Better Off Ted (2009) s02e11 Episode Script

Hey, how'd your date go last night? It depends, if a guy bites his cuticles and then swallows them, does that make him a cannibal? Because then I had an exciting date with a cannibal and not a boring evening with a guy who has a disgusting habit.
Zing-bang! I'm getting an award.
Bang-zoom! I'm getting a muffin.
Every year the Veridian charitable foundation honors someone who's been outstanding, and this year, they've chosen me.
For what? - For being outstanding.
- For being outstanding at what? I'm getting an award.
You realize, as an honoree, you're gonna have to raise - a bunch of money for the foundation? - I know.
That's the part I'm dreading.
Linda, you do it for me.
Huh.
That wasn't so bad.
Before I agree to do something I have no choice in, do you even know which charity Veridian's giving the money to? I'm getting an award.
Teddy! Billy? What are you doing here? Hey.
I'm in town for a couple days.
I thought we could grab a bite.
Hey, are those fresh nuts? Booyah! Oh! Hello, ladies.
Don't be alarmed.
I'm Ted's big brother.
You okay, buddy? Huh? Oh, you gonna barf? It's okay if you do.
- No one will judge.
- Help me up.
Oh, right.
Right.
So you can viciously do to me what I so lovingly did to you? No.
I'm not gonna do anything.
I'm not a jackass like you.
This is where I work.
Oh.
- Right.
- Sack attack! Yeah! Yeah! - Excellent.
- I totally got you.
I totally got him.
Yes it was masterful, like watching a chess game.
Hey, Ted, I can't find Rose, and I've looked for her everywhere.
- I'm upside down! - Well, I know one thing for sure wherever she is, she's right side up.
No, I'm not.
Well, until we find her, we're gonna have to just use this spare Rose that we got growing out of your back.
- Oh, come here.
- What? That was fun.
I'm gonna go see if it made me any taller.
Hey, it's great having you around.
Yeah.
You know, Rose doesn't have a lot of family here.
Oh, relax.
I'm not setting you up.
So how long can you stay? I don't know, a couple of days.
I heard there might be a job out in Fresno, selling baby-proofing kits.
Apparently, they're having problems with babies breaking into homes out there.
What happened to selling boxes? And and could you please stop - holding mom in front of your crotch? - Well, I kind of had a falling-out with my boss 'cause I kept sleeping with his wife.
It's a real shame, too, 'cause I sold boxes - even better than I sold attack dogs or fatty scooters.
- Aw, man, you're a great salesman.
I was kinda hoping that job would stick.
Hey, what if I got you something at Veridian? Seriously? Man, I'd love that.
Plus, I'd get to hang here for a while.
Yeah, Rose and I would like that, too.
I love you, bro, but not like in a brotherly way.
No, it's all about the sex for me.
Don't pretend you don't want it.
You've been thinking about it all night, like I have.
- So I'm coming in for a kiss.
Don't try and fight it.
- Oh, you've definitely picked up my signals.
Why don't we just skip right to second base? Where's your mommy now, huh? Aw, too easy! Ted, the next morning, I asked Veronica if she thought it'd be possible to get Billy a job at Veridian.
- I'm getting an award.
- When I finally got Veronica's attention, she told me Veridian wasn't hiring, so I talked to Lou, - the owner of the company that sells us our lab supplies.
- I don't know, Ted.
I got an idiot brother of my own I'm not giving a job to.
- Billy's not an idiot.
He's a really good salesman.
- Actually, Ted, I'm a really good salesman.
I just figured out a way to sell Veridian 3,000 beakers I've been having trouble getting rid of.
So I got Billy can job selling lab supplies.
And you know that saying "you can never have too many beakers"? Well, it's not a saying, and now I know why.
Hey, Lonnie.
Great job on that presentation.
Have a beaker.
No, thank you.
- I didn't know Ted had a brother.
- I did.
I did all that research when I dressed up as Ted for Halloween last year.
Did you know - his great-grandfather was a cattle wrestler? - You mean rustler.
No, wrestler.
