Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e10 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Splitting Up Together" LENA: I had this erotic dream about my ex-husband wherein he reached down and unsnapped my bodysuit.
Are you making a pass at me? [SNAPS POPPING.]
One snap left.
Maybe we revisit that third snap.
[EXHALES.]
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- [DOOR RATTLES.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Mm, you gonna pack that bodysuit? Why do I tell you anything? Do you get depressed, every other week? When you have to leave this really comfortable bed and go sleep in a dusty, old garage? Are you kidding me? I am not complaining.
I just got Martin back on board with cohabiting.
I am happy as a clam.
But I do miss having all my clothes in one place.
And the bar from that pull-out sofa is murder.
But other than those two things and the fact that I saw a scorpion in there last week, the garage is pretty much perfect.
Well, perfect.
I also don't love feeling shut out of the kids' lives Gotcha.
So it's just that excruciating back pain and being shut out of the kids' lives, scorpions Maybe I am complaining.
Sorry.
What's new with you? Oh, thank you for asking.
I got the results back from my amnio and - I also can hear street traffic.
- It's a boy! Oh, my gosh! - Oh! - [CHUCKLES.]
Mm.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay These are really good with chocolate chips.
MAE: Oh, we should do that next time.
'Sup, Sad Boys? What's good in the hood? What's Gucci? China made coconut fat bombs.
Want one, Lena? Did you just call me by my name? They're kind, raw, and vegan.
Oh, I didn't know you were vegan, China.
That's so admirable.
So, to call China a "vegan" is reductive.
Reductive? It's fine.
It's just, you know, I only eat what's granted me consent.
So sometimes I do eat animals But only if they're suicidal? The chicken has to be like, [VOICE SHAKING.]
"I swear to God, I'll do it!" - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- [LAUGHS QUIETLY.]
Um, hi Bae watch.
So bae.
Way bae.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Sittin' on the dock of the bae.
I can't tell if I want her or if I want to be her.
- No, I do.
I want her.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
I didn't realize you were into girls.
China! That is so cool.
Lena, why do you feel the need to label everything? It's okay.
She probably doesn't realize that labels, by definition, are attached to objects.
- So when you label, you objecti - Objectify, right! Guess I've been objectifying my spice rack all these years.
Forgive me, Cream of Tartar! No, but seriously, I get it.
Okay, well, if you're desperate for a marker, I identify as "queer.
" What?! Are you kidding me? That's my favorite.
"L," "G," "B," "T" are great letters.
But "Q"? Oh, my God.
"Q" is the best one.
- Do you want to go upstairs, Mae? - Yeah, we can, uh, do a two-person massage train - and call our senators.
- Uh-huh.
I'll stand by "Q"! [TO THE TUNE OF "I'LL STAND BY YOU".]
I'll stand by "Q" Won't let nobody hurt "Q" I'll stand by "Q" [DOOR SLAMS IN DISTANCE.]
[SIGHS.]
[QUIETLY.]
I'll stand by "Q" I don't know if I'm all the way ready for you to leave yet.
Well, that's because you're obsessed with me.
- Well, that's not not true.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Text me the second you're home? - Duh.
- Quick pic before you go.
- Okay.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Oh geez, Dad.
Lurk much? [SIGHS.]
Same here.
My parents are full-blown stalking me.
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
- ILY.
- ILY-SM.
Hey.
[SIGHS.]
So, how long you guys been official? Uh, 3 1/2 gratifying, joy-filled weeks.
Wow.
And you're already ILY'ing? Uh, privately, yeah.
Bron wants to wait a few months before we take it public so people root for us.
I'm worried about you, bud.
I'm worried that you're re-creating Hazel-gate all over again.
Hazel and Bronwyn are very different women.
Understood.
But your game's the same.
Listen, Mace.
You're a heart-on-your-sleeve type of guy, and that's admirable, it is.
But this time, I think you need to show a little restraint.
I just can't, Dad.
I love love.
And guys like me, Arthur, Elon Musk, Kelsey Grammer we can't live without it.
I-I appreciate that, son, but you have to leave yourself somewhere to go.
I guess I probably shouldn't have hid those love letters in her PSAT-prep materials [LAUGHS.]
Hey, maybe they fell out.
But if not, try to have some chill, going forward, hmm? A little aloof goes a long way.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- - [CELLPHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING.]
