The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s02e10 Episode Script
Leg Rubber
For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello.
- And t little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
Karl, when was the last time you reminisced? Well, my mom and dad have been around, haven't they? - So been reminiscing a lot.
- Yeah yeah.
- Um - What were you thinking about? We're just chatting about tic tacs.
One of the great memories, yeah.
- Happy memories.
- Now, I used to love them when I was younger.
- Me dad got a load of them.
- What, this year? No no, years ago.
Years ago when I loved them.
I said I loved tic tacs, me.
- Yeah.
- He met one of his mates.
- He didn't Nick them from the sweetshop? - No no.
No, he knew some mate who could get his hand on a load.
Right.
Thief He was a thief.
He must have got about 30 crates of tic tacs?! Honestly.
About 24 in each crate.
We got them stuck in a cupboard under the Just in the kitchen in the corner.
Yeah.
Now I worked my way through about six crates.
- I was quite happy.
- When in how long? I don't know, in about two weeks, three weeks, or something.
And then after that, I'm getting sick of these.
- Right.
- Yeah, you were minty fresh.
Oh, lovely fresh breath.
Yeah, but I haven't got that much more to tell you about it.
- It's just - I'm sorry.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Bear in mind, this was something he was recently reminiscing with his parents about.
They were sat round and we've already learned up to an hour could go by reminiscing.
So for an hour talking about the great tic tac saga.
I've already run out of responses.
I've got nothing to say about that.
- No opinion, eh? - I was nearly gonna say what'd you do with the empty little flicky tic tac boxes, then you realized that that's utterly dull and boring and not very interesting.
I was struggling.
I don't know what this anecdote is other than a bloke other than you said to your dad, "I like tic tacs, me.
" He went, "All right, I'll talk to Albert.
Albert, you got tic tacs?" "I've got 30 crates if that'll do you.
" "Bring them around.
Put them under the cupboard.
" "He's gone through 12 crates.
" "What's his breath like?" "Fucking lovely, but he's being sick all over the cunting place.
" "Oh, do you want some more?" "No, of course we fucking don't.
" "You'll talk about that in a few years' time.
" "Of course we will, for about a fucking hour.
Then we'll bring it up in an audiobook.
" That's I think that's how we got on to it.
Because even though I tried to get rid of a load.
I used to give them to mates, take them to school, say, "Have some tic tacs.
You can have them for free.
" We used a load in the cat litter tray.
- No! No, you didn't.
- We did.
- No, you didn't.
- It was just ways of getting rid of them.
Jesus Christ! Sort of freshy sort of freshy smell, isn't it? - That's amazing.
- It's the same sort of condensity in that.
Condensity? It's the same condensity.
- Similar condensity.
- Yeah, so I got rid of them like that.
And then the weird thing was even though I'd got shut of them all, um, you'd be vaccing up and you'd always hear one tinging its way up the tube.
It's tinging its way up the tube.
It's tinging its way up the tube it's tinging its way up the tube ting tong, ping pong it's tinging its way up the tube.
That sounds like something from "Willy Wonka.
" - Oh God.
- No, I'm just demonstrating that.
Because that's how many there were around the house.
You'd drop them and they'd go in every corner, like Pac-Man or something.
They'd be everywhere.
- You'd be vaccing up, tinging it up.
- Amazing.
"Sheila's getting married.
I'm gonna get some confetti.
" "Don't buy any confetti.
Go to cupboard under stairs.
" So, um, so that's a little memory there, isn't it? - It is a little memory.
- It's a really little memory.
The strange tic tac house in Salford where everything is made of tic tacs.
Wow, that must have been a helluva time you had with your parents there in your tic tac reminiscence.
No, but it's better.
You see, you're saying, "Oh, what a boring story that is" "You've regraveled the drive.
" "Yes, smell it.
Suck suck the drive if you want.
" - Fucking hell.
- No, but it's different.
When me mom and dad are there and they can remember that, they're going, "Oh yeah yeah, the tic tac incident.
" - The tic tac - What's known as the tic tac incident.
The tic tac incident.
"Let us never speak of the tic tac incident.
" I just imagine the clock ticking.
It's Christmas day.
"What are you smiling at?" "Oh, remember it used to ting up the tube.
" You should think about sending this to Hollywood.
Listen, what do you remember then? - What do I remember? - What do you remember? That's an amazing thing to say.
- That's a difficult question to answer.
- Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Karl, I know you like to be kept abreast of all the latest-breaking science news.
Did you read recently about the blind mice that they have been able to make see again? And hopefully they're they're whatever they did which allowed these mice to be able to see again, they're hoping to be able to do with humans in maybe about 10 years' time or at least begin tests.
Extraordinary, isn't it, to be able I mean, to be able to cure blindness would be a remarkable achievement in science.
It is, but it's just that thing how they say they've done it on mice - and what have you.
- Yeah.
If I was blind and I went in for the meeting the doctor and they said, "Do you want yours doing?" And then they said, like, "We've done it on mice.
" That wouldn't be good enough for me.
I'd say, "Look, when the blind fellow gets in, don't say 'we've done it on mice.
' just say, 'we've done this on eyes.
'" Because "If he goes, 'What eyes?' Say, 'Just a pair of eyes.
'" as soon as you say mouse's eyes, it's like, well, it's not the same and it sort of it would make me go, "I'll leave it.
" Yeah, and then you wake up and you can see, but you've got very tiny eyes.
