The Neighborhood (2018) s02e10 Episode Script

1 Thanks again for having us over, Tina.
Yeah, the chicken and dumplings are delicious.
Aren't they, Grover? Wow, that is interesting.
So I had to turn off my football game for dinner, but the kid gets to play world wide webs? Dad, the "world wide webs", or as people under a hundred call it, the Internet is not a game.
It's-it's a, it's a global network Marty you're talking to Pop.
The clock is still flashing 12:00 on his VCR.
Which still has a tape of Beverly Hills Cop stuck in it.
(CHUCKLES) You know what? That was due back in 1997.
Good thing Blockbuster went out of business, huh? (ALL CHUCKLING) Grover, Mr.
Calvin's right.
Didn't we agree no screens at the table? Yeah, I wasn't really sure where we landed on that.
So, Calvin, it looks like your auto shop has some competition.
I saw a new Motor Boys opened up down the block.
(SCOFFS) Please.
Some generic chain with a stupid jingle? (CHUCKLES) I think it's catchy.
Car or truck, you're in luck, with the - Motor Boys.
- ALL: Beep! Beep! (ALL CHUCKLING) Why don't you all go "beep-beep" yourselves, all right? Whoa! Motor Boys has a really cool website.
Grover! Didn't I just say no screens at the table? Oh, so we are going with that.
You know, business has slowed down since they opened up.
Maybe we should think about updating our shop.
Oh, I could upgrade your computer system.
Automate your payroll.
Maybe make you a website that's not just a picture of you laying across the hood of a Corvette? While you're at it, will you fix his e-mail? I send him stuff all the time.
(CHUCKLING): I never get a reply.
Yeah, that's weird, huh? So what do you say, Calvin? Can Marty help us out? Why not? You can come in tomorrow.
And I'll start working on a jingle for you.
Ooh, great.
E-mail it to me.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
So what goes down at an overnight teachers' retreat? Oh, we have so much fun.
PowerPoint presentations, course lectures, and wait for it we all come home with a huge binder! My God, I married the world's hottest nerd.
(CHUCKLING) All right, sweetie, be good for Dad.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I don't know.
Probably in my room? You know what? You've been on that thing a lot.
Why don't we take a little screen break for a few days? A few days? That's so unfair.
No, come on.
It's a good thing.
Look, you can play outside, climb some trees, ride your bike around.
Okay, if I say I'm sorry, can I not do any of that? All right, sweetie, I got to go.
Give me a hug.
I'll miss you, Mom.
- So, so - I'm with Dad.
- Bye.
- Cheer up.
You're gonna have so much fun.
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be terrible.
What are you talking about? I have tried the "no screens" thing before, and it always ends in tears and tantrums.
Well, if he throws a tantrum, I will deal with it.
I was talking about me.
You've just committed yourself to 48 hours of: "Dad.
Dad.
Dad.
Dad".
And I will come back with, "What's up? I'm here.
Let's rage".
(CHUCKLING): Ho-ho.
Oh, don't worry.
There will be rage.
You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't think I can do this.
Don't take this the wrong way, but if I couldn't, you definitely can't.
Ho-ho! Really? Well, what you don't realize is I have something you don't.
The mind of an eight-year-old boy.
Finally, something we agree on.
Okay.
We're off to a great start.
The TV in your waiting room now gets more than one channel.
Oh, great.
How did you do that? Well, not to get too technical, but I put new batteries in the remote.
The remote? Calvin, you told me it was stolen.
Yeah.
Uh, looks like I fired Eduardo for nothing.
Well, thanks for your help, man.
Be sure to treat yourself to a hard candy on the way out.
Calvin, look.
You may not want Marty's help, but as the person who keeps the books around here, I do.
Well, fine.
We're watching Beverly Hills Cop II tonight.
That's right.
I used a butter knife to get Part I out.
Okay, Marty, what's next? Well, let's take a look at how you organize your invoices.
Oh.
Okay, everything's stored right over here.
Oh, file cabinet.
Old school.
Nike.
So, that's August 2012.
