The Exes (2011) s02e10 Episode Script

Everything okay, Stuart? I'm holding.
I'm carrying! You trying to tell us you're pregnant? - 'Cause if any guy could do it-- - No.
No, no.
- I scored some marijuana.
- Oh! Ho-ho-ho! - So who's your connection? - Uh, my patient, old man Finklestein.
He takes it for his glaucoma.
Mm.
Nice! California kush.
That old pothead Finklestein really knows his yum-yum.
You seem to know it too, cheech.
Well, back in the day, I enjoyed the occasional toke.
Pot was a staple on the pro bowler's tour, along with milky ways and plus-sized women.
Well, listen, I've, uh-- I've never done pot before.
You think it's time for Stu-dog to, uh-- - Puff the dragon? - I think it's way overdue.
So what are we waiting for? - Let's spark up a fatty! - Eh, hold it--hold it.
The smoke tickles my nose, and the smell will stay in the throw cushions for months.
It's like getting high with Martha Stewart.
Fine.
We'll make pot brownies.
Oh, good idea! We'll ingest it.
Although brownies are a little pedestrian.
Oh! I got it! I got it.
There's a spinach frittata recipe I've been dying to try.
Mmm.
Party on.
Good morning! Ah, Holly, thanks again for insisting I stay here until I have the baby.
Anything for you, my preggy little roommate.
Eden, if there's anything you want, just ask for it because I am in a great mood.
My sister Jill is coming for a visit.
Ugh! Little miss perfect? The one who's always shoving her incredible life - in your face? - Mm-hmm.
That's the one.
She's in town to see the flower show.
Oh, and she always gives me this look that says, "Poor Holly, your life is so sad and empty.
" And it's not, right? Of course it's not! I have an awesome new boyfriend.
So for once, she won't be giving me the "Poor Holly" look.
Ooh! My boyfriend Paul just texted.
Oh, I can't-- I don't have my glasses.
- Can you read it for me? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
Read it out loud.
Um, I don't want to.
Eden, what does it say? Paul had to rush out of town.
What? Why? His 103-year-old aunt just died.
Please don't hurt me.
I'm small and pregnant.
So I can't show off my new boyfriend just because some selfish bag of bones picks this weekend to have a dirt nap? I would love to stay and be supportive, but the baby wants to get the hell outta here.
Jill! - Holly! So great to see you! - Mm-hmm.
Aw, I've interrupted your breakfast.
Your great, big one.
Jill, what are you doing here? We were supposed to meet at your hotel later.
Well, I got an early start.
Did my power walk, had a protein smoothie, picked up some Christmas ornaments.
You know, it's never too early.
- Mm.
- And I thought, well, "Holly must be up by now.
" And you kinda are.
So, Holly, tell me, how are you? I'm great.
Fabulous.
Never been better.
No, really.
How are you? Ever since mom told me about your ex-fiance cheating on you, all I can think about is "Poor Holly.
" No, no, no, no.
Happy Holly.
I-I told you on the phone I have an awesome new boyfriend.
Right! Can't wait to meet him! About that Um, unfortunately, he had to dash out of town unexpectedly.
Of course he did.
Hug? No hug.
I'm telling you, I have someone in my life.
Holly, we're out of body wash.
- Eden, this is my sister Jill.
- Hi, hi.
I have heard a lot about you.
And I have heard nothing about you, Eden.
You live here? Yeah, yeah.
Holly insisted, me being knocked up and all.
Oh, Holly, that reminds me: I was able to book that Lamaze class on Sunday.
It's in the west village, so I'm sure we won't be the only girl-girl team.
Oh, my God.
Holly, you're gay.
- What? - Hello! It all makes sense now.
When we were kids, all of the Martina Navratilova posters.
- She was a world-class athlete.
- Mm.
- Listen, Jill-- - Holls.
I have never been more proud of you.
Wait--wait, what? You're living your life openly, on your own terms.
And on top of that, you're having a baby! Holly, I'm in awe of you.
You're in awe of me? Uh, Jill, I think there's something Holls needs to tell you.
She's right, Jill.
Eden and I are Crazy stupid in love.
Um Yeah.
Yeah, you realize this is the first time that we're all getting high together.
Maybe someone should say a few words.
Oh, I will! I will! Stop talking.
