Superjail! (2007) s02e10 Episode Script
Vacation
[ Foghorn blows .]
[ Grumbling .]
[ Boing! .]
[ Both scream .]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [ Groans .]
[ All screaming .]
[ Gasping .]
[ All screaming .]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be you know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street oh! well, it's a drag, and I know there's only one place to go I'm coming home whoa, yeah I'm coming home [ Crickets chirping .]
[ Snoring .]
[ Shuddering .]
[ Chicken clucking .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Clock ticking .]
[ Crows .]
Report to the yard immediately! This is not a drill! Prepare for evacuation, because I'm taking you on vacation.
Say hello to my newest masterpiece, jail-boat! [ Fanfare .]
[ Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! .]
[ Funk music plays .]
[ All cheering .]
Huh? Jared: This is insane! You can't take criminals on va-- Alice: It's way too early to listen to him bitch.
Warden: Get ready for the adventure of a life sentence.
Uh, where we going? Warden: Glad you asked.
[ Whistles .]
Salty, come on up here, you old sea dog.
Have any of you ever heard of the skylands? All: No.
Warden: They're an archipelago of magical floating islands filled with wondrous things to see and do.
This one's made of French fries.
Real Teddy bears live on this one.
Is there a fire skyland? Of course.
Is there a skyland where we can go antiquing? Warden: Most certainly.
[ Grumbles .]
Warden: You better believe it.
Hey, look! It's beautiful! Warden: What say we get a closer look? [ All screaming .]
[ Zapping .]
[ All squawking .]
[ Engine turns off .]
Oopsie.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Shrieks .]
[ Laughing .]
Ooh! You're a nasty little critter.
I'm gonna call you fang.
Who dares disturb my peaceful domain?! Turn back, ye mortals, or face my wrath! Warden: I'm afraid we can't turn back.
You see, we're on vacation.
Foolish mortals! [ All screaming .]
[ Zapping .]
[ Creaking .]
Warden: Wow! Did you see that? What a ride! There's the adventure I promised, right, Alice? Jared: Sir, jail-boat's badly damaged! Alice and Jailbot are missing! And so is salty, which means we're also lost! Ugh, looks like salty bit the big one.
Ooh, but thank goodness you're okay, boy.
What's that, little fella? [ Shrieks .]
What are you trying to tell me? Ooh! "X" marks the spot.
Island.
I want it! [ Laughs .]
Stranded in the middle of nowhere.
We're out of food.
We're out of water.
And the cigarette! And cigarettes.
This is all the warden's fault.
Yeah, he led us up [Bleep.]
Creek without a [Bleep.]
Paddle.
Then perhaps it's time for a new captain.
[ Both laugh evilly .]
Warden: Mutiny?! How can they do this to me after I planned this wonderful vacation for all of them? Jared: Because they're convicted murderers and rapists who you decided to take on vacation! Hey, shut up and keep rowing! [ Quacks .]
So, new captain, where you takin' us? You know, I got me a girl back in Cleveland.
Screw Cleveland! We're setting sail for here.
Is that the cigarette island? No, idiot! It says, uh, yeah, cigarette island, where the sweetest tobacco you'll ever wrap your lips around is yours for the smoking, where cigarettes of every size, shape, and flavor sprout from cigar trees under nicotine sky.
What are we waitin' for? [ Indistinct shouting .]
Land ho! [ Indistinct shouting .]
Hey, hey, hold up, buddy dude.
Where is all the cigarette? Uh, through the jungle, up there.
This reminds me of a time years ago when I was but a young officer in the war.
I was tied up behind enemy lines.
Keep it down! Jared: Gosh, how did you escape? Jared: Ow! Hey! What gives?! I said shut up in there! Warden: Aah! What the hell?! All right, I warned you! [ Grunts .]
And that's how we escaped.
Warden: Uh, a little creepy there, doc.
Now let's take back jail-boat! Yeah! We're getting close.
[ All scream .]
Whoa, look at all that canuch.
We're rich! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good, good.
But what about the cigarette? Oh, just stop with the cigarettes, okay? There's no [Bleep.]
Cigarettes! Besides, we're rich! [ Laughs .]
[ Crackling .]
[ Snakes hissing .]
[ All screaming .]
Jail-boat -- she's kaput.
Jared: The communicator still works.
We can call for help.
Warden: Take a look around, Jared.
Who's gonna help us? [ Beep .]
No, no, no.
No way.
Unh-unh.
Jared: They're our only hope, sir.
Warden: But she's like my archenemy, even though I don't see her very often and we slept together and -- [ dialing .]
You have them on speed dial? Hello? Jared: Charise.
Hi, Jared.
Jared: Listen up.
The warden took Superjail on a vacation.
Warden: Hi, charise.
Jared: And then there was a charise! Who are you talking to? Oh, you.
Warden: We need [ Sighs .]
Your help.
[ Laughs .]
My help? [ Dial tone .]
Warden: Great idea, Jared.
[ Inmates screaming .]
What's that sound? Jared: Ha, they're getting what they deserve.
Warden: No, Jared.
We have to help them.
