Trollied (2011) s02e10 Episode Script

Valco serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Just stop that now.
If you can get it cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself.
Red 'ot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of two-for-ones.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco I wasn't ready.
When are you ready? Valco serves you right! Valco, serves you right! Oh! Oh.
Yes! Is that you Leighton? Yes.
Well come in then! Now I know it's not normal policy, but I, er, I need you to help me out with some admin.
Me? Oh, it's just a bit of photocopying and envelope stuffing.
It's basic stuff.
And you want me to do it? Wow! I've actually dreamed of this! And it's just like the dream.
Actually, no, it's a little bit warmer.
Yeah, well, we're transferring the er, the Valco ketchup packaging from a glass bottle to a polythy a pluth A plastic one.
And I need you to er, get a memo out to all the stores re the change.
It would be an actual honour.
Great stuff.
Gavin, don't worry.
I'm on it like Sonic.
.
He's a really fast hedgehog.
Right, now the hat.
Do I have to? Well, it's either the hat or the hair net, and the hair net is totally whack, mate.
Whack? It's a thing, innit? You know.
It's whack? Once more.
Fillet, ribeye, rump, brisket, mince.
What's the point? I'm only on holiday cover, AND I'm a vegetarian.
Oh come on! Come here.
What do you think they are, eh? Molars.
Yeah, from the Latin 'mola', meaning Millstone.
For grinding meat, mate.
So it's all very simple, really.
You just select the, er, colour (BEEP) and quantity (BEEP) and hey presto! Hey presto! You need to press the green triangle.
Julie! Gavin! Yay! Julie's back! Double Yay! Ohhh! Oh, good to see you, Julie! How are you? I'm great, Gavin.
Really good.
I'm a competent, capable woman who believes in her abilities.
Gosh, are you? I mean, clearly.
It's my new mantra.
A little self affirmation to help me through any dark moments.
Not that there'll be any! - No, of course not.
- Right, look let's Oh, hang on.
Oh, it's Debbie Gosling in Kendal, so it'll be a long one! No, I've made it known, I'm staying put here today.
There's no need! Get me on the floor Gavin! I'm here to be used by you.
Really? You sure you wouldn't rather ease your way back in gently? I mean, I'm up to my top pocket in paperwork, as you can see.
Oh no.
Anyway, you've got Leighton helping out with the admin now.
Wow! It's really snatchy.
Yo.
I've been thinking.
I'm happy with you having a, you know having an open relationship, so Ha! Listen to yourself! 'Open relationship'? What d'you think this is? Downton fuckin' Abbey? Jesus! So, just to warn you, there really is rather a lot to do on the shop floor, now we're a staff member down.
Kendal? Yeah, Kendal.
I'll have to.
Yes, Debbie, how can I help? Right.
What, she's drunk all of it? I didn't even know we still stocked Taboo.
Yeah, well, get maintenance to remove the cubicle door.
No, I simply can't, Debbie! You can! Go! Hold on Debbie, er, one second.
Are you sure? Positive.
Trust me.
Well, obviously if there's a problem, I'm on the blower.
I know, and I promise I'll blow you if anything comes up.
I'm sorry.
What? Blow you.
Right, okay, well I'll, em, I won't be long.
Debbie, try and get her to put some clothes on, at least the bottom half.
Just give her your knickers, I don't know! I'm a competent, capable woman, who believes in her abilities.
Fifty five, fifty six, fifty seven pence.
Have a really super day.
Thank you.
Please say you're coming over to tell me it's lunch.
It's not lunch.
Ugggh.
How slow is today? What are you in such a hurry to get home for? It's Monday night.
Two for one cocktails at Harry Bean's.
Why? What are you doing? Watching MasterChef in your slippers again? Oh, don't you start.
Emo said he thought I was the same age as Andy.
Can you believe that? Nyeh.
'Nyeh'? What does 'Nyeh' mean? I'm only joking! Don't tear your hair out.
You need all you've got left.
Piss off! I thought I was losing my hair once.
It's a funny story actually.
I kept finding hairs on my pillow, I was mortified.
Turns out, it was actually Mike's hair.
Quite the relief I can tell you.
I bet.
'You can take my wife, but at least I've still got my hair'.
So, you gonna join us tonight? What me, out with the kids? Ah, maybe.
I'll make sure you get home by eleven.