"You've put in mice eyes! I'm scared of cats.
" It's just eyes.
I don't like havin' me eyes messed with.
Even if I was blind, I wouldn't like it.
- Right.
- Uh And I think that mine are more active than most, - my eyes.
- What do you mean? Um Well, I went for a what's-her-name.
Steve, you don't know.
I've had problems with me legs.
Oh, Christ almighty.
He's the same What are you, 33? - He's a hypochondriac.
- And you talk like you're a 70-year-old man.
Honestly, the slightest thing He's got time off work for this.
Oh, he went to the dentist three times in one week.
He goes and has his legs rubbed two times a week - for some reason.
- No, I don't, I don't.
In and out of the kidney hospital and they're going, "There's no kidney stone, Mr.
Pilkington.
" He's going, "All right.
" Christ almighty.
Do some fucking work.
No, the thing is I've been in the last, like, working hard and I've let my body get rundown a bit.
How have you you're 30 what are you? Right, 33.
Sorry to start off with such a hard question.
But how have you been working for 30 years? Well, I just have.
- I've got on with it.
- At three, at three? - No, I'm just saying.
- You didn't get on with anything at school.
- You were just pissing about.
- Yeah.
You weren't working out there.
What was the first job you got? - How old were you? - Uh, I was 15.
Right okay, so you've been working for 15 years then, okay good.
But I had me paper route when I was 10 and that was hard graft.
That's why I'm bald and that getting up at half 4:00.
It all adds up, doesn't it? It all adds up.
- So anyway - Mmm.
I kicked my height when I was a kid.
He always says this like it's a classic story that everyone should know.
- Everyone knows, right.
- And also the phrase "kicking my height," explain what you mean.
I just kicked my height when I was Kick your No one understands, Karl.
You kicked your leg up to the height you were at that time.
- Yeah.
- "I kicked my height," it's not a well-known phrase.
You can't just go, "I kicked my height.
" So you were so you were 4 1/2' and you've put your toe up into the air 4 1/2' by kicking.
Yeah, but I landed on me back.
Right, okay.
Imagine seeing that in the playground.
They go, "Get Karl Pilkington to kick his height.
" "I bet he falls over like a fucking penguin.
" It wasn't in the playground.
Me dad got me to do it in the garden.
- Brilliant.
They sell tickets.
- Why did you fall? The neighbors were cracking up.
Why did you fall over? Did you hit yourself in the head? I kicked me height.
I mean, me leg got high up, but I was that chuffed that I got that high I didn't think of putting me leg down again.
Everyone said, "Look, like, what the fuck did that little bloke " he's got to think it all through.
I thought it was automatic.
- It stayed there.
- You sort of stay balanced.
- Christ almighty.
- "Oh, I'm loving this.
This is brilliant.
What should I do now? I've got me leg up.
I'll just keep it up.
Whoa!" "Like a Hitler salute with his leg.
" - What were you doing? - So anyway, I landed on me back.
And, uh, and I did some damage, I think.
- And it's because of that.
- Are you sure you didn't land on your head? And it's because of that, like all them years and what have you, - I've had like a trapped nerve in me leg.
- Right.
So I thought, "Right, now's the time to have it done," because when you get older I mean it was the kidney stone thing.
Once you've seen once you've sort of looked at, you know, death and what have you, it just makes you think, "Gotta start looking after the body.
" Do you think you could die of the slightly bad leg that you've had for 15 years? Think that'll eventually kill you? Well, it could do if I can't run away from danger quick enough.
Right.
Again, you're thinking of "Jurassic Park" coming true.
Whatever though.
I'm just saying you've gotta look after yourself.
- You could always hop.
- If there's anyone listening - who's got a problem, get it sorted.
- I'll tell you what: If you have to fight off danger and you kick them, put the leg back down immediately after.
So anyway, so I went to see this fella to a professional leg rubber.
- A professional leg rubber? - Yeah.
And he's he sort of said a few things that were quite interesting.
Remember that time when we had the chat on the last lot of, like, podcasts? I said, "Am I in charge of me brain? Or is me brain in charge of me?" Yes, you remember what I said? That's the most stupid thing you've ever said.
Yeah well, listen to this then.
So I go and see this leg rubber.
Professional leg rubber, yeah.
Right, and he is professional.
Remember, a leg rubber.
You haven't said doctor at any point in this conversation.
- He's a leg rubber.
- So however profound this is, it came from a man who is self-confessed professionally leg rubbing.
- Not just legs.
- Did he do left and right? Back rubbing as well.
He does it all.
- Professional rubber.
- So I'm in there, and I didn't mention about how I thought me brain was you know, was in charge of me and stuff.
Uh, I'm lying there.
He's bending me about and what have you.
The first problem he came across is that me nerves aren't long enough for me body.
Me nerves aren't long enough for your body? He was lifting me legs up, and I was going, "Right, whoa, stop that a minute.
That's hurting, that.
" "What do you mean? I've only got them like like just about " - that's your tendons.
- No no, but your nerves are in your legs as well.
And your tendons don't hurt.
It's your nerves that kick in.
It's your nerves that make you go, "that hurts.
" But they hurt because your tendons are being overstretched.
I'm just telling you what he said.
So he lifted the leg up and I went "right, stop doing that.
" Was this above a launderette, this surgery? No, it's a proper place.
He had like towels and all that.
- Oh, he's got towels.
