Archer s02e11 Episode Script

They're wheel-to-wheel coming out of the last chicane, the Frenchman DeVoe making a run at Bivens for second, but they won't be able to catch Bell as he takes the flag and Oh! It's a great start to the qualifying heats here at the Monaco Grand Prix! - I beg your pardon? - Your room, madame, is no longer.
- But I had a reservation! - Oui madame, mais c'est le Grand Prix.
I don't care if it's a Wehrmacht reunion party! - This isn't my first Grand Prix you know.
- Excusez mon amie, elle est fatiguée.
- Et mal élevée.
- Sans doute, mais vous avez - une réservation pour moi, non? Lana Kane ? - Non.
- See? - What? Et pourquoi "non" ? - C'est le Grand Prix.
- And so where are we supposed to sleep? - Voilà.
- No.
I am not sharing a room with you.
No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel.
- No view, but it's got two big queens.
- Where's the other one, - greasing up in the bathroom? - Malory! - You know what? - Guys, hey.
Ray, this is fine, - two of us will just have to double up.
- Exactly, two of you.
- What? Excus - I am not sharing a bed.
It's bad enough Lachouffe made us schlep all the way to Monaco for whatever's on that damn disk.
Which had better be worth this splitting headache.
- Yeah, help yourself.
- Well, it sure better be worth four - million bucks, which is where? - Oh, Sterling has it.
- What? - You turned Archer loose in a casino - with four million dollars? - Oh, don't worry.
He may be a vain, selfish, lying, and quite possibly alcoholic man-whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.
Guess he's too busy doing all that other awesome stuff.
Thanks, Mother.
Oh shut Why isn't there a metal briefcase full of bearer bonds - handcuffed to your drinking arm? - Uh, pretty sure you just answered - your own question - Sterling, if you left that briefcase in some cathouse, I swear to God Relax! The money's totally safe, on deposit with the casino.
- Wh - That way they comp everything.
I call it the Sterling Archer Triple-A Power Play, and yes, - the A stands for awesome.
- Did you get a receipt? Of course, obviously! I did that.
- Now if you will excusez moi - Ah, Monsieur Archair ! If you will please to follow me to le suite royale, where I took a liberté to ave a woman waiting in your jacuzzi? - Yes I will! Good work there, uh - Benoit.
Sorry.
So-sorry.
I was laughing at your name.
I mean because you know what it sounds like, right? - Oui, monsieur - Sounds like ben-wa balls, Benoit.
Balls.
See? I can't even say it without saying balls.
- Say your name.
- Benoit.
- Balls.
See? Physically impossible.
- Does monsieur require anything else? Yes I do! Benoit, balls.
Monsieur desires more champagne, steak frites, a post-jacuzzi female companion, and for somebody to get up here and fold his towels into swans.
Or actually not these towels, some thicker ones.
As thick as possible - while still being swan-shape-foldable.
- Bien sûr.
And when will monsieur desire to try his luck at the tables? Wow, what's French for "broken record?" Pardon, monsieur, but as I said, the Suite Royale is reserved for - Sterling Malory Archer! - And there goes my erection.
- Hi Mother.
- We're switching rooms.
I want my luggage up here in three minutes.
Impossible, madame.
My bellopps ave been taken prisoner by the Wehrmacht.
Now you just listen to me, bub! Madame! The only way you will ave zis suite is over my lifeless corpse! Pairaps zat will teach you to insult ze proud nation of Monaco! Now if you will excuse moi, I must go find fresh towels and a whore.
Hey Benoit, Not too thick on either, O.
K.
- Happy? - Yeah, except for my gun's all soapy.
- Pretty dumb taking a bath with it - Sterling I'm warning you, if one red cent of that money is missing when we make the exchange with Lachouffe - It won't be! Everything's comped! - Because they expect you to gamble! Which I'm not going to do, duh! - Mother, I've done this tons of times.
- Wh With ISIS money? No.
But four million seems pretty steep for - What's on that disk, anyway? - None of your beeswax.
