The Wild Wild West (1965) s02e10 Episode Script
The Night of the Green Terror
I can't believe it.
It's as though every living thing had suddenly disappeared from this forest.
I haven't seen a bird in three days.
Not one.
Artie, look.
Dead.
All the berries are dead.
Well, everything else seems to be perfectly all right.
Why only the fruit-bearing plants? It's as though anything that could sustain life in this forest is suddenly dead.
Well, maybe the Indians in Bright Star know something.
So welcome to Sherwood Forest, our naughty varlets.
Merry men, huh? Hate to think what they look like when they're not merry.
I know where I'm going And I know Who's going with me I know who I love But the dear knows Who I'll marry Some say he's bad But I, I say he's bonny Fairest of them all My handsome Winsome Johnny I know where I'm going And I know Who's going with me I know who I love Squab, gentlemen? Or would you rather eat crow? Well, if it isn't our old friend Dr.
Miguelito Loveless.
Ph.
D.
Well, my sweet chuck, my bully blade, what brings you to Sherwood Forest? Robin Hood bids you welcome hith- Don't show any interest.
You know he'll tell us everything.
He can't stand being ignored.
You're right.
Prithee, Robin, take heed of thy hay fever.
Prithee, blow thy nose.
Thank you, fair Maid Marian.
Well, old sly boots, what perilous dragon must be slain this time? Well, now, don't try to pretend you're not interested.
I can tell you're dying of curiosity.
Well, I'll tell you.
Fifteen miles from here, there's an Indian village, the village of Bright Star.
Now, not long ago, a famine befell them, and the Indians starved.
I suppose you're here to tell us you did it.
I? Bring such a miracle to pass? Oh, I think you flatter me too much.
And besides, why would I want to do such a thing to those poor Indians? I demand an answer.
Why would I want to reduce them to such cruel poverty? Because I love them, that's why! Because I want them to realize who their true benefactor is: me! Dr.
Miguelito Loveless, alias, Robin Hood.
Hyah! Hyah! Robin? Robin, art thou all right? I am fine.
But thou hast let them go.
You don't understand, my dear.
I meant to from the very start.
Don't you see? West is so proud of his ability to escape, and I wanted to teach his pride a little lesson.
Varlet, tell Maid Marian what's going to happen to West and his friend when they reach Bright Star.
Ah- Ah- I thought you said they'd be friendly.
We'll find out right away.
That must be the chief.
No, that's his wife.
She fights at his side in every battle.
She looks it.
Who are you? Why have you come? Uh, my name is James West, and this is Artemus Gordon.
How do you do? Uh, we've come a long way to talk to you and your warriors, all the way from Washington, D.
C.
From Washington? Yes.
Is it about the famine you have come? Yes.
Go away.
We've come to help you.
Help? If we had any more of your government's help, we would all starve.
Go away.
Well, can't we talk to you first? A warrior who loves his people will not have a deaf ear to reason.
All right, but I know who my friends are.
But you may speak.
Food from the lord of the forest! Sand.
You have brought us sand instead of food.
Why? My master, the lord of the forest, is very angry with you.
Now he has always treated you with loving kindness.
In your need, he brought you food from his secret sanctuaries.
In return, you have repaid this kindness with disloyalty.
There are among you two strangers who would kill him because they hate him.
Are you loyal to my master? Yes.
Then prove it.
Kill them.
Even an animal kills for food.
Stop! Take him prisoner.
The other one, he got away? Send two of your best trackers to find Mr.
Gordon.
Meanwhile, the lord of the forest is delighted that you have this one.
But he doesn't want you to kill him so quickly.
Use some exquisite Indian torture that takes time.
He despises haste.
It offends his contemplative nature.
Ta-ta, Mr.
West.
Tie him there.
Ugh.
Sorry, I slipped.
Your death will be your own fault for coming here.
I came as a friend because of the famine.
Our government sent help, and you refused it.
Help? You call this help? Seeds to plant, hoes and rakes and paper books.
"Ten Easy Steps for Better Corn.
" "The Proper Care of Rutabaga.
" You call that help? We sent food too, and you sent it back.
