The Guest Book (2017) s02e10 Episode Script

1 DAVE: I'll be honest with you, I have nothing to write in your guest book because we've only been here for 10 minutes.
Did you just burp? It smells like lo mein in here.
But I'm so excited about what's about to happen that I had to tell someone about it.
It all started about a month ago.
Whoa.
What's going on next door? Oh, Paul and Janice are separating.
Paul's keeping the house, and Janice is moving to Florida to be closer to their daughter in college.
You need to trim your ears.
You look like you have a troll doll trying to crawl out of your head.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
Seeing how happy my neighbor was made me realize how much I wanted to be happy [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
I shit you not, boys, ballroom dance lessons.
The ratio of women to men, it's like 10 to 1.
Like, I've been putting my cha-cha into a different woman's mambo every week.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [JIMMY SPELLMAN'S "TRUE LOVE" PLAYS.]
how much I wanted to be with - someone who was attracted to me - Young eyes someone to share those special moments with.
Starlit eyes Starlight in your eyes - True love - I wanted romance something I'm not sure I've ever had.
- Heading somewhere? - It's my birthday weekend, so [GRUNTS.]
Linda rented a place at the beach.
Oh, that sounds nice.
You like the beach? Hate it.
What are you up to this weekend? Not sure yet.
Yeah, thinking about going for a jog, but running as far away from the house as fast as I can just isn't as appealing since Janice moved out, right? [LAUGHS.]
[HORN BLARES.]
Hey, if you don't mind me asking, how did you finally end it? Honestly, man, I was miserable and I didn't want to waste any more of my life being unhappy.
So the next time that I found myself bottling up the anger, I just let it go.
Called her the C-bomb.
Yeah, it was an ugly Easter, but now I'm free.
[HORN BLARES.]
I've had many fights with my wife over the years, but until today, I had never considered the nuclear option, the weapon of marriage destruction The C-bomb.
All right.
There you go.
Unh-unh.
He'll lose 'em.
Well, I hope you enjoy yourselves.
You're actually gonna be our last renters.
The house was my mother's income property, but she passed away a few months ago and left it to me in her will.
I was actually third in position behind her new boyfriend and her cat.
But luckily for me, they were on the plane with her [CHUCKLES.]
so Anyway, enjoy.
- [GRUNTING.]
- So here I sit, locked and loaded with an itchy trigger finger just waiting to be provoked so I can drop the big one.
LINDA: You gotta be shitting me.
Dave, get in here.
Time to scratch that itch.
This is all you packed? We're here for the whole weekend.
I knew I should have supervised the packing, but I thought, "Hey, it's packing.
How hard could it be?" These are two different flip-flops.
You packed a flip and a flip.
You flopped.
It's like I live with a monkey.
You know what? You can be a real cu Cu cu cu Dave? Dave? Dave?! [GASPS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[MAN WHISTLING IN DISTANCE.]
- [REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS.]
- Linda? Hello? Hey, what's up, Dave? Who are you? And where's my family? Well, my name is Gabe.
And your family's right in that bedroom you just came out of.
No, they aren't.
[SIGHS.]
Trust me, they're in there.
One of your sons is dialing 911.
Your wife's YouTubing how to CPR.
H-How do I skip the ad? How do I skip the ad?! No! Aaaaaah! What the hell is going on? You're dead.
I don't understand.
W Is this heaven? Nope.
Hell? No.
Look, this will go a lot smoother if you just forget everything you thought you knew about dying.
Now, I've been told you're a Catholic, right? Yeah, I am.
Uh, went to Mass every Sunday and confessed all my sins.
- I mean, that's good, right? - Yeah.
If you like telling random old men embarrassing shit.
Look, there are over 4,200 religions in the world, and not one of them comes close to the truth about the specifics of who created the Earth not one.
So, are you God? Hell, no.
Donny wished he looked this good.
Look, you'll meet him one day, but until then, I suggest you lower your expectations.
I mean, he's a good guy, but it's not like he's some magical entity in the sky.
