The Addams Family (1964) s02e10 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Oh, don't stop, please, it's so soothing.
Darling, I've almost worn out the drill.
Sharpen it up.
Sharpen it up.
Now, dear, too much of a good thing Querida, please, you were just hitting a nerve.
Okay, now, just one more time.
I'm sorry to spoil your fun, but something's wrong with Pugsley.
He hasn't spoken a word since he came home from school.
Maybe he can't think of anything to say.
He's just lying there on his bed of nails, staring up at the ceiling.
Perhaps the poor little tyke is all tuckered out.
But he hasn't eaten anything.
- Pugsley, not eaten? - No! The poor dear looks miserable.
Well, he never was too attractive.
Pugsley, darling, tell your mother what's wrong.
- Would you rather tell your father? - Or your uncle? Oh, dear.
What do we do now? We've run out of relatives.
I'm in love.
Pugsley in love.
Oh, my baby's growing up.
Don't worry, my dear.
Little Casanova is a chip off the old block.
I'll never forget my first crush.
She was a ravishing creature of eight.
But it didn't work out.
First time I kissed her, we locked braces.
Took the dentist two hours to pry us apart.
Good shot, querida.
It's depressing to see Pugsley so sad.
Ruining my game.
See what I mean? I simply can't get Pugsley's problem off my mind.
Sad.
Gomez, please, have you forgotten completely about poor little Pugsley? We must do something to cheer that boy up.
- How about a new toy? - Splendid idea, my dear.
I'll take care of it.
You do that, darling.
You're so sensible and practical.
- Show me the boy who wouldn't like this.
- It's beautiful, darling.
- What is it? - What is it? Look.
Marvelous! Not only constructive, but body-building.
- What? - Not only Not only constructive, but body-building.
Darling, I might have known you'd get a practical gift like this.
May I try? Oh! This is marvelous.
- Pugsley will have a wonderful time.
- Time? What's going on here? - The new toy for Pugsley.
- What? Pugsley's new toy.
Will you shut that thing off? - New toy for Pugsley.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Why? Why? - Why? He's got one already.
Well, in that case, I'll have a nice talk with the boy.
That's a good idea.
Hey, this thing is contagious.
- I'll return this thing.
- No, I'll take it.
Boy, this thing really works! What's the matter, darling, can't you sleep? I know, how about if I read you a nice ghost story? I don't feel like a bedtime story tonight.
Oh? All right, darling, try to get some rest.
Good night.
Pugsley, what on earth are you doing? - I'm writing a letter.
- A letter? - Scented? - Licorice, my favorite.
"And the way you squint your little beady eyes is real keen.
" Pugsley darling, that's no way to write a love letter.
Why? What should I say? Oh, I do wish I had some of the letters your father wrote me when we were courting.
Why, thank you, Thing.
That's very thoughtful.
Now, your father wrote some very fiery letters.
Here's one.
That was a little too fiery.
Let's see.
No, I don't think so.
Perhaps you better write some letters in your own way, dear.
Now, kiss Mother and run to bed.
It's very late.
Good night, darling.
Oh, boy! Dear Teacher "Dear Teacher, this is" One of your students wrote this letter? I've always considered the Addams boy a little strange, but this letter I decided it was a matter for the principal.
What's he doing in the fourth grade? There's no signature? How do you know the Addams boy wrote it? I saw him sneak it on my desk.
Well, you had better see Romeo's folks about this immediately.
I was hoping you'd come with me, Mr.
Jennings.
You're so diplomatic, assured, poised, masculine.
- True, true.
- And I am so bumbling, - helpless, ineffective - True, true.
- Feminine.
- Come, Miss Dunbar.
You'll have to handle this yourself.
And please, Miss Dunbar, try not to make a fool of yourself.
Yes, Mr.
Jennings.
That kid should be writing Peyton Place.
Wonderful sport, Lurch.
It has its ups and downs.
Just like life and love.
That reminds me, - how is Pugsley? - Normal.
Already forgotten his teacher.
That's my Pugsley.
Love them and leave them.
Yes, Mr.
