Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007) s02e10 Episode Script

1
Xavier: "MOM" SPELLED
BACKWARDS IS "WOW."
AND "WOW" SPELLED BACKWARDS
IS -- WOE IS ME, THAT I CAN'
SEEM TO FIND MY MOM.
BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME CRYING
ABOUT IT.
I WON'T CRY.
IT'S MIND OVER
[ Sobbing ] MOMMY!
I DIDN'T JUST CRY.
DENIAL IS NOT JUST AN OCEAN OF
AFRICANIZED TEARS.
I SWORE I'D RAMBLE AND TRAVERSE
A CONTINENT TILL I FOUND MY
MOTHER.
BUT I'VE REACHED LAND'S END.
[ Echoing ] ENDENDEND.
PROVIDENCE, WHERE NOW IS MINE
PURPLE
THANKS FOR GIVING ME MY FIRS
JOB, MR. EDDIE.
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
15 CENTS OFF TUNA-SAFE DOLPHIN
TACOS!
OW!
Xavier: OH, NO -- THE WAILING
OF A DOLPHIN!
THIS CREATURE'S BEEN BEACHERED.
I'VE GOT TO FREE THIS WILY WILLY
AND TOSS HIM OFF.
DON'T WORRY, EVERYONE.
I SPEAK DYING DOLPHIN.
UH
CHONG, CHONG, DISH NO WAH WAH
DONG DONG?
DOLPHIN'S BEST BE THE MIND STAND
OF THE BRINY GULF, BUT YOU'RE
NOT THE SHARPEST PUDDING IN THE
FANNY PACK.
I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.
BE FREE AND BE ME BY SWIMMING
BACK TO YOUR MOMMY.
[ ZAP! ]
SOMETHING FEELS ABNORMAL WITH
THE BABY INSIDE ME.
WE CAN'T ABORT IT THIS LATE
IN THE PREGNANCY.
THE MOST WE COULD DO IS TORTURE
IT A BIT.
LET'S TRY THAT.
DAMN IT, McGULTRY, YOU'RE
FIRED.
HOW AM I GONNA TELL MY MOM I
GOT FIRED?
Xavier: PORPOISEOID!
I DIDN'T SAVE THAT DOLL FISH
JUST TO SEE A MURDERIZER DRAG
ITS POOR ARCTIC CORPSE THROUGH
THE STREETS.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SLAY AN
ANIMAL, YOU HAD BETTER BE
PREPARED TO EAT THE WHOLE THING.
WHAT ARE YOU?
Xavier: I'M DR. DO-A-LOT-LE.
I LIVE MY LIFE ON FLY-FINGERS
PRINCIPLE.
I WOULDN'T RAISE A FINGER TO
HURT A FLY.
BUT IF YOU DON'T BONE APPETITE,
THESE FLY FINGERS WILL MAKE YOU
GO ON A SEAFOOD DIET.
OKAY, JUST DON'T HURT ME.
[ CHOMP! CHOMP! ]
THE CRUSHING PAIN OF LIFE WILL
BE OVER SOON.
Xavier: I TOLD YOU, IF YOU'RE
GOING TO KILL SOMETHING, YOU'D
BETTER EAT IT.
NOW CHOW DOWN, OR I'LL BREAK MY
VOW OF NONVIOLENCE AGAINST YOUR
FACE.
LET ME OUT!
LET ME OUT!
[ SCREAMING ]
YEAH, OF COURSE, A FURRY
CREATURE BACK IN THE SHIMMERING
OBJECT.
YOU JUST NEED SOME REST, OKAY?
YOU'LL CURE MY BRAIN?
I NEVER WANT TO SEE THOSE
VISIONS AGAIN.
WE'LL TAKE YOU TO A NICE
PLACE.
THEY GOT A MAN CAME IN BELIEVING
HE'S A HORSE, AND THEY'VE
ALREADY WORKED HIM DOWN TO
THINKING HE'S JUST A GOOSE.
THEY GOT A GUY WHO THINKS HE'S
SOME PEPPER, AND THEY PAY A
FELLA TO STAND NEXT TO HIM AND
SNEEZE.
THEY EVEN GOT A WOMAN WHO THINKS
SHE GAVE BIRTH TO AN IT --
STRANGE OLD SLUT.
Xavier: MOMMY.
THEY GOT A BOY WHO WAS RAISED
BY A CRICKET AND A CRICKET THA
WAS RAISED BY A TICK.
THEY GOT A DENTAL TRANNY -- MAN
WITH THE CHOPPERS OF A LADY --
CALL HIM THE TOOTH FAIRY.
