Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e10 Episode Script

Shrub's been really into butter sculpting.
It's a tricky medium.
It's very slippery.
He thinks he's gonna get displayed
at the Butter Bust Museum,
depending where it ends up
- Flatch.
- Dude, I'm a shoo-in.
How much competition could there really be?
Shrub, what the heck? That is
not what my face looks like!
- Look at my neck!
- You want me to compromise
- Yeah!
- My vision? Yeah, okay.
- Easily.
- Shave it down.
- Great.
- Okay, I'll shave it down.
I'll shave it down right there.
Now it looks just like you!
I mean, she's kind of cute.
Action!
Welcome to Flatch.
"When Colonel Robert Flatch
dug this latrine at age 25,
"he had no idea a town
would spring up around it.
"I'm Barb Flatch,
and that man was my
great-great-great grandfather."
- No, cut, cut, sorry.
- You're missing a great.
It's your great-great-
great-great grandfather.
- Look, wait, look.
- Oh, here's the binder.
Here, look, this is him, okay?
- And certainly handsome.
- Nadine, stop ruining takes.
- Okay? That was close enough.
- Close enough
isn't good enough.
Okay? I promised you full access
to Historical Society records,
providing you maintain
full historical accuracy.
- That isn't true, is it?
- In what way?
Hmm, because I still haven't
met the Flatch Mummy.
Oh, my God, for the millionth time,
there is no Flatch Mummy.
Ladies, let's take five.
So Stan and Geoffrey, the guys from
the Butter Bust Museum
are actually going to look
at our rival town, Pockton,
to see if they want that to be
the home of the museum.
Frickin' Pockton.
I mean, they're dry toasters for sure.
- They don't even use butter.
- So we're making this video
to make sure that the
Butter Bust Museum comes here.
- That's right, okay?
- We're shooting a town promo.
Uh-oh! Might just have to make a documentary
out of your documentary.
What's it feel like?
Next stop Kentucky.
Shrub's auditioning for a play
outside of Louisville,
and he asked me to drive him,
and as a former performer,
I'm the perfect person to take him.
Yeah. Also, I'm I'm just
a really bad highway driver.
It's just it's too
fast, it's too furious,
and I just I get overwhelmed.
And on top of that, I get really distracted,
every time I drive by cows.
Cows are my favorite barnyard animal.
Sheep get all the hype,
but they're actually
just so much more beautiful.
Ooh! Forgot the road prunes.
It's kind of a great time
for me to get out of town.
Cheryl's moving her stuff out
after our breakup.
It's been hard.
But she's not getting these road prunes.
- Okay, Joe doesn't know this
- No one does
So don't tell anyone, but the real reason
I'm going to Louisville is to meet my dad,
Lloyd Sr.
I'm auditioning for his play.
He's, like, a director.
He has, like, a theater company
and everything.
They're doing a play called "Chrysalis,"
and I'm gonna get a part,
and we're gonna spend
times of time together, and then, you know,
when we're accepting
the Oscar for best play,
I'll reveal the truth.
"I was your son the whole time," you know?
Whaah!
But then again, I also see a scenario
where we meet today, we lock eyes,
and he knows exactly who I am, you know?
A Lloyd Mallet connection.
Uh, anyway, we're gonna be late.
Binghoffer, dude, we got to go!
Coming.
Sorry. I-I thought you'd be gone already.
Yeah, I forgot the road prunes.
Shrub and I, we're going to Louisville.
We're gonna be gone for a while,
so you and Mandy can
Oh, uh, yeah, uh
okay.
Well bye.
Bye.
I am going to be Airbnb-ing
Nan's old place from Barb,
but I can't take all of this with me.
It's just
a lot of this reminds me of Joe
like this.
We went to the aquarium
Joe got freaked out
because he thought the fish
had faces that were too human.
Time to let all of that go.
Just focus on me.
Be single.
Hey, think I might know
a buyer for your couch.
- Really? Who?
- Just a woman
I been talking to online Renee.
They say that the best way
to get out of one relationship
is to get into another.
It didn't specify it had to be yours.
Not that it's any of your business,
but Renee and I met in the comments section
on Home Depot's Instagram.
She had a righteous anger
about the increased price of potting soil.
I was right there with her.
And then we took it to the DMs.
One thing led to another,
and now we're texting.
She's cool, real cool.
