Buffy the Vampire Slayer s02e11 Episode Script
Ted
In every generation there is a Chosen One, She alone will stand against the vampires,|the demons and the forces of darkness, She is the Slayer, - You don't know what you're talking about.
|- Xander, he was in charge.
He was a puppet.
She was using him.
He didn't seem like the type of guy|who would let himself be used.
That was her genius! He didn't know|he was playing second fiddle.
Buffy Who was the real power,|the Captain or Tennille? Um, who are these people? The Captain and Tennille?! Somebody was raised|in a culture-free environment! - I'm sorry! I was just|- Thinkin'? No, not thinking.
|Having a lot of happy not-thoughts.
I love it when things are quiet around here.
With Spike and Drusilla out of the way,|we've really been ridin' the mellow! And I am really jinxin'|the hell out of us by sayin' that.
Yeah, but we'll let you off this time.
So, we're pretty sure there are no more|Tarakan assassins coming our way? - Angel's sources say the contract's off.
|- How is Angel? - Pretend I care.
|- Getting better.
- You're loving playing nursemaid?|- Oh, yeah.
- Better than playing naughty stewardess?|- Xander! You guys wait here a second.
No! Mom! I'm sorry.
I heard Uh, I broke a wine glass.
- You're home early.
|- Hi.
Hi.
Oh, this is my daughter Buffy.
Buffy, this is Ted.
OK, here we go! So, these late nights at the gallery recently.
|I gather you were cataloguing more than art.
Well, I've been looking for the right moment|to introduce you two.
He's a wonderful man.
How'd you meet? He sells computer software.
|He redid my system at the gallery.
- Freed up a lot of my time.
|- To meet new people.
- And smooch them in my kitchen.
|- You weren't supposed to see that.
- I like my new nine-gig hard drive.
|- But you don't love it.
Without the DMA upgrade,|it's only half a rocket ship.
- Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?|- You can.
I get the demos for free.
I can give them|to you.
Any friend of Buffy's What? It's the sound she makes|when she's speechless with geeker-joy.
This is the finest pizza on God's|green earth.
What is your secret? After you bake it, you fry it in herbs and|olive oil, but you gotta use a cast-iron skillet.
- No room for compromise there.
|- You should market these things.
You can get 200-300 bucks apiece! - Hungry?|- No, thanks.
Buffy, I want to apologise.
|That wasn't how I wanted us to meet.
I wanted it to be perfect.
I'm very fond of your mother.
|I guess that's pretty obvious.
I know you're the most|important thing in her life and Well, gosh, that makes you|pretty important to me, too.
- Buffy, I really want you to be OK with this.
|- Beg to differ.
We really want you to be OK with this.
- I'm OK.
|- You are? I am! Buffy, I believe he's, um It's staking time, really, don't you think? - Any others?|- For their sakes, I certainly hope not.
- What? I kill vampires.
That's my job.
|- True, true.
You don't usually beat them|into quite such a pulp beforehand.
- Everything all right?|- Yeah.
Fine.
I killed one here on Wednesday.
|Why are they in the park? They're scattered, you know?|Their leaders are gone, with any luck dead.
In times of crisis,|they return to the easiest feeding grounds.
Vampires are creeps.
Yes, that's why one slays them.
People are perfectly happy|getting along, then vampires come.
They run around and kill people and take over|your house and make stupid mini-pizzas Uh, Buffy I believe the subtext here|is rapidly becoming a a text.
- Sure there's nothing you want to share?|- No.
Forget it.
Think there'll be any more? I can wait.
- If you say one more word, things'll get dire.
|- Did you even bother to taste 'em? No! Well, I did.
And I'm here to tell ya,|those mini-pizzas have changed my life.
Ted is the master chef.
Fine.
He's a good cook.
|What does that really tell you? - Everything.
|- You don't like him.
I don't know him.
So far all I see is|someone who apparently has a good job, .
.
seems nice and polite,|and my mother likes him.
What kind of a monster is he? There's something|too clean about this clown.
He's a clean clown! - I have my own fun.
|- Buff, you're lacking evidence.
- I think we're in Sigmund Freud territory.
|- He has a point.
Separation anxiety, the mother figure taken|away, conflict with the father figure - He's not my father figure.
|- Having issues much? - I am not!|- # You're having parental issues! - # You're having parental issues!|- Xander Freud would have said the exact same thing.
- He might not have done that little dance.
|- OK, I admit it's weird.
Seeing my mother Frenching a guy is a|ticket to therapy-land, but it's more than that.
I'm good at sensing things and|there is something wrong with this Ted.
- Ted!|- Of course.
Who'd you think I meant? - Hi, Ted Ted who's here.
|- Hello, kids.
- What are you doing here?|- Updating the software.
Which reminds me.
Your upgrades.
- Oh, what a day! Thank you.
|- Think nothing of it.
- Buffy, do you like miniature golf?|- Who doesn't? Your mother and I thought this Saturday|we'd drag the three of you to the course, .
.
spend time swinging the iron|with the stuffy old people.
- Well|- I'm making a picnic basket.
- With mini-pizzas?|- And cookies.
You know what? We would love to, but|unfortunately we have that thing on Saturday.
Oh, that thing! That thing, Hey, we can do that thing any time.
|I'm tired of doin' that thing.
We're on.
Great! Hello, Jenny.
Rupert.
Hi.
Some of your textbooks|were delivered to the library.
Do you want me to hang on to them? Yeah, that's fine.
|I'll send the kids by to pick 'em up.
Right.
Good.
Pretty flimsy excuse for comin' by to see me.
You should have heard the ones I threw out! Well, I just wanted to|see how you were doing.
I'm doin' pretty good, actually.
I've stayed out of mortal danger|for three whole weeks.
I could get used to it.
I'm still having trouble sleeping, though.
Of course.
Um, you need time.
Or possibly space.
|Rupert, I know you're concerned.