And the price is irrelevant, because you're going to stealea it back after the exchange.
- Oh.
- Duh.
And you have to steal it back because I, um, slightly borrowed it.
Umm, slightly from where? What in the world Oh no, oh no no no no no Paaaaaaaaaaaaam! Also irrelevant.
Because you're not going to screw this up, are you? Aaahhhhhhh no.
No I am not Mother.
- You better not.
- Oh my God, oh man, that was fun.
Thank you.
Seriously, not many women could bring me to orgasm in front of my mother.
I wouldn't think.
Four million dollars, gone! Every single account has been wiped out! - All except Ms.
Archer's! - And how does she have two-point-three million damn dollars in her 401K? - that a lot? - Maybe not to you, Glenda Gotrocks Stop calling me that! - Stop being a frickin jillionaire! - Make me! Zip it, you two! Now, we've obviously been the victims of identity thieves - Which is funny why? - You think it's just a coincidence Mr.
Archer took four million dollars to Monte Carlo? - Huh? What? Where? - In bearer bonds, whatever those are.
- Shitsnackin crackers! - That thieving bastard! He, he's gambling away our retirement money! What? Lady Luck, monsieur, she awaits your passionate embrace! I'm kinda passionate-embraced out right now, after the tub-snorkeling.
In the jacuzzi of your free suite, in which monsieur desires to remain? Uh, yes, yes he does.
Bon! Zen I wish you bonne chance! I can't, I don't have any chips, thanks Radar.
Umm, okay Monsieur ? Le minimum, c'est deux.
The minimum is two? Okay, here - Bonne chance! - Thanks Benoit, balls, - I don't actually - Banque! What happened? What is bonk, does that mean I Lose? Hang on, that was Wait, how much are these chips worth? Twenty-five grand! A piece! - Bonne chance! - Hey, hang on! Benoit! Balls! So I uh, need to get that money back.
Shit.
Or whatever, merde.
- Le grande! - Okay what's that mean, do I win? Really? Just like that, fifty grand? Okay, let's do that again! Huit Cinq Zéro.
Oh my God, this is like taking candy from a candy-hating baby! Speaking of candy, I'm gonna be here a while, gorgeous, so bring me a fifth of Glengoolie Black and a bag of gummi bears.
You want anything? Gummi bears all around.
I'll eat hers if she doesn't, um have teeth.
Okay! Lets play some god damn cards! Yes! No! No no no no no! God damn it woman, wipe that grin off your pie-face! He's killing me! - I'm gonna kill you! - No! Ray, stop it, I can feel a hot streak coming on, - just gimme a - Here, take this? No thanks, I'm not thirs Ow! - How much.
- Uh, well it's hard to say, really, maybe eight hundred thousand? - What? You lost eight hundred grand? - Oh.
No, remaining.
Pardon ? Merci.
Here, take these? Ray, I said I'm not thirs Tee! Ow! - Three-point-two - million dollars? - I've been really streaky, Ray! I was up for a while, then down, then up for a really long time, but then You've only been here twenty minutes! Wow, seemed way longer than that And I thought you didn't gamble! I don't! I mean not since I had a really bad experience one time Umm hit me? Busted! And now all the candy is Mother's Cause crybaby hit on seventeen again.
Like an idiot.
Why was I dressed as Hitler? Why do you do anything you do? Archer, when your mother finds out No! Ray, you can't tell her! Or Lana! They'll - think less of me.
- And I won't? - I don't care what you think.
- I'm telling your mother.
- Telling her what? - Your son Shhh, no.
Come on.
Is drunk.
Who're you, Carrie Nation? But my God, Sterling look at your clothes! Just how drunk are you? - Oh for the - We're meeting Lachouffe in two hours! I'll clean him up, try to get some coffee in him.
Make sure that's all you put in him! Im sorry, what? Keep it in your pants, sister.
Yeah, yuk it up Wow, all these years, I've never seen Archer like, drunk drunk.
- Have you? - Once.
Can't play cards, can't drink - I don't feel good.
- What the hell good are ya? - Oh God.
