Black-ish (2014) s02e11 Episode Script

A lot of people are married to their best friends.
- We complete each other.
- Sentences.
- He knows my favorite color.
- Magenta.
What a kook.
- Always knows what I want for dinner.
- Blintzes.
We're each other's best friend.
Love Bow! Great wife, tons of fun, wouldn't have kids with anyone else.
- Guess what I want for dinner.
- I don't care.
But she is not my best friend.
I've had the same best friend since I was two.
Went to the same schools, grew up on the same streets.
Over the years Gigi's seen me graduate, get married, and even become a father.
And I've seen her become Gigi Franklin.
Now, a lot of women would be jealous if their husband's best friend was one of the biggest pop stars in the world.
But Bow knows Gigi is like my sister, so she doesn't care that she looks like this.
What bothers Bow is that we look like this.
- Ohh! That's what I'm talking about! - Oh, hell, yeah! CP3! - Oww! Ow! - Mm-mm-mm-mm! Yeah! Sports! Oh.
Oh, guys.
- What? - Just saw on TMZ that Gigi was at the in-n-out on Van Nuys.
- Oh.
- Oh, she's close.
I'm gonna go gel up.
- I'm gonna go re-comb my afro.
- Okay.
And for no particular reason, I'm going to put on my bedazzled glasses.
- You do that.
You do that.
- Okay, Diane.
I will.
I cannot remember the last time that I saw Gigi.
Uh, it was the Grammys, and I bailed you two out of Grammy jail because she went after Iggy Azalea for you.
- Uh, we went after her.
- Mm-hmm.
And Gigi only got there first because Iggy caught me with a lucky punch.
It was a series of lucky punches long, insanely accurate, deceptively strong, brutal, lucky punches.
Iggy's day is coming.
So, what's on the itinerary for this weekend, huh? Mani-pedis? Paparazzi chase leaving mani-pedis? Egging Iggy's house? - Possibly.
- Uh-huh.
And I think it's gonna be more than just a weekend.
She's thinking about moving back here.
Great.
'Cause when you two are together, you are on the town nonstop and I'm just an afterthought.
It may not be like that at all.
She's only moving back here because she's getting serious with her dude.
So, have you met this guy yet? No, but his company is hosting a VMA party, and I'm her plus-one, so I get to meet him tonight.
Maybe I should go.
It's a plus-one.
There's no such thing as a plus-two.
That would be stupid.
She's coming.
Oh, oh, okay.
All right.
- Y'all are gonna get hurt.
- All right, all right.
- Where are my babies? - Auntie Gigi! Hey! Bring me my babies! Oh, my God! Look at all my babies! Look at you, Diane.
Your glasses wait, look, look.
Twinsies! She already has a twin.
Stop putting my business in the street.
Geege, can we please scroll through your contacts? You can scroll, but not call Unless you block my number first.
And then I don't care what you do.
Thank you! Hi! Ohh! Hey.
Ohh! You look incredible! So do you.
Look at them curls on fleek-a-leek! - Thank you.
- Okay.
Okay.
Brother man, you know you look better on facetime.
Well, you look like you just got off a 14-hour flight.
I smell like it, too.
I-I bet you do.
Ooh! This is some of my best work.
- Oh.
- Mm.
I kind of what you to smell it.
I don't I don't want to smell that.
Oh, come on.
Get up in here.
See, now you got me thinking if I don't smell it, I'm gonna always wonder what that smelled like.
Oh, I'm going in.
I'm going in.
Oh.
Get it, get it, get it.
Ooh! Oh, my God.
He's smelling it.
Okay.
Whoo! - What I say? - I can even taste it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ugh.
Mm.
Bow, you got to taste you some.
- I got you right here.
- Taste you some right there.
- Come on, Bow.
- No it's got your name on it, baby.
No, no, no, no.
I'm I'm full.
So, I'm gonna You know what? I'm gonna go get us some wine.
Then maybe light up some scented candles and just, like, open the windows.
What you been up to, boy?! Knock out a wall.
A little more for you.
- Thank you.
- A little more for you.
Oh, this is a little more.
So Tell us about this new boyfriend! Yes.
His name is Napoleon, right? Yes.
Now, Napoleon reminds me of a dude who has a 50-person church on Crenshaw.
- Dre! Don't - What? It's the truth.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
Because you know we always trash each other's baes, right? Yes, we do! Always! Wait, always? - Well, you know, up up until you, babe.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- And then there was an abrupt stop.
- Oh.
Yeah, even though your name is Rainbow.
Yeah, even though your name is Rainbow.
Okay.
- All right, come on, Gigi.
Let's kick it.
- Okay.
- Hey, what you want to do? - Yeah, boom, boom, boom.