But having you constantly pokin' around,|makin' puppy-dog eyes, askin' if I'm OK You make me feel bad that I don't feel better.
I don't want that responsibility.
I'm sorry.
I certainly don't mean to make .
.
dog eyes at you.
- I'm just|- Worried.
I know.
I shouldn't have bothered you.
Mom's like "Will Ted like this?|Ted's teachin' me computers.
" "Ted said" And I'm like "Great, Mom.
"|She said I was being sarcastic.
- I'm sorry if I don't talk about Ted all day!|- So you're gonna talk about somethin' else? I'm sorry.
I just have so much to deal with.
|I don't need some new guy in my life.
No? Maybe your mom does.
Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom! Loneliness is about|the scariest thing there is.
OK, so my mom needs a guy in her life.
- Does it have to be Ted?|- You have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there|that would satisfy you? My dad.
Yeah, OK, that's not gonna happen.
Fine, fine.
I'll give Ted a chance.
I'll play minigolf and I'll smile and|curtsey and be the dutiful daughter.
Do I have to like him? - Kiss me.
|- Finally something I wanna do! Ah! The dreaded five-par cuckoo clock! Ha! So many have come,|so few have conquered.
That picnic was delicious!|It's rare to find a man that cooks.
I know.
I've been looking a long time for one! Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around|the block trying to get a date with you.
- Not really.
|- Oh, they are, but she's only interested in Uh, her studies! Book-cracker Buffy.
It's kind of her nickname.
I'm glad to hear it.
I bet that means|your grades will be picking up soon.
My grades? - How does he know about my grades?|- I told him.
He wants to know everything about you.
|He's concerned.
That's a good thing.
Ooh, nice shot, Ted! Keep your eye on the ball.
|Watch those elbows! Oh, bad luck, little lady! - Oh, we won't count it.
|- We won't? - It's just miniature golf.
|- It is, but the rules are the rules.
What we teach her is what she takes|into the world when we're not there, .
.
whether it's at school|or an unchaperoned party.
I won't overstep my bounds.
|It's between you and your mother.
I just think right is right.
He has a point.
Fine.
I'll just go hit my ball from the rough.
Hey, how about that? Got a hole in two! Beg to differ.
OK, so fine my score or whatever.
I think you're missing the point here,|little lady.
Right is right.
Wrong is wrong.
|Why don't people see that? - It's just a game?|- Right, it's just a game, do your own thing.
Well, I'm not wired that way.
|And I'm here to tell you .
.
it is not a game, it does count, and I don't|stand for that kind of malarkey in my house! Then it's a good thing I'm not in your house.
Do you want me to slap|that smart-ass mouth of yours? Who's up for dessert?|I made chocolate-chip cookies! - Yummy!|- Cookies! Yeah, I made too many, so you guys|are gonna have to take some home.
Mm! Buffy, you've got to try one of these.
|They're really good.
Mm! These are tasty! - Good morning, sunshine.
|- Hey.
I've got juice, I've got sticky buns.
|Don't they smell good? Ted made them.
What? I'd just like to eat something|that Ted didn't make.
- What kind of an attitude is that?|- I know you think he's great He went out of his way to be nice and you|couldn't say two words to him on Saturday.
I do not expect you to love him right away|like I do, but I want you to treat him decently.
You love him? I don't know.
That just slipped out But I guess.
- It's not like men beat down the door|- .
.
when you're a single parent.
I wouldn't have anything to do with anybody|who didn't care about you, but he does.
I don't understand why you can't see that.
- He threatened me.
|- What? He threatened me.
|He said that he was gonna slap my face.
He said no such thing.
|Honey, Ted told me what happened.
- He caught you cheating, didn't he?|- Yeah, I kicked my ball in.
Put me in jail.
- But he totally wigged.
|- Did he say anything in front of the others? - No, but I don't think that's|- I thought that was pretty decent of him.
Ted said we have to|give you time to come round.
Speaking of which, he's making dinner for us|tonight, so I'd like you home promptly at six.
Mm! This is so delicious! Check him out? Investigate him.
Find out his secrets.
- Can you say "overreaction"?|- Can you say "sucking chest wound"? Buffy, it just seems like you|want him to be corrupt or something.
- The guy lost his senses over minigolf.
|- Being a little uptight isn't a slaying offence.
Don't give me the look.
I'm on your side.
|But some things you have to accept.
And Ted ain't one of 'em.
- Hey, Cordy, nice outfit!|- Oh, very funny.
- Not really.
|- What are you saying? - Nice outfit?|- Why don't you just keep your mouth shut? Would you guys excuse me for a sec? What's up with them? - What's wrong?|- I gave you a compliment.
- In front of your friends.
They'll know.
|- Know what? Please! It's too traumatic|for me to even say it! That we kissed? I'm not gonna tell.
They're not gonna know.
|Not your friends, not my friends.
- Wanna go to the utility room and make out?|- God, is that all you ever think about? OK.
Well, I'm not wrong here.
Ted has a problem|with me.
He acts like I'm in the way.
- Mom's been different since he was around.
|- Different like happy? - Like Stepford.
Will you help me?|- You know I will.
- What do you want me to look for?|- Let's start small.
Find out where he works.
Yeah, it's a terrific product.
|No PC should be without it.
No, Mrs Lansdale,|it is not an inexpensive piece of software.
As a matter of fact,|it's a very expensive one, .
.
which removes the risk|of crashing your system.
Of course, if you prefer something cheap,|I can always recommend Trust me, you won't be sorry.
|Thank you very much.
Goin' to lunch! You're new, aren't ya? I'm Neal.
I'm B Linda.
Belinda.
I'm just temping for the day.
Wow! That guy's a salesman.
|He's the one to beat around here.
Nobody beats the Machine.
|The guy is a genius.
Knows everything about computers,|never loses a client.
If I sound bitter, I am.
Nobody likes an overachiever.
He's probably|got ex-wives and families to support.