- Yeah - Mmm.
- - [MUFFLED CHATTERING AND GIGGLING.]
Yeah - I can't.
[GIGGLES.]
- It's kind of cute.
[GIGGLES.]
- I double dare you.
- Knock, knock! Lena! I thought we'd been over the "knock-knock-enter.
" I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
What are you sorry for? Mom, can China sleep over? No school tomorrow.
Oh, honey.
We'd have to ask your dad since it's almost his week.
But since you asked during mine, I guess I can answer.
- No.
- No? Why? Because I got an e-mail from the school about strep throat.
It's going around.
So I think, for health reasons, it would be better for you girls to sleep separately.
And also, remember to wash your throats.
Wash our throats? You also may want to un-pretzel.
Um, just 'cause I'm worried about your circulation.
Appears that your mom is uncomfortable with intimacy.
No, no.
Not uncomfortable with intimacy.
Just a little confused.
I'm confused, too.
Because you said that you "Stand by 'Q'.
" Remember? You were you were singing it.
- Really loudly.
- While we were walking upstairs.
I did.
And I still do.
In my defense, I don't know the verses of that song, so it may have seemed like more of an anthem than I intended - Lena? - Mae.
I guess I'm wondering what the status is here.
Should I mark you two as BFFs? Or something more? I feel like we shouldn't have to embrace a norm-core narrative just to make it easier for you to comprehend, you know? Totally.
Totally.
It's just, as a parent, it's my job to have rules.
And the rules may change if there are feelings involved.
Well, of course there are feelings involved.
I don't want to be your friend I want to kiss your lips Did we answer all your questions? - I want to kiss you - If so, please leave.
Until I lose my breath And close the door on your way out.
- I don't want to be your friend - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I want to kiss your lips - [DOOR OPENS.]
[WHISPERING.]
I think Mae has a girlfriend.
Also, what are you still doing in here? [GROGGILY.]
I think I fell asleep.
Seriously? Gay Mae? Ooh.
This is the most interested I've ever been in her.
Well, I'm all for it, but it's like Spoon-Plantation in there.
And now she wants her girlfriend to sleep over.
I fully expect my baby to be a QUILTBAG.
- A what? - A QUILTBAG Queer or questioning, undecided, intersex, lesbian, transsexual, bisexual, allied/asexual, genderqueer.
Okay, I don't know which one of those Mae is or isn't, but I need to go talk to Martin.
You know, you have to leave at some point! - Hey.
- MARTIN: Hey.
I'm making dinner, if you're interested.
"Nachos Del Martino.
" The secret is the tomatillos.
[SNIFFS.]
They really level it up.
No, thanks.
Listen, Mae has China over.
Oh, that's fine.
There's plenty.
Yeah, Martin, this isn't nacho-related.
I don't think China should sleep over anymore.
No school tomorrow.
That's not the point.
We wouldn't let Mason have Bronwyn sleep over, right? Yeah, right, but that's boy/girl.
Mason's dating Bronwyn.
- Martin, what I'm trying to tell you is - Dad, can China sleep over? Wait, he's still "Dad"? Please? Neither of us have strep.
- BOTH: Ahh.
- All right.
- I - Well, I think it's It's okay with me.
Thank you, Daddy.
Love you.
Cool system.
You get a no, and then you just take it to the higher court.
Oh, I see.
You girls don't have a problem with male power when it works in your favor.
- Why can't you just back me up? - What are you worried about? I think that the two of them are more than friends.
And it makes sleeping over more complicated.
Why? They're both girls.
No one's getting pregnant.
- Okay, that's not my only concern.
- Oh.
Also, it's a huge double standard.
If we won't let Mason's girlfriend sleep over, then the same boundaries should apply to Mae.
Boundaries, huh? If I recall, someone's boundaries got a little bit blurry the other night Snaps were unsnapped.
- Or don't you remember? - I remember - a portion of the events.
- Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
This is not about us, Martin, all right? This is a big deal.
And I know I'm supposed to just disappear into the garage and let you tell me all about it later, but no, I don't want to do that.
Not this week.
Okay.
So what are you proposing exactly? I wanna stay in the house, and I want to navigate this whole thing together, for better or worse.
That's called marriage.
- You just proposed marriage.
- No Just admit it.
