The Conners (2018) s02e10 Episode Script

1 Dinner's ready! Last one in washes the dishes! Looks like it's Mark! Okay, okay, before we eat, tomorrow's Sunday, and I want everybody dressed appropriately so we can pay our respects to the one thing that helps us make sense of this world and gives us the strength to make it through another week.
- Amen.
- Amen.
We're going to church? Come on! Harris! On a Sunday? We're watching the Bears-Packers game! But it is like church, because when the Bears are collapsing at the end of the game, we ask the Almighty for a swift and merciful end.
And win or lose, we stick with the Bears.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- Total commitment.
Because if you're not a true fan Oh, man! My Patriots receiver is out for tomorrow.
That could cost me.
Are you gambling? Yep.
Fantasy football.
Taking money from a bunch of suckers.
Oh, so it's like a megachurch.
No fantasy football tomorrow, Jackie.
We're only rooting for the Bears.
No distractions.
Hey, can we eat already? I only came over here to steal food and do laundry.
I don't need all this jibber-jabber.
Eh, eh, eh, eh! That's not dinner.
That's for the game tomorrow.
The SpaghettiOs on the stove that's dinner.
Ugh.
These aren't even real SpaghettiOs.
They're Pisghetti Joe's.
Come on, Mark, help me get this food out to the garage.
- [GROANS.]
- I hate football.
Do I really have to come tomorrow? It's important.
I'm even bringing this guy I've been seeing.
Ohhhh! So, you checked the traps lately, and you caught one.
Hey, hey.
Not cool.
Does his wife know he's coming over? This is why you haven't met Wyatt yet.
- Wyatt! - Ohhh! - Wyatt! - Well! Wait, wait.
What about Emilio? We've been talking about it.
He doesn't think he can get back in the country, so we both decided we should start dating.
So, where'd you meet this guy? We went out once back when I was drinking.
I threw up in the clown's mouth at Putt-Putt.
But Wyatt was so sweet.
I got a text the next morning that said, "Had a fun time.
You're a blackout drunk.
Get help.
" Aww.
I bumped into him about a month ago with Beverly Rose.
He saw that I'm sober and even hotter now, and we've been dating ever since.
Ohh! Good for you.
[JACKIE CHUCKLES.]
Okay, what's wrong with him? Nothing.
He treat me great, he loves Beverly Rose, his mom and I DM on Instagram all the time, and when the check comes, he doesn't run.
Darlene he tips.
He tips? He must be a millionaire.
No.
He's manager of Miracle Ear at the mall.
So he's a really good listener.
Uh, hold it.
I know the problem.
The sex is terrible, right? We haven't done it.
He knows I'm not ready yet because sober sex is gonna be a whole thing.
You gotta look at each other in the eye.
You gotta worry about their feelings.
I don't have the bandwidth for that.
It's terrifying.
Don't worry.
The sex will happen.
It wasn't the alcohol that made you loose and indiscriminate.
That's all you.
Thanks.
That's what I thought, too.
"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Good morning, sunshine.
[GROANS.]
Come on.
- It's time to get up.
- Oh, 20 more minutes.
You moved back to Lanford so we could start this paper.
You've been in bed for a week.
[GRUNTS.]
It's nice in here.
Come snuggle.
Ew! You need a shower.
- I don't wanna! - Why not? Because I am planning on taking a shower, but once I'm done, I have nothing else planned.
I'm not ready to face an uncertain post-shower life.
No.
It's not uncertain.
Guess what I got a loan broker to meet us this afternoon to get funding for our new magazine.
No.
Today doesn't work for me.
It's my shower day.
Look, I know you've been in a funk since we got fired, but we don't have any money coming in.
I'm broke.
You've seen my underwear.
It's not lace.
It's just got that many holes in it.
[SIGHS.]
I just don't think I can get out of bed.
I can help.
- Get out of bed! - Aah! Hey, hey! Now that leg's too long.