- Oh okay, yeah.
- So, um - Definitely a launderette.
- So I'm lying there - Other people's towels.
He's got towels, underpants, bras.
Halfway through he said, "you haven't got 20p, have you, for the dryer?" So I'm lying there and he lifts the leg up, and I'm like "oh, that hurts a lot.
" So he said, "oh yeah, short nerves.
" "What do you mean?" He said, "Your outside of the body is longer than your insides.
" He doesn't sound like a doctor.
He does not.
The outside of your body is longer than the inside.
So he had me lying on me front and he was sort of crushing me back.
And he was going, "Does that hurt?" I said, "Yeah.
" It was like 48 quid, this, as well.
Put me through all this pain and what have you.
You got some good advice though.
He said, "You're pretty stressed.
" And I said, "Yeah, I have quite a bit of stress in me life.
" I explained to him about the kidney stones and that.
So He went "Oh, shut the fuck up.
" He said, "That's why you probably got a lot of tenseness.
" A lot of tenseness? Is that the phrase he used as a trained professional rubber? He's a doctor.
He's definitely a doctor.
So anyway, he said, "Do you relax much?" "You haven't got any Lenor, have you? I want these sheets to come out nice and soft.
" He said, "You should learn to meditate or something because you know, you're all tensed up.
We're living in a stressful world.
" I said, "Tell me about it.
" So when I was telling him that I have problems relaxing, he said, "Oh, you're obviously the sort of person " " who's colorful enough to spend 46 quid for this hokum.
" He said, "You're the sort of person whose brain is in charge of them, rather than them being in charge of the brain.
" So all you did was you met a person as stupid as you.
No, but I thought it's interesting that this is what he does for a living, and he picked up that was the first visit.
I'd only been there about 22 minutes.
You get half an hour for 48 quid.
But he picked up on that within, like, 15 minutes.
No, he saw a right fucking sucker coming.
No, he did pick up on that, yeah.
Don't go to him again.
The reason Oh well, I am doing it.
I've got locked into it.
I've gotta go at least another three times.
- Why? - I tried to get out of it.
I didn't realize that you have a minimum amount of things.
I can't wait.
What's the wisdom he's gonna come up with next week? That'll be brilliant.
I will kind of, yeah.
- No, but what I'm saying is - "Your blood's paranoid.
You've got jealous bones.
You're the sort of person whose stomach's hungrier than you.
" What absolute fucking nonsense.
Do you know, like, how we were talking about eyes, weren't we? He said, he said, "The thing is, you know, you've gotta be able to relax, and the way to do it is to focus.
" I said "What do you mean?" "When you go to sleep " "You're the sort of person whose eyes can see further than you can.
" He said, "When you go to sleep " "Close your eyes " " Instead of just leaving them open staring at the ceiling.
" "But, Karl, keep breathing.
" Yeah, "Keep breathing.
Close your eyes.
You're not dead.
It may seem like it, but you're not.
You're just asleep.
" - So he said, uh - Oh, fuck me.
He said "What you've gotta do when you go to sleep, focus on your toe, right?" Okay.
He said, "And just think about nothing else.
" I still think he's a witch.
Did he say to put a toad under the bed? No, he just said, "Focus on the toe and see how you go on and what have you.
Next time you come in, let me know.
" Anyway, I gave this a go, focusing on the toe.
So what does this mean? You mean you sat in bed staring at your toes? "No this is it.
He said like lie down, shut your eyes and" - Visualize.
- " And sort of look at it," sort of thing.
So I was lying there.
It just wasn't working because Oh, Karl, this isn't medicine! - Because even though - You were thinking of a finger? He found out he was thinking of someone else's toe.
Next day someone called up and said,< "Karl, my toe's better.
" No, the problem was, I was still using me eyes even though I had them shut.
Oh God, oh God, just when I think he could never come up with something that stupid, he pulls that one out of the bag.
- Right.
So what does that mean? - Oh God! You were using your eyes even though they were shut? What does that mean? I was straining them.
I had them shut, but I was sort of looking down at my foot.
You were trying to see through your eyelids at your toe? I was looking down at something, and that's where the foot is.
Because of that, I was straining them.
They were stinging.
So I had to pack it in.
I'm gonna die.
I am going to die.
Why out of interest though, and this will sound naive Why don't we remember the very early moments of our lives? Why is it? Is it is it because it would be too harrowing to remember the point at which we, uh, were sort of born? I don't really remember anything from those first few years.
Why is it? Is it because the brain's not fully formed? - I don't know.
- The memory is not sufficiently developed? It's gotta be trauma, isn't it? It's the things Again we were talking about me being younger and the youngest I could remember back to was 1978.
How old were you then? - Uh - When were you born? - '72.
- You couldn't remember earlier than six? You can remember back to about two or three, most people.
No.
No way, no way.
Me mom and dad don't even remember me then.
Because you're not doing anything.
This is what I'm saying.
My mom and dad don't even remember me then.
That's amazing.
Because they they they pinpoint things They remember all the tic tacs they've ever eaten.
"Do you remember when Karl was six.
" "Of course I do.
" "Five?" "Yeah.
" "Four?" "Yeah.
" "Three?" "No.
" "Two?" "No!" Because you're not doing anything, are you? Me mom and dad don't even remember me then.
- So and it's weird - I remember I must have been about two, sitting on a potty surrounded by LEGO.
I remember that.
