Swedish Dicks (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

I would like to propose a toast to the absent bride, to the groom, the former Floyd Calhoun.
And now he's gonna marry Eve.
- Yeah, smartest choice.
- [SARAH.]
Choice? What else can he do to keep from getting deported? - [GASPS.]
Have a baby? - There's an idea.
Oh, that's absurd.
I'm not even pregnant.
I like Eve.
I mean, this is a win-win situation for us all.
- Right, Sun? - Yeah, win, win, win.
Huh? You get to stay in country, huh? You get a new wife, huh? And you have tiny little Axels running around, huh? I can tell Eve is very fertile.
- [GULPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
So weird.
- Yeah, totally.
- [INGMAR.]
Okay, to a new beginning.
[ALL.]
New beginnings! Swedish Dicks 2x10 "Till Dicks Do Us Part" Jan 22, 2018 [WOMAN SHRIEKS.]
My lovely daughter! Oh, sweetie! - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, found your way in.
Mm! Oh, Axel, I'm so thrilled! I cannot tell you how long I've wait for this day.
There have been so many beaus, and not a single proposal.
- Mom.
- Oh.
There was one Greg, the musician.
- Didn't he die? - Yes.
Now, listen, just because we've only got a couple of days to plan this doesn't mean we can't do it right.
I've got some of my dead husband's life insurance money left over, and I want you to have it.
Mom, that's Dad we're talking about.
Oh, we couldn't take your dead husband's money.
Axel! Bah, bah, bah! I am not taking no for an answer.
[GIGGLES.]
I'm just so happy! Oh! Mr.
and Mrs.
Axel "Ingstrom.
" - Enstrom.
- Yeah, "I-Insum.
" Insoom.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, that's exactly it.
[GIGGLES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
[TEX.]
You get right the fuck out of here! Alfred the Murderer is getting married? - Oh, his name is Axel.
- I thought it was Floyd.
Well, it's not "Alfred the Murderer.
" Well, it was when he was in here.
And that's kind of how I like to remember him.
- Who's the bride? - Oh, her name is Eve.
- Axel and Eve.
- Interesting girl.
- Sounds almost biblical.
- Almost, yeah.
- I've got to be there.
- What? At the wedding? I gotta play the "Wedding March.
" [SCOFFS.]
How? You can help me, Ingmar.
- What? [CHUCKLES.]
- You can help me, Ingmar.
You can help me, Ingmar.
You can help me, Ingmar.
You can help me, Ingmar.
You can help me, Ingma Tex is coming to play saxophone at my wedding? - Well - This is starting to get real.
Well, the prison has a special program called Inside/Out, which gives inmates with special talents a temporary leave so they can share their skills with the rest of the world.
And Tex asked me to testify on his behalf.
- What'd you tell him? - I told him I would ask you first.
- What do you think? - Oh, what do I think? Mm-hmm.
I think I'm getting married in a couple of days, and, uh, nothing is ready, Ingmar.
So, uh, I think I'm having to make more decisions than I think I can handle.
So, I'm going to leave this one up to you.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- I am you right now, and I just invited an incarcerated murderer to Axel's wedding.
[GULPS.]
The dice are a metaphor.
You're saying having Tex at the wedding is a gamble.
I not saying that.
The dice are.
Honeys, we have got a big job ahead of us.
Puttin' together a wedding by tomorrow? Oh, my goodness.
And it is a good thing you chose me, because anyone else would have turned your big day into an oogie mess.
Mm.
What if we wanted our day to be an oogie mess? Axel.
Oh, no, it's fine.
The groom's just joshin', right? - Right? - Yeah.
Oh, Mylanta, you are gonna be a gorgeous bride! That skin tone with an ivory dress Hold my calls.
Hold my calls! Thank you, but actually I'm just the maid of honor.
She's the bride.
- Hey.
- Oh, my goodness.
Oh, forks and spoons, of course it is.
I am so sorry.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Apollo? Now, my perfect manservant Apollo has pulled some rings for y'all.
- Are you ready? - [EVE.]
Yes.
Well, I am told that this is an exact replica of the ring that Brad Pitt wore when he married Gwyneth.
