Spy (2011) s02e10 Episode Script

You're making me nervous! Why are you so slow? Sir, this is an incredibly complex cryptogram.
I've already had to write an advanced quantum algorithm to maximise integer factorisation.
My god, you're boring.
Can I have your attention please! Now, as you already know, Caitlin and I - stand up honey Caitlin and I recently got engaged.
Yeah! Woo hoo! What are you doing? Now I could talk about this lady for hours.
But I actually want to say something about you guys.
Because since I arrived here You have taken me into your hearts.
That's an excellent speech.
I think back to work everyone.
And that goes for nobody more than Tim.
Huh? Tim, you're gonna be my best man! - What? - Get up here! - No.
- Give me a hug! - I don't want to.
- Give him a hug! If he doesn't want to Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! Alright! Alright.
- This feels incredible.
- Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Go on, say something, best man! Wow.
What can I say? Umm The British often think of Americans as being brash, loud, shallow morons but with Portis there is so much more to dislike.
This guy! I actually feel physically sick at the thought of being his best man.
Crazy British humour! In fact, I can honestly say that I hate you! And I hate you too, buddy.
And hey! You're all invited to the wedding! Just as soon as we've set a date.
Date's already been set, baby.
Three weeks from tomorrow, people.
- What? - Don't you think we've waited long enough? - The decoded message, sir.
- About bloody time.
My name's on this.
- This is a - A hit-list, yeah.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, to the happy couple.
Yay.
-- SPY S02E10 -- Codename: Last Scupper And when do you think humans started using fabrics for clothing? The earliest known woven textiles date back to around 6000 BC Actually, the earliest textiles date back to around 6,500 BC.
Actually, I think you'll find that for woven fabrics Shut up! Just shut up! You too! - I'm sick of both of you.
- Justine, could you please - Not now, Alan! - Right.
Sorry.
I've had enough.
Any leads on the assassin? We've been checking I don't care.
You can't be Portis' best man.
- I don't want to be.
- Then tell him you can't do it.
Make something up - you're busy that weekend.
Wait.
You're not actually going to marry him? - Tim.
- It's a simple question.
I don't expect you to understand.
But why? Look at him! I don't know.
Because he asked? - Because he asked?! Are you serious? - Keep your voice down.
That is ridiculous! Anyone could ask I could have asked.
But you didn't.
Didn't that kiss mean anything? I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Just tell Portis you can't be his best man.
No.
I'm sorry? Hey here he is! Bestie! - Hey buddy! - Hey.
- Catch you later? - You bet, homie! Isn't he great? - I'm warning you, tell him no.
- I can't.
- Why not? - Because he asked.
Don't say you weren't warned.
Oooh! I'm scared.
You OK? Relationships are complicated, aren't they? Yeah.
But don't worry, it always turns out alright in the end.
But what if it doesn't? What do you mean? Well, what if we've already met our soul-mate but the timing's wrong? Well What if we're forced to spend the rest of our lives knowing that true love was within touching distance, yet for ever untouchable? Oh my god! Are you dying? No.
Why God, why? I'm not dying! - Really? - No.
Then why the hell are you talking like this? You're eleven! What about me, I'm nearly forty.
I'm not married.
I don't have children.
Would you like to be married? - Yes.
- To Marcus' mum? She's my jagged angel.
Do you think she wants to marry you? I really don't know.
I'm sure it'll all work out.
- But what if it doesn't? - Errr What if she never wants to marry me? I don't know.
Sorry, I'm only eleven.
She's never going to marry me.
I want to die! Why, God, why! Moritz! Good, good.
Come in, come in.
Sit down.
Ooh look at you - Are you working out? - No.
You're looking buff.
Jaffa cake? Did you want something? Straight to the point.
That's what I like about you.
Professional.
I think I may have been a little harsh on you before.
You said I was a moronic parasite.
Did I? Really? Well, if I did it was Tim's fault! - He poisons me against you.
- I knew it! - Yeah.
He's jealous because you are my guy.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Because you know I would gladly give up my life to save yours.
That would be great, thank you.
If only I could.
Look, can't you just go back into the system and tinker with the list? I suppose we could try and make the assassin go after someone else.
Yeah, exactly! It's just such a busy time right now.
- What do you want? - You know what I want.
- Never! - I understand.
And I'm sure I can get around to the list early next week.