He's just got a girlfriend.
|I'm amazed he let her clutter his desk.
Thank God he's takin' off for the wedding.
- The wedding?|- He's got it set for two months from now.
Believe me, I am counting the days.
Uh-oh, the Über-Boss.
Back to the salt mines.
We thank you for what|we are about to receive, .
.
and we ask that you bless this house and|help the people in it to be more productive, .
.
more considerate and more honest.
- Amen.
|- Amen.
Well, another great day at work.
How was|school today, Buffy? Did you learn anything? - Quite a bit.
|- Good for you.
- Well, Joycie, what do you think?|- Every home should have one of you.
It's fantastic! Don't you think? - Looks good.
|- Well, little lady, .
.
it's not just for looks.
|It's for building strong bodies.
Honey? Are you two engaged? - Goodness, no! What gave you that idea?|- Joycie, let me handle this.
Buffy, your mother and I are|taking it one step at a time.
And if things go the way I hope, .
.
maybe someday soon|I just might ask her to tie the knot.
How would you feel about that? It's OK to have feelings, Buffy,|and it's OK to express them.
- I'd feel like killing myself.
|- Buffy! No, no.
I told her to be honest.
Sweetheart, you should try and|get used to me, cos you know what? I'm not going anywhere.
- May I be excused?|- You can go to your room, young lady.
That's where you can go.
Ted, I am so embarrassed.
|I don't know what's wrong with her.
Joycie, you don't get to be salesman of the|year by giving up after a couple of rejections.
She'll come round.
Vampires! Here, vampires! - What are you doing in here?|- Your mother told you to go to your room.
She didn't mean climb out|a window and go gallivanting.
First of all, this is my room.
Second - Have you been through my things?|- Yes, I have.
That's personal.
How dare you! I don't see how it's different from|you snooping around my office.
What exactly is a "vampire slayer"? - It's none of your business.
|- Beg to differ, little lady.
Everything you do is nothing|but my business from now on.
- I think you'd better get out of here.
Now!|- Or what? You'll slay me? I'm real.
I'm not some goblin|you made up in your little diary.
Psychiatrists have a word|for something like this: delusional.
So from now on you'll do what I say|when I say, or I show this to your mother.
And you'll spend your best|dating years inside a mental institution.
Your mother and I are going to be happy.
|You're not going to stand in the way.
Sleep tight.
That's mine, and you are not|leaving this room with it.
- Take your hand off me.
|- No.
I was so hoping you'd do that.
Buffy, stop that! Stop it! Ted Ted! Ted! You killed him! Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein.
Sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions.
Your relationship with the deceased? - We were, um, seeing each other.
|- Can you tell me what happened? He fell.
Down the stairs.
He fell.
I see.
Did he slip?|Do you know what made him fall? I hit him.
I hit him.
He was in my room|and we got into an argument.
About what? He Was this the first time that|you two had had an argument? No.
He threatened me.
|He said that he would slap me.
- That was tonight?|- No.
But he had my diary, and I tried to|take it back, and that's when he hit me.
Where? It doesn't look like he hit you very hard.
- I don't bruise easily.
|- You've been hit before? - Yes.
|- But Ted never hit you? - I told you|- Before tonight? - Ted never hit you before tonight?|- What do you want? - I told you what happened.
I didn't mean to.
|- I believe you.
Things got out of hand.
He's a big guy.
- Are you charging her?|- We're not bringing anything against her yet.
She says Mr Buchanan struck her.
If it's true Anyway, we've gotta examine it further.
Right now you should take her home and|the two of you should try and get some rest.
Buffy! - Are you OK?|- How come you're here? I couldn't stay at home.
|Mom won't even look at me.
What happened?|Unless you don't wanna talk about it.
We had a fight and I lost my temper.
|Really let him have it.
The paper said he fell.
He fell.
Hard.
- What was he?|- What? What was he? A demon? A giant bug? A dark|god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean,|we are talking creature feature here, right? - Oh, man.
|- I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
He started it.
Yeah that defence only works|in six-year-old court, Will.
Court?|Are they charging you with something? I don't know.
Not yet.
He was a person and I killed him.
- Don't say that.
|- Why not? Everyone else is.
- And it's the truth.
|- It was an accident.
I'm the Slayer.
|I had no right to hit him like that.
Look, Buffy, I don't know|what happened exactly, but I do know you.
I know you would never hurt|anyone intentionally.
Unless Unless they were dating my mother? I gotta go.
Buffy! Are you all right? Stupid question.
I'm sorry.
|If there's anything you need, just ask.
What's going on? Oh, you needn't worry about them.
They're|just asking a few questions.
Your behaviour Um, I Of course, I told them you, uh Man, this is killin' me! That bastard was up to|somethin'.
If I could get my hands on him - .
.
earlier this week|- I thought you liked him.
I sometimes like things|that are not good for me.
Besides, no way does Buffy put|the big hurt on an innocent man.
- Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.
|- We've gotta prove that somehow.
- Xander, do you have a pen?|- If Buffy is jailed because of that creep, .
.
I'm gonna lose it.
He's gotta be in there.
A history of domestic violence,|a criminal record Ooh! Cookies! - Buffy's the Slayer.
Shouldn't she have|- What, a licence to kill? Not for fun, but she's like this superman.
|Shouldn't she have different rules? - Sure, in a fascist society.
|- Right! Why can't we have one of those? - Buffy's not going to jail.
It's not fair.
|- Whatever the authorities have planned, .
.
it can't be much worse than what she's|doing to herself.
She's taken a human life.
The guilt is pretty hard to bear.
|It won't go away soon.
You should know, since you helped|raise that demon that killed a guy.
Yes.
Do let's bring that up|as often as possible.
So, Giles, you takin' over tonight? Buffy's not in any shape to patrol.
The least|I can do is pick up the slack.
Someone has to.
- You shouldn't go out without the Slayer.
|- Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, - .
.
there is no Slayer.
|- If you need help No, Buffy needs your help more than I.
|Cary on investigating.
