The Good Place (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

1 [TRAIN RUMBLES.]
You all right there, chief? You look like you lost your lucky bookmark or something.
Oh, no.
Did I? It's fine.
Got it right here.
It's just that now that we're actually on the train, heading to Bad Place Headquarters, this plan is starting to feel slightly completely insane.
This is the only way to get to the Judge? I'm afraid so.
Yes.
See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place.
The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse.
There's also an IHOP.
Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.
Sorry.
In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes.
" You don't really eat these pancakes.
It's more like they eat you.
Okay.
I'll get eggs, then.
So the only way to get to the Judge is through a portal, which is smack-dab in the middle of the main office at Bad Place Headquarters.
And the only way through the portal is with one of these.
What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters.
It's just some jewelry I don't have.
- Can I have it? - These pins are very hard to come by.
Only upper management types have them.
So you guys will lay low while I get us four more.
Janet doesn't need one, because for portals, she counts as a carry-on.
I'm luggage.
I had Janet make you each a Bad Place disguise.
And everyone who worked in the neighborhood has been sent back to their previous department.
So the chances of you being recognized are very small.
I don't know.
This plan seems complicated.
To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
They don't make sense.
Apples, you eat their clothes.
But oranges you don't? Forget this plan! I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and [WHOOSHES.]
run through the portal.
I think we should go with Michael's plan.
I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work.
Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
He makes a strong case.
Okay, now, you're all going to need aliases.
Cool.
I'm gonna be Diana Tremaine.
That was the name on my fake ID in high school.
Her address was 123 Whatever Street, Canada City, Canada.
Arizona bouncers are the best.
Character work! Such fun.
I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university.
Although mostly I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann just threw glitter on me.
Ooh, I shall be Rhonda Mumps.
And I work down at the hot dog factory.
You need to be more specific.
There are nine hot dog torture departments.
Making people into, stuffing people with Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun.
Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans? Yes.
Throats.
I know what my secret identity is.
You cannot be Blake Bortles.
- Fine.
Then I'll be Jake - Don't say Jortles.
Jortles! And I work in the Molotov cocktail department.
Boy, you know, I thought you guys would be more worried about this.
We've been knee-deep in demons for, like, 800 reboots now.
Lying about who we are is second nature.
Chidi? I hate this.
I hate lying.
It's not permissible.
- I can't do this.
- Oh, boy.
Jeez Louise! Looks like Chidi has a real case of the Mondays, am I right? Hey, pass the NASCAR ketchup.
Hey, buddy.
Look if you don't want to lie because it conflicts with your moral principles, I get it.
No one's gonna be mad at you.
- Really? - No, dumbass! I'm lying to you to make you feel better.
See? Sometimes lying is awesome.
[GASPS.]
Plus I said dumbass.
Oh, cursing.
How I've missed you.
Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a judge who is going to judge us.
What if I lie down here and I lose 12 points, and then we get in front of the Judge, and I'm 12 points short? Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all because we lied to get there? Kant says that lying is always wrong, and I follow that maxim.
So you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man.
We're behind enemy lines! Well, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose when you're going to follow them.
I won't lie about who I am.
Okay.
I understand, and I'm cool with it.
You're lying right now, aren't you? Yes.
I want to strangle you.
What even is this thing? I hate suits.
They remind me of court and going to court and being my own lawyer against the advice of the judge in court and getting immediately convicted in court.
I think you look nice.
I think you look sexy.
Here, I got you this to help your disguise.
Whoa, a briefcase? Take my credit card to the hedge fund.
I'll meet you at the martini store.
Oh, you're gonna get caught.
Give me the briefcase back.
- Thanks.
- Aww.
Janet, you need to get in character too.
Now I know you look like a Bad Janet, but can you act like one? I have gained a lot of new skills recently.
For example, I learned how to be passive-aggressive.
Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed.
- Oh! - Let's practice.
I'm going to make a simple request, and you're going to give me that patented Bad Janet attitude.
Can I have a glass of water? Here you go! Nope.
Let's try again.
Be mean.
Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water? No.
I would never give you that, you dumb person.
Janet, what's that behind your back? - Nothing.
- Give it to me.
It's a glass of water.
And a back-up glass.
