The Detour (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

1 [Sighs.]
You let a wanted felon waltz back into your life and steal your kids.
How could you let him do that? I You are terrible parents.
We've been told that a few times.
Children are your life's blood.
They are so precious.
I mean, I'm sure they were when they were younger.
Yeah, well, the daughter is a bit on the spectrum.
And their son, I don't know how he functions in life.
I mean, you should have seen him.
He was getting this handy from - Whoa, whoa.
- What? Hey.
How do you know that? Were you spying on us? In our home? Don't doodle.
Answer the question.
Did you put a camera in our house? - Kids? - What, are they sleeping? - It's 9:30.
No.
- Hey, kids.
Come on out here.
We've got some stuff to talk to you about.
Guys? Super D? Jared? We've got some news.
It's not great.
Hey.
Kids? I can't find them.
- Maybe they're down at Chase's? - Probably.
I'll go get them.
[Sighs.]
[Siren wailing in distance.]
What the hell? What the Holy shit.
What's in that? Oh, geez! What the shit? Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
- What are you do What? What? - [Mouthing.]
Say words with your mouth.
Use noise.
Bags? Oh, bugs? That's what this You don't do this! You call an exterminator.
What is your problem? Nate, pour children are not at the Lewises'.
Go faster, go faster, go faster.
Come on.
Why I Just show it to me.
Hurry.
People are liste People are listening? Yes, the walls are paper thin.
We've established this.
What are you doing.
Baby, what are you doing? Stop doing that.
- Stop eating that.
- [Speaks indistinctly.]
- What? What? - [Coughs.]
[Gasps.]
It's too thick.
It's the evidence.
[Whispering.]
See the camera? Oh, shit.
He was right.
- Who was right? - Oh, my dad.
- I hate it when he's right.
- Who? What are you talking about? - My father.
- What about him? - The mail police! - That makes less sense! - Help me with this.
- What? - Help me get this off.
- Oh, bugs in the mattress? Yep.
Yep.
Get off.
Nate: Bugs.
What? Why would you put that in there? God.
[Grunts.]
No wonder I was getting such a shitty night's sleep.
Ah.
What are you doing? Oh, my God.
- It's not what it looks like.
- It looks like you're thumbing around in a bowl of human feces.
Which, that wasn't me, by the way.
The kids must have Oh my God! Why would you do that? It's all a part of his escape plan.
- What kind of plan is that? - Relax.
It's a candy bar and chocolate sauce, so nobody looks in the toilet.
It's still disgusting looking.
- What is that? - Here.
Oh! Oh, my God.
- Open it.
- Wha No! - It's chocolate sauce! - It was still in toilet water! What is this, airline tickets? What, did he buy us a trip? - No.
- That's nice.
And what are these numbers? - They're coordinates.
- For what? Who gives us coordinates? - He took our children.
- He didn't take our Why would he take our children? He took our children in exchange for that.
Say goodbye to a formerly great country, kids.
- Yeah.
- This is kind of weird, you know? Not really.
I've watched overregulation cripple this country since the Carter administration.
No.
I mean, are we being kidnapped? I don't think so.
You came willingly.
You said our parents were gonna be here.
No.
I said your parents would meet you there.
Don't worry.
They're on their way.
I know I left the keys in here somewhere.
Why don't we just fly? Because I'm on the no-fly list.
How do you get on that list, anyway? - I'll tell you later.
- That's Look, I didn't get a chance to straighten up, but she's a good van.
Thank you for doing this, again.
And the speedometer, odometer, and tachometer, they're all a little finicky.
You know, most of it's just there for show.
Sure.
As long as the gas gauge works, that's all that matters.
Not since the mid '90s.
So I wouldn't push it more than two hours before a refill.
- [Keys jingle.]
- Aha! Got 'em! Great.
That's You're a lifesaver, pal.
Listen to me, okay? We're New Yorkers.
When the chips are down, we're there for each other.
We're resilient in the face of adversity.
Although some people say we're a little rude, we're a little quick to anger I'm so sorry.
We really don't have time for this whole New York is the best bullshit.
- Sorry.
- Exactly.
Screw politeness.
Get right to the point.
But underneath all that bluster, we're in it together.
So how long you need it for? A week? 10 days tops.
Ooh, slight problem.
