The Fall Guy (1981) s02e10 Episode Script
Win One for the Gipper?
(FINGERS SNAPPING) COLT: # Well, I'm hot the kind to kiss and tell But I've been seen with Farrah # I've never been with anything less than a nine, so fine! # I've been on fire with Sally Field Gone fast with a girl named Bo # But somehow they just don't end up as mine # It's a death-defying life I lead I take my chances # I die for a livin' in the movies and TV # But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading ladies # Kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee # I might fall from a tall building I might roll a brand-new car # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star (FINGERS SNAPPING) # I've never spent much time in school But I taught ladies plenty # It's true I hire my body out for pay # Hey, hey # I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs Blown up for Raquel Welch # But when I wind up in the hay It's only hay # Hey, hey # I might jump an open drawbridge Or Tarzan from a vine # 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine # COMMENTATOR.
' Well, folks, the clock is running down on this last college bowl game of the year.
Many of the stellar players on these teams will be reporting to pro teams in the next few weeks.
Certainly that is true of the terrific trio of exciting young draft picks who have dominated this game, Lemar Pruitt, Bubba Steinberg and Jimmie Joe Seavers will be reporting in the next few days to the west coast, where their presence could easily project California info playoff contention.
That was quite a stop we made in the metropolis of Golden Bluff.
Yeah, what's wrong, Bubba? No tenements and tar roofs? Heck, I come from a town no bigger than that one.
No wonder you feel that a football team's like a home.
More than 30 people in one place at one time.
Oh, Lemar.
Lemar liked that one.
Of course, Lemar doesn't have brains any bigger than a mosquito's.
BUBBA: Uh-oh.
- Now what did you do, Lemar? - I didn't do nothing.
That's them, Sheriff.
On your toes, big man.
Your load of beef's coming at you.
Jimmie Joe, this must be one of your hometown superhighways.
Who paved it? Daniel Boone? He talks.
It's a miracle.
The operation worked.
- What is this? - Oh, no.
Not again.
Now what? You boys made a terrible mistake trespassing on government property.
Trespassing? Wait a minute.
Now, we hit a detour back there, and a deputy, he sent us up this way.
I don't know anything about detours or civilian authorities.
'Cause I only deal with federal property.
And it is a hefty crime to smuggle alcohol on an army base.
When I search the car, I'll probably find some drugs.
Hey, look, we're pro football players.
We're not any rum runners or junkies.
Seems like you're big enough to be both of those.
Now get out of the car, we want to search it.
The hell I will.
It'll be hell if you don't.
Well, looky here.
I guess what I read about you guys is true.
My goodness, you all use artificial stimulants.
Boy, this won't sit well with your coach.
HOWIE: Colt, I want to go in with you.
He's my relative, too.
COLT: Come on.
You two can't spend 10 minutes together without getting into a brawl.
Youâll just have to wait till I clear it with Jimmie Joe and the coach.
- I was invited to practice, not you.
- But I'm Jimmy Joe's cousin.
Yeah, well, I'm older and I got seniority.
But I've always wanted to see a pro team practice.
It wouldn't look good if you got into a fight with the new wide receiver.
But Jimmie Joe and I don't fight any more.
That was when we were kids.
You remember what happened at last year's reunion? Yeah, but I'm a year older now.
Besides, you know we have a lot in common.
Yeah, about 10 stitches and 100 black eyes.
- Come on, Colt, I want to meet the players.
- Let me check it out.
Besides, if Jimmie Joe sees you, he might get excited or even angry.
Personally, I think Jimmie Joe could take you.
Never.
Not on his best day.
Look, Mr Seavers, I'm telling you that he didn't show up.
Now, he probably discovered that football stars attract all the women and he's working on lesson number two right now.
That's not true, Coach.
I spoke to Jimmie Joe two days ago.
He'd already left home and was headed here.
He wouldn't miss a chance with this team.
He's worked too hard for it.
I don't know about that.
All I know is that he's not here.
Hey.
Move out there, will you? Pump those legs.
You're not in college any more.
- Look, these things happen, you know.
- Yes, but not to my cousin.
And what about Lemar Pruitt and Bubba? They were traveling with him.
Where are they? Well, they're all together.
They didn't show up either.
Didn't show up? You're telling me that you got a million bucks' worth of talent wandering around somewhere and you're trying to convince me that that's perfectly normal? I don't accept that.
Yeah, I've heard about you from Jimmie Joe.
You're a stuntman and some kind of a part-time cop.
Why don't you just let it lay for about a week? Let it lay? My cousin disappeared and you want me to forget about it? Trust me.
It'll be better for everyone concerned.
I care about those kids, too.
They'll be back.
No harm done.
But that's not good enough.
We're not talking about a borrowed lawnmower, you know.
Look, lay off me, pal.
I got a team out there that answers to this whistle.
You won't get past the line of scrimmage.
I think you're more worried about what I might do than the fact that you got three top players missing.
Hendricks.
Jones.
Fouts.
Come here.
Why don't you forget about this, huh? Everything's gonna be all right.
This gentleman doesn't realize that we're having a secret practice here.
- When did it become secret? - It just became secret.
You gotta go, fellow.
I just wanted to ask a couple of questions, fellows.
- What team are you a spy for? - I'm not a spy.
- Either way, you gotta go.
- Now, how is it gonna be, boy? As little as he is, we can probably spike him in the end zone from 50 yards.
Why don't you just center him to me for a punt? Come on, fellows, you wouldn't hit a civilian wearing a football, would you? I wouldn't.
They might.
$20 says I can throw him farther than you.
- You haven't paid me for the last guy yet.
- My chance to get even.
- Come on, guys, I don't want to play.
- This is your chance to play with the pros.
I think I'll wait for the bonus.
Hey! You got our football.
He throws a better spiral than you do.
You guys want to practice or are you figuring on another strike? Come on, let's get out there and work, huh? Come on, move, move.
Next time, throw out your own spies.
Marge, in my Rolodex there's a number of a Master Sgt Gleason, Golden Bluff, Texas.
Connect me, will you? (PHONE RINGING) Sgt Gleason here.
There's a man by the name of Colt Seavers who's gonna be Looking for Jimmie Joe, and he strikes me as the kind of man who's liable to find him.
Well, he'd better not.
Look, consider yourself lucky I was able to keep this incident and your players' names out of the papers.
The sheriff here is a hothead, and he'd just as soon throw them in jail forever, but I think I can keep a lid on it.
So you just keep your people away from here.
No press.
No fancy lawyers.
This is a small town.
We like to handle things our own way.
I'll take care of these other two guys, but I don't want to hear from anyone else out there.
You're gonna get them back in eight days in their same condition.
All right, we'll do it your way.
But I'm not responsible for Colt Seavers.
Good.
So, last year, when I visited Jimmie Joe and drove back to LA, I stopped for gas at Apache Valley, Golden Bluff and Dallas.
Now that's a start.
We can backtrack from there.
I mean, three big football players in a convertible had to have been noticed.
Three football players? Well, maybe I should go find them.
Hi, guys.
Find who? I haven't even told you yet.
- No.
- I haven't asked you anything yet, either.
You will, and it's still no.
Hi, this is Terri.
Any messages? No messages? Are you sure? Okay, okay, don't get upset.
I know, I know, you speak perfect English.
(SAYING GOODBYE IN JAPANESE) - Colt, please.
- No again.
I'll offer a maybe.
Maybe we should at least listen to her.
Why listen? I've got other things to do that are more important to me.
- I'm offering a lot of money.
- I'll take it.
But first I've got a family problem I've got to take care of.
Oh, I'm sorry, Colt, is there anything I can do to help? How much money did you bring along this time to bribe me with? -$1,000.
- Well, would you lend it to me? Colt, why don't you just earn it? You could solve both our problems.
Never mind, never mind.
I've got $80.
