Z Rock (2008) s02e10 Episode Script

Joey: Previously on "Z Rock" - Hello, boys.
- Oh my God, it's John Popper! I'm in 12 steps.
One of the steps is to make amends.
That's why I got Paulie this audition.
I made a call to my friend Lou.
He's a producer over at "Rock of Ages.
" Isn't that guy from "American Idol" isn't he the lead on that? Well, they gotta recast because Constantine apparently flaked out.
- I don't know where he is.
- Moving on.
I think we found our next star of "Rock of Ages.
" Holy Dina Malinski, will you marry me? - Oh, shit.
- (muffled cries) Constantine Maroulis.
John Popper freaking kidnapped me.
I've been in there for two days.
- I was trying to make amends.
- Yeah.
He did it for us.
John, I will wait for you.
Don't hurt him.
I love you, John Popper.
John, I love you! Neil: Hey, I got a surprise for you.
For all your hard work I got for you guys a new LCD screen television.
- David: What? - All right, Neil! - This shit is high def.
- Nice.
That's gonna look sick in our apartment.
- We can get that in the van, right? - Whoa whoa whoa, fellas.
When I said I bought it for you guys, I actually meant I bought it for me.
But you guys can watch it whenever you want right here in this green room with the exception of "Dancing with the Stars" hour because that is my time.
Dude, we could really use a new TV in our apartment.
Can't we just have it? Look All right, maybe we could work something out here.
I'll let you guys take it home if Paulie, you just help me do some light cleaning around the place, organize the bar, and just, you know, some various odd jobs.
- I can do that.
- Some odd handjobs, preferably.
- What? - Huh? Hey, this thing's got a great picture.
We should check it out, all right? Oh, look at that.
- What the hell is that? - Neil: That is the bathroom.
- Paulie: Here? - Yeah.
Is that the men's room or the ladies' room? - There's a ladies' room? - All right, let's go.
1,000 channels, guys.
Look, there's 1,000 different channels.
Thanks for nothing, Neil.
Come on, guys, there's other stuff on this thing.
- Look.
Look look.
- (rock music playing) Guys, guys, that's us.
They're playing "Temptation.
" - We're on TV? - Yeah.
I'm a sex tsunami I'll do you and your mommy Fold you both in half Like some origami Joey: What the hell is this? Some rap guy stole our song? I nail two at a time With my hammerhead shark So sit right back You know what this means? We're gonna be totally rich.
Yeah or totally screwed.
"Or totally screwed"? Are you kidding? This shit is the mad dopeness.
(grunting) Oh, sick.
Hmm? Check it out.
You see what I'm working with back there? Jump up on there, Paulie.
Teach it a lesson.
- (rock music playing) - We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming Here we go.
Kids: Z Rock! Paulie: Dina, you gotta help us.
Some rapper stole "Temptation.
" (scratchy voice) It wasn't just some rapper.
- That's Pure Dark.
- David: What's up with your voice? I'm drinking crantinis and I'm allergic to cranberry juice.
Then why are you drinking it? Because they're delicious and I have a wicked bad urinary tract infection.
What's the story with this Pure Dark guy? How did he even hear of the song? I was at the Source Awards.
My phone rang.
My ringtone is "Temptation.
" Next thing I know, this hot black guy's behind me saying, "Can I sample that?" I thought he meant my ass.
Turns out he wanted to sample the song and I could see star on this guy, so I said yeah.
So it's like what I said we're gonna be rich.
Yes.
I mean, if the song's a big hit.
Otherwise, no, not at all nothing.
So this rapper has our song and we have nothing to show for it right now? You don't understand, Joe.
This is gonna lead to all sorts of other things for us.
I already got a meeting with Pure Dark's music video producer this guy I've known for years that wouldn't take my calls until Pure talked to him himself.
He now wants to take a meeting possibly to do a TV show, all because of the sample.
- That's good news.
- Dina: Yes, it is.
May I get you something else, Ms.
Lohan? Oh no, thank you.
I have another engagement.
But you can bring my boys some, um, shrimp fritters and some of those cute little barbecue ribs you have.
No problem.
I'll put that on your tab, Ms.
Lohan.
Thank you, sir.
Why does he keep calling you Ms.
Lohan? For some reason they think I'm Lindsay Lohan's mother.
I think it's because I drink like a fish when I'm here.
I gotta go to my appointment.
Bye, guys.
I know, Popsicle.
I miss you too and I am counting the days until we're together again.
Aw, it's only 1,095 912 if I behave good.
- Really? - I could get us a conjugal visit.
