The Great North (2021) s02e10 Episode Script

1 - Look up there - What do you see? Nature and stuff - Like a rock - And a tree Oh, the Great North Way up here, you can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North.
Glad we went with this hefty green boy.
Yeah.
Real trees have curves.
We need the branch strength.
My handmade, nondenominational holiday orbs are pretty heavy.
Physically and emotionally.
I know Christmas is only two days away, but I was just waiting for him to get to 14 feet.
The perfect height for human or Christmas tree.
At my current rate of growth, I'll be 20 feet when I'm 35.
Spruce Springsteen is looking very handsome.
Oh, heck yeah.
I'd let it happen.
- What does that mean? - Come on, Honeybee.
- This tree is smokin'.
- When you're right, you're right.
Your gingerbread village is already looking cute.
Do you do this every year, Ham? Nope.
Longtime eater, first-time builder.
Every Christmas, the cake lady, which is me, builds a display for the Maude's All-Day front window.
I'm calling this the "It Tastes a Village Lone Moose Christmas Gingerbread Village Ham-stravaganza.
" I love a long title, like "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe.
" They could've just called it "Vegetable Diner," but instead she took it to the limit.
Huh.
I must be nervous about making this.
I feel a little dizzy.
- Honeybee, may I have a word? - What's up? Is this a side conversation or a panic room conversation? I'm not quite panicked yet, so let's have it just outside the panic room.
Christmas is my favorite holiday.
I love everything about it the lights, the food, ignoring the religious part because I'm not religious.
And I pride myself on getting everyone the perfect present.
But your brother Jerry, he's a bit of a mystery to me.
I went to all of my favorite stores, and I wound up with this.
Beef, my brother owns four sweatshirts and a desktop computer.
Why would you get him that? I guess he could use it to break his computer.
I just don't know what Jerry likes.
He's a quiet fellow and I'm a quiet fellow, so I don't have a lot of information.
And you want me to tell you what to get him so you don't have to get out of your shell - and talk to him more.
- Uh yes.
Beef, take him out to dinner.
Dinner with an adult I don't know that well? Terrifying, but I'm willing to try it if it'll help me secure a good gift for Jerry.
Tonight, I will invite him to a friendship dinner.
I'll make it steaks so we're chewing a lot and there won't be as much pressure to talk.
There you go.
Diondra Tundra reporting live.
The 12 Days of Lone Moose are well underway.
Today featured the fishnog tasting and the lighting of the womenorah at the feminist bookstore Desperately Reading Susan.
And tomorrow, the unveiling of the Gingerbread village in the window at Maude's All-Day.
Ham, are you feeling okay? Am I feeling okay? Yep.
Lone Moose is counting on me, so I have to be feeling okay.
Just one quick question: has this kitchen island always been here? - Hi, Beef.
- Hello there to you, Jerry.
Um, are you just coming from a gig? Oh, no.
I walked, and I wore my costume to keep warm.
You mind if I stash it in your van? Course, the van's just out front there.
I don't like to wear it while I'm eating.
I learned my lesson at Saucy Wings.
The dry cleaning bill was hundreds of dollars.
Well - Well.
- Well.
So it looks like they have baked potatoes.
Or salad for just $5.
95.
Mmm, this is good soup.
And the soup spoons are just the right depth.
I love this table.
Nice.
So, what do you like to do when you're not Bigfooting? Well, I usually play computer games with some online friends.
And right now we're playing Super Ranch Hands Seven, and I earned the trust of Alan the pony today.
What are your favorite computer games, Beef? - Absolutely none.
- Oh.
Okay.
I tried Minesweeper once, but it was so stressful that I returned the computer to the store.
- I'm more of an outdoor person.
- Hmm.
So, Jerry, have you looked around town at any of Lone Moose's stores for Christmas presents? No, I'm not much of a shopper.
Well, if you were in Fresno for Christmas, wh Oh, if I was in Fresno for Christmas, I'd be working the holiday sale at my parents' curtain store in the morning, and then it'd be time for Christmas dip.
- I love dip.
