The Carmichael Show (2015) s02e10 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
(exclaims) Thank you for that French toast, Mama.
Freedom toast, Bobby.
(chuckles) Joe, when are you gonna let that go? There's nothing more American than holding onto a grudge.
Look, either way, it was a powerful breakfast, because I was powerful hungry.
You know, that's how Huck Finn a-a-and Tom Sawyer used to talk.
It was "powerful" this, "powerful" that.
You know, I'm reading the classics now.
Bobby, you were supposed to read those books while yowere in school.
Oh, but I was supposed to read them in summer school, too, but here we are.
Hey.
Hey, y'all.
Sorry we're late.
Yeah, you guys are not gonna believe what happened.
So, we were getting ready to leave, and Jerrod's car had a flat tire Well, so far, that is very believable, Maxine.
and Jerrod said that he didn't want to be bothered with changing it so I said, "I'll change it," and you know what he did? He laughed in my face.
Maxine, I told you, I only laughed 'cause I found it really, really funny.
It is funny! That's funny, right? (laughing): Yeah, Maxine, Danica Patrick doesn't even change her own tires.
Why is the notion of me changing a tire so absurd? Come on, Maxine, don't make us say it out loud.
Say what? (groans) Ah, it feels like a trap.
Yeah, that's not something you want to say out loud.
You know, that's like all the thoughts that go through your mind when you're talking to a little person.
Yeah.
Am I missing something? They're saying a woman shouldn't change a tire.
- Yup, that's it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty much what we're saying, yeah, yeah.
Maxine, why did you make me say that sexist thing out loud? It don't feel good.
Yeah, Maxine, it's 2016.
How dare you make my mama say something like that.
Just not cool.
Yeah, it's 2016, Bobby, men and women should be treated equally.
Do men and women really want to be treated equally? Okay, now, there's this guy at work, we call him Big Mike.
Now there's a woman at work who's even bigger than Mike, and one day I called her Big Sherry, almost lost my damn job.
See, you get around women, you got to be delicate.
Wow, I can't believe how you guys are sounding, especially you, Jerrod, because you don't believe that women are delicate flowers who are supposed to be kept in their place.
Yeah, well, it sounds horrible when you say it like that.
Now had you said that men are better suited at certain tasks than women, I would have given you one of these.
What? You know, some people would say not letting a woman fix a tire is chivalrous.
And I'm one of those people.
The sexiest thing a man can do for me is to tell me to sit down.
Yeah, okay, but there is a difference between chivalry and sexism.
Yeah, but it's hard to see that difference, Maxine.
Chivalry and sexism are, like, Olsen twins similar.
I can't believe how crazy this sounds.
I mean, you're making it sound like we live in the '50s where all the woman does is cook and clean while the man just sits there and rubs his stomach.
(scoffs) Is this what déjà vu is? Look, Maxine, I'm just saying that we kind of have our own roles.
Like, when's the last time you took out the garbage? You don't do that 'cause you're a man, you do that 'cause it's what you like to do.
Yeah, I'm not complaining, but it's just what we do.
I take out the garbage and then you do the laundry.
Yes, I do the laundry, but I only do it because if you did it you would mix all the colors together, and you'd shrink everything in the dryer.
Of course, I don't like reading those little tags, and plus I don't believe in segregation of any kind.
Well, I don't cook.
I know you don't cook.
I mean, wouldn't be mad at you if you did, though.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, is that asking for too much? I'm just saying, look, Maxine, we have different roles.
I mean, w-who-who's the one that always loads the dishwasher? Because you never rinse the dishes first.
What's the point of having a dishwasher if you've got to rinse off the dishes?! We have a system that works, all right? I like it, you like it, what's the problem? I don't like being told a woman's place, Jerrod, and for the record, the men in this family aren't particularly manly at all.
Why, I never.
Oh, come on, Joe.
Look, your favorite actor is Sandra Bullock, and, Bobby, you cry more than any woman I have ever met in my life.
Well, look here, Maxine, if you're trying to make me cry, it's too late.
I cried a bunch of tears this morning.
Yeah, and, Jerrod, you have the arms of a person who's been battling a heroin addiction for the last ten years.
- Now that is not true.
- Thank you.
A heroin addict has veins and definition.
If anything, my son has the arms of a snowman.
No, no, Mama, I don't-I don't about that.