Cans of meat that were bad to the taste.
Cans that were spoiled and burst in the sun.
No, that was not help.
But the lord of the forest sent his little warrior to us.
And he brought venison and quail, salmon and trout, and ale that was nut-brown to the taste.
And for all of this, all he asked was loyalty from our people.
We sent you seeds and tools so your people could help themselves.
Look at your village.
Your tepees are decayed.
No one works.
He promised us the good life, where no man needs work again.
The little warrior is not your friend.
Believe me, I know him.
He's evil.
The lord of the forest is good.
He would not have an evil warrior for a servant.
I will go to my people, and we will pray to our gods to banish your spirit from our village after you are dead.
The thong is wet.
As it dries, it will pull the trigger.
It will not take long.
It is a warm day.
I absolutely refuse.
Nobody can make me do what I don't want to.
First it's hay fever, and now it's a terrible cold.
Well, it serves you right, traipsing around in the woods in the twilight dew.
Well, I was practicing my stalking.
Well, I want you to eat your supper.
Oh, I hate venison.
Oh, now.
Mm, besides, it's not this accursed cold.
It's that silly chief in Bright Star.
He still hasn't killed West.
Why does he have to go through all that silly superstitious nonsense first? Well, maybe you've misjudged him.
I? Misjudge people? That's unthinkable.
I know human nature.
Yes, Miguelito.
All you have to do is keep giving people something they want badly enough.
Give it to them for nothing and you reduce them to passive obedient children.
Shh.
You can make them do anything you want to, anything in the world.
They become so dependent on you.
Yes, Miguelito.
I can have them eating out of my hand.
Of course, Miguelito.
Hmm.
I'll probably have to do it myself.
Those Indians dawdle so.
Yes, Miguelito.
Why don't you do it after you finish your nice venison? Sorry to disturb your meditations, Mr.
West.
What are you doing sneaking around here? Sneaking? Not at all.
I just wanted to make sure my friends the Indians didn't disturb our last moments together.
I wanted it to be just the two of us.
Aren't they the devilish lot, though? You just couldn't stay away, could you? Oh, no.
That would be rude, not to say goodbye to an old friend.
And you know how I abhor rudeness.
Sorry, Mr.
West.
I have a terrible cold, and I should never forgive myself if you caught it from me.
Thanks.
Go ahead and gloat.
That's why you came, isn't it? Oh, not at all.
I just thought you might be interested to see how I ended all life in this forest.
I did it with this.
It kills all insects.
And without insects, fruit-bearing trees cannot pollinate.
There can be no fruit.
Don't worry, Mr.
West.
At the moment, the solution isn't strong enough, but add just a little bit more of my secret formula, and "whoo.
" A film forms on water, and all the fish die.
A bit more and birds fly, only to die in a feathered falling.
Just a little bit stronger, the largest elk feels faint, flees, and fading, dies.
And finally, if needs I must, add just a little bit more of my secret formula: man.
And children too? Children who cry out in the night from the hunger you've caused? What can children know of crying in the night? What could children know of a whole lifetime of crying? You know, Mr.
West, in a way, you're lucky.
In a very few minutes, you will be beyond all the pain, all the crying.
Well, what can one say at a time like this, Mr.
West? Au revoir.
No.
Just goodbye.
Once and forever, goodbye, Mr.
West.
Hi, Jim.
Artie.
Stop! Move back.
I don't wanna hurt anybody.
Chief, you're leaving with us, and no one else is to follow.
The rest of you turn around.
Do put down that silly knife, Mr.
West.
Now, really, sometimes you can be quite exasperating.
What are you doing here? I want a powwow.
I have no time for that.
Not with you.
With the lord of the forest.
Tie those two.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ooch.
Ooh, darn these pine needles.
Why can't a forest be decently carpeted? They want a powwow, do they? I'll give 'em powwow.
Get the ladder.
Why do they have to bother me now? I distinctly told them "Don't call us, we'll call you.
" Put it down, quick.
Hurry.
Ah.
Okay, hold that.
Be careful.
Jim, counting all the tribes of the forest, how many "friends" do you suppose that gives Dr.
