The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e10 Episode Script

Drew, you sure this is
the sex channel?
Been that long, huh, buddy?
[laughing]
No, it's just that
I can't make it out
through all those
squiggly lines.
Why don't you just pay
the ten bucks a month
so we can actually see it?
I can't.
I already get
the Cartoon Network
and I heard if you get that
and the sex channel
they put you in a special file.
What are they doing?
You see, Oswald,
when two people fall in love--
I know.
But how old are these
porn stars?
I could swear,
he's giving her oxygen.
Wait, I think
they're actually talking.
(man on TV)
'And as the doctor cuts
into the patient's abdomen'
'the pancreas becomes..'
This isn't the sex channel.
It's a surgery channel.
Yeah, but if you think about it
they're still naked.
[knocking on door]
Well, if history
has taught us anything
it's my mom.
You guys, you gotta help me.
I can't get rid of my date.
He wanted to go back
to my place.
So, I told him I lived here.
I don't want some weirdo
in my house.
We're trying to watch
scrambled surgery here.
Please, please,
I just want you to act
like my crazy family so
he'll leave me alone. Please.
Alright. I'm taping this anyway.
Okay, here he comes.
Scatter.
- Okay.
- Go.
Kate, my pet.
'I'm sorry I took so long.'
Did you miss me?
No.
What do you say, we start off
with a little drink?
Okay, okay, why not?
Since we're here all alone.
I knew you were fooling
around with me, woman.
[gasps]
Oh, no, Clarke.
My obsessively jealous
boyfriend.
That's right,
now I'm mighty angry.
Oh, gee, I-I didn't know you
were living here with someone--
- 'Hmm, yeah.'
- Maybe I should just leave.
Yeah, maybe you oughta
'cause things are gonna
get ugly.
Wait a minute, I can't leave you
with this guy. He's dangerous.
No, he-he's not dangerous.
He's just stupid.
You can go.
I'm fine. Yeah.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Nobody calls me stupid.
[glass shattering]
Hey, what the hell's going
on here?
Uncle Billy,
thank God you're here.
Clarke, what you doing here?
I thought I made it clear
to you this is my woman.
Oh, my God. I gotta get you
out of this house.
Uh, no, you don't want her.
She's gonna have a baby.
- You're pregnant?
- Yeah, it's my baby.
And I'm her brother.
Wait, if you are her brother
why do you have an accent?
Uh, 'cause I was born
on vacation.
No, you weren't
and I oughta know,
I'm your father.
No, no. I'm your father.
No, you're not.
You're my father.
[indistinct chattering]
This is crazy, Kate.
I gotta get you
out of here.
Please.
There's this shelter
I can take you to.
Yeah, whatever.
So, ends another evening
of trailer park dinner theater.
Join us tomorrow
and we'll present
Tennessee Williams,
a truck stop named Desire.
[theme music]
Up every mornin'
just to keep our job ♪
I gotta find my way
through the husslin' mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world
when the whistle blows ♪
No one owns a piece
of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that the world
looks fine yeah ♪
Holiday ♪
Yeah ♪♪
(Drew)
'It's always hard to mourn'
'the passing
of a fellow employee.'
Even though she only worked
here a week
before she was hit
by that speeding car.
Sally Krasinski will always
be thought of
as a member
of the Winfred-Louder family.
Is she the one
with the red hair?
Brown. Anyway, it was a tragedy.
Who knows
why these things happen?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause there's no light at that
damn intersection out front.
She's the fourth one this year.
It's like a freakin' death trap.
We need a light.
(together)
Light, light, light--
Hey, hey, hey.
Can you show a little respect
for you know,
"What's your face here?"
Does any one have anything
they'd like to say?
Oh, maybe there's something
in her file.
Let's see her hobbies were..
Oh, this is ironic,
speed walking.
Uh, Mr. Wick.
- Anything you'd like to say?
- No, not really.
Might boost morale, sir.
Well, of course.
Well, what can we say
about Sally?
Uh, she had a good, uh, heart
and a lovely spirit.
Uh, yes, Sally Pullman
will be sadly missed.
Sir, it was, uh, Sally Krasinski
that passed away.
That snitty, little bitch.
Well, I suppose
she wasn't that snitty.
Oh, carry on.