Find out as much about|this Buchanan chap as possible.
Be careful.
I will.
Ted's got no criminal record.
|Damn, this guy's like citizen of the year! Don't sweat it.
It'll be fine.
- Don't sweat it?|- Yeah, cute buddy! We'll work it out.
No worries.
- What happened to "this is killing me"?|- Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems.
Can I help? It's done.
I've been meaning to|clean out this junk for months.
Do you have homework? - I didn't mean to hurt him.
|- I don't wanna talk about this.
- Mom, please, you have to know|- I can't.
Not yet.
Please, Buffy, just go to your room.
- OK|- What do we know? Well, apparently the secret|ingredient is not love.
- What is it?|- I'm not positive, but I think it's dekfatorin.
It's like a tranquilliser.
|Keeps you all mellow and compliant.
It also shares a few|components with ecstasy.
This is evidence! This is real evidence|that Ted was some kind of crook.
Buffy's cleared.
Willow,|you are the best human ever, I adore you! That's the cookies talkin', but you rock! Your search finally hit pay dirt.
I got personal records,|marriage certificates, and an address.
Well, let's check it out.
Get our Slayer back|on her feet before somebody else gets hurt.
- I get that reaction from men all the time!|- Jenny, what are you doing here? I saw your car.
I wanted to apologise.
- Now's not the best time|- No, please, let me just get this out.
I was so harsh the other day.
I am so sorry.
I mean, I know how badly you must feel|about putting me in danger before.
Imagine how I must feel now.
Mom? To hell with this! She nailed it shut.
Well, it's official.
|This day can't get any worse.
Beg to differ.
- You died.
|- That's right, little lady.
You killed me.
Do we have something to say about that?|Are we sorry? - What are you?|- I'm a salesman.
That's what you should have remembered.
|No matter how you put him down, .
.
a good salesman always bounces back.
My bow! See, I had to shut down for a while|to get you off my back.
You should have seen the intern's face when|I got up.
It was a hoot! Fun's over, though.
Say good night, big guy! Oh, God! Oh, no! Nice shot, lady! That wasn't playin' fair, missy! You're gonna find Hell of a day!|Makes you feel like you're 18 again! .
.
that I don't like being disobeyed! Don't worry about me and your mother.
|We're gonna be very happy.
Careful! Let's look around.
- I'll take the back.
|- Check for cookies.
For evidence! So far I've counted four marriage certificates.
- Any divorce papers?|- Not a one.
- So, either our boy was a Mormon, or|- Whoa! 1951? Ted must have married young.
|Like, pre-school young.
Nothing interesting.
Doesn't look|like anybody works or lives here.
Something's missing here.
|This doesn't seem like Ted at all.
Yeah, and this rug,|it doesn't go with the rest of the decor.
Buffy I'm sorry.
I know you didn't mean to - Joyce?|- Ted! Is it really? But you were I'm OK.
I'm OK.
I don't understand this.
You were dead! They said I was dead for six minutes.
|Any longer would have caused brain damage.
- Why didn't they tell us?|- Nobody knew.
In the morgue,|I was unconscious for almost a day.
An intern found me.
It's a miracle, Joyce.
- Oh, Ted!|- I know.
Oh, my God! Buffy! Ted, she never meant to hurt you.
|You have to believe me.
You don't have to worry about Buffy.
|Don't worry about anything.
Daddy's here.
Feels like home|if it's the fifties and you're a psycho.
What you got in the closet, Ted? Let's go.
- But we need evidence.
|- We got it.
- What's in there?|- His first four wives.
You know what brought me back, Joyce?|It was you.
I couldn't go into that light.
|I had to come back for you.
I'm gonna make you so happy.
- You should sit down.
|- I feel fine.
Never better.
Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first,|before she sees you, cos I'm sure Do we have to worry about Buffy right now?|How about Teddy? He's the one who died! I'm sorry, I just - I don't know what to do.
|- Don't I always tell you what to do? I'm going to make things right.
|Then you and I Want a little gravy with that? .
.
can go away where|no one will bother us again.
Ted, I I think you might|wanna rest for a while.
You might wanna stop telling me what to do.
|I don't take orders from women.
I'm not wired that way.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
- I think I'm all right.
|- No, you're in shock.
No, really, I don't think it went in too deep.
The advantages of layers of tweed.
|It's better than Kevlar.
Oh.
OK, we have to get you to the hospital.
- Ow! Ow! Let's move slowly, shall we?|- Sorry.
OK.
What? What is it? Some night, huh? Hey, you really know how|to woo a girl back, don't ya? Hospital.
I think I could use a drink.
Uh, to celebrate.
- We should probably be hitting the road.
|- Hitting the road? You'll love the house.
It's furnished|just the way you like it.
I spent a lot of Telling me what to do!.
.
time decorating.
- Well, then, I'd probably better go pack.
|- I already have your clothes.
They're your size.
They're always your size.
You left me once,|but I keep bringing you back.
Husband and wife is forever.
Forever.
- Let's go.
|- Ted, let go, please.
Get off me! Fine, then.
I'll have to cary you.
Buffy, come out! I don't stand for|this kind of malarkey in my house! Uncle Teddy This house is mine, Buffy, how about a nice game of Parcheesi? D'you wanna rent a movie tonight? - That sounds like fun.
|- Just nothing with horror in it.
Or romance.
Or men.
- So we're Thelma and Louise-ing it again?|- Good call.
I still think he's gonna jump out at me, .
.
especially after what the police found|in his house.
It's just too horrible.
I wouldn't worry.
He's not coming back.
- I wish I could be so sure.
|- Trust me.
He's on the scrapheap.
Of life.
So I'm Ted, the sickly loser.
I'm dying|and my wife dumps me.
I build a better Ted.
He brings her back, holds her hostage|in his bunker-o-love until she dies.
And then he keeps|bringing her back over and over.
