Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s02e11 Episode Script
March 19, 2013 (1)
Excuse us.
We have a little problem.
My daughter And my son They want to have a baby.
And, well My son has a problem.
He doesn't have enough sperm count.
So, we need a donor.
We've got some containers in the car, and we'll pay you.
There's a bathroom right over here.
We have some magazines to get you in the mood in the car, too.
You don't need a magazine? So, we should go get the cup? - How 'bout this? - Okay.
You guys are gonna be right here? - Yes, we are.
- We'll be here.
Just give us a minute, and I'll be back.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
And if the two of you want to get in on this, really, you're welcome.
_ [Twisted Sister's "We're not gonna take it" plays.]
we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Nailed it.
we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore [Laughs.]
* we're not gonna take it * No! no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Ooh! Hi there.
I'm Betty White, and welcome to "Off Their Rockers.
" I'm a little nervous.
I've never done a video-dating profile before.
But here goes.
Well, that's a little about me.
Call me.
Excuse me.
I'm meeting a friend for lunch, and I thought there was a concession stand here.
Do you know of any restaurants around here? Um, restaurants.
Like, what kind? Do you know? I'm just asking to find a place to eat, and you're coming on to me.
Oh, you're picking up on me in the park.
Unbelievable.
Shame on you.
[Surf music plays.]
Woman on P.
A.
: Your attention please.
Southwest airlines to San Diego [Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Chatter.]
Man: [Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
[Laughs.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
I hate to bother you.
I was wondering, would you be willing to watch my wife just for one minute while I go to the bathroom? Yeah, sure.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Thanks.
What's your name? - My name is Jessica.
- Jessica, okay.
Jessica, this is Phyllis.
Okay? Okay, thank you so much.
Excuse me.
This is sort of embarrassing, but I wanted to ask you a question.
Yes, ma'am.
Have you ever had a been waxed? You know, you've gotten a wax like a bikini wax? No, ma'am.
Oh, God.
Well, I got this Brazilian bikini wax, but now I'm so sore, and I have a date.
You think I dare go on my date? He's awfully cute.
I'm afraid that I might do myself or him some harm.
What do you think? Uh I'd still go.
Just explain to him what happened.
You think so? You think he'd understand? It's all about understanding.
Yeah, you know, maybe I'll just put some salve on it and some ice or something.
Yes, ma'am.
And give it a whirl, 'cause he's so cute.
He's very much like you.
Yes, ma'am.
[Laughs.]
Bye.
Thank you.
Thank you for your advice.
- I so appreciate it.
- Yes, ma'am.
[Surf music plays.]
So, anyway, I'm out on the balcony, holding this tool by the ankles.
I tell him, "listen, buddy.
If you don't give me that part, I will drop you faster than a fat chick in a broken elevator.
" So, what happened? Seven seasons on "The Golden Girls.
" [Both laugh.]
[Rock music plays.]
[Horn blares.]
Excuse me.
[Horn blares.]
[Horn blares.]
Excuse me.
[Horn blares.]
we're not gonna take it anymore Oh, hi there.
It's so easy to get caught up using Facebook.
I can keep in touch with my friends.
I can play fun games.
And best of all, I can get poked all day long.
Oh, boy.
Looks like I have a long day of untagging photos ahead of me.
Lake Havasu was wild this year.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Today, we observe the feeding habits of the two young males of the species in their natural habitat the food court at the mall.
One has pounced on the pizza, while the other one has gone for the French fries and carbonated beverage.
It's fascinating.
Perhaps a closer look just to see what toppings he chose.
Oh, I think I've been compromised.
I think it's time to beat a hasty retreat, not making eye contact so as not to become their next meal.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
I have this thing, and it's not like a gift card.
Is there any chance that I could get, like, the price of a movie's worth of candy? You know what? I have premium popcorn from corn made from Iowa corn.
All right, can I use this for it? It's 50 bucks a bag.
That's crazy.
Under the table.
Under the table.
I'll give you a big discount, okay? I'll be right back.
_ What? [Both laugh.]
_ [Both laugh.]
Excuse me.
Do you know where Olvera Street is? Yeah, it's actually just up across the street.
Yeah, just like, if you go out the front door, it's, like, up on the corner.
Yeah.
It's like catty-corner to it.
Okay, so, I cross this street and go to my right.
Yeah, go to your right.
Go across the street.
It's almost like diagonal to here.
But it's just across the street.
Yeah, can I tell you one thing? Yeah.
When you talk to lady, look at her eyes, not her boobs.
_ [Up-tempo music plays.]
