Son of a Critch (2022) s02e10 Episode Script

1
Hello, ladies and
gentlemen! How is everyone?
The church encouraged us to volunteer
in the community.
That's how I booked my first gig.
You know there's a
prize for getting older?
Yep, you get a trophy!
All aspiring comedians
need stage time to grow.
And no stage ages you
faster than the games room
of St. Martin's Retirement Home!
You know, a-trophy, when you
don't use your muscles enough?
Boo!
Boos are for ghosts, Mr. Mullins!
And you haven't passed on
Yet!
In a room full of octogenarians,
I was the one dying.
It's like hell's waiting room in here.
Oh, sorry, no offence.
Is anyone having a birthday?
Pop came along to support me
And get snacks.
Oh no, I'm not oh, oh, yeah.
Fine, well, why not?
There you are, sir. Pudding cup?
Oh! Well, I could get used to this.
What's your name, ma'am?
Um, Millicent.
Millicent?
Not Millie Hearn!
Patrick Critch!
Oh! Of course!
How are you?
A little bit older,
but twice as handsome.
You're looking your
usual beautiful self.
Unlike that Linda Foley.
My God, I saw her yesterday.
I heard her son lost his license.
DUIs all over the place.
Pop!
- Huh?
- Do you mind?
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
who likes impressions?
Ha-ha.
Give it up for President Ronald Reagan!
Ha-ha, thank you!
I'm delighted to be here tonight.
But then again, at my age,
I'm delighted to be anywhere.
My first walk-out needed a walker!
Tough crowd!
Pop? We gotta go.
What's the rush?
- We're gonna miss the bus!
- Good.
You know, I get treated way
better here than I do at home.
Oh, is that applesauce?
Oh, yes.
Hey, you know what?
You should start hanging out
with people more your own age.
Fine.
Ah
Any more pudding?
How was your show last night?
Well, the jell-o bit killed,
but I lost them with
the medic alert stuff.
I'm sorry I couldn't
help finish our project.
It's okay.
My dad wouldn't even let me touch it.
Ritchie and I had been
chosen to represent
St. Bridget's at the
regional science fair.
But we couldn't take all the credit.
You know, I won the
science fair every year.
Even made nationals!
You mentioned it once
or twice before, Dad.
Come on, we can do much
better than a potato battery.
"We"?
Yeah, you know what would be cool?
If we had circuit board!
Thanks to Ritchie's dad,
we made it to regionals with
The whatchamacallit.
Ah! Stop it, Fox!
It's a singing robot, not a toy.
Whatever it is, it's stupid.
Well, if we're the stupid ones,
then how come your project
didn't make it to regionals?
At least I did my project myself.
Hey, Fox! You come to cheer us on?
Oh, yes, Mr. Perez. You got this.
You're definitely one of the
smartest eighth-graders here.
Thanks!
But remember, if the judges ask,
"lips" stands for "light,
infrared, power"
Dad, this is our project!
I know!
You guys, you take it from here.
Wait, I better solder that!
Come on, Ritchie, m'boy!
Let's check out the competition.
Maple syrup
Northern nectar.
Look a single drip
And then another.
We are we forced to watch this crap?
We should have freedom to watch
whatever we want on television!
Who's with me on this?
What do we want?
TV freedom!
When do we want it? Now, now, now!
What do we want? TV freedom!
When do we want it?
Now, now, now!
Now in Orillia, Ontario.
Oh thank you, Nurse.
You are so assertive.
You know what you want,
and you're not afraid
to go out and get it.
And I know what I want now.
That's to have dinner with you tomorrow.
It's scalloped potato day.
Look, I'm a little bit
embarrassed about this but
I was glad when your husband died.
I mean, I didn't want to
say anything at the wake.
Flirt!
Things were heating up
at the retirement home.
All these kids are smarter than us.
That's 'cause we go to
the dumb school, dumbass.
Congrats, you were the
smartest of the dummies
and now you're the
dumbest of the smarties.
Ignore her, Ritchie.
She's just not at the regional level.
Whoa!
Who's that?
Not granola
Ooh, skateboards!
Cool!
What's your project about?
Which type of pants hold up best
when you fall off your board.
Whoa.
The regional science fair brought kids
from all over the province together.
If Ritchie was ever
going to meet his match,
it was here at Nerd-Palooza.
I'm Ritchie.
Jacinta, but everyone calls me Jay.
I'm Mark.
Uh, and this is Fox.
Fox?
What's that short for? Foxanne?
Foxanne!
Fox-Anne! ♪
Have fun losing, losers.
She seems nice.
Yeah, she's
Fox was not about to be replaced.