See you on the other side.
Sweet Christmas! Is that the po-po? Listen, I'm only going to explain this once.
Eden and I are lovers, and my sister is taking us out to dinner to celebrate the birth of our love child.
This stuff is awesome.
I got caught in this stupid lie with my sister, and I-I'm going to tell her the truth tonight, but I need you guys there for moral support.
- You got it.
- Yeah, we'll be there! All right, great.
What's that smell? Not pot! Wow! Look at all the women here! It must be ladies' night! I think every night here is ladies' night.
- This is a lesbian bar.
- Oh! That explains the neon vagina out front.
- There's my awesome sister.
- Oh! Your beautiful baby mama.
That's us! Hope you guys haven't been here before.
Concierge at my hotel said this is the hippest kitty-cat shack in town.
- Check me out with the jargon.
- Yeah.
- Look, I got us a table.
- Okay.
- Uh, dear? - Oh, yes, of course.
This one.
Luckily, what she lacks in etiquette, she makes up in other departments.
Where are we, man? Well, considering the fact that it's all women, and we're the only guys here, I would say that this is the greatest bar in the world.
Yeah, jackpot.
Hey.
Hey.
How amazing was that taxi ride? We started in one place and ended up in another! We were there, and now we're here! Yeah, this pond is stocked.
It's gonna be easy.
Check me out.
Hey, girl.
Hey, sweetheart, what's going on? You're seriously hitting on me? Mm-hmm.
Trust me, there are no women here that are interested in you.
What the hell is going on here? - Hi.
- Yes, I am.
I'm glad you're here.
Nothing but lipsticks out tonight.
Yeah, the only woman I see is the one standing right in front of me.
Right back at ya.
Hmm.
Pfft! Wow, how cool is this? If I were home right now, I'd be in bed playing sudoku and poking Barry to stop snoring.
So you're saying that my life is more exciting than yours? Come on, look at you two.
I almost forgot what it looks like to be in love.
I'm so jealous.
You're jealous of me? Holly, isn't there something you wanted to tell Jill? No, I'm good.
Hey, uh, cute stuff, you wanna--chik-chika--dance? Me? Uh, no, I'm with my lady.
Oh, now, don't be silly.
Go, have fun-- - Oh, I don't know.
- You heard her.
- Let's do this.
- Oh, my--ow! Come on! Mmm, I like your burly arms.
I get that from my mother's side.
Whoa! What the hell was that against my hip? I get that from my father's side.
Oh, my God, you're a guy? What the hell are you doing at a lesbian club? Lesbian club? How's it going? I'm Stacey.
I'mHazel.
Mm.
Oh, look at her out there.
So free! Playing by her own rules.
Me, I've always lived in a stifling little box.
Lately, it's been more like a prison.
You okay there, Jill? No, I've got to stop kidding myself.
Barry and I aren't a real couple, not like you and Holly.
I mean, we haven't been a real couple for years.
We're just two people sharing the same house.
Ooh, ah! Gee.
Ah.
Well, that was unsettling.
So how are things over here? Holly, watching you live your life has made me realize I've got to start living mine.
When I get home, I'm telling Barry our marriage is over.
What? Listen, Jill, now that you've slept on it, you're not serious about getting a divorce.
Holly, I told you, my marriage is over.
I finally have the courage to end it, and I owe it to you.
Look, Jill, there's something you need to know.
Eden and I are just-- - Who is it? - It's your mother! Ugh, what is she doing here? - Did you call her? - Of course I didn't call her.
Do not tell her I'm getting divorced.
Don't tell her I'm a lesbian.
Hi.
What took you so long to get to the door? This place isn't exactly Versailles.
There's my Jilly.
I love that color on you.
- Oh, thanks, mom.
- Ooh.
And, Holly, that eye shadow makes you look angry.
Thanks, mom.
So what you doing here? Well, how often do my two girls get together? I cashed in some miles, and now it's a threesome.
I missed you, Jill.
I missed you too, mom.
Seriously? Y-you see her every day.
You haven't seen me in, like, four months.
Don't be so sensitive! I missed you too.
I'm just used to having Jill around.
Oh, Jill, before I forget, the club newsletter came, and-- She and Barry won the mixed doubles tennis tournament.
How amazing is that? You do realize that I'm a partner in a law firm this year.
