United States of Al (2021) s02e10 Episode Script

So, there's three of you? Yep.
My brother and I were both Navy, and I have a sister who's a flight attendant.
Ah.
I'll bet she's seen more combat than both of you.
Oh, yeah, the Sunday night flight back from Vegas is rough.
Hand me that ten.
Uh, when you bleed the brakes and refill them Yep, I already checked the brake lines for cracks.
Wow.
It's nice to meet a woman who knows how to fix her own bike.
It's nice to meet a Marine who knows how to read.
Ah.
You miss it? Miss what? Being in, being active duty.
Well, I don't miss being on a ship.
You and I are never going on a cruise.
What's the longest you were at sea? Well, it was supposed to be six months, kept getting extended, turned into nine.
Oh, man, I hate when that happens.
Yeah, and the galley always knew when bad news was coming 'cause they had us cook the crew a steak dinner.
Try to soften the blow.
So, if you cook me a rib eye, it means you're gonna break up with me? Now you know my tell.
Hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, I like it medium-rare.
- You want to go upstairs? - Ooh, I don't know.
It's getting kind of late.
Oh! Other way.
And while many factors influence our decision-making, those decisions turn out to be surprisingly predictable.
Mr.
Karimi, we are not even one minute into this class.
Yes, thank you.
Uh, my question is this doesn't make sense.
How can you predict what someone is going to do? You're not God.
I am during midterms.
Uh, that was a joke.
I am not God.
Uh, "I am not God.
" But it's a good question.
How do we predict human behavior? Think of the grocery store.
Studies show that when shopping carts are doubled in size, customers will buy 40% more.
Yes, Mr.
Karimi? I don't do that.
I just buy the groceries I need.
The size of the cart makes no difference.
You might think that, but grocery stores do manipulate people into making unconscious decisions.
I actually work in a grocery store, and we don't manipulate anyone.
Well, I already regret asking this, but what do you do at the grocery store? I restock the shelves.
But Shawn says I'm only a few months away from being a bagger.
I bet you restock the shelves at the end of the aisles more than the middle.
I do.
That's because of a psychological principle called funneling.
I-If you are implying that my manager Tom is some sort of mastermind, he once came to work with his pants on backwards.
Now might be a good time to remind everyone that this is a lecture, not a conversation.
Moving on, there are four colored circles behind me.
Would you all think of one of those colors? 70% of you chose red.
Show of hands.
Oh, what has he done to us? My appointment is on Wednesday, but I need to see my therapist today.
I'd rather not tell you what happened.
But, um it's something that never happens.
And then the thing that always happens didn't.
Happen.
Not as sorry as I am.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'll hold.
- Hey! - Hey, bud! Is everything all right? Oh, everything's fine.
You don't seem fine.
Well, I-I am.
Totally fine.
Mental Health Services.
Hi.
Hey, uh, uh, yeah, I was looking to move up my appointment with Dr.
Wayne Patterson.
Oh, no, I was actually just on hold.
Uh Dr.
Patterson, isn't that your therapist? Al, can you just give me some space? What's the matter? Nothing.
So you're just calling Mental Health Services to see how they're doing? I don't want to talk about it.
It's embarrassing.
Riley, we don't have secrets.
We tell each other everything.
All right.
Uh On my date with Holly for the first time ever I wasn't able to perform.
Oh, that is embarrassing.
Yeah.
Well, I have not been through that, but, based on TV commercials, I am the only man in America who hasn't.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Have you ever thought about keeping a handful of rice - in your pocket? - I have not.
In Afghanistan, a groom will rub the rice between his fingers so he is not stressed out about his wedding night.
I'm sure my therapist will say the same thing, but doesn't hurt to double-check.
- Thank you for holding.
- Yeah.
I'm afraid Dr.
Patterson has had to cancel all his appointments this week.
What? Why? He's had a medical event.
So have I! What's wrong with him? When will he be back? I'm afraid I can't say.
All right.
Thank you.
Oh, Riley, have you thought about swallowing raw eggs? Is that what Afghans do? It's what Rocky Balboa does.
I bet he doesn't have your problem.
There he is! See you did some laundry.
Yes.
I did the laundry.
Laundry is nice, am I right? What do you want, Riley? Hey, um, so, uh when you and Lois are together Yeah.
I mean, like together.
I get it.
Right.
So are you, like, batting a thousand? Or does the manager ever have to come out and be like, "It's not your night"? Oh - You mean - Yeah.
I never needed any help in that department.
Got a lot of buddies who have.
It's very common.
Very, very common.
Very Very common.
You want to talk about it? - I thought I did.