Jared: What?! But they're traitors! Warden: Sure, they're treacherous mutineers, but when those twisted, broken souls passed through the gates of Superjail, I made a sacred promise to help them.
We're going down there, and we're going to save them.
And, by golly, we're gonna finish this cruise and give them the best vacation of their life.
Jared: Aye, aye, captain.
All: Aah! Jared: Oh, crap! You used all the bullets.
Suck it up! It's hand-to-leg now.
Aah! [ Hisses .]
[ Squawks .]
Look! It's angels! [ All hiss .]
[ Shrieks .]
Hallelujah! We're saved! Silence! Aah! You've desecrated our sacred temple with your impure man flesh.
Let's string them up by their disgusting genitals and -- no, only the queen may decide their man-pigs! Alice: Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Jared: Alice! You're alive! Alice: Yeah, no thanks you schmucks.
After I got knocked overboard, I was stranded on some pissant little island.
Only, it wasn't an island.
It was alive.
And one day, it got up and walked here.
Then these guys made me their queen 'cause of some prophecy or something.
Warden: That's a lovely story, Alice, and I'd love to hear the rest of it after we're all back home.
Alice: Pff, are you kidding? I'm not going anywhere.
Warden: But, Alice, what about Superjail? Alice: Screw Superjail.
I'm a freaking queen -- duh! Jared: Well, then tell them to let us go! Alice: It's not that simple.
You offended their goddess or some crap.
In case you didn't notice, we're a race of warrior women.
That means no dudes allowed.
Jared: No dudes allowed?! I'll show them who's a dude! [ All gasp .]
By the goddess' teats! She's a man-demon! Alice: Hey, no fair! I'm taking pills.
I'm getting this removed.
Chain him up with his friends! Let them all suffer a horrible death by the giant Krynokk! Warden: [ Chuckles .]
What? Alice: Why'd you have to out me, shorty? At least all of us wouldn't have to die.
[ Roars .]
[ Squeaks .]
Jared: They're communicating with each other.
I think the big one is the mommy monster, and the little one is the baby monster.
Jared: Give it to her, and maybe she won't eat us! Alice: I got a better idea.
Ugh! Catch, bitches! [ Roars .]
[ All screaming .]
Warden: Now, that's what I call an adventure.
Alice: Well, so much for my kingdom.
How the crap are we gonna get home? Warden: I think I have an idea.
Full speed ahead, doctor! Let's go home! [ Whoosh! .]
[ All gasping, groaning .]
[ Crash! .]
Warden: [ Groans .]
We did it.
We made it, Jared.
Jared: Home sweet -- don't you mean my ultra-prison? [ Laughs evilly .]
[ Grumbling .]
[ Boing! .]
[ Both scream .]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [ Groans .]
[ All screaming .]
[ Gasping .]
[ All screaming .]
Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be you know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street oh! well, it's a drag, and I know there's only one place to go I'm coming home whoa, yeah I'm coming home [ Crickets chirping .]
[ Snoring .]
[ Shuddering .]
[ Chicken clucking .]
[ Beeping .]
[ Clock ticking .]
[ Crows .]
Report to the yard immediately! This is not a drill! Prepare for evacuation, because I'm taking you on vacation.
Say hello to my newest masterpiece, jail-boat! [ Fanfare .]
[ Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! .]
[ Funk music plays .]
[ All cheering .]
Huh? Jared: This is insane! You can't take criminals on va-- Alice: It's way too early to listen to him bitch.
Warden: Get ready for the adventure of a life sentence.
Uh, where we going? Warden: Glad you asked.
[ Whistles .]
Salty, come on up here, you old sea dog.
Have any of you ever heard of the skylands? All: No.
Warden: They're an archipelago of magical floating islands filled with wondrous things to see and do.
This one's made of French fries.
Real Teddy bears live on this one.
Is there a fire skyland? Of course.
Is there a skyland where we can go antiquing? Warden: Most certainly.
[ Grumbles .]
Warden: You better believe it.
Hey, look! It's beautiful! Warden: What say we get a closer look? [ All screaming .]
[ Zapping .]
[ All squawking .]
[ Engine turns off .]
Oopsie.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Shrieks .]
[ Laughing .]
Ooh! You're a nasty little critter.
I'm gonna call you fang.
Who dares disturb my peaceful domain?! Turn back, ye mortals, or face my wrath! Warden: I'm afraid we can't turn back.
You see, we're on vacation.
Foolish mortals! [ All screaming .]
[ Zapping .]
[ Creaking .]
Warden: Wow! Did you see that? What a ride! There's the adventure I promised, right, Alice? Jared: Sir, jail-boat's badly damaged! Alice and Jailbot are missing! And so is salty, which means we're also lost! Ugh, looks like salty bit the big one.
Ooh, but thank goodness you're okay, boy.
What's that, little fella? [ Shrieks .]
What are you trying to tell me? Ooh! "X" marks the spot.
Island.
I want it! [ Laughs .]
Stranded in the middle of nowhere.
We're out of food.
We're out of water.
And the cigarette! And cigarettes.
This is all the warden's fault.
Yeah, he led us up [Bleep.]
Creek without a [Bleep.]