Very strong image I have of that.
No, I don't remember that.
You wouldn't remember that, would you? No, you weren't there.
What do you mean? You don't remember Steve sitting on the potty surrounded by LEGO? No, I mean, I can't remember having a potty.
I remember having one I'm not suggesting you'd have the same memory.
No, you used to go in a fucking litter tray.
Now I know why To eat a tic tac while you're having a shit.
Okay, so what is your very first memory? The one that cropped up the other day was having me eyes sort of glued together by, um Gangsters? "Where's the fucking tic tacs? - We lost a whole truckful.
" - No, when I was on holiday and I slept near the window and the window was open, I used to wake up in the morning with me eyes shut.
Me mom and dad thought I was having a lovely lie in.
I just couldn't open me eyes.
Why were they glued? What do you mean they were glued? Wait wait, but why didn't you say "Mom, dad, I'm not asleep.
My eyes are glued together?" It's just that you get a buildup on the eyelashes.
Yeah yeah, when they came in and you could sense them looking at you I don't know they were there.
I went to what's-her-name? Harley street.
I went for a checkup and, like, a medical.
Posh you know Harley Street.
It's, like, it's the top doctors and that.
I've never been before.
All posh buildings and that.
I went up to the counter.
I said, "Here to see the doctor.
" They said, "Name? Yeah right.
Give us 10 minutes.
Go and wait in the waiting room.
" Dead posh waiting room.
Dead fancy.
Big leather furniture and that.
Loads of magazines.
I mean like a newsagent's in the middle of the room on the table, loads of 'em.
So I'm looking through and there's, you know, there's the top-quality ones, your "Esquire," you know, "GQ" classy "Yacht Weekly," all that "Country Life," uh, "Boyz.
" - "Boyz"? - There's one there, yeah "Boyz.
" What's that? I lifted up, like, the one on top of it and it's like "Boyz" with a zed.
Two fellows stood there looking, uh sort of Italian-looking.
- Uh-huh yeah.
- Right.
Uh, dungarees on.
- No shirt then? - No shirt, just dungarees, sort of unbuttoned, hanging down a bit.
No one else is about.
I'm never gonna buy a magazine like that.
I can't believe you're gonna tell us you looked through a gay magazine? I had a little little look just because I thought, you know, like I say, it's one chance.
You're always looking to learn, aren't you? I open it.
There might have been something in there that I go, "I get it now.
I understand why they like doing that.
" So she said I was gonna you know, 10-minute wait.
I can have a quick flick through.
Picked it up, had a look.
Um, still none the wiser.
- Why? - What did you see when you opened it up? Um, just loads of, uh I mean, like I've said to you before about I don't know why they like looking at knobs when they've got one of their own.
- Right right.
- There's no surprises there.
- You're not gonna go, "Oh, all right.
" - Sure, yeah.
Some had like car oil on the face, uh, knob out.
There was someone sat on a like, uh, one of them square things of hay.
- Oh yeah, a bale.
- Sat there like sort of sat on it straddling it.
- Yeah, that must have been uncomfortable.
- Again, knob out? Yeah yeah, just looking just looking like it's normal.
That's crazy.
No farmer walks around like that.
What's the other one? There was, uh You know, a motorbike.
They always like them.
I'm going through and then the content is all puns.
- Right.
- It all everything was to do with knob.
- Right.
- That's the only bit they're interested in - on the male body.
- "Look at this bloke straddling this huge throbbing thing.
The bike's not bad, either.
" Yeah, all that.
Loads of them.
It was just Just all just cock.
Just 100% like let's just talk about the knob.
- That's a good name for a gay magazine - "100% Cock.
" Did it not at any moment sort of maybe slightly unnerve you that you might the doctor might come in and see you reading "Boyz"? - No, 'cause I wasn't - Or what if I walked through? 'Cause I remember once when you were in hospital, about to have a tube going down your knob and you were sitting in your pants with stockings on and I walked through and you were horrified.
So what if I had walked in then and went, "Karl, what are you doing?" I would just said, "Look at this.
Look at this.
It's free.
" And I would've said, "Why did you bring that with you?" No, I would've just said, "Look, does it look like I brought it with me?" Yes, yes it does because I've never I would never see You would never see a gay magazine in a doctor's waiting room so I think you bought that and then pretended that it was there.
That's the thing.
That's I was amazed by that.
'Cause there was no like, you know, there was no "Mayfair" or anything.
They just catered for like if you wanted a bit of knob action.
It was really I mean, really I could have complained.
"If you are gonna have this, where's a bit of the other? You have a bit of this.
Where's a bit of the other?" Another one of the things that they had and I thought they're really struggling with ideas.
They had a suckcocko.
- As in sudoku? - Yeah.
- "Suckcocko.
" - Surely sudicko is better.
No, 'cause it was like suck-cocko.
- Yeah, but it's dick as well.
- Suckdicko? - Yeah.
- What, and it was still a sudoku-style puzzle - but it just had that name? - Yeah yeah.
- It was everything.
- It was just sudoku, but called suckcocko? That's amazing.
That is amazing.
Now if I was gay, do you know, like "Let's have a game of lubo.
" "Let's have a game of knobopoly.
" "Knob-bration.
" Knob-bration.
Let's have a game of chess Cock.
"Let's have a game of fuckaroo.
" - That works for either sex.
- Yeah, that's true.
- That's how we spend our Christmases.
- Okay then fuckapoo.
