The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

1 Kenny: I am on cloud nine.
Another afternoon rendezvous with Brett.
And I am buzzing with romance and macchiatos.
Hey, listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about something, but I didn't know how to say it without possibly freaking you out.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
Webbed toes? Money problems? Or worse bisexual?! [Clears throat.]
- Go ahead? - Okay.
I was wondering if you wanted to go to the Sia concert with me.
That's it? Okay, that's not the freak-out part.
Um, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me as my boyfriend.
Yeah.
S-Sure.
Yeah.
And sure to both.
I would love to see Sia with you.
I will see ya there at Sia.
Works both ways, bu you don't, right? [Laughs nervously.]
Okay, bye.
Don't freak out.
You got this.
Just a few more steps to keep your cool.
[Sweeping music plays, birds chirping.]
I finally have a boyfriend It's gonna last forever Aw.
So cute.
He puts the "twink" in "twinkle" In my eye Okay.
I give it a month.
I know that this may sound gay I'm a dancing cliché I've been shot by Cupid In my butt Hey! Give me back my baby! His face is on my cellphone As my emergency contact Just when I thought that I would die alooooone Birds are singing, the sky is bluer Air smells crisper I got a man now [Laughter.]
He's charming and he's funny and he's handsome He makes me better I feel taller - [Chirping.]
- Oh, hi! Am I taller? 'Cause finally, my fantasies Have become reality And I finally have a boyfriend But how do I tell my parents? What if they don't accept him? They're still getting used to the fact That I am gay Maybe you shouldn't tell them [Giggles.]
[Knock on door.]
Hey! Ginger Rogers! Get in here and help me with the dishes.
Oh, Kenny.
You're screwed.
This is a ticket to a Sia concert that my boyfriend got me.
"What did you say?" "My boyfriend!" - Dude, I never thought it would happen.
- Right? Not because you're not awesome, but because for a desperate guy, you're pretty picky.
Okay, I really need your support right now.
I'm about to go break the boyfriend news to Mom and Dad.
They'll be fine.
They already know you're gay.
I've only been gay with myself.
I've never gotten to be gay with another person.
And Mom gets upset when I even mention the thought of marrying Anderson Cooper.
Okay.
I have good news to tell them.
Right? So I tell them my good news, then you tell them your news, and then they won't even hear it.
Mm.
What news could you possibly have that would eclipse me having a boyfriend? I scored over 1,000 on my SATs.
You whaaat?! That is such great news! Aren't we happy? Nothing could ruin this moment.
- I also have news.
- Shh.
Hang on, Kenny.
I have so many questions.
What? H-How? Why? Shannon has been tutoring me for the past few months.
That doesn't sound like something Shannon would do out of the kindness of her heart.
It's not.
I did it because you promised Jimmy a car if he broke 1,000 on his SATs.
And one day, his car's going to be my hand-me-down.
Wait.
Hang on.
We did not promise to get Jimmy a car.
Hey, I feel like we're veering off course.
Maybe we could circle back to my news? I knew you would react this way.
Jimmy: If I get over 1,000 on the SATs, then you guys promise to buy me a car? [Eileen and Pat laughing hysterically.]
Go ahead and fast-forward a little bit.
[Laughter continues.]
[Both sighing "Oh".]
Pat: Fine.
We will get you a car.
Do you think it's good to have role models who break their promises? Or who laugh at your hopes and dreams? Pat, can I whisper-argue with you over here for a second, please? [Whispering.]
What the hell was that?! I thought you had good news.
I do.
I'm getting a car.
Okay, that's not good for me.
It's great for me.
All right, your mother and I have decided to uphold our promise.
You can get a new used car.
- And I'm going with you to buy it.
- Wha? - You two turkeys would get swindled in a heartbeat.
- Hey! Pat, your biggest flaw is that you're just too nice to people.
He is.
He's the nicest one.
He's the nicest one in our family.
Up yours! I'm nice! Owww-wuh! - Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Wow.
Your tiny house makes that sandwich look very large.
Mm.
It's a hoagie, and it serves four.
While I have ya, I have some pretty big news.
And I'm only telling you and not Mom because you're the cool parent.
I have a boyfriend.
His name is Brett.
I want you to meet him.
I hope you like him, because if you like him, then Mom will like him, and since I like him, it's important that you all like him, too.
Well, of course I'm gonna like him, Kenny.
[Laughs.]
All right, buddy, your first boyfriend! - Yeah.
- Ooh, I get to do my "What are your intentions with my son?" bit.
Oh, wow.
Or we could you Maybe we could not do that? Test-driving cars is fun.
And she drove like a dream.
I can't wait to parallel-park her brains out.
Calm down, Jimmy.
One whiff of enthusiasm, and they know they've got you on the hook.