Man, Gigi has the life.
Yeah, it's amazing.
She and dad grew up on the same block, but she's actually successful.
Guys, we can be like Gigi.
All we have to do is make a music video, get 30 million hits on Youtube, and boom overnight viral sensations.
- I don't know.
- Pass.
Great.
I'll sing.
Um, we've all heard your voice.
It sounds like somebody's stepping on your tail.
Ohh! Ha! Admittedly, my body is going through some changes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, so I'll be the producer like Phil Spector Without the wigs and murder.
I'll be the dancer/hype man/soul of the group.
And I'll sing lead for obvious reasons.
Hold up.
What about me? What do I do? Um Oh! Here.
Play this.
Why do I have to play triangle? Why do you have a triangle? - Well, it's actually a long - Okay, okay, check this out.
I keep on fallin' In and out Of love With you What? Y-you think you can do better? Oh.
N-no! I don't even sing.
I just no, no, no, no, no.
If it's so easy, then you do it, gurkel.
Ohh! "Gurkel.
" "Gurkel.
" I keep on fallin' Iiiiiiin And out of love With you Ohh! Sometimes I love you Sometimes you make me blue Wow! That was amazing! Why are you still laughing? Because She totally humiliated me.
Where'd you learn to sing like that? And more importantly, what personal experience are you mining to display that kind of emotion? Perfect.
- The zombie's right there.
- Oh, God.
Oh, he's definitely gonna get bit.
Oh, my God.
Definitely.
He's def he's definitely gonna get bit.
Oh, uh I'm, uh, talking to Gigi.
Hey, Bow agrees.
She says he's definitely getting bit.
Okay, oh, God.
Here it comes.
- Right? - Oh, God! I don't want to see! I don't want to see! Oh, my God! Wait.
Wait, why'd you do that? Dre, I wanted to see it.
Oh, Gigi had to pee.
So, why did we have to pause it? Because we're watching it together.
Seriously, Dre? You just saw her.
Is this how it's gonna be every day now? Are you back? Okay.
Uh, she's not back, so finish what you were saying.
- Forget it.
- All right.
Oh, you back? All right, let's un-pause it.
Three, two, one.
Aaah! He got bit! Oh, my God! Look at the blood! Look at the blood! I knew it.
Pam, I feel like I'm the third wheel in my own marriage.
If Gigi and Dre are not sleeping together, then what's your problem? I should be his bestie.
She gets to do all the fun stuff with him, and all I get to do is sleep with him.
Trust me, Bow.
You do not want to be your husband's best friend.
Mm.
Ever hung around those best-friend couples? Creepy.
Always feels like they're greasing you up for a threesome.
Oh.
W-what? Mm-hmm.
So, all of a sudden, Bow is having a problem with me and Gigi.
Why should your wife be okay with you having an affair with a beautiful famous? I'm not having an affair, Daphne.
I told you we're just friends.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I thought you were building this fantastical backstory to soothe your guilty conscience.
You guys really are just Friends? You disgust me.
Yeah, it's weird.
U-unless you're a gay man, which, legally, I'm not allowed to ask you.
Lucy, ask him if he's gay.
Lucy, I'm not gay.
Whoa, Dre, nobody asked you that.
- Don't turn this into a witch hunt.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
I have tons of straight guy friends.
They drive me to the airport, help me move.
You know, all the stuff you'd never actually ask a guy you're planning on sleeping with to do done.
Oh, my God.
That's just using people, Lucy.
You can have male friends who aren't pretending to be your friend just because they desperately want to sleep with you like Josh.
Oh.
I don't want to sleep with you.
Oh.
U-unless you want me to.
Then I would do it forever.
Oh, God.
Look, there's something great about having a female best friend.
Sleeping with them.
No.
Let me ask you this If I told you Bow got on me too much for watching football, - what would you say? - [Bleep.]
That [Bleep.]
Whoa.
- And that is on me.
- Yeah, it is.
Okay, but Gigi would say Bow just wants to spend more time with me, and I should take her out on Saturday.
That way, she'll leave me alone on Sunday.
Eh, this Gigi guy sounds stupid.
No, no, no, no.
This is the kind of thinking that could have saved two of my marriages and prevented a third.
This female best-friend thing it's genius.
Total genius! What?! This guy is so stubborn.
Female friends, Dre! Been preaching that to you all day.
- What the hell? - Good stuff.
So, my co-workers were certifiably insane, but even they thought there was nothing weird about my relationship with Gigi.
Napoleon thinks our relationship is weird.
What? Yeah, so, he's gonna come to the premiere tonight.
Okay, that's cool.
We can all roll.
Dre, you don't get it.
