Strangers with Candy (1999) s02e10 Episode Script

1
Why do we have to car pool
with the Faganocolouses?
I smell like feta cheese.
I like the car pool.
The Faganocolouses
are good people.
Good people?
They're Greeks, and Greeks
are just Jews without money.
I'll pick you up at four.
Bye, Mr. Faga
Ah, damn goats ate my lunch!
[RADIO RAP MUSIC]
Hey, Melissa, nice car!
I can't wait for your party!
Great Flairs!
Yeah!
I smell a goat.
Oh, hey, Jerri,
how's the car pool?
Car pool?
Well, I'm gonna be gettin'
my own wheels pretty soon.
It's gonna be a hot ride.
As soon as you
get your car, Jerri,
why don't you drive it
over to my floating house
and show it to my leprechaun?
[GIGGLING]
I want a leprechaun.
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends,
did a lot of time.
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole the TV.
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
Up next, the "okie."
The humorous drifter
from the Dust Bowl days.
Now, the okie
Jerri, feet off the desk.
Melissa, lovely shoes.
They're Flairs.
I know.
Where was I?
Right, the okie.
Now, this good-natured,
toothless, raggedy-pant tramp
can seem harmless enough
until someone threatens
his stash of corn liquor.
And then he will
lash out like a bobcat
[BELL RINGING]
Okay, people, tomorrow we'll
continue our focus on the poor,
and why they are dangerous.
What is this?
I'm having a party
tomorrow night,
I was hoping you'd come.
I think it would be pretty
inappropriate for a teacher
to show up at a student's party.
I'm having a party tomorrow
night. What can I bring?
I make a hell of a shrimp paste.
French dressing, that's the key!
What are you wearing to your
party tomorrow night, Melissa?
I just bought a new dress made
from unborn leopard pelts!
Sounds great!
Oh, and of course, my Flairs.
It is gonna be
"phat dope."
My father hired this
new techno-trip rave DJ
and some professional
hip-hop dancers.
Hey, Jerri, you're still
comin' to my party, right?
My papa's gonna
play his castanets,
my mee-ma's gonna
tell stories with her hands!
Shhh, keep it down,
"Poor-lando"!
I'm tryin' to eavesdrop
on Melissa's party plans.
Oh, hey, Jerri!
Are you doing something
new with your hair?
It looks destitute.
Hey, Melissa, about your party?
Well, I'm sure you tried to
We must've crossed paths,
I mean, I didn't have
I lost my flyer.
I didn't give you a flyer.
Well, mystery solved.
You probably wanna
give me one now.
Look, Jerri, you don't
really seem
Dressed to come to my party.
I'll change!
Okay, well, why don't you change
into someone who can afford
a pair of Flairs,
and when that happens
you can come to my party.
I gotta get a pair of Flairs
for Melissa's party, Orlando!
You crazy, Jerri?
Why would you wanna go
to their party?
Besides, you can't afford
Flairs.
I know how to get money. How?
Gimme some money.
No, Jerri.
Why would you wanna go
to her party and not mine?
Because she's rich!
Jerri, I don't think you know
what truly rich is.
Well, I know what rich isn't,
and I'm lookin' at it.
What is art worth?
Good question, me!
The value of art
is subjective, or is it?
It is.
So with that in mind, let's take
a look at your origami projects.
Oh, a goose, I like it,
butterfly, very nice!
Do you have your project, Jerri?
I made this!
What is it?
Watch Washington.
Happy?
I'm so sad.
Happy?
Sad!
I don't get it.
Hey, what do you have, Melissa?
Oh yeah, the project.
Let's see
Watch Franklin.
I'm happy, so sad.
I'm happy, so sad,
happy, sad, happy, sad.
That is charming!
That's an "A+" for you,
way to go!
What about me?
Jerri, for some reason, Washington
doesn't seem all that clever.
I'm gonna give you
a "D".
[BELL RINGS]
Okay, people,
that's it for today.
Leave your projects
on the table,
I'm gonna fire them in the kiln!
Good work!
Nicely done, way to go!
Jerri, what's the matter?
You seem poorer than usual.
Mr. Jellineck, well,
you wear nice clothes,
and you have your hair
professionally done,
you wear makeup.
You must know about money.
How can I make money?
Well, I could tell you
how I made money.
I had this beloved rich aunt,
who slipped into
what we assumed was a coma
so we had her quickly
euthanized and split her cash.
I'm sure we would've
wanted her to want it that way.
Family equals money!
Ho ho ho!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
This is "DJ Instep,"
and this is my man DJ Sock:
"Yeah-yeah-yeah, what!"
And we here to bring
you the Flairs, baby!
The phat Flairs comin,
straight at ya
with the extra-extra-extra-
long laces!
Damn, that's a long lace!
Flairs, baby,
it's off the flava meter!
What, them laces are trippin'!
Flairs, baby, are
off the "hoo-zac."
Ring the "Bullzac,"
2-2 strips of bacon!
Want Flairs, gotta move!
Bring your attitude,
and lots and lots
and lots and lots of cash!
Damn, that's an expensive shoe!
Flairs, baby!