I've got a big big surprise for you, baby.
Wow.
We've talked about it a lot and I think you're really gonna like it.
Wear something white and lacey.
John You know what I'm talking about.
I think I do.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
Oh, blessed St.
Veronica, if she loves me, she'll turn around.
Yes.
I love you, girl.
- (klaxon buzzes) - What an ass.
Hey.
Boo! - What's up, man? - Hey, how's it going? - Good good.
How you doing? - Not too bad, you know.
The Crips are letting me join their gang this afternoon.
Hmm, are you gonna get jumped in or fucked in? - I got till 3:00 to decide.
- Hmm.
Well, what can I do to help you, man? Why'd you call me? Get me out of here, Gary.
No, I'll help you with that.
I got a great lawyer.
Actually, he's an entertainment lawyer, but he got me on "Hollywood Squares" twice.
Fuck that.
You gotta get me the fuck out of here.
John, John, I'm a fucking B celebrity.
I can get you Mets tickets.
I can get you tickets to Sugar Ray.
I can't get you the fuck out of here.
- Don't make me do this, man.
- Do what? I have in my possession a photograph so heinous it will not only embarrass you publically, but it will ruin your career.
John, I'm Gary Dell'Abate.
I've been humiliated my whole fucking life 25 years on the radio.
I've been squirted in the face by a porn star.
I've been farted on by Dan the Farter.
What the fuck do you have that's gonna humiliate me? I'll see what I can do.
- It's so good seeing you again.
- You too.
Here's your crantini.
That's $14.
Doesn't Dina Lohan have a tab here? Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, I could've bought the drinks.
They think I'm James Franco.
Sorry for the voice.
I know I sound a little bit like a transsexual.
Oh, that's how I remembered your voice.
Why have you not returned an old friend's phone call? Uh, I kind of figured you knew I felt it was a little awkward because of our, you know, past.
You mean about losing your virginity to me? I didn't lose my virginity to you, Dina.
I just never did that before.
It's okay.
People do it all the time.
No, they don't.
They don't do that.
Can we get to business? Listen, I have a huge opportunity for your band ZO2.
- It's gonna be great.
- That's great.
Uh, actually, could James Franco get a drink over here? Baby baby baby Wish you were mine.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Guys, stop stop.
Why are we even going through the motions? We're gonna write a great song again and then Dina's gonna come along and give it to the next rapper.
If it gets our music out there, absolutely.
I'd rather be doing anything else than this.
I'd rather go eat some waffles.
Well, I'd always rather go eat some waffles.
Look, it's possible that this song could be huge.
Do we trust Dina? We do, yes? So let's just trust her.
Let her do her job.
- (cell phone ringing) - Freakin' morons.
Hey, so how's the meeting going? It went great.
You guys are gonna be thrilled.
What exactly does that mean? Are we playing the Garden? Even better.
You're playing a bar mitzvah.
- Waffle time, come on.
- (cell phone ringing) I knew I was right.
You can't trust Dina.
You were right.
I'm not gonna use those exact English words, but - Yes? - That was rude.
Listen to me.
A TV producer actually wants to meet with you guys tomorrow.
This is huge.
Producer: All right, man, ZO2.
Good to meet you guys in person.
I hope you don't mind I'm gonna do most of the talking.
Poor Dina has that weird urinary tract infection in her throat.
So listen, did you tell them the idea? Well, what Dina was saying was that we were gonna be playing a bar mitzvah.
A bar a bar mitz - Are these guys retarded? - No.
You're not gonna be doing a bar mitzvah.
- Thank God.
- That's crazy.
You're doing a "Bizarre Mitzvah.
" - Excuse me? - You know "My Super Sweet 16," right? You slap a yarmulke on that bitch, that's my show.
This is definitely the best idea I've ever taken credit for.
You guys are gonna perform at the party after the ceremony.
We're gonna get to perform our songs on TV? Yes, you'll be on TV.
You'll be on every TV on the planet.
Whoo! I am sold.
So now who's the bar mitzvah boy? Uh, he'll be here in a minute.
But I wouldn't call him boy.
- Pure Dark: Eh, yo, DJ, drop that shit.
- (hip-hop music playing) Yeah yeah.
What's up, what's up? How you doing? We in the house.
Pure Dark and shit.
You know what I'm saying? Give these motherfuckers some money.
- Yo, dawg - Here you go, boo boo.
- So, guys, this is this is Pure - Yo yo.
- All right, I'm sorry.
- Yo, don't ever touch me.
I won't do that again.