What kind - Hold that thought.
We got beef, Beef.
Okay, that part's done.
Now I'm just gonna lay on the floor to gather my strength.
Ham, you're burning up.
How could I be burning up if I'm also freezing cold? Okay, bud, you are definitely sick.
Let's get you into that comfy chair.
Oh, but who's gonna complete the gingerbread village? It won't be Christmas without it.
I can just see the children of Lone Moose.
Their faces pressed up against the window, crying.
Their tears freeze their faces to the glass.
And the grizzly bears get word and go to Maude's and eat all the kids.
Is that what you want for Christmas? Is it? Ham, you're not making any sense, friend.
- We'll finish it for you, okay? - Okay.
I drew a picture of it.
It's pretty self-explanatory.
The recipes for the 78 animals I haven't made yet are on there.
All you have to do is carve them, bake 'em, and decorate them and don't forget to, uh, fram the gum.
Sorry, wha-what's "fram"? You just have to gram the frum da boo ba da Uh-oh, we're losing him.
Guys, this actually looks really hard.
We'll have to fake it till we bake it.
Lone Moose Christmas is counting on us.
Thanks for dinner.
I had a good time.
Me too.
And thanks for telling me about that fishing simulator game.
It would be a perfect gift for me, but, uh, what would be a perfect gift for, I don't know, you? Oh, no, why is the van door open? I swear I remember closing it.
No.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no! Oh, my Bigfoot costume's gone! Who would want a Bigfoot costume? I mean, besides me, who is Bigfoot at parties for a living.
I'm sorry, Jerry.
I invite you to dinner and now your costume is stolen.
And I have a couple of jobs coming up.
I mean, I can't just show up as myself.
I mean, they'll be like, "Who's this guy?" Oh, I left my phone inside Bigfoot.
- Beef, can I use yours? - Of course.
It's cracked, but it's got good bones.
- I can use the Find My Phone app.
- My phone can find other phones? I don't want to owe a machine a favor.
- There it is.
- Huh.
Looks like it's at Winter World.
What's Winter World? The year-round Christmas theme park.
Originally, it was called Water World, but Kevin Costner sued.
So they drained it, threw in a bunch of Christmas trees with eyeballs, - and called it Winter World.
- Let's go.
So, we've cooked all the gingerbread sheets.
Now we just have to carve 78 Christmas animals.
Okay, let me take a crack at a salmon.
Oh, no.
I think we were supposed to cut them into cookie shapes before we put them in the oven.
Aw, mistleturd! Hey, guys, I did it.
- Amazing.
What is it? - It's an otter.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, now I see it.
It's just upside down.
- Mm No, it's not.
- Let's all just do the best we can.
Everyone choose a shape and go for it.
Great 'tude, my dearly beloved wife dude.
This Christmas train is back on track.
Ho, ho! Sorry, we're closed for a private event.
Oh, but something was stolen from me, and I think someone in your park has it.
My boss will go nuts if I let anyone in, sorry.
You can wait in the parking lot and try to catch people as they leave.
Just brainstorming.
I'm an ideas guy.
Yes, good idea.
Come along, Jerry.
Normally I wouldn't trespass, but this is an emergency.
And I think I know how we can blend in.
Hey, what are you doing over here? Everyone is supposed to be working the party.
Oh, of course.
We're on our way.
Why are you walking toward the penguin pool? Oh, please don't steal the penguin, guys.
If the penguin gets stolen again this year, I'm gonna get in big trouble.
Now can you just head to the food court? This is pretty fun.
I've never been undercover before.
I just hope we don't get in too deep.
Mary Stuart Masterson.
What is this? Some sort of bizarro Santa Burning Man? I'm not sure, but one of these strange St.
Nick's probably has my phone.
It's way too loud to just call it and try to hear where it is.
I think what we have to do is go person-to-person, and while we're talking to them, I'll call the phone and see if we hear a ring.
- Are you talking about mingling? - I-I hate it, too, Beef.
Ooh, why don't we grab a cup of conversation sauce? Great idea.
A little alcohol should add some jingle to our mingle.