Well I'm good for about $60 more.
Yeah, well, I've got about $31.
Urn How much do you really need, Colt? $830 more.
Could make it an even thousand.
Let's get going.
GLEASON: Look, I know it wasn't your stuff, but the local sheriff don't.
Now, you gotta trust me to handle this to make you look good.
Sergeant, aren't you going to a whole lot of trouble just to win a football game? To you, it's a football game, to me, it's got to do with my future.
- Sure don't understand.
- You don't have to.
Your coach is doing me a little favor.
You and your friends are in my care for about a week.
You just train the team I got, and win the game.
Then you can sit back and think about your rosy future in professional football.
- Wilson.
- Yes, sir? Wilson, I've been looking over the profit margins at the NCO club.
Yes, sir.
I know it's not as high as it usually is, but I swear to you, sir, nobody's hand has been in the till.
The profits are down 20% over the month before.
That's money out of my pocket and yours, Corporal.
What kind of girls you got serving the drinks? Well, same as last month, sir.
Well, then, we're gonna need some new recruits.
We might even need a new corporal to run the NCO club.
Yes, sir.
Let's check out the bar.
I'm just gonna wash up first.
Save me a beer.
Well, they got plenty.
Don't worry, this is Texas.
(PHONE RINGING) All right, run that play again! See if you can keep from running into each other.
just keep working.
Sergeant Gleason here.
Yeah, that fellow Seavers, he's in town.
He's in the tavern.
Fine.
Now that we got our target located, it's just a matter of a proper plan of attack.
I suggest you use Sue Mae.
She's the best-looking camouflage you got.
Great.
Hey, if you're coming back this way, I could use a couple of beers and some conversation.
Yeah, well, we got plenty of beer.
Well, I just wanna (PHONE RINGING) Tavern.
Yeah, he's here now.
Okay, Sheriff.
Yeah, no problem.
Well, I got a little time for you now, stranger.
I just want to ask you about some friends of mine, may have come through here about three or four days ago.
You know, sometimes I got a good memory and sometimes I can't remember a thing.
Yeah, you know, I know just exactly what you mean.
I get spells like that myself.
Here.
Try this, it beats aspirin.
Beers are on the house.
Now, what did you want to know? Hi, y'all.
It's about my three friends.
They're athletes, professional football players.
Might've stopped in, got some gas, had a couple of beers.
- I just wanted to know if you'd seen them.
- Sure.
This is the easiest $20 I made all day.
Yeah, they were in here a couple of days ago and they had a big party.
Then they left.
Hey, are you one of them football players, too? - No, no, no.
- No? Yeah, I'll tell you, you ought to ask Sue Mae, because she was with them for quite a while.
Excuse me, miss.
My name is Colt.
Could I speak with you a few minutes at a table? Why not? I like looking at new faces.
My name is Sue Mae.
Well, I'd offer you a beer, but I'm not sure you're as old as you are pretty.
I'm older and know a lot more than you think, Colt, but I'll just sip on yours.
It makes it more intimate.
Sue Mae, better get on home to your pa.
You've got a lot of studying to do if you expect to graduate from high school.
Now, I don't know what they call girls her age where you come from, boy, but around here they're known as jailbait.
Well, where I come from, we call it "being had".
Come on, fellows, isn't there some way we can avoid this? Kind of had that feeling.
Hold it! And I mean hold it! Oh, that wasn't fair.
He said, "Hold it.
" There's one thing we don't put up with around here, troublemakers.
We haven't been charged yet, Terri, but the way things work around here, I'm sure it'll be something interesting.
You got our two troublemakers tucked away nice and safe? Sure have, Sheriff.
They're chained to the wall, sharing a phone call.
Well, they're entitled to a phone call, ain't they? When I say so.
Hey, now, did you get your lawyer on the phone? No, it's a bail bondswoman and a friend.
-"Bail bondswoman"? - Yeah.
Let me talk to her.
It might save us all a lot of grief.
Terri, I'm gonna put Sheriff Clemens on the phone, the arresting officer.
Before we have this conversation, Sheriff, let's agree that a prisoner has a right to know what he's being charged with.
Agreed, ma'am.
How does aiding and abetting a juvenile in Lewd and Lascivious Lifestyle sound? - Ridiculous.
- The? ax)"; '2' ah'.
Causing a riot in a public place, resisting arrest.
And that doesn't include the charges with his friend, Munson.
I'm not a friend, I'm a relative.
- Let's talk bail, Sheriff.
- Bail? There is no bail, ma'am.
These two have to appear in front of the county judge.
He's the only one that can set it.
That should take about a week.
- A week? - A week? We got a right to be charged now.
You call me back in about a week, I'll let you know what the bail is.
You can't keep us here a week.
- Well, now, that depends.
- On what? An Army sergeant and a football game.
What the heck's the Army got to do with this? I don't know what exactly to do about it.
I find that putting pressure on small-town law enforcement causes more grief than relief.
Well, you're just gonna let Colt sit it out in jail? No.
I intend to send someone down there to find out more about it.
Okay.
I'll catch a plane to Dallas, I'll rent a car and drive to Golden Bluff.
- I'll see what they got themselves into.
- All by yourself? - You want to come? - Yes, but I can't.
Well, I'll just have to take your credit card.
It'll be just like having you there.
Well, what am I gonna do for money? Use my credit card.
But be careful.
Okay.
Lock up when you go.
Kidnapping pro football players to win your game? Aren't you being a little heavy-handed? Even for you? It's "we", Clem.
It's "we".
Now, didn't I declare all your competitors off-limits? Didn't I put all your select spots on-limits? - Yeah, but you took - Listen, Clem, we're a monopoly.
You on the outside of the gates, me on the inside.
So why don't you just relax and let me get on with my work? What happened to the "we"? In spite of a nosy base commander, I have managed to accumulate a whole warehouse full of questionable material.
I cannot deal with the other Army bases unless I visit them.
I win the football game, and I become the representative for the whole western area.
I can make a tour of those bases, nobody to watch over me.
According to my computer, that's $608,000.
What's my cut? You'll get your usual fee for being a police escort.
This time I'll triple it.
- All right, let's see who can block, Bubba.
- Okay.
Set, hut! I don't know what you expect out of us, but this isn't much of a squad you gave us.
Well, we don't get the pick of the litter like we used to.
Set, hut! We're gonna play your game 'cause the coach told us to, but it doesn't mean we gotta like it.
It doesn't mean we gotta like you.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you got the rest of your life to hate me.
I just need you for a few more days to help me beat the enemy.
One, two, three, four! One, two, three, four! - How do we compare with all the rest? - We're number one, the very best.
- Who are these guys? - How do we march? - On the double.
-Where do we go? - Where there's trouble.
- The enemy, son.
The enemy.
- Sound off.
- One, two.
- Sound off.
- Three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four! You've heard of the Green Berets, haven't you? Well, these guys are called the Mean Berets.
Best damn soldiers the Army has ever trained.
Well then, why did you call them the enemy? 'Cause that is the team that you're playing, and this is the battlefield.
JODY: Hello? Colt? Howie? You don't know either of us.
You're not looking for us.
You never saw us, okay? - Can I help you with anything? - No.
Yes.
(TEXAN ACCENT) Yes.
Yes, you can, Deputy.
Herman, ma'am.
Call me Herman.
Jody Banks.
Pleased to meet you.
I just got into town, and, you know, it's too early for bed, so I thought I'd get a little nightcap.
Well, I thought I'd better come here and ask an officer of the law where the safest place is for a girl like me to get a drink.
Well, I'll tell you, a lady as pretty as you are, ought not to be drinking in a bar all by herself.
I'd be mighty honored to buy you one.
Well, there's a tavern right down the street, within walking distance, and, well, I get off duty in 10 minutes.
Of course, if the tavern's not to your liking, I know a roadhouse has live music.