- Hey.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
I could make a call to one of my pals, see if I can hook you up, but they'd know it's not for me.
I mean, come on.
Can we just pretend this conversation never happened? I already am.
Very common.
Professor Williams.
Hi.
Am I interrupting? Now you ask? Not during lecture? You won't believe this, but, at the grocery store, - I proved your theory right.
- Is that so? Everything I put at the end of the aisle, the customers would buy.
Even the stale bread, which my manager said showed real initiative.
Well, that's how it works.
Thanks for stopping by.
See you in class All this time, I thought psychology was about studying the minds of crazy people.
That is where a lot of the action is.
But it is everywhere.
If you want to buy something, psychology.
You want to get married, psychology.
This is starting to seem like a legitimate field of study.
Tell that to my mother.
- Professor.
- Yeah.
You are such a fascinating person.
Would you be interested in coming to my home for dinner tonight? I feel like you and I can learn a lot from each other.
Uh, I am flattered, Mr.
Karimi, but I wouldn't want the rest of the class to think I was showing you any favoritism.
Oh, I think they all know I'm your favorite.
Here is my address.
See you at 6:00.
Riley, why aren't you getting dressed? My professor will be here soon.
Zero chance I'm stepping foot out there.
But it will be an opportunity to talk about your problem.
I'm not seeking those out.
Well, at least stop lifting those weights.
It is not your biceps that need to get bigger.
This wine is fantastic.
Thank you.
Oh, great.
Glad you like it.
Let me guess End of the aisle? Huh? Oh, it is a psychology joke.
You don't get it.
Professor, the question I have is this When you acquire the power of psychology, how do you ensure you are using it for good? Well, good itself is a subjective concept.
And you don't like having people over.
So so, Lizzie, you-you said you do pottery? Yeah, when I can.
- I love it.
- I used to throw pots.
At the wall, during my divorce.
I'm kidding.
It was very amicable.
We share a cat.
I-I actually made this.
Stop it.
No, really.
I don't want to say I'm bowled over, but since you're smiling, I'm glad I did.
Smiling is part of psychology.
All of it is psychology.
Uh, so how do you like teaching at the community college? It's nice.
It's a little more personal than the university.
I get to spend more time with my students.
Have dinner with them.
Meet lovely people like you.
Well, cheers to that.
Yeah.
So, is your boyfriend also an artist? Oh, I don't have a boyfriend.
Well, cheers to that as well.
Okay, enough cheers.
Professor, did you bring your circles? Never mind.
I will make some.
Well, that pot roast was truly delicious, which means a lot coming from a very strict vegan.
Well, it's not the first time my meat made a man switch teams.
Liz, your hair color is so fun.
It really fits your personality.
Thank you.
I do like to switch it up.
What a cool form of self-expression.
It is.
Isn't it, Dad? Hmm.
- See what's going on out there? - Yes.
I can't tell you how sorry I am for bringing this spider into your home.
What are you talking about? I trusted him.
And here he is, weaving a web around poor Lizzie.
"Ooh, your bowl is so bowl-shaped.
" I like him.
Last guy she brought home had a chain from his nose to his wallet.
If you invite a man into your home and he eats your food, he should not make advances on a woman in your household.
Advances? They're just talking.
Mr.
Art, you are just trying to spare my feelings.
On a subconscious level, you are outraged.
I will take care of it.
Promise you will not give this another thought.
I promise.
There you are.
Aw, geez.
What are you doing here? I'm checking on you.
How the hell'd you find me? You're a vet.
You work for the V.
A.
It's a V.
A.
hospital.
Not exactly Waldo.
Y-You shouldn't be here.
Oh, don't mention it.
No, I mean it's not appropriate.
Now you sound like the nurse.
What happened? I broke my hip.
There was an icy patch outside of the Liquor Barn, and Don't worry I didn't break the bourbon.
Well, figured you could use a visitor.
I could use the bourbon.
While I'm here, I do have something on my mind.
Hopefully I'll be back in my office in a couple of weeks.
So, you remem You remember Holly? You know, you're lucky I can't move.
We're at her place.
We're hanging out.
It's going well.
Things are starting to happen.
But then Uh-oh.
Too soon or not at all? Second one.
Oh, geez.
Well, neither one's great.
This never happened to me before.
So it's not me, right? It's her.
It's got to be her.
It's not her.
Then who is it? 'Cause it's not me! Look, a lot of veterans have this problem.
There's a whole bunch of reasons - which cause - Mr.
Patterson, it's time for your surgery.
Thank God.
Hello, Professor.
Hey, there's my favorite student.