But the hit's going down tomorrow night.
That's right.
Well, we tried.
Great knowing you.
OK, OK! - I'll give you a week in Tenerife.
- Two weeks.
- Ten days.
- Done, but I pick the hotel.
Whatever.
Ha ha! Watch out ladies, here come the party boys! - I'll go and book the flights.
Window or aisle? - Window.
Exciting! - Great, you got the invitations then.
- Yeah.
We thought it would be fun for the four of us - to hang out properly, didn't we? - Yes.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Me too.
See you tomorrow.
- Bye.
- Bye! What a bitch.
No, it's OK.
I'm sorry about before.
I was out of line.
I'm sorry.
OK.
Actually, you wouldn't mind coming to meet my friend? - It's just she's going to be maid of honour.
- What, now? Only if you have time.
It's just that you and she will probably need to liaise quite a bit over the next couple of weeks.
Yeah, OK, just give me a minute.
Really? Thanks so much.
Item 2- Guests.
My client wants a minimum of seventy five percent of the seating allocation in the registry office.
Well, I think I'll leave you to it.
Counter offer? No? Then that's agreed.
Moving on, Item 3.
- Forget it! - It's not negotiable.
My client cannot afford Lionel Richie.
So what are you offering? I would need to take instructions but we might be able to stretch to Terence Trent D'Arby.
Are you out of your mind? My client won't accept nothing less than Phil Collins.
Caitlin doesn't even like Phil Collins.
Wait a second Cocktails at the Inland Revenue? Pickled herring and pasta? Honeymoon in the Antarctic? This isn't Caitlin's perfect wedding is it, it's yours! Ok, fine! I admit it.
I got a bit carried away.
But I never had a proper wedding.
- Well we did the best we could.
- I know.
But come on, Tim, we spent our honeymoon in a tent in Essex.
It rained all week and we did nothing.
Well, I wouldn't say we did nothing.
What do you? In fact, I seem to remember us doing 'nothing' for four days straight.
Yes, OK.
Do you ever miss "us"? No.
Now then, where do you stand on Gloria Estefan? - What's going on? - I'm alive! I'm off the list! - Ha-ha! - That's great.
How come? Because of this little genius! Come on, tell him.
- Well I don't like to brag - OK.
But it was a fiendishly complex process actually.
I created a digital echo of the hit list and then mapped it onto a dummy target identity which will be - visible to the assassin when he accesses it.
- A dummy target identity? He's accessing the list.
He doesn't know what to make of it.
That's my house! Why's he looking at my house? - You gave him my post code.
- Oh no! - How embarrassing! - Delete it! Yeah, there's nothing I can really do about that now it's been accessed.
Don't worry, Tim.
We'll do everything we can to protect you.
OK, we're in position.
Roger that.
This one's a little pricier, but we do get sea views.
Wait, no, no we don't want to go full board, do we? We want to explore a little.
Is he out there now? Come away from the window.
Do you think he'll shoot you in the face first or the chest? Ooh, I don't know.
Chest first I reckon.
Then finish you off with two in the head.
Douff! Douff! Good.
This is perfect! Thanks.
No, you idiot.
Don't you see? This is your chance to get it on with Caitlin.
She's only coming here as back-up.
So what? What have you got to lose? Think about it, by tomorrow you could be alive and going out with the woman you love.
Or dead, and still single.
I might not be alive tomorrow.
Highly unlikely.
This is my last chance before they get married.
That's the spirit! Thanks Chris.
It would mean a lot to me if you stayed.
Yeah, I'm not going to do that.
There's a killer out there! Come on, let's hug it out.
Good luck, Timster.
Don't get dead.
Zulu 1 approaching.
I'm going to go and get changed.
Thanks for bringing him home.
That's fine.
Can't stop though.
We're going out for a romantic meal.
I don't know why you keep going on about it.
I told you, I have a voucher.
Whatever you say, my darling.
Well come on, let's go.
Wait.
Goodbye, Judith.
You take care.
It's just a dinner.
You're alright, Philip.
Thanks Tim.
It means a lot to get your blessing.
Do you want to drive? I do.
You looking forward to your dinner? No.
I hate Nick, and Justine is a terrible cook.
- Worse than me? - Nearly.
- Wow.
- Quite.
I just wish he wasn't there.
Do you have any idea what it's like to be around an obnoxious pedantic know-it-all? Must be annoying.