Loveless? Around 10,000.
Right.
That's quite an army.
I'm ready.
Put the back plate on.
Miguelito, are you all right? I'm fine.
Go see what they're doing.
They're coming.
What urgent matter brings you all into my awful presence? You have said that you can rebuild our country for us, build a new land.
Do you doubt my word? It is a vast country.
The paleface has many towns and cities, and a vast army.
How are they to be defeated? Never fear.
We shall win.
But how? My best young braves said they will fight beside you only if you answer that question.
Order them to.
I am an old man.
They are young and strong.
Well, tell them that if they do not fight, my brave and magnificent warrior, Robin of the wood, will stop bringing food.
You will all starve again.
I have told them that, but they say they will leave the forest and move to other hunting grounds.
Very well.
I shall send my brave and magnificent Robin of the wood to show you.
That little man? I hate being spoken to by him.
Sometimes he acts as though he were a great warrior.
He does not know his place.
He is a genius.
He wants you to have your homeland back.
He wants you to live hereafter in a perfect world, where there will be no work or woe.
He is a saint.
Go now.
He will come to you.
He will show you how we shall regain our country.
Come.
Get the ladder.
That old fool.
Who does he think he is, anyway? "Little man," indeed.
You'll have to go out the back way.
Stop treating me like a servant and get that back plate off.
Whatever that powwow was about, I don't think it turned out too well.
They look sore.
Maybe Loveless cut off their food supply.
Hmm.
How long do you think it'll be before Loveless turns his twisted little mind to us? Right now, Mr.
Gordon.
In fact, you and Mr.
West are never out of my mind.
Untie them.
My master bids me show you how we shall kill the evil palefaces.
The great chief will remain silent.
He says an eagle will not speak with a mole.
Blindfold them and bring them.
Why them? I am to show you how to kill palefaces, am I not? Come with me.
Oh, don't stop, dear.
You play so beautifully.
Uh, seat the gentlemen here, please.
Hmm.
Uh, remove the blindfolds.
Mr.
West, Mr.
Gordon, welcome to my humble abode.
Now, here we have a town of palefaces, but let us suppose that this town is Washington, D.
C.
Will that do, gentlemen, Washington, D.
C.
? Very well.
This is President Grant, there the vice president.
Over there, there, and over there, cabinet officers.
There's some senators- Be brief.
Yes, yes.
Heh-heh.
Brevity, the soul of wit.
Wit, joy, gaiety.
Gaiety, fun.
A balloon.
A balloon filled with hydrogen.
But a balloon must have a cargo, a precious cargo of green powder, powder of my invention.
But don't be alarmed.
This has been reduced ten thousandfold in strength.
Do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do Do-do Do-do-do-do Do-dah, do-dah Ah, the simple pleasures of boyhood.
And there, gentlemen- There goes Washington, D.
C.
Or Boston or New York or San Francisco.
Anywhere, everywhere the winds carry my balloons, and I shall send thousands of them, tens and hundreds of thousands, and the powder will be at full strength.
And then we shall move in to sack, to loot, to rebuild our cities, for there will be no palefaces left anywhere.
And you tell your warriors that is how we're going to do it.
This is only make-believe, isn't it? Heh-heh.
There was no real city there, no real people, huh? Nothing was real.
But Mr.
West is real.
Now I will show you what this does to a real man.
Is the lord of the forest weak, that he has such a little man do his killing for him? Go ahead and grovel, Mr.
West.
It will get you nowhere.
If he's such a great warrior, why doesn't he prove his strength? Nowhere.
Nowhere, Mr.
West.
Then he must be a coward.
I challenge him to a duel.
You won't be around, Mr.
West.
Stop.
He is right.
Let there be a duel.
Believe me, this is more merciful.
Stop talking back to me, you funny little man.
Tell your master there will be a duel.
Very well.
With maces.
We know that the great lord of the forest is a mighty warrior.
When he wins, we shall fight by his side and give him our loyalty the remainder of our lives.
But if he loses- Impossible! Gods do not lose.
Shut your mouth, little man.
If the impossible happens, and he should lose, then we shall give our loyalty to this warrior.