Mm.
It's pretty nice.
It's a little basic.
Do you have anything with a little more sauce? - Sauce? - Wait! Brad Pitt didn't marry Gwyneth.
Where is my mickey-fickey mind, Apollo? I'm sorry.
Well, we'll take a look at these options.
So, no, no.
- Um, definitely not that one.
- What's wrong with that one? Oh, that looks like somebody took it off a dead cruise director.
No offense.
Uh, okay, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no and no.
Apollo, you're fired.
[GASPS.]
That one.
The blue one.
It's perfect.
- [GASPS.]
- Uh, o-okay.
Can I see it? Sure.
- Havin' a little trouble? - [WOMAN.]
It's okay.
Don't worry.
Apollo, we're gonna need some hand soap.
- Okay? It's in the bathroom.
- 'Cause that's the one I want.
It's right next to the sink.
You know where it is.
I think I speak for all of us on the Inside/Out board when I say that your testimony thus far is as compelling as anything we've ever heard.
- Thank you, Warden.
- And believe me, we've heard things you wouldn't believe.
- Right, Gene? - True, that.
But there's still the small matter of this changed man being a ruthless assassin.
And you want to set him loose.
I'm saying his powers of funk, however formidable, don't negate the clear fact that Tex Johnson is a very dangerous man.
We're not setting him loose, Gene.
You know that.
We are simply giving him a temporary supervised release, which is the Inside/Out program's raison d'etre.
- English, please.
- It's French.
Still have no idea what that means.
It means that Ingmar's loyalty to Tex is also duly noted.
So I would like to ask you, do you think that Tex Johnson wants to be good? No doubt about it.
That'll be all, gentlemen.
That was very impressive, Ingmar.
You can be very persuasive when you want to be.
Yeah.
What do you think? Well, it's a lot to consider.
I want to give you what you want.
Maybe you can give me what I want.
- Like what? - A drink.
You know who I am? Don't you work with Ingmar? [SCOFFS.]
Ingmar works with me.
Quick story.
When I was little, my grandpa told me about this kid he grew up with whose best friend was a tree.
His best friend was a tree? Don't interrupt! As this kid grew up, he would take things from the tree and never give anything back.
The tree just gave and gave and gave.
And the kid just took and took and took.
Until finally, the kid cut down the tree and made a house out of it.
Um, that's from a children's book called The Giving Tree.
- You calling my grandpa liar? - Not at all.
Ingmar got a lot of shit on his mind right now.
- Axel might get deported.
- I thought he was getting married.
Because he might get deported.
Keep up! Axel illegal alien, huh? He is getting married tomorrow so he not get tossed out on his ear.
'Cause that could be the end of the Dicks.
Oh, shit.
That's right.
And still, Ingmar is doing for you, laying his reputation on the line.
That Ingmar, straight-up Giving Tree.
- Ingmar and I are friends.
- You'd better be.
Because I not want any shenanigans.
If you want to bring the funk, then bring it.
But if this some angle you're playing, then this one fucked-up North Korean defector you're gonna wish you never saw! You got that, Tex Johnson? Got it.
This conversation never happened.
Sun out.
The nun didn't have an ID, though.
It was a donkey.
- Ingmar, you are terrible.
- You are terrible! - I am not.
- Yes, you are.
I'm just like any other divorced gal over 40 who runs a men's prison.
I like you.
I like you too, Sharona.
I'm awfully grateful that you put together this board meeting.
I just hope that you Well, you don't have to worry about Tex, not one little bit.
- Thank you.
- Nothin' to worry about at all.
Tonight, right now, it's just us.
- "Justice"? - Just us.
Oh.
I felt something between us from the very day we met.
Yeah? I knew right then and there I wanted to see more of you.
That's what I intend to do tonight.
Check, please? [CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
Uh, not exactly.
I couldn't finish, uh, getting into this thing because, uh, there was no one to help me.
- Oh? Miss Janeane? - She's in the bedroom with Eve.
She's got a total bride crush on her.
- Well, yeah.
- Looks like you didn't do much better.
Here, turn around.
You know, I think what you're doing is really brave.