Make it ten thirty, and you got a deal.
Best get back.
Oh, excuse me, young lady, can you tell me where the sausage rolls are? Ooh, err Oh, aisle fourteen, I think, love.
I'd go and have a look and see if I were you.
And if they're not there, then that means I'm wrong and they'll probably be somewhere else.
OK? Oh, thank you for shopping at Valco! It's me! Margaret! I'm a competent, capable woman who believes in her abilities.
Oh Colin? You alright? Oh hello Julie, heard you was back.
You were off for ages weren't you? What was it? Um, er, exhaustion.
Exhaus seriously? What, and they still paid you for that? Nice one.
Respect for that mate.
Oh thanks mate.
So, what were the symptoms? Did you feel, really shit and a bit sad? Well, er, sometimes.
Hmm, yeah you see, cos I've got that.
No, I have.
And I'm not saying you gave it me.
But I've definitely got the feeling shit bit.
And I feel a bit sad.
I am sorry to hear that, Colin.
What brought it on, do you know? Well, I'd rather not talk about it at the minute to be honest.
Of course.
Just some total slag went and shat on my heart!! Yes yes, that's awful! So, who do I speak to about getting put on the sick? Well, maybe you just need a change of scenery.
Mmm, definitely.
What would you think about a little time on self-service? All I've had is self service lately, and that's half the problem.
And I just don't seem to have the imagination anymore.
It's like, uh, uh Well, this'll do you the world of good.
You follow me now.
I'll follow you.
Hello, Leighton speaking.
Tell China the deal's off.
Hi, Leighton here.
We need lots more crisps, all the flavours, fast.
Hello? Gavin? Is that you, Gavin? Right, just put one on my shoulder, yeah.
Is it hygienic? Just do it, will yer! Right, go on.
Oooh, oh, yeah.
That's a It's a Lincolnshire.
I was just about to say that! Yeah, course you were.
Oh bloody hell, first day of your holidays and you're in already.
Just passing.
What the exact place we work? Come to check up on us haven't you? Not a bit of it, but if anyone snaffles one of them mini scotch eggs, I'll know about it.
Well, no need to worry about him, he's a vegetarian.
A vegetarian? On the meat counter? Hey, you know why they're called molars, don't you? Comes from the Latin 'moolaarus'.
Meaning to grind.
Meat.
Yeah I know, that's what he said.
Did he? Aah, it's like looking in a mirror sometimes.
Yeah, a big bendy circus one.
You keep telling yourself that son, but the Butcher's physique comes to us all in the end.
Ah, see you now.
Bye! Hello, ladies! I just thought I'd pop over and let you both know that ta-dah! I'm back.
Hey Julie.
Aaaah, it is good to see you, love.
Yeah, are you feeling better? Oh much, thank you.
Back where I belong.
All that daytime telly driving you mental was it? Ow!! What? Well, anyway, call me if you need me.
What? I didn't mean mental I just meant you know, mental.
You and your gob.
Oh don't.
I feel awful.
You're right though, she's mental.
Oh Julie! They've thrown you in at the deep end, eh? First day back and you're a man down.
Sorry? Me.
I'm on holiday.
Oh.
And you've come in? Gosh, you're dedicated.
Well, there's new kid on the counter, see.
You've got to ease them in gently.
Like a fairground goldfish.
Keep them in the bag for a while before letting them loose in the tank, or they'll die.
Oh, actually, Andy, I'm glad I've seen you.
I just wanted to ask - the day of my erm moment.
Did everybody see? Nooo, no.
Not at all, no.
Just me, Margaret and Kieran.
And then Ian, Linda and Sue and I think Lisa.
And Gavin? Yeah, of course.
Well that was unavoidable.
I mean, you were on the trolley first, y'know, and so we had to wheel you to the back, till Gavin came.
We carried you out the store as quickly as we could.
But getting you into Gavin's car was quite a performance, I can tell you.
Good job you had your big pants on.
Julie? You alright, love? Yes.
Yes, I'm fine.
Good, for a moment there I thought somebody had let you out of your bag too early! Ha ha! Unexpected item in bagging area.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
Excuse me.
Can you help, please? Unexpected item in bagging area.
Yeah, these things are shit.
Just take it.
Are you sure? Well, you've already bagged it now, I'd do it.
Oh, sorry about this.