That's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
The sad part is, the real Ted was a genius.
|There were design features that predate Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Not any big ones.
Oh, Will, you're supposed|to use your powers for good.
- But I just wanna learn stuff.
|- Like how to build your own serial killer? - It's so hard to rent one nowadays.
|- Can we drop it? Absolutely.
I plan to forget it all|and pick up where we left off.
OK, that's it.
I give up.
Do I have to sound|an air horn every time I walk into a room? What is it with grown-ups these days?
|- Xander, he was in charge.
He was a puppet.
She was using him.
He didn't seem like the type of guy|who would let himself be used.
That was her genius! He didn't know|he was playing second fiddle.
Buffy Who was the real power,|the Captain or Tennille? Um, who are these people? The Captain and Tennille?! Somebody was raised|in a culture-free environment! - I'm sorry! I was just|- Thinkin'? No, not thinking.
|Having a lot of happy not-thoughts.
I love it when things are quiet around here.
With Spike and Drusilla out of the way,|we've really been ridin' the mellow! And I am really jinxin'|the hell out of us by sayin' that.
Yeah, but we'll let you off this time.
So, we're pretty sure there are no more|Tarakan assassins coming our way? - Angel's sources say the contract's off.
|- How is Angel? - Pretend I care.
|- Getting better.
- You're loving playing nursemaid?|- Oh, yeah.
- Better than playing naughty stewardess?|- Xander! You guys wait here a second.
No! Mom! I'm sorry.
I heard Uh, I broke a wine glass.
- You're home early.
|- Hi.
Hi.
Oh, this is my daughter Buffy.
Buffy, this is Ted.
OK, here we go! So, these late nights at the gallery recently.
|I gather you were cataloguing more than art.
Well, I've been looking for the right moment|to introduce you two.
He's a wonderful man.
How'd you meet? He sells computer software.
|He redid my system at the gallery.
- Freed up a lot of my time.
|- To meet new people.
- And smooch them in my kitchen.
|- You weren't supposed to see that.
- I like my new nine-gig hard drive.
|- But you don't love it.
Without the DMA upgrade,|it's only half a rocket ship.
- Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?|- You can.
I get the demos for free.
I can give them|to you.
Any friend of Buffy's What? It's the sound she makes|when she's speechless with geeker-joy.
This is the finest pizza on God's|green earth.
What is your secret? After you bake it, you fry it in herbs and|olive oil, but you gotta use a cast-iron skillet.
- No room for compromise there.
|- You should market these things.
You can get 200-300 bucks apiece! - Hungry?|- No, thanks.
Buffy, I want to apologise.
|That wasn't how I wanted us to meet.
I wanted it to be perfect.
I'm very fond of your mother.
|I guess that's pretty obvious.
I know you're the most|important thing in her life and Well, gosh, that makes you|pretty important to me, too.
- Buffy, I really want you to be OK with this.
|- Beg to differ.
We really want you to be OK with this.
- I'm OK.
|- You are? I am! Buffy, I believe he's, um It's staking time, really, don't you think? - Any others?|- For their sakes, I certainly hope not.
- What? I kill vampires.
That's my job.
|- True, true.
You don't usually beat them|into quite such a pulp beforehand.
- Everything all right?|- Yeah.
Fine.
I killed one here on Wednesday.
|Why are they in the park? They're scattered, you know?|Their leaders are gone, with any luck dead.
In times of crisis,|they return to the easiest feeding grounds.
Vampires are creeps.
Yes, that's why one slays them.
People are perfectly happy|getting along, then vampires come.
They run around and kill people and take over|your house and make stupid mini-pizzas Uh, Buffy I believe the subtext here|is rapidly becoming a a text.
- Sure there's nothing you want to share?|- No.
Forget it.
Think there'll be any more? I can wait.
- If you say one more word, things'll get dire.
|- Did you even bother to taste 'em? No! Well, I did.
And I'm here to tell ya,|those mini-pizzas have changed my life.
Ted is the master chef.
Fine.
He's a good cook.
|What does that really tell you? - Everything.
|- You don't like him.
I don't know him.
So far all I see is|someone who apparently has a good job, .
.
seems nice and polite,|and my mother likes him.
What kind of a monster is he? There's something|too clean about this clown.
He's a clean clown! - I have my own fun.
|- Buff, you're lacking evidence.
- I think we're in Sigmund Freud territory.
|- He has a point.
Separation anxiety, the mother figure taken|away, conflict with the father figure - He's not my father figure.
|- Having issues much? - I am not!|- # You're having parental issues! - # You're having parental issues!|- Xander Freud would have said the exact same thing.
- He might not have done that little dance.
|- OK, I admit it's weird.
Seeing my mother Frenching a guy is a|ticket to therapy-land, but it's more than that.
I'm good at sensing things and|there is something wrong with this Ted.
- Ted!|- Of course.
Who'd you think I meant? - Hi, Ted Ted who's here.
|- Hello, kids.
- What are you doing here?|- Updating the software.
Which reminds me.
Your upgrades.
- Oh, what a day! Thank you.
|- Think nothing of it.
- Buffy, do you like miniature golf?|- Who doesn't? Your mother and I thought this Saturday|we'd drag the three of you to the course, .
.
spend time swinging the iron|with the stuffy old people.
- Well|- I'm making a picnic basket.
- With mini-pizzas?|- And cookies.
You know what? We would love to, but|unfortunately we have that thing on Saturday.
Oh, that thing! That thing, Hey, we can do that thing any time.
|I'm tired of doin' that thing.
We're on.
Great! Hello, Jenny.
Rupert.
Hi.
Some of your textbooks|were delivered to the library.
Do you want me to hang on to them? Yeah, that's fine.
|I'll send the kids by to pick 'em up.
Right.
Good.
Pretty flimsy excuse for comin' by to see me.
You should have heard the ones I threw out! Well, I just wanted to|see how you were doing.
I'm doin' pretty good, actually.
