Two and a Half Men s02e10 Episode Script

- What you doing? - I'm working.
You're not gonna get much done with the TV on.
- What are you, my mother? - Your mother says that too? Listen, when you write music for a living you have to wait for inspiration.
Nope, not yet.
Charlie, wanna come to the movies with us? He can't.
He's working.
- On what, liver failure? - Wonderful.
He's my mother, you're my doctor.
Oh, I assume you finished reading Lord of the Flies for your book report.
Oh, good.
How'd you like it? I thought it was a timeless American classic.
I see.
So tell me, what's it about? - You mean the book? - Yeah, the book.
It's called Lord of the Flies and it's about a really big fly that all the other flies pray to.
- And you thought he didn't read it.
- Oh, I was just joking.
It's more like Charlotte's Web, but from the fly's point of view.
You've had more than a week.
Why didn't you read the book? - I've been waiting for inspiration.
- Attaboy.
Okay, how's this for inspiration? We're not going to the movies and you're not doing anything until you finish reading that book.
- That's not fair.
- Course it's fair.
We had a deal.
- You didn't keep your end of it.
- Oh, so now two wrongs make a right? Bet you didn't see that one coming.
You're really gonna like this book if you give it a chance.
It's about kids stranded on a deserted island.
- How'd they get stranded? - Their plane crashes.
Oh, really.
And then what happens? This one kid named Ralph becomes their leader, and they form this society, and Just read the book.
- One big fly, huh? - Hey, I took a shot.
Hi.
- Charlie's working, Rose.
- Oh, what about Jake? He's studying.
- Hey, do you like smoked salmon? - I guess.
Good.
Then this is for you.
- I don't know what to say.
- Neither do I, most of the time.
But then I start talking, and stuff just comes out.
So, what are you doing this fine Saturday night? I was supposed go to the movies with Jake but he didn't do his homework, so So you're punishing him by sitting out here all by yourself, alone and miserable.
What a good dad.
If you still wanna go to the movies, I'll go with you.
- You and me? Like a? Like a date? - Alan, are you asking me out? - I don't think so.
- Okay.
That was a little awkward.
Come on, we'll catch an early show.
Oh, all right.
All right, why not.
I'll sneak in the salmon under my sweater.
Good.
That way, we don't have to pay for that overpriced movie fish.
- Hey.
What you doing? - Working.
How do you know when you're on a break? That's the thing about being a grownup, my little friend: You don't get breaks.
Is this the new Oshikuru: Demon Samuraï? - Yeah.
- What are you doing with it? It's being turned into a cartoon, and they asked me to write the theme song.
- Awesome.
- Yeah? - Wanna hear what I got so far? - Sure.
So I'll be, like, the first kid in the world to hear this.
Yep.
Now, this is just a rough version, but you get an idea of the feel of it.
Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru Oh, oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru My, oh, my He's a demon samurai Who 's the guy who had to die? Oshikuru Boy.
That really blows.
Excuse me? - Did you even read the comic? - Yeah, I looked it over.
Oh, really? What's it about? It's about this guy named Oshikuru, who dies and comes back as a, what do you call it, samurai.
- And he's a demon.
- No.
It's about a teenage boy in a futuristic society who's possessed by the tortured soul of a feudal Japanese warrior condemned to walk the earth fighting the evil he once embodied.
So, what's your point? He lives in a dark world.
He battles the spirits of the damned.
Your theme doesn't capture the mood at all.
It just blows.
- Okay, okay, you said "blows" already.
- Did I say "big baby chunks"? All right, fine.
Thanks for your input.
Why don't you go read Lord of the Flies, and let me do my job.
Well, if your job is ruining a great comic book, you can call it a night.
- I heard that.
- Good.
Oh, no.
What do you wanna bet Shrek here sits right in front of us.
Don't worry.
It'll be all right.
You had to eat the chili cheeseburger.
- That wasn't really necessary.
- You'd have done the same thing for me.
I'm not so sure.
- So, Alan, tell me about yourself.
- What would you like to know? Everything.