When we, um, talked about it, I didn't think it was actually gonna happen.
Yeah, well Um, will you? It's easier.
Yeah, well, here we are, right? It is happening.
Yeah, it's it's for sure happening.
And I gotta say I don't know what to think about it.
I know exactly how you feel.
Oh, wait.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Hey, Axel! - Eve! - Wow! Look at that.
- You-You look stunning.
- Amazing.
Did I tell you? Miss Janeane knows these things.
[HUMMING.]
- You like it? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
[POP JAZZ PLAYS.]
Sunny Bunny.
There you are.
Uh, you were scheduled to sit for a portrait ten minutes ago.
I Oh! Copy that.
Here comes the Sun.
They're expecting you in five.
That headset isn't even plugged in.
Do not give me flack today, sister.
I'm doing all of this at the spur of the moment and out of the goodness of my heart.
Look around! The table linens don't match the chargers.
There's a murderer playing a saxophone.
And whose idea were these wedding favors? I mean, seriously, saltwater taffies? That my idea.
Well, the wrappers are gonna get everywhere.
The flowers look nice.
Thank you.
They better stay that way.
I need them in an hour for a funeral.
Alfred.
Alfred the Murderer.
Congratulations, man.
- Thanks, Tex.
- She's a lovely girl.
And maybe someone has told you this, but after six marriages, I know it better than anyone.
Listen.
Oh, no, listen to your wife.
- Oh.
- When she says something, man, listen.
Even when she's not saying something.
- You dig me? - Yeah.
- Hey, Ingmar.
- Hi.
- Nice night with Warden Johnson? - Who told you? Warden Johnson.
Appletinis, eh? Yeah, four of 'em.
Are those saltwater taffies? Come on, fellas.
See you later.
Hey, I just want to say thank you.
I know this is really tough for you.
- Uh, uh, what do you mean? - You know, with Brad and all.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
Really tough.
Hey, so you know, you mentioned at girls' night - that things weren't - Exciting? - Well, you said they were just good.
- I did.
But look at me now.
There is a murderer playing saxophone while I stand in this mausoleum in a wedding dress about to save my future husband from being deported from America! It doesn't get more exciting than that! Well, I just want to make sure you're happy.
I am! I am happy AF! Dear Axel.
This all reminds me so much of my Harold.
You know, when I was a girl, my father had me all set up to marry this boy named Clark.
He was cool.
Trouble was, I had already met and fallen for Harold.
We'd been doing it for a month.
Long story short, I ran away with Harold.
- I defied my family.
- What happened? My dad committed suicide.
But I mean, he had a history of mental illness.
The point is, you're marrying for love.
- Thank you, Gerty.
- Call me "Mom".
[LOU.]
Okay, everyone, let's go, let's go.
There'll be time for moments later.
Gerty, take your seat.
It's marryin' time.
[LOU.]
This way, everyone.
A little more walkie, a little less talkie, huh? Come on.
This way, everyone.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING.]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the memory the marriage of Axel and Eve.
Now, when two lives are joined, it is for only one reason: love and love alone.
You may face each other, my young sparrows.
Evelyn Willow Frink, do you take Axel Magnus Engstrom to be your wedded husband for better or worse, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live? - I do.
- And Axel Magnus Engstrom, do you take Evelyn Willow Frink to be your wedded wife for better or worse from this day forward, as long as you both may live? [GULPS.]
I d-don't.
Uh, no.
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- What? - What? - Wait, what? - You said "I do not.
" - Yeah.
This is usually where people say "I do," muffin.
He speaks Swedish and English.
So his English is off.
Sorry, yeah.
It's not It's just No "not.
" - Oh.
"I do.
" - Just "I do.
" - Try again.
- But-But I don't.
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- Are you kidding? We're not a good match, Eve.
We both know it.
No, we deserve someone we truly want to spend the rest of our lives with.
I'm sorry, Eve.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, everyone.
- Shit.
- It's just, I have to get married today.
"Have to," not "want to.
" Those two little words, they're scrambling my eggs.
Is that I don't know, is that a expression? - No, it's not.
- But do you understand what I mean? [SIGHS.]
Yes, I do.