Do the other one.
[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV.]
If we have to watch this game, can't we at least get a new TV? There are so many dead pixels.
It's like we're watching through a chainlink fence.
Yes, run, you bastard! Jackie, I told you.
No fantasy football.
- Lose the earbuds.
- Okay! She's got wired ones in her back pocket.
Oh, for God's sake! How?! How can you drop that?! Come on! They pay you to catch the football! Are you seeing this, Mark? I'm sorry, what? I was looking at a bird outside.
A bird? This is the Bears-Packers game! You gotta focus.
Okay, I have something to tell you, Grandpa, - and I hope you'll still love me afterward.
- Yeah.
I don't care about football.
[GASPS.]
Give me a minute, pal.
I do still love you, but everything's different now.
I understand this gay thing, but this is a choice.
I've been pretending to like it, but I just don't get why this is so important.
Because when you're a Conner, you're not just part of this family, you're part of the Bears family.
It's It's about tradition.
I learned the game from my grandpa, and the first time he took me to watch Gale Sayers play one of the best days of my life.
And he bought me a hat.
And now I'm giving it to you.
I would've liked that hat.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Look at you! Now say, "Let's go, D!" Let's go, D! Now look extremely disappointed.
[SIGHS.]
Now you're a Bears fan.
Next thing you need to know we hate the Packers.
Why? Because the Midwest ain't big enough for both of us.
- But it's pretty big, Grandpa - Just hate, would ya? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
That's probably Wyatt.
Everybody, please go easy on him.
[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV.]
You didn't tell me you were a Packers fan! Well, I'm not rabid about it.
I just thought the cheesehead would be funny, like I'm one of those nuts who puts on all the gear.
It is funny.
Let's put it in the car.
Aw, come on.
I'm not gonna offend anybody with this.
I wear it all the time when I hang out with Bears fans.
Those aren't Bears fans.
These are Bears fans.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
H-Hey, everybody.
This is Wyatt.
Run, man.
Run.
Excuse me? Oh, no, sorry.
I'm watching another game.
Fantasy football.
I am so sorry.
I didn't realize how seriously you guys took your football.
It's okay.
We were just surprised to see those colors.
Hey, Wyatt brought some things in a bag.
What you got in there, Wyatt? Oh.
Just some treats I thought everyone might enjoy.
This is a special trail mix I make myself.
I throw in dried mango.
I know.
Crazy, right? Adds a zing, and it's just instant energy.
Congratulations, son.
Two things that have never been in this house a Packers fan and mango.
What else you got in there? Well, I also brought some beer.
O'Doul's for Becky.
Isn't that thoughtful? And regular beer for everyone else.
Cool.
Dad, you like beer.
Wow.
I do.
It's like we're the same person.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
This is just Packer-phobia.
We should give you the benefit of the doubt.
- Thank you for the beer.
- Yeah.
Uh, it's a small batch organic IPA.
I'll have an IPA.
You know what that stands for, don't you? Uh, India Pale Ale.
I was gonna say "I Pee A-lot when I drink beer.
" [LAUGHS.]
Here's a little factoid.
I know Chicago loves its Bears, but did you know the Packers are actually owned by the people of Wisconsin? That's not football, son.
That's Communism.
- [CHEERING.]
- Take the football! What a great hit! Oh, yeah! He's done having kids! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh.
Wow.
Maybe I'm mistaken, but it sure seems like you guys are celebrating because a player got hurt.
It certainly looks that way.
Shame! Oh, Wyatt, if that was a Bear limping off the field, you'd be celebrating.
I wouldn't.
Because, as a Christian, I don't wish harm to anyone.
The Crusades that was you guys, right? Oh! You want a little cream for that burn, Wyatt? Mark, watch this replay.
Now, see how we used play action to freeze that linebacker? - Does that always work? - Sure, because Packers are inherently dumber than Bears.
- Aunt Jackie! - [LAUGHS.]
That's okay.
