American Dad s02e11 Episode Script

Attention, everyone.
I have incredible news.
- The war in Iraq is over? - Better.
We are getting a Ping-Pong table! Alma, Alma, wake the kids.
It's finally happened.
In order to have easy access to the water fountain, we'll be setting up our green mistress right - here.
- But My desk is right here.
Not to worry.
I know just where to put you.
Your cover's been blown?! Where are you? I'm sorry, could you repeat that? You're in What-a-stan? Worst day.
Stupid boss.
Robbery! Dad, stop! That's Paco, Greg and Terry dog-walker.
Sorry honey ,I can't hear you over the street justice.
Their dog must have gotten off leash and he was chasing after him.
Thank you Hayley.
Ooh, I must hurry.
If I'm late, Misters Greg and Terry give me so many pinches.
Whoa, whoa, not so fast, padre.
I still need to see some I.
D.
Dad, he doesn't have any.
- He is an unregistered visitor.
- You mean an illegal alien What happen to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here.
People!? They're parasite sucking on the rich blood of America And we need that blood to shed for oil.
Your thing looks more interesting.
Out of my way; I have band practice.
- Ooh, do you think.
.
? - No.
- But I could - No.
Ooh, he shut you down.
What are you gonna do, cry? No, I'm gonna walk out of here, 'cause I have legs.
Did you know Greg and Terry have an illegal alien walking their dog? Isn't it terrible? I'd be way too incomfortable having some poor immigrant working for me like that.
Oh, are you done? I was hoping you'd talk more about yourself.
Well, aren't you a grump-asauras? I'm a grump-asauras rex! Bullock made me move my desk to the bathroom.
I'm so sick and tired of that job.
I want to be my own boss.
I want to make so much money that I can tell people they can kiss my firm white ass.
That's the American dream.
Today made me realize.
it's time for me to follow my true destiny.
Oh, no, not this again.
Yes, Francine, "this again.
" My holiday Cele-bear-tions! A different handmade bear for every holiday.
Look at him.
How cute is he? Go on, tell him you don't love him.
He's cute, but I still have a problem with the name: Cele-bear-tion? It sounds like a cross between "celibate" and "abortion.
" I told you, Francine, I heard your note, I considered it, and I don't agree.
And you've never once gotten them in stores in time for a holiday.
Ho-ho-ho, merry Crap! Happy Valentine's Crap! Maybe I would have made a holiday if you'd help me with the sewing, but no, you have a phobia of needles.
- Hey, you have a phobia of seagulls.
- A seagull?! Where! Don't let it touch me with its feet! There's no seagull.
Oh Anyway, this time I'm going to do it.
My bears will be on shelves by May 14th in time for Mother's Day, so help me God.
I did it.
I finished the Mother's Day bears.
- It's June.
- Crap! Maybe now you'll give this bear thing up.
Never! Father's Day is the next big holiday.
I just need to hire some help.
Stan, you're sinking an awful lot of money into this.
It's the American dream, Francine.
Looks like we'll have to dip into the fund.
- Which one? - The PDF.
No! Have a little faith if you've got the time I will share the place.
Yeah, it'll be all right Look up at the sun, living on the run Hello? That's awesome! Thanks! Good news, guys.
We've just been asked to perform at this year's Langley Falls Fourth of July Festival.
Steve and The Asstones are on our way! Gerry, what are you doing? Nothing, man.
We told you no drugs.
And I told you if I was responsible, I wouldn't be in a band with a bunch of 14-year-olds.
Two hours, seven minutes, not bad.
And your résumé looks good.
Six months as a receipt-checker at Best Buy.
That was a super hard job.
I'm sure, I'm sure.
You're hired.
I'll pay you $4.
50 an hour and all the Mr.
Pibb you can drink.
No, that's not how it works, man.
Minimum wage is $7.
00 an hour.
I'll also need health insurance, two-weeks-paid vacation, sick days, pension fund.
They gave you all that at Best Buy? I can't afford to do that.
Hello, Father.
You remember Paco.
What the hell is going on? We're dating now, because Paco is a person, not a parasite sucking on the blood of America.
Mas lengua.
Mas lengua.
That means "more tongue.
" No daughter of mine is dating an illegal alien.
You're dead to me.
Wow! "Paco" must be Mexican for "lightning hands.
" How'd you like to come work for me? I'll pay you $2.
00 an hour and all the Mr.
Pibb you can drink maximum two a day.
At Best Buy, we had a slushie machine.
Why don't you just marry Best Buy if you love it so much?! Great job, Paco.
I might just make a holiday yet.
Then I'll have kiss-my-ass money.
