The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e10 Episode Script

This is for you.
You got me a present? Yeah.
You invested all that money in the gym.
You saved my ass.
You're co-owner now.
You deserve something.
Come on.
Open it! A key.
That unlocks the front door so you can come and go whenever you want.
I know what a key does.
Where's my present? That is the present.
You're so funny.
No, it's full access.
I want you to think of the gym as your own.
I gave you $20,000.
I do think of it as my own.
Oh, and check this out.
Your new desk.
Oh, look at this.
It's so tiny.
Oh, look.
I can put my key on it, and use it as a key chain.
Yeah, it is kind of small.
All right, well, how about this? How about, whoever gets here first can use the big desk.
Well, today, I got here five minutes before you, so We'll start tomorrow.
Okay, let's go tell Ali what's happening.
So, Ali, kind of big news.
Barb has bought into the gym.
She is now a co-owner with me, and we'll be running things together.
Did you get fired? Because you peed in the shower? You peed in the shower? It's not a big deal.
It might be the biggest deal I've ever heard.
Oh, come on.
This is a gym, not a restaurant.
Barb and I are now co-owners, and that means we're co-bosses, and that means you have to listen to both of us, okay? Is that what it means? Don't ask her.
I'm still your boss.
Is that true? Okay, let's just move on.
- Oh, hey, honey.
- Hi, Mom.
Hi.
Hey! That's my old desk from kindergarten.
What are you guys doing here? I messed up my schedule.
I got to go to UCLA to register for my classes.
Matthew, Ritchie can't stay here.
I'm working.
Well, I can't take him with me.
Look, I can't leave Barb alone at the gym.
It's her first day.
She hasn't even gone through orientation.
I have to orient her.
Women only, key goes under the plant, don't pee in the shower.
Got it.
Take Ritchie.
I'll be fine.
Besides, it'll give me time to organize my desk and put away my Scooboby Doo lunchbox.
Okay, fine.
But if anything comes up, you just call me, all right? Ritchie! Come on, sweetie pie.
I'm going to take you home.
- Okay.
- Okay, call me.
I'm going to need February off.
Personal reasons.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Guys, if you're coming over for dinner, you've got to give me more notice.
To give you time to hide the boxes? I only use that as a base, and then I add my own secret ingredients.
Pepper.
We need to borrow your overnight bag.
Oh, we've been divorced three years.
Get your own luggage.
Fine.
Hang your own Christmas lights.
It's in Matthew's room.
What do you need it for? Our trip.
Richard won't tell me where we're going.
He's so romantic.
Yeah, he is.
I remember once he took me away on vacation, he wouldn't tell me where.
It was camping.
With his parents.
In Death Valley.
Yeah.
Before that trip, they used to call it Happy Valley.
Camping? Is that where we're going? No, don't tell me.
Is it? No, I want to be surprised.
Is it? Don't tell me.
I'm going to go say good-bye to Ritchie.
So when are you guys going away? No, don't tell me.
Okay, tell me.
Friday.
Friday? What what am I supposed to do with Ritchie? Matthew's busy, I've got to stay with Barb at the gym, I've been cooking all day, I'm almost out of pepper.
This isn't a good time for you to go away.
It's too late to cancel.
You knew about this.
Fine.
Okay, I guess I'll figure it out.
Where you guys going anyway? So the bag's in Matthew's room? Richard, come on.
I won't ruin the big surprise.
Where you guys going? Somewhere up north.
Yeah? Napa? Monterey? Are you taking her to the Big Sur Ranch? The place where we went on our honeymoon and every anniversary? The Big Sur Ranch? Is that the ranch near Big Sur? - Richard! - All right! We're going to the Big Sur Ranch.
Wh-- What? That's the place where we consecrated our marriage.
That's the church of our marriage.
You're taking your girlfriend to our sacred marriage church? Why do you care? We're not married anymore.
Remember the lawyers? The arguments? "I can't live like this anymore!" "We're growing apart.
" "That mustache doesn't help!" And you said some things, too.
Okay, fine.
Go.
Whatever.
But when you're there, may you think of nothing else but the time we spent there together.
May you look into New Christine's eyes and see only me.
Are you putting a curse on me? Right.
If I had that kind of power, I'd be four inches taller and a million dollars richer.
Oh, and I'd do something about war, too, I guess.
Maybe I would end it.
Mmm! Macaroni and pepper.
Hey, so did you sign up for the premed course? Yup.
And, on my first day, they're going to give me a heart listener and one of those ear looker things.
