ALF s02e11 Episode Script
Hail to the Chief
Interesting concept -- The pencil.
Where did it come from ? I've heard a number of theories on that.
How about the shortest one ? The stationery store.
Thank you.
That's a voter registration application.
Can't fool you.
You can't vote.
You're not a citizen.
I'll apply for a green card.
That's only for a job.
Pass ! ** Guess what we're doing tonight ? Stuffing ourselves, until we see blue dots ? No, we're watching the presidential debate on tv.
Not me.
You're voting in this election.
The issues are important.
Listen to your mother.
You don't.
She's not my mother.
I'm supposed to go to the mall with julie.
Lizard got a job at the weiner-On-A-Stick place.
They're gonna make fun of his hair net.
Stop listening in on my phone calls.
I didn't.
Alf did.
You owe brian an apology.
Now, stop trying to change the subject.
You should stay home and watch the debate.
Since when have you been interested in politics ? Are you kidding ? On melmac, i was a registered democat.
Democat ? We were a political party and a music group.
Hi.
Hi, dad.
Hi, dad.
Hi, honey.
Hi, dear.
Sorry i'm late.
I wish you had called.
I did call ! Oh, yeah.
Willie called and said he'd be late.
Thank you.
Alf, why don't you write down my messages ? They're hardly quotable.
Well, y'all have a pleasant evening.
Weiner-On-A-Stick.
Yeah, the grand opening.
How'd you know that ? That's where i ate.
You ate dinner ? Oh, yeah.
Don't hold dinner.
He'll eat at the mall.
Thank you, again.
Why did he stop by the mall ? He didn't say.
To buy shoes.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Hey, the debate's starting.
Good evening.
Tonight the candidates face the issues, and me.
I'm john mclaughlin.
On my right, gill hossenfeffer, senator from wyoming.
On my left, nathan peal, congressman from oregon.
I can see hossenfeffer's pale white shins.
I never realized how unappealing The human leg can be.
You're in the oval office.
The red phone rings.
Soviet missiles are heading for the white house.
Do you push the button ? [ Alf .]
can i vote for the guy in the middle ? In answer to your question -- As joe biden once said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
" By arming ourselves against the impossible, We are preventing the unthinkable From becoming the inevitable.
Double-Talk.
Preventing war is easy.
Just tell the people who are mad at each other, To kiss and make up.
International politics is very complex.
The soviets want peace and so do we.
But we're separated by History, ideology, economic philosophy You sound just like those windbags.
No, i don't.
The soviets want peace and so do we, But we're separated by history, Ideology, economic philosophy -- Wow ! Kate, maybe you should become president.
Are you decent ? Would it matter ? Not to me.
Where's kate ? Oh, there you are.
With that light behind you, I could see your silhouette.
You look Alf ! What ? I was gonna say you look like an angel.
Thank you.
A naked angel.
What do you want ? I keep thinking about the debate.
I noticed those politicians never give simple answers.
That's because the issues are so complicated.
I think the voters would like answers they could understand.
Like your answer to unemployment -- Hire the jobless to give you piggy-Back rides.
If i can restore a man's dignity by climbing on his back, I say go for it.
You can't understand our democratic process Because you're not looking at the big picture.
The big picture over the piano ? No.
By big picture, i mean -- Because i can look at that, if i stand on the piano.
"Big picture" means -- It's all right.
If alf wants to look at the big picture over the piano, Let him.
I am going to bed.
Thank you, kate.
Just don't get any fur between the keys.
All right, but don't lock your door.
I may have some more political questions for you.
He took the key.
At least mr.
Ed stayed in the barn at night.
Ms.
Tanner, our environment is becoming endangered, Much like the liberal.
What would you do about it ? Well, my environmental plan Includes tax incentives to the industrial sector To encourage factory modernization, as well as -- [ Alf .]
aw, lunch meat ! Alf ! Candidate alf.
Your solution to pollution ? [ Rapping .]
my solution to pollution will help your constitution.
So send a contribution, and start the revolution.
Uh huh, uh huh.
Could we please get serious ? Quiet ! Rap master alf is on a roll.
Thanks, man.
Weiner-On-A-Stick ? My pleasure.