Oh, boy.
It's okay.
We'll keep working.
We're here.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
All trains today are delayed by three hours, just like they are every day.
All passengers, you all suck, and you're ugly.
Keep walking.
Keep your heads down.
- And you are ugly.
- Just act unnatural.
Hey, guys.
Sorry, you wait here, while I go get us some more of these pins.
But what is this place? It's just a place.
You know.
An area or location.
- It's pretty straightforward.
- The Museum of Human Misery? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
It's a torture museum.
Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.
Is there a gift shop? Jason, this is Hell.
Of course there's a gift shop.
It's the least horrifying room.
It's the Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness.
First person to floss in an open plan office? [MANNEQUINS WHIRRING.]
Well, she deserves to be tortured.
She's a monster.
This was the safest place I could think of.
No one ever comes in here.
Guys, if you do leave this room, you're gonna see things that will haunt you for eternity.
Okay.
Back soon.
Bye! Hey! Hey! Be careful, okay? Be careful? Yeah.
Oh.
Eleanor, are you worried about me? Yeah.
I'm worried.
I mean 'cause you're our ticket out of here, genius.
Don't go getting all goopy on me.
Worry about them.
I'll be fine.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
"First man to send an unsolicited picture of his genitals.
" [MANNEQUIN WHIRRING.]
[ROBOTIC CACKLING.]
"First waiter to approach a diner with an empty plate and sarcastically say, 'I guess you hated it.
'" "First white person to grow dreadlocks.
" And "First person to call Ultimate Frisbee 'Ultimate.
'" This dude rules! All right, everyone.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall? Why don't you roll off your mom and do it yourself, you fat dink? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Set up more of those tables.
We're expecting a big crowd.
You got it, you piece of butt.
Son of a bitch! Still happy I can swear now, but everything else about this is very bad! [TYPEWRITERS CLICKING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, boss.
I'm back.
Welcome home.
Axe up.
Oh! New scent! "Transformers!" Yes.
It makes you smell the way "Transformers" movies make you feel.
Still can't believe those jagoffs got away from us.
- Really zips my tip.
- Yeah.
Anyway I drew up some extradition papers to get them back from Mindy's.
I think I'll take a few of my most trusted staff, hop in the portal, file those with the Judge, quick stop for pancakes, and then I'll head on back.
By the way, I'm gonna need four pins for my crew.
This is very thorough.
However Is that where we're putting top priority files nowadays? We won't need extradition papers.
Plans are already in motion to get the humans back in a different way.
Ah.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
Oh, man.
This is not good.
This is not good! All right.
Well, we can't just stand here in a group.
It looks too conspicuous.
I'll go with Tahani.
Chidi, go with Jason.
That way, Jason's unearned confidence lets him do all the talking, and you don't have to lie.
Okay? Come on, Diana, let's hit the bar.
I'm gonna get me a tall glass of piping hot corn syrup and a scooter, so I can roll around the mall.
- That's really good.
- Thank you.
Hors d'oeuvre? Oh, what do you got? Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas, Hawaiian pizza of course, and egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan.
Have a terrible evening.
No way! Trent, is that you? Who else could it be? Come on, dab it out.
Boom boom! 'Sup? I'm Chet.
Jake is my name, Molotov cocktail is my game.
I think school is lame, I got a tattoo of David Blaine.
- What? - Ooh! Tight! Ball tap! Oh, dude.
Ball tap! Oh! That was a firm ball tap, bro.
Anyway, your boy Trent and I worked together in partial decapitations.
When'd you leave decap? 800 years ago? Something like that.
I just joined a new department.
Toxic Masculinity.
We torture internet trolls, frat dudes.
Actually started as a training program to prep for when the "Girls Gone Wild" dude gets here.
- Joe Francis.
- The one.
Legend! Bro-hams! Get over here and meet my top dog Trent.
Dude's a straight beast when it comes to torture.
- 'Sup, bro? - It's actually pretty choice that we're running into you right now.
My top dog Dirk here, he got stuck with a new case.
He can't crack it.
Hit them with it, D-Money.
So I'm trying to torture this guy, right? Brant? Brant was a total lord.
He got kicked off of Rob Gronkowski's party cruise for throwing a lobster at a stripper.