- So when do you start? - Next week.
Are you kidding me? No.
What's wrong with your face? Richard's going away, and Barb's just starting at the gym.
What am I supposed to do with Ritchie? Well, we talked about hiring a nanny.
What's wrong with that? I'm not ready for that.
I don't want some stranger coming into my house to take care of my kid-- some woman named Angela.
Pretty soon, Ritchie's going to be calling for Angela in his sleep.
"I like Angela's macaroni and cheese.
" "Angela's good at math.
" I hate Angela.
Well, don't blame Angela.
She's just doing her job.
I hate the way she judges me.
Come on.
She's a nice girl.
I don't trust her.
There's no Angela, right? No.
Oh, my God! Richard, this is amazing! Yeah.
Isn't it? A fireplace.
And a round bed! I've always wanted to sleep on a round bed.
Or even an oval one.
I love new shapes.
Ooh, and a hot tub! Is that an octagon? Do you feel like a glass of champagne? I am way ahead of you.
I love it here.
This is going to be the best vacation ever.
Thank you, baby.
You're welcome.
I'm starving.
Let's order some food.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Get a couple of shrimp cocktails.
We are going to have the best time.
Uh What what is that? That's not our regular music.
Oh, Barb thought it would pick up the mood.
What was wrong with the mood? Barb said it was crap.
She's honest.
Way better than our old boss, don't you think? 'Cause I think she was a drinker.
You do know I'm your old boss, right? Yes.
You're sitting at my desk.
Our desk.
Remember whoever gets here first gets the big desk? That was the deal.
Yeah.
A deal's a deal, so enjoy.
Hey, you've been pretty busy.
I noticed you've moved all the equipment around, and you brought in a plant and you changed the music.
Oh, yeah.
I couldn't stand it anymore.
That old music was so depressing, the stereo tried to jump out the window.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, though, the old music was provided by the company, and as such, we are contractually obliged to play it.
So it's your second day.
Please, don't worry about, you know? You're bound to make mistakes.
The new music is also from the company.
As such.
I found it in the back with these T-shirts, two wine glasses and a bra.
Yeah.
That was from our grand opening party.
This is a woman's-only gym.
Very much so.
But, look, if you want me to put the old music back, I will.
No, no, no.
It's fine.
It's fine, you know? I'm just saying that I wish you had asked me before you changed everything around.
I'm sorry.
You weren't here.
I didn't think it was a big deal.
But next time, I'll ask.
Thank you.
I'll still be with you a lot of a time, and, and so will Mommy, but some of the time, you'll be with the nanny.
But, you know what, Bud? We're gonna pick that nanny together, and if you don't like any of the ones we interview, you can say no.
No.
Okay.
Good job.
I am so late.
Okay, Ritchie, honey, Uncle Matthew's gonna meet the nannies with you, and then if you like any of them, Mommy's gonna meet them and then we can make the decision together.
Okay.
I love you, Bud.
I'm so late.
I gotta get to work.
Bye.
I like her.
Let's keep looking for someone who cleans.
I really love it here.
This is the best vacation I've ever been on.
Please don't lie to me.
Okay.
It would be better if we could have sex.
Or, technically, if you could have sex.
I don't know what's going on with me.
I was sure after the hike and the shower and the Pay Per View movie something would happen, but It didn't.
I know, Christine.
I was there.
It doesn't matter.
We're here together.
This is the best vacation ever.
For me, too.
Those movies were dirty, huh? Yes! Damn it.
Oh, God.
I've got to join a gym.
Christine, why don't you just take the big desk? No.
We have a deal.
Whoever gets here first.
It's obviously weirdly important to you.
You take the desk.
Oh, mother.
So, Ali and I want to talk to you about something.
Oh.
You and Ali have something to talk to me about.
Now, suddenly, there's you and Ali.
Ali, can you come in here, please? What is that? Did you have an intercom installed? It's on your phone.
You just press the INT button.
Oh, I thought that was the Internet.
No wonder no one ever gets my e-mails.
Hey, Al, tell Christine your idea.
Oh.
My cousin's roommate has a friend who knows the guy who takes care of Tom Hanks's dogs.
So, I was thinking, with his help, we could break into his house, and we No.
No.
The, the, the other idea, about the gym.
Oh, right.
I was thinking, to increase membership, maybe we could offer a deal where, if you get a friend to sign up, you get a month free, and if you get two friends to sign up, you get two months free, and if you get three friends to sign up She gets it.
She gets it.
Just show her, show her the flyer.