Honey, why must everything be a competition? My point is it's impressive how Jill juggles the kids, the garden club, her charity work, and a successful marriage.
- Hint, hint.
- Mm.
I've found the key is time management.
Holly, I'd be happy to give you some tips.
- Jill's getting a divorce.
- What? Holly's a lesbian, and she's having a baby! Oh, my God! You're getting a divorce? Are you kidding me? You just found out that I'm gay, and I'm having a baby.
Where's my "Oh, my God"? Let's deal with the shocking news first.
Jill? Mom, I'm not getting a divorce.
I do not know where she got that idea.
What? Oh, wow, would you look at that time.
I'm going to be late for the flower show.
Catch you later, bye.
Why in the world would you make up a story like that about your sister? I'm not making anything up, mom.
Okay, I'm not a lesbian, I'm not a liar, and I'm not having a baby.
Holly, the gay bar called.
You left your jacket on the dance floor.
Hi, Jill.
Holly, the flower show was amazing.
I picked up some incredible azaleas for Barry to plant around the gazebo.
What's with the act? I mean, who are you trying to kid? Until mom got here, you were getting a divorce.
You're just afraid to tell her.
And you're afraid to tell her you're gay.
- I'm not gay.
- And I'm not getting divorced.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
- I love men.
- And I love Barry.
Stop it.
Eden and I are not a couple.
Eden is my assistant, and she's staying at my apartment until she has her baby.
Why would you lie to me? Because it was the first time you've ever looked at me - with admiration.
- That's not true.
Yeah, it is.
When it comes to mom, you are the princess who could do no wrong, and I was Shrek.
Well, you think it's been easy for me trying to live up to mom's expectations? The more of a train wreck you are, the more she dumped her hopes on me.
Can we get some alcohol over here? Jill, you have to tell her the truth.
I can't.
You're gonna go up there, and you're gonna tell her the truth, and I'm gonna be there for you.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
You're not afraid of mom? Please.
I'm a grown woman, partner in a law firm.
You think I'm afraid of my mommy? What's keeping the alcohol? good afternoon, gents.
I would love to stay and chat, but I have a date with my new lady friend.
Wait, wait, wait.
The one from last night? She thinks you're a woman.
That she does.
So if you'll excuse me, Hazel's off to meet her new gal pal at the batting cages.
Ta-ta, boys.
If that's not an anti-drug message, I don't know what is.
I got it.
Hey, Mrs.
Franklin.
I didn't know you were in town.
Hello, Phil.
Thank you.
Have you seen my daughters? - Uh, no, I haven't.
Sorry.
- Ugh.
So how have you been? How have you been? I've been better.
I don't think you have.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Really.
All right.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Okay, then.
- Okay.
- Mom, what's going on? - Nothing.
Aw, I wouldn't call it nothing.
I'm back, baby.
Thanks, miss Franklin.
Mom? Mom, Jill has something she'd like to tell you.
Ugh.
What is it, Jill? Mom I bought a bonsai tree at the flower show that I am going to sculpt into your likeness.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
She's getting a divorce.
No, she's not.
Why do you keep saying that? Why does she keep saying that? Because it's true.
What? You and Barry are really getting divorced? Yes.
- What did you do? - Me? All I know is my daughter came here a happily married, mixed doubles champion.
What in the hell happened? Nothing happened.
She's been miserable for years.
She's just been to afraid to tell you.
Wh--I see you every day.
How could you not tell me you were so unhappy? Because you think I'm perfect, and I didn't wanna disappoint you.
Yeah, that's my job.
Oh, I see.
So this is all my fault? When all's well fails, blame the mother! Did you ever see me blaming my mother for any of my problems? Well, you didn't go to her funeral.
That was different.
It was over money.
I-I don't get it.
The last time I was here, you were too afraid to tell me your engagement was over, and now, you're too afraid to tell me your marriage is.
Well, starting to see a pattern here, mom? Yeah, you two stink at relationships.
And maybe I'm not so easy to talk to.
What do you say I take my daughters to dinner and do a little listening? Mm, I'd like that.
Me too.
And, mom, you'll be happy to know I have an incredible new boyfriend.
Good for you, honey.
You deserve to be happy.
If you really wanna keep him, lose the eye shadow.