If you could just take it to till four, please.
Colin, what's going on? Why didn't you call for help? All of this is a cry for help, Julie.
My head's a mess.
I can't think straight, especially when I'm around her.
It's Lisa? Yeah.
Maybe I should go home.
Oh, no.
I won't let you sink.
Come on, let's just get you moved somewhere else.
What? You just can't keep away, can you? Hey, where else are you going to get moussaka of this quality for Ј1.
80? Oh yeah, you're right.
Sod the week away in Cyprus, I'm staying in the canteen.
Eh, you haven't left that lad alone on the meat counter, have you? Course not.
I'm not stupid.
He's on his lunch as well.
Alright? What, you mean it's Yeah, that's right Andy.
It's unmanned.
But it's a Shepherd's pie.
So it should have some actual lamb in it.
Maybe you ate it too quickly.
I didn't even finish it.
It was too horrible.
Well, maybe you didn't get to the meaty bit then.
Do you want to take it back and try again? I'll just take the refund thanks.
Suit yourself.
Can you tell Gavin I've put my rota request on there? Yeah.
What you doing? Helping Gavin with some paperwork.
Mmmm! I'm his right-hand man for the day, which is nice because I'm usually left handed.
Oh, no Leighton! What? What have you done? Look, you've copied them all upside down.
Look! Oh no! No, no, no! Gavin'll go mental when he sees that.
I'd better see what 'sorry you're leaving' cards we've got in stock.
See ya.
Ha ha ha! Sorry about that.
Stop apologising.
I don't mind that I bought you lunch.
It's weird cos I know there's definitely money in my account.
Sorry.
STOP apologising! Sorry, sorry! Alright mate? You two planning this big night on the town, then? Big night? I just meant, what are you doing tonight? Aah, not much.
Just a quiet night in probably.
Whatever you fancy.
Well, I don't really know yet so Cool beans.
Well, I'll leave you to it then.
Oh.
See you.
Bye.
Sorry, did I just put my foot in it? No, no it's fine.
How wrong would it be to end a relationship by text? Er, not cool beans? Aaagggh.
Don't! It's driving me mental.
Maybe I'll call him.
Or email him.
Yeah, well at least no one can accuse you of being a chicken, can they? Oh shut up! Watch it! Pick that up.
You know what, the more that I think about it, the more I reckon there's no way a Shepherd would eat lamb.
No way.
He's with 'em all day.
It'd be like me eating you.
That sounded wrong! Oh God, yeah! It does! You big lezzer! Right.
So, Colin.
We've said no to stacking, no to self service.
How about the loading bay? I mean surely there can't remind you of Lisa? There more than anywhere! Why? We did it on the cages, we did it behind the wheelie bins, we did it in the wheelie bins.
And as for that fork lift truck, to be honest I'm surprised it still works.
Julie, Julie! I really need to talk to you.
Hold on a minute, Leighton.
So, Colin.
Are you telling me, that you've had sexual relations on site, with a fellow member of staff, on several occasions? Yeah, loads of occasions.
Excuse me Julie, can I have a word please? Oh Andy, don't you have a home to go to? This is an emergency, Julie! There is no one on the meat counter! No one.
And how is that an emergency? Er, people might want meat.
Thank you for your information.
I'll deal with it shortly.
How, Julie? I said I'll deal with it! Are you alright? You're not having another one of your er No, I am NOT! This is a staff announcement.
Could Julie Cook please come to customer services.
" Oh bloody hell! Julie? I'm fine! I'm totally fine.
Get out of the way! I'm a competent, capable woman who believes in her abilities.
I'm a competent, capable woman who believes in her abilities.
I'm a competent, capable woman who believes in her abilities.
Hello, Margaret, love.
Oh Andy, pass me these scissors will you? I've got to restock my pate cos it's gone green again.
I can't, I'm not er oh, alright.
Thanks, love.
Can I get six of them Cumberland sausages, please? Yes, certainly sir.
You know they go beautifully with oh.
I knew it, you just couldn't resist could you? It's more than a butcher can take to seeing an empty stand.
Go on, get off and stop checking on us.
We're fine, you're supposed to be on your holidays.
Alright.
I'm gone.
I'm gone.
What a loser.
Hey.
Less of that.
You've got to earn the right to call that man a loser.
Get back to work.