I mean, I've seen snowmen with some big branches on them.
Maxine, who you think built this roof over your head? - Me and my sons.
- JERROD: That's right.
You reshingled half the roof about ten years ago, so I don't know what you're bragging about.
Now, Mama, that was the hottest summer on record.
You wanted us to die up there? Yeah, see, Cynthia, they're not as manly as they claim.
I'm not taking sides.
I'm just saying I want my roof finished.
Well, you know what, Ma, maybe today is the day that we finish the roof.
(laughs) Oh, you're gonna you're gonna fix the roof? Yes, yes, I'm gonna fix the roof, Maxine.
It's a man's job.
Let's not be so civil that we deny reality.
There are men's jobs.
Let me ask you a question.
If you're walking down the street, you saw a building being built by an all female construction crew, would you go in that building? Of course.
That's a stupid question.
Please.
There's no way you're gonna risk your life for feminism, Maxine.
JOE: That settles it.
The Carmichael men are gonna finish the roof! - Yes.
- Ooh, a battle of the sexes.
That's right, Mama, we're about to give you broads the business.
Bobby! Sorry about that.
I just love challenges.
Not only are we gonna fix the roof, but we'll do so before you can have a chance to change that flat tire.
Oh, so you're allowing me to fix the tire now? Maxine, not only am I allowing you to fix the time, I'm timing it.
Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong! Come on, "on like Donkey Kong"? You're gonna embarrass me in front of my mama like that? Come on, Cynthia, we can do this.
"It's on like Donkey Kong"? What the hell was that, Maxine? I got caught up in the moment.
Let's move past it.
Look, I need a ride, 'cause we Ubered here.
Mm-mm, I just sat down I ain't gettin' up.
Come on, Cynthia.
We need to prove to these men that women can do anything men can do.
Pass.
I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Well, why didn't you say so? Wasting time with all this feminist jargon! Show me the money! Oh, "on like Donkey Kong" is bad, but "show me the money" is okay? No.
I'm not quoting anybody.
I mean, actually show me the money.
This is a great day to stand on the roof.
Day like this makes me want to grab one of you boys, hold you up, and show you off to the neighborhood like Simba.
Guess it's pretty obvious which one of you'd be Simba.
Yep.
Thank you, Daddy.
(chuckles) Yeah, you do feel pretty powerful up he Oh! Spider web.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You feel real powerful up here.
You know, just make you want to (yelling) All right, before you do any repair job, it's important that you got the proper equipment.
Failure to do so can and will get both of y'all killed.
So let's do a checklist.
Hammer! - Yeah.
- Check.
- Nails! - Yeah.
- Check.
That's the end of the checklist.
Wait, a hammer? How come we can't use a nail gun? That seems way faster.
Well, I'm not letting you two idiots mess with a nail gun.
You can't even work a stapler without winding up in the E.
R.
BOBBY: Look Daddy, they tell you not to look down a barrel of a gun, but nobody ever says it about staplers! All right, now, look, we got to rip off all these shingles here on this side - before we put down the new ones.
- Wait, wait, we can't just put the new ones over the old ones? I tried that, Bobby it don't work.
All right, I'm with y'all in a second.
Let me take these shoes off I don't want to get them dirty.
You can't be barefoot on a construction site.
Dad, did you see these? They're limited.
Are they more limited than your feet? Oh.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Come here, come here.
Is that a naked woman over there? Ooh.
Where? There, two houses down.
Didn't we go to high school with her? I don't know.
I need her to flip over.
(chuckles): Oh, yeah, we went to high school with her.
Yeah.
All right, let's enjoy this father-son moment, gaze at this butt-naked sunbather.
Then we'll get right back to work.
This is nice.
All right, who wants to bang some nails? (car alarm beeps) We are independent women doing it for ourselves.
Calm down.
All you did was pop a trunk.
Listen, I'm all for female solidarity.
If you want to call Triple A and have a man come - and fix this tire, I won't tell.
- No, Cynthia, the whole point of feminism is that we can do it ourselves.
We are equals.
We are women.
Hear us roar! Don't you get tired of being you? Isn't it exhausting just always trying to make a point? Always trying to prove things? Don't you want to just bake cookies sometimes? No.
I'm terrible at baking cookies.
Yeah, I know that.
I've tasted your cookies.
Well, maybe society shouldn't force me to bake them, just because of my X chromosomes.