I've stayed out of mortal danger|for three whole weeks.
I could get used to it.
I'm still having trouble sleeping, though.
Of course.
Um, you need time.
Or possibly space.
|Rupert, I know you're concerned.
But having you constantly pokin' around,|makin' puppy-dog eyes, askin' if I'm OK You make me feel bad that I don't feel better.
I don't want that responsibility.
I'm sorry.
I certainly don't mean to make .
.
dog eyes at you.
- I'm just|- Worried.
I know.
I shouldn't have bothered you.
Mom's like "Will Ted like this?|Ted's teachin' me computers.
" "Ted said" And I'm like "Great, Mom.
"|She said I was being sarcastic.
- I'm sorry if I don't talk about Ted all day!|- So you're gonna talk about somethin' else? I'm sorry.
I just have so much to deal with.
|I don't need some new guy in my life.
No? Maybe your mom does.
Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom! Loneliness is about|the scariest thing there is.
OK, so my mom needs a guy in her life.
- Does it have to be Ted?|- You have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there|that would satisfy you? My dad.
Yeah, OK, that's not gonna happen.
Fine, fine.
I'll give Ted a chance.
I'll play minigolf and I'll smile and|curtsey and be the dutiful daughter.
Do I have to like him? - Kiss me.
|- Finally something I wanna do! Ah! The dreaded five-par cuckoo clock! Ha! So many have come,|so few have conquered.
That picnic was delicious!|It's rare to find a man that cooks.
I know.
I've been looking a long time for one! Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around|the block trying to get a date with you.
- Not really.
|- Oh, they are, but she's only interested in Uh, her studies! Book-cracker Buffy.
It's kind of her nickname.
I'm glad to hear it.
I bet that means|your grades will be picking up soon.
My grades? - How does he know about my grades?|- I told him.
He wants to know everything about you.
|He's concerned.
That's a good thing.
Ooh, nice shot, Ted! Keep your eye on the ball.
|Watch those elbows! Oh, bad luck, little lady! - Oh, we won't count it.
|- We won't? - It's just miniature golf.
|- It is, but the rules are the rules.
What we teach her is what she takes|into the world when we're not there, .
.
whether it's at school|or an unchaperoned party.
I won't overstep my bounds.
|It's between you and your mother.
I just think right is right.
He has a point.
Fine.
I'll just go hit my ball from the rough.
Hey, how about that? Got a hole in two! Beg to differ.
OK, so fine my score or whatever.
I think you're missing the point here,|little lady.
Right is right.
Wrong is wrong.
|Why don't people see that? - It's just a game?|- Right, it's just a game, do your own thing.
Well, I'm not wired that way.
|And I'm here to tell you .
.
it is not a game, it does count, and I don't|stand for that kind of malarkey in my house! Then it's a good thing I'm not in your house.
Do you want me to slap|that smart-ass mouth of yours? Who's up for dessert?|I made chocolate-chip cookies! - Yummy!|- Cookies! Yeah, I made too many, so you guys|are gonna have to take some home.
Mm! Buffy, you've got to try one of these.
|They're really good.
Mm! These are tasty! - Good morning, sunshine.
|- Hey.
I've got juice, I've got sticky buns.
|Don't they smell good? Ted made them.
What? I'd just like to eat something|that Ted didn't make.
- What kind of an attitude is that?|- I know you think he's great He went out of his way to be nice and you|couldn't say two words to him on Saturday.
I do not expect you to love him right away|like I do, but I want you to treat him decently.
You love him? I don't know.
That just slipped out But I guess.
- It's not like men beat down the door|- .
.
when you're a single parent.
I wouldn't have anything to do with anybody|who didn't care about you, but he does.
I don't understand why you can't see that.
- He threatened me.
|- What? He threatened me.
|He said that he was gonna slap my face.
He said no such thing.
|Honey, Ted told me what happened.
- He caught you cheating, didn't he?|- Yeah, I kicked my ball in.
Put me in jail.
- But he totally wigged.
|- Did he say anything in front of the others? - No, but I don't think that's|- I thought that was pretty decent of him.
Ted said we have to|give you time to come round.
Speaking of which, he's making dinner for us|tonight, so I'd like you home promptly at six.
Mm! This is so delicious! Check him out? Investigate him.
Find out his secrets.
- Can you say "overreaction"?|- Can you say "sucking chest wound"? Buffy, it just seems like you|want him to be corrupt or something.
- The guy lost his senses over minigolf.
|- Being a little uptight isn't a slaying offence.
Don't give me the look.
I'm on your side.
|But some things you have to accept.
And Ted ain't one of 'em.
- Hey, Cordy, nice outfit!|- Oh, very funny.
- Not really.
|- What are you saying? - Nice outfit?|- Why don't you just keep your mouth shut? Would you guys excuse me for a sec? What's up with them? - What's wrong?|- I gave you a compliment.
- In front of your friends.
They'll know.
|- Know what? Please! It's too traumatic|for me to even say it! That we kissed? I'm not gonna tell.
They're not gonna know.
|Not your friends, not my friends.
- Wanna go to the utility room and make out?|- God, is that all you ever think about? OK.
Well, I'm not wrong here.
Ted has a problem|with me.
He acts like I'm in the way.
- Mom's been different since he was around.
|- Different like happy? - Like Stepford.
Will you help me?|- You know I will.
- What do you want me to look for?|- Let's start small.
Find out where he works.
Yeah, it's a terrific product.
|No PC should be without it.
No, Mrs Lansdale,|it is not an inexpensive piece of software.
As a matter of fact,|it's a very expensive one, .
.
which removes the risk|of crashing your system.
Of course, if you prefer something cheap,|I can always recommend Trust me, you won't be sorry.
|Thank you very much.
Goin' to lunch! You're new, aren't ya? I'm Neal.
I'm B Linda.
Belinda.
I'm just temping for the day.
Wow! That guy's a salesman.
|He's the one to beat around here.