Gentlemen, a cup of Terry Claus' famous punch? - Uh, sure.
- Mmm.
Lot of brown solid bits in here.
Don't let it faze you, act natural.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
All right, we're both afraid to mingle, but we'll do it together.
Safety in numbers.
Well - Well.
- Well.
Uh, are you guys trying to start a conversation or Yes.
Exactly.
Why aren't you guys in your Terry Claus outfits? Who's Terry Claus? He's what this party's all about, man.
We throw it every December 23.
Terry Claus is the real Santa Claus.
His workshop is right here in our town.
He has a flying moose, a brown animal skin suit, and his beard is blue because he's cool like that.
Every year we dress as Terry Claus, we drink his traditional punch, and later - we go to Claudia's for the orgy.
- Okay.
Call the phone, Jerry, call the phone.
Oh, I'm starting to feel weird.
- How much alcohol is in this? - None.
It's drugs.
Oh, uh, great.
I love drugs.
- Which drugs are in here? - Mushrooms, man.
Uh, okay, great talking with you.
I have no experience with drugs.
- I'm nervous.
- I've never done drugs, either.
But based on a video Honeybee took of me after I got my wisdom teeth pulled out, - I get pretty weird.
- Well, let's not panic.
We got through meeting that stranger together.
We'll get through this psychedelic trip together.
All right, everybody.
Time to kick off the Lone Moose Terry Claus karaoke competition.
Terry Claus, Terry Claus He sees you with his thousand eyes His evil moose, Geraldine Pulls him through the deep, black sky - Wow.
- I know.
Wow.
I-I feel like there's something we're supposed to be doing.
Yeah, what is our purpose? No, I mean, I think there's something we're supposed to be doing at this party.
But all I can picture is, like, a large foot.
And it has a face, and it's weeping.
Huh.
A big foot.
- Bigfoot! - Oh, right, right.
We need to find my costume.
We have to call the phone.
Yes, that's what we were doing.
I think I hear it ringing.
It's closer.
Look, Jerry, your favorite Christmas dip.
Not now, Beef.
Hey! - Potato Patty? - You know this person? You got me, Jerry.
You got me.
Can I have my beard back now? It's a rental.
Potato Patty? You took my costume? You took my phone? - It's almost Christmas.
- I did.
Why are you calling her Potato Patty? Oh, because she dresses as a potato and holds the sign outside the Loaded Baked Potato Juice Booth at the mall.
I know that place.
I got diarrhea from there.
Yup.
Potato juice will do that.
Where's my Bigfoot costume? - I don't have it.
Dick Chateau does.
- Who's Dick Chateau? Richard Chateau is the richest person in Lone Moose.
He's a local big game hunter and lives in Chateau Chateau.
Why would a rich dude want my costume? And why would you take it for him, Patty? Eh, I didn't take it.
I just told him it was in the van.
And then I watched him take it.
He let me keep the phone as a tip.
How could you go against the costume code? We're supposed to look out for one another.
It's easy to believe in the costume code when you have a great costume like Bigfoot.
My costume is awful.
I do remember your potato suit looking like and forgive me an open wound, topped with chives and cheese.
There's also a really gross translucent sour cream swirl.
Anyway, you'll have to go see him if you want it back.
Bye.
Not so fast, Patty.
You're coming with us to help get that costume back.
- Fine, but I get to ride shotgun.
- Actually, we need you to drive because we both drank mushrooms.
Jerry just now stopped looking like pure energy to me.
Okay, we are well on our way to saving Christmas, but now we are out of everything.
So we're gonna have to improvise.
We were supposed to do gumdrop rooftops, but what about hear me out salami shingles? I have a bunch of bird bones.
We could use those to make the candy cane fences.
They're not edible, but they're clean.
And I've got some press-on nails that could make for a colorful walkway.
Can I just say, I love Ham's vision, but we might be improving it.
Oh, it's a glow-up for sure.
So, this is Dick Castle's castle? Dick Chateau's chateau.
- Eh, potato, "potahto.