Listen, don't blame your DNA for your bad cookies.
Look, Cynthia, it is not about the cookies.
It is about proving to Jerrod that there are no such things as man jobs and woman jobs.
There are just jobs.
We can do anything they can do, and vice versa.
That is not true, Maxine.
Men can't have babies, and women don't get prostate cancer.
Prostate cancer's not a job.
Well, it looks like a lot of work to me.
Like what you're doing with this tire.
You know something? You turning red.
You're already two colors, now you're adding a third.
(groans) No, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You, uh, you need some help over there? Why? Because I'm a woman you think I can't change this tire? No, I was just trying to be neighborly.
Keep walking, oppressor.
Careful, son.
Take pride in what you do.
No time for pride, Dad.
I got to embarrass my girlfriend.
Why-why are there are so many shingles on this thing? How come they-they can't make just one big shingle? Ooh, man.
Bobby's having a head rush.
Altitude.
Jerrod, I don't care about your contest.
I care about this roof.
You do realize this roof is our last line of defense from all the dangers in the sky, like nuclear weapons, seagulls, rain, heavy rain, downpours.
Okay, you ran out of things, didn't you? No, I didn't.
Aggressive squirrels.
Dad, this is taking way too long.
What if Maxine actually changes that tire? And then what if there's like this Clinton-esque shift in power in our relationship.
I can't be the Good Wife.
Jerrod, are you trying to dig through to the living room? 'Cause the way you're moving, that's the only logical conclusion I can jump to.
Dad, just stop.
Let me get it.
No, just wait, wait, Jerrod, Jerrod.
No, no, oh ow! Oh, man, I didn't shove you that hard.
I-I stepped on a nail.
Well, I hope your tetanus shot's up to date.
Move your mouth like this so you won't get lockjaw.
(grunting) Come on.
I cannot let Jerrod win, 'cause I will never hear the end of it.
With all that yoga you've been talking about, I thought you had more upper body strength.
(sighs) God.
What if we were on the side of the road somewhere, and no one was around to help us? I wouldn't be there.
If it was a road trip with just you and me, I'd stay home.
Can you at least help me? No, because this is crazy.
Wasting a whole day watching you try to prove something you don't even need to prove.
It's not even worth a hundred dollars.
I mean, I'm gonna keep it, though.
What is this about, Maxine? You think Jerrod wants a-a girlfriend who can change a tire? I don't care what kind of girlfriend Jerrod wants.
Well, then, Maxine, what is this for? The world doesn't care if you can't change a tire.
And I know that you don't have to change a tire before you go in to one of them feminist bra-burning meetings of yours.
(groans) It's because no one ever takes me seriously! Did you just stomp your foot? Well, that was adorable.
Ugh, God.
See? Everyone just thinks that I'm cute and I'm nice.
No one's scared of me.
No one thinks I'm a formidable opponent.
Any time I try to do anything that requires any sort of strength, a man thinks that I need his help, but I don't.
Maxine.
I do not think you are helpless.
In fact, I think you are one of the most bull-headed, aggravating people I have ever met.
When you find a bone to pick, you just won't let it go.
And even when you win the argument, you're still just picking at it.
Really? Thank you, Cynthia.
That is not a compliment.
You should be offended by what I just said to you, and honestly, I think this is what's going to break up you and my son.
What? My belief that a woman can be more than a wife and a mother? Oh, well, excuse me, Ms.
28-year-old, "I think I can change a tire to prove I'm equal.
" True feminism is when a woman knows where she wants to be in the world.
Now, if you want to join the Army, and get trench foot, you go for it.
But if I want to be in my kitchen, baking cookies for my family, then you can't say boo to me, because I have burned bigger bras than you will ever wear.
My boobs are bigger than you think! That wasn't meant for you.
Ah, Dad, this really hurts.
Who steps on a nail, Jerrod? You know how many nails I got in my body? None.
'Cause I got gravy and Wendy's double stacks pushing back against them.
Now, Dad, I don't want to kick Jerrod when he's down, but I just want to make the point, that Bobby Carmichael didn't step on any nails today.
I got one son drinking juice out of a pouch, and another son whining about this little nail in his foot.
I-I don't even know what I'm doing here.
A-actually, you know what? It's all your fault.
You raised us to be men for a world that doesn't exist anymore.
Jerrod, a man is a man in whatever world.