Oh God.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello.
- And t little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
Karl, when was the last time you reminisced? Well, my mom and dad have been around, haven't they? - So been reminiscing a lot.
- Yeah yeah.
- Um - What were you thinking about? We're just chatting about tic tacs.
One of the great memories, yeah.
- Happy memories.
- Now, I used to love them when I was younger.
- Me dad got a load of them.
- What, this year? No no, years ago.
Years ago when I loved them.
I said I loved tic tacs, me.
- Yeah.
- He met one of his mates.
- He didn't Nick them from the sweetshop? - No no.
No, he knew some mate who could get his hand on a load.
Right.
Thief He was a thief.
He must have got about 30 crates of tic tacs?! Honestly.
About 24 in each crate.
We got them stuck in a cupboard under the Just in the kitchen in the corner.
Yeah.
Now I worked my way through about six crates.
- I was quite happy.
- When in how long? I don't know, in about two weeks, three weeks, or something.
And then after that, I'm getting sick of these.
- Right.
- Yeah, you were minty fresh.
Oh, lovely fresh breath.
Yeah, but I haven't got that much more to tell you about it.
- It's just - I'm sorry.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Bear in mind, this was something he was recently reminiscing with his parents about.
They were sat round and we've already learned up to an hour could go by reminiscing.
So for an hour talking about the great tic tac saga.
I've already run out of responses.
I've got nothing to say about that.
- No opinion, eh? - I was nearly gonna say what'd you do with the empty little flicky tic tac boxes, then you realized that that's utterly dull and boring and not very interesting.
I was struggling.
I don't know what this anecdote is other than a bloke other than you said to your dad, "I like tic tacs, me.
" He went, "All right, I'll talk to Albert.
Albert, you got tic tacs?" "I've got 30 crates if that'll do you.
" "Bring them around.
Put them under the cupboard.
" "He's gone through 12 crates.
" "What's his breath like?" "Fucking lovely, but he's being sick all over the cunting place.
" "Oh, do you want some more?" "No, of course we fucking don't.
" "You'll talk about that in a few years' time.
" "Of course we will, for about a fucking hour.
Then we'll bring it up in an audiobook.
" That's I think that's how we got on to it.
Because even though I tried to get rid of a load.
I used to give them to mates, take them to school, say, "Have some tic tacs.
You can have them for free.
" We used a load in the cat litter tray.
- No! No, you didn't.
- We did.
- No, you didn't.
- It was just ways of getting rid of them.
Jesus Christ! Sort of freshy sort of freshy smell, isn't it? - That's amazing.
- It's the same sort of condensity in that.
Condensity? It's the same condensity.
- Similar condensity.
- Yeah, so I got rid of them like that.
And then the weird thing was even though I'd got shut of them all, um, you'd be vaccing up and you'd always hear one tinging its way up the tube.
It's tinging its way up the tube.
It's tinging its way up the tube it's tinging its way up the tube ting tong, ping pong it's tinging its way up the tube.
That sounds like something from "Willy Wonka.
" - Oh God.
- No, I'm just demonstrating that.
Because that's how many there were around the house.
You'd drop them and they'd go in every corner, like Pac-Man or something.
They'd be everywhere.
- You'd be vaccing up, tinging it up.
- Amazing.
"Sheila's getting married.
I'm gonna get some confetti.
" "Don't buy any confetti.
Go to cupboard under stairs.
" So, um, so that's a little memory there, isn't it? - It is a little memory.
- It's a really little memory.
The strange tic tac house in Salford where everything is made of tic tacs.
Wow, that must have been a helluva time you had with your parents there in your tic tac reminiscence.
No, but it's better.
You see, you're saying, "Oh, what a boring story that is" "You've regraveled the drive.
" "Yes, smell it.
Suck suck the drive if you want.
" - Fucking hell.
- No, but it's different.
When me mom and dad are there and they can remember that, they're going, "Oh yeah yeah, the tic tac incident.
" - The tic tac - What's known as the tic tac incident.
The tic tac incident.
"Let us never speak of the tic tac incident.
" I just imagine the clock ticking.
It's Christmas day.
"What are you smiling at?" "Oh, remember it used to ting up the tube.
" You should think about sending this to Hollywood.
Listen, what do you remember then? - What do I remember? - What do you remember? That's an amazing thing to say.
- That's a difficult question to answer.
- Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Karl, I know you like to be kept abreast of all the latest-breaking science news.
Did you read recently about the blind mice that they have been able to make see again? And hopefully they're they're whatever they did which allowed these mice to be able to see again, they're hoping to be able to do with humans in maybe about 10 years' time or at least begin tests.
Extraordinary, isn't it, to be able I mean, to be able to cure blindness would be a remarkable achievement in science.
It is, but it's just that thing how they say they've done it on mice - and what have you.
- Yeah.
If I was blind and I went in for the meeting the doctor and they said, "Do you want yours doing?" And then they said, like, "We've done it on mice.
" That wouldn't be good enough for me.
I'd say, "Look, when the blind fellow gets in, don't say 'we've done it on mice.
' just say, 'we've done this on eyes.
'" Because "If he goes, 'What eyes?' Say, 'Just a pair of eyes.
'" as soon as you say mouse's eyes, it's like, well, it's not the same and it sort of it would make me go, "I'll leave it.
" Yeah, and then you wake up and you can see, but you've got very tiny eyes.