But this is Pure Dark.
He's gonna be performing with you at the bizarre mitzvah, but he's also gonna be bar mitzvahed.
- Get it.
- What? Why would anyone voluntarily become Jewish? What? Let me break down this shit to you.
The first Jews were black the Falashas, man.
Ethiopia.
You know what I'm saying? - Africa, man.
- Yeah, son.
Man, you don't even understand, man.
This shit is a beautiful beautiful religion, man.
Do you understand, man? And plus you got mad holidays and I need rest.
Martin Luther King ain't gonna do it for me.
But I'll tell you what, I wanna thank you for letting me sample your "Temptation" for my new hot single "Feel the Motion.
" - That shit is hot.
- It's a hot single, man, because of you and, ha ha, this nice piece of ass right here.
- Nice ass, dude.
- Appreciate that shit.
Let's feel that motion, dawg.
Feel that shit.
Ah.
All right, stop.
All right, so let me get this straight.
You're canceling a Saturday night rock 'n' roll gig at my club to do a fucking bar mitzvah? That's like canceling a romantic dinner with Mario Lopez, and no one's fuckin' doing that.
It's not just a bar mitzvah, okay? It's a bizarre mitzvah.
Huh? Let me explain it to you.
You know those shows like "My Super Sweet 16" where every episode they have, like, another - What are you doing? - Hmm? - What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I read those signals crazy wrong.
Go ahead.
And start a little bit earlier.
I stopped paying attention a while ago.
What I was saying was we're gonna be performing and Pure Dark it's his bar mitzvah.
This is a big opportunity, not to mention it's gonna be a killer party.
Are there gonna be a bunch of, like, pumped-up black dudes, like, fresh-out-of-prison style shit? Maybe.
Well, let me dust off my yarmulke and come.
Shalom, bi-atch.
Yow, whoa! What is your problem, man? All right, honestly, I read those signs right.
That one was all fuckin' you.
(harmonica music playing) (klaxon buzzes) - Hi, baby.
- Baby! Oh.
- How are you? - Great.
I love this outfit.
It looks awesome.
Thanks.
I thought it was perfect for your big surprise.
Oh, it is.
Is she gonna leave? You know, so we can start the ceremony? No, she she's part of the ceremony.
- What do you mean? - What do you mean? I thought we were gonna get married.
I mean, I thought that was your big surprise.
- That's why - Married? What kind of lunatic gets married in a conjugal visit room? We're gonna have a threesome in a conjugal visit room.
I'm gonna eat you like a motherfuckin' sandwich.
Isn't she adorable? - Animal! - But, baby, you like threesomes.
I love threesomes.
But when it comes to marriage, that's sacred, John.
I was just trying to spice things up.
Why would we need to spice things up, John? We haven't had sex in three months.
Well, you haven't had sex in three months.
I'm getting it pretty regular in here, and frankly it's a little boring.
Oh, you're disgusting.
You haven't changed one bit.
I hope you get shanked.
We're over.
- Nightstick him for me, would you? - (klaxon buzzes) (Dina crying) Hey, Papa, you want me to get Mo Mo out of solitary? We could set this threesome shit off right.
Ah, look who's here.
Hello.
Congratulations.
On "Celebrity Apprentice.
" Thank you.
No no no, congratulations on not being dead yet.
This shithead had you going before Dom DeLuise.
- No, that's not true.
- What are you guys doing here? - Actually, we're gonna be on TV.
- Can you believe it? - About time! That's wonderful.
- Isn't that great? Oh, yeah.
Great to see you guys, all right? - Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye.
We'll talk to you later.
Whoa! Oh my God, I just grazed your booby and I apologize It's fine.
These are not my breasts.
It means nothing.
Go on, squeeze.
No, harder.
- No no no no.
- Harder, go ahead.
- Don't be ashamed.
- This is not what it looks like.
All right, let go of my aunt's breasts, Paulie.
He's a third of my age.
He's a child.
It would be the same thing as if I was going like No no no! I gotta go.
I'm sorry.
I've been doing that for years to little boys.
Go, Paulie.
That's stranger danger.
What are you doing? You can't touch him in his swimsuit area like that.
- He could press charges.
- Oh, for God's sakes.
You are in some mood today, sweetheart.
- What's the matter? - John and I are not getting married.
Turns out he's a sex maniac and probably still on drugs and bisexual and ugh.
It's over with? It's finished? Yeah, I guess he's not the love of my life.
Dina if you're not getting married, sweetheart, let me take this back.
This is a family heirloom.
It was my father's.
Call me.