Sometimes when I'm in between places, I sleep in my vehicle.
Like, for the last couple of years.
Okay.
Well Well, why don't you just stay at our place? What? The rent's paid through the end of the month And then after that, I don't know what we're gonna do.
- Okay.
- Yeah, great.
Thank you.
- Thanks again, man.
- Great, yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- Great.
Need any help? - No, I got it.
- All right.
I should drive.
Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's go.
- Take care, man.
- All right.
- This is it, huh? - Yep.
- Come here, come here.
I'm not a hugger.
Okay.
Bring those kids home safe, huh? - Yep.
- Hurry up, Nate.
Come on.
He's kissing me.
We just heard the news.
- Just awful.
- You'll be in our thoughts and non-denominational meditations tonight.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Oh, and we brought you some homemade caramel corn - for the trip.
- Okay, great.
We really have to go.
Thank you so much.
All families go through this.
Or something like it.
Our little family's going through its own tragedy.
We're very sorry, but we really have to go.
I found a lump.
- That's - She had a few removed a few years ago, but this This one's not looking good.
- It's spreading.
- I thought we had it beat, but it's looking like it's gonna be terminal this time.
Nate, we have to go.
We have to go right now, please.
- She has cancer.
- We don't know her very well.
Just have some sympathy.
- She's only 25.
- Oh, come on.
You're pushing this age thing way too far.
Okay, hold on.
Who's 25? - Our cat.
- Oh [bleep.]
off.
She's not really a cat person.
You understand.
Our kids were kidnappped.
But she's got lumps.
Everywhere.
I don't really give a shit, either.
[Cries.]
Thanks for these! La, la, la-la La, la, la-la, la-la, la You know it took us six days to drive to Florida last time.
That's why we're not stopping this time.
Gave us first-class tickets.
That's pretty generous.
Can I remind you that he kidnapped our children for a piece of metal? So maybe let's have a little perspective.
Is it really kidnapping if he's their grandfather? Yeah.
Yeah, it is, actually.
Don't fall for his bullshit, Nate.
My opinion of my dad is our opinion.
Got it? I got it, got it.
Just - First-class seats.
- God.
I've never flown first class before.
I hear it's really great.
- It's fine.
- Nah, it's better than fine.
You know, back when I was flying economy, middle seats, all those business trips for PFR.
I'd walk past those guys that get to go on first.
And then they're sitting there with their hot nuts and free newspapers, drinking mimosas.
Lie-flat beds.
Of course I wouldn't use that.
I'd be too excited to sleep.
[Chuckles.]
I was like, "One day.
" One day, I'm gonna be up in front of that curtain.
" And here it is.
And we get to use it.
They give you socks.
Socks.
That's so great.
- You have socks.
- I know, but not plane socks.
That's something special.
Is it? They've never touched the ground.
Literally.
You kids want anything? Pilot can play the violin if you want.
Or she can give you a massage.
I think I should do some pushups first.
What should we call you? Whatever you want to call me.
J.
R.
is fine.
But you're our grandfather.
We can't call you by your actual name.
That's a bit traditional, but okay, sure.
What do you got? What about just "grandpa"? Mm, that makes me feel kind of old.
- Baba? - That's a bottle.
- Grandfather? - Too formal, no? - Bobo.
- What am I, a clown? - G Daddy.
- That's too urban.
- Grampy.
- Too rural.
- What about just Gramps? - Let's get away from the Gs.
You know what What about PP? What the hell does that even mean? - Zaide? - Come on.
If you're not gonna take any of this seriously Oh, Pee-paw! - Use it in a sentence.
- Um Hey, Pee-paw.
[Sighs.]
Pee-paw it is.
Penis-lavania.
Remember that? It's funny.
Oh, damn it.
It's stuck.
What's stuck? - Floss is stuck.
- Just pull it out.
I am.
I'm trying to pull it out.
- Pull harder.
- I'm pulling harder.
- I can't get it out, man.
- Yank it.
Babe, I don't like the way this feels.
- I really - Pull, pull, pull.
Can you get something to cut it out? - What do you want me to cut it with? - Oh, this does not feel good.
Jesus.
Can you bite it out or something? Why would I bite it out? Because I need it out of my mouth.
Just get it out.
You want me to bite it out of your face? - Yes, bite it out of my face.