This is how you keep your records? How do you keep anything organized? These are barely receipts.
"Herman, $200"? What'd you do for Herman? It says it right here.
$200 worth of work.
Yeah, but, but what specifically did you do? Well, if you want to know that, then we gonna have to call Eduardo.
How do you say, "Oops, my bad" in Spanish? That was so much fun.
What's next? Grover.
We just did mini-golf, batting cages, we even went to the dog park.
We don't have a dog.
Aren't you tired? Not at all.
Ooh.
I thought all that fetching would tire you out.
So, now what? How about this? How about we take a five-minute break so Dad can rest his eyes? Okay.
Whew How will I know when it's been five minutes? I'll tell you.
How will you know? Buddy look around you.
You have all these toys.
You've got a big backyard.
You've got a room upstairs.
Can you really find no way to entertain yourself? - I have an idea.
- Oh, good.
Screen time! Grover! Drop it! Bad boy! Sorry.
I'm still in dog park mode.
Listen.
Come here, buddy.
It would make my life (CHUCKLES) so much easier if I gave this to you.
I don't know, Dad.
Trust your instincts.
But Mom doesn't think that we can go a few days without it.
And I want to prove to her that we can.
Which is why you're not gonna tell her that I'm gonna let you play with this for a few minutes.
Yes! But remember, we're not telling Mom.
- Mom who? - Oh Okay, Dad.
I just finished setting up your new system.
This tablet controls all your scheduling, estimates and service notes.
Does it have Angry Birds on there? 'Cause I love pissing off them uppity pigs.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, what's up, Roy? I got a text saying my car was ready.
I didn't text you.
Uh, no.
But your new system did.
I programmed it so when a customer's car is ready, they get a notification.
I didn't ask you to do all that.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with my shop making its own booty calls.
Dad, trust me.
This is gonna make your business more efficient.
See, customers will be automatically billed, the payments go directly into your account, and you don't have to call them when their car is ready.
Wait a minute.
So I get my money faster? And I don't have to talk to chatterboxes like Roy? Hey.
Roy, please.
I know more about your prostate than the doctor who gave you the exam.
So what do you say, Dad? You want to give it a shot? Why not? All right, great! You'll see.
This is gonna make you leaner, meaner and rolling in the greener.
(CHUCKLES) Boy, you may be smart, but you couldn't wrap a burrito.
Thanks for letting me have screen time again today, Dad.
I don't know, maybe spaghetti? (CAR DOOR CLOSES, ALARM CHIRPS) Uh-oh.
Mom.
Mom's home.
Uh, quick, hide this.
Okay, but you hide this.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Gem.
How was the retreat? Did you get your binder? I got two! Oh.
Wow.
It looks like you two are having fun.
(CHUCKLES) You bet your binders we are.
(CHUCKLES) You know, I'm gonna take this magazine to read upstairs.
It's got something really interesting in it.
So, how long before you gave him his screen back? Because if it was under two hours, the choir teacher owes me a hundred bucks.
Well, I hate to disappoint you, but we made it the whole time.
Really? Yup.
And no tantrums? Not him.
Not me.
Wow.
I'm impressed.
Well, Gem, what you have to understand is I'm kind of a Dad-ass.
Come on, Calvin, what's taking so long? I got a text an hour ago that said my car was ready.
Yeah, and you texted me a selfie.
Everybody just calm down.
I'm gonna get to y'all in a minute.
And you, you delete that picture.
I don't know you like that.
All right.
Okay, I opened the customer profile, swiped to the diagnostic menu, - clicked "payment".
- (PHONE CHIMES) You just texted me another selfie.
(LAUGHS) Hey, Dad.
I just got your message.
- What's the problem? - I'm gonna tell you what the problem is.
Your stupid system got me sending pictures to dudes! Okay.
There's nothing wrong with the system.
- You must've made a mistake.
- You know, the only mistake I made was letting you come up in here and mess up my business.
Dad, calm down, man, I'll fix it.
No.
I think you've fixed enough.
I'm just trying to help you.
You want to help? Get out of my shop, and take this thing with you.
Fine.