All's fair in love and war,
if not in science fairs.
Wow, your board's way better than mine.
You skateboard?
You guys should come
skateboarding with me downtown!
Downtown?
We're going down right
after the judging.
We'll see you there.
Ah wait, downtown?
That's like two bus transfers!
Show time! We gotta go!
Uh, okay!
When it comes to projects,
St. Bridget's has it down to a science.
But we're not just all talk!
And now, the VOCM News.
I'm Mike Critch.
Two youths were apprehended
at the Pop Shoppe last night.
The suspects were found breaking bottles
against a dumpster in the parking lot
The lips should be moving, Ritchie ?
Ah, Ritchie, m'boy!
The destructive vandals threw
the remaining bottles
at police officers
Um
Ha, just one second!
I don't know how it works!
Uh, he
One officer was injured
when he slipped on a
shard and was rushed to
What place did I get?
We didn't place, Dad.
What?!
This thing is rigged!
Excuse me, miss?
Excuse me, did you see
our project back there?
The the lips?
I'd seen hockey dads before,
but never a science fair dad.
"Downtownies."
Hacky-sacking, skateboarding punks.
Whoa
They're desecrating the war memorial!
This is not why young
men died in the trenches!
Please don't say things like that, okay?
I like Jay,
and I don't want her
to think we're nerds.
You met at a science fair!
You want to be an actor?
Maybe you can act like you fit in.
Challenge accepted.
I could fake being myself.
You made it!
Ritchie, Mark, this is my friend Cara.
Cara!
I'd finally met a
girl as nerdy as I was.
But she wore it better.
Can I try your board?
Sure!
It's from Canadian tire.
I didn't know what to say to her.
What could I have in common
with a downtownie girl?
Whoa, is is that
a metered dose aerosol?
You know your inhalers. You need a puff?
We hadn't even kissed,
but I could taste her cotton candy
smackers lip balm on her inhaler.
Was this love, or a lack of oxygen?
Thanks. Needed that.
So, what are you into,
besides breathing?
What was I into?
I didn't know what I was into yet!
She hadn't told me!
Uh still wheezy.
You go first.
Well, I volunteer a lot.
Oxfam, Youth for Social Justice
I organize protests to
help save the whales.
And, oh, I'm a vegetarian.
Oh, yeah, me too!
I love vegetables.
Sometimes I eat 'em
straight out of the can!
So, what school do you go to?
Vanier Academy.
No "Saint" in the school name?
That meant she was a
Protestant!
No wonder she was so exotic.
No uniforms?
No nuns?
No guilt?
Kids!
We've had some complaints
about the noise.
I'm gonna have to ask you
to break it up for today.
Pigs.
That cop always hassles us.
This I could handle.
I've got this.
Hey, Officer Butt.
I'm not on board with the desecration
of a sacred monument either,
but I've got a two-dollar
bill with your name on it.
Lar's is still open.
Why don't you go
forget about all of this
and get yourself a cone?
Afternoon, Mary.
Your son tried to bribe a policeman.
What?
I can't believe it.
My own son brought home by the police.
What will the neighbours say?
We don't have neighbours.
Mark, what were you even doing downtown?
I was trying to impress a girl.
Ah.
Showin' off, more like.
Well? What's she like?
Well, she's a Protestant.
Good God, a Protestant?
That could lead to a mixed marriage.
Think of the children!
Well, what school would they even go to?
Give it up, will ya?
It's just a little date.
He's not gonna marry her!
I dare say he's not!
What church would they get married in?
Oh, jeez.
Where would they be buried?
At sea?
Oh, going all the way downtown.
You must be starved.
Uh, I've decided I'm a vegetarian, so
This is all her doing, isn't it?
Oh, too good for a little
meat fried up in the pan!
Oh!
Yeah, bet she can't eat anything,
with her fancy Protestant
nose all stuck up in the air!
I Mom!
Jesus Christ, there's no meat in gravy!
You know, they have
these wonderful chairs;
they were called, uh, lah-zee-boys.
It was like sitting on
a cloud with cup holders.
What do you think, Pop?
Everyone knows the best way to
save a whale is in the freezer.
But they're endangered!
You mean danger-ous.
My father was killed by a whale.
He was a whaler!
Yeah, sharks of the sea,
that's what whales are.
Anyway, since when have you
gone so Brigitte Bardot on us?
Cara likes whales.
You know, pretending to be
someone you're not for a girl,
I mean
It can only lead to heartbreak.
But aren't you pretending
to live at the home?
Home is where the heart is,
and my heart is at the home.
Well, I won't rat you
out to the orderlies
if you donate to our protest.
Hippie!
That meal was almost
as good as the company.