Don't hide behind the kids.
You made a huge mistake.
You want me back.
Bad.
- You are delusional.
- Am I? You need to be more honest about your feelings, Lena.
And if you are gonna propose, I'm gonna need you to get down on one knee.
I did it for you.
You make your jokes, fine, yeah.
And then when this whole Hormonal Chernobyl blows up in your face, don't come crying to me.
Hormonal Chernobyl? That is some highly adept wordplay.
I gotta clap you out for that one.
Whoo! [MIMICS CHEERS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WHISTLES.]
- Baby, don't make me spell it out for you - CHINA: You have a psychotic amount of nail polish.
I feel like if we acknowledge self-care as a privilege, - then maybe it's okay? - [CHUCKLES.]
These pedicures are a response to our institutional lack of empathy.
And your mother.
Either of you got a hot plate? - Milo, get out.
- Okay, okay.
It's almost impressive how little your family respects the contract of a closed door.
I'm getting a dead bolt.
I'm telling you, man.
The tides are turning.
The second they sense you're not interested, they just start throwing themselves at you.
Hell-o! Sex with the ex who wears specs? No, no, no.
No sex.
No specs.
But the other night, she put on her bad-girl overalls.
You know the ones where you can almost see something - OshKosh m'gosh! [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Lena tried to seduce me.
And then tonight, she tells me that she wants to move into the house together to deal with some "parenting issues.
" What parenting issues? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
- Bronwyn.
Everything okay? - No.
Everything not okay.
Mason wasn't returning my texts, so I took a screenshot of my texts, three dots and then nothing.
What can I tell you? He's a hard man to pin down.
He's like the wind - Mason? The middle boy? - Mm-hmm.
You see that? What'd I say? I told Mason to gently apply the cold shoulder, and here she is.
Moth to flame.
It's more like moth to your teenage son's bedroom.
Is that even allowed? [CHUCKLES.]
Ma-Mason won't even get undressed in front of me.
He showers in board shorts.
He shares a room with his little brother.
I think we're safe.
You know what? I used to be a shy guy.
I shared a room with my grandparents, "Willy Wonka" style.
And let me just say, I made it work.
What are you doing down here, huh? You're supposed to be upstairs protecting your brother's virginity.
I mean, do you want to break up? - Like, if so, just say it.
- No.
That's the very last thing on Earth I want.
It's just, my dad thought that if I didn't have more chill, I would scare you off.
If I wanted chill, I'd be dating Jake Tapper.
But you? You're ardent and unbolted.
It's why ILY.
You are seriously gonna slay the PSATs.
And I'd marry you right now if it were legal.
I'd marry you, too.
I was saving myself, but since we're theoretically engaged Okay, let's get some fresh air in here, shall we? Bronwyn, loving your level of investment here, but you need to harness all that energy into leaving.
- Hit the bricks, kid.
- Yeah.
So, my girlfriend has to leave while Mae is on a field trip to China? - It's not the same thing, Mason.
- I know! Because Bronwyn and I don't take baths together.
Oh! Gotta bounce, China.
That's it.
Towel off and go home.
What's wrong with you? I want every door on this floor open.
I want all of you to towel off.
I'm not "toweling off" with the door open.
And I'm completely dry.
- Towel off! All of you! - You towel off! Your macho '90s advice almost ruined my relationship - with Bronwyn.
- Okay, slow down! There is no need to take this out on the '90s.
She doesn't like mind games, Dad.
You and I? We are due for "the talk.
" And what about me? Exactly.
That's what we want to know.
Hey, no, no, no, no.
D-Don't close it.
Don't close it.
Don't close it! Mason.
Mason.
Mason! You were right.
It's crazy up there.
There were closed doors, there were locked lips, and kids in kimonos, and Milo is Do you have Milo? Oh, you know what? I think I saw him earlier.
Never mind.
I told you.
They're really teenagers now, Martin.
It's scary.
I know, but I thought we were gonna side-step - all this stuff.
- Me, too.
I thought it was gonna be all, you know, fan-fic and Reddit threads until college.
- But we're here.
- Oh, we're here.
- And if we're too strict, they'll rebel.
- Yeah, and if we're too loose, they're gonna group bathe and start trash-talking the '90s.
I'm still so steamed.
I'd always had such confidence in our parenting skills well, mine.