He used to go from town to town - fighting livestock for beer money.
- I had an aunt who fought a cow for beer money once.
- The cow never forgave her.
- Oh, they're very unforgiving.
- What are they doing? - Oh, it's just how they process information.
Anyway, fellas, so Billy is the new rep for the company that supplies our lab equipment.
Anything you need, you go through him.
- And this is the latest catalog.
- Oh, you dropped something, Theodore.
Pick it up, Theo-dorable.
- I'm not picking it up, Billy-has-a-little-Willy.
- Oh! - What are they doing? - That's just how they process emotion.
Run, dummy.
It's getting away.
All right, I'll see you at home later.
Don't be late.
I'm making lasagna.
All right.
Please don't hurt us.
We're not like you.
No, I'm not gonna hurt ya.
Okay, so, uh, what kind of stuff you guys need? Nothing currently.
We're pretty careful with our resources.
Although we once meant to buy 6 4-inch Petri dishes and instead bought 4 It was crazy how slightly bigger it was than we needed.
Ahh! Uh, okay.
You guys need to loosen up a little, so I am gonna take you to a very exclusive club.
We're gonna have a drink, talk about lab supplies.
Well, we can't leave work-in the middle of the day.
We're not Somali pirates.
You know, if you get little crazy once in a while, you stop being scared of living your life That's when things get interesting.
I have always harbored ambitions of being slightly more pirate-like.
And we did look pretty cool with those eye patches when we both had pink eye.
Okay, Ted's brother, we're in.
I did a little research on the charity - the Veridian foundation is giving the money to.
- Why? - Because I wanted to know where the money was going.
- Why? - Because I wanted to make sure it was a good cause.
- Why? Because I don't have a debilitating personality disorder that keeps me from caring about anything.
- First of all, it's not debilitating.
It's liberating - The money is going to a great charity that provides female mentors for underprivileged girls, preparing them for leadership positions.
- Ha! Your consciousness has been raised, lady.
- That sounds wonderful.
- Ugh.
I hate it when you mock me.
- I'm serious.
And when you mock me for pointing out - that you're mocking me.
- I'm not mocking you.
And when you mockingly insist you're not mocking me.
Seriously, this is actually a cause I can relate to.
A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, who was bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods, but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.
So you're saying you, or this terrifying, murderous fawn, could have used some guidance? Yes, we would have liked that.
You and I are gonna raise more money for this charity than it's ever raised before.
The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.
There's really no middle ground with you.
Either you don't care at all or you care 100-and-crazy%.
What else is there? Now saddle up, Linda, and say good-bye to common sense.
Final call.
Flight 25 now departing Wow.
I've heard about clubs like these at airports, but I always thought you had to be an admiral to get in.
Well, look around, boys.
Full bar, cheeses, nuts and it's all free.
Welcome to Shangri-La.
This place is amazing.
I never want to leave.
- We should go.
- We have to go.
Oh, my God.
There's a pilot.
That guy's a hero.
Fine.
We'll go over, give him one salute, then leave.
- If we're gone from work too long, we'll get in trouble.
- Ah, so what if you do? So someone gets mad at you.
Who cares? You know what I do when someone gets in my face? I tell 'em to deal with it.
"Deal with it.
" God, that'd be a cool thing to say to somebody sometime.
Why not today? Why not right now? - Hey, you, deal with it.
- Yeah, deal with it.
I'm getting me a damn cube of cheese! Can we take our pants off in here? Easy.
I have to justify to accounting buying so many beakers.
But I'm helping my brother get his life back on track, and now people will know how many milliliters of pencils they have.
Oh, excuse me.
And they make great coffee mugs.
Surprise.
I got you guys 600 beakers.
I was thinking you could use them for beakers.
What's that? - Just a bag full of something.
- A bag full of what? - Just a 62-year-old white male.
- We bought a cadaver from your brother, Ted.
- Deal with it.
- Yeah, deal with it.
For God sakes, why would you buy a cadaver? Well, we were being all boring and ordering stuff we needed when we decided to grow a pair and do something totally loco, - so we bought it.