" - Ugh! I hate that saying.
No one's ever said "potahto," and you know it.
- So, what's the plan here, anyway? - Simple.
We ask Dick for Jerry's costume, and then we leave.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure the rich guy who paid me to steal a Bigfoot costume is just gonna hand it over to us.
Hello and welcome to Chateau Chateau.
I'm the butler, Karen Butler.
How may I help you? Hello.
We're here to speak with Richard Chateau.
- He has my young friend's costume.
- Fine.
I'm gonna have you wait in here.
But when I open the door, please don't gasp.
Gasping is my pet peeve.
What did I just say? - I'll go get Mr.
Chateau.
- What is this? Oh, I remember this costume.
He was the party store's discount Barney, named Blarney.
And there's Billy Bratt the Butter Pat from Toast by Jan - and Certifiably Elaine from the notary.
- I love costumes, but this collection how can I put this - feels psychotic.
- Thank you.
Guys, again, the gasps.
Well, hello there "Potahto" Patty and friends.
- Does he have a British accent? - Indeed.
- Is he British? - No, he's originally from Seward.
Is this a costume? Hmm.
It's very lifelike.
- Um, no.
I'm a human man.
- I'll take your word for it.
What is it that brings you to the chateau this holiday afore night? You have something of mine.
My Bigfoot costume.
Ah, yes.
I finally bagged my white whale.
- Why do you steal costumes? - For the hunt.
- Allow me to explain myself at length.
- Oh, boy.
I was once an actual big game hunter.
I traveled all over Alaska, killing some of its most beautiful animals.
Then Game Warden Burt said I'm no longer legally allowed to hunt just because I was shooting endangered species.
I was so bored, I barely had any blood on my hands.
It was terrible.
Then one day, I spotted the mascot for the Polar Bear panini shop.
Sure, he makes no sense Why would a polar bear make a hot sandwich? To stay warm or to eat it.
Please do not respond to my musings.
I saw that enormous, gorgeous white-hot sandwich bear.
I had to have him.
The bear's human inhabitant stored the costume in an unlocked shed.
I nabbed it, and suddenly I felt like Dick Chateau again.
And I've been collecting ever since.
But you your costume is always locked away or upon your person.
But tonight you let your guard down and left it in an unlocked van.
Oh, no, I did leave the van unlocked.
I guess I was distracted.
I was nervous about our dinner.
You were nervous about having dinner with me? I'm just Beef.
But to be honest, I was pretty nervous, too.
Oh.
Well, I understand.
I'm pretty shy and a one-on-one dinner was a lot of pressure, - but I think - Hey, shy boys.
Dick Chateau talking.
We just need to get Jerry's costume back.
- We're willing to pay you any - No.
This was my Christmas gift to myself.
The perfect present.
The perfect present can't be something you stole from someone else.
It has to be a carefully curated choice, made to make someone else very happy for just a brief shining moment.
It doesn't have to be expensive.
It just has to say, "Hey, man, I see you and I get you.
" It's the frigging spirit of frigging Christmas! Sorry, could you repeat that? - I dozed off.
- Damn it.
Look, is there anything we can offer you? - Some kind of trade? - Hmm.
A trade.
Perhaps I could give back the costume in exchange for you indulging in the Moltening.
- Get the Moltening sacks.
- Moltening sack? You all wear costumes on the outside.
What if you knew what your costumes were on the inside? Are you gonna perform surgery on us? No.
Although that's a fun idea.
- Stop talking.
- Oh, no, he's gonna put us in bags.
Yes, but not in a bad way.
Step one, you will don this nude hosiery.
Step two, I will cover you in glue.
Step three, you will enter these burlap sacks filled with feathers, glitter, googly eyes and paint.
My butler will then tie them shut around your neck, and you will have to wriggle your way out of the cocoon and emerge in your true form.
Then, you shall remove that costume, and I will hang it upon my wall.
A one of a kind treasure that no other costume hunter in the world owns.
There are no other costume hunters in the world.
- Beef, we don't have to do this.
- We've come so far tonight.
We had dinner together.