I got my pickup truck right there in the back.
Back? You mean behind that wall right there? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, I'll be waiting right out there.
(EXCITED SIGH) Colt? Colt? Colt? Where's your tool kit? There's some hand tools in the side compartment.
Okay.
Hi.
I sure didn't mean to keep you waiting this long.
Oh, well, I don't mind.
You know, I kept myself busy.
Listen, why don't we just walk on down the street about a block? We can have ourselves a drink, and my apartment's right around the corner from the tavern.
Oh, well, normally I wouldn't mind, Herman, but I think I'd much rather drive to that roadhouse you told me about.
You know, I'm thinking of settling down here and I might want to find a job over there.
Well, I think that's great.
You know, I like having you around.
You know, I bet I could even get you hooked up with a job at the Army base.
Now that Sgt Gleason, he's always looking for pretty girls for hostesses.
And the money's real good.
You know, my brother had a truck just like this, and it would do a quarter of a mile in eight seconds.
Eight seconds? Shoot.
That's walking.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
What the hell? - Good work, Deputy.
Thanks a lot.
- Hey! - Great driving, Deputy.
- On second thought, I think I'll walk.
But wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! Where you 96"â)? How'd you do that? I switched the linkage on his transmission lever.
- You're sensational.
- I'm rich, too.
I've got Terri's credit card.
- Well, now, even I never pulled that one off.
- Well, it takes practice.
- So, what do you have in mind? - Well, the Army base.
I gotta get in there.
Colt, I passed it on the way in.
It's got an 8-foot electrical fence.
Okay, here's what we try for.
You'll be doing a marathon drive, but I think you can do it.
You gotta make Dallas and back tonight.
There's a studio there.
I want you to contact a man named Harry Thomason.
Tell him I'll need Big Bertha and a mounting platform.
In the morning, stop at the Army surplus store.
Pick up a couple of sets of Army fatigues.
You got that? I got it.
Are you gonna really try and get on that Army base? No, we are.
Youâve just been drafted.
- Okay.
All set.
- It's a wonder we won the war.
- I'd rather be in the Navy.
- Well, you'd just get seasick.
Are you so sure that Jimmie Joe is on that base? Well, he's not in the town jail.
The Sheriff did offer us a deal with Sgt Gleason.
It all adds up.
Well, even if he is there, what can we do? Well, we're gonna end run him right out of there.
700 pounds.
just right.
- Howie, where are you? Howie? Howie? - Colt.
Up here.
How'd you get up there with 700 pounds? 700? I thought you said 1,100.
Would you come on down? This is Price.
We've got two intruders in Sector 3.
Request assistance.
Colt! Come out of that ditch! COLT: Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
We surrender.
There's easier ways to do things, fellows.
You could have just enlisted.
- Hey, Colt.
What are you doing here? - Well, I was looking for you.
Now, what the hell are you doing in that football gear? I'm not exactly sure, but I talked to Coach Huey and he said to go along with this for a week or so.
Go along with what? You just worry less about your cousin and more about your own problems.
Sergeant.
Sergeant, look, we might have a chance to play a decent game after all.
You see, Colt here played quarterback in college for three years.
He was headed for the pros, but, well, he had a bad knee.
- So? - So, look, this is a chance at something that I always wanted.
You get yourself a quarterback, and I finally get to play on the same team with Colt.
- What about him? - Who? Howie? Now, Howie's all right, but, you see, Howie's a Munson and not a Seavers.
- And glad of it.
- Hey, now don't be pushing me.
I'm warning you.
Don't you All right.
All right.
You go on back to the practice field.
- You two stand fast.
- All right.
What is he doing here? And what's all this about a football game? Well, him and his friends got arrested for trespassing on an Army base with a bag of drugs.
Come on, I don't believe that.
Well, maybe Jimmie Joe didn't have anything to do with it, but I could sure make a good case against all of them.
Of course, there'd be a lot of publicity.
You can either get a lawyer or you can play football for me.
Symbolically speaking, the ball is now in your hands.
Thirty-six.
Hup one.
Hup two.
Hup three.
Come on, guys.
Come on.
Try it again.
Count of three.
That's it.
Hup one, hup.
- Thirty-six.
Hup one, hup two.
- Come on, Mike, snap it on one.
We can't play without the ball.
Hup one, hup two.
Come on, guys, block! Okay, guys, gather up.
Like the enthusiasm.
I can't say I like the practice.
It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good.
A little more hard work, and I think we can get it together.
Here comes the enemy.
(CHANTING) - How do we march? - On the double.
- Where do we go? - Where there's trouble.
- That's the team we're supposed to play? - That's the team.
- One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four! - One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four! About face! Jumping jacks.
Ready.
Begin.
- I'm too young to die.
Hell, I'm too old to die.
All right, that's it, fellows.
You don't expect this bunch to play them, do you? Play them? I expect you to beat them.
You got it? Keep it up.
One, two - What you doing? Keep it up.
join the ranks.
- Captain? You come to offer me a forfeit? No, Sergeant.
I was going to suggest a cancellation.
I don't like to see soldiers injured for no reason.
You've got a few flashy players on your team, but they don't stand a chance.
Where'd these guys come from, anyway? We're re-processing them out of japan.
Don't worry, the game will go off as scheduled.
- There's no reason for it.
- There is a reason for it.
I want to go on this tour as much as you do.
Well, I want it for the sake of the service and the sport.
Knowing you, I doubt if your motives are as pure.
Maybe some of your officers and gentlemen aren't so pure either, sir.
- I may cancel this game.
- Go ahead.
I'll claim a forfeit and I'll go on the tour anyway.
We'll play.
Dismissed.
Well, you heard enough to know one thing.
Yeah, that the Captain has good taste in his judgement of men.
Funny.
But you better win this game or you and your relatives will be missing in action.
Captain Jones has got a thing for my scalp.
So, I don't want the goods on the base any longer than they have to be.
-Win or lose, we gotta move them.
- Well, you ready for another? Well, now that is what I call pretty.
- What's your name, girl? - Well, you can call me Jody, Sergeant.
Pretty name, too.
Well, Jody, you know the rules and the cut you get, so if you swivel around a lot, you can make a nice dollar for both of us.
Well, I'll be sure to do that, Sergeant.
Sure, we can out-pizzazz them for a quarter or two, but sooner or later they're gonna figure out all we got is a four-man team.
- Five.
- Four and a half.
It's you and me, Jimmie Joe.
It's gonna happen.
- You don't see me leaving town.
- Hey, I don't see anybody leaving town.
Will you two cool it till I find you a friendlier place to fight in? Now, I can only handle one problem at a time, and that's figuring out a game plan and then an escape plan.
- Okay, what'll it be, boys? - Beer.
- The same.
- What are you doing here? Listen, I got to talk to you.
Corner, by the slots.
- Want me to come along? - No, stay here.
Okay.
Don't ask a lot of questions, but besides watering the whiskey, Gleason, that sergeant over there, they've offered me everything from Swiss watches to Japanese cameras.
Tax-free and wrapped in brown paper.
They seem to have quite a business going.
But why kidnap football players? - Maybe they're looking for endorsements.
- I wish I was in the mood to laugh.
- Who's the guy with Gleason? - Oh, he's one of his salesmen.
He offered me French champagne and Cuban cigars.
Can you give me some cover with the MPs? I want to keep an eye on that guy.
- What do you want me to do? - Use our game plan, dazzle them.
Nobody appreciates an IQ any more.
Oh, boys, I need to use this telephone right over here.
Can you give me some spare change? Thirty-six.
Hup one.
Thirty-six.
Hup one.
Hup two.
Hup three.
They're finally starting to look like a team out there.
Maybe for a high school or a junior college team.
Gleason ought to be put in jail for booking this game.
Yeah, Gleason ought to be put in jail for a lot of reasons.
Yeah, we gotta report him to the authorities.