You don't want my help? Stay stuck in the past.
(CHUCKLES) You don't even know what you're talking about.
I'm not stuck in the past.
All right, y'all sit tight.
I'm gonna go in here and check my shoebox file.
- There you go, baby.
- Oh, thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, I'm surprised Marty's not here.
He loves your waffles.
He's not coming.
He texted to say he's too mad at your father.
Oh.
Well, that's too bad.
He don't know what he's missing, but, uh, he's about to.
Ooh.
Waffles.
Hey.
Those are my waffles.
How could you treat Marty like that? He was just trying to help.
Well, all he did was make things more complicated.
By the time I figured out how to charge Mrs.
Perkins for her oil change, she was due for another one.
Yeah, Pop, if you're not gonna upgrade, how do you expect to compete with Motor Boys? Well, I'm glad you asked.
You know, I spent all night coming up with a brilliant marketing strategy that is gonna bring in tons of new business.
Holla! Free tune-ups? How can we afford to do that? Oh, it's easy.
Just read the fine print.
"One free tune-up after 15 at full price.
Offer good for one week only"? That's pretty slick, huh? (CHUCKLES) Believe what I tell you, Motor Boys is going down.
So, that's your big plan? You gonna beat Motor Boys by standing on the corner and spinning that sign? No.
You are.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, hey, Gemma.
What's up? Not much.
Just running some errands, doing some shopping, wondering if I'm a terrible mom.
What? - Let me ask you something.
- Mm-hmm? Do you ever feel like Calvin's a better parent than you? (LAUGHS) Girl, please.
Right now he has one son that's not talking to him and the other that's out working the street corner.
Sit down.
Tell me what's going on.
Dave decided no screens for Grover while I was gone, and it went great.
But every time I've tried, it's been a disaster.
Oh, no.
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Last time, I was so worn out, I told Grover it was daylight savings and sent him to bed at 3 o'clock.
(CHUCKLES) Well, girl, that's nothing.
Back when the boys were younger, we used to play hide-and-seek.
And the boys would search around the house for an hour, - while I'd be napping in the car.
- (CHUCKLES) Well, Dave doesn't need any naps.
Grover hasn't had a screen in almost three days, and he hasn't broken a sweat.
Three days, huh? Hmm.
Well, then, why are Grover and I playing Words with Friends right now? Unbelievable.
I know.
What kind of freaky eight-year-old knows the word "cacophony"? Hey, Calvin's Pit Stop.
We got free tune-ups.
Well, kind of.
Malcolm, what the hell, man? You've been out here, like, two hours and not a single new customer's come into the shop.
How is that my fault? Look, nobody's paying attention.
That's 'cause you're spinning the sign wrong.
Look, you need to put some stank on it.
Pop, the sign is not the problem.
If you want to help your business, you need to listen to Marty.
- Oh - And maybe apologize to him while you're at it.
He needs to be apologizing to me for messing up my shop.
Now give me this.
Let me show you how to do this, man.
You got to get down with it.
See that? Look at that.
Look at that spin that.
Whoo! Look at that.
Look at that.
For example, see, check this out.
(SHOUTING) (EXHALES SHARPLY) Whoa! I killed it right there.
Look at that.
Back at it, back around.
Up, up, you flip it, then you, like, ride it.
Like that.
Look at that.
(GRUNTS) I killed that.
You like that? Check this out right here.
- (SHOUTS) - Oh (HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH) (CAR CRASHES, ALARM SOUNDS) You know what? On second thought, maybe it's a good time - to talk to Marty.
- Yeah.
(DOOR OPENS) Quick, Mom's home.
Oh, what's that, bud? I'm the best dad of all time? Come here.
Oh, hey, Gem, I didn't see you there.
Hmm.
You probably didn't hear me come in with all the noise.
Some might call it a cacophony.
I'll be upstairs.
So, what'd you two do while I was gone? Well, all kinds of stuff.
We built Legos, read books, played board games.
Really? Which ones? Sorry? Risk? Trouble? You know, all of them.