Your answer ? To get rid of pollution, Tie big balloons on all the smokestacks To catch the dirty air.
[ Applause .]
Wait a minute.
And when the balloons were full ? I'd rub them on a big sweater, And stick them to the ceiling of the white house.
Finally, a candidate as intelligent as myself.
How can you say that ? His solution is impractical and ludicrous.
Sour grapes, ms.
Tanner.
You lose.
I'm voting for the alfer.
[ Audience chants .]
alf, alf, alf Alf.
That's my name.
Ask me again, and i'll tell you the same.
Alf ? That's my name.
Ask me again, and i'll tell you the same.
What are you doing in here ? I got tired of looking at the big picture.
Hey look ! Willie's shins glow in the dark.
Was there something you wanted ? Meat.
Meat ? And cheese Between numerous slices of bread.
Go.
Eat meat.
First, i want to know something.
Why didn't that moderator ask the important questions ? Like what ? Like -- Will you be a good president or a bad president ? What kind of question is that ? If he says "a bad president," i won't vote for him.
You're right.
Your questions make a lot of sense.
You should have been the moderator.
Now, good night.
Good night.
If you need me, i'll be at the refrigerator.
We won't need you.
I'll still be at the refrigerator.
Excellent answer, senator hossenfeffer.
No wonder you're so far ahead in the polls.
Thanks.
I'll see you at the inaugural ball.
Now, representing the wrong point of view, Your opponent, Welcome, ms.
Tanner.
If that is your real name.
It is.
Katherine daphne halligan tanner.
Question 1, where'd you get a name Like daphne ? Could we please talk about the issues ? All right.
Question 2 -- Unemployment -- If you're elected, will my brother find a job ? I think he stands a very good chance.
Ha, ha, ha.
Shows what you know, daphne.
I don't even have a brother.
How often do you make promises you can't keep ? Never ! But you just did.
You're a liar.
Liar, liar, pants on fire ! Would you vote for a liar ? [ Audience .]
no ! You may step down.
I'm not on trial.
Keep lying, and you will be.
I'm not lying.
I'm not lying ! [ Click .]
[ No sound .]
[ No sound .]
I'm not lying ! I'm not lying ! You're certainly not standing up.
What are you doing ? Trying on cheap jewelry.
And you ? Having a nightmare.
Was it the one i have about being at work, And realizing i'm not wearing any pants ? Then remembering -- I don't work and i never wear pants.
No, i was in a presidential debate.
You were the moderator.
You were asking stupid questions.
Was i wearing pants ? Stupid questions like that.
Kate ? Alf ? Go back to sleep, willie.
This doesn't concern you.
Okay.
I have another stupid question, kate.
Why do all those candidates look alike ? That's not a stupid question.
Sorry.
That's okay.
One reason that all the candidates look alike Is that they have image consultants; People who advise the -- Why am i telling you this ? I thought you were trying to lull me to sleep.
Get out of here.
You're pretty cranky at 3:14 am.
I hope you're more sociable at 5:28.
Hi.
What did you think of my debate ? You were great, honey.
Yeah, mom, you were terrific.
Neat.
Really ? Hey, tell her the truth.
I saw it.
You stunk.
P.
U.
Odor city.
You shouldn't be president.
You should be foreman at the skunk works.
Thank you for your constructive criticism.
We still love you, mom.
Love, shmuv.
You need help.
My card.
"Gordon shumway.
Image consultant.
" The ink is still wet.
First, we need to lose We'll pin it up later.
Now the name kate tanner It doesn't say "power.
" It says "wipe your feet, i just mopped.
" All right what name would you suggest ? Let's see whoopi tanner.
No.
Indira tanner.
No, i got it.
Mary tyler tanner.
No, no.
I've got a better one.
Come with me.
Come on.
Now representing the new and improved party, Ms.
Sigourney tanner.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Oh.
Not you again.
Would you be happier if i were a burglar ? At this point, yes.
Okay, give me your purse.
Why are you wearing willie's robe ? I decided that i want to be president.
Do you like this look for my fireside chats ? I'll be in the kitchen making bumper stickers.
Eeney, Meeney, Miney Gabon.
Yes, mr.
President ? Send a memo to gabon.