Addams.
Bring me a ladder, Lurch.
Better answer the doorbell first.
Yes, Mr.
Addams.
Pugsley's teacher.
- Ahoy, Miss Dunbar! - There you are.
Yes.
You know me? Of course.
Don't you remember that enchanted evening across the crowded PTA meeting? Never mind the ladder, Lurch.
Alley-oop.
How do you do? Lurch, you can take the trampoline to your room.
Yes, Mr.
Addams.
- Tea, coffee, champagne? - Please, this is not a social visit.
I have a Well, there's a letter I must read to you.
Well, sit right down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Read away.
- Some of this is embarrassing.
- Really? My favorite reading.
Very embarrassing.
- Well, then read the parts that aren't.
- There was one sentence.
"When I first saw you from afar, "my heart flamed with a fierce passion, "and when you spoke French, "ooh-la-la! Ah, your radiant beauty, - "your captivating allure" - "your captivating allure, "drew me to you like honey to a suckle.
" Honey to a suckle? Then you wrote this? I certainly did.
Oh, Mr.
Addams! I don't know what to say.
I've never had an attractive man like you fall in love with me before.
What? In fact, I've never had any man fall in love with me before.
That's why I Mr.
Addams, do you think we dare go through with this? Maybe we should stop before it's too late.
Yes, we must end it.
It's madness.
Let it be madness! What does it matter as long as we have each other? Mr We have a guest, my dear.
I'll have Lurch set an extra place for dinner.
- I think I'd better explain this to my wife.
- I think you better.
So you see, querida, it wasn't my fault.
Besides, she squeezes harder than that boa constrictor I got you for your last birthday.
I can sympathize with her.
I know how irresistible you are.
I guess I'll have to tell her she's making a mistake.
- Darling, you can't do that.
- I can't? Well, of course not.
It would crush her, darling.
Two rejections in one day.
- Two? - First Pugsley, and then you.
Cara, you're such an understanding woman.
It would be cruel to hurt her.
You must act the part of a great lover.
But if I lead her on, she'll have to know the truth eventually.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
" - Lincoln? - Jefferson.
I'll even play the jealous wife, give it a touch of realism.
Morticia, you're all woman.
Yes, I know.
For you, I'll do it.
I can't.
Querida, I can't even look at another woman.
Darling, you're doing it for me.
For you.
Oh, darling, say it with flowers.
And, Gomez, now, I know how you get carried away, so when I say "stop," stop.
For you, Morticia.
Miss Dunbar, my treasure.
Mr.
Addams, I've been thinking about us.
- I'm afraid we're making a mistake.
- A mistake? - Did Samson and Delilah make a mistake? - Yes.
Did Antony and Cleopatra make a mistake? - Yes.
- Did Romeo and Juliet make a mistake? - Yes.
- Well, everyone's entitled to one mistake.
- You're my only passion! - Mr.
Addams.
Mr Let's fly away together, to the Black Forest.
- But what about your wife? - She's been there.
A Black Forest summer, winter, autumn, spring - Fester, can't you see I'm busy? - Gomez, how could you? It's easy.
Watch.
I don't know about you, but I come from a long line of stool pigeons.
Morticia! Morticia, I don't know how to tell you this, but your husband's a fake.
My husband, Gomez? You got another? He's playing footsies with another woman.
And when I say footsies, I don't mean footsies.
Dear noble Gomez.
- Noble? - He's just pretending, Uncle Fester.
Pretending? Then why is he drooling so much? He has to be convincing.
He sure convinced me.
Having that woman laying down in his arms like that, with her hair straggling down all over her shoulders and her eyes afire and her cheeks aflame - You saw all that? - Yeah, and I only caught a glance.
I do believe dear Gomez has built up that woman's ego sufficiently.
- Uncle Fester, you better go tell him.
- Don't worry, I know what to tell him.
Oh, Uncle Fester, now, do be discreet.
We don't want to offend Miss Dunbar.
Just tell Gomez I said, "Don't.
Stop.
" - "Don't.
Stop.
" - He'll understand.
You know me.