"You've put in mice eyes! I'm scared of cats.
" It's just eyes.
I don't like havin' me eyes messed with.
Even if I was blind, I wouldn't like it.
- Right.
- Uh And I think that mine are more active than most, - my eyes.
- What do you mean? Um Well, I went for a what's-her-name.
Steve, you don't know.
I've had problems with me legs.
Oh, Christ almighty.
He's the same What are you, 33? - He's a hypochondriac.
- And you talk like you're a 70-year-old man.
Honestly, the slightest thing He's got time off work for this.
Oh, he went to the dentist three times in one week.
He goes and has his legs rubbed two times a week - for some reason.
- No, I don't, I don't.
In and out of the kidney hospital and they're going, "There's no kidney stone, Mr.
Pilkington.
" He's going, "All right.
" Christ almighty.
Do some fucking work.
No, the thing is I've been in the last, like, working hard and I've let my body get rundown a bit.
How have you you're 30 what are you? Right, 33.
Sorry to start off with such a hard question.
But how have you been working for 30 years? Well, I just have.
- I've got on with it.
- At three, at three? - No, I'm just saying.
- You didn't get on with anything at school.
- You were just pissing about.
- Yeah.
You weren't working out there.
What was the first job you got? - How old were you? - Uh, I was 15.
Right okay, so you've been working for 15 years then, okay good.
But I had me paper route when I was 10 and that was hard graft.
That's why I'm bald and that getting up at half 4:00.
It all adds up, doesn't it? It all adds up.
- So anyway - Mmm.
I kicked my height when I was a kid.
He always says this like it's a classic story that everyone should know.
- Everyone knows, right.
- And also the phrase "kicking my height," explain what you mean.
I just kicked my height when I was Kick your No one understands, Karl.
You kicked your leg up to the height you were at that time.
- Yeah.
- "I kicked my height," it's not a well-known phrase.
You can't just go, "I kicked my height.
" So you were so you were 4 1/2' and you've put your toe up into the air 4 1/2' by kicking.
Yeah, but I landed on me back.
Right, okay.
Imagine seeing that in the playground.
They go, "Get Karl Pilkington to kick his height.
" "I bet he falls over like a fucking penguin.
" It wasn't in the playground.
Me dad got me to do it in the garden.
- Brilliant.
They sell tickets.
- Why did you fall? The neighbors were cracking up.
Why did you fall over? Did you hit yourself in the head? I kicked me height.
I mean, me leg got high up, but I was that chuffed that I got that high I didn't think of putting me leg down again.
Everyone said, "Look, like, what the fuck did that little bloke " he's got to think it all through.
I thought it was automatic.
- It stayed there.
- You sort of stay balanced.
- Christ almighty.
- "Oh, I'm loving this.
This is brilliant.
What should I do now? I've got me leg up.
I'll just keep it up.
Whoa!" "Like a Hitler salute with his leg.
" - What were you doing? - So anyway, I landed on me back.
And, uh, and I did some damage, I think.
- And it's because of that.
- Are you sure you didn't land on your head? And it's because of that, like all them years and what have you, - I've had like a trapped nerve in me leg.
- Right.
So I thought, "Right, now's the time to have it done," because when you get older I mean it was the kidney stone thing.
Once you've seen once you've sort of looked at, you know, death and what have you, it just makes you think, "Gotta start looking after the body.
" Do you think you could die of the slightly bad leg that you've had for 15 years? Think that'll eventually kill you? Well, it could do if I can't run away from danger quick enough.
Right.
Again, you're thinking of "Jurassic Park" coming true.
Whatever though.
I'm just saying you've gotta look after yourself.
- You could always hop.
- If there's anyone listening - who's got a problem, get it sorted.
- I'll tell you what: If you have to fight off danger and you kick them, put the leg back down immediately after.
So anyway, so I went to see this fella to a professional leg rubber.
- A professional leg rubber? - Yeah.
And he's he sort of said a few things that were quite interesting.
Remember that time when we had the chat on the last lot of, like, podcasts? I said, "Am I in charge of me brain? Or is me brain in charge of me?" Yes, you remember what I said? That's the most stupid thing you've ever said.
Yeah well, listen to this then.
So I go and see this leg rubber.
Professional leg rubber, yeah.
Right, and he is professional.
Remember, a leg rubber.
You haven't said doctor at any point in this conversation.
- He's a leg rubber.
- So however profound this is, it came from a man who is self-confessed professionally leg rubbing.
- Not just legs.
- Did he do left and right? Back rubbing as well.
He does it all.
- Professional rubber.
- So I'm in there, and I didn't mention about how I thought me brain was you know, was in charge of me and stuff.
Uh, I'm lying there.
He's bending me about and what have you.
The first problem he came across is that me nerves aren't long enough for me body.
Me nerves aren't long enough for your body? He was lifting me legs up, and I was going, "Right, whoa, stop that a minute.
That's hurting, that.
" "What do you mean? I've only got them like like just about " - that's your tendons.
- No no, but your nerves are in your legs as well.
And your tendons don't hurt.
It's your nerves that kick in.
It's your nerves that make you go, "that hurts.
" But they hurt because your tendons are being overstretched.
I'm just telling you what he said.
So he lifted the leg up and I went "right, stop doing that.
" Was this above a launderette, this surgery? No, it's a proper place.
He had like towels and all that.
- Oh, he's got towels.
- Oh okay, yeah.