Great statement, jimmy Schmo.
Gleason is the authorities.
It's jimmy Joe, not jimmy Schmo.
- That's debatable at best.
- Hey, I'll Come on.
You know, if we had a half a dozen guys that would fight like these two, -we'd win against the All-Stars.
- I believe that.
But it doesn't change our situation.
Sometime before we finish this game, we've got to finish Gleason.
- Come on, we can't win that game.
- Maybe.
But at least we can try to beat Gleason.
- How do we do it? - Well, now that I got a team, I guess I gotta come up with a game plan.
ANNOUNCER: Hello again, everybody, this is Chick Hearn, and this afternoon's football broadcast is being aired closed-circuit to all military bases in the southern district.
And this announcer would like to apologize.
It has been his Colt, we're gonna need some splints and crutches.
Well, think positive.
Settle for Band-Aids and iodine.
Okay, the only chance we got is to score first, fast and keep scoring.
We're receiving.
We'll run the kickoff to the left, reverse to Jimmie Joe.
a calculator to keep track of the score -that will be run up by the Mean Berets - Yes, sh.
-.
.
.
against Golden Bluff - Let's go get them.
- Okay, let's go.
-has been given to both teams, they come out on a good day for football.
There's no wind, maybe just a little bit warm, if anything.
- I know what my deal is if you win the game.
-The toss has been won by Golden Bluffâ - What happens if you lose? -and they have elected to receive.
I don't lose.
We lose.
but each one seems to have a special intent on the ball game.
Number 20 will do the kicking.
His name is Jackson.
Those to receive: Number 33, Lemar Pruitt, and Number 45, Colt Seavers.
There's the run-up on the kick.
And they're on their way.
Jackson got a lot of toe in that one.
He takes I': down to about the 18-yard line.
Hey.
There's a cross-back.
Handing the ball off to Colt Seavers.
Hey, what the After passing the ball to Number 84, Jimmie Joe Seavers.
Gotta talk to you, Captain.
Here? Now? I don't have time to call ahead for an appointment.
A good block thrown by Bubba Steinberg.
Go! Go! There are more important things, like your Sgt Gleason running a prison camp on this base.
He's not my Sgt Gleason.
- You just cost me a touchdown.
- Yeah.
I'll be back on the next end sweep.
and now Golden Bluff leading 7-0.
The kickoff.
Bolger kicks that ball high and far.
Jackson, Number 20, heads to the 9.
He's up to the 15, the 20.
He cuts back across the gridiron, and he gets all the way out to about the 52-yard line.
It's third and short.
Good block! Number 44, the fullback Williams, has the ball.
He cuts back, and it's a free run of 16 yards for the score.
Hup one.
Hup two.
Down at 6, Number 45, Colt Seavers.
He wants to go to Howie Munson.
He's got him at the 6.
- All right! - All right! The Berets' Jackson sweeps to the right and cuts back to pick up four yards.
Oh, he's down on the 27.
All right, guys, I need to talk to the Captain again.
- Quick pitch left on two.
Ready? - Break.
in the backfield and he seems to have the attention of all his teammates.
He'll go this time on a short run, we think.
- Hut two.
Hut three.
-7'he same as he did in the first quarter.
The ball is back to Munson, who leads the left side.
You better tell me what you want before you kill me.
- I want you as a witness.
- To what? You steamrolling me? Getting Gleason.
I got a plan.
When I put it into effect, I want you to follow it and see what goes down.
Then I want you to take whatever action you want.
Iadies and gentlemen, than we thought we would have for you.
Anything that'll muzzle Gleason is okay with me.
We're coming back for the second quarter, and we know that you're going to enjoy it.
I apologize for the beginning of the broadcast, because this is a much better football game - I think it's time for Howie to get injured.
- Good.
Hey, hey.
Come on, save it.
Sprint right pass, on two.
were swatting at each other.
I don't know what that's all about.
Munson splits out to the right side.
Pruitt's in the slot.
- Colt Seavers in the back.
- Hut one.
Hut two.
Is he going to the air? Yes, he is.
He's looking for Munson.
He hits him.
A very nice pass.
- MUNSON: My Leg! - Yeah, I think he? hurt over there.
Looks like a leg injury for Munson.
- Get in there.
- And Munson is a very valuable mg in the lineup of the Golden Bluff 11, as you well know.
Number 81 is going to come in to replace him.
Boy, there is a tough break for Golden Bluff, it Munson can't get back into the contest.
You better heal quick, boy.
I need you back in the game.
Gets a little bit of a pep talk, I guess, over on the far sideline.
-1 can'? hear what the man's saying, but - Come on! Come on! - Munson gets up.
- Let's go.
Hut one.
Hut two.
Hut.
Hut.
Colt Seavers jumps back into the pocket.
He throws to Pruitt.
It's complete.
He's hit.
It pops in the air and it's picked off.
Number 41, Weaver, has it and he is finally hit and pulled down at the 55.
- Have you got anything spotted? - Well, there's a half-track.
- Can you drive one? - That's an armored personnel carrier.
I took two years of ROTC at the University of - Okay.
- What about those two guys? YOU got a plan? From the enemy 40-yard line, it's Jackson back to throw.
Behind the defenders, it's Number 34.
He's got him at the six.
He's in for a touchdown! (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me.
Hey! Come back with that truck.
Hey! Where you going with that? Come back here! Bring that truck back! Come here! Hey! Hey! 28-27, Golden Bluff in the dark-blue jerseys, 20 seconds left.
Hey, watch this.
It's an onside kick.
Lucas was lined up to kick, Bolger stepped in front and kicked the ball.
How lucky, or whatever you want to call it, can Golden Bluff be? Their man, Number 46, Gordon, recovered the ball.
Okay, guys, this is the one we've been looking for.
- Let's play give-away on two.
Ready? - Ready.
Give me a hand.
it's unbelievable.
Col': Seavers, the quarterback, and he's going to have to look for the big play here or give up the football.
He's distracted momentarily by a military vehicle appearing in the gridiron.
Hup one, hup two.
Colt Seavers gives the ball back to Jimmie Joe.
He fires to Lemar Pruitt, who throws the other way.
It's complete.
Then it goes to Colt Seavers, and he takes it in.
I don't believe it.
He took it in for an intentional safety.
And that means the Mean Berets have won the football game.
The score is 29-28.
Yes, only 100 people here, but every one of them -with a glazed look on his or her face.
- Come on.
Wilson, inflow us.
- Let's go, men.
-no one 1?? his right mind would ever throw the ball back to the enemy territory, knowing they would lose the game.
But they did.
That's exactly what happened, ladies and gentlemen, and unless you were here to see it, you could never believe it.
The final score is Mean Berets 29-28.
Squad tars are whistling out of here now, fol[owed b y jeeps.
Next they'll have tanks, I think.
But no thanks to who won the game.
All right.
Arrest them.
Yeah, for what? Destroying stolen government property? - You'll never leave here.
- You will, Sgt Gleason.
If this material is what I think it is, you'll be spending the rest of your tour of duty in Leavenworth.
- Well, all right! - Have some champagne, Jimmie Joe.
Hey, hey! (GRUNTS) When these fellows are finished, I'd kind of like to have my carrier back.
Yeah, well, I'd be patient, Captain.
This could last for a while.
BUBBA: Come on, boy, lean into it.
You're supposed to have muscles in those arms.
Which one are you talking to, Bubba? I'll yell at the other one.
Howie, get your elbow on the table.
- Jimmie Joe, back in your chair.
- Hey, a beer? Why not? I'm supposed to be in training.
You got any milk? Well, Colt's never in the house long enough to keep it fresh.
- Come on, have a beer.
-just remember, I was forced.
At least they can't throw you in the stockade for it.
But then, you could tip glasses with your Sgt Gleason.
Hey, that place ought to thin him down a little.