Well, you should invite her over.
It's a perfect excuse to meet up.
It's a meet-couch.
It's a meet-couch
like a meet-cute.
Yeah. O-okay. I'll shoot her a text.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Why don't you be careful
when you turn the pages, okay?
We don't want anything to rip.
I could figure out what I have to shoot next
a lot faster if you'd let me
hold the binder.
Well, you're lucky I'm not
making you wear gloves.
You're backseat bindering.
Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow
Oh
Barb, Barb, Barb,
there's an entire page on you.
- What?
- Stalker. Stalker alert.
- I'm not a stalker.
- This is an historical dossier.
What do you get Hey, how do
you know my blood type?
I don't even know my blood type.
Well, just another service
the Historical Society provides.
Brace face!
Hey, you can laugh and make
fun of me all you want to,
but I won Best Smile four years in a row
because of those braces,
thank you very much.
- Maybe I should get some.
- Your birthday's this Thursday?
Barb, that's huge! We have to do something.
Oh, I already called my skywriting guy.
- We're gonna do skywriting.
- God, we're not skywriting.
We're not gonna do anything,
we're not gonna plan anything.
Except skywriting, and then that's it
- after the skywriting.
- We're not gonna sky write,
because look, look, listen,
girls, when you're my age,
your birthday's just another day.
It's really not that big of a deal.
I'm turning [BLEEP].
So what?
I mean, who celebrates turning [BLEEP]?
Dumb.
It's not that big of a deal.
- Let me see my chapter.
- Oh, it's uh, it's just a page
right now.
Oh, so all you got
is my name, my birthday, my blood type,
and a picture of me with braces.
Yeah. Well, you know,
you're Flatch-in-progress.
That's all you got, though?
Yeah, well, you're not dead yet, okay?
Like, I don't know, maybe the Flatch Mummy.
Don't say the Flatch Mummy! Don't stop.
There is no Flatch Mummy.
There may be a mummy.
You have the right address for the theater?
This seems like a residential neighborhood.
Ohh there he is. Dad.
Uh, the dir ector.
The director guy.
Wow, look at him. He is
Wow.
What are you doing?
- Um
- You okay?
I was just buggin' me.
Hello, beautiful people,
and welcome to the Lloyd Bush Acting Studio!
Temporarily located in my landlord's garage.
Thank you again, Dwayne. Blessings.
- You, like, live here?
- Like, in the garage?
Uh yes, yes, indeed, I do.
- Wow.
- But not to worry.
There'll be no favoritism here today.
Dwayne is auditioning
just like the rest of you.
Dude, this place is incredible.
What you have the
whole place to yourself?
- Are you kidding me?
- Is this a bit?
Uh a bit what?
You're an eager guy.
Would you like to kick off the auditions?
Uh, I have to t-talk to my agent,
uh, real quick.
Um
I feel like I'm gonna throw up
- a little bit.
- No, no, no.
- Just a tiny bit.
- You're not gonna throw up.
Don't throw up. If you throw up, I throw up.
- I hate throwing up.
- I'm gonna probably throw up.
I-it's nerves, okay? It's nerves.
- Okay.
- It's totally normal.
Okay, don't worry, Shrub.
This strange man's garage is a safe space.
I'll give you a little advice
from my A-Men days.
- Please.
- Shut your brain off.
Let your heart take over.
Well, if it's so easy, why don't you do it?
Yeah. Sure, why not?
I'll go first.
An agent willing to step
in the shoes of his client?
I am impressed.
- Thank you.
- All right.
You're gonna be reading
the part of Mr. Caterpillar.
Oh.
So just feel free to kind of
make it your own, okay?
Okeydokey.
Caterpillar.
- Action.
- Action.
"We stand here at the Silver Scalpel,
"a memorial to Frederick Flatch,
"my great-uncle twice removed.
"Despite never attending medical school,
"Frederick performed Flatch's first surgery
at the age of 31."
Frederick's patient died on the table,
but, I mean, it's still impressive.
The closest I've ever gotten
to performing surgery
is piercing my own ears.
And, you know, they got
infected about a month later.
Definitely never gonna win
the Best Ears contest.
It's fine, though,
'cause I win other contests.
Lots of 'em.
She's here!
Oh, gosh. Why did I hide?
Take it easy. Be chill.
Chill? I'm chill.
Mandy.
Hey.