- So, um - Definitely a launderette.
- So I'm lying there - Other people's towels.
He's got towels, underpants, bras.
Halfway through he said, "you haven't got 20p, have you, for the dryer?" So I'm lying there and he lifts the leg up, and I'm like "oh, that hurts a lot.
" So he said, "oh yeah, short nerves.
" "What do you mean?" He said, "Your outside of the body is longer than your insides.
" He doesn't sound like a doctor.
He does not.
The outside of your body is longer than the inside.
So he had me lying on me front and he was sort of crushing me back.
And he was going, "Does that hurt?" I said, "Yeah.
" It was like 48 quid, this, as well.
Put me through all this pain and what have you.
You got some good advice though.
He said, "You're pretty stressed.
" And I said, "Yeah, I have quite a bit of stress in me life.
" I explained to him about the kidney stones and that.
So He went "Oh, shut the fuck up.
" He said, "That's why you probably got a lot of tenseness.
" A lot of tenseness? Is that the phrase he used as a trained professional rubber? He's a doctor.
He's definitely a doctor.
So anyway, he said, "Do you relax much?" "You haven't got any Lenor, have you? I want these sheets to come out nice and soft.
" He said, "You should learn to meditate or something because you know, you're all tensed up.
We're living in a stressful world.
" I said, "Tell me about it.
" So when I was telling him that I have problems relaxing, he said, "Oh, you're obviously the sort of person " " who's colorful enough to spend 46 quid for this hokum.
" He said, "You're the sort of person whose brain is in charge of them, rather than them being in charge of the brain.
" So all you did was you met a person as stupid as you.
No, but I thought it's interesting that this is what he does for a living, and he picked up that was the first visit.
I'd only been there about 22 minutes.
You get half an hour for 48 quid.
But he picked up on that within, like, 15 minutes.
No, he saw a right fucking sucker coming.
No, he did pick up on that, yeah.
Don't go to him again.
The reason Oh well, I am doing it.
I've got locked into it.
I've gotta go at least another three times.
- Why? - I tried to get out of it.
I didn't realize that you have a minimum amount of things.
I can't wait.
What's the wisdom he's gonna come up with next week? That'll be brilliant.
I will kind of, yeah.
- No, but what I'm saying is - "Your blood's paranoid.
You've got jealous bones.
You're the sort of person whose stomach's hungrier than you.
" What absolute fucking nonsense.
Do you know, like, how we were talking about eyes, weren't we? He said, he said, "The thing is, you know, you've gotta be able to relax, and the way to do it is to focus.
" I said "What do you mean?" "When you go to sleep " "You're the sort of person whose eyes can see further than you can.
" He said, "When you go to sleep " "Close your eyes " " Instead of just leaving them open staring at the ceiling.
" "But, Karl, keep breathing.
" Yeah, "Keep breathing.
Close your eyes.
You're not dead.
It may seem like it, but you're not.
You're just asleep.
" - So he said, uh - Oh, fuck me.
He said "What you've gotta do when you go to sleep, focus on your toe, right?" Okay.
He said, "And just think about nothing else.
" I still think he's a witch.
Did he say to put a toad under the bed? No, he just said, "Focus on the toe and see how you go on and what have you.
Next time you come in, let me know.
" Anyway, I gave this a go, focusing on the toe.
So what does this mean? You mean you sat in bed staring at your toes? "No this is it.
He said like lie down, shut your eyes and" - Visualize.
- " And sort of look at it," sort of thing.
So I was lying there.
It just wasn't working because Oh, Karl, this isn't medicine! - Because even though - You were thinking of a finger? He found out he was thinking of someone else's toe.
Next day someone called up and said,< "Karl, my toe's better.
" No, the problem was, I was still using me eyes even though I had them shut.
Oh God, oh God, just when I think he could never come up with something that stupid, he pulls that one out of the bag.
- Right.
So what does that mean? - Oh God! You were using your eyes even though they were shut? What does that mean? I was straining them.
I had them shut, but I was sort of looking down at my foot.
You were trying to see through your eyelids at your toe? I was looking down at something, and that's where the foot is.
Because of that, I was straining them.
They were stinging.
So I had to pack it in.
I'm gonna die.
I am going to die.
Why out of interest though, and this will sound naive Why don't we remember the very early moments of our lives? Why is it? Is it is it because it would be too harrowing to remember the point at which we, uh, were sort of born? I don't really remember anything from those first few years.
Why is it? Is it because the brain's not fully formed? - I don't know.
- The memory is not sufficiently developed? It's gotta be trauma, isn't it? It's the things Again we were talking about me being younger and the youngest I could remember back to was 1978.
How old were you then? - Uh - When were you born? - '72.
- You couldn't remember earlier than six? You can remember back to about two or three, most people.
No.
No way, no way.
Me mom and dad don't even remember me then.
Because you're not doing anything.
This is what I'm saying.
My mom and dad don't even remember me then.
That's amazing.
Because they they they pinpoint things They remember all the tic tacs they've ever eaten.
"Do you remember when Karl was six.
" "Of course I do.
" "Five?" "Yeah.
" "Four?" "Yeah.
" "Three?" "No.
" "Two?" "No!" Because you're not doing anything, are you? Me mom and dad don't even remember me then.
- So and it's weird - I remember I must have been about two, sitting on a potty surrounded by LEGO.
I remember that.
Very strong image I have of that.
No, I don't remember that.