Ask if they need foreign aid, Or if they want sally struthers to adopt some kids.
Right away, sir.
And there's a kate tanner to see you.
That's my kate.
Send her in.
Kate, long time no see.
Hello, mr.
President.
What do you think of the office ? It's oval.
Popcorn ? I popped it over the eternal flame.
Why did you call me here ? Because i want you in my cabinet.
Right between the ben gay and the dental floss.
Ha ha ha ! Just kidding.
You haven't lost your boyish sense of humor, mr.
President.
Why else would i appoint judge reinhold To the supreme court ? The president has a lot of serious problems [ Burp .]
To deal with.
For example -- What do you plan to do about the homeless ? It's done.
What ? I had houses built for each of them.
And what about unemployment ? There is none.
Everybody's building houses.
I suppose people aren't fighting wars anymore ? Who's got time to fight ? They're all picking out wallpaper for new homes.
I don't think the country's problems can be solved that easily.
Sure they can.
Look outside.
[ Burp .]
Everybody's dancing in the street.
There was lots of room after we swept up the dead stock brokers.
Looks like the old alfer came through, huh ? I must say, i'm impressed.
You've solved 200 years of problems in one week.
Actually, i took the weekend off.
I went to camp david.
See this neat wallet i made ? Very nice.
[ Buzz .]
Sir, the ayatollah returned your call.
He's sorry about mining the gulf, And he'd love to be the white house santa this year.
Thanks, fawn.
Well, i guess you are a good president.
[ Ring .]
Don't worry, it's the black phone.
President here.
Really ? Yeah, no problem ! Thank you ! Excuse me.
I'm off to south dakota.
I've got a rendezvous with history.
What do you think, kate ? Huh ? I think you look silly next to abe lincoln.
And i think valerie should have stayed with her family.
But hey -- It's her career.
Alf.
What do you want, now ? I finally figured out Why your political system is so complicated.
That's just the way your world works.
I guess things were simpler on melmac, huh ? Yeah, if we didn't understand something, we broke it.
Good night, kate.
Good night, alf.
Mom, have you seen -- Shh ! Sorry.
Uh, lynn ? Can you get me out of here ? Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
Where did it come from ? I've heard a number of theories on that.
How about the shortest one ? The stationery store.
Thank you.
That's a voter registration application.
Can't fool you.
You can't vote.
You're not a citizen.
I'll apply for a green card.
That's only for a job.
Pass ! ** Guess what we're doing tonight ? Stuffing ourselves, until we see blue dots ? No, we're watching the presidential debate on tv.
Not me.
You're voting in this election.
The issues are important.
Listen to your mother.
You don't.
She's not my mother.
I'm supposed to go to the mall with julie.
Lizard got a job at the weiner-On-A-Stick place.
They're gonna make fun of his hair net.
Stop listening in on my phone calls.
I didn't.
Alf did.
You owe brian an apology.
Now, stop trying to change the subject.
You should stay home and watch the debate.
Since when have you been interested in politics ? Are you kidding ? On melmac, i was a registered democat.
Democat ? We were a political party and a music group.
Hi.
Hi, dad.
Hi, dad.
Hi, honey.
Hi, dear.
Sorry i'm late.
I wish you had called.
I did call ! Oh, yeah.
Willie called and said he'd be late.
Thank you.
Alf, why don't you write down my messages ? They're hardly quotable.
Well, y'all have a pleasant evening.
Weiner-On-A-Stick.
Yeah, the grand opening.
How'd you know that ? That's where i ate.
You ate dinner ? Oh, yeah.
Don't hold dinner.
He'll eat at the mall.
Thank you, again.
Why did he stop by the mall ? He didn't say.
To buy shoes.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Hey, the debate's starting.
Good evening.
Tonight the candidates face the issues, and me.
I'm john mclaughlin.
On my right, gill hossenfeffer, senator from wyoming.
On my left, nathan peal, congressman from oregon.
I can see hossenfeffer's pale white shins.
I never realized how unappealing The human leg can be.
You're in the oval office.
The red phone rings.
Soviet missiles are heading for the white house.
Do you push the button ? [ Alf .]
can i vote for the guy in the middle ? In answer to your question -- As joe biden once said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
" By arming ourselves against the impossible, We are preventing the unthinkable From becoming the inevitable.
