Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e10 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
[bell rings]
- Okay, kids,
let's take our seats
if we're smart enough
to find them,
and that issue
is still in doubt.
- Hey, Mr. B.,
can I say something?
- What is it, Thomas?
- I just wanted to let you know
you're my favorite teacher.
Hearing your voice
each morning,
it's like a sweet melody.
A sweet melody to my ears.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- Are you feeling okay?
- Yes.
- Are you on
some kind of drugs?
- Drugs? No.
I don't do any drugs.
- On some kind of dope?
- Dope?
Nah, I'm giving
my teacher an apple.
- Well, that's very nice.
I wish more of my students
were this appreciative.
- Oh, Mr. B.,
isn't there a recall
on apples right now
for E. coli?
- What's this now?
- Yeah, I heard about that.
- Stop.
- Granny Smith apples.
Three people have died.
- What?
- No.
This one's
just a generic apple.
- Jesus!
This is a Granny Smith.
- Mr. B
[glass shatters]
Enjoy the apple.
It's a nice gesture.
- Your nice gesture
is laced with E. coli.
- That's, like, Abe Lincoln
stuff right there, right?
- Help!
- Mr. B., relax.
- [choking]
- That seems like fake choking.
- Tell the principal
there's been
an assassination attempt.
- Mr. B., make yourself vomit.
- Stop. No, don't vomit.
- [garbled]
I gotta make myself vom--
[gurgling]
- Okay, Mr. B.,
I think you're being
a little dramatic.
- Restrain Tom and call SWAT.
- Yes!
- Don't restrain anybody.
Randy, stop. Randy!
- Don't make this difficult.
- You want me
to put you to sleep?
- Don't do that.
Don't use your wrestling moves.
- But it's not--
it's "juh-jit-suh."
- Stop.
- It'll all go easier
if you stop kicking, Tom.
- Randy. Randy, not the sack.
- Good night, Tom.
- Stop.
- Be
- Please.
- Compliant.
- Listen, Tom,
I know Mr. B. was
just bein' dramatic,
but once he said
"assassination,"
this whole school
becomes a crime scene.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah.
So I had to call
Homeland Security.
- Homeland Security
because I gave him an apple?
[door crashes]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Okay, everybody,
shut the hell up.
You, coffee, now.
- Aw, Jesus!
- It's happening.
- And you
- Yeah?
- I want you against the wall
and I want you spread eagle,
you little son of a bitch,
'cause I'll tell you what,
you have just stepped
into a world of pain.
- Wait, aren't you
the insurance guy?
You were in here
a few weeks ago.
You pointed a gun
at your penis.
- [sighs] Yes.
I was fired from Geico
for various crimes
and obstructions of justice.
- But Homeland Security
took you in.
- Yes. Ironically, they didn't
run a background check.
Now let's talk.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- I literally gave
my teacher an apple.
- I don't give a shit
about the apple.
I ran a routine
background check on you, Tom,
and guess what came up.
- What?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Nothing?
- Who are you with?
- With?
- You a spy? Are you MI? Huh?
- What kind of spy would I be?
I'm an American citizen.
- Well, then how come
I can't find
a birth certificate on you?
- What?
- I can't find
a social security number.
- Excuse me?
- It's like
you don't even exist.
- I obviously exist. I'm Tom.
- All I know is that
until you produce some papers,
you can't go to school
in the state of New Jersey.
- Can I go to school
somewhere else,
like in Delaware
or Connecticut?
- You can do whatever the fuck
you want in Connecticut.
But here in Jersey,
we do things by the code.
- Do you?
You just frisked a little kid
and slapped a grown man.
- Yes. Not a big deal.
- Mom, what are we doing
at a Mexican restaurant?
I've got a crisis here.
- When you asked
about your birth certificate,
I knew this was gonna be
a doozy of a conversation.
- Yeah?
- So I hired this band
to compose
and perform this song
that explains it all.
- Wait, what?
- Come on out, guys.
[Latin guitar music]
- Wait, what's happening?
- Tomas, you were born
in Mexico ♪
- Mexico?
- Inside a hot tub ♪
- Hot tub?
- But your parents ♪
- No, no, no.
- They lost the paperwork ♪
- Stop singing.
- So technically ♪
You're an illegal immigrant ♪
- I'm a what?
- You have ♪
No social security ♪
- Stop the song.
Mom, I think you need
to tell me this yourself.
- That was beautiful.
Thank you, guys.
- Muchas gracias.