- Renee, hey.
- Nice to, uh, finally meet you.
You too.
Hi!
I'm Cheryl, Mandy's friend.
The couch lady. Isn't she beautiful?
I designed her myself.
Uh, the color and the fabric.
I-I chose one of the two options.
It might be too big for my studio.
Oh.
Well, wait. Don't leave yet.
Uh, I mean, are you looking
for something else?
'Cause everything here is on sale.
Rad! Really?
Everything?
Uh
Yep!
Everything must go.
- Wow!
- And she'll give you
- a good price, too.
- Oh!
Get out of town!
You rule!
She flew away,
leavin' me behind on the cold, hard ground.
But there's one thing
that Lady Ladybug doesn't know.
I'm inching toward something new.
And one day soon,
I'm gonna be
A butterfly.
Scene.
That was beautiful.
I really connected with the character.
Hoo!
You got this, okay?
Turn your brain off, heart on.
I was drawn to her immediately.
Shiny red shell, beautiful black spots.
Hold on, let me just, um
Okay, do whatever
makes you feel comfortable.
Try it, uh, another way, if you like.
That's, uh, literally
maybe the best note
I've ever heard thank you.
'Cause I actually,
I do a really good Gollum.
I was drawn to her
shiny red shell,
beautiful black spotses,
beautiful black eyes.
- Gollum!
- Okay!
Gollum!
Thank you.
Ha ha. Thank you. But, um, I actually
I can keep going.
- There's
- No, no, no, I-I
No, I've seen enough.
You are, uh, certainly
creative.
- Yes.
- But I-I just
don't think you're right for my production.
I
Um dude, I-I
I literally am your production.
Oh, my God!
Don't take this personally!
- Oh, I will, actually.
- Keep acting!
Let this fuel you!
He'll be okay.
Mr. Caterpillar.
[BLEEP]!
Performing again was amazing.
What a rush! There's nothing like it.
But, of course, you know,
I couldn't accept the part.
I can't drive to Louisville
twice a week for rehearsals
unless I made a church trip out of it.
No, no.
No, Dwayne should have it.
His performance was out of this world.
Oh, my God! Can we go home now?
Yeah. Sorry!
- God.
- Let's go back to Flatch.
Okay, rolling,
set action!
"Discovered in 1932
by little Caroline Flatch
"at the age of 6,
the passageways of the caves
"span more than 11 miles.
"Today the caves are open for tours
and a major destination
for local school field trips."
- Okay.
- Okay!
It sounded more exciting on these.
You look good.
Barely out of the womb,
and Caroline frickin' Flatch
discovers a frickin' cave system.
You know what?
You guys go figure out where
we're gonna go next.
I'm gonna go pan for fake fossils
in the fake prospector's creek
because that's what I am a fake.
What?
Fake fossils?
Dude, that's my entire retirement plan!
That's not a plan.
Yeah, it is. What's your plan?
- Well, I have a 401.
- 401
Now you're just doing riddles.
I don't have time for this, Nadine.
Road prune?
I'm not hungry.
- Do you want to play I Spy?
- No, I don't.
I really just don't want to talk, actually.
Do you know how many boy bands rejected me
before A-Men?
Like, I don't actually
want to tell you the answer
because it's really embarrassing,
but I'm gonna tell you
if it'll make you feel better.
[BLEEP] times.
No, dude, it's not about the audition, dude.
My Gollum killed, obviously.
Then what's wrong, Shrug?
Lloyd is my dad.
Like, the director guy.
Oh.
Wow.
I mean, he didn't know I was coming,
but still, like, I thought
maybe he might have, like
a connection to me, you know, like, a
Like, a Spidey sense or, like,
when old people know
when it's gonna rain, but
he's just he didn't want me.
He's my dad, and he didn't want me again.
I didn't even see a cow.
Hey, Barb
you want some fudge?
There's just a little left.
I lied.
I actually had really big plans
for my birthday.
I was gonna go on a Jimmy Buffet cruise.
- Oh.
- Even prepaid
for the all-you-can-drink margarita pass.
But I haven't sold a single home
since I've been back here in Flatch.
Not one. So I can't afford a cheeseburger,
much less one in paradise.
Maybe you'll go next year.
I thought my life would be on track by now.
I mean, I'm almost [BLEEP],
and I am broke and single
and living back in my hometown.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be a Flatch in Flatch?