Can you help me update my Twitter status? I just can't see the keyboard.
Can you type it in for me? Just type it in.
What do you want to type? Okay, just type, "surgery good.
" "Surgery good.
" And then "they're gone.
" - "They're gone.
" - Yeah.
And one more sentence.
"I feel like a new woman.
" And then there's a little hash tag.
There's a little hash tag right there.
And then it says post-op.
It's amazing how many of my followers want to keep up with my sex change.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
So, why is Sandy posting "Happy Birthday" on your Facebook page? What's the big deal? What? Facebook.
Sandy Garvin posting on your Facebook page.
Yeah, so? So, so, she's your ex-girlfriend.
- Come on.
- I'm sorry.
Do you think it's wrong for him to post on his ex-girlfriend on Facebook? I think it's awful.
She was my girlfriend in high school.
That was over 60 years ago.
That's right.
_ Count them.
I think you're horrible.
It's not like I poked her or anything.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
Hi, excuse me.
Do you have a minute? Help an old lady for a second, would you? Oh, you're a dear.
Are you a writer? No.
I'm just trying to write this thing, and I changed genres.
I'm writing an erotic novel is the thing, and it's something I've never done before.
I'm very conservative, so I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone.
But I'm, like, blocked.
I'm looking for a wonderful word, beautiful word, sexy word for orgasm.
Everybody says "orgasm, orgasm.
" If you had to describe that moment, how would you describe that moment? Give me something that's Oh, I've got my notes everywhere.
- Okay.
- I'm speechless.
I don't know.
- I got to go.
- Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why? The sex is everywhere.
I mean, I'm old, but I remember it.
Buh-bye.
Thank you.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Here you go.
Here you go.
Jeff, he's at the top of the hill.
Hand it to him.
Come on, run.
We got to make time.
we're not gonna take it anymore Come on, gang.
We can come up with an idea for a viral video.
We just have to get our heads together.
What about something with a cat? - No.
- No.
What about planking? Is that still popular? No.
I guess we just have to go with the classic.
All: Hitting someone in the crotch.
Aw, why me? [Surf music plays.]
So, we're gonna get somebody.
Oh, honey, okay.
Sir, would you toss a coin for me? We're having a little discussion here, a disagreement.
Okay.
We need an impartial flipper.
Go ahead.
Flip it up.
Heads! Oh, I win.
Oh, fine.
I'll see if genie wants to do a three-way, but please don't complain to me when it starts to get weird.
Hey, the weirder, the better.
You know what I mean? Okay.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
You have 10 seconds.
- Huh? - You have 10 seconds.
For what? Hey, I tried to warn you.
[Surf music plays.]
- Hi.
How you doing, sir? - Man: Hey.
I got the organ.
Just leave the money in this envelope.
[Laughs.]
All right, you want to see what you getting, okay? This is a perfectly healthy kidney, man.
Perfectly healthy.
- What the [Bleep.]
.
- It's fresh.
They just harvested it.
All right, look.
Leave the money here.
I'll tell you what.
You look like a nice guy.
I'm gonna throw in the cooler.
I'll be back for the money.
[Surf music plays.]
- * somebody tell me what is happening * - _ somebody tell me what is it You took off early! You cheated! Woman: I never cheat! I'm just better! I'm winning! Hey! Ah, you're cheating again, Jo Marie! [Music continues.]
[Siren wails.]
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, that must be the fire department.
Come in! Miss White, I'm here to rescue you.
Oh, I'm okay.
Thank you for stopping by.
[Doorbell rings.]
Miss White, are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.
It's all good.
[Doorbell rings.]
Miss White, are you okay? Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I think something's on fire.
I think I found the problem, Miss White.
It's this smoke machine.
I thought I had turned that off.
[Coughs.]
[Rock music plays.]
I mean, like, the beer-battered fish sandwich sounds good Hey, this is Lou Cutell and Mike Yama at the Junkyard Cafe.
Yama: We're looking at this young couple here.
They seem to be out on a romantic evening.
[Laughs.]
I see some smiles.
Oh, ho, ho, this is gonna be glorious.
Cutell: She is really very excited.
I don't know.
Going out for a romantic evening in a T-shirt.
Well, I don't know, but I think he's gonna score tonight.
Let me tell you.
Someone's gonna get very lucky.
Well, look at his body language.
I think something's gonna happen.
Something special's gonna happen.
This is Lou Cutell And Michael Yama signing off in Simi Valley.
_ we're not gonna take it anymore Excuse me Could you do me a favor and take a video of me for me to send to my grandchildren? Sure, sure.