You know, I'd love to buy his golf cart, though.
- Think he'd do business with me? - No, but Sheriff Clemens would.
He's going to need a load of cash to pay for his lawyers, and he don't have a job no more.
Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.
You need a brain to concentrate.
I have a special prize for the winner.
I did it! I won! That proves who's superior.
- Did she say what I thought she said? - Relax, kid.
She just baked a cake.
- A cake? - A cake.
' Well, folks, the clock is running down on this last college bowl game of the year.
Many of the stellar players on these teams will be reporting to pro teams in the next few weeks.
Certainly that is true of the terrific trio of exciting young draft picks who have dominated this game, Lemar Pruitt, Bubba Steinberg and Jimmie Joe Seavers will be reporting in the next few days to the west coast, where their presence could easily project California info playoff contention.
That was quite a stop we made in the metropolis of Golden Bluff.
Yeah, what's wrong, Bubba? No tenements and tar roofs? Heck, I come from a town no bigger than that one.
No wonder you feel that a football team's like a home.
More than 30 people in one place at one time.
Oh, Lemar.
Lemar liked that one.
Of course, Lemar doesn't have brains any bigger than a mosquito's.
BUBBA: Uh-oh.
- Now what did you do, Lemar? - I didn't do nothing.
That's them, Sheriff.
On your toes, big man.
Your load of beef's coming at you.
Jimmie Joe, this must be one of your hometown superhighways.
Who paved it? Daniel Boone? He talks.
It's a miracle.
The operation worked.
- What is this? - Oh, no.
Not again.
Now what? You boys made a terrible mistake trespassing on government property.
Trespassing? Wait a minute.
Now, we hit a detour back there, and a deputy, he sent us up this way.
I don't know anything about detours or civilian authorities.
'Cause I only deal with federal property.
And it is a hefty crime to smuggle alcohol on an army base.
When I search the car, I'll probably find some drugs.
Hey, look, we're pro football players.
We're not any rum runners or junkies.
Seems like you're big enough to be both of those.
Now get out of the car, we want to search it.
The hell I will.
It'll be hell if you don't.
Well, looky here.
I guess what I read about you guys is true.
My goodness, you all use artificial stimulants.
Boy, this won't sit well with your coach.
HOWIE: Colt, I want to go in with you.
He's my relative, too.
COLT: Come on.
You two can't spend 10 minutes together without getting into a brawl.
Youâll just have to wait till I clear it with Jimmie Joe and the coach.
- I was invited to practice, not you.
- But I'm Jimmy Joe's cousin.
Yeah, well, I'm older and I got seniority.
But I've always wanted to see a pro team practice.
It wouldn't look good if you got into a fight with the new wide receiver.
But Jimmie Joe and I don't fight any more.
That was when we were kids.
You remember what happened at last year's reunion? Yeah, but I'm a year older now.
Besides, you know we have a lot in common.
Yeah, about 10 stitches and 100 black eyes.
- Come on, Colt, I want to meet the players.
- Let me check it out.
Besides, if Jimmie Joe sees you, he might get excited or even angry.
Personally, I think Jimmie Joe could take you.
Never.
Not on his best day.
Look, Mr Seavers, I'm telling you that he didn't show up.
Now, he probably discovered that football stars attract all the women and he's working on lesson number two right now.
That's not true, Coach.
I spoke to Jimmie Joe two days ago.
He'd already left home and was headed here.
He wouldn't miss a chance with this team.
He's worked too hard for it.
I don't know about that.
All I know is that he's not here.
Hey.
Move out there, will you? Pump those legs.
You're not in college any more.
- Look, these things happen, you know.
- Yes, but not to my cousin.
And what about Lemar Pruitt and Bubba? They were traveling with him.
Where are they? Well, they're all together.
They didn't show up either.
Didn't show up? You're telling me that you got a million bucks' worth of talent wandering around somewhere and you're trying to convince me that that's perfectly normal? I don't accept that.
Yeah, I've heard about you from Jimmie Joe.
You're a stuntman and some kind of a part-time cop.
Why don't you just let it lay for about a week? Let it lay? My cousin disappeared and you want me to forget about it? Trust me.
It'll be better for everyone concerned.
I care about those kids, too.
They'll be back.
No harm done.
But that's not good enough.
We're not talking about a borrowed lawnmower, you know.
Look, lay off me, pal.
I got a team out there that answers to this whistle.
You won't get past the line of scrimmage.
I think you're more worried about what I might do than the fact that you got three top players missing.
Hendricks.
Jones.
Fouts.
Come here.
Why don't you forget about this, huh? Everything's gonna be all right.
This gentleman doesn't realize that we're having a secret practice here.
- When did it become secret? - It just became secret.
You gotta go, fellow.
I just wanted to ask a couple of questions, fellows.
- What team are you a spy for? - I'm not a spy.
- Either way, you gotta go.
- Now, how is it gonna be, boy? As little as he is, we can probably spike him in the end zone from 50 yards.
Why don't you just center him to me for a punt? Come on, fellows, you wouldn't hit a civilian wearing a football, would you? I wouldn't.
They might.
$20 says I can throw him farther than you.
- You haven't paid me for the last guy yet.
- My chance to get even.
- Come on, guys, I don't want to play.
- This is your chance to play with the pros.
I think I'll wait for the bonus.
Hey! You got our football.
He throws a better spiral than you do.
You guys want to practice or are you figuring on another strike? Come on, let's get out there and work, huh? Come on, move, move.
Next time, throw out your own spies.
Marge, in my Rolodex there's a number of a Master Sgt Gleason, Golden Bluff, Texas.
Connect me, will you? (PHONE RINGING) Sgt Gleason here.
There's a man by the name of Colt Seavers who's gonna be Looking for Jimmie Joe, and he strikes me as the kind of man who's liable to find him.
Well, he'd better not.
Look, consider yourself lucky I was able to keep this incident and your players' names out of the papers.
The sheriff here is a hothead, and he'd just as soon throw them in jail forever, but I think I can keep a lid on it.
So you just keep your people away from here.
No press.
No fancy lawyers.
This is a small town.
We like to handle things our own way.
I'll take care of these other two guys, but I don't want to hear from anyone else out there.
You're gonna get them back in eight days in their same condition.
All right, we'll do it your way.
But I'm not responsible for Colt Seavers.
Good.
So, last year, when I visited Jimmie Joe and drove back to LA, I stopped for gas at Apache Valley, Golden Bluff and Dallas.
Now that's a start.
We can backtrack from there.
I mean, three big football players in a convertible had to have been noticed.
Three football players? Well, maybe I should go find them.
Hi, guys.
Find who? I haven't even told you yet.
- No.
- I haven't asked you anything yet, either.
You will, and it's still no.
Hi, this is Terri.
Any messages? No messages? Are you sure? Okay, okay, don't get upset.
I know, I know, you speak perfect English.
(SAYING GOODBYE IN JAPANESE) - Colt, please.
- No again.
I'll offer a maybe.
Maybe we should at least listen to her.
Why listen? I've got other things to do that are more important to me.
- I'm offering a lot of money.
- I'll take it.
But first I've got a family problem I've got to take care of.
Oh, I'm sorry, Colt, is there anything I can do to help? How much money did you bring along this time to bribe me with? -$1,000.
- Well, would you lend it to me? Colt, why don't you just earn it? You could solve both our problems.
Never mind, never mind.
I've got $80.
Well I'm good for about $60 more.
Yeah, well, I've got about $31.
Urn How much do you really need, Colt? $830 more.
Could make it an even thousand.
Let's get going.
GLEASON: Look, I know it wasn't your stuff, but the local sheriff don't.
Now, you gotta trust me to handle this to make you look good.
Sergeant, aren't you going to a whole lot of trouble just to win a football game? To you, it's a football game, to me, it's got to do with my future.
- Sure don't understand.