And then he died doing a keg stand in the back of a moving Jeep Wrangler.
Anyways, we run a couple hundred torture scenarios.
None of them seem quite right, you know? Think we can get you to crack this nut? Well, I mean, how could I say no? We all know how I would say no.
You know I'd be all like, "No!" - But you know I can't.
- So weird, Trent, man.
You're always so weird.
Love that about you.
Don't get me wrong, I love shoving hot dogs into people, but once you've dogged every hole, you just start to feel like you're repeating yourself.
I hear that, sister.
I'm gonna go take a dump.
- You want me to grab you one? - No, I'm good.
Thanks.
- Not even a little nug? - Nah, I'm a'ight.
A'ight.
Damn, you're good at this.
Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying.
Like, "No, you're whole thing isn't exhausting at all.
" Hi there, you big stinky poop face guys.
Ugh.
It's me, Good Janet.
I'm sorry I called you big stinky poop face guys.
That's okay.
Janet, can you dig around a little bit and find out what this event is and how long it's gonna last? I'd love to punch your teeth.
Hey.
Hi.
Teeth.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
What's all this? Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch.
So I sent a black ops team to Mindy's to extract them.
Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed in Mindy's neighborhood.
You can't do that, Shawn.
It's illegal! Oh, no.
Guys, Michael says this is illegal.
I hadn't thought of that.
[LAUGHTER.]
That was sarcasm.
I had thought of that.
Listen.
Your experiment blew up in our faces.
The example I made out of Vicky ensured that everybody from the neighborhood has kept their mouths shut.
But we're not out of the woods until those four are back in custody.
So I rounded up some loyal friends and took matters into my own hands.
Relax, Mike.
This will all be over soon, and we can all head down to the Museum.
- The Museum? - Yes.
Your neighborhood Our neighborhood is being immortalized for its success.
It's all going to work out.
I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason.
I can only fail up.
[BUZZER SOUNDS.]
The team is in place.
Let's do this.
Hey.
Hi.
So, um, those bro demons over there think I'm some kind of great torturer.
And they want my advice on how to torture someone.
Jason is stalling by ranking MMA ring girls with them, but I have to do something.
Eleanor, you're wearing glasses now.
Help me! You know the answer, dude.
Lie your ass off.
If Rhonda can do it, you can.
You know once I shoved a hot dog right down the throat of the legendary John Wayne.
She even name drops in Hell.
No! I told you lies have consequences! I will have contributed to someone's eternal torture because I disobeyed a basic Kantian moral principle! I'm gonna be sick, and I don't want to go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet, and that makes you really confront what you're doing! Okay.
Okay.
Sit down.
Take a breath.
Rub your lucky bookmark.
Hear me out.
What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? - Like Jonathan Dancy says.
- Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that.
You read on your own? You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun? Look.
Moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation.
Like, let's say you promised your friend you'd go to the movies.
But then your mom suddenly gets rushed to the ER.
Your boy Kant would say never break a promise.
Go see "Chronicles of Riddick.
" Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet.
- Real example? - Yep! But a moral particularist like me I'm one now; I just decided would say there's no absolute rule.
You have to choose your actions based on the particular situation and right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation.
I don't think I can change what I believe just like that! And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal Hell, lecturing my teacher/ex-lover about moral particularism, but life throws you curveballs, bro! And need I remind you it was doing things your way that made you end up here.
Man, get back over there, dog.
Damn, you got that good stank.
Thanks.
Right back at you, bud.
Smash you later.
Let's roll.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
Hey, butt ass.
Butt ass.
How long is this stupid event supposed to last, anyway? They're unveiling the exhibit in ten minutes, then everyone will get drunk and poke each other with hot sticks, and then it'll be over.
Farts.
Uh-oh.
Bad Janet, walkie-talkie mode.
Now entering Mindy St.
Claire's house.
This is so exciting! I hope everyone gets hurt! Living room's clear.
Entering the bedroom.
- Oh, yeah! - Ow.
Oh, God! This feels so weird! Here we go! Oh, do some coke off my butt.
Wait! What whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you guys? Oh, friends! Hi, I'm Derek! Where are the humans? And who is Derek? Me is Derek.