- No, not "it.
" "It" implies one.
- Oh, man.
What did you guys do? - Thanks to Billy, one of these will arrive every month.
That's right, once a month they send us a new cadaver, - whether we're finished with the old one or not.
- And what are you geniuses gonna do when dead bodies start stacking up in here? We're gonna deal with it, Ted, - just like you're gonna deal with it.
- Yeah, everyone's dealing with things now, Ted.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I gotta go yell at Billy.
And I know you guys.
Don't name that corpse, because it's going back.
So who are we hitting up next? We're at Fleming in marketing.
We're gonna get 500 bucks from this mutt.
- Can I be the bad cop this time? - Linda, I've seen you smile when you cry and skip when you're upset.
I don't think that's a good fit.
Hey, Brett.
Can I get you anything? Are you comfortable? Of course he's comfortable comfortable being a sack of crap - who doesn't give a damn about girls who need mentors.
- Veronica and I are raising money for a very good cause.
- We left you that brochure, but you never got back to us.
- Shut up, Brett.
- I didn't say anything.
- Oh, that's rich.
We're gonna need $10,000 from you.
$10,000? That's that's that's crazy.
Crazy? What's crazy is Gina Morales not having an experienced businesswoman to help her write a letter to get into college.
That's what's crazy.
Whoa, Veronica, easy.
Gina's problems aren't entirely Brett's fault.
You need to cool off.
Fine.
I'll go get 200 milliliters of coffee.
I'm sorry.
It's just she loves those damn kids.
Look, you're a nice guy.
Let me try to talk Veronica into taking just 500 bucks.
- Oh, man.
Would you do that? - Yeah.
But if you tell anybody I did you a solid, I will tear off your head and tinkle in your skull! I'm just kidding.
But, yeah, I'm dangerous.
Billy, you here? Yes, and we have company.
I invited the lobsters for dinner.
But don't say anything.
I plan on killing and eating them.
We are celebrating.
- I racked up some great commissions at work today.
- Uh, yeah, a about that, Lem and Phil they don't need a year's supply of cadavers or even one.
Oh, wow.
I don't know if it's returnable.
Well, it's it's it's not like we used it or anything.
- I mean, it still has that new-dead-guy smell.
- Oh, yeah.
It's it's just that my boss was so impressed.
But, hey, if it's a problem for you, - I'll just tell him that he's gotta deal with it.
- Yeah.
Well, bosses love hearing that.
Daddy! Uncle Billy bought me a bunch of presents.
And best of all, he said he might live here for a while.
Oh! Now hold on.
That's only if the job works out.
Hey, listen.
Forget about returning that thing we were talking about.
I'll figure something out.
- Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want to reject your body.
You got enough of that from every girl in high school.
And, dad, watch this.
Hey, uncle silly.
Come here, you! Oh! I convinced Lonnie, the odd guy who works in the oddly cold computer room, to keep the cadaver for a while.
It might be a little creepy at first, but the cadaver will get used to him.
Hi.
So you must be from that charity that the Veridian foundation's working with.
Yes.
We're going to visit the honoree, Veronica Palmer.
Some of the girls are a little nervous.
They've never been in a big, corporate environment before.
Oh, don't be afraid.
Just don't go to the fourth floor.
That's where we keep the monster factory.
I'm just kidding.
But, seriously, stay clear of the fourth floor.
Ted, I was just coming to see you.
There's a new rule in the computer room.
They just came up with it today "No dead bodies in the computer room.
" can you believe it? You bought those leather pants you've always wanted.
My wife doesn't know I'm not at work.
Is there any rule we haven't broken? These pants make my legs feel so cool.
I can't believe my lower half's letting my upper half - hang out with it.
- Hey.
The people over at the beverage station - are pissed 'cause you guys drank all the pineapple juice.
- Deal with it! Deal with it! So let's order some ridiculously expensive lab equipment - we've never had the nerve to buy before.
- Uh, maybe we should just stick - with the stuff you guys need this time.
- If we stuck with the stuff we needed, - I never would have bought these fiercely uncomfortable pants.