BOY, HIS MOUTH IS SO SOFT.
WELCOME.
I'M NOT YOUR MAID, AND I'M NO
YOUR MOM.
WE USE ONLY POSITIVE
REINFORCEMENT HERE.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, WE HIT YOU
WITH THE PROD.
IF YOU REFUSE TO EAT, WE INSER
A FEEDING TUBE.
IF YOU EAT THE FEEDING TUBE, WE
HIT YOU WITH THE PROD.
IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THE PROD,
WE HIT YOU WITH THE PROD.
IF YOU REFUSE TO TAKE YOUR MEDS
ORALLY, YOU'LL BE FED YOUR MOUTH
RECTALLY.
HERE'S THE FUN-HOUSE MIRRORS FOR
THE ANOREXIC.
THESE ARE THE PATIENTS WHO THINK
THEY'RE --
THEY'RE SELF-BLURRING.
THE NYMPH WHORE, CUTTERS,
GREASERS, ROCKERS, MODS, DAGOS,
WOPS.
THIS IS THE REVERSE-PSYCHOLOGY
WING.
HEY, GET DOWN FROM THERE!
I THINK MY HALLUCINATION
SNUCK INTO THE HOSPITAL!
HARRY, FIRE UP THE
LOBOTOMIZER!
Xavier: NOW TO SNEAKISHLY
SEARCH EACH NOOK AND CRANNY FOR
MY MAMMY.
YOO-HOO!
CRANNY!
THIS AREA'S FOR PATIENTS
ONLY.
CAN I HELP YOU?
Xavier: I'M HERE TO, UH,
CHECK MYSELF IN, YEAH.
I SUSPECT I'M CRAZY, WITH A
CAPITAL AND SIDEWAYS "Z" THAT'S
ALSO FLIPPED UPSIDE-DOWN,
INTERESTINGLY.
THAT WOULD MAKE YOUCRANY?
Xavier: DAMN IT, HE SEES
RIGHT THROUGH ME.
HE CAN TELL I'M SANE.
GOT TO HOODINK THIS WINK INTO
THINKING I'M KING CRAZYTHINK.
IT'LL TAKE SOME MENTAL ELBOW
GREASE, BUT NO PAIN-ITY, NO
INSANITY.
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
FRITTATA, I'M IN.
HE'S BUYING IT, HELEN.
NO ONE!
WHY WOULD I BE TALKING TO
SOMEONE?
I'M TOO -- TOO --
[ CUCKOO! ]
[ MEOW! ]
[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ]
HANG ON.
JUST GOT TO PULL THE CHOKE HERE.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
THERE WE GO.
YEP, CONVERTIBLE -- JEALOUS?
FASCINATING.
SUBJECT TO BEGIN THE EVALUATION
PROCESS.
LOOK AT THIS INK BLOT, AND TELL
ME WHAT YOU SEE.
GO WITH IT.
DON'T HOLD BACK.
ABSORB YOURSELF INTO IT.
Xavier: GET AWAY, YOU
SICKENING INKLING.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE AN EVIL
DEMON.
I AM WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO SEE
ME AS.
Xavier: OH, YEAH?
WHAT IF I WANT YOU TO BE MY
BIKE?
OH, WHEE!
WHAT ABOUT A PONY?
YAHOO!
A BIKE FOR THE PONY?
I WANT SOME ICE CREAM.
HEY, PONY, CAN I BORROW A COUPLE
OF BUCKS?
NO?
BROKE-ASS PONY.
I WANT YOU SHOULD BE A PONY,
ONLY THIS PONY HAS A COUPLE OF
SPARE BUCKS.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
NOW, WHERE'S THE ICE-CREAM
STORE?
I CAN JUST BECOME ICE CREAM,
IF YOU WANT.
YOU NEEDN'T COMPLICATE THIS.
Xavier: I DON'T NEED YOUR
CHARITY.
HERE, JUST TAKE THE ICE
CREAM.
Xavier: WAIT, IS THIS SOME
KIND OF A TRAP?
ONLY ONE YUMMY WAY TO FIND OUT.
YUMMY SHRIMP.
BRAIN FREEZE!
THIS NOTION NOSH IS GONNA GO
RIGHT TO MY MENTAL HIPS.
WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING THERE?
GO DEEPER.
Xavier: HEY, MUCHACHO, WHERE
DID YOU DO TO MY ICE CREAM,
CHACHI?
I AM YOUR ICE CREAM.
BUT IT'S REALLY JUST YOU.
Xavier: MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
FIRST YOU SAY I'M SCREAM, THEN
YOU'M SCREAM.