These are my wind chimes.
- [WIND CHIMES CHIMING.]
- Uh-oh! My wind chimes like you.
The only people here are Mindy St.
Claire and an unknown male with a genital deformity.
The four humans are not here.
Where is Michael? Oh, boy! Oh, boy! - Hey there, Mike! - Hey, Lance.
Looking good, buddy.
You lose some weight? [CHUCKLES.]
I wish.
Listen up, people.
We need to find Michael, and we need to be discreet.
You, search from the spastic dentistry department down through disembowelment.
You, cover children's dance recitals through holiday weekend IKEA.
Go.
Hey, hey! Found him! Just bird-dogging some tail.
What you got for me, Trent? Well, peep this, dog.
You really want to torture this dirtbag? You give him books.
I'm serious.
This one time I was assigned this a chick that I had to torture, and I just couldn't figure it out.
And then I realized she hated books, so I just gave her mad books to read, round the clock.
Books like exploded? No, no, no.
They were just you know regular moral philosophy books.
You know everyone hates moral philosophers.
That is true.
And I know it's wild, but you know sometimes you gotta think outside the bun.
- Ah! Sick Taco Bell ref.
- Very nice.
But I don't know, man.
Sounds kind of lame.
This guy's the best, really? Yeah, maybe I don't know what I'm talking ball tap! - Oh! - Oh! Ohh! That's what you get for questioning Trent, the torture master! He got you so bad! Yeah, he did.
He did.
Nice job, bro.
All right, you've convinced me.
I'll give him books.
Hey, you two.
Get your ugly necks over here.
Guys, I found something very bad.
We have to get out of here right now.
All right, everybody.
Gather 'round.
Gather 'round.
This is the moment we've all been waiting for.
- What do we do? - Just don't draw attention.
Whatever this is, it'll be over in a second, and we can sneak out the door.
Feast your eyes on the newest exhibit here at the Museum of Human Misery! The residents of neighborhood 12358W! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh no! Is that what they think my hair looks like? This game-changing experiment chose four humans and had them torture each other.
It's already led to major breakthroughs in the future of our industry.
Now, obviously, we couldn't get the actual four idiots as they're off being tortured, so we cooked up the next best thing.
- Want to meet them? - ALL: Yes! I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way.
[LAUGHTER.]
I have, actually.
It's remarkable.
It's remarkable! [LAUGHTER.]
I'm Chidi Anagonye, or maybe I'm not.
I can't decide anything.
Or maybe I can.
Aww.
I can't decide.
My stomach hurts.
[LAUGHTER.]
What? They kind of nailed it.
I've heard you say all that stuff.
I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.
I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me.
That's fair.
That's a fair hit.
I'm Jason Mendoza.
Duh That's me.
Hey.
Where have you been? Oh, how do you smell loud and confusing? No time to explain.
We gotta go.
I got the travel pins! Yo! That looks like my boy Trent! And isn't that Rhonda Mumps? - Come on! - There he is.
And he's got the humans with him.
All right, let's just back up here.
- What do we do? - This! Jortles! Go! Hey, Eleanor.
Thanks for the advice.
It was really helpful, even though I had to say a lot of words I don't like, like douche, and chick, and peep this Okay, great! No problem, I'm just kind of focused - on running right now.
- Right, sorry! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Here.
Put the pins on your lapels.
Okay, okay.
You didn't give me a pin, man.
I don't have one! - Okay.
Okay.
Hang on.
Hang on! - Wait.
Where's Janet? No time to wait for her.
You three go now.
Now! [PORTAL WHOOSHES.]
[PORTAL WHOOSHES.]
- Portals! - [PORTAL WHOOSHES.]
- Any day now, man.
- Hey! Hey, guess what? I just solved the trolley problem.
Remember? The thought experiment where you're driving the trolley, and you can either plow into a group of people or turn and hit one person? I solved it.
That's really great.
But I don't think now's the time.
See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die.
And the actual solution is very simple.
- Sacrifice yourself.
- What does that mean? You look after the others.
- They need you.
- No.
Step away from the portal! - Good-bye, Eleanor.
- No, no.
Wait, wait! Hey, boss.
What's up?