Now let us prepare to fight.
You ever fought with a mace before? Fought with one? I've never even seen one.
Well, there's always beginner's luck.
Hey, young rider Apple-cheeked One whither riding Hey, young rider No matter where I ride One whither riding Slovak mountain by my side No matter where I ride Duschamoya Slovak mountain by my side Duschamoya Rose, rose, rose, rose Will I ever see thee wed? Jim.
Look, I know this, uh, may sound ridiculous, but what if Loveless were the knight? A mechanical man with Loveless inside.
Yeah.
Ah.
He moves too naturally.
There isn't even a whisper of machinery working.
But remember, Artie, Loveless is a scientific genius.
Yeah, but yesterday when he rode into Bright Star, the knight rode right with him.
At a safe distance.
An empty knight on a horse.
That might be just a suit of armor.
Why would he do it? Well, you know Loveless.
To gain their respect.
Unless he were a heroic knight, he wouldn't stand a chance of getting his respect.
Yeah, but we can tell the chiefs, Jim.
You don't have to go through with this duel.
When he comes out, we just expose him.
Artie, it's not just a question of exposing them.
We have to win them back to our side, and they respect a fighter.
You're right.
You're right.
Just watch your step, that's all.
If I know Loveless, he's sure to try to pull something.
I would marry at thy will Hey, young rider Apple-cheeked One whither riding Hey, young rider No matter where I ride One whither riding Slovak mountain by my side No matter where I ride Duschamoya Slovak mountain by my side Duschamoya And I have a surprise for our friend Mr.
West.
My explosive.
Just enough, not a jot or tittle more, but just enough, so that when this mace hits him, it will explode.
And I, in my magic armor, shall be unscathed.
Ah.
Done.
Whoo-hoo! Bring me the silken pillow.
But first we have a little fun.
Hm.
Some suspense, a touch of pepper to the soup.
We give that mace to Mr.
West.
Miguelito, it- Nah, nah, nah.
Don't worry, my dear.
I know what I'm doing.
Ready? Here they are.
Mr.
West, so that the contest will not be one-sided, I will let you use my favorite mace.
It was given to me by my mother.
It is beautifully balanced.
My compliments to your mother, but I prefer that one.
Look out! Jim, they've got explosives in that thing.
Mr.
West, are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Good luck.
Aagh! Artie! Attack them.
They are warriors of a false god! Miguelito, quickly.
They disappeared in here somewhere.
Quickly now, a balloon.
A balloon.
Now, this is full strength.
Just one of these is enough to send the whole forest up in flames.
I'll show West and those Indians.
Wait till they see this.
"Boom.
" Artie.
it's one of his balloons with the green powder.
Hurry, hurry.
I'm afraid.
Miguelito.
Quickly, into the log.
Into the log.
Quickly.
Quickly! The fire! Hurry.
Help! Hi, Jim.
Find anything? Not a sign.
Whatever you do, don't sit on that log.
You find anything? Just his hunting horn.
Hunted everywhere for them.
There's no sign at all.
Searched for hours.
Maybe they got away, huh? Not a chance.
Well, they certainly were here.
Yeah, they tried to escape out there in the worst part of the fire.
Come on, Artie.
All right.
All right, how'd you do it? How did you do it? What was it you did? Let me show you, Artie.
Here.
Yeah.
It's an outward strike.
Yeah? Elbow to the rib cage.
Right.
Double hammer.
Right.
Back into position, kick.
You did it again.
All right.
All right, now let me do it with you.
It's a block.
Ugh! You've got to watch this elbow.
Very funny.
The block was perfect, Artie.
Yes, of course.
It's a- It's a block.
Artie.
Yeah? Why are we stopping? Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I got a telegram.
We got to pick up a package at the station.
Oh, yes.
We were expecting that.
Thank you.
Oh, you think it's funny? Let's see you open it.
All right, Artie.
I opened it.
Hey.
"From your unknown admirer.
" How about that, Artie? Well, that's the price of fame, Jim.
We got to be sure to- Hey, young rider Apple-cheeked One whither riding No matter where I ride Slovak mountain by my side Oh, no.