- This is outrageous! - Kiss my ass Hayley! It's already working.
Dude, that rocked! Who are you?! I'm Krispy Kreme McDonalds.
My Krispy Kreme mama got raped by my McDonalds daddy.
What are you doing? I don't have any bones in my arms, which makes me a natural on the drums.
Plus, I love music, Steve.
I can't live without my jams.
I got to rock it, got to rock it! Got to do it! If you don't know, now you know.
Forget it.
I think we should go with our first choice, Toshi's sister Akiko.
Whoo! I'm thirsty from rocking it so hard.
Who wants a Smirnoff Ice and some bootleg Ukrainian porn? All in favor of making Krispy Kreme McDonalds our new drummer? Mr.
Smith, we've sold out of your adorable bears.
Yes! I knew it! You're over, Paddington! So take your little rain slicker and your little boots and go die in alley! Do you have any more bears? Unfortunately, no, but I do have this-- Paco! A prototype for my next holiy Cele-bear-tion.
I love him! I'll take a thousand.
And another thousand to sell in my store! It's happening! I'm finally making my dream come true! We're gonna need help to fill an order that big.
- Do you have any relatives? - No, I'm an only child.
I'm kidding! I'm Mexican! Ah, the sweet sound of illegals working for pennies on the dollar.
Stan, could you help me bring the groceries in? Sure.
Paco! Tell number 14 and number eight to go upstairs and help my wife.
Oh, no, Stan, that's not their job.
No, it's your job, but they're gonna help you.
Oh, Stan, I almost forgot.
- Patty LaBelle's here to see you.
- What? At first I thought it was Aretha Franklin, but then she said she wasn't.
Ms.
LaBelle, Stan Smith.
I love R&B music.
I consider the whole genre one long song.
Darling, I'm here because I'm a big fan of your bears.
A friend showed me one, and honey, Miss Patty just loved 'em.
I would like to sell them on my shopping network show.
Will you be able to hold us both up if I add my legs to this hug? Unload those in the kitchen.
Perishables in the fridge, dry goods in the pantry.
Ms.
LaBelle, are you thirsty? Esperanza, get Patti LaBelle a Calistoga! And if we could walk away Going down Sunset Boulevard.
Hack Hacky.
- Hack and The Hacktones.
- Oh, yeah? Well, let's hear one of your songs.
La-la-la La La You got nothing.
This is my band, so we're gonna do what I want.
If you don't' like it, we've got Akiko waiting in the wings.
Whoo, Stan, isn't he just adorable?! - That he is, Patti.
- Stan? Did you know that in some countries the bear is considered a demigod? No, I didn't, Patti.
Did you know that in the gay community a hairy man is also known as a "bear.
" Uh No.
Well, Stan, it looks like we have a special guest with us in the studio today.
Ooh, it's Oscar.
He's a huge fan of your bears.
In fact, maybe the love of one of your bears will heal him.
Ooh, praise Jesus! The bear gave him the confidence to try and fail.
Did he fail because our viewers didn't buy enough bears? Yes, he says yes.
I still can't believe it, over 100,000 orders.
Our dream is finally coming true.
Why are they throwing tortilla chips in front of you? Because it makes me feel like a princess.
What's this? You were supposed to be working all night.
Where's Paco? Get up! What's going on? Sorry, Señor Smith.
- I was out late with Hayley.
- You have a big future here, Paco.
In ten years, you could be making five bucks an hour and be up to seven Pibbs a day.
Siete Señor Pibbs por dia?! - Siete Senor Pibbs?! - Por dia?! Sí, sí, por dia! What are you doing? Rehearsal doesn't start for three hours.
Steve, good, you're here; I meant to call you.
How do I put this? You're out of the band.
What?! We decided to go in a different direction and voted you out.
We're now Krispy Kreme McDonalds' Jamtastic Roller Boogie Prawn Experience.
But we're supposed to play the July Fourth festival.
Yeah, the Prawn Experience also booked that gig.
See? We go on right before you and your nonexistent Asstones.
Yeah, well, what kind of music do you play? We cover public domain songs-- "Camp Town Races," "Baa, Baa, Black Sheep.
" We got over a hundred hits already.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to tell you about a little place I know Little place called London Bridge.
It's falling down! Hayley, I'm here because of your father.
He said I was spending too much time with you and not focusing enough on my career.
So, I must break up with you.
What?! No! I let you give me a mole frijole.
That's the most intimate thing a white woman can give a Mexican man.
I have to get back to work.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, you will be sorry.
Mom, Roger stole my band.
Oh, that's awful.
You must need a hug.
Consuela! Eres un buen niño.