You're not going.
You know more than anybody that there's no such thing as a plus-two.
That would be stupid.
And then she said there's no such thing as a plus-two.
Can you imagine something so hurtful? I cannot.
I'm losing my best friend.
W-what am I supposed to do? Well, I mean, Dre, I haven't known you for 40 years, but I think washing your underwear for even one day puts me in the inner sanctum.
II could be your best friend.
What? I'll be your new Gigi! Bow, don't be ridiculous.
You're my wife, not my friend.
Well, come on.
I love shopping.
I love manicures.
Put me in, coach.
I got this.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- We'll try this out.
- Okay.
But don't you dare say you love manicures because those gels are six weeks old.
Already starting on the wrong foot, friend.
Dre.
Let's get it together.
My nails are poppin'.
No, they're not.
I keep on fallin' In and out Of love With you I never loved someone The way that I love you Wow! That was awesome! We got to shoot this now.
Absolutely.
I just have one quick question.
Jack, did you mean to clap on the one and the three? Yes.
Do you even know what the one and the three are? Yes? Well, show me.
Right now.
I'm sorry.
Is this a joke to you? Take it easy, Diane.
We're just having a little fun.
Oh.
Mm-kay.
So, it's fun to miss a key change? It's fun to be off-tempo? Because if it is You guys are having the time of your life.
Uh, maybe we should all just take five.
Not till you tell me what's fun about this? What is fun about this?! So, Bow and I took our new best-friend relationship out for a spin.
Honestly, it started a little bumpy.
Aha! What do you think, hmm? That's great.
I love it.
Mindless compliment, huh? Okay, look, this was a mistake.
- What?- Let's just go home, and I will die best-friendless.
"Here lies Andre Johnson, survived by acquaintances.
" Wh Dre, no, no.
Let me let me try again.
Come on.
Okay.
All right.
Now, is this too matchy-matchy, or is this good denim-on-denim? Talk to me.
- I genuinely like it.
- Oh.
I feel like it's just off enough that it's perfect.
Okay, cool.
How about if I oh, God.
Add this jacket, huh? Okay, okay.
Just just, like just getting all the denim.
Come on, Bow, I'm gonna need Gigi-level honesty here, all right? Okay.
Okay, you You look like a farmer attending his daughter's wedding in Alberta.
- Ah! That was good! - Yeah? - That was a good one.
- Okay! Yeah! Okay, wait, I-I-I have another one.
Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, hit me with it.
Uh, those skinny jeans make your legs look like you've been in a wheelchair for the last 20 years of your life.
Sounds like that one's been locked and loaded for a minute now.
'Cause your legs are small.
Yeah, yeah, my legs are small.
Okay.
Um, well, the goal is to, uh, be honest and, uh, not cruel.
We'll find it.
We'll find it.
Yeah, but, you know, we're off to a good start.
Oh.
Wow.
You know what? That jumpsuit is dope.
You like it? I don't know.
Yeah, it makes your butt look like that peach tower on "House of Cards.
" I'm gonna buy this.
Okay.
High five! - Okay.
High five.
- We did good.
This is so much fun, friend! Trust me, Di, I know you're frustrated.
It's hard when you're as talented as you and I are.
But it's not just about talent.
It can be lonely at the top.
All these private jets and five-star hotels and endangered-species dinners and wait, endangered species? Are you raising money to help them or I ate the last dodo.
I want to eat the last something.
Of course you do.
Everybody does.
But you don't want to eat it alone.
Di, success means nothing if you don't have somebody to share the ride with.
Thanks.
I know what I have to do.
I'm going solo, guys.
Best of luck.
You're probably going to fail.
She doesn't mean that, right? Right? Annie, don't be afraid to hit them heels, all right? Make her feet soft like mine.
You do have pillowy feet, Dre.
You can, too, baby.
Only five short hours to perfect feet.
- Whoa, five hours? - Mm-hmm.
It takes less time to remove a brain tumor.
But can a brain tumor wear an open-toe sandal? No.
No.
All right, this isn't just a pedicure, okay? It's a paraffin dip, it's a sea-salt scrub, it's a Brazilian wax, then they gonna sugar-wax your stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Dre, you get a bro-zilian? Well, those are the things that you learn with your best friend.
Like I learned that you have the feet of a Kenyan distance runner.
Ellen.
Do you speak Viet.
.
namese? I didn't know that.
Are you are you talking about me? What? No.
Rainbow Johnson.
The gods must be crazy.
What did you say? Why's everybody laughing? Oh, 'cause I told her just take a little off the top.
Ugh, you were right.
This best friend thing was a huge mistake.
He's totally getting worse, Pam.
He just texted me 10 seconds ago about a text he sent 20 seconds ago.