- Mom, what's going on
right now?
I was born
in a Mexican hot tub?
- Mm-hmm.
I squeezed you right out
into some hot water.
- You should have mentioned
this sooner.
- Well, it never came up.
- It never came up?
Mom, if I'm not a citizen,
I can't go to school.
- Look, Tom,
I'm gonna take care of it.
I'm a buttoned-up person.
I'm gonna handle this.
- I think we've established
at this point
that you're not buttoned-up.
- Okay. That's fair.
- I assume I have
to pay for this also?
Is that what's happening here?
- If you don't mind.
I left my wallet at home.
Hey, Nelson's dad.
- Sit down.
Make yourself at home.
- We can't afford legal help,
so this is awesome.
- Yeah, this is a big help.
Thanks so much
for taking on my case.
- Oh, I'm not taking it on.
- Wait, what?
- You're not? Who is?
- Ah, I see the clients
are here.
- Oh, no.
Nelson can't be my attorney.
- Listen, I'm doing this
pro bono, so don't complain.
- Pro bono?
Of course it's pro bono.
You're ten.
- I thought this would be
a fun chance for Nelson
to get his feet wet.
- This is a serious case.
I'm being kicked out of school.
- Here's what we know, Tom.
You were born in Cancun.
- Okay.
- God, I look
really cute there.
- You were smuggled out
and dropped over the border.
- Wait, you smuggled me?
- Yeah, I zipped you right in
like Moses.
- And Tom isn't
even your real name.
- Stop.
- I'm sorry to break it to you.
- Wait, my full legal name
is Thomas Jimmy Buffet
Jose Cuervo?
Mom!
- Me and your dad thought
it was a really funny name
at the time.
- How many secrets
are you keeping from me?
- Do you really want me
to answer that?
- Listen, this whole case
is straightforward, okay?
Tom's lived here
his whole life,
so we'll just go to court
and refile the papers.
- Wait, we have to go
to court now?
- Yeah.
- What is happening?
- Here's my invoice.
- Billable hours?
No, I'm not paying you.
I thought this was pro bono.
- Tom, relax.
This meeting took one minute,
so billable hours
are, like, 3 bucks.
- Okay, Mr. Thomas Jimmy Buffet
Jose Cuervo, please rise.
- Dad. [whispers indistinctly]
Object.
- Your Honor,
my client would like to object.
- To what, standing up?
- It's just
a general objection.
He's never objected before,
so this is kind of a big deal.
- Um
- Can I object
to my own lawyer?
- Object.
- Sir, I'm gonna have
to ask you to sit down.
- Tom, I did my best.
- Son, I've reviewed your case.
You have no legal documents,
you failed to fill out
the most basic paperwork
for ten years--
- I thought this was
just a formality.
- I mean, it's not quite
that simple.
- I feel like
you're overthinking it.
- It is my job to think.
I don't see that I have
any other choice.
I'm gonna turn my ear
to Homeland Security and ask,
what does your office
recommend?
- Oh, no, not this guy.
- After great consideration,
Your Honor,
we would like to deport
the son of a bitch.
- Deport?
- I have to concur.
- No, there's gotta be
another way.
Come on.
- Well, there is a path
back to this country.
You've got to go to Mexico,
get the documentation,
come to me,
and I'll be the first
to dismiss this case.
- I literally have to go
to Mexico?
They can't just, like,
Fed-Ex it or--
- Have you been listening?
You're going to Mexico.
- Really a terrible judge.
- That's what we're doing now?
- Really not good
at the job at all.
- We were laughing
before the verdict came down.
Now I'm a terrible judge.
Case dismissed.
- Oh, man.
What are we gonna do now?
- [sighs] Well, kid,
we gotta go to Cancun.
- We gotta go to Cancun?
- We have been given no choice.
We're being forced to do this.
- A forced Cancun excursion.
- This is a forced Canning.
It's what they call it.
[airplane roars]
[dramatic music]
[car door slams]
[tires squeal]
- Thanks for comin' along,
guys.
I appreciate it.
- We both need a vacation.
- That's right.
- And, you know, thanks so much
for treating us.
Really nice.
- Well, I didn't really make
an offer.
I'm just--
- Well, you kind of did.
- You know, if you ever need
any legal help
while you're down here,
say the word.
- No. You've done enough.
- What?
- You know, we're just gonna
get the papers settled
and then let's meet by the pool
and let's try to have fun.