We snuck into an amusement park.
We drank drugs for the first and last time because I did not enjoy it.
We mingled.
And you know what? I had fun.
I say we push ourselves one more time, get in these bags, and get your costume back.
Are you sure you're not still high? Oh, I am definitely still high.
But I also believe in what I'm saying.
All right then.
Let's molt.
Well, have fun moltening.
I'll see you in several days.
Days? But we'll miss Christmas.
The elephant seal takes 30 days to molt.
Consider yourselves lucky.
You guys, uh, want to play a guessing game or something? Hey, I'm thinking of a number between one and one billion.
- Jerry, take a guess.
- I don't know.
12? Right.
Huh.
What should we do now? Boy, this is tight.
Now I understand why mummies are mad all the time.
We have got to get out of here.
We can't miss Christmas with the family.
Yeah, I'm also very worried that gentleman will kill us.
What's wrong? Other than being trapped in a sack.
I just feel terrible.
I tried to act like it was okay before, but it's not okay.
I broke the costume code because Dick Chateau offered me 40 bucks.
- 40 bucks? - And a two liter of Pepsi.
Have you had a Pepsi? It's so good.
I'm sorry.
I I'm stupid and I'm a potato.
You're not stupid, Patty.
And you're not really a potato.
I want to make it up to you guys.
I think we can escape and find the costume.
Follow me.
Quietly.
I can actually open the door with my mouth.
My old potato outfit didn't allow arm movement, so I got pretty good at it.
I can also open the door to my Corolla with my chin.
Okay, guys, look out.
Stairs.
We just have to go for it-it-it-it-it Oh.
I could have just untied these with my mouth.
But the stairs were fun, right? Open the bags, Patty.
- There she is! - You guys escaping? - No.
- Calm down.
I'll help you.
It's Christmas, and you're the nicest captives we've ever had.
Butler, I'm coming down for my bedtime fruits.
- Hurry, go.
- Thank you! Oh, my God, it's freezing.
I haven't been this cold since my last Christmas dip.
Why would Christmas dip make you cold? "Christmas dip" is when me and my dad take a dip in the Pacific Ocean on Christmas.
Crazy cold but also crazy fun.
I'm pretty bummed that I can't do it this year.
Now what's wrong? I'm just sad you can't do your Christmas dip with your dad.
Come back, my beauties! Is he shooting at us? - I told you.
- Go! Move! - Go, go, go, go! - Drive, drive, drive, drive! Hey, look, it's after midnight.
Merry Christmas Eve, everybody.
They did it! Wow.
I can't believe they were able to Oh, no.
- Are those pepperonis? - Yep.
You're looking at a Christmas miracle, bud.
Oh.
Hmm.
Now, can anyone walk me through why half of this village is burned down while the other half is wet? Yes, we decided to make the womenorah and tried to light it, but that started a fire.
And Honeybee bravely put it out, but it flooded half the village.
Wow.
It's all so beautiful.
Yeah, I could never part with this.
I'm gonna quickly make another one, and we can just keep this beautiful treasure for us.
So, we can eat this one? Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, who's idea was it to cut up the kitchen sponge? Because it's not bad.
Here you go, Jerry.
A wetsuit.
Is this for Yes, a Christmas dip.
Well, thanks, Beef.
It's perfect.
A carefully chosen gift to give me moment of perfect happiness.
- You nailed it.
- Thank God I didn't hammer it.
I say that because I originally bought you a hammer.
Oh, yeah, that would've been a real bad gift.
- Merry Christmas, friend.
- And to you, pal.
One, two, three! Aah! This was a mistake! This wetsuit is doing nothing! Get out! Here I come! - Wolf, no! - Christmas dip! Potatoes are the reason for the season They're awful nice and warm when you're freezin' Give one to your pal Janet and one to that guy Steven Potatoes, they're the food we can believe in Wrapped up in foil, under the tree A potato for little Timmy Get your sweetheart a tuber from the ground They'll come around When they see that Christmas tater mound Potatoes are the reason for the season Potatoes, they're the food you can believe in.