Just a brilliant dude that got bored one day and decided to create a universe.
Only problem was he made sex feel too good.
That's why there's so many people on earth.
Wait.
He can't do something about that? No.
I mean, just 'cause he created you doesn't mean he gets to control you.
Think of it like an ant farm.
You supply the sand, pour in the ants, add a little food and water, after that they're in charge.
And you guys are a lot smarter than ants.
Like when old men wanted to have sex long after Donny designed their dicks to stop working, you guys invented the blue pill.
Women want to have babies long after their biological clock stop ticking, you assholes invented in vitro.
So science is bad? No, not for you guys.
You live longer, happier lives.
We're just having a hard time keeping up with all the dead people.
I don't understand.
All right, look.
In the early days, death was a lot simpler.
You lived for 23 years, caught a cold, and died.
But then people started to invent this afterlife and all the rules you had to follow to get there.
It started to bum Donny out that people were getting excited over an after-party he wasn't even throwing, so he created Heaven.
Only problem was he had no idea how many people he was going to have to actually put there.
I mean, the original Heaven has been full up since 1843.
Poor guy's been working nonstop ever since to make it bigger.
So I just, like, wait here until a spot opens up? - Pretty much.
- Oh.
But he did include some of Heaven's more popular features to entertain you while you wait.
So when you're hungry, you write down whatever you feel like eating.
[CHUCKLES.]
So when you're bored, write down whatever you feel like watching.
Oh? Really? [LAUGHS.]
What's the name of the most popular girl you went to high school with? Oh, Betsy Daniels.
Betsy? Yeah.
Where am I? Pretty cool, huh? You get to have sex with anyone you want.
Are you kidding? I mean, you can write down anybody's name? Eh, not exactly.
You see, people are hard to make so instead of creating a bunch of clones, and this is the genius part, he figured out a way to get the people here while they're dreaming.
Okay, what what if you write down the name of someone and they're not asleep? I get asked that a lot.
It's kind of hard to explain to humans.
The best I can do is tell you it's kind of like when you DVR a show to watch for later.
Only thing is it's actually nothing like that at all.
That's amazing.
Yeah, I know.
Donny's pretty hyped about it.
It's all he talks about.
Anyway, have fun.
I'll check back on you in a few months to see how you're doing.
A few months? Hey.
Hey.
How long am I supposed to stick around this [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Dave? Hey, Paul.
So, this is the beach house you guys are staying in, huh? Where's Linda and the boys? They, uh, went down to the beach to go swimming.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Mm, too bad I didn't bring my bathing suit.
Maybe we could go skinny dipping.
Yeah, I bet that would turn some heads.
[RADIO TUNING.]
What are you doing here? Let me hold that book for a minute.
I want to listen to that new Sturgill Simpson album.
You said you weren't coming back for a few months.
That was a few months.
You're just used to earth time, and Donny made that super slow or else the leaves would just blow off.
Oh, okay.
Well, great.
[CHUCKLES.]
Everything's super cool here, so you can take off.
[OBJECT SHATTERS.]
Dave, you got company? Wow.
That's pretty fast.
Good for you, man.
So, who was it? T-The girl from high school? Uh, doesn't matter.
Someone naughty.
I like it.
Your brother's wife.
Your wife's sister.
No, it's just a neighbor.
You don't need to You're gay? - No.
No.
- [CHUCKLES.]
No.
No.
I was just I w curious.
You said you weren't coming back for a few months.
Calm down.
It's all good.
Is it really? I mean, is Donny cool with homosexuality? Are you kidding me? Donny loves gay people.
You guys are helping with the population problem.
So, is this your first time with a man? - Yeah.
- Cool.
How was it? Oh, we haven't actually done anything.
- Why? - He's not gay, and I'm not even sure it's gonna happen.
[CHUCKLES.]
Of course it's gonna happen, man.
This is your world.
You the king.
You think the lion walks around the jungle worried if things are gonna go his way? I don't imagine he does.
All right, then.
Be the lion.
Go in there and pounce on him.
So what? He might think it's weird at first, but he'll get into it.