I so enjoyed dinner last night.
Mm, I bet you did, you spider.
Feel like I'm missing something.
You have disrespected me and the honor of my family.
How? I took my shoes off.
I had meat for the first time in nine years.
It's clear you have your eyes on Lizzie.
She talk about me? I sent her a Facebook request, but I haven't heard back.
I am on pins and needles.
In my culture, it is unthinkable to be invited into another man's home and then make advances on the women in his family.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
I trusted you.
Do you know how bad you have made me look? Oh, geez.
I-I will absolutely stop pursuing her.
I didn't know.
If there's some kind of Afghan sensitivity training you'd like me to take, I will.
If not, uh, maybe you and I could develop one online.
Good.
I'm glad we see eye to eye.
And, you know, apart from the cultural stuff, - I should have known.
- You should have.
Known what? You're living with a beautiful, talented woman.
It's natural that you have feelings for her.
How dare you.
That is ridiculous.
Oh, no.
I, uh I must have misunderstood the situation again.
I do not have those feelings.
Maybe not consciously.
Subconsciously, who knows? I do.
I know.
Riley is like my brother, which makes Lizzie practically like my sister.
We are done here.
And what kind of man has feelings for his sister? Not this man! Look who's back.
Oh, God.
According to the gang at the nurses' station, your surgery went great.
Oh, and if they ask, I'm your son.
That's the only way they'd let me in.
So, I was thinking about what you said.
You're wrong.
It's got to be Holly's fault.
When I press this button, uh, it gives me more painkiller and I pass out.
So, I'm gonna give you 90 seconds.
Fine.
One, I'm in great shape.
Two, never happened with Vanessa.
Three, every other woman, no complaints.
Okay, some complaints, but it was mostly about me being "emotionally unavailable.
" Okay.
Were any of these women special to you? No.
No.
Nyet.
That was Natasha.
She was a gymnast.
Okay.
Okay, do you think Holly may be your first actual relationship since your wife? Well, I just started seeing her.
I don't know if I'd use big words like "relationship.
" But I guess.
All right.
There you go.
It's different.
More pressure.
So, what, because I like her, that's a problem? Riley, if I ask you to make a three-foot putt, - do you think you could do it? - Sure.
What if there was a million dollars on it? I don't know.
Maybe.
See? When there's more on the line, it's tougher to do.
But I thrive under pressure.
I've been in combat.
Well, sex ain't combat.
Unless that's her thing.
So how am I supposed to stop feeling pressure? Lee Marvin.
I'm sorry.
I think the morphine just kicked in.
Cat Ballou.
Dirty Dozen.
E-Ernie Borgnine! - Hey.
Al.
- Yeah.
Can I ask you something? Of course.
Would you be upset if I asked your professor out on a date? Why would I be upset? I have no feelings about it whatsoever.
Really? - None? - None.
Why, did he say something? It's a lie.
No, I-I just don't want to make things awkward for you at school.
No, go ahead.
It makes no difference to me.
- You sure? - Absolutely.
Great.
Thanks.
You're taking things out of the dryer and putting them in the washer.
Don't tell me how to do my laundry.
Hey.
Hey! Where you been? Sorry I didn't answer your texts.
I'm sorry about the other night.
What are you sorry about? We had fun.
Yeah, but we didn't have all the fun.
It happens.
Not to me.
I think it's 'cause, with other girls, it was like I had my car keys in my hand the whole time.
I don't remember names, I don't remember faces Boy, I hope this was not a prepared speech.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm saying.
This is not a big deal.
It is.
It's like golf.
Even if you're a pro, it's hard to sink a three-foot putt with a million bucks on the line.
So, in this metaphor, you're the pro? And you're the million bucks.
I like hanging out with you.
So how 'bout we keep hanging out and we don't worry about the rest? And how long are you gonna be happy with that? I don't know.
But I do know the happiest I've been all week is when you walked through that door.
Damn it.
When it works, you're in for a treat.
- I'll get it.
- You sure? 'Cause I was just about to get up.
Hello, Mr.
Karimi.
Hello, Professor.
Can I talk to you for a minute? - Sure.
- Ah.
Before you say anything, Lizzie initiated this date.
And I spoke to HR about it and they said it was okay, which trust me They do not always do.
I know.
And I'm perfectly happy for you.
I just want you to know that you were wrong when you accused me of having secret feelings.
Well, not secret Subconscious feelings.
It is you who has those feelings for Lizzie, not me.
It's called projection.
That's right.
I read ahead.
Hey.
- You ready to go? - Absolutely.
Have so much fun! Or don't.
I don't care.