- But if somethin' happen
and you need some legal help,
do the call
[chitters]
Squirrel call and I'm comin'.
- Most attorneys
don't do squirrel calls, but--
- But we the best.
Cancun, baby!
[keyboard clacking]
- Hi.
- Hello.
- I have a small favor to ask.
My son was born here,
and I just need some kind
of, like, signed affidavit--
- Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Is that you?
- Who?
- The crazy hot tub bitch?
- The what?
- Excuse me? Who's that?
- Raúl, lock the doors.
She's finally returned.
- Not the warmest welcome.
- Sorry, is there
some kind of problem?
- Yes. There most certainly is.
We've been looking for you
for ten years.
- What did I do wrong?
- You did a cannonball
into the hot tub
and then delivered a baby.
- Cannonball?
You never mentioned that.
- Your dad urinated
all over the lobby.
- Urinated with his penis?
- Then you stole the sheets
and skipped out without paying.
- You didn't pay?
- Tom, it was a different time.
- A time
when people didn't pay?
- They most certainly paid.
You owe us $10,000.
- Whoa.
- No, we can't pay that.
- There's no way.
- I don't know
what to tell you right now.
You'll have
to work it off, then.
- Oh, no.
- And then maybe--
maybe I can help
with whatever this paperwork is
that you need so desperately.
- All right, I guess, Mom,
if you gotta work,
you gotta work.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I can't put a maniac like her
in front of our guests.
- Oh.
- I was thinking
more like you, little guy.
- Me? Oh, no, no.
- You can work as a cabana boy.
- What do they have to do?
- You get the towels
and you get the chairs
for people.
And then if someone pukes,
guess what?
Little cabana boy,
you mop it up.
- I mop it up.
- You mop up the puke.
- Sounds like an awful job.
- Tom, stop it.
He'll take the job.
- Terrible check-in process.
Really, the whole thing
was unpleasant,
start to finish.
- I'm just havin'
the time of my life.
I'm havin' a blast here.
We should do this more often.
- Cancun, baby, whoo-hoo!
Where's the ice cream at?
[bell tinkles]
- Oh, hey, guys.
Did you order ice cream?
- Wait, what?
What are you wearing?
What kind of bathing suit
is that?
- It's my cabana boy outfit.
I have to work as a cabana boy.
- How did this happen?
- It's a long story.
My dad urinated here
years ago and--
- This ruins the whole trip.
- I know. Tell me about it.
- We supposed to hang out,
play Marco Polo,
snap each other with towels.
- Yeah, I can't do any of that.
I'll be working
a 12-hour shift.
- Shift?
You're working a whole shift?
- Yeah, the whole shift.
- You know what? Fine.
Rub oil on my back.
- No, I'm not rubbing oil
on your back.
- Nah, you wanna work, work.
Rub oil on my back.
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Yes, you are.
- We're forbidden.
We're forbidden.
- Manager!
The cabana boy's
out of control.
- Tom?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no!
What are you doing here?
- This can't be happening.
- Tom? Nelson? Is that you?
- Dakota,
what are you doing here?
- Are you wearing
a cabana boy uniform?
- Yeah, it's a long story.
I was trying
to not get deported
and my dad urinated
in the lobby here.
It's a lot--lot to explain.
Too much.
- None of my business.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
You're just--
- Vacation.
Standard family vacation.
- Excuse me,
are you with these people?
- Oh, yeah. They're with me.
We're all a group.
- Then I'm afraid
you're on the list.
- Hey, that's my drink!
- If you're with this party,
we cannot serve you alcohol.
- I'm not "with" these people.
You know,
I openly dislike Tom--
- And if you want to urinate,
you need an escort
by a staff member.
- An escort?
What pervert came up
with those rules?
- Oh, come on. That's too much.
- Tom, these towels right here
are covered in barf
and I need you to take them
to the towel room.
- Not a fun job at all.
Getting towels and guacamole?
What kind of job is this?
- Tom
- Oh, hey, Dakota's mom.
- Talk to me.
- Okay, everything okay?
- Listen, if I have to spend
a weekend with my husband
with no booze,
I'm gonna blow my brains out.
- Blow your brains out?
- In front of everybody.
- What do you want me to do?
- Well, I would like you
to get me as much booze
as I can get down my throat.
- They have a rule.
They just said the rule.
- Not only do I need booze,
but I know that there's
cartels down here
that have tons of blow.
- I've been working
for five minutes.
I can't do things like that.
- Take my credit card
- No, please.
- And tell 'em I want
lots of booze and blow.