- Oh, my God.
Do something, because I can't handle this.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you're making me do this.
Just look at the road.
- I'm looking at the road.
- Calm down! God.
I just I can't.
This hurts so bad.
Here, here.
Is this better? Hmm? Hmm? Oh, God.
Oh, God, I can't see anything.
Is that better? - There.
- Oh, my God! - God.
- Oh, my God, that feels so much better.
Whew.
Oh, God.
Are you having an orgasm? No.
This feels so much better than an orgasm.
So, tell me about yourselves.
As people.
You got a girlfriend? She doesn't like to be called that, but we're moving pretty fast.
- We don't like labels.
- I'm in love.
He's over 2,000 years old, has long hair, and a beard.
He's a constant in my life.
[Sighs.]
You don't want to know his name? I just assumed he was fake.
It's Jesus.
I'm in love with Jesus.
Oh.
So I was right.
[Inhales deeply.]
How long have I been asleep? - What? - Ooh.
- You were driving.
- Yeah, but A couple highway markers, tops.
Right? You mean mile markers? What was the last one you saw? 17, I think? You've been asleep for three miles? Okay, okay.
But that's But that's only two and half minutes at this sp You were supposed to keep me awake! Don't slap me.
It's not my fault.
God.
Pull over.
Let me drive.
No.
You are in no condition to drive.
I'm You're right.
- Hey.
Hit me.
- What? - Hit me in the face.
- Why would I do that? - To keep me awake.
- I would knock you out.
Don't hit me hit me, just slap me, like normal people.
It's the only way I know how to hit hard.
God.
You know there's other ways to stay awake.
How's that feel? Doing anything for you? No, it's Not really.
Too high? Too Too low.
Way, way too low.
- What? - Oh.
Oh, okay.
There's your - My zipper.
- That's - That's my zipper.
- [Laughs.]
- Is that stimulating you? - No.
- Is it keeping you awake? - It's making me have to pee.
Then we accomplished something.
Yay, one for Nate.
Let's pull over and pee and we'll get some fresh air.
- I'm not stopping.
- What do you mean you're not stopping? - I'm not stopping.
Just - You have to pee.
Find me something to pee in, then.
It's going to have to be, like, this big for you to pee in it.
No, it's way smaller.
My stream is tight, man.
Oh, my God.
You're acting like a mental patient.
Babe, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- I don't know what you want me to see.
- I can't - There's nothing back here.
- Okay, fine, you know what.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm just gonna do it in this.
- You what? No.
- Yeah.
- Babe, pull over.
- I'm not pulling over.
Here, hold the wheel.
That cup's not big enough.
It's fine.
I've done the math.
It's fine.
Does this thing have cruise control? Oh, my God.
I can't believe you're doing this.
Okay.
It's for the kids.
This is gonna save us a minute.
Pull over.
- It's for my children.
- God.
It's gonna fill up too fast.
It's gonna hit your fingers, you're gonna freak out, and you're gonna spill it all over your pants and your seat and it's gonna smell like a bus in here.
No one can say I'm not a good mom.
Why, because you're pissing in a cup? No, because I'm doing what needs to be done.
God, you're stubborn.
- Oh, God.
- That's Would you stop? It's so full.
- Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- God.
Oh, it's so hot.
You spilled it all over my sweatshirt! - Sorry.
- What have you been eating? - Caramel corn.
- That's You've got some sort of kidney failure or something.
Oh, babe.
- What? - It just smells bad.
- Sorry.
- Got it? - Yeah, I got it.
- Okay.
Whew.
What are you do Wait, what are you doing? What? Don't just leave it there.
Get rid of it.
Where would you like me to put it? Throw it out the window.
I'm not gonna throw it out the window, okay? The wind will hit it, it'll whip back in my face.
- Then do it quickly! - Okay, your majesty! [Laughs.]
Why would you think the window was open, honey? It does smell like popcorn.
Remember that guy Doctor Rob? That was weird, right? I think he lived, like, right off this exit.
Wonder if he ever got wise to those Russian chicks poisoning him? Oh, shit.
I never told you that, right? They were slipping antifreeze into his sweet tea.
Can we just not talk for a little while? Just for a bit.
Just a little bit of quiet.
Little bit.
Okay.
Ow.
God! What? You were supposed to keep me awake.