(TABLET CHIMES) What was that? (CHUCKLES) It sounds like, uh, my toast is ready.
- (CHUCKLES) - Ooh, I could go for some toast right now.
Ooh.
Darn it.
You know, I forgot to put the bread in.
(TABLET CHIMES) (GASPS) Well, look at that.
Grover was playing Words with Tina.
What? When did he Huh.
That little stinker.
Dave, give it up.
I know you gave him screen time.
Okay.
You're right.
Sorry.
It's just that when you said that I couldn't do it, it made me want to do it.
And then when I was doing it, I realized I couldn't do it.
And your solution was to lie to me? You made me feel like a terrible mom.
You are not a terrible mom.
You're a great mom.
Uh You're the best mom.
Sometimes I wish you were my mom.
Well, then, why didn't you just tell me the truth? Well, because I was disappointed with myself.
And I really liked you thinking that I was this amazing dad.
You are an amazing dad.
But parenting is hard.
And us not being honest with each other just makes it harder.
I know.
I'm sorry.
But I think you're right.
Grover probably does need to spend less time on screens.
Well, what do you think? Like, an hour a day? That sounds about right.
GROVER: How about two? How about I put you to bed at 3:00 again? GROVER: I knew that wasn't daylight savings.
(LASER SOUNDS OVER HEADSET) Ha, ha! Nice try, aliens.
You thought you were slick, but there is a new Galactic Sheriff in town, and his name is Oh! I died.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Who is it? Hey, M-Marty, look, I came by just to, uh What are you doing? Playing a video game.
Really? 'Cause you look like Ray Charles trying to ski.
Look, I get it.
You think technology is stupid.
But I'm kind of in the middle of something, so feel free to grab a hard candy on your way out.
Okay.
CALVIN: Whoa.
MARTY: Dad? Is that you? What is all this stupid space crap? It's you.
Hey, look, son Dad, if you want to talk, you got to shoot some aliens.
There's a button on your right controller Whoa, you really seem to know - what you're doing with that blaster.
- Of course I do.
I'm from the streets, Marty.
So, now what? Well, we want to take cover before more Kurblock drones find us.
Follow me.
So, son, about what happened at the shop, I know you were only trying to help, but all your new technology is too much change for me.
Look out.
Laser arrows! (LASER SOUNDS) Damn, these Kurblocks don't play.
Look, I know change is hard for you, but I've seen you do it plenty of times.
First you resist, but once you buy in, - you wonder what took you so long.
- Like when? Like when you refused to give up your flip phone.
(CHUCKLES) I loved that thing.
When you slammed it shut, people knew you hung up on their ass.
Yeah, but when you finally got your smartphone, you realized how much better it was.
And how about when Mom wanted to get a new mattress but you didn't want memory foam? I didn't like the idea of my bed remembering what I did in it the night before.
Yeah, but what happened that first night you slept on it? (CHUCKLES) It was great.
I slept so hard my left arm didn't wake up for a week.
Exactly.
I'm telling you, if you give this new system a chance, you're gonna pick it up faster than you think.
Maybe you're right.
I am one of the smartest people I know.
See? No one believes in you more than you.
Thanks, son.
Come on.
Bring it in.
Oh, Dad, look out! (LASER SOUNDS) Kurblock, please.
Whoo! MARTY: And that's why, in the year 3215, the Galactic Assembly exiled the Vortulons from the Andromeda Compact.
Although, there were some economic factors - that played into - CALVIN: Marty.
What part of "the streets" don't you get? I'm just here to blast these fools.
DAVE: Oh, hey, guys.
Dave? Are you in Marty's apartment, too? (CHUCKLES) No, I'm at Best Buy.
Now that I'm back on screens, I'm checking out VR headsets.
Wait your turn, kid.
Well, since you're here, you want to help us take out some aliens? Actually, I came for a new vacuum.
What do you guys think? Do I go modern upright or classic canister? Or, and I'm just playing devil's advocate here, Roomba? Dave, watch out! Incoming! I don't see anybody.
I was talking about me.
Watch the Fall Finale of Modern Family, Wednesday on Global.