I'm a competent, capable woman who believes in her abilities.
Ohh! Oh! Yes! Come in, Leighton.
Mum said I should just come straight out and tell you, because at least I would be being honest and you couldn't be cross with me for two things.
The thing that I did and the fact I didn't tell you about the thing I did.
What have you done? Gavin's memos.
I've accidentally copied them upside down.
Look Well, just turn them the other way.
Right? Oh yeah! Yeah, you could do that! That's brilliant! I guess you could just turn the photocopier round as well.
No! Look, you've got fifteen minutes, so get this lot out of the bin and start stuffing.
Yes.
I can do this.
You can.
You can, Leighton.
I can do this, I can do this Right.
Colin I think you should go home? Are a work shy, bone idle, piss taker.
Now, get on with your work and stop your moaning.
But I've got a broken heart! Oh, get over it! No-one wants to climb on a wet blanket! Grow a pair and she might be interested.
What appears to be the problem here? They're unhappy with their purchases.
I said I wanted to speak to someone senior.
Well you are.
So, how can I help you? These No Nonsense dinners are shit.
Oh, really? Is it the fact that it was 40p, or the fact that it looks like dog food and smells worse? Are you taking the piss? No, I'm not.
Now if you're unhappy with the product, then we'll give you your money back.
In fact, I will give you the money, all of you.
Here.
Have it.
Because you get what you pay for, and there's a lot to be said for nonsense! It's nonsense that sets us apart from the animals, eh, Sue? I love nonsense! There, I've said it.
And if you don't like it, don't buy it.
End of.
Bin please, Linda.
Julie! Oh Gavin! I'm so sorry.
I've let you down, haven't I? I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm not ready aren't you? I wasn't thinking that at all.
I was actually thinking, it's really good to have you back, Julie.
Oh, Gavin.
Ohh! Come on.
Let me tell you what's happening at Kendal.
Hiya babe, it's me.
Er, listen, a few of us are going for a drink after work tonight so No, no, no you're invited that's what I'm saying Alright, fine.
Suit yourself.
But can I go or not? Not.
Right.
Actually you know what, I am going because well, because I want to.
So just deal with it, yeah? Oh, oh, oh, can you record Master Chef for me? Emma? Emma? I'll be ready in 5.
Are you actually coming? Oh yeah.
I saw the future today, and it was not pretty.
Night on the town is it? Great fun.
Do give my best to Stu for me.
You've hooked yourself a cracker there, Katie.
Yeah, he is a good lad.
I have to say, Stu reminds me a lot of myself in my younger days.
Does he? Absolutely.
Oh, to be young and in love again.
The wind in your hair.
Adequate erectile function.
What a lucky guy he is.
I'll meet you outside? Oh, is it alright if I meet you lot there? It's just there's something I need to do first.
Face to face.
Oh, yeah, yeah, course.
I'll see you later.
Yeah, see you later.
Good luck.
Thanks.
You in tomorrow? Of course I'm in tomorrow.
I'm always in.
All right! Just making conversation.
Why? Are you not in tomorrow, or summat? No, I'm in tomorrow.
Right.
Glad we cleared that one up then.
Yeah, see you tomorrow.
Hey Linda, you've forgotten summat! What? Your dinner! Bleurgh, don't! It's rank! Bloody Hell! How are you still here? I'm a very thorough shopper, Kieran.
It's my hunter gatherer instincts.
I like to stalk my prey before I pounce.
On your Wagon Wheels and Nivea cooling balm? Don't suppose you fancy a pint? Oh, go on then.
Anything to get you out of this place.
They couldn't take the door off, so they had to go in over the top.
Oh, sorry! And how much Taboo had she had? A whole crate! No! Go on, admit it.
Admit what? You've missed me.
Missed you! I've seen you more today than when you're actually working.
Say no more.
Understood.
Understood what? I caught you playing my sausage game earlier.
Tells me all I need to know.
Keep your voice down! That sounds really weird out of context.
You were though, weren't you? It doesn't mean I missed you.
Those actions spoke a thousand words.
I know what you were saying.
What? No, let's not spoil the moment! What??? You love me.
Shut up.
No, I know.
I've always known.
How is it possible that you can be more annoying on your day off than when you're in work? Go on, give us a cuddle.
Get off! Come back! Come here.
Give us a cuddle! Ha ha ha!