- And I wouldn't have squeezed ten cubes of cheese into a ball and eaten it like an apple, which I should not have done, but I am dealing with it.
I just had a disturbing conversation with Mrs.
Boudreaux from the girls charity.
Apparently Ted threw a dead body at her.
- Oh, my God! - Well, that's not the disturbing part.
In fact, I find that part deeply funny.
What's disturbing is, the Veridian foundation keeps 95% of the money we raise - and only gives 5% to the girls charity.
- Really? That's horrible.
We need to talk to Mr.
Page, the head of the foundation.
It's time for this fawn to strap on a machine gun, - spread its wings and fly.
- Okay, what exactly do you think a fawn is? The purpose of the Veridian foundation, girls, is to let the world know of the good works Veridian does.
So you spent 95 cents of every dollar telling the world about the other 5 cents? If thousands of trees are clear-cut in the forest and nobody hears about it, did it really happen? Of course it did, sugar, and people always find out about it, so what we need to do is publicize the occasional good thing the company does - so that people are aware of how wonderful we appear to be.
- This isn't about some stupid trees.
These girls are living, growing things, and you're trying to hold them back.
Gina Morales! Hey, Mr.
Page.
- Can I get you anything? Are you comfortable? - We're not doing that.
You're gonna give everything we collected to that charity.
People suffered for that money.
We were awful.
You know what's funny? We raise money to help little girls enter the business world, and when they finally do, they still act like little girls.
I'll need the donations you've collected by tomorrow.
Now if you'll excuse me, girls No.
We're not done here.
This woman opened her heart, and that happens so rarely, you could hear the hinges squeak.
- I will not let you slam that Rusty heart door shut.
- Go, Linda.
Release your anger.
You will not crush this woman's spirit and love, you spineless, condescending bureaucrat.
Good, Linda.
Only your hatred can destroy him.
You, sir, are a bad egg.
Yes! Now strike! Wow.
Where did that come from? I am a good mentor.
Okay, I need you guys to lower the temperature in here.
- Watch this dude until I figure out what to do with him.
- And you need to put more money in our lab supplies account.
- What did you do? - We bought a small family of robots.
- And a large wind tunnel.
- We want to see how long it takes to drive robots crazy with wind.
Deal with it, deal with it! Okay, how's this what if I tell Veronica that you've burned through the company's money, she notifies H.
R.
, they open an investigation, and you guys lose your job? Does that count as "dealing with it"? My legs are completely numb.
Only the tightness of my pants is holding me up.
I think I feel that cheese apple making its way North.
Billy, call me.
It's about Lem and Phil.
And you shouldn't say "doody" so many times - in your outgoing message.
What if mom calls? - Ted, we need your help.
- Ted, we don't need your help.
- Guys, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
- My brother has pushed Phil and Lem off the rails.
- I went crazy in a meeting - and headbutted the president of the Veridian foundation.
- That wasn't crazy.
It was deeply funny.
- It was kind of cool.
His head made a "boop" sound.
- Boop.
After that, we were so pumped up and a little dizzy that instead of giving the foundation guy the money we collected, we drove down to the girls charity - and gave it all to them.
- It was incredibly satisfying.
Until we found out that collecting donations from people and then giving them to whoever you want is a class 2 felony.
Well, look, why don't you just go back to the foundation guy, tell him you got a little carried away and Oh, wait.
You booped him.
- Ding! - Wah wah! - Have you guys been drinking? - Little bit.
Please, Ted.
I can't go to jail.
You have to talk to that foundation weasel - and ask him very nicely to let us off the hook.
- Screw that.
Tell him we'll see him in court and then headbutt him.
- Headbutt him hard.
Crack that egg.
- Okay, I will go try and straighten this out.
While I'm gone, I want you two to think about what you'd rather have for Christmas a wind tunnel, a family of robots or a corpse.
Screw those girls, man.
Okay? You know what? They took my foundation money and they gave it to some stupid charity.
Plus, they headbutted me.
And then they poured themselves a nice little drink.