I can take it.
Oh, I'm surprised you understood it.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHEERING.]
- Yes! - [LAUGHS.]
We win! Great game! It's only the first quarter, but good energy! Yeah! - Oh! - Eat it, Cheesehead! Hey! Wyatt is a guest.
I understand the jealousy.
The Bears have won one Super Bowl, the Packers have won four.
The trophy is called the Lombardi Trophy, which, did I mention, we've won four times? Ah, you got me there, Wyatt.
[GROANS.]
Did I mention that you're an udder-sucking, Rodgers-loving, cow-tipping dairy-dork loser?! Mary called it! [LAUGHS.]
Again, thanks for coming in on a Sunday.
I'm sure Ben'll find a parking spot and be in here any minute.
I know we all want to get home and watch the Bears game with our families.
I always watch with my family.
It's a tradition.
But this is fun, too.
[SIGHS.]
Sorry.
I put $2 in the meter, and then I realized it's Sunday.
Everything I touch turns to crap.
As you can see, we've expanded on the Lock 'Em Up model.
We have a new section that exposes local companies who are doing sketchy stuff.
That sounds interesting.
I bought an accordion once that came apart in my hands.
[CHUCKLES.]
You give us a name, we'll go get 'em.
Uh, right.
We're gonna get 'em.
We're gonna go after all the accordion guys.
I do have one question.
The magazine business as a whole seems like it's on the decline.
Are you ready to buck that trend? Sure.
Sounds pretty hard, though, doesn't it? What What Ben is trying to say is that we have a very well-planned business strategy.
She's right.
We got a completely, um what do you call it? Um She's right.
A lot of people come in here over-rehearsed.
Good for you guys.
So, Ben, tell me more about your departure from Lock 'Em Up.
You know what I'm gonna jump in and answer that, because otherwise, he will.
Um I better just go.
I'm not helping here.
I'll walk home.
You know, I thought everything would change once I took the shower, but it didn't.
Chicken salad, potato salad, macaroni salad.
When your family thinks of salad, it's not so much greens as it is mayonnaise.
How you holding up? I'm okay.
Your family's just having some fun with me.
I don't see the reason why they had to drag my mother into this.
I'm sorry.
That was over the line.
For the record, I don't think she's a wild jackal that squatted out a Packers fan in the woods.
Oh, for crying out loud! We got a quarterback who trips over his own feet! How come our runner always goes straight for the big pile of people instead of the open part? 'Cause then we'd be a winning team, and that's not our way.
Yes! Yes! Jackie, I told you I didn't want that fantasy football stuff in here.
I'm up $187.
Here! It's five bucks.
Go buy yourself some "get off my ass.
" Oh! He lost two yards! He's the worst person in the history of the world! Hey, buddy, it's just a game.
Save that anger for something important.
The boy's just rooting for his team.
Sure.
And I love football, too, but at the end of the day, it's just entertainment, like a game show or magic or something.
Ooooooooh Magic? Did you say magic? You think a football game is like some bozo pouring milk into a top hat? Football's kind of like magic.
It's like faking a hand-off.
Who's got the ball? Does that guy have the ball? No, it's that guy.
20-yard play.
Whoa! It's magic.
Come on, Mr.
Conner, you got to admit that some people do take football too seriously.
They sit on their couch rather than hike or bike.
If they put as much energy into their real lives as they do into these games, they'd accomplish a lot more.
Are you talking about me, Wyatt? I didn't mean to offend you.
Well, you did.
Football is a big thing in this family.
Our team's struggles are our struggles, and their successes are our successes.
Because sometimes we need a win to get through the week.
And who the hell are you to pass judgment on that? Let's go, Wyatt.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Wow.
That was fast.
I'm down like a hundred bucks.
I'm gonna need that five back.
Sorry about my family.
I wish you met them under better circumstances, like when they're asleep.
Yeah.
Boy.
I gotta tell you, I give you a lot more credit for staying sober.