You can't afford
a pair of Flairs?
Lo-ser!
Mother, I'm so glad you're home.
I have a question
that I have to ask you.
Please, Jerri,
I just got in, I'm tired!
Can't this wait forever?
Oh, Step-mommy!
There's this pair of shoes
that I want to have to have,
and I'll just die
if I don't have 'em, die!
That's a tempting offer, Jerri.
So can I have the money?
Mmm, nope.
Hey, loser.
You're the loser, loser!
Please, you kids,
Derrick was right.
Jerri, you're the loser.
What about my money?
Listen, kids, since
I'm unwilling to work,
money is a little scarce.
We're all going to have to start
tightening Jerri's belt,
understand?
But that's not fair!
Look, honey, you're not
in this alone.
We're all going to have
to make you make sacrifices.
I have to buy a pair of Flairs!
Where have I heard this word
"Flairs" before?
Right here!
Oh, ho, ho, right!
I hate this family!
I don't need you!
I got plenty of ways
to make money!
Damn, that's a long lace.
Hey, Jerri.
Have you reconsidered
coming to my party?
What party?
You know, my party tonight!
I'll be at Melissa's.
Well!
What about the Flairs?
Learn from a master.
If it ain't Mr. Captain
of the Football Team.
I was disappointed in your
performance on Saturday.
What do you mean, we won!
Big deal, you didn't
beat the spread.
What?
Get to class.
Ow, ah, ooo!
You poor thing.
Not for long,
I feel a lawsuit comin' on.
Sue away, we're not insured.
Ugh, we're not?
Of course not, Blank.
If we were, everyone would be
tossing themselves
down those stairs.
Hell, I'd take a
run at it, myself.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ow, ow, ow!
Here's how it's gonna go.
I'm gonna need, from you,
a dollar a day, starting now,
and ending Never.
Why would I do that?
Think of it as protection.
From what?
I don't know.
Things that could happen
to any high school girl.
Maybe after lockdown,
someone could come to your cell
and stick you with a shiv.
Or in the laundry room,
when the bulls are lookin'
the other way,
you could fall into the mangler.
Or in the yard,
you could simply
[ZZZZZZZ]
Ah ah
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Damn, that's gotta sting.
So, tad,
you got that big history paper
done yet?
Are you kidding?
I haven't even started.
Ooh, that's too bad.
Oh!
What do we have here?
It's a history paper.
"The Battle of
[MUMBLING]."
Oh, yeah, yeah, s'good, s'good.
I'll tell you what,
you can have this one!
Really?
For a little green.
Well, what's the grade?
Trust me, you'll be surprised.
Hey, Blank.
I want my money back.
This paper got an "F"!
All sales final.
Oh!
Loud and clear!
Here, keep the change.
Oh, as luck would have it,
another history paper has made
its way into circulation.
You buyin' or not?
Come with me, Jerri Blank.
Blank, the audacity!
Selling term papers on my turf?
That's an honor code offense.
I need the money.
We all need the money,
get a job!
I don't know how to get a job.
Then go see our job counselor,
Ms. Plog.
Plog!
Now get out!
[SPORTS ANNOUNCER SCREAMING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Nico, listen, I
[MUFFLED RANTING]
Of course I'm going to pay you
your money, I
Oh, don't say that Nico.
Don't even joke about that
Well, a man needs his elbows!
You know what
you'd look good in?
A bright yellow school bus!
Just picture yourself
riding around town
with 50 lucky
ladies in the back!
Hello?
[DIAL TONE]
Nico, hello?
Hel?
So you want a job?
No, I want money.
Usually, when people want money,
they get a job.
I don't wanna work
for "the man."
Of course you don't!
What you want
is financial independence.
Look at these products,
Jerri, look!
Soaps, detergents,
cleansers, everything!
All comparably priced
to what you'd find in any
neighborhood grocery store,
but it takes 4 to 6 weeks
to be delivered!
You say you don't want
to work for anyone,
and that's the beauty!
You work for yourself
by working for me!
You see, I set up 10 managers,
who each set up
10 more managers,
who each in turn establish
a 10-manager management team,
and we all split the profits!
Is this Amway?
No, it is not!
Well then, why don't I just
get a normal after-school job?
Fine, more profit for me!
Oh Jerri, one more thing.
Yeah?
Wanna buy some soap?
Maybe after I get
my first paycheck.
Oh, good, it'll be
my first sale!
My manager will be so happy!
This portion of
"Strangers with Candy"
is brought to you by Flairs.
Flairs: Damn, that's
a long lace!
Sorry I'm late!
Oh, you must be Jerri.
Your student counselor
tells me you're a hard worker,
and that's good enough for me.
Boy, am I sleepy.
When's quittin' time, chief?
I bet you can't wait
to get started!
Let's hit the stock room!
C'mon!
All right
Okay, this is where
we keep the shoes.
Men's on that side,
women's over here.
Any questions?
Can I knock off early,
so I can go
to a rich girl's party?
Oh, funny, customers like that.
I bet you're a natural salesman.
I could sell cheese
to a Chinaman.
OK, let's see what you got.