- You don't have to.
Your coach is doing me a little favor.
You and your friends are in my care for about a week.
You just train the team I got, and win the game.
Then you can sit back and think about your rosy future in professional football.
- Wilson.
- Yes, sir? Wilson, I've been looking over the profit margins at the NCO club.
Yes, sir.
I know it's not as high as it usually is, but I swear to you, sir, nobody's hand has been in the till.
The profits are down 20% over the month before.
That's money out of my pocket and yours, Corporal.
What kind of girls you got serving the drinks? Well, same as last month, sir.
Well, then, we're gonna need some new recruits.
We might even need a new corporal to run the NCO club.
Yes, sir.
Let's check out the bar.
I'm just gonna wash up first.
Save me a beer.
Well, they got plenty.
Don't worry, this is Texas.
(PHONE RINGING) All right, run that play again! See if you can keep from running into each other.
just keep working.
Sergeant Gleason here.
Yeah, that fellow Seavers, he's in town.
He's in the tavern.
Fine.
Now that we got our target located, it's just a matter of a proper plan of attack.
I suggest you use Sue Mae.
She's the best-looking camouflage you got.
Great.
Hey, if you're coming back this way, I could use a couple of beers and some conversation.
Yeah, well, we got plenty of beer.
Well, I just wanna (PHONE RINGING) Tavern.
Yeah, he's here now.
Okay, Sheriff.
Yeah, no problem.
Well, I got a little time for you now, stranger.
I just want to ask you about some friends of mine, may have come through here about three or four days ago.
You know, sometimes I got a good memory and sometimes I can't remember a thing.
Yeah, you know, I know just exactly what you mean.
I get spells like that myself.
Here.
Try this, it beats aspirin.
Beers are on the house.
Now, what did you want to know? Hi, y'all.
It's about my three friends.
They're athletes, professional football players.
Might've stopped in, got some gas, had a couple of beers.
- I just wanted to know if you'd seen them.
- Sure.
This is the easiest $20 I made all day.
Yeah, they were in here a couple of days ago and they had a big party.
Then they left.
Hey, are you one of them football players, too? - No, no, no.
- No? Yeah, I'll tell you, you ought to ask Sue Mae, because she was with them for quite a while.
Excuse me, miss.
My name is Colt.
Could I speak with you a few minutes at a table? Why not? I like looking at new faces.
My name is Sue Mae.
Well, I'd offer you a beer, but I'm not sure you're as old as you are pretty.
I'm older and know a lot more than you think, Colt, but I'll just sip on yours.
It makes it more intimate.
Sue Mae, better get on home to your pa.
You've got a lot of studying to do if you expect to graduate from high school.
Now, I don't know what they call girls her age where you come from, boy, but around here they're known as jailbait.
Well, where I come from, we call it "being had".
Come on, fellows, isn't there some way we can avoid this? Kind of had that feeling.
Hold it! And I mean hold it! Oh, that wasn't fair.
He said, "Hold it.
" There's one thing we don't put up with around here, troublemakers.
We haven't been charged yet, Terri, but the way things work around here, I'm sure it'll be something interesting.
You got our two troublemakers tucked away nice and safe? Sure have, Sheriff.
They're chained to the wall, sharing a phone call.
Well, they're entitled to a phone call, ain't they? When I say so.
Hey, now, did you get your lawyer on the phone? No, it's a bail bondswoman and a friend.
-"Bail bondswoman"? - Yeah.
Let me talk to her.
It might save us all a lot of grief.
Terri, I'm gonna put Sheriff Clemens on the phone, the arresting officer.
Before we have this conversation, Sheriff, let's agree that a prisoner has a right to know what he's being charged with.
Agreed, ma'am.
How does aiding and abetting a juvenile in Lewd and Lascivious Lifestyle sound? - Ridiculous.
- The? ax)"; '2' ah'.
Causing a riot in a public place, resisting arrest.
And that doesn't include the charges with his friend, Munson.
I'm not a friend, I'm a relative.
- Let's talk bail, Sheriff.
- Bail? There is no bail, ma'am.
These two have to appear in front of the county judge.
He's the only one that can set it.
That should take about a week.
- A week? - A week? We got a right to be charged now.
You call me back in about a week, I'll let you know what the bail is.
You can't keep us here a week.
- Well, now, that depends.
- On what? An Army sergeant and a football game.
What the heck's the Army got to do with this? I don't know what exactly to do about it.
I find that putting pressure on small-town law enforcement causes more grief than relief.
Well, you're just gonna let Colt sit it out in jail? No.
I intend to send someone down there to find out more about it.
Okay.
I'll catch a plane to Dallas, I'll rent a car and drive to Golden Bluff.
- I'll see what they got themselves into.
- All by yourself? - You want to come? - Yes, but I can't.
Well, I'll just have to take your credit card.
It'll be just like having you there.
Well, what am I gonna do for money? Use my credit card.
But be careful.
Okay.
Lock up when you go.
Kidnapping pro football players to win your game? Aren't you being a little heavy-handed? Even for you? It's "we", Clem.
It's "we".
Now, didn't I declare all your competitors off-limits? Didn't I put all your select spots on-limits? - Yeah, but you took - Listen, Clem, we're a monopoly.
You on the outside of the gates, me on the inside.
So why don't you just relax and let me get on with my work? What happened to the "we"? In spite of a nosy base commander, I have managed to accumulate a whole warehouse full of questionable material.
I cannot deal with the other Army bases unless I visit them.
I win the football game, and I become the representative for the whole western area.
I can make a tour of those bases, nobody to watch over me.
According to my computer, that's $608,000.
What's my cut? You'll get your usual fee for being a police escort.
This time I'll triple it.
- All right, let's see who can block, Bubba.
- Okay.
Set, hut! I don't know what you expect out of us, but this isn't much of a squad you gave us.
Well, we don't get the pick of the litter like we used to.
Set, hut! We're gonna play your game 'cause the coach told us to, but it doesn't mean we gotta like it.
It doesn't mean we gotta like you.
(CHUCKLES) Well, you got the rest of your life to hate me.
I just need you for a few more days to help me beat the enemy.
One, two, three, four! One, two, three, four! - How do we compare with all the rest? - We're number one, the very best.
- Who are these guys? - How do we march? - On the double.
-Where do we go? - Where there's trouble.
- The enemy, son.
The enemy.
- Sound off.
- One, two.
- Sound off.
- Three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four! You've heard of the Green Berets, haven't you? Well, these guys are called the Mean Berets.
Best damn soldiers the Army has ever trained.
Well then, why did you call them the enemy? 'Cause that is the team that you're playing, and this is the battlefield.
JODY: Hello? Colt? Howie? You don't know either of us.
You're not looking for us.
You never saw us, okay? - Can I help you with anything? - No.
Yes.
(TEXAN ACCENT) Yes.
Yes, you can, Deputy.
Herman, ma'am.
Call me Herman.
Jody Banks.
Pleased to meet you.
I just got into town, and, you know, it's too early for bed, so I thought I'd get a little nightcap.
Well, I thought I'd better come here and ask an officer of the law where the safest place is for a girl like me to get a drink.
Well, I'll tell you, a lady as pretty as you are, ought not to be drinking in a bar all by herself.
I'd be mighty honored to buy you one.
Well, there's a tavern right down the street, within walking distance, and, well, I get off duty in 10 minutes.
Of course, if the tavern's not to your liking, I know a roadhouse has live music.
I got my pickup truck right there in the back.
Back? You mean behind that wall right there? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, I'll be waiting right out there.
(EXCITED SIGH) Colt? Colt? Colt? Where's your tool kit? There's some hand tools in the side compartment.
Okay.
Hi.
I sure didn't mean to keep you waiting this long.
Oh, well, I don't mind.
You know, I kept myself busy.