It is, I can tell you.
If only he could be taught a lesson, just once.
Maybe we could help each other out? Now remember, the scallops need to be lightly seared before being served.
The Madeira jelly is prepped, - and you just need to reheat the almond veloute.
- Got it.
Now, you need to get Nick next to the rear window by twenty hundred hours.
Understood.
The turbot is roasting on a low heat.
It needs to be served with the braised celery and the artichoke jus.
Right, now under no circumstances are you to come back to the house.
Alright, but if you burn the fennel and cider emulsion, - I will personally hunt you down and kill you.
- Fair enough.
- That'll be Mia.
- Alright, go.
Good luck.
- You too.
- I love you.
- Don't ruin it.
- Sorry.
Bravo One approaching.
Listen, I'm sorry for earlier, what I said about you and Portis.
- Me too.
- Truce? Absolutely.
It smells amazing in here.
- Yeah, a little something I threw together if you're hungry? - OK.
What are you doing? I don't know.
- You're acting very strangely tonight.
- Am I? - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Aah! I knew it! Philip! It's squid.
That's right.
And you know how much I love squid.
Yours OK? Ooh, it's hot! I just picked myself up a rather tasty BMX Diamondback actually.
Yeah? - She's a real beauty.
- Mmmm Your hair looks nice.
Have you done something to it? Not really.
That was incredible.
Yeah, thank you.
I was particularly pleased with the celeriac fondant.
I'm sure Portis is a very good cook? Portis' idea of haute cuisine is a barbecue burger with extra relish.
Yeah, I'm sure those fundamental differences aren't going to destroy your marriage.
Behave.
Would you excuse me one second, I just need to take care of a couple of things.
- Who's the chicken Bhuna? - Me.
And a Lamb Pasanda, that's mine.
Keema naan? Keema naan Here.
OK.
And what's this barbecue burger? Yo! Up front.
OK.
Papadums we haven't got any knives and forks.
I mean, yes of course I have doubts about Portis.
I know my dad's not keen - How was it? - Yeah.
Honestly, it was pretty disgusting.
I thought it was good.
Where's your bathroom? I'll show you.
I mean, what, do I ever think about you and me? Of course I do, Tim.
Is that the new Chinese satellite? Losing your touch, Elliot? Which one? That one.
- Where? - There.
That's not a satellite, you muppet! That's Venus! Yes.
Of course.
The goddess of love.
God, listen to me.
You must think I'm dreadful.
Are you being mysterious in there? Tim? Tim, what are? Black treacle parfait with star anise foam and stem ginger ice cream.
After you.
OK enough, what's the matter with you? To hell with it! I can't wait any longer.
Yes, yes I will marry you! Are you proposing to me? - No! You're proposing to me! - No I'm not.
Yes you are! I saw you.
The wedding dresses and the magazines? That was for Caitlin.
I'm her maid of honour.
- Oh! - You silly goat! I feel like a complete fool.
No, don't, it's sweet.
Come on, let's go home.
Have you ever spent the night in a tent? - I might die tonight - Tim - No, please.
It's true and I can deal with that but there is something I want to say.
And the thing is Scorpion detected.
Scorpion detected.
Go.
How is he? I'm really sorry, Nick.
You poisoned me with that disgusting food.
- That's not fair.
- Because of your crappy cooking, I've had to spend the entire evening in this ghastly toilet I mean, seriously, who's still got wallpaper like that? Don't speak to her like that.
That's right.
Here come the water works.
I'm the one with gastroenteritis and you're crying.
I don't want to go out with you anymore.
- Well that's just fine by me.
- You're a horrible person.
Oh no! You alright? I didn't want to have to tell you like this, but I'm going away.
- We're moving.
- When? - Soon.
Sorry.
Scorpion on the move.
Looks like this is it.
I love you.
I love you too.
Oh you guys! Wow, easy! You came back to be with me? I actually forgot my iPod but yeah, let's go with yours.
- Scorpion moving.
- Get down! This is what we live for, yeah? Hell yeah! Hooray.
Let's lock and load! - What happened? - Scorpion's dead.
Who got him? Wasn't that awesome! Could we have a quick chat? - I told you I'd protect my superstar.
- Huh.
- What's going on? Um, I don't know.
I think it's a car accident or something.
How was your dinner? Not good.
How was yours? Perfect.
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