been run through a blender.
Where am I? - Am I gonna be OK? - Yes, of course you're gonna be all right.
- Nothing can keep you down.
- Oh, good.
Then help me up so I can naiI that walking trash can! No, no, Sledge, you can't.
- You're in a full body cast.
- Then get me a bazooka and wheelchair.
- I'll show you even shut-ins can kill.
- No.
Shh.
Be quiet.
It's the only way you can heaI yourself.
Perhaps you'd like to call Hammer's insurance company while there's still time to raise the coverage.
I'm gonna go buy you a teddy bear in the gift shop.
There's an alternative to your criticaI condition.
Nah, forget it.
The nurse already tried to talk me into euthanasia.
I'm not buying it.
Doesn't have a money-back guarantee.
I've theorised that I can link cybernetics to the nervous system of a human being.
- It's never been tried, but if it works - If it works? - It'd give you the strength to beat BORC.
- If it doesn't work? You'll die the most agonising, horrible death known to mankind.
I can live with that.
Let's do it.
My boy! Nurse! You wanted to see me, Cap Captain? Doreau, this android crimewave goes on and on and on.
There's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I feeI like a failure.
Don't, Captain.
We'll catch this creature, I'm sure of it.
Well, it'd better be soon, Doreau.
You know maybe it's the insane quality of this whole thing, - but I feeI myself missing Hammer.
- Really? Yes.
If he walked through that door now, I'd be glad to see him.
What am I saying? My God! Oh, my God, look, look, look! 'There is a lot of crime.
Everywhere I look - crime, crime.
' Hammer is that you? 'I am no longer Sledge Hammer.
' - What have they done to you? - 'I am now Hammeroid.
'Doreau, would you like a seat? 'Sorry, I still don't know my androidaI power.
' 'Window out.
Needs to be fixed.
'Would anyone care for refreshment?' Hammer, got a Black Cherry on you? Majoy, all of you, get outta here.
Don't you have some work to do? - Hammer, why did you do it? - 'To defeat BORC.
'I have the power of 500 locomotives.
' 'Guaranteed 6.
2 on the Richter scale every time.
'Please note 'now my amigo and I are one.
' 'That was a glitch, but it was fun.
' Some things never change.
'Thank you.
I also have X-ray vision.
'Nice teddy, Doreau.
Interesting lacework.
' You're not human! You're a heartless, thoughtless thing without a souI! 'But I have AM and FM radio.
' Enough.
I don't want a walking entertainment centre.
- I want something that'll stop BORC.
- 'Then please follow me, sir.
'What a rush.
Computing, computing.
Work, work, work.
'And, yes, BORC has stolen '600,317,000 dollars for Malcolm Dench.
'Dench's psychologicaI profile indicates he will use it 'to build an android army, android army, android arm ' Of course, just what a monomaniacaI nobody like Dench would do.
He'll need massive amounts of technology and illegaI arms.
'Arms, arms, arms, arms, ar 'Thank you.
'A file search on arms dealers with technologicaI capabilities gives us ' 'Ohhh, ah! '.
.
Skull Fracture.
' The notorious mercenary - GeneraI Skull Fracture.
He's at the Napalma House for the Convention of Megalomaniacs.
'I will patch into his private line and arrange a meeting.
'Fracture will be eager to meet with his best customer.
'I am also equipped with a voice simulator.
' 'Pretty neat, huh, Nancy?' 'Fracture, Dench here.
I want you to meet me at once.
Now!' - GeneraI Fracture.
- Where's Dench? - I was hoping you'd tell me.
- Tell you? I've been set up by 'Drop your gun or there will be trouble.
' Wh-Who are you? What are you? 'I will ask the questions, you will answer, 'otherwise I will compress you into a tie tack.
' Sledge, what are you doing to him? 'Trust me, I am cognizant of what I am doing.
'I am regressing his mind to age three.
'Now, where is Dench?' I want a cookie.
- 'Doreau, do you have such an item?' - No! I want a cookie, I want a cookie! 'Doreau, see if you have anything that is cookie-like in appearance.
' - Got a compact.
- 'Adequate.
' 'Now, there is your cookie.
'Now, where is Dench? Coconut.
More cookie.
Dench and BORCy at Dr Deco's lab.
He thought that'd be the last place you'd look, you meanie! 'Let us proceed, Doreau.
We have ' 'Circuitry circuitry malfunction.
Circuitry malfunction.
- 'Circuitry maI maI maI ' - Sledge! '.
.
malfun ohh.
' - Oh, Sledge! - 'What's wrong with me?' I don't know.
I never took a shop course.
Trunk told me where to find you.
Hammer ran off before I could warn him.
- About what? - His body might reject the robotics.
Ah, it's happening now.
If his armour and electronic devices are not removed, he'll die.