I really don't know that much about you aside from the fact that you're Charlie's brother and Jake's dad.
Graduated from Cal State Long Beach, married your college sweetheart and in the middle of the night, when you're half-asleep, you pee sitting down.
- Have you been spying on me? - No, silly.
I spy on Charlie.
You just get in the way sometimes.
You know what? Why don't you tell me about you.
Well, okay.
Well, let's see.
I, too, pee sitting down, so we have that in common.
I come from a wealthy family, so I guess I've had kind of a sheltered life.
You know, fancy private schools and colleges.
- No kidding.
- What college did you go to? Princeton.
But just for two years.
- Oh, so you dropped out? - No, I finished.
Then I came back to California to do my master's at Stanford.
That's amazing.
What's your degree in? Behavioral psychology.
Hey, Jake.
Jake, wake up.
I want you to hear something.
- What? - I've been working on the song.
- Good for you.
- Come on.
Come listen to it.
- I'm sleeping.
- Sleep in school, like everybody else.
I read the comic books cover to cover.
I know the characters, I know their world.
I think I got it.
Listen.
A teenage boy with the spirit inside Of a samurai warrior who long ago died Now he's oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru My, oh, my He's a demon samurai Who 's the guy who had to die? Oshikuru Still blows.
Yeah, well, you're still short.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
We stopped for a bite to eat after the movie.
- No problem.
- An usher confiscated our fish.
- Hey, can I play you something? - Sure.
You know, I had a really good time with Rose.
There's a lot more there than meets the eye.
Yeah.
Cool.
Listen to this.
Tell me what you think.
A teenage boy with the spirit inside Of a samurai warrior who long ago died Now he's oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru My, oh, my He's a demon samurai Who 's the guy who had to die? Oshikuru Very nice.
It's snappy.
- You really like it? - Yeah, yeah.
Good work.
Okay, that settles it.
It blows.
Berta, you know what's a good book? Lord of the Flies.
Oh, yeah.
I read that when I was about your age.
- So, what'd you think? - I liked it.
- It was like Survivor with kids.
- Yeah.
I agree.
- Is Survivor spelled like it sounds? - Just read the damn book.
- Morning, Berta.
- Morning.
Hey, did you know that Rose has a master's degree in psychology? No.
Did you know I'm a founding member of the Mile High Club? - Really? - Yeah.
Me and Orville at Kitty Hawk.
I'd have done Wilbur too, but we were only in the air for 90 seconds.
Okay, you're kidding, and it's funny.
But the truth is, you and I see each other every day and we don't know much about each other.
So you wanna know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior.
Whether somewhere inside me, there's a tiny little girl who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina.
- Is there? - Lf there is it's because I accidentally ate one and haven't passed her yet.
Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara.
- Okay.
Well, it was nice talking to you.
- Hey, I feel closer.
Oh, are you starting that book report already? - Just making notes.
- Good for you.
What do you have so far? Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
That's an interesting analogy.
What's your favorite part? When the first kid gets voted off the island? Hey, all right.
Stop trying to be friends with Berta.
It just pisses her off.
What doesn't? Hey, I was gonna do some shopping, and was hoping you could watch Jake.
- Sure.
- Ready when you are, Alan.
- Be right there.
I'll see you later.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
- You're going out with Rose again? - No, I'm not "going out" with her.
- We're just going shopping.
- Morning, Charlie.
You haven't forgotten that she's a little bent, right? No, I think there's a lot more to her than that.
- Deep down, there's a good person.
- Deep down, there's a few good people.
And all of them are bent.
- He'll be right with you, Rose.
- Okay.
- Charlie, everybody has flaws.
- Flaws? She Superglued my testicles to my thigh.
That was the past.
We've all done things we're ashamed of.
She's not ashamed.
She took a picture, then used it for her Christmas card.
Thank God it was an extreme close-up.
Most people thought it was a fruit bat.
Okay, well, I appreciate your concern but I think Rose is a sweet, smart, interesting woman.
I enjoy spending time with her.
Meet me out front.