- Why was he dressed as Hitler? Anyhoo.
Ooh, I think I see a duke! - Ugh, what.
- Nice Glad you can still be snotty, while Archer's gambling away your - 401K! - My what? - Tell her I said hey! - Shut up, and ours too! Everybody's! Archer wasn't gambling, he was just drunk Lana, did you hear me? - Cet imbécile, il jouait ? - I thought you spoke French.
Jusqu'il a perdu trois millions.
- Oh.
Shit.
- Cyril tell her I said Idiot! Stupid stupid stupid idiot! I look, I said I was sorry! - No you didn't! - Well? Whatever, I have a plan to get the money back which doesn't include you taking my hotel toiletries! - You're not using 'em.
- Yes I am! Go look at your pores and then tell me your using 'em.
And then tell me your little genius plan.
- Rob the casino.
- Thanks for the lotion.
Ray, we can do this! C'mon, I've broken into way tougher places! I mean, not without my turtleneck, but still Do you even know where the bearer bonds are? Well no, not exactly, but What's it say on the receipt? - That you didn't get, did you? - No.
You know why they're called bearer bonds? - Because your gay.
- Because they're unregistered and untraceable, and the legal owner of a bearer bond is whatever asshole physically holds the piece of paper! Well then I dunno why you're so pissed off.
- Technically that money was mine.
- And mine! - Your money? - And yours! And dickbrain's here! And Cyril's! Pam's! Everybody's! Because your mother cleaned out - all the ISIS 401K accounts! - What? - I have a 401K? - Not anymore! I had almost two hundred grand in there, you okay, yeah, that's it.
Down! Ray, put it down or I swear Archer! I will put you down.
How am I the bad guy? Mother's the one who stole our retirement money! All I did was Foolishly lose it.
He does have a point.
Why would she pay four million bucks for unverified information? Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's - Or she thinks it's another sex tape.
- Hey! Actually that wouldn't surprise me.
Well whatever's on the disk, Lachouffe expects four million dollars in bearer bonds, and we only have one million Or eight hundred thousand.
For which there is no receipt.
Look, Lana, I feel bad enough as it is.
- You couldn't feel bad enough.
- Eh.
Shut up, so here's what we're gonna do.
First, we have to keep Malory occupied while we go meet Lachouffe She's in the bar, hitting on a duke I bet you get chilly at night, all alone in that great big castle But judging from the way Sir Duke was eye-banging the waiters, I don't think she's gonna have much luck.
So Ray, - that's where you come in - Ew! - Yeah, he's like a thousand.
- You're not gonna have sex with him Well wait, he is a duke No means no.
Because you'll be ngmaking the exchange with Lachouffe.
- But wait, he's expecting Mother.
- Yeah When Lachouffe realizes we don't have four million dollars in bearer bonds - Perfidie! Les tuer! - We'll take out his bodyguards.
Ça suffit! What the hell does she keep in here? Buckles? Then, having retrieved your mother's disgusting sex tape Alleged discusting.
Although probably disgusting.
We figure out a way to get our 401K money back.
Yeah hi, duh, we just steal the bearer bonds from the casino.
- If they're even in the casino! - Well where else would they be, Ray? Taxi! Taxi! Oh, shit.
C'est le Grand Prix Well you better hope they're in the vault.
Ray, hurry up.
Get changed.
Im goog.
It's the second qualifying round of the Monaco Grand Prix and oh, they're really burning up the streets of Monte Carlo! Oh, it's just grrreat! No, this is not at all great! Why not? They're already tied up, and we don't even have any rope, so Man, you can have these control-tops.
No wonder your mother's such a bitch.
Can you not rub your dick in my mother's pantyhose? Please? - Archer! - What, Lana? Look at him Why would somebody tie up the guards? Duh! So they could rob the Oh shit.
- Dis-moi maintenant.
Qui a volé le coffre-fort ? - Benoit ! - Balls.
- Quand ? Dix minutes.
Il a pris des papiers! - Où va-t-il ? - How the hell would he know? Oh, right.
Desolée.