Uh, in closing,
if we learned anything
from the passing of Sally,
may she rest in peace
is that if you drop your purse
in the middle of the street
let it go.
Enjoy the donuts.
Amen.
Sorry, I'm late.
Good morning, Mr. Wick.
Did I miss the memorial?
Yeah, just..
Oh, my God, it's Malibu Kate.
Well, I thought
about changing my name
but it just seemed
so superficial.
Speaking as a blonde, let me
tell you you're gonna have
to get used to
being treated as a sex object.
I mean, I had to gain weight
get a middle management job
and get these goofy glasses
just to be taken seriously.
Yeah.
It's gonna be so great
to start fresh.
I-I think my problem
was as a brunette
I looked too dark and angry.
Now, I'm sunny, happy,
easy-going.
You know, Kate, I don't think
your hair color has any--
Shut up!
Can I have one dream?
A bit much.
Don't you think?
I want Krasinski's job.
I can sell electronics
just as good as anybody.
That's where you're wrong,
my multi-colored friend.
We are bringing in the best
of the best
Dexter K. Roberts.
The highest grossing salesman
in the history
of the Winfred-Louder chain.
We had to trade
five shoe salesmen
and Easy Edner from Accounting
but we got him.
I know who Dexter is.
A friend of mine went
to one of his parties.
She didn't come home
for three days.
Then it was just a shower,
check your mail
and go right back.
I can't wait to meet this guy.
I mean, he gets connections.
He-he goes everywhere.
And I know we're gonna
hit it of.
I mean, he's a party guy,
I'm a party guy.
He likes sports,
I like sports.
He goes to all the cool places.
I'd like to know where they are.
For once, I don't
totally disagree
with your stupid
asinine opinions.
It will be good
to have somebody breathe
a little life into this place.
I haven't brought out
my party dress in a while.
Is that the one without
the horn sewn into it?
Yes.
[laughing]
You know, Dex, I don't
usually laugh at bald jokes
about myself,
but that was a good one.
So, when do you want that
karaoke system delivered?
Gee, I don't think
I can, uh, afford it right now.
Hey, it's less than
95 cents a day.
What else can give you
that much pleasure
for less than 95 cents a day?
Well, uh, I guess my kids don't
need that speech therapy.
I'll go get a check.
Wow, you are good.
Everything I heard about you
is true. Welcome aboard.
Nice voice.
You sing?
Hey, don't start that stuff
with me.
[laughing]
Listen, I've heard a lot
about you.
Really, you've heard about me.
Are you kidding,
everybody's taking about
the work you have done
at this store.
You're the man.
You're the guy to know.
You're the guy
that gets things done.
I'm sorry,
I can't quite hear you.
Can you yell that?
I'm serious.
I was told you're the guy
to connect with.
And if I could ever
do anything for you..
just say the word, Mr. Wick.
Oh, uh, I'm, I'm Drew Carey.
[laughing]
Well, hey, it's good
to meet you anyway
and all that stuff still goes.
See you when I see you.
Oh, and who are you?
My last little chip?
Did you get separated
from the herd?
Have you seen my family?
Yeah, I think
they went that way.
Well, that Dex,
he made me laugh so hard
I completely forgot
who I was going to fire.
I know, I'll let go
of the next employee
to end a sentence
with a preposition.
Now, where did Mimi go to?
Being quiet. Oh boy,
that could have been ugly.
Where did you guys go?
We went to Manny's Grill
with Dex.
I was in the coffee room,
I was only gone for two minutes.
- How are we supposed to know?
- I left a sign on my desk.
"I'm in the coffee room,
I'll be back in two minutes."
I'm sorry, Carey.
You were abandoned
by your co-workers.
Now you're feeling left out.
Oh dear, I feel inappropriate
laughs are comin' on.
Great. Everybody got to go
to lunch except me.
Oh, it wasn't everyone.
Hey, Drew.
Hey, Kate.
Wasn't that a great lunch?
Good times, huh?
Oswald, you went too?
You didn't miss anything
at lunch, Drew.
- Well, the magic tricks.
- Well..
- He did magic?
- Yeah.
He removed the table cloth
without disturbing the food.
I've seen that.
Well, yeah, and then,
he put it back.
(Oswald)
'Yeah.'
Drew, we missed you at lunch.