Nobody beats the Machine.
|The guy is a genius.
Knows everything about computers,|never loses a client.
If I sound bitter, I am.
Nobody likes an overachiever.
He's probably|got ex-wives and families to support.
He's just got a girlfriend.
|I'm amazed he let her clutter his desk.
Thank God he's takin' off for the wedding.
- The wedding?|- He's got it set for two months from now.
Believe me, I am counting the days.
Uh-oh, the Über-Boss.
Back to the salt mines.
We thank you for what|we are about to receive, .
.
and we ask that you bless this house and|help the people in it to be more productive, .
.
more considerate and more honest.
- Amen.
|- Amen.
Well, another great day at work.
How was|school today, Buffy? Did you learn anything? - Quite a bit.
|- Good for you.
- Well, Joycie, what do you think?|- Every home should have one of you.
It's fantastic! Don't you think? - Looks good.
|- Well, little lady, .
.
it's not just for looks.
|It's for building strong bodies.
Honey? Are you two engaged? - Goodness, no! What gave you that idea?|- Joycie, let me handle this.
Buffy, your mother and I are|taking it one step at a time.
And if things go the way I hope, .
.
maybe someday soon|I just might ask her to tie the knot.
How would you feel about that? It's OK to have feelings, Buffy,|and it's OK to express them.
- I'd feel like killing myself.
|- Buffy! No, no.
I told her to be honest.
Sweetheart, you should try and|get used to me, cos you know what? I'm not going anywhere.
- May I be excused?|- You can go to your room, young lady.
That's where you can go.
Ted, I am so embarrassed.
|I don't know what's wrong with her.
Joycie, you don't get to be salesman of the|year by giving up after a couple of rejections.
She'll come round.
Vampires! Here, vampires! - What are you doing in here?|- Your mother told you to go to your room.
She didn't mean climb out|a window and go gallivanting.
First of all, this is my room.
Second - Have you been through my things?|- Yes, I have.
That's personal.
How dare you! I don't see how it's different from|you snooping around my office.
What exactly is a "vampire slayer"? - It's none of your business.
|- Beg to differ, little lady.
Everything you do is nothing|but my business from now on.
- I think you'd better get out of here.
Now!|- Or what? You'll slay me? I'm real.
I'm not some goblin|you made up in your little diary.
Psychiatrists have a word|for something like this: delusional.
So from now on you'll do what I say|when I say, or I show this to your mother.
And you'll spend your best|dating years inside a mental institution.
Your mother and I are going to be happy.
|You're not going to stand in the way.
Sleep tight.
That's mine, and you are not|leaving this room with it.
- Take your hand off me.
|- No.
I was so hoping you'd do that.
Buffy, stop that! Stop it! Ted Ted! Ted! You killed him! Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein.
Sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions.
Your relationship with the deceased? - We were, um, seeing each other.
|- Can you tell me what happened? He fell.
Down the stairs.
He fell.
I see.
Did he slip?|Do you know what made him fall? I hit him.
I hit him.
He was in my room|and we got into an argument.
About what? He Was this the first time that|you two had had an argument? No.
He threatened me.
|He said that he would slap me.
- That was tonight?|- No.
But he had my diary, and I tried to|take it back, and that's when he hit me.
Where? It doesn't look like he hit you very hard.
- I don't bruise easily.
|- You've been hit before? - Yes.
|- But Ted never hit you? - I told you|- Before tonight? - Ted never hit you before tonight?|- What do you want? - I told you what happened.
I didn't mean to.
|- I believe you.
Things got out of hand.
He's a big guy.
- Are you charging her?|- We're not bringing anything against her yet.
She says Mr Buchanan struck her.
If it's true Anyway, we've gotta examine it further.
Right now you should take her home and|the two of you should try and get some rest.
Buffy! - Are you OK?|- How come you're here? I couldn't stay at home.
|Mom won't even look at me.
What happened?|Unless you don't wanna talk about it.
We had a fight and I lost my temper.
|Really let him have it.
The paper said he fell.
He fell.
Hard.
- What was he?|- What? What was he? A demon? A giant bug? A dark|god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean,|we are talking creature feature here, right? - Oh, man.
|- I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
He started it.
Yeah that defence only works|in six-year-old court, Will.
Court?|Are they charging you with something? I don't know.
Not yet.
He was a person and I killed him.
- Don't say that.
|- Why not? Everyone else is.
- And it's the truth.
|- It was an accident.
I'm the Slayer.
|I had no right to hit him like that.
Look, Buffy, I don't know|what happened exactly, but I do know you.
I know you would never hurt|anyone intentionally.
Unless Unless they were dating my mother? I gotta go.
Buffy! Are you all right? Stupid question.
I'm sorry.
|If there's anything you need, just ask.
What's going on? Oh, you needn't worry about them.
They're|just asking a few questions.
Your behaviour Um, I Of course, I told them you, uh Man, this is killin' me! That bastard was up to|somethin'.
If I could get my hands on him - .
.
earlier this week|- I thought you liked him.
I sometimes like things|that are not good for me.
Besides, no way does Buffy put|the big hurt on an innocent man.
- Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.
|- We've gotta prove that somehow.
- Xander, do you have a pen?|- If Buffy is jailed because of that creep, .
.
I'm gonna lose it.
He's gotta be in there.
A history of domestic violence,|a criminal record Ooh! Cookies! - Buffy's the Slayer.
Shouldn't she have|- What, a licence to kill? Not for fun, but she's like this superman.
|Shouldn't she have different rules? - Sure, in a fascist society.
|- Right! Why can't we have one of those? - Buffy's not going to jail.
It's not fair.
|- Whatever the authorities have planned, .
.
it can't be much worse than what she's|doing to herself.
She's taken a human life.
The guilt is pretty hard to bear.
|It won't go away soon.
You should know, since you helped|raise that demon that killed a guy.
Yes.
Do let's bring that up|as often as possible.