- All right, give me
the credit card.
I'll see what I can do.
If nothing else, I'll get you
some kind of quesadilla
or something.
- Here you go, hon.
- Uh, listen, I'm not sure
how things work here,
but can I get some booze
for one of the guests?
- Pablo, stop.
- Pablo?
- You should know by now
cabana boys aren't allowed
to take drink orders.
- I've literally been working
for three minutes.
- Pablo, come on, stop.
- Why are you calling me Pablo?
- Oh, wow!
You look just like Pablo.
- Really?
- Yes.
Hey, Pablo, get over here.
- Mi hermano?
You've returned.
- Oh, this is the last thing
I need.
[Latin guitar music]
♪
- Tomas ♪
You were born in Mexico ♪
Inside a hot tub ♪
[playing guitar]
- Sorry, guys.
- That's all right.
But your parents ♪
They lost the paperwork ♪
So technically ♪
You're an illegal immigrant ♪
You have
no social security ♪
- So let me get this straight.
We're brothers.
- Sí.
- You're my brother Pablo.
- And then you have
nine other brothers.
- Nine brothers.
- Our dad,
he came down on vacation
and he would sleep
with different masseuse
every time.
- That sounds like him,
actually.
- Hey, Tom, my mom's
getting kind of impat--
what the hell?
- Whoa.
- Oh, hey, guys.
It's my big brother Pablo.
- Hola.
- You look just like Tom,
only much, much better.
- He does look good.
The pants
definitely fit him better.
- You guys seem cool.
Let's party.
- Oh, no, I can't--
no, I gotta work.
I gotta work off
a large hotel debt.
- Tom, we are familia.
Just say the word
if you need the money.
- You can lend me money?
- You come with me,
I'll give you the money.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at the money.
- I mean
- Come with me to the villa.
- Yes.
- I'm down with it. Uh
- No, I can't leave.
I can't just leave the resort.
I'm here with my mom.
- Tom, do you really wanna
keep working as a cabana boy?
Or do you wanna go to a villa
with your brother?
- Uno, dos, tres, go ♪
Get your body
down real low ♪
- Hey, papi.
Mamacita.
- ¿Cómo se llama?
- Tom
- Yeah?
- Are you sure you're brothers?
Pablo seems
much smoother than you.
- I think
we're pretty similar.
- People smile when he talks.
- Nah, people like
my smooth Jersey accent.
- They're--
people are waving back. I see--
- Nah, I think
they're waving at me.
They're saying welcome.
- They're waving at you?
- They're saying,
"Welcome to Mexico."
Hey.
- Nothing.
- I think being born
in a hot tub
messed up your brain.
- Yeah, that can't be good.
- Think about it.
Your mom pushed you out
into a roiling, bubbling bath
of germs
and, I don't know, chlorine.
- Yeah, being born
in a filthy hot tub,
that's not a good way
to start your life.
- Hey, papi!
[acoustic guitar music]
- Por qué mi esposa ♪
Insiste en belittling me ♪
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah?
- What the hell
are you playing?
- Well, it's one
of my wife songs.
"Why Does My Wife Insist
on Belittling Me in Public?"
- That's the title
of the song?
- Wife songs are
a very popular genre
back in New Jersey.
- I can't--
can you just play
some Bob Marley
or "Brown-Eyed Girl"?
- [sighs]
The closest song I have to that
is "Brown-Eyed Wife,"
but the lyrics
aren't nearly as upbeat.
It's all about
how my wife glares at me
with her soulless brown eyes.
- You might need therapy, sir.
- It's not my best.
I'll be honest,
it's not my best.
[Spanish rap music]
- Everybody, listen up.
I'd like to introduce Tom,
the ninth brother.
- Hey.
- Hey, look at this guy, Tom.
- Bienvenidos!
- Oh, thank you.
- When you're here,
you're family.
- [chuckles] Oh, that's nice.
Like the Olive Garden.
- ¿Qué?
- The Olive Garden slogan.
It's funny.
- I don't know what it is
that you are talking about.
- I'm sorry.
Forget I said anything.
- It's a garden? Or a--
- Forget I said anything.
It's great to meet you guys.
- Okay. Forgotten.
- Oh, wow. What a place.
What a family.
All right, Pablo,
why don't we talk money
and get right down to it?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy.
- Take it easy?
- You are putting out
a real high-strung
"New Jersey" energy.
- You said,
"Let's go to the villa.
I'll give you the money."