Look, straight people have gay dreams sometimes.
They just don't tell people about it.
I-I don't know.
It doesn't feel right.
I mean, I have been thinking about him ever since he moved next door, but in all my fantasies, he's the one who kisses me first.
Oh, okay, I get it.
You more of a gazelle than a lion.
No, I don't When you were talking about me being a lion, I thought you meant me going into the jungle and having sex with a lion.
But if you introduce a gazelle into this whole animal analogy thing, I think it falls apart.
How so? Well, uh, because a lion eats a gazelle.
He doesn't have sex with it.
I was referring to the chase, Dave.
Okay, but once he catches the gazelle, it still breaks down.
Look, look, look, all you have to do is replace the act of eating with the act of sex.
Then the analogy makes sense again.
If I was comparing apples to apples, it would not be an analogy.
Right, sorry.
Well, my point then is, I wanted him to kiss me first.
Then get him to kiss you first.
How? [SIGHS.]
Paul? What are you doing? Who are you? Doesn't matter.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Shit.
I'm late for gym class with Mr.
Lattimore.
See? The mind Very susceptible to suggestion when it's dreaming.
Put your legs into it, ya pussy.
You want him to go back to school? You ring a bell.
You want him to eat? You write down what his favorite food is and make sure he smells it.
You want him to kiss you? All you gotta do is figure out what makes him think about kissing someone.
You can go.
[LION ROARS.]
[RADIO TUNES.]
[JIMMY SPELLMAN'S "TRUE LOVE" PLAYS.]
Young eyes Starlit eyes Starlight in your eyes True love is our love Tonight Young lips Your sweet lips When they're pressed to my lips They tell of the love In our hearts When your hands caress me I feel Heaven blessed me For I feel the warmth Of your charms Young arms enfold me Forever will hold me For true love is our love Tonight Young eyes Starlit eyes Starlight in your eyes True love is our love Tonight Young lips Your sweet lips When they're pressed to my lips They tell of the love In our hearts When your hands caress me - I feel, feel, feel, feel - [THUDDING.]
[GASPS, BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Welcome back, buddy.
Aw, shit.
Can't believe we drove all the way to the beach and had to spend the whole weekend in the hospital.
Sorry, guys.
What was it like, Dad? What was what like? Being dead.
You were just laying there not breathing for almost a minute.
Did you see a bright light? No, no.
I don't think I was actually dead.
My brain was still working.
I was hallucinating all kinds of weird stuff.
What kind of weird stuff? I don't remember.
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
Uh, guys, what about the luggage? Just take one at a time.
They said it was good to resume normal activity.
Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
How was the beach? Ah, fine.
Uh, beach was fine.
I had a dream about you.
What? I'm s What? I'm sorry.
What did you just say? I had this dream that you and I were in a beach house.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't remember much.
Uh, there were bare feet and I think my junior high school gym teacher was there and there was music playing of some kind.
It's weird, huh? I'm gay.
Excuse me? I'm gay.
Really? Well, that's, uh That's great, buddy.
Did you discover this at the beach? No, no, no, no.
I've known my whole life.
I was raised Catholic, so I was always battling with the belief that Say, you're not gay, are you? - No.
- No.
But my brother is.
In fact, I think I think you might like him.
- Wha - Mm-hmm.
He got the looks.
I got the brains, you know? - Maybe text me his number.
- For sure.
[LAUGHS.]
Linda! I need to tell you something.
You were sleepin' Sweet dreamin' Then the morning sun said "It's time, boy, it's time" You threw your head back You shook your fist out Cried mercy to the sky Oh, why, oh, why This ain't your tragic fall It's your wake-up call This is your wake-up call Don't fear that big, bad heart Don't set your mind a reelin' Cannonball through that great wall You built around your feelings Ooh, ooh, ooh [RHYTHMIC CLAPPING.]
So take those roses When they're given And give yourself a break From the hard way you've been livin' This ain't your tragic fall It's your wake-up call This ain't your tragic fall It's your wake-up call This is your wake-up call