Old dependable.
I just adore finger-painting.
- But, Mr.
Addams, your wife.
- What wife? Nobody must be allowed to intrude on our ecstasy.
I can't look.
Gomez, I've always loved you as a nephew.
Why not? I'm your uncle.
But you're not yourself, Gomez.
I can tell just by touching you.
Suddenly you're hard and cold.
But if you won't listen to me, perhaps you will listen to Morticia.
I should have put out the "don't disturb" sign.
There you are.
Sorry.
The Black Forest is indescribable.
Let me tell you about it.
- Morticia says, "Don't stop.
" - Don't stop? Thanks.
What was I saying before we were interrupted? Oh, yes.
I was saying that nobody must be allowed to interrupt.
Morticia! - Morticia, we've lost him.
- He didn't stop? - Didn't even break stride.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, here, Uncle Fester, finish this for me.
- Mr.
Addams - Hush, my darling.
Ivy-covered cottage beside a lovely swamp.
- But, Mr.
Addams - Hush, my darling.
We can find our own little secluded hideaway, far from everyone, where the magic stillness of the night is broken only by the merry buzzing of the tsetse fly.
- But, Mr.
Addams - Yes, my darling.
- What is it? - You're breaking my back.
- Gomez.
- Excuse me.
- Well, what do you think? - I think it's dreadful.
Well, I was doing a lot better until her back gave out.
- I'll show you what I mean.
- Gomez, what's gotten into you? - You're acting disgracefully.
- I am? Yes, you are.
It's as though you don't care at all.
- It's as bad as that? - It most certainly is! - Lf you'd only make some effort - Just watch me.
I'll show you what the man you married is really like.
Oh, what have I done? Our wonderful life together, our magical moments, gone, broken, smashed to bits.
Pardon me.
Good God, Morticia, what a performance! Worthy of a Sarah Bernhardt, a Greta Garbo, a Mamie Van Doren.
Oh, Gomez, why? Why? Why? Why not? Why not? Why not? How was that? Oh, but enough of this small talk! My heart belongs to what's-her-name! Please, Gomez, please, dear, think of all of our happy moments together.
A sham! Where were we? - Mr.
Addams - Hush, my darling.
Can't you see it's all over between us? Gomez, I'm leaving this house and taking the children with me.
Go ahead and leave! - Mr.
Addams - Hush, my darling.
Take the children.
Take the neighbors' children.
Take Uncle Fester.
Take Mama.
- She's your mama.
- Very well, we'll share custody.
But I get full custody of Lurch.
Mr.
Addams.
There you are.
Mr.
Addams, will you please pick me up? Yes, of course.
It will be you and me.
Mr.
Jennings.
Miss Dunbar.
Sir, if you're a jealous husband or boyfriend, the whole thing was a mistake.
- An April fool joke.
- An April fool joke in October? I like to get an early start.
- My glasses.
Where are my glasses? - Where did you drop them, Miss Dunbar? - I didn't drop them, they just flew off.
- Flew Why, Isobel, you have beautiful eyes.
Sir, you are leading this poor, lovesick girl on, and I just want to say, good luck.
Querida, I was just carrying out your instructions.
But I pleaded with you to stop.
I thought you were acting.
Believe me, cara mia, when you spoke to me in French, it was all I could do to restrain myself.
What was it you said? Speak some more French.
- Anything! - Hush, my darling.
Oh, my poor darling one, it must have been torture for you, making love to that strange woman all the time, while you were longing for me, and I made you do it.
Oh, can you ever forgive me, darling, can you? - Yes, if you get me a pulmotor.
- Of course, dear, for Christmas.
- But I - Hush, my darling.
Oh, dear.
I ruined your newspaper.
Think nothing of it.
It's last week's.
That's very sensible, dear.
I understand they're much cheaper.
Much.
Oh, the mail is in.
Thank you, Thing.
Oh, it's from dear Miss Dunbar.
Did she get over me? - Completely.
- She did? - Pugsley, where are you going? - To mail a letter.
- Oh, to who? - My new teacher.
I hope this one isn't as fickle.