- Well, take everything off! Hurry! - 'Ahhhh!' 'Leave me alone.
BORC and Dench are still out there and I want them.
' Excellent, BORCy.
Soon my first battalion of terror androids will be complete and the world will be mine! Right? - 'I love you.
' - Not now.
Work.
Dench! It's time to pack up.
Some crazy half-android cop knows you're here.
Let him come.
We're ready, aren't we, BORCy? 'I love you.
I honestly love you.
' Not now.
Now I want you in a fighting mode.
'Kill, kill, kill, kill.
' 'Hold it, you are both under arrest.
' You handle it.
- 'The party is terminated, Stench.
' - That's Dench.
- 'Whatever.
' - BORC, seize him.
Oh! 'My turn, creep.
' Destroy him, you coward, destroy him! 'Yes, obey, BORC.
You lack the cognitive faculties for independence.
'You are nothing but a jumped-up toaster.
' Don't listen to him, you stupid android, listen to me! 'BORC not dumb, BORC have emotions.
' - 'BORC love Dench.
' - I don't love you! Waddling junkyard! Now, kill him, kill him, kill him! - 'No, kill him.
' - Kill him! - 'Kill him.
' - 'Kill.
Kill him.
Kill.
Kill you.
' 'Kill him, kill you, kill him, kill you, kill him ' - BORCy, get up.
- 'You see, Dench, 'you and BORC suffer from the same fataI flaw - human emotions.
'A problem I do not have.
Therefore.
.
ah ' Freeze, Dench, it's over! Sledge! He's rejecting his robotic self and trying to change back into a human being.
I'm sorry, Detective.
He's scrap iron.
No, it's not possible! I mean I never Well, we never He's dead! Farewell, Sledge.
Farewell, my lovely.
Dori Sledge, you're alive! - Captain, he's alive! - Terrific.
Hammer was lucky.
It wasn't designed that way, but I was able to convert his cybernetic shell into a super-healing body cast.
- He is now completely well.
- Well? - "Well" is a relative term, Doctor.
- Well Sledge, if you're completely well, what's wrong with your arm? Listen, I gotta run.
I'm late for the Jungle Warfare Singles' Weekend.
- Hammer, what are you hiding? - Nothing.
Well this.
I've just gotten sort of attached to it.
I think I've finally got the hang of it.
Sledge! Stop.
You're scaring him.
I'm only human.
Hold it, buddy Ah! All right, listen up.
These red pins indicate the traiI of the Hooded Hood.
He's done more damage to the image of police in this city than the time Hammer test-drove a tank near the elementary schooI.
We're gonna change this situation starting right now.
This guy's goose is as good as cooked.
Not cooked, Daley, barbecued.
Let me demonstrate Mother Hammer's recipe for Hood Flambe.
I'm talking Kentucky Fried Criminals.
Extra crispy.
Hammer, what about you in a straightjacket? - Where did you get that? - At the Shopping and Home Club.
I buy two more and I get a free cluster bomb.
Watch.
Hammer, put it away before you broiI somebody that I like.
No, I'm very accurate with this thing.
I could burn that book Captain, the hooded van man robbed the Widows and Orphans Savings and Loan! Majoy, that's impossible.
That place is impregnable.
Relax, Captain, nothing to worry about.
It's not our money.
- Our pension fund is kept there.
- What? That's hitting below the badge.
Wait till I get my hands on that slimeball.
- I'll make him a widow and an orphan.
- We've got to find the slimeball first.
Wait a minute.
Why don't we make him find us? I know how we can replace the pension fund and trap this meandering meatball at the same time.
We'll hold a telethon and we'll naiI him when he shows up.
Have you been hit over the head recently? No, no, no, no, the plan is foolproof.
Telethons make millions all the time.
We just find some dimwit who's willing to make a fooI of himself to be our MC.
That is the most preposterous thing that I have ever heard.
We will have a telethon over my dead body.
Havah nagila, havah nagila Havah nagila, v'nis m'cha Havah neranana, havah neranana Havah neranana, v'nis m'cha Uru, uru, uru achim b'lev samayech Uru achim b'lev samayech Uru achim b'lev samayech Uru ach-i-i-i-i-m Uru achim B'lev samayech Ohhh, ye-e-e-e-s Thank you for your kind applause.
Now we approach our 11th hour of the day, what is our totaI? $287,003! Thank you, thank you, my friends.
That means, in another 2,000 years, we should be almost halfway home.
Here's Officer Fletcher Majoy with one of my favourites - the mating calls of the Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker.
Thanks, Captain.
It's touching, isn't it, Doreau? The way the American public is willing to give untiI it hurts if you just trot out any dumb old cause and a few dozen rotten acts.
- You think the Hooded Hood'll show up? - Absolutely.
But not till there's more money in the kitty.
No, we got a long wait ahead of us.