Todo esta bien, mijo.
Stan Smith.
Agent Hopkins, INS.
We received a report that you're harboring illegal aliens.
So, INS, huh? I'm a CIA man myself.
I suppose that kind of makes us brothers.
My brother died in a car crash when I was 11.
Cars.
Well, no sign of any illegals.
That anonymous tip we got was clearly bogus.
Really? Why don't you check the basement, officers? There s a whole sweatshop down there.
Where'd they all go?! I don't know what you did, but I am not going to let you Sorry again for wasting your time.
Please, don't give it another Oh, you don't have to pick that up.
Inez will I mean, Maria No, no, Elizabeth! Ms.
Elizabeth Protestant-England will get it.
She is our white legal maid.
Right.
Right.
I'll be seeing you around, Agent Smith.
He's onto us.
They'll be back.
What are we going to do? I have to get those bears shipped out by tomorrow.
They're going to have to work all night to finish them.
Well, they can't work here.
The fuzz is crawling all over this joint.
There's an old CIA warehouse downtown.
I can move the workers there.
I can sneak them out later tonight.
Just be careful, Stan, and keep moving.
If you stop for more than five minutes, they'll have a barbecue.
Thanks for helping me sneak the Mexicans out, Steve.
The INS has been watching this place all day.
Well, I didn't have anything else to do.
My band was supposed to perform in the festival tonight.
I really just don't want to be alone.
Steve, you see that button right there? That rolls up the window.
Push it, so we don't have to do this anymore.
All right, we're in the clear.
Something wrong with your car, Agent Smith? Yes, we couldn't get it started.
Carl Fix Agent Smith's car so that it will start.
Who are the Mexicans, Stan? Oh.
Oh, uh, they're uh they're-they're in my son's band.
They're playing the festival this evening.
May I see their papers? Okay, you got me.
These people aren't legal.
Let me just have them for tonight so my son can play with his band.
Fine.
They can sing in the festival.
But only because that is what I want.
Now, if you will all get into your van, we will escort you there.
No, no escort will be necessary.
Necessary? A pleasure.
I'll enjoy some music and take them in after their performance.
Afterwards, I'll probably just finish up paperwork at the office and answer e-mails.
- Jimmy crack! - Crack! - Jim crack corn! Jimmy crack! - Crack! - Jim crack corn! Jimmy crack! - Crack! - Jim crack corn! Jimmy crack! - Crack! - Jim crack corn! Jimmy crack! Stan, what are you doing? You're supposed to be at the warehouse.
The INS was waiting for us, so I lied and said the Mexicans were in Steve's band.
And now I don't know how we're going to get out of here Wait, what are you doing here? I don't know, I usually just do what you do.
And I don't care! Yeah! See, Steve, what just happened was I saw a million faces and I rocked them all.
Follow that, bitch.
Next up: Steve and the Asstones! Here's what we do: after they finish singing, we sneak the Mexicans out and drive like hell to the warehouse.
We lock ourselves in until they finish the bears, then we turn them over to the INS.
Yes, uh-huh, I'm with you.
They get deported, and we buy our way out of trouble, because we'll be rich.
Plus, we're white.
And I'm blonde, the best kind of white.
Uh, you guys know any english song? There is one song we know.
Hello, Father.
Wondering how I escaped from the basement? - No, not really.
- Oh.
But it involved training rats.
Hello, everyone.
We got a real treat for you tonight.
Paco and his family here used to sing this song back back in Mexico while dreaming of coming to America.
Almost heaven West Virginia Blue Ridge mountains Shenandoah River Country roads, take me home To the place I belong West Virginia Mountain mama Take me home Country roads My God, listen to them sing about America.
They aren't parasites, they're people.
Paco and his family feel lucky just to be in this country.
All we do is take it for granted, and they're willing to work in my basement for soda soda that I watered down.
It's not about having kiss-my-ass money, it's about being here in the greatest country in the world.
That's the American dream, Francine.
Okay.
But can I just have one to help me with the laundry? There's just so much laundry, Stan.
I'm a hypocrite, too, Dad.
I used Paco to get at you, then try to throw him away by calling INS.
You heartless bitch I'm kidding.
We can't let INS take them.
We need to cause a distraction so we can sneak them out.
Are you sure? - You'd be giving up your dream.
- I'm sure.
Country roads, take me home To the place I belong West Virginia.
- Mountain mama - Mamacita Take me home Country roads.
We're Steve and the Ass-Tonos! Who wants a free holiday bear? There it is, Paco.
Sweet freedom.
Look, Ma, Mexicans.
Like the fast mouse in them Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I like beans and such.