We call it "Better Body Buddies.
" Can I be honest? I don't love it.
Did you even read it? Can I be honest? No.
Ali, can you give me a minute with Christine? It was nice working with you.
What's going on? That's a good idea.
I mean, do you have something against making more money? Because money is good.
Look it up on the Internet.
No, I don't have something against making money.
Okay? I do, however, have something against a program that rewards people for being popular.
Okay? No.
No.
What if you don't have any friends to refer? Okay? You get nothing.
What is this, like junior high school? No, I'm afraid I'm going to have to use my veto power on this one.
Oh, wait.
Wait a minute.
You said we were partners.
Yeah.
We are.
But I'm the senior partner, and you're the junior partner.
I'm the majority and you're the Well Finish it.
I will not.
Oh, come on, Christine, you said we were co-owners.
Well, on paper, but I started this business.
It's mine.
Of course I have a bigger say about what does on here than you do.
You know, I was really excited about this.
I thought, this is a chance to create something wonderful with my friend, but I see that we have really different ideas about what this is supposed to be.
I feel like I'm a pretty good boss.
You're not my boss.
I invested a lot of money in this business.
I expect to be a real partner.
Well, can I be honest? What a baby.
Ooh, I get the big desk.
It was great meeting both of you.
And, Ritchie, if you decide on the trumpet, let me know.
I'll bring you to my orchestra rehearsal.
And I'd love you to come back and meet Ritchie's mom.
Okay.
I'll bring some of that blueberry buckle I was talking about.
It won a prize.
It was a pleasure meeting you, Ritchie.
Hope to see you soon.
Au revoir.
Do you remember what that means? Good-bye.
Okay, you had to have loved her.
Musician, yoga teacher, pastry chef.
Unless you can fly, and turn raindrops into chocolate, we're not gonna do any better.
What do you think? We can do better.
Good morning.
How are you feeling? So much better.
I really think all I needed was a good night's sleep.
Oh, thank God.
Not that I wasn't having a good time.
I'm fine either way.
But thank God.
Come back to bed.
I will.
But first I have a surprise for you.
Ooh.
I love surprises.
Oh, Lord.
I found it in the overnight bag.
I know you were saving it for a present, but I thought we needed it now.
That's Old Christine's old nightie.
She must have left it in the overnight bag.
Eww.
Eww.
Get it off.
Get it of.
Get it off! Richard! Richard! - Help me! - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
Okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought you here.
What? No? It's great.
This is the best vacation ever.
You can stop saying that.
What's happening? Why is it so bad? I wasn't gonna tell you this, but this is where I came with Christine on our honeymoon.
What? Why would you bring me here? I don't know.
I'm, I'm on their mailing list and they sent me a thing for a third night free.
So I thought, "Great, there's a $200 savings.
" Maybe you could have saved even more money and just slept with me at your ex-wife's house.
I don't know.
I don't think I'd be able to perform.
Oh.
I get it.
Look, please don't read anything into this.
All I wanted to do was surprise you with a nice trip, have sex, eat, save a couple of bucks.
That's it.
You're an idiot.
That's all I'm trying to say.
Oh, Barb.
You're back.
I just came to get my laptop and my $20,000.
Come on, Barb, don't be like that.
Why are you so mad at me? Because you were petty and close-minded and you didn't like any of my ideas.
I don't like anybody's ideas unless they're my own.
That's my thing.
It's cute on me.
The only thing that'll be cute on you right now are tire tracks.
Oh, Barb! Sorry.
I'm mad at you.
I came here and tried to improve this place.
I thought that's why you were excited to have a partner so we could build a business together.
Well, I was excited to have a partner.
I do want to build a business.
Then what's wrong? I mean why do you treat me like the help? I feel like everything is changing, you know, and not just here-- at home, too.
Matthew's ditching me to become a stupid doctor.
And Angela's trying to take Ritchie away from me.
You mean Angela, the nanny who doesn't exist? Yeah, that's right.
Wasn't Angela the name of your imaginary neighbor who was stealing your mail? Oh, that's interesting.
Isn't Angela also your mom's name? I'm starting to see a pattern here.
Look, crazy lady, you're missing the whole point.
If I'm your partner, I could do half the work if you'd let me, and if I do half the work, then you won't need an Angela because you can take care of Ritchie and have time left over to-- please, God-- get some therapy.
No nanny.
Oh, my God.
You've just solved all my problems.
Sweetie, that doesn't begin to solve all your problems.
Oh, partner, you love me.
You really need help.
You love me.