We'll have lunch.
Producer: Okay, everybody, let's calm down.
Don't talk.
Thank you very much.
High energy when the rabbi comes out, all right? I got my eye in the sky.
Man on the ground, I want you sweeping.
Let's get the family.
Wait, after I say "Action.
" He's new.
And action.
"Bizarre Mitzvah," take one.
- (klezmer music playing) - Producer: Cue the rabbi.
Hi, everyone.
Uh, mazel tov Okay, cut cut.
Rabbi, Rabbi, am I Jesus? 'Cause you're killing me.
This is not a bore mitzvah.
This is a bizarre mitzvah, okay? So let's funkify that Hebrew shit a little bit for me.
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
I'm gonna need a lot of energy from you guys.
Let's try it again.
And action! Ladies and gentlemen, mazel tov and congratulations.
It's great to have you here for the bizarre mitzvah.
Welcome the guest of honor: Pure Dark.
- (applause) - Yeah yeah.
Yeah yeah.
Pump it up, motherfuckers! Yeah.
Ah.
Yeah yeah.
Rabbi, Rabbi, what's up? This is the man right here.
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
- Okay.
- Appreciate it.
Shalom hold that.
- (praying in Hebrew) - Get the shot, get the shot.
- That's great stuff right there.
- (continuing in Hebrew) ("Temptation" ringtone playing) Oh, that's my song.
Dina.
- I'm sorry, just one minute.
- Producer: Cut cut.
- Hello? - Baby, I'm so sorry.
You gotta forgive me, please.
I can't talk to you right now.
It's over.
It is not over.
- I won't allow that to happen.
- Oh, really? How are you gonna do that from jail? No jail can hold John Popper if John Popper doesn't wanna be held.
I gotta go.
I'm at a black rapper's bar mitzvah.
Dina! Dina! Done.
Turned it off.
Sorry.
All right, let's try one more time.
Everybody, high energy, smiles.
- Action.
- (praying in Hebrew) - Mazel tov! - All right.
(cheering) Yeah.
I'm a man now.
You know what I'm saying? I'm a I'm a man in this bitch.
Yo, I'd just like to make a little speech.
Wrote this last night.
You know, smoking weed and shit, had some thoughts.
- Hell, yeah.
- Moms and Pops, man straight up, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here, man.
I'm not sure you're my real father.
You don't look nothing like me, man.
- You look like Desmond Tutu, dawg.
- (laughter) But, man, since you been around long enough, man, I guess you're qualified.
Thanks, Dad.
Are you guys ready for the baddest bizarre mitzvah party ever? It's time to party, baby.
Okay, everybody, are we ready to go? Let's get Pure Dark up here, and action.
- (cheering, applause) - Oh yeah.
Yeah yeah.
How y'all feel out there? Make some noise.
Give it up for ZO2.
We're gonna rock this motherfucker.
(hip-hop music playing) I'm a sex tsunami, I'll do you and your mommy Fold you both in half like origami Like Noah to the Ark I'm the Pure to the Dark Nailin' two at a time like a hammerhead shark So sit right back as I'm gettin' some tail You call me Moby Dick as I make you wail I'll throw my hook right into your ocean There she blows, come on, feel the motion - Oh! - Feel the motion - Yeah.
- The guy's going fishin' now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- ZO2.
- (crowd cheering) Pure Dark.
You know what I'm saying? All day.
Time to fuck.
Whoo, that was the shit, baby.
Now, listen, man.
We gotta work together again, man.
- You know what I got? - I agree.
I got a mansion in St.
Croix.
You ever been to St.
Croix? - No.
- Me neither.
But I got some shit out there.
Got a 16-room mansion, man.
Got a full recording studio.
Bring your whole band ZO2.
We'll work on some music.
- I am into it.
- You know what I'm saying? Ringtones could you imagine black and Jewish ringtones? We can't fuck this up, man.
Drop it like it's hot.
Ah! Whoa.
- Yo, what's up, man? Eh - No no no no.
I don't blame you.
I know.
You can see it from your periphery.
Dude, I went to art school.
It's okay.
Yeah, this is a work of art.
Picasso! (laughs) Yeah, when girls see it, their face get all fucked up like a Picasso painting.
No no.
The reason I made a comment was that I noticed you have foreskin.
Foreskin? 14-skin, motherfucker.
No no no, foreskin.
You know what I mean.
The whole contract between God and Abraham? No.
Well, look, it's not really a big deal.
But technically, to be a real Jew, you gotta be circumcised.
I'll see you at the buffet.