No, Dad.
You know you taught us how to, like, re-shingle roofs, and change tires, and check out other women while our wives don't notice, but you basically showed us how to be the greatest men of 1972, but that's not the point anymore, you know.
I-it's not what defines you as a man strength and fixing things.
Yeah, that's right, Dad.
Women don't care about muscles and tool belts no more.
Look, I got a friend named Clayton, right.
He's frail and he play the ukulele.
This dude has banged more women than Wilt Chamberlin.
Yeah, that's true, Dad.
Like, when you were a kid, if you saw a dude with, like, a thick beard, and a flannel shirt, you'd think he was a lumberjack.
Now that dude sells organic juice, and he doesn't climax until he's sure his girlfriend has.
Why would he do that? Daddy, 'cause it's all mixed up, man.
Like, for instance, I went on a date, right.
And this girl just wanted me to be a man in public, you know.
She had me opening doors, and buying dinner.
And then when we got home, she took control.
Yeah, she did things to me in bed, I've been trying to block out of my head for years.
Son? Never block out your sex memories.
You're going to need them one day.
You know, I just got to accept I'm not a man in the traditional way you're supposed to be a man.
I'm the type of man who needs a man around the house.
The other day, I was trying to make dinner, and I couldn't open a jar, you know.
You know what I did? I ate something else.
- You ate something else? - Yeah.
Son, you got to break the jar.
- Eat glass if you have to.
- No.
No, Dad.
I'm not that type of guy, you know.
And I'm not dating that type of girl.
I'm in love with a woman that wanted to change a tire, and I stopped her, because I was afraid of what you would think, and what Mom would think.
But I can't think of one good reason why she shouldn't change that tire.
Well, I can.
You know, what if she slips and-and falls, and cuts her face on the tire iron? Now you're dating Seal.
You want to date Seal, Jerrod, huh? I didn't think so.
So you mean, seriously, you're going to sit there, and watch your girlfriend change the tire? No, no, no.
I wouldn't watch her do it.
I'd go in the house and watch Property Brothers.
Uh, let me ask you something, son.
Did I fail you, or did you fail yourself? No, Dad.
No one failed anyone.
I just don't want to be told what to do as a man, and I can't tell my girlfriend what to do as a woman.
Well, I guess I have to accept you as a gender-neutral, 21st century creature that you are.
Okay, no one said anything about gender-neutral.
I'm just evolved.
No.
You can use any restroom that you feel fits you.
Matter of fact, I'm not even going to call you "he" or "she", from here on out, I'm going to call you "Thou".
All right, no one's transgender, Dad.
I just don't want to fix this roof.
Well, Thou can do whatever Thou wants to do.
Daddy, that was beautiful.
- Thank you, son.
- No, no, stop.
I'm going to go down here.
I'm going to call a roofer.
Well, I hope it's not going to be a woman roofer.
I don't mean to be sexist, but if the police find a woman on my roof, they're going to think she escaped from the basement after 20 years of imprisonment.
(sighs) Hey.
Ha.
I did it.
Screw you, Jerrod.
Oh, roses.
Maxine, I'm not a roofer.
So you guys didn't finish? Nah.
Not even close.
In fact, I think it's worse than when we started.
But you're right, Maxine.
You can do anything that I can do.
Thank you.
But I-I mean that.
Like, from now on, you're going to do all the things that I do.
You're going to change all the tires, you're going to take out the garbage, you're going to kill all the bugs, uh, I think that's pretty much the end of the list.
Yeah, you don't do a lot.
I know.
I should do more, but Hey, what happened here? Oh, uh, yeah, I slipped on the tire iron, and scratched myself.
Oh, my God, Bobby was right.
Let me see your face.
Whew.
God, we dodged the Seal bullet.
What what is a Seal bullet? That's where a bullet hits your face, and you end up looking like Seal.
- Why is there so much junk up here? - Oh, no, Maxine, I went through a phase where I thought I could throw things over the house I couldn't.
JOE: Said it once and I will say it again, it's fun being up on the roof, if you're not waiting for FEMA.
Well, me and Maxine, we couldn't have done a better job.
You should have seen the way we changed that tire.
Oh, we changed that tire? Oh! Look! Is that a naked girl over there? Where? (calling): Denise! We can see you, girl.
Put some clothes on! No, don't stand! Squatting is worse!