Paddle.
Then perhaps it's time for a new captain.
[ Both laugh evilly .]
Warden: Mutiny?! How can they do this to me after I planned this wonderful vacation for all of them? Jared: Because they're convicted murderers and rapists who you decided to take on vacation! Hey, shut up and keep rowing! [ Quacks .]
So, new captain, where you takin' us? You know, I got me a girl back in Cleveland.
Screw Cleveland! We're setting sail for here.
Is that the cigarette island? No, idiot! It says, uh, yeah, cigarette island, where the sweetest tobacco you'll ever wrap your lips around is yours for the smoking, where cigarettes of every size, shape, and flavor sprout from cigar trees under nicotine sky.
What are we waitin' for? [ Indistinct shouting .]
Land ho! [ Indistinct shouting .]
Hey, hey, hold up, buddy dude.
Where is all the cigarette? Uh, through the jungle, up there.
This reminds me of a time years ago when I was but a young officer in the war.
I was tied up behind enemy lines.
Keep it down! Jared: Gosh, how did you escape? Jared: Ow! Hey! What gives?! I said shut up in there! Warden: Aah! What the hell?! All right, I warned you! [ Grunts .]
And that's how we escaped.
Warden: Uh, a little creepy there, doc.
Now let's take back jail-boat! Yeah! We're getting close.
[ All scream .]
Whoa, look at all that canuch.
We're rich! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good, good.
But what about the cigarette? Oh, just stop with the cigarettes, okay? There's no [Bleep.]
Cigarettes! Besides, we're rich! [ Laughs .]
[ Crackling .]
[ Snakes hissing .]
[ All screaming .]
Jail-boat -- she's kaput.
Jared: The communicator still works.
We can call for help.
Warden: Take a look around, Jared.
Who's gonna help us? [ Beep .]
No, no, no.
No way.
Unh-unh.
Jared: They're our only hope, sir.
Warden: But she's like my archenemy, even though I don't see her very often and we slept together and -- [ dialing .]
You have them on speed dial? Hello? Jared: Charise.
Hi, Jared.
Jared: Listen up.
The warden took Superjail on a vacation.
Warden: Hi, charise.
Jared: And then there was a charise! Who are you talking to? Oh, you.
Warden: We need [ Sighs .]
Your help.
[ Laughs .]
My help? [ Dial tone .]
Warden: Great idea, Jared.
[ Inmates screaming .]
What's that sound? Jared: Ha, they're getting what they deserve.
Warden: No, Jared.
We have to help them.
Jared: What?! But they're traitors! Warden: Sure, they're treacherous mutineers, but when those twisted, broken souls passed through the gates of Superjail, I made a sacred promise to help them.
We're going down there, and we're going to save them.
And, by golly, we're gonna finish this cruise and give them the best vacation of their life.
Jared: Aye, aye, captain.
All: Aah! Jared: Oh, crap! You used all the bullets.
Suck it up! It's hand-to-leg now.
Aah! [ Hisses .]
[ Squawks .]
Look! It's angels! [ All hiss .]
[ Shrieks .]
Hallelujah! We're saved! Silence! Aah! You've desecrated our sacred temple with your impure man flesh.
Let's string them up by their disgusting genitals and -- no, only the queen may decide their man-pigs! Alice: Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Jared: Alice! You're alive! Alice: Yeah, no thanks you schmucks.
After I got knocked overboard, I was stranded on some pissant little island.
Only, it wasn't an island.
It was alive.
And one day, it got up and walked here.
Then these guys made me their queen 'cause of some prophecy or something.
Warden: That's a lovely story, Alice, and I'd love to hear the rest of it after we're all back home.
Alice: Pff, are you kidding? I'm not going anywhere.
Warden: But, Alice, what about Superjail? Alice: Screw Superjail.
I'm a freaking queen -- duh! Jared: Well, then tell them to let us go! Alice: It's not that simple.
You offended their goddess or some crap.
In case you didn't notice, we're a race of warrior women.
That means no dudes allowed.
Jared: No dudes allowed?! I'll show them who's a dude! [ All gasp .]
By the goddess' teats! She's a man-demon! Alice: Hey, no fair! I'm taking pills.
I'm getting this removed.
Chain him up with his friends! Let them all suffer a horrible death by the giant Krynokk! Warden: [ Chuckles .]
What? Alice: Why'd you have to out me, shorty? At least all of us wouldn't have to die.
[ Roars .]
[ Squeaks .]
Jared: They're communicating with each other.
I think the big one is the mommy monster, and the little one is the baby monster.
Jared: Give it to her, and maybe she won't eat us! Alice: I got a better idea.
Ugh! Catch, bitches! [ Roars .]
[ All screaming .]
Warden: Now, that's what I call an adventure.
Alice: Well, so much for my kingdom.
How the crap are we gonna get home? Warden: I think I have an idea.
Full speed ahead, doctor! Let's go home! [ Whoosh! .]
[ All gasping, groaning .]
[ Crash! .]
Warden: [ Groans .]
We did it.
We made it, Jared.
Jared: Home sweet -- don't you mean my ultra-prison? [ Laughs evilly .]