Ahh! Hammer, he's not a man, he's an android.
I don't need a gun, I need a can-opener.
This can-hand's trying to slip away! Now I know why I hate disarmament.
What is that? That thing knew it was trapped so it disconnected its arm.
Ingenious.
Look, any luck in finding a connection between the android and the scientific community? According to the NationaI Institute of TechnologicaI Innovations, or NIFTI, over 100 labs research androids, but they don't have anything that works.
Here's a list of what I thought most probable.
Let me see that.
Hammer, leave that thing alone! Get away from it! Shut up! I want you to look at a list of the scientists.
This is dating back, starting in - Yahhh! - Hammer! - I'm having trouble, sir.
- Get away from that thing, it's evidence.
- Stay away from it! Shut up! - So this is dating What the hell are you doing? Well uh this thing is Just finding the clue we've been looking for, sir.
"Androids-R-Us.
" Better check it out.
Yes, I recognise this card.
I was going to notify the police when I heard about the robberies, but it all happened so fast.
Right.
Read him his rights, Doreau, while I beat him up.
This is the man behind the one-man tidaI wave of crime.
Maybe it isn't.
- Go on, Dr uh? - Deco.
Arthur Deco.
Don't call me Art.
I am not a criminaI.
I created androids to improve the quality of life at the flick of a switch.
This one performs a humanitarian purpose.
Miss Doreau, would you please turn on the TV? It will allow no human being to watch Designing Women.
Listen, test-tube brains, what about the metaI maggot that left an arm for a calling card? A dream gone astray.
I was not content to create mere domestic androids, no! I had to reach for immortality, I had to make BORC! - The judge? - No, BORC.
B- O-R-C.
That stands for Biologically Organic Robot Cyborg.
The most highly advanced android.
BORC was perfect except for one minor detaiI.
He had no sense of right or wrong.
Why does that sound familiar? BORC's flaw was capitalised on by my former associate Malcolm Dench.
Dench left this message the night he took BORC off to a life of crime.
'Hello, Art, by the time you hear this, 'BORCy and I will have embarked on a series of robberies 'which will make me the richest, most powerfuI man in the world.
' How's he gonna become Bill Cosby? It's BORC.
He's returned.
He's come for a new arm.
Don't steaI, BORCy.
I'll give you a hand.
- Dench disrupted the frequency.
- Forget it! - This steeI-plated sleaze is mine! - Sledge Sledge? Sledge! Doctor, he's dead.
How is he? Would've been better if he'd been run through a blender.
Where am I? - Am I gonna be OK? - Yes, of course you're gonna be all right.
- Nothing can keep you down.
- Oh, good.
Then help me up so I can naiI that walking trash can! No, no, Sledge, you can't.
- You're in a full body cast.
- Then get me a bazooka and wheelchair.
- I'll show you even shut-ins can kill.
- No.
Shh.
Be quiet.
It's the only way you can heaI yourself.
Perhaps you'd like to call Hammer's insurance company while there's still time to raise the coverage.
I'm gonna go buy you a teddy bear in the gift shop.
There's an alternative to your criticaI condition.
Nah, forget it.
The nurse already tried to talk me into euthanasia.
I'm not buying it.
Doesn't have a money-back guarantee.
I've theorised that I can link cybernetics to the nervous system of a human being.
- It's never been tried, but if it works - If it works? - It'd give you the strength to beat BORC.
- If it doesn't work? You'll die the most agonising, horrible death known to mankind.
I can live with that.
Let's do it.
My boy! Nurse! You wanted to see me, Cap Captain? Doreau, this android crimewave goes on and on and on.
There's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I feeI like a failure.
Don't, Captain.
We'll catch this creature, I'm sure of it.
Well, it'd better be soon, Doreau.
You know maybe it's the insane quality of this whole thing, - but I feeI myself missing Hammer.
- Really? Yes.
If he walked through that door now, I'd be glad to see him.
What am I saying? My God! Oh, my God, look, look, look! 'There is a lot of crime.
Everywhere I look - crime, crime.
' Hammer is that you? 'I am no longer Sledge Hammer.
' - What have they done to you? - 'I am now Hammeroid.
'Doreau, would you like a seat? 'Sorry, I still don't know my androidaI power.
' 'Window out.
Needs to be fixed.
'Would anyone care for refreshment?' Hammer, got a Black Cherry on you? Majoy, all of you, get outta here.
Don't you have some work to do? - Hammer, why did you do it? - 'To defeat BORC.
'I have the power of 500 locomotives.
' 'Guaranteed 6.
2 on the Richter scale every time.
'Please note 'now my amigo and I are one.
' 'That was a glitch, but it was fun.
' Some things never change.
'Thank you.
I also have X-ray vision.
'Nice teddy, Doreau.
Interesting lacework.