This is about establishing who's in charge, all right? And if all else fails we have this.
What?! Are we rich?! Yo, can we make it rain?! [Chuckles.]
You see how you just reacted? That's what cash does to people.
It makes them stupid.
So We gonna get you in that car today, J-man? Yeah! I love her! [Laughs.]
It's just stupid.
Mm, yeah, she's cool.
All right, well, I mean, the car has everything you want.
And, uh, this is the best I can do.
Okay.
Oh! Yeah.
- This is perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
For me to spit my gum into.
Wha We're leaving.
And we're taking our cash with us.
Come on, Jimmy.
Is that why we stopped for gum? M-Mo Oh.
You have nothing to be nervous about.
My dad is very, very excited to meet you.
I'm actually more nervous abou him embarrassing me with his lame jokes.
[Bells jingle.]
Hey, guys.
I should tell you It's so validating going to these gay places.
A guy just asked me out and gave me a scone.
That's 'cause he's got good taste.
- How you doing? - Hi.
I'm Brett.
Brett, Pat O'Neal.
Nice to meet you.
Ooh.
Nice handshake.
Firm but not a showoff.
All right.
Have a seat, Brett.
Kenny has, uh, told me a lot about you.
Oh, really? Did he tell you that I'm the cool parent? Because I am.
[Laughter.]
But not too cool.
[Laughs nervously.]
Now, I don't want you bringin' our boy back to the homestead in the middle of the night.
You got me? [Sighs.]
Here he goes.
So, what exactly are your intentions with my son? Um nothing out of the ordinary.
And I can promise you I will not get him pregnant, sir.
[Both laugh.]
[Normal voice.]
Wait.
You guys are having sex already? What? No! No.
He was making a joke 'cause you were doing a thing! And we're two dudes.
That's not possible.
- [Exhales sharply.]
- I think what Brett is trying to say is, it's great to meet you.
It really is, Pat.
I think "Mr.
O'Neal" is going to be just fine.
Kenny! Hi! Hey.
What are you guys doing here? Well, Steve the colorist and I are on our afternoon 15, which ended an hour ago.
We're so bad.
[Both laugh.]
Both we work on commission, so it's really our loss.
[Both laugh.]
I can't pay my rent.
[Laughter continues.]
What are you up to, buddy? Boyfriend drama.
You have a boyfriend? I remember my first boyfriend.
He died.
Well, this is way worse.
Dad and Brett's first meeting Super-awkward.
Oh, they were probably both just nervous.
You know what brought Steve and I closer together? An escape room.
What is that? An escape room is a locked space filled with puzzles that you have to solve to get out.
It's a great bonding experience for a group Unless, of course, someone is useless.
I'm claustrophobic.
And bad with puzzles.
And numbers.
And groups.
Mm.
Wait.
That sounds perfect.
Dad is great with numbers, Brett is great with puzzles, and I'm great with groups.
Just make sure that you don't volunteer to be the group leader.
Otherwise, somebody could strangle you out of frustration.
You found a clue, di't you? [Whispering.]
Clive.
Clive.
Hey.
Geez, they got you working on a Saturday, huh? Oh, yeah, just supervising detention.
Lot of these students, they're throwaway kids.
Nobody cares about them, but I do.
Hey! Scagnetti! Don't worry about what's going on out here! Worry about where your life's going! Nowhere! What can I do you for, Pat? I need your advice, but you cannot tell Eileen.
I'm terrible at keeping secrets.
Kenny has a boyfriend, and he wanted me to meet him and not Eileen because I'm supposed to be the cooler parent, but I was not cool, Clive Far from it! Why did you tell me that? Now I know Kenny has a boyfriend.
What? [Sighs.]
What are you doing? I am texting Eileen, "Kenny has a boy" - You got to take the phone away from me! - Clive, I need you to focus! I'm spinning out here, okay? What if I don't like Brett because I just don't like the idea of seeing Kenny with a boy? Am I a homophobe? You are not a homophobe.
You love white wine.
[Cellphone chimes.]
It's Kenny.
He wants me to come and meet up with him and Brett again.
See? He's giving you a second chance.
That's the key Getting to know them, realizing these kids, there's goodness in all of [Claps hands.]
Hey! Scagnetti! So help me, the last thing you see in this world will be this detention room.
And no one will care! Scagnetti: Yeah! Ooh! Ooh! Do you need to go handle that? Nah, nah.
Can lock them in.
[Door locks.]
Come on, Pat.
Let's go make friends with a young boy.
So, what kind of car did we get? Oh! Nothing! Zip! Zilch! Nada! Bonjour! Because after every test-drive, Mom would break the salesman down to the brink of tears.
None of the cars fit our parameters.
And those men were weak.
What were your parameters? Nothing crazy.
Just has to fit into our budget and have everything on that list.