Duschamoya
It's as though every living thing had suddenly disappeared from this forest.
I haven't seen a bird in three days.
Not one.
Artie, look.
Dead.
All the berries are dead.
Well, everything else seems to be perfectly all right.
Why only the fruit-bearing plants? It's as though anything that could sustain life in this forest is suddenly dead.
Well, maybe the Indians in Bright Star know something.
So welcome to Sherwood Forest, our naughty varlets.
Merry men, huh? Hate to think what they look like when they're not merry.
I know where I'm going And I know Who's going with me I know who I love But the dear knows Who I'll marry Some say he's bad But I, I say he's bonny Fairest of them all My handsome Winsome Johnny I know where I'm going And I know Who's going with me I know who I love Squab, gentlemen? Or would you rather eat crow? Well, if it isn't our old friend Dr.
Miguelito Loveless.
Ph.
D.
Well, my sweet chuck, my bully blade, what brings you to Sherwood Forest? Robin Hood bids you welcome hith- Don't show any interest.
You know he'll tell us everything.
He can't stand being ignored.
You're right.
Prithee, Robin, take heed of thy hay fever.
Prithee, blow thy nose.
Thank you, fair Maid Marian.
Well, old sly boots, what perilous dragon must be slain this time? Well, now, don't try to pretend you're not interested.
I can tell you're dying of curiosity.
Well, I'll tell you.
Fifteen miles from here, there's an Indian village, the village of Bright Star.
Now, not long ago, a famine befell them, and the Indians starved.
I suppose you're here to tell us you did it.
I? Bring such a miracle to pass? Oh, I think you flatter me too much.
And besides, why would I want to do such a thing to those poor Indians? I demand an answer.
Why would I want to reduce them to such cruel poverty? Because I love them, that's why! Because I want them to realize who their true benefactor is: me! Dr.
Miguelito Loveless, alias, Robin Hood.
Hyah! Hyah! Robin? Robin, art thou all right? I am fine.
But thou hast let them go.
You don't understand, my dear.
I meant to from the very start.
Don't you see? West is so proud of his ability to escape, and I wanted to teach his pride a little lesson.
Varlet, tell Maid Marian what's going to happen to West and his friend when they reach Bright Star.
Ah- Ah- I thought you said they'd be friendly.
We'll find out right away.
That must be the chief.
No, that's his wife.
She fights at his side in every battle.
She looks it.
Who are you? Why have you come? Uh, my name is James West, and this is Artemus Gordon.
How do you do? Uh, we've come a long way to talk to you and your warriors, all the way from Washington, D.
C.
From Washington? Yes.
Is it about the famine you have come? Yes.
Go away.
We've come to help you.
Help? If we had any more of your government's help, we would all starve.
Go away.
Well, can't we talk to you first? A warrior who loves his people will not have a deaf ear to reason.
All right, but I know who my friends are.
But you may speak.
Food from the lord of the forest! Sand.
You have brought us sand instead of food.
Why? My master, the lord of the forest, is very angry with you.
Now he has always treated you with loving kindness.
In your need, he brought you food from his secret sanctuaries.
In return, you have repaid this kindness with disloyalty.
There are among you two strangers who would kill him because they hate him.
Are you loyal to my master? Yes.
Then prove it.
Kill them.
Even an animal kills for food.
Stop! Take him prisoner.
The other one, he got away? Send two of your best trackers to find Mr.
Gordon.
Meanwhile, the lord of the forest is delighted that you have this one.
But he doesn't want you to kill him so quickly.
Use some exquisite Indian torture that takes time.
He despises haste.
It offends his contemplative nature.
Ta-ta, Mr.
West.
Tie him there.
Ugh.
Sorry, I slipped.
Your death will be your own fault for coming here.
I came as a friend because of the famine.
Our government sent help, and you refused it.
Help? You call this help? Seeds to plant, hoes and rakes and paper books.
"Ten Easy Steps for Better Corn.
" "The Proper Care of Rutabaga.
" You call that help? We sent food too, and you sent it back.
Cans of meat that were bad to the taste.
Cans that were spoiled and burst in the sun.