Oh, that's okay, I did
a little magic trick of my own.
I went to the coffee room
for two minutes
and the whole office
disappeared.
I'm sorry, man.
Oh, it looks like
you had a nice lunch here.
You still got a little something
right by your mouth.
- Oh!
- Let me get it for you.
Oh, my God.
What do we have here?
'Oh, oh, oh.'
And I think, it may be comin'
out of the other end too.
[all shouting]
[all laughing]
What did Drew eat for lunch?
Thanks, buddy.
[Oswald laughing]
Well, that was either,
uh, incredibly fun
or really humiliating.
That depends on
if you're us or you.
See you guys
at the party tonight.
- Okay.
- Yeah, right.
- There's a party?
- Dexter's party.
Everybody got an invitation
this morning.
Yeah, even me and Lewis
were invited.
We're gonna stock the party
with buzz beer.
You did get an invitation,
didn't you?
Is it those little envelopes
with those writing on it
with directions? Yeah, yeah,
it's around here somewhere.
Okay, see you at the big party.
- Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
Uh..
It's gotta
be around here somewhere.
If you're looking
for your dignity
try checkin' your confetti hole.
Of course, you.
What did you do with my
invitation to Dexter's party?
What invitation?
What party?
Uh, nothing.
- Did you find yours?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- No.
- You?
- No.
Well, it's not like I really
wanted to go anyway.
Hey, maybe it slipped
under my computer.
[grunts]
Nope.
Yeah, it's like everybody
got invited but us.
Why us?
[instrumental music]
[thud]
Oh, man. There are beer goggles
big enough.
Hey, Tim. Give me a beer
and a double cheese burger.
- Hold the onions.
- You got it.
One Dex burger.
He's got his own sandwich?
I've been comin' here
since junior high.
How come you never named
anything after me?
They did. Give him
the key to the Drew.
Oh, sorry, Drew,
those table are reserved
for parties of three or more.
You mind sitting at the bar?
Oh, yeah, if I can fight
my way through the crowd.
Excuse me, pardon me,
coming through.
Whoop, watch your hands.
Pardon me, excuse me, hi.
So, I guess you didn't find
your invitation, huh, pig?
Oh, let's see,
it's, uh, Friday night, 9:30.
I'm stuck here talking to you.
Take a wild guess.
You mad Dexter
didn't invite you?
No, I got better things to do
with my time.
[hissing]
You paying for the lady?
Oh, her.
Yeah, sure.
Why not?
Thanks for coughin' up
the buck.
I think I'm in love.
Here, here's five.
Never say that to me again.
So, uh, I guess
it's like this a lot
for people like us, huh?
People like us?
Yeah, you know.
Not get invited to the parties
and stuff.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm very popular.
Dex just didn't invite me
because he was jealous.
He was afraid that I would
be the center of attention.
Well, then why didn't
he invite me?
Well, look at you.
So, you-you've never felt
like an outsider, ever?
If I did, I wouldn't tell you.
Well, if you don't tell me,
I'll tell you
an uncomfortable story
about my teen years.
You're bluffing.
I was under my covers
and I thought my parents
had left for the night..
Alright, alright.
There was a time
when I wasn't so popular.
But that was before
I started wearing make-up.
After that I bet you got invited
to a lot
of children's parties, huh?
[laughing]
You know, I don't see
anyone else here.
Uh, sorry.
This sucks.
You know, this really sucks.
Yeah, it's bad enough
when kids do it.
When adults do it,
it really stinks.
Well, you know what my grandma
always says?
When people hurt you,
just turn the other cheek
and when they think
you're not looking..
bam, you coldcock 'em.
That's a family tree
you don't wanna shake.
I'm sure there must be some way
to get back at these people.
What's the best way
to ruin a party?
Oh, when my-my mum and dad
had a big party once
I was under my covers again
and the pastor and his wife
walked in--
Knock it off.
What are we gonna do?
I know, I know, I know,
I got it.
We show up.
Brilliant.
Alright.
First I gotta hit the Drew.
Wait. Save it for the party.
Ooh, good one.
This has gotta be at least
the fifth biggest margarita
I've ever drank in my life.
The fifth biggest?
Well, frat party,
frat party, frat party
and the super mucho grande
margarita at La Cucarachas
which actually has
its own undertow.