Thanks.
Why is that? That's a challenging environment.
My family's not the reason I drank.
Couldn't have helped.
There's a lot of anger there.
I mean, I get why y'all need to escape into the game and beer and mayonnaise.
That's not an escape.
We love football.
We love beer some of us too much.
And you'd have to pry the mayonnaise from our cold, slippery hands.
Look, I'm not trying to upset you.
I just think you and little Bev deserve better.
Better than what? All the support in the world doesn't mean anything if you're constantly around toxic people.
Are you calling my family toxic? What the hell do you know about them? You were with them for an hour.
I'm glad I'm seeing this side of you now.
You are a judgmental, holier-than-thou jerk! And you're boring! You're like trail mix without the mango.
No zing at all.
This isn't even a good fight! Get out! This is my car! I don't care! Get out! F-Fine.
But don't mess with my pre-sets.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[BEEPING.]
I am so sorry.
I had a lot of time to think on the way here, and I figured it out.
I'm afraid to fail.
You know, the last time I did this if I screwed up, I only wrecked my life.
Now, I'd take down you and your kids with me.
What? You think failure's new to my kids? We eat failure for breakfast.
And we'd have it again for lunch, but we failed to plan, so we don't have any.
So, you're gonna tell me you don't have any problems taking this giant risk? You've already built a successful mug shot magazine.
Why can't you just do it again? Because it's not that easy.
It was brutally hard the first time, and it took a hell of a lot of luck.
Do you know who was on the cover of the first issue of Lock 'Em Up? The Lanford Cannibal.
This guy ate his own foot on a public bus.
Now, what are the odds of that happening again? I'm not gonna kid you, Ben.
They're not good.
So, here is what we're gonna do.
I am gonna use you for your credit rating, and you are going to get out of my way.
Well, that seems harsh.
So, I taught you everything I know, and you're just gonna use me to get the money and then make all the decisions? Yeah.
You're finally getting it.
And what are you gonna do about it? Take another shower? [CHUCKLES.]
N-No.
I'm gonna O kay.
I see what you're doing.
You're baiting me.
No, I'm just pointing out that you're a shell of a man.
So I will build this thing, and you'll greet me at the door, looking pretty with a martini in your hand.
What do you say about that? Alright, yeah.
I'll play your little game.
I'll let you do all the work, and I'll stay in bed and collect half the profits.
Oh.
Okay, now you're baiting me.
The baiter has become the baitee.
I think this conversation has turned stupid.
Now, for the record, I won't be bringing you any martinis until you move up to a whole better class of underwear.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHEERING ON RADIO.]
Well, I'm alone again.
Aw, that's too bad.
I was looking forward to backing over Wyatt with my truck.
I really wanted him to be the one.
- [CLICK.]
- I don't get it.
Why that guy? Because I thought he was steady and dependable.
Beverly Rose needs somebody like that.
Let the baby get her own guy.
You're not ready yet.
What do you mean? I'm 44 years old, and I'm still picking the wrong guys.
My picker's broken.
Look, you've been sober for a minute.
This is the first guy you've dated.
How are you supposed to know what you want when you don't even know who you are? I'm just gonna find the first decent, weak-minded guy with a job and force him to love me.
Look, you just have to be patient.
It'll happen.
And when it happens, grab on tight to that person and never let them go.
Thanks, Dad.
Ugggh.
I can't believe I kissed a Cheesehead.
Hey, hey, hey! Keep that to yourself.
I gotta live in this neighborhood.
What's going on? - The Bears came back! - We're within two.
We got a chip-shot field goal to win it.
We prayed for this! I put a buck in the collection basket.
You muff this kick, and I swear to God I will kill everything you love.
I don't know why I care so much that he makes this.
It's like Stockholm Syndrome.
I've taken on the values of my captors.
ANNOUNCER: And it is good! [CHEERING.]
I had the Bears' kicker! [CHEERING RESUMES.]