No, that was not help.
But the lord of the forest sent his little warrior to us.
And he brought venison and quail, salmon and trout, and ale that was nut-brown to the taste.
And for all of this, all he asked was loyalty from our people.
We sent you seeds and tools so your people could help themselves.
Look at your village.
Your tepees are decayed.
No one works.
He promised us the good life, where no man needs work again.
The little warrior is not your friend.
Believe me, I know him.
He's evil.
The lord of the forest is good.
He would not have an evil warrior for a servant.
I will go to my people, and we will pray to our gods to banish your spirit from our village after you are dead.
The thong is wet.
As it dries, it will pull the trigger.
It will not take long.
It is a warm day.
I absolutely refuse.
Nobody can make me do what I don't want to.
First it's hay fever, and now it's a terrible cold.
Well, it serves you right, traipsing around in the woods in the twilight dew.
Well, I was practicing my stalking.
Well, I want you to eat your supper.
Oh, I hate venison.
Oh, now.
Mm, besides, it's not this accursed cold.
It's that silly chief in Bright Star.
He still hasn't killed West.
Why does he have to go through all that silly superstitious nonsense first? Well, maybe you've misjudged him.
I? Misjudge people? That's unthinkable.
I know human nature.
Yes, Miguelito.
All you have to do is keep giving people something they want badly enough.
Give it to them for nothing and you reduce them to passive obedient children.
Shh.
You can make them do anything you want to, anything in the world.
They become so dependent on you.
Yes, Miguelito.
I can have them eating out of my hand.
Of course, Miguelito.
Hmm.
I'll probably have to do it myself.
Those Indians dawdle so.
Yes, Miguelito.
Why don't you do it after you finish your nice venison? Sorry to disturb your meditations, Mr.
West.
What are you doing sneaking around here? Sneaking? Not at all.
I just wanted to make sure my friends the Indians didn't disturb our last moments together.
I wanted it to be just the two of us.
Aren't they the devilish lot, though? You just couldn't stay away, could you? Oh, no.
That would be rude, not to say goodbye to an old friend.
And you know how I abhor rudeness.
Sorry, Mr.
West.
I have a terrible cold, and I should never forgive myself if you caught it from me.
Thanks.
Go ahead and gloat.
That's why you came, isn't it? Oh, not at all.
I just thought you might be interested to see how I ended all life in this forest.
I did it with this.
It kills all insects.
And without insects, fruit-bearing trees cannot pollinate.
There can be no fruit.
Don't worry, Mr.
West.
At the moment, the solution isn't strong enough, but add just a little bit more of my secret formula, and "whoo.
" A film forms on water, and all the fish die.
A bit more and birds fly, only to die in a feathered falling.
Just a little bit stronger, the largest elk feels faint, flees, and fading, dies.
And finally, if needs I must, add just a little bit more of my secret formula: man.
And children too? Children who cry out in the night from the hunger you've caused? What can children know of crying in the night? What could children know of a whole lifetime of crying? You know, Mr.
West, in a way, you're lucky.
In a very few minutes, you will be beyond all the pain, all the crying.
Well, what can one say at a time like this, Mr.
West? Au revoir.
No.
Just goodbye.
Once and forever, goodbye, Mr.
West.
Hi, Jim.
Artie.
Stop! Move back.
I don't wanna hurt anybody.
Chief, you're leaving with us, and no one else is to follow.
The rest of you turn around.
Do put down that silly knife, Mr.
West.
Now, really, sometimes you can be quite exasperating.
What are you doing here? I want a powwow.
I have no time for that.
Not with you.
With the lord of the forest.
Tie those two.
Ow.
Ooh.
Ooch.
Ooh, darn these pine needles.
Why can't a forest be decently carpeted? They want a powwow, do they? I'll give 'em powwow.
Get the ladder.
Why do they have to bother me now? I distinctly told them "Don't call us, we'll call you.
" Put it down, quick.
Hurry.
Ah.
Okay, hold that.
Be careful.
Jim, counting all the tribes of the forest, how many "friends" do you suppose that gives Dr.
Loveless? Around 10,000.