I really appreciate this.
If you could just stand right here.
It's all set.
You just push the button on the top.
I'm gonna stand back here.
[Camera beeps.]
Hi, Michael and Nicky.
It's granny.
I'm here in Hollywood.
I'm on Hollywood Boulevard.
I'm having a wonderful time on vacation.
I saw the Hollywood sign.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go to some of the amusement parks, and I'm really excited about being here.
I've been looking for some movie stars.
I haven't seen any yet.
This gentleman here is very handsome.
Maybe he's in a movie.
I'll have to ask him if he's in the movies.
But it's really exciting being here.
What? What? Him? No, that's okay.
They can just stand there.
That's okay.
So, I'm going to the amusement park tomorrow, and it's gonna be lots of fun.
And I know I'm gonna enjoy myself.
Sorry that you're not gonna be there with me.
Is this a problem for you? What? Really, it's okay.
- No, no, no, watch.
- I'll get somebody else.
- Watch this.
- That's okay.
[Surf music plays.]
Excuse me, sir.
Could you come here for a second? Could you make any suggestions for me for beer? Listen, you know, I don't really need beer.
Could you just block me for a second? let's go crazy _ let's go crazy Oh, God.
- * come on, let's go crazy * - I needed that.
_ Thanks so much.
let's go, let's go Thank you.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
Hey, you like hip-hop, right? Check out my rhyme.
Okay.
Here goes my rhyme.
You ready? - I'm ready.
- Come on.
Dig it.
[Rapping.]
Don't mess with me, fool because I'm no talker I roll so hard, I got rims on my walker and even though my knee is creakin' I take a pill, I can get my freak on Yeah.
I can stand tall and I can do my duty so if you're feelin' funky and you're lookin' fine bitch, take a number and get in line [laughs.]
All right, all right, all right, hey.
Mc Decaf Cappuccino.
crazy I used to be crazy Yama: How about some chips, everyone? Thank you.
Oh, hi, everyone.
My favorite night of the week game night.
Tonight, we're playing celebrity.
You know, the game where somebody gives you a clue, and then you guess who the star is? Who goes first? You and Michael.
All right.
Someone you worked with.
Narrow it down.
Someone you dated.
[Chuckles.]
Narrow it down.
Someone you dated last week.
We could be here all night.
Good night everybody.
We have a little problem.
My daughter And my son They want to have a baby.
And, well My son has a problem.
He doesn't have enough sperm count.
So, we need a donor.
We've got some containers in the car, and we'll pay you.
There's a bathroom right over here.
We have some magazines to get you in the mood in the car, too.
You don't need a magazine? So, we should go get the cup? - How 'bout this? - Okay.
You guys are gonna be right here? - Yes, we are.
- We'll be here.
Just give us a minute, and I'll be back.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
And if the two of you want to get in on this, really, you're welcome.
_ [Twisted Sister's "We're not gonna take it" plays.]
we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Nailed it.
we're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore [Laughs.]
* we're not gonna take it * No! no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Ooh! Hi there.
I'm Betty White, and welcome to "Off Their Rockers.
" I'm a little nervous.
I've never done a video-dating profile before.
But here goes.
Well, that's a little about me.
Call me.
Excuse me.
I'm meeting a friend for lunch, and I thought there was a concession stand here.
Do you know of any restaurants around here? Um, restaurants.
Like, what kind? Do you know? I'm just asking to find a place to eat, and you're coming on to me.
Oh, you're picking up on me in the park.
Unbelievable.
Shame on you.
[Surf music plays.]
Woman on P.
A.
: Your attention please.
Southwest airlines to San Diego [Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Chatter.]
Man: [Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
[Laughs.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
I hate to bother you.
I was wondering, would you be willing to watch my wife just for one minute while I go to the bathroom? Yeah, sure.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Thanks.
What's your name? - My name is Jessica.
- Jessica, okay.
Jessica, this is Phyllis.
Okay? Okay, thank you so much.
Excuse me.
This is sort of embarrassing, but I wanted to ask you a question.
Yes, ma'am.
Have you ever had a been waxed? You know, you've gotten a wax like a bikini wax? No, ma'am.
Oh, God.
Well, I got this Brazilian bikini wax, but now I'm so sore, and I have a date.
You think I dare go on my date? He's awfully cute.
I'm afraid that I might do myself or him some harm.
What do you think? Uh I'd still go.
Just explain to him what happened.
You think so? You think he'd understand? It's all about understanding.
Yeah, you know, maybe I'll just put some salve on it and some ice or something.
Yes, ma'am.