- The money
is my brother's department.
- Nelson, do you remember
him saying anything
about a brother
handling the finances?
- Nope. Not at all.
- I'm your big brother, right?
- Yeah.
- This is my big brother.
Money brother, come here.
- You call him
the money brother?
- Tom. Listen, my brother.
I wanna talk to you
about something.
- Eh, maybe some other time.
- I'm going to ask you
to relax.
- Feels like we've reached
a strange turning point
in the afternoon.
- Hello?
- Yes?
- Hi, I'm having
a crisis right now.
My husband's over there,
and the thinks he can play
the guitar, but he can't.
So I need some booze,
and I don't know
where my cabana boy is.
He's got my friggin' card.
- Oh, um
- Yeah, where is he?
He's been real slow all day.
It's kind of unacceptable.
- Why are you complaining?
He's your son, lady.
- Yeah, but he's
your cabana boy.
When he's on the clock,
he's your problem, not mine.
- No, but he's your boy.
You should have raised him
to be a little not slow.
- He works for you,
and he's sucking.
- [sighs] You know what?
I'll get the manager.
- Tom, listen, are you familiar
with the phrase,
"mi casa es su casa"?
- No, the only Spanish I know
is guacamole and Ford Fiesta.
- It means this house
is your house too.
- Oh.
- I talked to the brothers
and we want you
to own a piece of it.
- Are you kidding?
You want me to--
you're literally offering me
part of the house?
- Absolutely, Tom.
For two weeks a year.
Just $15,000
plus maintenance fees.
- You have to pay?
Oh, no. We're poor.
That's why Pablo's offering
to give us money.
- We have a saying
in this family.
"No man is poor
if they have a Visa,
"MasterCard, or Capital One
high-yield savings account
with access to a debit card."
- Credit card?
Oh, no, that's not mine.
No. No, that's Dakota's mom's.
- Tom, are you part
of this family?
Or are you
just some random dude
in a cabana boy outfit?
- Tomas. Hermano.
[speaking Spanish]
- All right,
you talked me into it.
Let's do it.
- This is great.
You made the right decision.
Trust me.
- Wow.
- Congratulations.
- You're gonna be
a part of the family now
and you're going to feel
the emotional reward
of having brothers.
- Oh, this is amazing.
What a first day in Mexico.
Nine brothers and I own a home.
- Everybody, run!
The owner came back!
- Owner?
- Run fast!
- Run?
- Don't leave fingerprints!
- Hey, what's happening?
- What is going on?
- Pablo! Pablo!
Hey.
What does "owner" mean
in Spanish?
[bell dinging]
- Yes?
- Hi.
I know you have your policies,
but can I just get one drink?
You know, I can't seem
to find my daughter.
- Yes, absolutely.
Let me call
room service for you.
What room are you in?
- 201.
[keyboard clacking]
The Dorado suite.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, it look--
the card you have on file's
being denied.
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know if you want
to give me another card or--
- No, I'm loaded. I am.
I'm loaded to the gills.
I've got a Range Rover.
I have a golf cart
that I just--
I ride around
in the neighborhood. I have--
- Let me--let me actually call
the card company.
- Please,
I'll give you anything.
I'm telling you,
I wouldn't compromise myself
like this usually,
but I wanna offer you
all of this.
- So they're saying
there's a $15,000 charge
on the card for a time-share.
- What?
- Signed for by a "Tom."
- What are you talking about?
- Sorry for the interruption,
but two cabana boys
have gone missing.
And two random children.
The resort is on lockdown
as we engage in a manhunt.
- Oh, my God, I hope
we don't find that little shit,
because I'm gonna kill him!
[tense music]
- Young man, we've got
some questions for you.
- Me? What did I do?
- Don't play dumb with me.
- I'm not playing dumb.
- Your family is involved
in a time-share scam.
- Oh, no.
- You sneak
into vacation properties
and use them
for sales presentations.
- I'm not the one doing it.
- I didn't ask
if you were doing it.
This is your family, yes?
- Honestly,
he's not clever enough
to scam people.
- He don't have
a face of a scammer;
he has the face
of somebody that gets scammed.
Look at him.
- Oh, please.
Am I supposed to believe
someone would sell
a time-share scam
on their own hermano?
- In my family?
Yeah, my family's not known
for our integrity.
- I don't know
what you're into,
but we're going
to send you back
to wherever you came from.
- Wait, what?
- You two are free to go.
- Thank you.
Bye, Tom. Good luck.