Right.
That's quite an army.
I'm ready.
Put the back plate on.
Miguelito, are you all right? I'm fine.
Go see what they're doing.
They're coming.
What urgent matter brings you all into my awful presence? You have said that you can rebuild our country for us, build a new land.
Do you doubt my word? It is a vast country.
The paleface has many towns and cities, and a vast army.
How are they to be defeated? Never fear.
We shall win.
But how? My best young braves said they will fight beside you only if you answer that question.
Order them to.
I am an old man.
They are young and strong.
Well, tell them that if they do not fight, my brave and magnificent warrior, Robin of the wood, will stop bringing food.
You will all starve again.
I have told them that, but they say they will leave the forest and move to other hunting grounds.
Very well.
I shall send my brave and magnificent Robin of the wood to show you.
That little man? I hate being spoken to by him.
Sometimes he acts as though he were a great warrior.
He does not know his place.
He is a genius.
He wants you to have your homeland back.
He wants you to live hereafter in a perfect world, where there will be no work or woe.
He is a saint.
Go now.
He will come to you.
He will show you how we shall regain our country.
Come.
Get the ladder.
That old fool.
Who does he think he is, anyway? "Little man," indeed.
You'll have to go out the back way.
Stop treating me like a servant and get that back plate off.
Whatever that powwow was about, I don't think it turned out too well.
They look sore.
Maybe Loveless cut off their food supply.
Hmm.
How long do you think it'll be before Loveless turns his twisted little mind to us? Right now, Mr.
Gordon.
In fact, you and Mr.
West are never out of my mind.
Untie them.
My master bids me show you how we shall kill the evil palefaces.
The great chief will remain silent.
He says an eagle will not speak with a mole.
Blindfold them and bring them.
Why them? I am to show you how to kill palefaces, am I not? Come with me.
Oh, don't stop, dear.
You play so beautifully.
Uh, seat the gentlemen here, please.
Hmm.
Uh, remove the blindfolds.
Mr.
West, Mr.
Gordon, welcome to my humble abode.
Now, here we have a town of palefaces, but let us suppose that this town is Washington, D.
C.
Will that do, gentlemen, Washington, D.
C.
? Very well.
This is President Grant, there the vice president.
Over there, there, and over there, cabinet officers.
There's some senators- Be brief.
Yes, yes.
Heh-heh.
Brevity, the soul of wit.
Wit, joy, gaiety.
Gaiety, fun.
A balloon.
A balloon filled with hydrogen.
But a balloon must have a cargo, a precious cargo of green powder, powder of my invention.
But don't be alarmed.
This has been reduced ten thousandfold in strength.
Do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do Do-do Do-do-do-do Do-dah, do-dah Ah, the simple pleasures of boyhood.
And there, gentlemen- There goes Washington, D.
C.
Or Boston or New York or San Francisco.
Anywhere, everywhere the winds carry my balloons, and I shall send thousands of them, tens and hundreds of thousands, and the powder will be at full strength.
And then we shall move in to sack, to loot, to rebuild our cities, for there will be no palefaces left anywhere.
And you tell your warriors that is how we're going to do it.
This is only make-believe, isn't it? Heh-heh.
There was no real city there, no real people, huh? Nothing was real.
But Mr.
West is real.
Now I will show you what this does to a real man.
Is the lord of the forest weak, that he has such a little man do his killing for him? Go ahead and grovel, Mr.
West.
It will get you nowhere.
If he's such a great warrior, why doesn't he prove his strength? Nowhere.
Nowhere, Mr.
West.
Then he must be a coward.
I challenge him to a duel.
You won't be around, Mr.
West.
Stop.
He is right.
Let there be a duel.
Believe me, this is more merciful.
Stop talking back to me, you funny little man.
Tell your master there will be a duel.
Very well.
With maces.
We know that the great lord of the forest is a mighty warrior.
When he wins, we shall fight by his side and give him our loyalty the remainder of our lives.
But if he loses- Impossible! Gods do not lose.
Shut your mouth, little man.
If the impossible happens, and he should lose, then we shall give our loyalty to this warrior.
Now let us prepare to fight.