Hey, everybody. It's time
to mix the margaritas.
Great party, Dex.
I love the daiquiri bathtub.
Hey did you try
the Corona toilet?
Oh, I gotta get some.
- Hey.
- Ha ha ha.
Hey, you seen Drew?
No, he hasn't gotten here yet.
What happened to your face?
Global Parcel just changed
their slogan to
"If you're more than 20 minutes
late with your package
we'll fight ya."
Men are so shallow.
Why don't you come over
to my place later
and we'll talk about it?
(Oswald)
'What's the matter?'
Isn't it obvious?
I've been drinking margaritas
from a wading pool,
nothing is obvious.
You guys haven't noticed
that since I've become a blonde
every guy here is majorly
hitting on me?
Hey, anybody know
where the ice is?
Just lay off, buddy.
I'm not easy
just 'cause I'm blonde.
Uh, right over there,
where that brunette is standing.
Oh, she's sexy.
So, Kate, uh--
Alright, nobody's hitting
on me.
I bleached my hair
till my skin burned
and what do I get?
"Excuse me, I think
a clump of your hair
just fell in my drink."
Well, I think we've all learnt
a little lesson here, Kate.
I know, be happy
with what I've got
and work on the inside
rather than what's
on the outside.
Actually, I was gonna suggest
you try a baby voice
but that's good too.
Hey, in-crowd.
Look who's here.
The only two people
who didn't get invited.
Oh, suddenly things
are a little awkward, huh?
What are you doing, Drew?
Making everybody uncomfortable.
Hey, everybody.
Let's Wang Chung tonight.
I know how to kick-start
this party.
Who wants to see me turn
my boxers into a thong?
- Eww!
- No!
Hey, Drew, look,
it's a margarita pool.
I think it needs some mixin'.
I do believe you're right.
(all)
Oh!
Drew, what the hell's going on?
Oh, what's the matter, Dex?
You don't like me
crashing your party?
Crashing it?
What are you talking about?
You were invited.
Oh, yeah. Then how come
I didn't get an invitation?
- You got one.
- No, I didn't.
Check your breast pocket.
Well, how do you expect me
to find it?
I put one in every pocket.
'I figured
you had to check one.'
It was sleight of hand when
I was doing the scarf trick.
What did you think,
I was just trying to make you
look like a jerk?
Well, yeah.
And, uh, now, I got
a little trick of my own.
It's called, Pull my head
out of my butt.
It goes something like this.
Ta-da. Thank you.
So, wh-where did you put mine?
Actually, you weren't invited.
Why not,
you big sack of stupid?
Well, you're mean.
Oh, yeah.
I'll show you mean.
Drew, let's get to work.
I got an invitation,
and I think
it's in these walls somewhere.
Hey, hey, Mimi, Mimi.
You know, I-I think
you should leave.
Or what, you're gonna
call the cops?
I already did.
They should be here any second.
Alright, we're goin'.
Come on, Drew.
- Uh..
- Drew.
Oh, right with you.
Hey, hey, are those, uh, three
different kinds of potato salad?
- Drew.
- Drew, join the party, man.
You don't have to leave.
He's right.
You don't gotta go.
I could drive myself.
Uh, yes,
I-I do have to leave
and I-I'll tell you why.
'Cause Mimi's a fellow employee
and, uh, I know what
it's like to be left out.
Let me tell you another thing.
I don't think it's right.
I'm not gonna be a part of it.
'Cause people are people
and you have to learn to accept
'em for what they are.
And they're people.
That's all they should be.
That's all
they should have to be.
That's all
they're ever gonna be.
Come on, pal.
What you saving it for?
I think I made my point.
Anybody who stays here oughta
be ashamed of themselves.
I never thought I'd see the day
when Drew left a party
with Mimi.
(Drew)
'Oh, my God.
What have I done?'
Hey, did they really make
animals this small?
Those are normal size. Your
hands are just getting fatter.
Don't get any on the seats.
I just got new seat covers.
Why, the old ones
commit suicide?
We're here.
Thanks for ruining my gas
mileage, anvil butt.
And, uh, thanks for leaving
the party with me.
Ah, doesn't matter anyway.
It wasn't right.
Hey, look, uh..
I don't wanna get sappy
or anything--
Get out, pig.
It's not a date.
Gotcha.