Okey-dokey.
- Hey, what're you doing? - Reading Lord of the Flies.
Not important.
- Now, listen.
You're a kid, right? - Yeah.
Okay.
I'm writing a song for kids.
So assuming that what I've done already blows - It does.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Assuming that, you need to help me make it better.
- But I have to do a book report.
- Okay.
I'll help you with the book report.
You help me with the song.
- Quid pro quo.
- No.
"Oshikuru.
" Here you go.
Raspberry-mango-banana with a shot of wheatgrass.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
You know, sometimes I like to come to the mall and just watch people and make up stories about who they are and what their lives are like.
- Oh, well, that's fun.
What about that lady over there? What do you think her life is like? Well, I'd say she's a smart woman, but very Ionely.
So used to rejection, it's become like the air she breathes which is all the more sad because she's got so much to give.
Emotionally, spiritually, sexually.
Especially sexually.
She is ripe, smoldering and willing to try anything.
- What about that lady over there? - Her? Well, let's see.
She's a little tougher to read.
I'd say she's a smart woman, very Ionely.
So used to rejection, it's become like the air she breathes which is all the more sad See, even though Oshikuru is for kids, it's not really a kids' comic.
- It's very mature.
- Okay, I think I got it.
The demons Oshikuru fights only exist because they are a reflection of the tortured demons in his own soul.
- Yes.
- So, in essence Oshikuru is like a Japanese sci-fi version of Moby Dick.
- What? - You said, "Moby Dick.
" I mean, sure, being single can be Ionely sometimes but it's better than being together with someone you don't love or respect.
- Is that what your marriage was like? - Well, according to my ex-wife, it was.
Hey, as long as we're done here why don't we take a drive down to the beach and take a walk.
- Alan, are you flirting with me? - Oh, no, no.
I just thought, you know, since it's a beautiful day If you are, it's okay.
- Really? - Yeah.
There's a lot more to you than I thought.
- What did you think? - Oh, let's not spoil the moment.
Okay.
So, what do we do now? - Wanna try kissing? - Yes, I think we should.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Wanna get a room? - Excuse me? Or we can go back to my place, unless you're afraid of ferrets.
- Ferrets? - Yeah.
I have five of the toothy little guys.
No kidding.
Five ferrets.
- Those are like long, furry rats, right? - Yep.
And they're all named Charlie.
Of course they are.
Well, as much as I would love to meet Charlie and Charlie and Charlie and Charlie - And Charlie.
- Right.
I can't help but wonder, is it worth putting our friendship at risk? Well, that's a good question.
Let's think about it for a minute.
How good are you in bed? Because I'm excellent.
Truthfully, I'm more of an advanced intermediate.
- Then let's stay friends.
- Yeah, good idea.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
What, specifically, turned you off to the idea of a physical liaison? Was it the psychosexual fraternal rivalry, symbolized by the Charlie surrogates? Or the prospect of being judged inadequate by a woman who professes to have superior sexual skills? Wait a minute.
Have you been doing that behavioral psychology thing on me? No, don't be silly.
But if I said yes, would that make you feel A, angry, or B, insecure? I thought you were gonna write the report for me.
No, Jake.
That would be wrong.
The only way to learn is to do the work yourself.
Now, these are called Cliff Notes.
Inside is everything you need to know about Lord of the Flies.
The themes, the characters, the symbolism.
It's a book report waiting for you to put your name on it.
Is that legal? Look around.
Do you see any homework police? Oh, man.
I give you way too much credit.
Oh, I meant to ask you, how'd that book report turn out? - I got a D-minus.
- D-minus? - Didn't you read the Cliff Notes? - That was 50 pages.
Unbelievable.
Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat? No, I'm lazy.
- Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.
- Hey, it's on.
Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru Oh, oh, oh, Oshikuru My, oh, my He's a demon samurai Who 's the guy who had to die? Oshikuru That's not what we wrote.
That's your original, sucky version.
What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
- What, are they brain-damaged? - Welcome to show business, kid.
I still think it's snappy.
Oshikuru