Listen, why don't we just walk on down the street about a block? We can have ourselves a drink, and my apartment's right around the corner from the tavern.
Oh, well, normally I wouldn't mind, Herman, but I think I'd much rather drive to that roadhouse you told me about.
You know, I'm thinking of settling down here and I might want to find a job over there.
Well, I think that's great.
You know, I like having you around.
You know, I bet I could even get you hooked up with a job at the Army base.
Now that Sgt Gleason, he's always looking for pretty girls for hostesses.
And the money's real good.
You know, my brother had a truck just like this, and it would do a quarter of a mile in eight seconds.
Eight seconds? Shoot.
That's walking.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
What the hell? - Good work, Deputy.
Thanks a lot.
- Hey! - Great driving, Deputy.
- On second thought, I think I'll walk.
But wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! Where you 96"â)? How'd you do that? I switched the linkage on his transmission lever.
- You're sensational.
- I'm rich, too.
I've got Terri's credit card.
- Well, now, even I never pulled that one off.
- Well, it takes practice.
- So, what do you have in mind? - Well, the Army base.
I gotta get in there.
Colt, I passed it on the way in.
It's got an 8-foot electrical fence.
Okay, here's what we try for.
You'll be doing a marathon drive, but I think you can do it.
You gotta make Dallas and back tonight.
There's a studio there.
I want you to contact a man named Harry Thomason.
Tell him I'll need Big Bertha and a mounting platform.
In the morning, stop at the Army surplus store.
Pick up a couple of sets of Army fatigues.
You got that? I got it.
Are you gonna really try and get on that Army base? No, we are.
Youâve just been drafted.
- Okay.
All set.
- It's a wonder we won the war.
- I'd rather be in the Navy.
- Well, you'd just get seasick.
Are you so sure that Jimmie Joe is on that base? Well, he's not in the town jail.
The Sheriff did offer us a deal with Sgt Gleason.
It all adds up.
Well, even if he is there, what can we do? Well, we're gonna end run him right out of there.
700 pounds.
just right.
- Howie, where are you? Howie? Howie? - Colt.
Up here.
How'd you get up there with 700 pounds? 700? I thought you said 1,100.
Would you come on down? This is Price.
We've got two intruders in Sector 3.
Request assistance.
Colt! Come out of that ditch! COLT: Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
We surrender.
There's easier ways to do things, fellows.
You could have just enlisted.
- Hey, Colt.
What are you doing here? - Well, I was looking for you.
Now, what the hell are you doing in that football gear? I'm not exactly sure, but I talked to Coach Huey and he said to go along with this for a week or so.
Go along with what? You just worry less about your cousin and more about your own problems.
Sergeant.
Sergeant, look, we might have a chance to play a decent game after all.
You see, Colt here played quarterback in college for three years.
He was headed for the pros, but, well, he had a bad knee.
- So? - So, look, this is a chance at something that I always wanted.
You get yourself a quarterback, and I finally get to play on the same team with Colt.
- What about him? - Who? Howie? Now, Howie's all right, but, you see, Howie's a Munson and not a Seavers.
- And glad of it.
- Hey, now don't be pushing me.
I'm warning you.
Don't you All right.
All right.
You go on back to the practice field.
- You two stand fast.
- All right.
What is he doing here? And what's all this about a football game? Well, him and his friends got arrested for trespassing on an Army base with a bag of drugs.
Come on, I don't believe that.
Well, maybe Jimmie Joe didn't have anything to do with it, but I could sure make a good case against all of them.
Of course, there'd be a lot of publicity.
You can either get a lawyer or you can play football for me.
Symbolically speaking, the ball is now in your hands.
Thirty-six.
Hup one.
Hup two.
Hup three.
Come on, guys.
Come on.
Try it again.
Count of three.
That's it.
Hup one, hup.
- Thirty-six.
Hup one, hup two.
- Come on, Mike, snap it on one.
We can't play without the ball.
Hup one, hup two.
Come on, guys, block! Okay, guys, gather up.
Like the enthusiasm.
I can't say I like the practice.
It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good.
A little more hard work, and I think we can get it together.
Here comes the enemy.
(CHANTING) - How do we march? - On the double.
- Where do we go? - Where there's trouble.
- That's the team we're supposed to play? - That's the team.
- One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four! - One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four! About face! Jumping jacks.
Ready.
Begin.
- I'm too young to die.
Hell, I'm too old to die.
All right, that's it, fellows.
You don't expect this bunch to play them, do you? Play them? I expect you to beat them.
You got it? Keep it up.
One, two - What you doing? Keep it up.
join the ranks.
- Captain? You come to offer me a forfeit? No, Sergeant.
I was going to suggest a cancellation.
I don't like to see soldiers injured for no reason.
You've got a few flashy players on your team, but they don't stand a chance.
Where'd these guys come from, anyway? We're re-processing them out of japan.
Don't worry, the game will go off as scheduled.
- There's no reason for it.
- There is a reason for it.
I want to go on this tour as much as you do.
Well, I want it for the sake of the service and the sport.
Knowing you, I doubt if your motives are as pure.
Maybe some of your officers and gentlemen aren't so pure either, sir.
- I may cancel this game.
- Go ahead.
I'll claim a forfeit and I'll go on the tour anyway.
We'll play.
Dismissed.
Well, you heard enough to know one thing.
Yeah, that the Captain has good taste in his judgement of men.
Funny.
But you better win this game or you and your relatives will be missing in action.
Captain Jones has got a thing for my scalp.
So, I don't want the goods on the base any longer than they have to be.
-Win or lose, we gotta move them.
- Well, you ready for another? Well, now that is what I call pretty.
- What's your name, girl? - Well, you can call me Jody, Sergeant.
Pretty name, too.
Well, Jody, you know the rules and the cut you get, so if you swivel around a lot, you can make a nice dollar for both of us.
Well, I'll be sure to do that, Sergeant.
Sure, we can out-pizzazz them for a quarter or two, but sooner or later they're gonna figure out all we got is a four-man team.
- Five.
- Four and a half.
It's you and me, Jimmie Joe.
It's gonna happen.
- You don't see me leaving town.
- Hey, I don't see anybody leaving town.
Will you two cool it till I find you a friendlier place to fight in? Now, I can only handle one problem at a time, and that's figuring out a game plan and then an escape plan.
- Okay, what'll it be, boys? - Beer.
- The same.
- What are you doing here? Listen, I got to talk to you.
Corner, by the slots.
- Want me to come along? - No, stay here.
Okay.
Don't ask a lot of questions, but besides watering the whiskey, Gleason, that sergeant over there, they've offered me everything from Swiss watches to Japanese cameras.
Tax-free and wrapped in brown paper.
They seem to have quite a business going.
But why kidnap football players? - Maybe they're looking for endorsements.
- I wish I was in the mood to laugh.
- Who's the guy with Gleason? - Oh, he's one of his salesmen.
He offered me French champagne and Cuban cigars.
Can you give me some cover with the MPs? I want to keep an eye on that guy.
- What do you want me to do? - Use our game plan, dazzle them.
Nobody appreciates an IQ any more.
Oh, boys, I need to use this telephone right over here.
Can you give me some spare change? Thirty-six.
Hup one.
Thirty-six.
Hup one.
Hup two.
Hup three.
They're finally starting to look like a team out there.
Maybe for a high school or a junior college team.
Gleason ought to be put in jail for booking this game.
Yeah, Gleason ought to be put in jail for a lot of reasons.
Yeah, we gotta report him to the authorities.
Great statement, jimmy Schmo.
Gleason is the authorities.
It's jimmy Joe, not jimmy Schmo.
- That's debatable at best.
- Hey, I'll Come on.
You know, if we had a half a dozen guys that would fight like these two, -we'd win against the All-Stars.
- I believe that.
But it doesn't change our situation.
Sometime before we finish this game, we've got to finish Gleason.
- Come on, we can't win that game.