You ever fought with a mace before? Fought with one? I've never even seen one.
Well, there's always beginner's luck.
Hey, young rider Apple-cheeked One whither riding Hey, young rider No matter where I ride One whither riding Slovak mountain by my side No matter where I ride Duschamoya Slovak mountain by my side Duschamoya Rose, rose, rose, rose Will I ever see thee wed? Jim.
Look, I know this, uh, may sound ridiculous, but what if Loveless were the knight? A mechanical man with Loveless inside.
Yeah.
Ah.
He moves too naturally.
There isn't even a whisper of machinery working.
But remember, Artie, Loveless is a scientific genius.
Yeah, but yesterday when he rode into Bright Star, the knight rode right with him.
At a safe distance.
An empty knight on a horse.
That might be just a suit of armor.
Why would he do it? Well, you know Loveless.
To gain their respect.
Unless he were a heroic knight, he wouldn't stand a chance of getting his respect.
Yeah, but we can tell the chiefs, Jim.
You don't have to go through with this duel.
When he comes out, we just expose him.
Artie, it's not just a question of exposing them.
We have to win them back to our side, and they respect a fighter.
You're right.
You're right.
Just watch your step, that's all.
If I know Loveless, he's sure to try to pull something.
I would marry at thy will Hey, young rider Apple-cheeked One whither riding Hey, young rider No matter where I ride One whither riding Slovak mountain by my side No matter where I ride Duschamoya Slovak mountain by my side Duschamoya And I have a surprise for our friend Mr.
West.
My explosive.
Just enough, not a jot or tittle more, but just enough, so that when this mace hits him, it will explode.
And I, in my magic armor, shall be unscathed.
Ah.
Done.
Whoo-hoo! Bring me the silken pillow.
But first we have a little fun.
Hm.
Some suspense, a touch of pepper to the soup.
We give that mace to Mr.
West.
Miguelito, it- Nah, nah, nah.
Don't worry, my dear.
I know what I'm doing.
Ready? Here they are.
Mr.
West, so that the contest will not be one-sided, I will let you use my favorite mace.
It was given to me by my mother.
It is beautifully balanced.
My compliments to your mother, but I prefer that one.
Look out! Jim, they've got explosives in that thing.
Mr.
West, are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Good luck.
Aagh! Artie! Attack them.
They are warriors of a false god! Miguelito, quickly.
They disappeared in here somewhere.
Quickly now, a balloon.
A balloon.
Now, this is full strength.
Just one of these is enough to send the whole forest up in flames.
I'll show West and those Indians.
Wait till they see this.
"Boom.
" Artie.
it's one of his balloons with the green powder.
Hurry, hurry.
I'm afraid.
Miguelito.
Quickly, into the log.
Into the log.
Quickly.
Quickly! The fire! Hurry.
Help! Hi, Jim.
Find anything? Not a sign.
Whatever you do, don't sit on that log.
You find anything? Just his hunting horn.
Hunted everywhere for them.
There's no sign at all.
Searched for hours.
Maybe they got away, huh? Not a chance.
Well, they certainly were here.
Yeah, they tried to escape out there in the worst part of the fire.
Come on, Artie.
All right.
All right, how'd you do it? How did you do it? What was it you did? Let me show you, Artie.
Here.
Yeah.
It's an outward strike.
Yeah? Elbow to the rib cage.
Right.
Double hammer.
Right.
Back into position, kick.
You did it again.
All right.
All right, now let me do it with you.
It's a block.
Ugh! You've got to watch this elbow.
Very funny.
The block was perfect, Artie.
Yes, of course.
It's a- It's a block.
Artie.
Yeah? Why are we stopping? Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I got a telegram.
We got to pick up a package at the station.
Oh, yes.
We were expecting that.
Thank you.
Oh, you think it's funny? Let's see you open it.
All right, Artie.
I opened it.
Hey.
"From your unknown admirer.
" How about that, Artie? Well, that's the price of fame, Jim.
We got to be sure to- Hey, young rider Apple-cheeked One whither riding No matter where I ride Slovak mountain by my side Oh, no.
Duschamoya