Well he couldn't have gone far in ten minutes, - it's a zoo out there.
- There's a zoo here? - The Gran Prix! - They could have both! Lana ! Zoo ? Ici ? Go, dumbass! Because if we don't get my 401K back, you won't live long enough to regret you were ever born.
Doesn't even make sense Now is that bulletproof, or what? Yeah, y'all I didn't even feel that! - This shit's pretty tight, man.
- I can let it out, and I can let all this stuff go for forty-one thousand six-hundred eighty-eight dollars, and I'll even throw in the Chokebot.
Krieger, what the hell are you doing? I'm selling ISIS equipment until I get every damn cent of my 401K back! Oh So hey, how'd you guys like a color copier and about, say, eighty computers? - For your clubhouse.
- And some blowjobs.
I mean printers.
- Dammit, we're never gonna find Benoit! - Balls, and we might if you two would stop being bitches for five seconds! Case in point, Lana! That's Oh.
Hand over the bag, Benoit! - Balls! - Dammit, that's my - Au revoir, suckairs! - Benoooiiiit! Balls, no, the moment's ruined.
- We're ruined! - How're we supposed to catch him now? Wow, this might be hard to drive with such a huge, throbbing erection.
Wooo-hoooooo! Well Dennis, it's a strange tairn of events here at the Grand Prix! Because look here now, who could believe it? A woman driving in Formula One race! And a Négresse at that! No, you just don't see that everyday! Or that.
He's heading for the coast road! Hey thanks, Captain Obvious! - Dukes! - Is it obvious he has a gun? Well yeah, now - Ow do you like those pommes? - How do you like 'em? What the hell' are you doing? Shooting out his tires so he loses control and flies off the cliff! - With the bearer bonds? - Yes, Lana, with the Benoit! Balls! That was actually pretty ballsy And I never got my swan-shaped towels! I can't see, you fool! Get off! - I am getting off! I love this! - Archer! - Not now, Lana! - Yes! Now! Dammit Lana, I said not Oh shit! - Nice plan, Lana! - What Oh, rocket launcher.
Y'all! Y'all my car is slowing down for some unknown reason! for some unknown reason! Just must be out of carburator Archer, look out! Yeah, an attack helicopter and a rocket launcher, Lana, - I think I see it! - Not that! I see it, Lana! There's this new thing called situational awareness? Great! Tell that to Benoit! Balls.
- Meeeeerrrrrr - Meeeeeeeerrrrde! - Waagh! - Archer! The money! Where's the money? It's right here, Ray! And I'm fine, since you asked.
- Yeah, I didn't.
- Hey, ya know what? So, guess that's it for Lachouffe and Benoit Balls! Nailed it! And speaking of You are so lucky this worked out.
Well you know what they say, Lana, unlucky at cards, lucky at a whole shitload of all kinds of other stuff.
- Yeah, you're the best.
- Thank you.
Why are you drinking again? ! We're meeting Lachouffe - in ten minutes! - Already did.
You Oh! And I just assume I don't wanna know what's on that.
Don't worry, Nosey Parker, you won't.
But it's a lot more interesting than my afternoon.
You'd think that duke had never been with a woman before - Would vomit, too tired.
- Oh shut up.
And every dime of the four million better be in that bag.
- It is, and while we're on the subject - Thanks for stealing - our 401K money! - I first of all, if that's my Chanel suit I will have your guts for garters - You need some garters.
- And second of all, I didn't steal that money, I merely borrowed it.
Well just for the record? I think using our 401K's as your personal ATM machine was incredibly lame.
And just for the record I don't care.
That being said, we better hurry up and redeposit this.
No telling what those idiots might do if they find out their measly 401K's are missing Been a real pleasure doin business with y'all.
- Especially you, Pam.
- Holla! Uh-huh.
A'ight, peace out! So wait, they're gonna fence all that stuff and then pay us for it? - Damn it! - Way to go, stupid.
Me? Hey, I'm not the one who was handing out blowjobs like puffy stickers! Aw, shit! Plus I gave 'em all my stickers.