Being a Kennedy in Hyannis Port.
Amazing, I bet.
- Give me that.
- Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
I've been waiting for someone to ask.
Everywhere I look, everywhere I go,
this Flatch built that,
or this Flatch achieved that, or
Oh, this Flatch died
in some really cool way.
But Barb Flatch?
Barb Flatch hasn't done a thing.
That is not true, Barb.
Yeah, it's true. Please don't, Kelly.
I'm sorry, but this video is
It's pointless.
Those butter guys are never
gonna bring it to Flatch.
It's old and useless, just like me.
Let it go.
- Wait
- It's not gonna happen.
- Wow.
- I know.
She took the binder.
You sure you don't want anything
from the sell or donate piles?
I should stop here.
Thanks for letting me "shop Cheryl."
Hey, I bet that Mandy here
could help you haul it all home.
You can borrow my truck.
You can't keep it, though.
- Sure, I'd love to.
- Oh, that's fine.
There's enough room in my car,
especially since I'm not taking the couch.
Oh, yeah, okay.
- Sure, yeah.
- Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Renee, if that's your real name.
It is?
You're taking half my stuff,
but you are not taking the couch?
- Cheryl
- I mean, this couch
is an incredible catch.
If you think you're too good for this couch,
which, by the way, is impossible,
because look at her,
then, yes, you can skedaddle.
I am gonna skedaddle,
but to be clear,
I don't think I'm too good for you.
Honestly, I'd love to take you on a date.
But your friend is
a lot.
She's a part of the package.
- Take it or leave it.
- That's nice.
Oh, also, you gonna
have to leave everything here.
None of it was for sale.
I lied, and I panicked.
I just wanted you to stay.
That's intense but also
kind of flattering.
Exactly the the vibe I was goin' for.
I'll text you later.
But I'm still not taking the couch.
- Yes, heard, Renee.
- Okay.
Why are we stopping? Is it the prunes?
Nope. It's that.
Piswall's cow?
Now you've seen a cow.
You see, Shrub, this trip
wasn't a complete loss.
Okay, well, technically, this is a cheat,
but I actually really appreciate it.
Thank you.
I know I'm not your dad, but I could be a
kind of stand-in if you need it.
'Cause you know I've got the acting chops.
At least when it comes to playing insects.
Ah, look at her. She is beautiful.
Barb's been like this for days.
She hasn't even showered, which is weird,
because she has changed her wigs.
And today's her birthday.
This stops now.
Hey, there, Barb.
Big day.
Why don't you put down that wine
and come with me?
Okay. Let's just
Give me that. No, no
Why are you so strong? Oh, my
Okay, come on. Let's go.
Come on, let's go. Get up.
Get out of the cha
This rug needs to be vacuumed.
Okay, so I know you said
not to make the video
- Kelly
- I know, I know, I know,
but, you know,
maybe we just give it a watch.
Oh, my God, it's playing! What?
Colonel Robert Flatch
founded this town in 1810
via latrine, but the Flatch family
didn't stop there.
That family of hotties
just kept doing stuff,
performing unlicensed surgeries,
discovering caves
Truly a family of overachievers.
But who cares about all those guys?
They're all old and dead.
Lucky for us, there's still one Flatch
who's alive as hell.
Welcome to Flatch.
Barb Flatch.
And Barb's not just the hotty of all hotties
who won Best Smile four years in a row.
She's back in Flatch
doing everything she can
to make it a better place.
Okay, Barb's a job creator
who hires local artists
and mentors the town's young women.
Select woman Barb Flatch
is giving back to this town
with her time and energy.
She's truly invested.
If you bring the
Butter Bust Museum to Flatch,
she'll throw herself
into making it a success
just like she's helping all of us.
Yeah, she is.
I love it.
But you you didn't actually send this
to the butter guys, did you?
Barb!
Of course we sent it.
Not only did we send it,
but they actually responded pretty quick.
Oh.
Shall we?
"Hey, Kelly." They know my name.
Oh, my God. They want to come and visit!
- Wait. We still have a chance!
- Yeah, girl.
This is totally gonna be your year!
Speaking of
Toot, toot! All aboard!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Okay, this is just like a cruise, right?
- Except no food poisoning.
- I love it.
Why is it your
birthday, but I'm so happy?
- 'Cause you love me.
- Yeah.
Cheers!