Double-Talk.
Preventing war is easy.
Just tell the people who are mad at each other, To kiss and make up.
International politics is very complex.
The soviets want peace and so do we.
But we're separated by History, ideology, economic philosophy You sound just like those windbags.
No, i don't.
The soviets want peace and so do we, But we're separated by history, Ideology, economic philosophy -- Wow ! Kate, maybe you should become president.
Are you decent ? Would it matter ? Not to me.
Where's kate ? Oh, there you are.
With that light behind you, I could see your silhouette.
You look Alf ! What ? I was gonna say you look like an angel.
Thank you.
A naked angel.
What do you want ? I keep thinking about the debate.
I noticed those politicians never give simple answers.
That's because the issues are so complicated.
I think the voters would like answers they could understand.
Like your answer to unemployment -- Hire the jobless to give you piggy-Back rides.
If i can restore a man's dignity by climbing on his back, I say go for it.
You can't understand our democratic process Because you're not looking at the big picture.
The big picture over the piano ? No.
By big picture, i mean -- Because i can look at that, if i stand on the piano.
"Big picture" means -- It's all right.
If alf wants to look at the big picture over the piano, Let him.
I am going to bed.
Thank you, kate.
Just don't get any fur between the keys.
All right, but don't lock your door.
I may have some more political questions for you.
He took the key.
At least mr.
Ed stayed in the barn at night.
Ms.
Tanner, our environment is becoming endangered, Much like the liberal.
What would you do about it ? Well, my environmental plan Includes tax incentives to the industrial sector To encourage factory modernization, as well as -- [ Alf .]
aw, lunch meat ! Alf ! Candidate alf.
Your solution to pollution ? [ Rapping .]
my solution to pollution will help your constitution.
So send a contribution, and start the revolution.
Uh huh, uh huh.
Could we please get serious ? Quiet ! Rap master alf is on a roll.
Thanks, man.
Weiner-On-A-Stick ? My pleasure.
Your answer ? To get rid of pollution, Tie big balloons on all the smokestacks To catch the dirty air.
[ Applause .]
Wait a minute.
And when the balloons were full ? I'd rub them on a big sweater, And stick them to the ceiling of the white house.
Finally, a candidate as intelligent as myself.
How can you say that ? His solution is impractical and ludicrous.
Sour grapes, ms.
Tanner.
You lose.
I'm voting for the alfer.
[ Audience chants .]
alf, alf, alf Alf.
That's my name.
Ask me again, and i'll tell you the same.
Alf ? That's my name.
Ask me again, and i'll tell you the same.
What are you doing in here ? I got tired of looking at the big picture.
Hey look ! Willie's shins glow in the dark.
Was there something you wanted ? Meat.
Meat ? And cheese Between numerous slices of bread.
Go.
Eat meat.
First, i want to know something.
Why didn't that moderator ask the important questions ? Like what ? Like -- Will you be a good president or a bad president ? What kind of question is that ? If he says "a bad president," i won't vote for him.
You're right.
Your questions make a lot of sense.
You should have been the moderator.
Now, good night.
Good night.
If you need me, i'll be at the refrigerator.
We won't need you.
I'll still be at the refrigerator.
Excellent answer, senator hossenfeffer.
No wonder you're so far ahead in the polls.
Thanks.
I'll see you at the inaugural ball.
Now, representing the wrong point of view, Your opponent, Welcome, ms.
Tanner.
If that is your real name.
It is.
Katherine daphne halligan tanner.
Question 1, where'd you get a name Like daphne ? Could we please talk about the issues ? All right.
Question 2 -- Unemployment -- If you're elected, will my brother find a job ? I think he stands a very good chance.
Ha, ha, ha.
Shows what you know, daphne.
I don't even have a brother.
How often do you make promises you can't keep ? Never ! But you just did.
You're a liar.
Liar, liar, pants on fire ! Would you vote for a liar ? [ Audience .]
no ! You may step down.
I'm not on trial.
Keep lying, and you will be.
I'm not lying.
I'm not lying ! [ Click .]
[ No sound .]
[ No sound .]
I'm not lying ! I'm not lying ! You're certainly not standing up.