I'm a customer;
Sell me a shoe.
Wanna buy a shoe?
I'm not sure.
Bye.
Remember, Jerri, you're
supposed to sell me shoes.
I'll make it easy.
Look, uh I'm a businessman
who just got into town.
They lost my luggage
at the airport.
I have a big meeting
and I have no shoes!
Sell me some shoes!
You're a businessman?
Okay, uh, what do you sell?
I don't know, Jerri,
aluminum siding.
Aluminum siding, I'll take some!
Are you following the game
here, Jerri?
You have to sell me shoes!
Understand?
Yes, shoes.
Okay.
I'll make it even easier.
I come from
a small amazonian tribe.
I'm a filthy,
shoe-loving savage!
I have brought all
the tribal wealth,
golden idols, diamonds
as big as a baby's head!
I must return
to the tribe with shoes,
or my cannibal brothers
will feast upon my brain!
Sell me a shoe, Jerri Blank!
What kind of shoe do you want?
It doesn't matter!
Something sensible,
a low-cut strappy sandal.
I don't see you in a sandal.
How 'bout a boot?
Do you sell boots?
No, but I know who does!
You stink!
Let's hit the floor!
So, pops, can I make
enough money in a few hours
to go home with
a pair of Flairs?
Flairs, damn, that's
an expensive shoe!
Well, you're on commission,
so sky's the limit.
All you have to do
is sell a lot of shoes.
Here's your first customer.
Go get him!
Can I help you?
I'm looking for some shoes.
How'd you wear
the last pair out?
They're for my daughter!
Ahhh, you'll get 'em next time.
Hey, Jerri!
I just came by to remind you
about my party.
You're having a party?
Come on, Jerri,
you've gotta come!
Everybody else
is going to Melissa's.
Guess I'll be seein' everybody.
You're not coming because
my family is poor,
well, we're rich in a way
you will never understand!
Who's the hot-head?
That's my friend, Orlando.
He wants me to come
to his crummy poor party,
but I wanna go to
a rich girl's party.
So you're gonna
ditch your friend,
just so you can go to
some rich girl's party?
Yeah!
Let me tell you a story, Jerri.
Oh, no.
When I was a kid, I was poor.
And I was sweet on this
high and mighty gal
named "Daisy."
So I had a party,
just so I could invite her.
Did she come?
No.
She was off with that Dutch
Lonagan, with his zoot suit,
with the reet pleat and
the shaved-raccoon coat.
Well, look at me today!
Maybe I'm not Mr. Fancy Pants,
but I own my own business.
What happened to Daisy?
Nobody really knows.
But I can tell you
where she's not buried,
underneath this shoe store!
Another customer, Jerri,
make it happen!
Oh, Melissa,
I can't wait on her.
What are you talking about?
I thought you wanted to make
enough to get a pair of Flairs?
Every sale counts,
get over there!
Hello, Melissa, can I help you?
Well, ha-ha!
Look who's got
an after-school job.
If it isn't
"Little Orphan Dwarfy."
Why don't you have a seat?
I'll be with you
in just a moment.
Please don't make me
go back over there!
She's gonna buy, I can smell it!
But that's the rich girl
I'm trying to impress!
That's the rich girl?
Who needs her?
Go tell her we're closed.
Sorry, Melissa, we're closed.
Really, too bad.
I was planning on buying
a fresh pair of Flairs
for my party.
Which would mean
I'd have an extra pair,
which I could donate
to a needy person.
Do you know anyone who needs
a pair of Flairs for a party?
Hmm, Jerri?
I can't think of a me!
Well, then, why don't you, um
Shamble on to the back
and find me some Flairs,
and we'll see what happens.
Size?
Size 2, narrow.
Jerri, what are you doing?
You don't need her
and her high-falutin' party!
Go to your friend's.
Show her you are
better than her!
And some day, she'll be
begging you for her life.
Here you go.
Jerri, take off my shoes.
My hands
don't feel like untying.
Oh, and my feet are sore,
why don't you rub 'em?
You know something, Melissa?
I don't need you,
or your fancy shoes,
because I won't be goin'
to your party tonight.
I'm going to
a real friend's house!
I'm proud of you, Jerri.
When you have friends,
you're rich on the inside.
And tender flaky-cakey
on the outside!
Number 1: you have
a crummy sales staff.
Number 2: these Flairs
are scuffed!
Hmmm.
Why don't you step
into the stock room
and pick out a fresh pair,
Daisy.
Da da da da
da da da da da ♪
[KNOCKING]
Hey, Jerri,
I'm so glad you came!
Hey, everyone, this is Jerri!
Jerri! Jerri!
Jerri!
Come dance with us!
Oh, oh!
Aaaaah!
I'm so glad you came,
Jerri! So am I, Orlando!
You know, I was
so confused before,
but now it's finally
clear what I really want!
I wanna party with rich people!
[CLUB MUSIC]
Well, I guess what I learned
this week
is that you can be rich in
friends or family or love,
but the only thing that matters
is being rich in money.
Oh, and one more thing,
the poor are a filthy,
thieving people.
G'night!
Hey, where's Melissa?