You wouldn't remember that, would you? No, you weren't there.
What do you mean? You don't remember Steve sitting on the potty surrounded by LEGO? No, I mean, I can't remember having a potty.
I remember having one I'm not suggesting you'd have the same memory.
No, you used to go in a fucking litter tray.
Now I know why To eat a tic tac while you're having a shit.
Okay, so what is your very first memory? The one that cropped up the other day was having me eyes sort of glued together by, um Gangsters? "Where's the fucking tic tacs? - We lost a whole truckful.
" - No, when I was on holiday and I slept near the window and the window was open, I used to wake up in the morning with me eyes shut.
Me mom and dad thought I was having a lovely lie in.
I just couldn't open me eyes.
Why were they glued? What do you mean they were glued? Wait wait, but why didn't you say "Mom, dad, I'm not asleep.
My eyes are glued together?" It's just that you get a buildup on the eyelashes.
Yeah yeah, when they came in and you could sense them looking at you I don't know they were there.
I went to what's-her-name? Harley street.
I went for a checkup and, like, a medical.
Posh you know Harley Street.
It's, like, it's the top doctors and that.
I've never been before.
All posh buildings and that.
I went up to the counter.
I said, "Here to see the doctor.
" They said, "Name? Yeah right.
Give us 10 minutes.
Go and wait in the waiting room.
" Dead posh waiting room.
Dead fancy.
Big leather furniture and that.
Loads of magazines.
I mean like a newsagent's in the middle of the room on the table, loads of 'em.
So I'm looking through and there's, you know, there's the top-quality ones, your "Esquire," you know, "GQ" classy "Yacht Weekly," all that "Country Life," uh, "Boyz.
" - "Boyz"? - There's one there, yeah "Boyz.
" What's that? I lifted up, like, the one on top of it and it's like "Boyz" with a zed.
Two fellows stood there looking, uh sort of Italian-looking.
- Uh-huh yeah.
- Right.
Uh, dungarees on.
- No shirt then? - No shirt, just dungarees, sort of unbuttoned, hanging down a bit.
No one else is about.
I'm never gonna buy a magazine like that.
I can't believe you're gonna tell us you looked through a gay magazine? I had a little little look just because I thought, you know, like I say, it's one chance.
You're always looking to learn, aren't you? I open it.
There might have been something in there that I go, "I get it now.
I understand why they like doing that.
" So she said I was gonna you know, 10-minute wait.
I can have a quick flick through.
Picked it up, had a look.
Um, still none the wiser.
- Why? - What did you see when you opened it up? Um, just loads of, uh I mean, like I've said to you before about I don't know why they like looking at knobs when they've got one of their own.
- Right right.
- There's no surprises there.
- You're not gonna go, "Oh, all right.
" - Sure, yeah.
Some had like car oil on the face, uh, knob out.
There was someone sat on a like, uh, one of them square things of hay.
- Oh yeah, a bale.
- Sat there like sort of sat on it straddling it.
- Yeah, that must have been uncomfortable.
- Again, knob out? Yeah yeah, just looking just looking like it's normal.
That's crazy.
No farmer walks around like that.
What's the other one? There was, uh You know, a motorbike.
They always like them.
I'm going through and then the content is all puns.
- Right.
- It all everything was to do with knob.
- Right.
- That's the only bit they're interested in - on the male body.
- "Look at this bloke straddling this huge throbbing thing.
The bike's not bad, either.
" Yeah, all that.
Loads of them.
It was just Just all just cock.
Just 100% like let's just talk about the knob.
- That's a good name for a gay magazine - "100% Cock.
" Did it not at any moment sort of maybe slightly unnerve you that you might the doctor might come in and see you reading "Boyz"? - No, 'cause I wasn't - Or what if I walked through? 'Cause I remember once when you were in hospital, about to have a tube going down your knob and you were sitting in your pants with stockings on and I walked through and you were horrified.
So what if I had walked in then and went, "Karl, what are you doing?" I would just said, "Look at this.
Look at this.
It's free.
" And I would've said, "Why did you bring that with you?" No, I would've just said, "Look, does it look like I brought it with me?" Yes, yes it does because I've never I would never see You would never see a gay magazine in a doctor's waiting room so I think you bought that and then pretended that it was there.
That's the thing.
That's I was amazed by that.
'Cause there was no like, you know, there was no "Mayfair" or anything.
They just catered for like if you wanted a bit of knob action.
It was really I mean, really I could have complained.
"If you are gonna have this, where's a bit of the other? You have a bit of this.
Where's a bit of the other?" Another one of the things that they had and I thought they're really struggling with ideas.
They had a suckcocko.
- As in sudoku? - Yeah.
- "Suckcocko.
" - Surely sudicko is better.
No, 'cause it was like suck-cocko.
- Yeah, but it's dick as well.
- Suckdicko? - Yeah.
- What, and it was still a sudoku-style puzzle - but it just had that name? - Yeah yeah.
- It was everything.
- It was just sudoku, but called suckcocko? That's amazing.
That is amazing.
Now if I was gay, do you know, like "Let's have a game of lubo.
" "Let's have a game of knobopoly.
" "Knob-bration.
" Knob-bration.
Let's have a game of chess Cock.
"Let's have a game of fuckaroo.
" - That works for either sex.
- Yeah, that's true.
- That's how we spend our Christmases.
- Okay then fuckapoo.
Oh God.