There she blows, come on, feel the motion Hey, buddy, it's pretty crazy, huh? What's that? This has to be the first ever adult black rapper bar mitzvah.
Oh, come on, man.
I've been to dozens of these things.
Shit, I remember back in 1987 going to Biz Markie's first bar mitzvah.
Of course that's before he converted to Buddhism in '94 and then back to Judaism in 2001.
But I think that's because he wanted to get back in the game.
You know what I'm saying? - Who are you? - I'm Neil Latham.
- Oh hey, man.
- I'm a club owner.
You familiar with Webster Hall? - You own Webster Hall? - No no, I do not.
I own the studio beneath Webster Hall.
It's the same address, but they put a lowercase A next to it.
- Oh.
- We've had a lot of bands play there.
He had Steel Panther has played there.
We had an Iron Maiden cover band come through at one point.
- Wow, that's pretty cool.
- Yeah.
What do you do? I've been in the music business for a while myself, you know.
I've worked with a few guys that maybe you've heard of - Pink Floyd.
- Pink Floyd, yeah.
- Led Zeppelin, the Beatles.
- Oh, yeah, those are very random.
Excuse me, sir.
Your Bentley's ready.
- You brought my golf clubs? - Yes, sir.
I gotta go.
Take it easy, man.
A pleasure.
Man, what a jack-off.
Do you know who you were just talking to? Yeah, some dildo with a bunch of bullshit.
That was Jason Flom.
- Super chef Jason Flom? - No.
He discovered Matchbox 20, Kid Rock, Twisted Sister.
All that guy has to do is say, "You're pure magic" - you're in.
- Shh.
I was just at the urinal talking to Pure Dark.
He invited us to his mansion in St.
Croix to record more tracks.
Do you know what this means? By the time that this show airs, we're gonna have another track set up to go.
We'll be rolling in the dough.
Guys, we made it! We made it! (cheering) Yo yo yo yo.
Got a little announcement to make.
Get my man Paulie up here.
Get my man Paulie up here, yo.
Yeah.
Yeah yeah.
You know what I'm saying? Yo, man, me and Paulie had a deep conversation back there - about what it takes to be a real Jew.
- St.
Croix, St.
Croix.
You know what I'm saying? A real Jew, man.
I just wanna tell you something.
- Fuck this Jew shit.
- (crowd murmuring) - What? - Yeah, man, fuck this shit.
Take that bullshit, man.
Ain't nobody taking no knife to my Pure Dark.
- Say shalom to my little friend.
- (zipper unzips) (all gasping) Everyone stay back; it has teeth.
Producer: Jesus C you know what? This is the third rapper this week to show me his cock.
I can't work with this.
Let's go, people.
Our situation is grim.
Pure Dark has been banned from everything.
Nobody's playing his songs.
"Bizarre Mitzvah" is completely over.
Even Gary Busey said he wouldn't do it.
Look, guys, listen to me for a second, all right? We can get famous eventually.
All we need is one lucky break.
I found the next Guns N' Roses.
It's these guys that played at the bar mitzvah.
They look goofy, but their sound is pure magic.
I just can't remember their name.
- I think I had it.
It's like Z - Oh shit! - (children's music playing) - Oh thank God.
- Oh.
- (groaning) I'll take a double scoop of rocky road.
Cone or cup? - Gary, shit! Let's go.
- Hold on, hold on.
First of all, I want the fuckin' picture.
- All yours.
- Okay.
I also want that cool orange jumpsuit.
- Yeah yeah yeah, sure.
- I want a year's supply of harmonicas.
- Fine, you got it.
- All right.
- Boo! - All right.
Hey, I brought something special for you.
Oh, my hat.
That's awesome.
I felt naked without it.
Hold on.
I also want the hat.
Shit.
John: Dina, boys, I'm coming for ya! Does everything suck right now? Yes.
- Are we in the shitter? - AIl: Yes.
But the point is you gotta look at the bright side always.
What bright side? Please tell me what's on this famous bright side, oh wise one.
This cup of coffee this is the most incredible cup of coffee I've ever had.
Please do me one favor sit down and shut up? Oh, the most important thing: We have each other and we have great songs.
That's the key is the music.
He's adorable.
Ain't it beautiful AIl: To flow downstream? I'm driftin' away now, yeah So Eh, douche! This is the best cup of coffee I ever had.
You ruined it.
Stupid asshole.
So let me be Now ain't it beautiful? No doubt about it I just just can't live without it.
Paulie: Ready? One, two, three.
Kids: Z Rock! Man: That's original.