- That's it?
"Bye, Tom. Good luck"?
- What do you want me to say?
Empty words?
Empty promises?
- All right.
Send some help. Send some help.
- I am very sorry for you, Tom.
- Dakota! Come on out, sweetie.
Your mother's becoming
very stressed.
Her voice is like
a thousand daggers
in my ear.
[line rings]
- Hi, you've reached
Nelson's burn phone.
If you can't reach me,
I'm probably somewhere
gettin' deep
into some weird shit.
- Nelson, where are you?
Your burner phone is going
straight to voice mail.
- Come on out, Tom.
Stop ruining Mommy's vacation.
I've been waiting for my towels
for 45 minutes
and my margarita was hot
when I got it.
It's not funny anymore.
- Thank you all for coming.
I'm sure you all got
Tom's mom's group text.
I know, it was insane.
But Tom's gone missing
in Cancun.
[all gasping]
But don't worry.
I have allocated
the vast majority
of next year's budget
to charter a plane
and join the search party.
So we're goin'
to Mexico, everybody.
Who's with me?
- Flying to Mexico?
Jesus Christ, it's a bit much,
isn't it?
- Oh, is it?
The way I look at it,
we have to go, okay?
'Cause Tom's a part
of our family here.
- Uh, I mean,
are there direct flights,
or do we have to, like,
connect somewhere?
- This is a student's life
we're talking about!
He could be dead!
- Honestly, I was 50/50
about even coming tonight, so--
- What is wrong
with you people?
Plus, you're a nurse.
You took a sacred oath
to protect these kids.
- There's no oaths involved.
But okay, if you want
a travel buddy, I'll come.
- Great.
It's just me and the nurse,
so I'm sure
HR won't look into that.
♪
- Okay, kid, I don't know
what you're into,
but we're going
to send you back
to wherever you came from.
- Oh, no.
Aw, please, come on.
[phone rings]
- Hello?
This is Rudy. Go ahead.
- Hi, I've got a ten-year-old
delinquent here named Tom.
- T--the ten-year-old kid?
- Yes. You know him?
- No, no, no.
That's not gonna work for us.
I'm sorry.
- He has fallen
into a little bit
of trouble here,
so you know how we do it.
- Well, I don't care
where you ship him to,
but you do not ship him here.
Do you hear me?
- We are going to flip a coin.
- Wait, what?
What's happening?
- When neither country
wants the person,
we flip a coin and you--
we send you
wherever it lands.
- You're gonna flip a coin
and pick where to send me?
This is really how you do it?
- This is how we do it, Tom.
Quiet.
- Oh, my God.
- United States
is gonna go heads.
- Here we go. And one
- No whammies.
No whammies. No whammies.
- Two, three.
- Oh! [chuckles]
It is tails.
You lose!
- Shit!
- [laughs]
- Now he's laughing.
Now he's in a good mood.
- I hope you enjoyed your stay
in my beautiful country.
- No. I was miserable.
- I am very sorry
to hear that, Tom.
Usually people have so much fun
when they come to Cancun.
Did you swim with the dolphins?
- No, I should have done that.
That would have been
a whole different trip.
- Oh, yes.
[imitates dolphin clicking]
- He's making dolphin sounds
and I'm getting deported.
This is upsetting.
- Okay, guys,
you're on the lookout
for a ten-year-old bassoonist.
His last words were,
"I'm gonna go put
these towels away and
get you guys
some fresh guacamole."
[tires screech]
- Everything is under control.
The principal is here.
- Don't worry.
I'm a school nurse.
I brought Band-Aids and gauze.
- I flew down from New Jersey
as soon as I heard
what happened to Tom.
These kids
are like my very own.
And I will not let
anything bad happen to them.
We'll search for Tom
no matter how long it takes.
Let's--
- Guys, guys, we're okay.
[both sigh]
- Thank God.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- The Lord
has fucking helped us.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where's Tom?
- Uh
Tom?
[doorbell rings]
- Mr. B.,
thank God you're home.
Listen, I've been
through a crazy ordeal.
Can I sleep in your home?
- No.
- Anywhere. Under the sink?
On the couch? In the attic?
- You see, Thomas,
you tried to assassinate me.
- You're still worked up
about that?
- And I don't take kindly
to that.
- No, that SWAT team cleared me
of any wrongdoing.
- Buh-bye.
- "Buh-bye," he says.
Born in a hot tub,
and it's been downhill
ever since.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
And patterns
to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