And then the one with the bun on her head oh, she stood over me while she posed for a picture doing this.
What the hell was that? You better get the money back from the charity or they're going to jail.
Oh, you a lot of nerve coming in here, - Some nerve.
Some nerve.
- He did not like being headbutted and then posed over.
Hey.
Hey, man.
I I got your message.
Are you pissed at me? Yes, Billy, I am pissed at you.
I told you that I had a problem with you selling Phil and Lem stuff they didn't need, - and you did it anyway.
- No.
I I held back, okay? The robot family normally comes with grandparents, - but they're sitting heartbroken back at the warehouse.
- So I'm supposed to thank you - for creating a huge mess instead of a gigantic one? - Well, just say it, Ted.
What's your problem? I have been cleaning up after you since we were kids, Billy.
You bring home a stray possum, I'm the one that has to walk it, which, by the way, is impossible because they play dead, - and you end up just having to drag it down the street.
- I was gonna train it to drive a golf cart - so that we could be on "that's incredible!" - Yeah, but you didn't.
So I'm the one that ended up with a weird pet that I have to take to college.
Billy, I am still cleaning up after you.
You can't keep a job.
- 3,000 beakers later, I got you one.
- Yeah, which I'm trying to be good at.
- Isn't that what you want? - You know what? I can't even talk to you right now.
Veronica and Linda are in real trouble with this jerk from the Veridian foundation, so now I gotta go clean up that mess.
And by the way, do you know how many times I didn't get laid in college because girls don't like getting hissed at by a jealous possum? Now I I know it's not customary for for charities to give money back to their donors, but if you like helping girls, I know two who would really be helped if you returned all the money they gave to you.
Do you know how crazy you sound right now, young man? Crazy or really on to something? Well, I just got told to go screw myself by a 60-year-old woman.
Brought me back to when I was 10 when I asked grandma why her house smelled funny.
- What are you doing here? - Teddy, you are gonna kiss us.
We got Veronica and Linda off the hook.
- What? - You said you were having a problem with that page guy from the foundation, so me and these two roughnecks - thought we'd help you out.
- We documented the whole thing.
First we got the corpse Who we named "Roger.
" I know you said not to name him, - but as you know, we haven't been listening to you lately.
- Then we put the corpse in the trunk of page's car.
- Oh, guys, no, no, no.
- Uh, Roger did not want to get in at first.
You know, he went all floppy, - like, "oh, no, don't put me in there.
" - Classic Roger.
Then we put a nail in page's tire and followed him after work.
Eventually, his tire went flat, and he pulled over to change it.
- Page went looking for his spare.
- That's when Roger leapt into action.
- Page opened the trunk, and hello, dead guy.
- Roger.
Then like a textbook douche, he did what douches do rather then complicate his life for a single minute, he dumped the body by the side of the road.
Then we followed him and showed him the pictures.
- He agreed it'd be better if they weren't posted on the Internet.
- And so he decided to look the other way with Veronica and Linda.
- Unbelievable.
- Just so you know, this was our last hurrah.
Lem and I are done being crazy.
When it starts out great all pilots and square cheese but ends up with you having to cut your friend out of skintight leather pants.
I will not miss those.
So? Well, what you did was reckless and wrong.
But it it worked.
So thanks.
Actually it felt pretty good to be the guy cleaning up the mess for a change.
So are we okay? Yeah, yeah, we're okay.
The Veridian foundation helping the world then telling people about it makes us feel so good.
The Veridian foundation Ow! I miss mugs.
So Billy gave up lab equipment.
He's moving to Fresno with the woman who cuts the cheese at the airport lounge.
We'll all be having fun with that.
And Veronica got the Pentagon to finance a study on how robots tolerate wind.
$3 million later, it turns out, they don't notice it.
I appreciate you sticking up for me with Mr.
Page.
You're tougher than thought, Linda.
You're like a fire-breathing, razor-back fawn.
Oh, my God.
This is a fawn.
Oh.
Then what was I thinking of? Oh, a monster.
That was it.
I always confuse those two.