WHAT, WE ALL'M SCREAM?
YOU'RE NOT THE CRISPIEST MEA
HAT IN CHICAN, DO YOU?
IF YOU'RE CALLING ME STUPID,
YOU'RE JUST CALLING YOURSELF
STUPID.
Xavier: WELL, I'M RUBBER AND
YOU'RE RUBBER CEMENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY STICKS AND
STONES, DUMB BONES.
I'M JUST A PROJECTION OF YOUR
FEELINGS.
Xavier: YEAH, PUT IT ALL ON
ME.
SOMEONE'S IN DENIAL.
WILL YOU PLEASE JUST SHU
UP?!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
HE DRIVES UP THE -- I THINK I'M
REALLY LOSING IT.
MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.
WHAT DO YOU SEE ON THIS CARD?
[ SCREAMING ]
Xavier: SHE MUST BE AROUND
HERE.
MY MOM-DAR IS THROBBING
WHITE-HOT.
UNHAND THAT NUT BAG.
HEY, THIS IS JUST THE FRINGE
BENEFLEX OF THE JOB.
IT'S NO BIG WHOOP.
I WAS JUST GIVING HER THE
BIG-WHOOP CURE, THE OLD
SHOCK-AND-AWE THERAPY.
YOU GET IT, WITH THE --
Xavier: THIS IS NO WAY TO
CURE PEOPLE.
I'VE TRIED CURING THE DEAD THA
WAY, AND IT ONLY LEADS TO
HEARTBREAK.
HEY, DON'T WORRY.
YOU KNOW, IF I KNOCK HER UP,
I'LL GIVE HER A UTERUS LOBOTOMY,
THE OLD BRAIN BUSHING, YOU
KNOW?
IT'S HOW WE DO AROUND HERE.
Xavier: ARE YOU OKAY, RANDOM
LADY?
MOMMY!
[ BABY GIGGLES ]
MOTHER, I'VE FOUND YOU.
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?
DON'T BOTHER.
SHE DON'T TALK AT ALL, THANK
GOD.
WON'T EVEN OPEN HER MOUTH.
BELIEVE ME, I TRIED.
AIN'T SAID A WORD SINCE THA
LOBOTOMY CUT OUT ALL THE
THINGAMAJIGS THAT WAS TORMENTING
HER.
I LIKE HER JUGS -- DIBS.
Xavier: I'VE GOT TO GET THA
PART OF HER BRAIN BACK IN HER
HEAD SO SHE REMEMBERS ME.
WHERE DO THEY DISCARD THE
MEDICAL WASTE?
YEAH, I DON'T GOT TIME TO
CHITCHAT, OKAY?
THE BOSS SAYS I GOT TO GIVE THE
COITAL CURE TO THIS WHOLE WING
BEFORE LUNCH.
I'M COMING, BOSS.
I'M COMING.
Xavier: OH, SO MANY.
LET'S TRY -- I DON'T KNOW --
THIS ONE.
CELLOPHANE GRAPE SHIELDS
SLITS THROATS AND --
Xavier: NOPE.
[ SCREAMS ]
Xavier: NOPE.
HEY, PA, I FORGOT HOW PIZZA
WORKS.
Xavier: DUMB WOP.
COULD HAVE USED A GOOMBOTOMY.
GOAL!
Xavier: DAMN IT, I HAD MONEY
ON THAT GAME.
[ ROOSTER CROWS ]
Xavier: OH, CHICKEN. YUM.
I THINK MY HALLUCINATION
SNUCK INTO THE --
Xavier: THAT FELLA'S NUTTIER
THAN MY PANTS AT A COFFIN SALE.
[ As Xavier ] HOW'D THAT GE
IN THERE?
Xavier: THAT'S BETTER.
I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOU
THIS ONE.
SON, HOW'D YOU FIND ME?
Xavier: MOM, IT WORKED!
I FAKED MY DEATH TO GET AWAY
FROM YOU.
I HATE YOU!
Xavier: YOU CAN SAY THAT,
MOMMY, BUT DON'T MEAN IT.
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
AAH!
Xavier: [ GASPS ]
SAY, BIG MAN.
I'VE HAD EVERY OTHER FREAK IN
HERE.
LET ME GIVE YOU THE COITAL CURE.
COME ON, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED
A LITTLE
[ BOING! ]
[ HONK! HONK! ]
[ WHISTLE! ]
Xavier: YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU
WERE MY FIRST, NOT COUNTING
RAPE.
YOU WERE SO HUGE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
MOTHER AND SON IN CARNAL
EMBRACE -- THIS WILL PUT ME ON
THE MAP.