What are you doing ? Trying on cheap jewelry.
And you ? Having a nightmare.
Was it the one i have about being at work, And realizing i'm not wearing any pants ? Then remembering -- I don't work and i never wear pants.
No, i was in a presidential debate.
You were the moderator.
You were asking stupid questions.
Was i wearing pants ? Stupid questions like that.
Kate ? Alf ? Go back to sleep, willie.
This doesn't concern you.
Okay.
I have another stupid question, kate.
Why do all those candidates look alike ? That's not a stupid question.
Sorry.
That's okay.
One reason that all the candidates look alike Is that they have image consultants; People who advise the -- Why am i telling you this ? I thought you were trying to lull me to sleep.
Get out of here.
You're pretty cranky at 3:14 am.
I hope you're more sociable at 5:28.
Hi.
What did you think of my debate ? You were great, honey.
Yeah, mom, you were terrific.
Neat.
Really ? Hey, tell her the truth.
I saw it.
You stunk.
P.
U.
Odor city.
You shouldn't be president.
You should be foreman at the skunk works.
Thank you for your constructive criticism.
We still love you, mom.
Love, shmuv.
You need help.
My card.
"Gordon shumway.
Image consultant.
" The ink is still wet.
First, we need to lose We'll pin it up later.
Now the name kate tanner It doesn't say "power.
" It says "wipe your feet, i just mopped.
" All right what name would you suggest ? Let's see whoopi tanner.
No.
Indira tanner.
No, i got it.
Mary tyler tanner.
No, no.
I've got a better one.
Come with me.
Come on.
Now representing the new and improved party, Ms.
Sigourney tanner.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
That's more like it.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Oh.
Not you again.
Would you be happier if i were a burglar ? At this point, yes.
Okay, give me your purse.
Why are you wearing willie's robe ? I decided that i want to be president.
Do you like this look for my fireside chats ? I'll be in the kitchen making bumper stickers.
Eeney, Meeney, Miney Gabon.
Yes, mr.
President ? Send a memo to gabon.
Ask if they need foreign aid, Or if they want sally struthers to adopt some kids.
Right away, sir.
And there's a kate tanner to see you.
That's my kate.
Send her in.
Kate, long time no see.
Hello, mr.
President.
What do you think of the office ? It's oval.
Popcorn ? I popped it over the eternal flame.
Why did you call me here ? Because i want you in my cabinet.
Right between the ben gay and the dental floss.
Ha ha ha ! Just kidding.
You haven't lost your boyish sense of humor, mr.
President.
Why else would i appoint judge reinhold To the supreme court ? The president has a lot of serious problems [ Burp .]
To deal with.
For example -- What do you plan to do about the homeless ? It's done.
What ? I had houses built for each of them.
And what about unemployment ? There is none.
Everybody's building houses.
I suppose people aren't fighting wars anymore ? Who's got time to fight ? They're all picking out wallpaper for new homes.
I don't think the country's problems can be solved that easily.
Sure they can.
Look outside.
[ Burp .]
Everybody's dancing in the street.
There was lots of room after we swept up the dead stock brokers.
Looks like the old alfer came through, huh ? I must say, i'm impressed.
You've solved 200 years of problems in one week.
Actually, i took the weekend off.
I went to camp david.
See this neat wallet i made ? Very nice.
[ Buzz .]
Sir, the ayatollah returned your call.
He's sorry about mining the gulf, And he'd love to be the white house santa this year.
Thanks, fawn.
Well, i guess you are a good president.
[ Ring .]
Don't worry, it's the black phone.
President here.
Really ? Yeah, no problem ! Thank you ! Excuse me.
I'm off to south dakota.
I've got a rendezvous with history.
What do you think, kate ? Huh ? I think you look silly next to abe lincoln.
And i think valerie should have stayed with her family.
But hey -- It's her career.
Alf.
What do you want, now ? I finally figured out Why your political system is so complicated.
That's just the way your world works.
I guess things were simpler on melmac, huh ? Yeah, if we didn't understand something, we broke it.
Good night, kate.
Good night, alf.
Mom, have you seen -- Shh ! Sorry.
Uh, lynn ? Can you get me out of here ? Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.