What would you like me to do, okay? You didn't enjoy my finger blasting.
I don't know, talk to me? About what? There's nothing left to talk about.
I've known you for 14 years and seen you every day.
God.
God.
Just pull over.
We'll get some gas or something.
I don't buy that whole two-hour thing.
That would mean this thing only gets six miles a gallon.
- [Engine sputters.]
- What was that? I don't - What's happening? - How would I know? This shit doesn't work.
When was the last time you filled up? - I don't know.
- Oh, my God.
Pull over, pull over.
There's a rest stop.
Get over.
- I'm getting over! - Oh, my Oh, I'm so sorry.
That does not count as an apology.
- [Mockingly.]
I'm sorry, then.
- Oh, much better.
Much better.
Why don't we just walk to a gas station? - It's six miles round trip.
- [Sighs.]
Why don't we just ask someone around here for help? Honey, there's not anyone around here.
Oh, there's not? No? - You know what I hate about you? - Whoa, hate? That is a pretty strong word for this time of night.
All right.
Do you know what I immensely dislike about you? Before we go down this delightful little rabbit hole, you sure you want to? You play dumb.
- That's it? - Yeah, you always play dumb.
Okay.
Well, sorry.
By the way, I wasn't playing dumb.
I was being sarcastic.
But either way, sorry.
Well, wait, hold on.
Are there, like, a million things you hate about me? - Hate? No, not at all.
- Oh, come on.
I'm not happy about a few things, like you keeping your entire criminal past from me.
Oh, because we tell each other everything? You've told me everything? I tell you everything.
Except that one time.
I was embarrassed.
I lost my job.
What did you want me to do? Okay? But since then, 100% of the time.
- That's not true.
- I swear on the lives of our children - Did you sleep with my sister? - Friends.
Our childrens' friends.
- Did you? - Did I what? - Did you sleep with my sister? - Sleep? Like, in a bed? No.
Did you have sex with my sister? I don't even know what that means.
Did your penis go inside my sister's vagina? - Briefly.
- Oh, my God, no.
I didn't want to.
I hated the fact.
- No, I mean, I knew, but - It was awful.
- It was the worst.
- I'm in denial.
- And it smelled.
It was bad.
- That's not It makes it worse.
It makes it worse.
- She was hitting me.
- I can't, no.
You know what made it worse? I had whiskey dick.
- You couldn't get it up? - No, whiskey dick.
Like, you just keep going and going.
- That's not what whiskey dick is.
- Yes, it is.
No.
Whiskey dick is when you can't get it up.
- It's Really? - Yeah.
I should really stop bragging about that.
- Who are you bragging to? - I don't know.
People who listen.
My dentist.
You're not I got to talk to him about something.
- You don't! - Yes, I do.
Listen, she was a mistake.
The biggest mistake of my life, made worse by the fact that I fell in love with that mistake's sister.
Sorry.
God, this will not open.
Babe.
Jesus Christ.
Well, I didn't know it opened that way.
- Carlos.
- What about him? That's that thing.
You're doing that thing.
- What thing? - You're doing that thing.
- You're doing it again! - Doing what? You're playing dumb again.
You know exactly what I'm asking you but you pretend like you don't.
And then you come back and you ask another question, but your voice goes up like 18 octaves.
What are you talking about? I don't do that.
I don't, okay? I don't.
[Coughs.]
Okay.
You did it.
Okay, I'm good.
Okay, I broke his jaw.
But he fell down the stairs on his own.
Not my fault.
Man: Hey! Hey, what are you doing? Oh, shit, there's somebody in there.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Oh, shit! Hey! Where you going with my gas?! Hey! That was $2.
39 a gallon! Hey! My nuts! I'm sorry, baby.
I'm fading.
Straight shot to Florida.
You okay? I'm sorry.
Can I sleep for a little bit? Yeah, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I've got my GPS.
All that's missing is my children.
I know, I know.
We'll be there soon, okay? Use that rage.
That rage will keep you awake.
Is this blanket safe? [Sniffs.]
Nope.
Oh, my God.
Why'd I do that? Oh, that smell's gonna be with me for a while.
I love you.
I love you, too.
So, where exactly are we going, Pee-paw? The only place that Uncle Sam can't get to us.
Where's that? Cuba.
We going to Cuba.