Xavier: BUT MY MOTHER IS --
I'M AFRAID YOU ARE MISTAKEN.
YOU SEE, NURSE ESCHER CAME HERE
YEARS AGO AS A PATIENT, ESCAPING
THE TURMOIL OF HER BESTIAL
CHILD.
AFTER HER LOBOTOMY, I LEFT THE
BRAIN REMAINS IN THE BIO-WASTE
ROOM.
I WAS YOUR PATIENT?
MY FINEST, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO
HUGE.
LOOK FOR YOURSELF.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS A YOGUR
STAIN.
I SLEPT WITH MY SON?!
Xavier: I SEXED OFF WITH MY
MOMMY?
I'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY --
FIRST SCIENTIST TO PROVE THA
LOBOTOMY REMOVES OEDIPAL TABOO.
GO ON, REACT.
Xavier: I'M NO LONGER A
MAMA'S BOY.
SHE MADE A MAMA'S MAN.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
I'M GONNA LET MY FIST DO THE
TALKING.
[ High-pitched voice ] OH, IF I
WASN'T A PEACEFUL MAN, I'D
[ GROWLS ]
[ Normal voice ] NO!
THIS IS RUBBING AGAINST MY POLE,
MY PRINCIPLE OF NONVIOLENCE.
BUT YOU MADE ME DO IT.
I'M YOUR PENT-UP VIOLENCE
UNLEASHED.
Xavier: THIS THING IS CRAZY.
IT'S ON A RAMPAGE.
NO ONE GET NEAR IT.
FEAR IT!
YOU'RE IN DENIAL.
COME ON, HON, LET'S BLOW THIS
NUT STAND.
AND DON'T FOLLOW ME.
Xavier: IT WANTS ME TO FOLLOW
IT.
IT'S USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON
ME.
WELL, I'LL REVERSE RETALIATE
WITH THE PSYCHOLOGY OF A
THOUSAND BACKWARDS MINDS.
I'LL JUST OEDIPAL THESE OUT AND
KNIT-WIT A BRAINGEA HOT-THOUGH
BALLOON.
I KNOW THAT INKY STINK THINKER
IS OUT THERE, SPREADING AMOK ON
HIS BRUTAL HAVOC CRACKERS.
RORSCHACH ATTACK!
LOOK OUT!
IT'S PURE VIOLENCE CON
CARNATE!
I TRIED TO TELL YOU.
I'M ONLY VIOLENT IF YOU'RE
VIOLENT.
Xavier: BUT I'M NOT VIOLEN
AT ALL.
LOOK.
BUT YOU KILLED THOSE PEOPLE.
Xavier: DID I?
WHAT HE DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT I'M
USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON HIM.
I CAN TELL YOU'RE TRYING TO
USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON ME.
Xavier: THAT PROVES HE
DOESN'T KNOW.
OH, YEAH?
IF I WAS USING REVERSE
PSYCHOLOGY, WHY, OH, WHY, WOULD
I DO THIS?
MY TREATMENT WORKED.
THANKS FOR MY JOB BACK,
MR. EDDIE.
I WON'T DISAPPOINT.
YOW!
PLEASE, STOP IT.
Xavier: YOU'RE DOING A GREA
JOB.
WHY DO YOU REVERSE WANT ME TO
KEEP KILLING THESE POOR PEOPLE?
YOU MONSTER!
THIS IS MY BEST TRICK YET.
FINE, JUST, UH, TELL ME WHA
YOU DON'T NOT WANT ME TO DO.
Xavier: I WANT NOT THAT YOU
SHOULD NOT TURN INTO THE
OPPOSITE OF A NICE, NON-BIG
ICE-CREAM CONE -- BIG ONE.
OKAY, I'LL DO IT.
I MEAN, NO WAY, I WON'T DO IT.
Xavier: I GOT DIBS.
OH, DID YOU CHUMPS WANT A LICK?
PSYCHE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I FEEL HIM KICKING.
I THINK IT'S TIME.
I'M HAVING OUR INCEST BABY.
Xavier: THIS IS DISGUSTING.
HOW I'M BLUSHING WITH PRIDE.
PUSH, HONEY, PUSH.
THIS IS SOME KIND OF MONSTER.
INTERESTING.
I THINK YOU'RE READY TO SEE
YOURSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME --
NOT HOW YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF,
BUT HOW YOU TRULY ARE.
HOT DANG, I'M CURED.
Xavier: CURED?
WHO SAID THERE WAS ANYTHING
WRONG WITH YOU?