But now according to Mae, I am labeling, objectifying, and afraid of intimacy.
Look, I don't wanna go back up there alone, okay? Will you take my hand in parenting our horny children? I will.
MASON: I'd feel a little more comfortable talking privately - with Mom.
- And I'm not loving either of my options, but I prefer Dad.
- W - No.
Well, Th-Th-that's not how we're doing this.
You both have us both.
From now on, you're not going to get different answers on Mom Week or Dad Week.
- We are going to have house rules.
- And we're sticking to 'em.
No more playing both sides against the middle.
That said, we are very interested in hearing what is working - and not working for you.
- Yes.
Okay, the floor is now open.
I am sick of sharing a room with Milo.
I want privacy like Mae has.
Me? I don't have privacy.
I want a lock on my door.
I want a new mattress in the garage.
Please.
I can't sleep on the sofa bed anymore.
Well, I want you to try my nachos the next time I make them.
They're really good, and I think you'd be impressed.
Well, I think this is all doable.
Especially the nachos thing.
- Were you being serious? [TSKS.]
- Yes, I was.
Look, you guys are clearly at the age where you need your privacy, and we want you to have to have it.
Because we trust you.
So, on Mom and Dad Weeks, your doors can be closed.
As long as the communication is open.
And Bronwyn's parents are okay with it.
And what about China? Can she still sleep over? Unless she's your girlfriend, and then she cannot.
But we trust that you will let us know when or if that "label" applies.
Yeah - Nope.
- What about my lock? BOTH: No locks.
Well, what about Milo? Oh, uh, your mom and I talked about this.
We're getting rid of him.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Seriously though, where is Milo? - No.
I don't Milo? Milo? Milo? Are you in here? - - Oh, hello.
Welcome to Milo Town.
Population one.
We have universal healthcare, free speech, and no education.
Pork and beans, anyone? Um yeah, I'll do a cup.
Milo, what is all this? Since everybody kept telling me to get out of their rooms, I decided to strike out on my own.
Well, this is wildly impressive.
And these beans are better than they should be.
Uh, but your mom and I were thinking that the laundry room holds a lot of potential for a young developer like yourself.
Let me take that to the Mayor.
[WHISPERING BECOMING INDISTINCT.]
Do you wanna move on down He's on board! Great.
Okay, let's go, Buttercup.
[DOOR OPENING THEN TWO KNOCKS.]
- Hey.
- Whoa! They weren't kidding about that knock-knock-enter thing.
You can't wait for a "come in"? Sorry.
[SWEETLY.]
Come in.
- Ha, ha.
- [LAUGHS.]
Could've grown old and died out there waiting for that "come in.
" What's up? I'm proud of us.
Yeah.
What we did tonight, that felt right.
Safety in numbers, I guess.
I think it's more than that.
We're a good team.
- We are.
- Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? Do you think I'm afraid of intimacy? Well, there's only one way to know for sure - Stop it.
- To be clear, I'm not suggesting we sleep together.
I'm suggesting we sleep together.
You're suggesting slumber.
Correct.
And I know how much you've been nursing that heating pad, so come on.
[BOTH SIGH.]
[BOTH MOAN.]
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MARTIN SIGHS.]
- This is intimate.
- Mm-hm.
- 'Night.
- 'Night.
[STOMACH GURGLING.]
[STOMACH GROWLING LOUDLY.]
You know what? I shouldn't have eaten those bathroom beans.
It's a big mistake.
Oh, god the bed's all yours.
I'm gonna sleep in the garage.
Well, there's, uh, ginger ale in the mini-fridge.
Take tiny sips! Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Feel better.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Well, old boy.
Take it sleazy.
Quit being weird.
I think I got everything.
Although, I was unable to locate my booger box.
Yeah, it is what it sounds like.
Basically just an old shoe box full of my boogers.
Anyway, if you find it, it's yours.
Thanks.
Oh, speaking of boxes, I figured out a joint-custody arrangement for our Xbox.
So every other week, we switch off.
So the Xbox goes between my room and your room.
And that way, even though we don't live together, we can still get quality time with our console.
And on your off weeks, you're still free to play whatever you want.
Works for Mom and Dad.
Yeah, you're right.
It's a stupid idea.
I have a girlfriend now.
You can just have it.
- Yes!