' You're not human! You're a heartless, thoughtless thing without a souI! 'But I have AM and FM radio.
' Enough.
I don't want a walking entertainment centre.
- I want something that'll stop BORC.
- 'Then please follow me, sir.
'What a rush.
Computing, computing.
Work, work, work.
'And, yes, BORC has stolen '600,317,000 dollars for Malcolm Dench.
'Dench's psychologicaI profile indicates he will use it 'to build an android army, android army, android arm ' Of course, just what a monomaniacaI nobody like Dench would do.
He'll need massive amounts of technology and illegaI arms.
'Arms, arms, arms, arms, ar 'Thank you.
'A file search on arms dealers with technologicaI capabilities gives us ' 'Ohhh, ah! '.
.
Skull Fracture.
' The notorious mercenary - GeneraI Skull Fracture.
He's at the Napalma House for the Convention of Megalomaniacs.
'I will patch into his private line and arrange a meeting.
'Fracture will be eager to meet with his best customer.
'I am also equipped with a voice simulator.
' 'Pretty neat, huh, Nancy?' 'Fracture, Dench here.
I want you to meet me at once.
Now!' - GeneraI Fracture.
- Where's Dench? - I was hoping you'd tell me.
- Tell you? I've been set up by 'Drop your gun or there will be trouble.
' Wh-Who are you? What are you? 'I will ask the questions, you will answer, 'otherwise I will compress you into a tie tack.
' Sledge, what are you doing to him? 'Trust me, I am cognizant of what I am doing.
'I am regressing his mind to age three.
'Now, where is Dench?' I want a cookie.
- 'Doreau, do you have such an item?' - No! I want a cookie, I want a cookie! 'Doreau, see if you have anything that is cookie-like in appearance.
' - Got a compact.
- 'Adequate.
' 'Now, there is your cookie.
'Now, where is Dench? Coconut.
More cookie.
Dench and BORCy at Dr Deco's lab.
He thought that'd be the last place you'd look, you meanie! 'Let us proceed, Doreau.
We have ' 'Circuitry circuitry malfunction.
Circuitry malfunction.
- 'Circuitry maI maI maI ' - Sledge! '.
.
malfun ohh.
' - Oh, Sledge! - 'What's wrong with me?' I don't know.
I never took a shop course.
Trunk told me where to find you.
Hammer ran off before I could warn him.
- About what? - His body might reject the robotics.
Ah, it's happening now.
If his armour and electronic devices are not removed, he'll die.
- Well, take everything off! Hurry! - 'Ahhhh!' 'Leave me alone.
BORC and Dench are still out there and I want them.
' Excellent, BORCy.
Soon my first battalion of terror androids will be complete and the world will be mine! Right? - 'I love you.
' - Not now.
Work.
Dench! It's time to pack up.
Some crazy half-android cop knows you're here.
Let him come.
We're ready, aren't we, BORCy? 'I love you.
I honestly love you.
' Not now.
Now I want you in a fighting mode.
'Kill, kill, kill, kill.
' 'Hold it, you are both under arrest.
' You handle it.
- 'The party is terminated, Stench.
' - That's Dench.
- 'Whatever.
' - BORC, seize him.
Oh! 'My turn, creep.
' Destroy him, you coward, destroy him! 'Yes, obey, BORC.
You lack the cognitive faculties for independence.
'You are nothing but a jumped-up toaster.
' Don't listen to him, you stupid android, listen to me! 'BORC not dumb, BORC have emotions.
' - 'BORC love Dench.
' - I don't love you! Waddling junkyard! Now, kill him, kill him, kill him! - 'No, kill him.
' - Kill him! - 'Kill him.
' - 'Kill.
Kill him.
Kill.
Kill you.
' 'Kill him, kill you, kill him, kill you, kill him ' - BORCy, get up.
- 'You see, Dench, 'you and BORC suffer from the same fataI flaw - human emotions.
'A problem I do not have.
Therefore.
.
ah ' Freeze, Dench, it's over! Sledge! He's rejecting his robotic self and trying to change back into a human being.
I'm sorry, Detective.
He's scrap iron.
No, it's not possible! I mean I never Well, we never He's dead! Farewell, Sledge.
Farewell, my lovely.
Dori Sledge, you're alive! - Captain, he's alive! - Terrific.
Hammer was lucky.
It wasn't designed that way, but I was able to convert his cybernetic shell into a super-healing body cast.
- He is now completely well.
- Well? - "Well" is a relative term, Doctor.
- Well Sledge, if you're completely well, what's wrong with your arm? Listen, I gotta run.
I'm late for the Jungle Warfare Singles' Weekend.
- Hammer, what are you hiding? - Nothing.
Well this.
I've just gotten sort of attached to it.
I think I've finally got the hang of it.
Sledge! Stop.
You're scaring him.
I'm only human.