You are such a charmer.
Why don't we just take a stroll?
See the sunset, just the two of us.
That's a lovely idea.
I can show you my roses.
And the creek behind the house
is just full of trout
at this time of year.
Creek?
I didn't see a creek.
I saw a road.
Oh
But
This isn't my house.
Millie?
I have to get back before dark.
My husband my husband will worry.
Have you seen my husband, sir?
No.
Not for a while. Ah
I'm afraid, he
Ah.
Millie, thank you so much for dinner.
Nurse
Nurse, I think Millie's tired.
Take good care of her.
Sir? The doors are locked now.
Locked, well, I don't live here.
Sounds like you're a little tired, too.
Um, Millie, tell her who I am!
I've never seen you before in my life.
What? Hey, excuse me.
Just relax now, sir.
These men will get you settled.
Mike Critch, here with the VOCM update!
Hey, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!
That's my son, on the radio!
I live with the man on the radio!
I'm sure you do.
Let me go!
You're gonna hear from my lawyer!
Come on, what are you doing!
Save the whales!
Save the whales!
Save the whales !
Save the whales!
Save the whales !
Protestants sure loved to protest.
I guess that's where
the name comes from.
Everyone's ignoring us.
Don't they get how important this is?
Hang on.
Listen up, everybody!
I think our chant could use some work.
How about
One, two, three, four,
save our whales and ocean floor!
One, two, three, four,
save our whales and ocean floor!
I love how passionate you are.
This was the start of
a personal reformation.
What are you losers bawling about?
Who you calling a loser, Foxanne?
Them, Ja-cinta.
I don't think Mark's a loser.
Then you should get
your glasses checked.
Why don't you go some place
where somebody wants you?
Fox
Whatever.
Nobody cares about this stuff.
Tree-huggin' pinkos.
What did you call me?
Back off!
Do you know who my brothers are?
No.
Maybe you should just go, Fox.
They're faking, you know?
They don't care about the whales
or the ocean or any of you.
And they're Catholic!
Hm!
I-I
Family finally had enough of you, eh?
My son did the same thing to me.
He finally gets married and
then he ships me off here.
Friggin' ingrate.
Ah.
That's a bit selfish, huh?
Well, you're probably better off here.
I mean, it's a nice place.
Nice people.
No, I'm just here temporarily, yeah.
I live with my son.
He'd gonna come pick me up.
Sounds like you've got a good one.
Yeah.
Hm, I do.
Millie? Excuse me.
Millie!
Hey, Millie! Hey
I can't find my husband!
Have you seen him?
Millie, listen. It's
- He promised me
- It's all right.
Millie Millie.
You think he's all right?
Well, there
There's a big storm moving in.
They've closed down all the roads.
I mean, you wouldn't want him
driving in those conditions,
now, would you?
No.
So he called and he said
he's gonna pick you up
first thing in the morning.
Isn't that nice?
Now, let's get you back
to your room, all right?
Oh
Well, that makes sense.
Pop, for God's sake.
Oh, about bloody time!
Now, listen, Millie.
This very nice lady is
going to take you back.
And then, if she doesn't want a lawsuit,
she's gonna go to the kitchen
and get a case of that pudding,
and put it in my son's car.
All right, Pop, let's
go. Mary's worried sick.
Wait.
You know, I know I may
seem ungrateful at times
You're a good boy.
Good God!
What kind of pills you have him on?
Technically, I never
said we were Protestants.
I don't care if you're Catholic, Mark.
But I do care if you're honest.
Can we start again?
I'm Mark.
I like Dean Martin and Vienna sausages.
I'm not a vegetarian.
In fact, the only vegetable I
ever eat is the noble potato.
Still just Cara.
Pop ?
Does making new friends mean
you have to lose your old ones?
No.
You can have as many
friends as you want.
The only thing that matters is
how many friends you can count on.
Those friends are like a
bottle of gravy Browning.
What?
You'll have 'em till you die.
Hm.
Thank God.
In life, there's family
and there's friends.
Oh, hey! How's it goin'?
And then there's friends
who become family.
Hey.
About yesterday
It's fine if you have new friends.
It's just
I feel like we don't really
hang out that much anymore.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
How 'bout we go to
Mary Brown's for lunch?
My treat.
I thought you were vegetarian.
I'll just have the taters and the gravy.
There's no meat in gravy, sure.
Sometimes, when you meet a new friend,
you can tell right away that
you'll be friends forever .
Give it a try.
And when forever comes,
you'll be glad that they're there.
You mind if I sit?
Oh, not at all.
Ah
I'm Millicent.
Oh
Patrick.
Nice to meet you.