A latch system for infant car seats? You never know when a baby's gonna need a ride.
You can't get all of this for that price.
Exactly! She was never gonna let me buy a car! This is like that time that you told me that I could go to the moon for my birthday.
There is no moon! Jimmy.
There's moon.
Look, if you feel you can negotiate those terms for my price, you're more than welcome to try it.
Here.
I trust you with this.
Like an adult.
- Want me to hold that for you, buddy? - Yes, please.
'Kay.
Aah! [Exhales deeply.]
Thank you, Shannon.
[Eerie music plays.]
It was a foul, dark night when old Mr.
Newman found his wife dead.
You have one hour to escape the room and find the murderer before he returns for you.
- Thank you for doing this with me.
- [Clears throat.]
Now that I have your attention, sleuths, the teams that escape with their lives are the ones who assign a leader and work together.
This is your chance.
Let Brett be the leader.
Show him you're respectful.
Let my dad be the leader.
- You be the leader.
- You can be the leader.
No, really, you should be the leader.
- All right, wonderful.
- No, no, I insist.
Let him be the leader.
Ooh! A plot twist.
Here you are.
No, you should be the leader.
You're older.
What's that supposed to mean? Like, more experienced.
Fine.
I'll do it.
I'm actually really good at solving puzzles and stuff.
- Excellent.
- Oh, well, on second thought, I am a cop, and I have solved several puzzles myself, called crimes.
Guys, I'm auditioning for "Pippin" in like two hours, so I'm starting the clock either way, and you just figure it out.
Ooooh! [Door slams, locks.]
Hey.
So, I ran my algorithm, and unless we're willing to fly to Germany, I can't find anything that fits Mom's criteria.
It's a fool's errand.
Well, this fool is about to go on an errand to get a car.
I met a nice man named Ranger on Craigslist who has the perfect car that fits our budget.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Oh.
My Uber's here.
I got to run.
Ranger is waiting for me in an alley behind the Dollar Store on the South Side, and I don't want to be late.
So give me the cash? On one hand, I'm suspect.
On the other hand, I really hate riding on the bus.
[Clicking, whirring.]
Here you go.
Wait a minute.
What's going on here? I'd rather not talk about it.
Is that one of my Hot Wheels? I'm onto you, Shannon.
Okay, guys, as your default leader, I am happy to report that we are close to solving our first clue.
So let's really think about what this means, okay? "When the stars align, the Earth will turn.
" I got nothing.
I got nothing.
It seems like if we work together, we can solve this puzzle, and maybe even the larger puzzle Of us.
Oh, hey.
Maybe this star has something to do with it.
Here's the globe.
Oh, can I have the star? Oh, you want to be the hero who puts the star in the globe? Okay, it's the first clue.
Nobody's really the hero here.
Here you go.
I'm sure you can figure it out.
Oh, let's hope so.
Just put the star in a star hole.
If they don't figure that out, it's all right.
I'm actually just about to pick this lock.
Clive, that is a painting of a lock on a fake door.
Copy that.
- Can I help you? - I've got it! Okay, you know what, Dad? - Can I speak to you over by the sconce, please? - Why? Maybe there's a clue.
Just come over to the sconce! - Is the sconce real? - [Exhales sharply.]
I cannot tell what is real.
Okay, Brett is working very hard to impress you, and you're being totally rude.
- No, I am not.
- Yes, you are.
H-H-He has tried everything, and nothing has been good enough.
The only thing I can think of is that he's a boy.
At least Mom has been honest about her feelings from the beginning.
Maybe you actually aren't okay with me being with a guy.
No, Kenny, that is not it.
I am very proud to have a gay son.
And I have watched too many episodes of "Dancing With the Stars" to be a homophobe.
Okay, then what is it? I just don't like Brett! That was real.
I can't believe you let Jimmy buy a car off of Craigslist.
You're the one who gave him the envelope full of cash.
Don't pin this on me, lady.
Oh, I gave him awful advice.
I taught him all my power moves, which is fine if you're talking to Daniel at the dealership.
But you can't spit your gum at a man named Ranger.
You spit your gum at somebody? Am I the only one who understands the art of the deal? You must have seen one decent car he could take to college.
Well, yes, of course.
We saw dozens of cars.
But Jimmy needs a little extra protection.
And I'm just worried that out there in the world, people aren't gonna do that for him.
Maybe you're just not ready for him to leave.
Well, I'm definitely not ready for him to get mugged by a guy named Ranger.
I should have given him my rape whistle.
You have a rape whistle? You don't? Well, the last 30 minutes of that escape room really flew by, huh? Still not talking to you.
Kenny, come on! [Sighing.]
Ay-yi-yi.
Well, thanks for coming, buddy.
Sorry it was such a bust.