- [PEOPLE GASP.]
- [EVE.]
I mean, I need someone who is exciting and adventurous and kinky.
It's t It's true.
She does, she does.
Right? At first, you were a deejay.
You were then, like, a detective.
You got shot.
And now, you know, you're-you're cute.
You're just You're so simple, you know? Thank you, Eve.
The person I want to marry is someone I feel really, really close to.
Someone who's actually here.
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- [MAN.]
What? And when we're together, the pieces just fit.
Oh, my God.
I don't know how to say it.
We We just are.
- He's losin' his mind.
- No.
It's about love.
I know this is crazy, but will you marry me? - [CROWD MURMURING.]
- [SUN.]
Shut the fuck up! Yes, I will.
- I will.
- [PEOPLE.]
Aw! I do.
You're definitely my partner from now on.
And hurry up before I change my mind.
This is even more romantic.
I love it.
It's weird, but - Come on.
Let's do this now.
- [AXEL.]
Yeah.
It - What? - No, uh Maestro, please? Music! - Nobody move! - [PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
Where the fuck is he, motherfucker? [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
Well, I'm going to remember this as a learning experience.
We learned that I'm boring.
Yes, yep.
Yep.
And that we don't love each other.
[SUN.]
We also learned next time jailbird ask to play funk at your wedding, say no.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry about all this.
Are we good? We're good.
But I got to go, though.
Oh? I got a date tonight.
- There goes the bride.
- Yeah.
You still have to get married, Axel, or you American history.
Oh, you're right.
Sun? - Will you marry - Fuck you.
[DOOR BUZZES.]
Well, after a very long and intense interrogation, the police have determined that Ingmar is not a suspect in Tex's disappearance.
Oh! Thanks to my lawyer's brilliance and expertise, I am off the hook.
You sure you're okay, Dad? Yeah.
Why wouldn't I be okay? Well, I don't know.
I mean, Tex did kind of hang you out to dry, and now he's gone.
We have time for daddy-daughter talk later, huh? We have wedding to do.
Lou waiting for us.
- Oh.
- I almost forgot.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah.
- Uh, I need to uh - Yeah.
What the hell? Hello, Ingmar.
I'm sorry I broke up your wedding.
I kind of had to leave in a hurry.
You're not goin' back, are you? To jail, or to killing people? You tell me.
No, not going back.
- I told you, I'm a changed man.
- Are you? Because this feels a lot like the last time you played me, my old friend.
Only last time, I didn't come back to thank you.
- Oh, to thank me? - Yes.
I owe a lot to the funk, and to the California penal system.
But mostly, I owe you, pal.
Just for being a friend.
See ya around, Ingmar.
I'm happy for you, and all your success with the Dicks.
Everything's going to work out for Axel.
I know it.
I know it.
It's a green card? It's awkward, isn't it? Being the first one at a party.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Try being the only one at the party after everyone left to go to another party and didn't invite you.
That's awkward.
Hey, Dad said that Tex got you your green card.
That's great.
Yeah, it was either that or get married.
So, did you mean it? Yeah, but now I officially un-mean it.
I mean we could never get married.
It would be Insane.
Because we're friends, right? So Yeah.
If anything, we should probably take a step back.
Totally agree.
A step back is the move.
Okay, guys, we're here! The party can begin.
This the party? I'm missing my practice for this? - You play badminton? - I have a life, you know.
You told me there was gonna be fun people here.
Listen, let's celebrate.
Let's celebrate that we're clear, we're free, we're legit.
No one has to marry anyone.
There's no more Floyd Calhoun.
There's no more Tex.
Just me and my squad and this beautiful, crime-infested city that we call our home.
You did not just call us "squad.
" - I am afraid he did.
- I like it.
- [SUN.]
It's pretty dumb.
- Well, to the Dicks.
- [ALL.]
To the Dicks.
- [CELL PHONE RING TONE.]
Oh, wait.
Hang on.
That's me.
Hello? Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
You must have the wrong number.
Um, my mom passed away when I was little.
[WOMAN.]
No, that's not true.
Ingmar has been lying to you.
[INDISTINCT.]
Mom?