And give it a whirl, 'cause he's so cute.
He's very much like you.
Yes, ma'am.
[Laughs.]
Bye.
Thank you.
Thank you for your advice.
- I so appreciate it.
- Yes, ma'am.
[Surf music plays.]
So, anyway, I'm out on the balcony, holding this tool by the ankles.
I tell him, "listen, buddy.
If you don't give me that part, I will drop you faster than a fat chick in a broken elevator.
" So, what happened? Seven seasons on "The Golden Girls.
" [Both laugh.]
[Rock music plays.]
[Horn blares.]
Excuse me.
[Horn blares.]
[Horn blares.]
Excuse me.
[Horn blares.]
we're not gonna take it anymore Oh, hi there.
It's so easy to get caught up using Facebook.
I can keep in touch with my friends.
I can play fun games.
And best of all, I can get poked all day long.
Oh, boy.
Looks like I have a long day of untagging photos ahead of me.
Lake Havasu was wild this year.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Today, we observe the feeding habits of the two young males of the species in their natural habitat the food court at the mall.
One has pounced on the pizza, while the other one has gone for the French fries and carbonated beverage.
It's fascinating.
Perhaps a closer look just to see what toppings he chose.
Oh, I think I've been compromised.
I think it's time to beat a hasty retreat, not making eye contact so as not to become their next meal.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
I have this thing, and it's not like a gift card.
Is there any chance that I could get, like, the price of a movie's worth of candy? You know what? I have premium popcorn from corn made from Iowa corn.
All right, can I use this for it? It's 50 bucks a bag.
That's crazy.
Under the table.
Under the table.
I'll give you a big discount, okay? I'll be right back.
_ What? [Both laugh.]
_ [Both laugh.]
Excuse me.
Do you know where Olvera Street is? Yeah, it's actually just up across the street.
Yeah, just like, if you go out the front door, it's, like, up on the corner.
Yeah.
It's like catty-corner to it.
Okay, so, I cross this street and go to my right.
Yeah, go to your right.
Go across the street.
It's almost like diagonal to here.
But it's just across the street.
Yeah, can I tell you one thing? Yeah.
When you talk to lady, look at her eyes, not her boobs.
_ [Up-tempo music plays.]
Can you help me update my Twitter status? I just can't see the keyboard.
Can you type it in for me? Just type it in.
What do you want to type? Okay, just type, "surgery good.
" "Surgery good.
" And then "they're gone.
" - "They're gone.
" - Yeah.
And one more sentence.
"I feel like a new woman.
" And then there's a little hash tag.
There's a little hash tag right there.
And then it says post-op.
It's amazing how many of my followers want to keep up with my sex change.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
So, why is Sandy posting "Happy Birthday" on your Facebook page? What's the big deal? What? Facebook.
Sandy Garvin posting on your Facebook page.
Yeah, so? So, so, she's your ex-girlfriend.
- Come on.
- I'm sorry.
Do you think it's wrong for him to post on his ex-girlfriend on Facebook? I think it's awful.
She was my girlfriend in high school.
That was over 60 years ago.
That's right.
_ Count them.
I think you're horrible.
It's not like I poked her or anything.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
Hi, excuse me.
Do you have a minute? Help an old lady for a second, would you? Oh, you're a dear.
Are you a writer? No.
I'm just trying to write this thing, and I changed genres.
I'm writing an erotic novel is the thing, and it's something I've never done before.
I'm very conservative, so I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone.
But I'm, like, blocked.
I'm looking for a wonderful word, beautiful word, sexy word for orgasm.
Everybody says "orgasm, orgasm.
" If you had to describe that moment, how would you describe that moment? Give me something that's Oh, I've got my notes everywhere.
- Okay.
- I'm speechless.
I don't know.
- I got to go.
- Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why? The sex is everywhere.
I mean, I'm old, but I remember it.
Buh-bye.
Thank you.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Here you go.
Here you go.
Jeff, he's at the top of the hill.
Hand it to him.
Come on, run.
We got to make time.
we're not gonna take it anymore Come on, gang.
We can come up with an idea for a viral video.
We just have to get our heads together.
What about something with a cat? - No.
- No.
What about planking? Is that still popular? No.
I guess we just have to go with the classic.
All: Hitting someone in the crotch.
Aw, why me? [Surf music plays.]
So, we're gonna get somebody.
Oh, honey, okay.
Sir, would you toss a coin for me? We're having a little discussion here, a disagreement.
Okay.
We need an impartial flipper.
Go ahead.
Flip it up.
Heads! Oh, I win.
Oh, fine.