Oh, hey, I'd rather fail with you than with Scagnetti.
Oh, my God.
I forgot about those kids.
I better skedaddle.
Plus, if I see Eileen, I'm gonna tell her everything about today.
- [Knock on door.]
- [Gasps.]
It's her.
It's not her.
Clive, she lives here.
- She wouldn't knock.
- Oh.
Hi, Mr.
O'Neal.
[Sighs.]
"Mr.
O'Neal.
" Ethan, that was my dad.
- You can call me Pat.
- Okay.
I have Shannon's homework.
She left it at my house.
Shannon's not home.
Do you want me to leave it? Or take it? Or should I come back another time? Or maybe you want me to leave it on the porch.
If you have a rock Ethan.
Just give it to me.
I'm sorry, sir.
Now it's "sir"? [Sighs.]
You hear this little suck-up, Clive? This is who my daughter's dating.
I think he's being quite respectful.
Never had a child call me "sir" Even this one, and I'm his vice-principal.
- Can I go now? - No.
You know, you think Brett's too casual, you think Ethan's too formal.
You just don't like kids.
That's ridiculous.
I love kids.
First of all, I like my kids.
I like the neighbor's kids.
I even like that Allison friend of Kenny's, and she's a real snooze fest.
- Ugh.
She is awful.
- Yeah.
But none of those kids are dating your kids.
Son of a bitch.
You're right.
[Tires screech, doors open.]
Stop! Our dad's a cop! What are you guys doing here? We're here to save you from this sketchy lowlife.
Mom! This is Ranger.
He's moving to Omaha to take care of his sick sister.
That's why he's selling his car.
Yeah, right! What does she have? Advanced lupus.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
So why'd you lure my son into this alley? Because he's having his going-away party at a hipster warehouse right there.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
Oh.
Yeah, I-I didn't see them.
Hi.
The car meets all your requirements.
Does it have a latch system for an infant car seat? Yes, ma'am.
You never know when you're gonna need to give a baby a ride.
Well, I misjudged you.
Oh, it's okay.
I have a mom, too.
She's all yours, kid.
[Sighs.]
Yes! I did it! My first car! I used all your power moves.
I'm very proud of you, Jimmy.
You're gonna look great driving that car to college.
Maybe this baby bird's ready to leave the nest.
[Voice breaking.]
We're really gonna miss having you around all the time.
[Voice breaking.]
Don't Don't you do that.
You know that when you cry that I cry.
[Both crying.]
Eh.
I guess I can have a feeling.
You come here.
[Crying continues.]
Look, here's the point Is I'm your dad.
It's my job to protect you.
So nobody is ever gonna be good enough for you.
And especially since this is your first real relationship, I'm setting the bar even higher because I know that you deserve a great guy.
I know, but Brett is a great guy.
He's sweet and smart, and he likes my dorkiness.
He even likes my sense of humor, that I got from you.
[Chuckles.]
I am pretty funny.
So I am going to try with Brett, okay? Because I know how much he means to you.
Thank you.
Aaaaaaaaa dorable.
You're a real quiet breather, aren't you? [Door opens.]
Yo, yo! Guess which Sagittarius is the proud owner of a Taurus! Okay, Jimmy, for the last time, you are a Virgo.
Clive? I tried calling you today.
Are you feeling all right? You look ill.
Kenny has a boyfriend! I'm so sorry.
He's just a friend who's a boy that he has sexual chemistry with.
Oh, no.
They're the cutest couple! I can't stop! [Door opens, slams.]
[Door opens.]
His name is Brett.
He's a keeper.
Can't tell you enough how sorry I am.
[Door closes.]
I'm sorry you had to find out that way, Mom.
Me too.
I was waiting for you to tell me.
What? You knew this whole time? Of course I did.
I'm not blind.
I could see it when you were singing into each other's eyes at the Christmas concert.
And And you're okay with it? I don't think I have a choice.
I'll take that as you're okay with it.
We can't stop you kids from growing up.
But that's not gonna stop me from looking at your baby pictures and thinking about the good old days, when I made all the decisions.
Well, hey, come on.
Let's go check out your ride.
Oh! Shotgun! Oh, wait! I'm driving.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, I had a mild stroke.
No, I used that last week.
I'm just gonna speak off the cuff.
I'm gonna talk from the heart to these kids here.
- All righty.
- [Door unlocks.]
What? Son of a gun.
Those damn throwaway kids escaped tonight.
No, no, no, no, no! Damn it, Scagnetti! I know this was you! - Oh, God.
I'm trapped again.
- Scagnetti: [Laughs.]
- Come on! Scagnetti! - Yeah! [Laughs.]
I'm gonna rip off your head and [bleep.]
down your neck! No, come on, guys! I'm just fooling around! - Up yours, Murray! - Hey, guys?