- Maybe.
But at least we can try to beat Gleason.
- How do we do it? - Well, now that I got a team, I guess I gotta come up with a game plan.
ANNOUNCER: Hello again, everybody, this is Chick Hearn, and this afternoon's football broadcast is being aired closed-circuit to all military bases in the southern district.
And this announcer would like to apologize.
It has been his Colt, we're gonna need some splints and crutches.
Well, think positive.
Settle for Band-Aids and iodine.
Okay, the only chance we got is to score first, fast and keep scoring.
We're receiving.
We'll run the kickoff to the left, reverse to Jimmie Joe.
a calculator to keep track of the score -that will be run up by the Mean Berets - Yes, sh.
-.
.
.
against Golden Bluff - Let's go get them.
- Okay, let's go.
-has been given to both teams, they come out on a good day for football.
There's no wind, maybe just a little bit warm, if anything.
- I know what my deal is if you win the game.
-The toss has been won by Golden Bluffâ - What happens if you lose? -and they have elected to receive.
I don't lose.
We lose.
but each one seems to have a special intent on the ball game.
Number 20 will do the kicking.
His name is Jackson.
Those to receive: Number 33, Lemar Pruitt, and Number 45, Colt Seavers.
There's the run-up on the kick.
And they're on their way.
Jackson got a lot of toe in that one.
He takes I': down to about the 18-yard line.
Hey.
There's a cross-back.
Handing the ball off to Colt Seavers.
Hey, what the After passing the ball to Number 84, Jimmie Joe Seavers.
Gotta talk to you, Captain.
Here? Now? I don't have time to call ahead for an appointment.
A good block thrown by Bubba Steinberg.
Go! Go! There are more important things, like your Sgt Gleason running a prison camp on this base.
He's not my Sgt Gleason.
- You just cost me a touchdown.
- Yeah.
I'll be back on the next end sweep.
and now Golden Bluff leading 7-0.
The kickoff.
Bolger kicks that ball high and far.
Jackson, Number 20, heads to the 9.
He's up to the 15, the 20.
He cuts back across the gridiron, and he gets all the way out to about the 52-yard line.
It's third and short.
Good block! Number 44, the fullback Williams, has the ball.
He cuts back, and it's a free run of 16 yards for the score.
Hup one.
Hup two.
Down at 6, Number 45, Colt Seavers.
He wants to go to Howie Munson.
He's got him at the 6.
- All right! - All right! The Berets' Jackson sweeps to the right and cuts back to pick up four yards.
Oh, he's down on the 27.
All right, guys, I need to talk to the Captain again.
- Quick pitch left on two.
Ready? - Break.
in the backfield and he seems to have the attention of all his teammates.
He'll go this time on a short run, we think.
- Hut two.
Hut three.
-7'he same as he did in the first quarter.
The ball is back to Munson, who leads the left side.
You better tell me what you want before you kill me.
- I want you as a witness.
- To what? You steamrolling me? Getting Gleason.
I got a plan.
When I put it into effect, I want you to follow it and see what goes down.
Then I want you to take whatever action you want.
Iadies and gentlemen, than we thought we would have for you.
Anything that'll muzzle Gleason is okay with me.
We're coming back for the second quarter, and we know that you're going to enjoy it.
I apologize for the beginning of the broadcast, because this is a much better football game - I think it's time for Howie to get injured.
- Good.
Hey, hey.
Come on, save it.
Sprint right pass, on two.
were swatting at each other.
I don't know what that's all about.
Munson splits out to the right side.
Pruitt's in the slot.
- Colt Seavers in the back.
- Hut one.
Hut two.
Is he going to the air? Yes, he is.
He's looking for Munson.
He hits him.
A very nice pass.
- MUNSON: My Leg! - Yeah, I think he? hurt over there.
Looks like a leg injury for Munson.
- Get in there.
- And Munson is a very valuable mg in the lineup of the Golden Bluff 11, as you well know.
Number 81 is going to come in to replace him.
Boy, there is a tough break for Golden Bluff, it Munson can't get back into the contest.
You better heal quick, boy.
I need you back in the game.
Gets a little bit of a pep talk, I guess, over on the far sideline.
-1 can'? hear what the man's saying, but - Come on! Come on! - Munson gets up.
- Let's go.
Hut one.
Hut two.
Hut.
Hut.
Colt Seavers jumps back into the pocket.
He throws to Pruitt.
It's complete.
He's hit.
It pops in the air and it's picked off.
Number 41, Weaver, has it and he is finally hit and pulled down at the 55.
- Have you got anything spotted? - Well, there's a half-track.
- Can you drive one? - That's an armored personnel carrier.
I took two years of ROTC at the University of - Okay.
- What about those two guys? YOU got a plan? From the enemy 40-yard line, it's Jackson back to throw.
Behind the defenders, it's Number 34.
He's got him at the six.
He's in for a touchdown! (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me.
Hey! Come back with that truck.
Hey! Where you going with that? Come back here! Bring that truck back! Come here! Hey! Hey! 28-27, Golden Bluff in the dark-blue jerseys, 20 seconds left.
Hey, watch this.
It's an onside kick.
Lucas was lined up to kick, Bolger stepped in front and kicked the ball.
How lucky, or whatever you want to call it, can Golden Bluff be? Their man, Number 46, Gordon, recovered the ball.
Okay, guys, this is the one we've been looking for.
- Let's play give-away on two.
Ready? - Ready.
Give me a hand.
it's unbelievable.
Col': Seavers, the quarterback, and he's going to have to look for the big play here or give up the football.
He's distracted momentarily by a military vehicle appearing in the gridiron.
Hup one, hup two.
Colt Seavers gives the ball back to Jimmie Joe.
He fires to Lemar Pruitt, who throws the other way.
It's complete.
Then it goes to Colt Seavers, and he takes it in.
I don't believe it.
He took it in for an intentional safety.
And that means the Mean Berets have won the football game.
The score is 29-28.
Yes, only 100 people here, but every one of them -with a glazed look on his or her face.
- Come on.
Wilson, inflow us.
- Let's go, men.
-no one 1?? his right mind would ever throw the ball back to the enemy territory, knowing they would lose the game.
But they did.
That's exactly what happened, ladies and gentlemen, and unless you were here to see it, you could never believe it.
The final score is Mean Berets 29-28.
Squad tars are whistling out of here now, fol[owed b y jeeps.
Next they'll have tanks, I think.
But no thanks to who won the game.
All right.
Arrest them.
Yeah, for what? Destroying stolen government property? - You'll never leave here.
- You will, Sgt Gleason.
If this material is what I think it is, you'll be spending the rest of your tour of duty in Leavenworth.
- Well, all right! - Have some champagne, Jimmie Joe.
Hey, hey! (GRUNTS) When these fellows are finished, I'd kind of like to have my carrier back.
Yeah, well, I'd be patient, Captain.
This could last for a while.
BUBBA: Come on, boy, lean into it.
You're supposed to have muscles in those arms.
Which one are you talking to, Bubba? I'll yell at the other one.
Howie, get your elbow on the table.
- Jimmie Joe, back in your chair.
- Hey, a beer? Why not? I'm supposed to be in training.
You got any milk? Well, Colt's never in the house long enough to keep it fresh.
- Come on, have a beer.
-just remember, I was forced.
At least they can't throw you in the stockade for it.
But then, you could tip glasses with your Sgt Gleason.
Hey, that place ought to thin him down a little.
You know, I'd love to buy his golf cart, though.
- Think he'd do business with me? - No, but Sheriff Clemens would.
He's going to need a load of cash to pay for his lawyers, and he don't have a job no more.
Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.
You need a brain to concentrate.
I have a special prize for the winner.
I did it! I won! That proves who's superior.
- Did she say what I thought she said? - Relax, kid.
She just baked a cake.
- A cake? - A cake.