I'll see if genie wants to do a three-way, but please don't complain to me when it starts to get weird.
Hey, the weirder, the better.
You know what I mean? Okay.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
You have 10 seconds.
- Huh? - You have 10 seconds.
For what? Hey, I tried to warn you.
[Surf music plays.]
- Hi.
How you doing, sir? - Man: Hey.
I got the organ.
Just leave the money in this envelope.
[Laughs.]
All right, you want to see what you getting, okay? This is a perfectly healthy kidney, man.
Perfectly healthy.
- What the [Bleep.]
.
- It's fresh.
They just harvested it.
All right, look.
Leave the money here.
I'll tell you what.
You look like a nice guy.
I'm gonna throw in the cooler.
I'll be back for the money.
[Surf music plays.]
- * somebody tell me what is happening * - _ somebody tell me what is it You took off early! You cheated! Woman: I never cheat! I'm just better! I'm winning! Hey! Ah, you're cheating again, Jo Marie! [Music continues.]
[Siren wails.]
[Doorbell rings.]
Oh, that must be the fire department.
Come in! Miss White, I'm here to rescue you.
Oh, I'm okay.
Thank you for stopping by.
[Doorbell rings.]
Miss White, are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.
It's all good.
[Doorbell rings.]
Miss White, are you okay? Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I think something's on fire.
I think I found the problem, Miss White.
It's this smoke machine.
I thought I had turned that off.
[Coughs.]
[Rock music plays.]
I mean, like, the beer-battered fish sandwich sounds good Hey, this is Lou Cutell and Mike Yama at the Junkyard Cafe.
Yama: We're looking at this young couple here.
They seem to be out on a romantic evening.
[Laughs.]
I see some smiles.
Oh, ho, ho, this is gonna be glorious.
Cutell: She is really very excited.
I don't know.
Going out for a romantic evening in a T-shirt.
Well, I don't know, but I think he's gonna score tonight.
Let me tell you.
Someone's gonna get very lucky.
Well, look at his body language.
I think something's gonna happen.
Something special's gonna happen.
This is Lou Cutell And Michael Yama signing off in Simi Valley.
_ we're not gonna take it anymore Excuse me Could you do me a favor and take a video of me for me to send to my grandchildren? Sure, sure.
I really appreciate this.
If you could just stand right here.
It's all set.
You just push the button on the top.
I'm gonna stand back here.
[Camera beeps.]
Hi, Michael and Nicky.
It's granny.
I'm here in Hollywood.
I'm on Hollywood Boulevard.
I'm having a wonderful time on vacation.
I saw the Hollywood sign.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna go to some of the amusement parks, and I'm really excited about being here.
I've been looking for some movie stars.
I haven't seen any yet.
This gentleman here is very handsome.
Maybe he's in a movie.
I'll have to ask him if he's in the movies.
But it's really exciting being here.
What? What? Him? No, that's okay.
They can just stand there.
That's okay.
So, I'm going to the amusement park tomorrow, and it's gonna be lots of fun.
And I know I'm gonna enjoy myself.
Sorry that you're not gonna be there with me.
Is this a problem for you? What? Really, it's okay.
- No, no, no, watch.
- I'll get somebody else.
- Watch this.
- That's okay.
[Surf music plays.]
Excuse me, sir.
Could you come here for a second? Could you make any suggestions for me for beer? Listen, you know, I don't really need beer.
Could you just block me for a second? let's go crazy _ let's go crazy Oh, God.
- * come on, let's go crazy * - I needed that.
_ Thanks so much.
let's go, let's go Thank you.
[Hip-hop music plays.]
Hey, you like hip-hop, right? Check out my rhyme.
Okay.
Here goes my rhyme.
You ready? - I'm ready.
- Come on.
Dig it.
[Rapping.]
Don't mess with me, fool because I'm no talker I roll so hard, I got rims on my walker and even though my knee is creakin' I take a pill, I can get my freak on Yeah.
I can stand tall and I can do my duty so if you're feelin' funky and you're lookin' fine bitch, take a number and get in line [laughs.]
All right, all right, all right, hey.
Mc Decaf Cappuccino.
crazy I used to be crazy Yama: How about some chips, everyone? Thank you.
Oh, hi, everyone.
My favorite night of the week game night.
Tonight, we're playing celebrity.
You know, the game where somebody gives you a clue, and then you guess who the star is? Who goes first? You and Michael.
All right.
Someone you worked with.
Narrow it down.
Someone you dated.
[Chuckles.]
Narrow it down.
Someone you dated last week.
We could be here all night.
Good night everybody.