Yeah, can you just call me on my home phone, please, and, like, say there's, like, I don't know, a massive fire or something, and I'm needed at work? Just get me out of here! Okay, bye.
Oh, my God.
Stop it.
Leave me Al Bow! Aah!! Oh! Hey, my best friend! Hey, hey, check this out.
Gigi just posted, "having fun with my boo.
" Oh.
It's her and Napoleon getting mani-pedis.
Oh, no.
Look at her.
You should go down there, like, right now.
Like, leave this minute.
Like, leave this house.
- Just get out of here.
- No, I'm not going down there.
- Oh.
- We're going down there.
- We're go - Uh-huh.
I'm gonna show them what this magic is like.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Let's go.
Okay.
Excuse me! Siblings It's a lonely perch for a solo artist, so I come to you hat in hand.
I want back in.
- Yes! - Oh, thank God.
Well, wait a second.
Why should we let her back in? Zoey, you're still kind of finding your voice.
You can't sing.
Check out what we've been working on.
You know what, guys? I'm good.
Trust your gut, Diane.
Thanks, Nikki.
Okay, so, here? Thank you, Nikki.
Hello.
Oh.
Hi.
Oh, Gigi, I see you're here having a good time with your best friend, while I'm over here having an equally good time with mine.
Dre, why you being weird? - I'm not being weird.
- Yes, you are.
You're the one being weird, weirdo.
You abandoned the friendship.
Oh, hey, Ellen.
Gigi.
Viet cong.
- Viet cong? - Yeah.
- Who you calling Viet cong? - You.
- You, Viet cong, fool! - What are you gonna do about it?! What are you gonna do? "Fool"?! I'm tired of you acting like you're 2 years old up in here! - Wait, whatever.
- You're causing a scene.
W-what are you talking about? I was your plus-one.
Okay, well, you must be Napoleon.
- Help me, please.
- Hi, I'm what? Gigi's crazy! I'm a grown man in hot-wax mittens.
She Dutch-ovened me in my Tesla! Now the battery's not working! Wait a minute.
What are you saying? I-I don't have to deal with this.
I produced the VMAs.
I have choices.
Well, I have choices, too.
I am a doctor.
These hands were in brain surgery yesterday.
These hands told Wiz Khalifa to wrap it up.
You did this! You're the one that said their friendship was weird! It is weird.
Look at them.
Oh! Didn't think I was gonna come back with that one, did you? - Well, at least they're weird together.
- Yeah.
I say we get out of here while we can.
- Good idea.
- I'm going.
She's gonna pay.
Are you kidding me? Did they just walk out of here without saying goodbye? That's totally rude.
At least he is.
Hey, I-I thought you and him were cool.
Oh, no, we're cool.
I mean, he might be the one.
Oh.
But he is so boring to go shopping with.
His body is all, like, "boom, boom, boom.
" It's, like, perfect.
There's no challenge.
But you, on the other hand I'll take your weird "little man Tate" body to Fred Segal any day.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Well, since we're being honest What? Shopping with Bow is no challenge, either.
Really, why? Yeah, she ain't got the same problems you got hats, visors, headbands.
She can just buy off the rack.
I mean, she ain't got to let nothing out.
Ah.
Yeah, it don't stretch it when she put it on.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- I miss you.
- I miss you, too.
And I'm so sorry I bailed on you.
But I like Napoleon so much.
- Hmm.
- And I want babies.
And I want my babies to play with your babies and then grow up and be best friends like me and you.
Hey, we're never going to stop growing up together.
You're my sis, and I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
Come on, girl.
Give me some.
I'm sorry I started tripping.
- It's okay.
- All right.
- Hey, Bow.
- Mm-hmm? - I need to talk to you about something.
- Yeah? Gigi and I we need to be best friends.
Good.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I do.
I do.
I do not want to be your best friend.
- Oh, thank God.
- Right? I mean, I was bothered by what you have with Gigi, and then I realized it is a ridiculous waste of time with no merit or meaning or lasting benefit on society.
It's like a like a drain of global spiritual energy.
- It's like - okay, you know, I-I-I feel like you're trying to get to something else.
What's Oh.
Oh, you're right.
You're right.
Okay.
I am not jealous of what you have with anybody else because I love what I have with you.
Works for me.
Muah.
I love you.
Ohh, I love you, baby.
- We love each other.
- A lot.
But we are not each other's best friend.
I keep on falling Iiiiiin love Go, Didi Oh, yeah In and out of love With you Sometimes I love ya Sometimes you make me blue Sometimes I feel good At times, I feel used Lovin' you, darlin' Hey Makes me so confused I keep on fallin' In and out of love with you