So, Giles, you takin' over tonight? Buffy's not in any shape to patrol.
The least|I can do is pick up the slack.
Someone has to.
- You shouldn't go out without the Slayer.
|- Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, - .
.
there is no Slayer.
|- If you need help No, Buffy needs your help more than I.
|Cary on investigating.
Find out as much about|this Buchanan chap as possible.
Be careful.
I will.
Ted's got no criminal record.
|Damn, this guy's like citizen of the year! Don't sweat it.
It'll be fine.
- Don't sweat it?|- Yeah, cute buddy! We'll work it out.
No worries.
- What happened to "this is killing me"?|- Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems.
Can I help? It's done.
I've been meaning to|clean out this junk for months.
Do you have homework? - I didn't mean to hurt him.
|- I don't wanna talk about this.
- Mom, please, you have to know|- I can't.
Not yet.
Please, Buffy, just go to your room.
- OK|- What do we know? Well, apparently the secret|ingredient is not love.
- What is it?|- I'm not positive, but I think it's dekfatorin.
It's like a tranquilliser.
|Keeps you all mellow and compliant.
It also shares a few|components with ecstasy.
This is evidence! This is real evidence|that Ted was some kind of crook.
Buffy's cleared.
Willow,|you are the best human ever, I adore you! That's the cookies talkin', but you rock! Your search finally hit pay dirt.
I got personal records,|marriage certificates, and an address.
Well, let's check it out.
Get our Slayer back|on her feet before somebody else gets hurt.
- I get that reaction from men all the time!|- Jenny, what are you doing here? I saw your car.
I wanted to apologise.
- Now's not the best time|- No, please, let me just get this out.
I was so harsh the other day.
I am so sorry.
I mean, I know how badly you must feel|about putting me in danger before.
Imagine how I must feel now.
Mom? To hell with this! She nailed it shut.
Well, it's official.
|This day can't get any worse.
Beg to differ.
- You died.
|- That's right, little lady.
You killed me.
Do we have something to say about that?|Are we sorry? - What are you?|- I'm a salesman.
That's what you should have remembered.
|No matter how you put him down, .
.
a good salesman always bounces back.
My bow! See, I had to shut down for a while|to get you off my back.
You should have seen the intern's face when|I got up.
It was a hoot! Fun's over, though.
Say good night, big guy! Oh, God! Oh, no! Nice shot, lady! That wasn't playin' fair, missy! You're gonna find Hell of a day!|Makes you feel like you're 18 again! .
.
that I don't like being disobeyed! Don't worry about me and your mother.
|We're gonna be very happy.
Careful! Let's look around.
- I'll take the back.
|- Check for cookies.
For evidence! So far I've counted four marriage certificates.
- Any divorce papers?|- Not a one.
- So, either our boy was a Mormon, or|- Whoa! 1951? Ted must have married young.
|Like, pre-school young.
Nothing interesting.
Doesn't look|like anybody works or lives here.
Something's missing here.
|This doesn't seem like Ted at all.
Yeah, and this rug,|it doesn't go with the rest of the decor.
Buffy I'm sorry.
I know you didn't mean to - Joyce?|- Ted! Is it really? But you were I'm OK.
I'm OK.
I don't understand this.
You were dead! They said I was dead for six minutes.
|Any longer would have caused brain damage.
- Why didn't they tell us?|- Nobody knew.
In the morgue,|I was unconscious for almost a day.
An intern found me.
It's a miracle, Joyce.
- Oh, Ted!|- I know.
Oh, my God! Buffy! Ted, she never meant to hurt you.
|You have to believe me.
You don't have to worry about Buffy.
|Don't worry about anything.
Daddy's here.
Feels like home|if it's the fifties and you're a psycho.
What you got in the closet, Ted? Let's go.
- But we need evidence.
|- We got it.
- What's in there?|- His first four wives.
You know what brought me back, Joyce?|It was you.
I couldn't go into that light.
|I had to come back for you.
I'm gonna make you so happy.
- You should sit down.
|- I feel fine.
Never better.
Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first,|before she sees you, cos I'm sure Do we have to worry about Buffy right now?|How about Teddy? He's the one who died! I'm sorry, I just - I don't know what to do.
|- Don't I always tell you what to do? I'm going to make things right.
|Then you and I Want a little gravy with that? .
.
can go away where|no one will bother us again.
Ted, I I think you might|wanna rest for a while.
You might wanna stop telling me what to do.
|I don't take orders from women.
I'm not wired that way.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
- I think I'm all right.
|- No, you're in shock.
No, really, I don't think it went in too deep.
The advantages of layers of tweed.
|It's better than Kevlar.
Oh.
OK, we have to get you to the hospital.
- Ow! Ow! Let's move slowly, shall we?|- Sorry.
OK.
What? What is it? Some night, huh? Hey, you really know how|to woo a girl back, don't ya? Hospital.
I think I could use a drink.
Uh, to celebrate.
- We should probably be hitting the road.
|- Hitting the road? You'll love the house.
It's furnished|just the way you like it.
I spent a lot of Telling me what to do!.
.
time decorating.
- Well, then, I'd probably better go pack.
|- I already have your clothes.
They're your size.
They're always your size.
You left me once,|but I keep bringing you back.
Husband and wife is forever.
Forever.
- Let's go.
|- Ted, let go, please.
Get off me! Fine, then.
I'll have to cary you.
Buffy, come out! I don't stand for|this kind of malarkey in my house! Uncle Teddy This house is mine, Buffy, how about a nice game of Parcheesi? D'you wanna rent a movie tonight? - That sounds like fun.
|- Just nothing with horror in it.
Or romance.
Or men.
- So we're Thelma and Louise-ing it again?|- Good call.
I still think he's gonna jump out at me, .
.
especially after what the police found|in his house.
It's just too horrible.
I wouldn't worry.
He's not coming back.
- I wish I could be so sure.
|- Trust me.
He's on the scrapheap.
Of life.
So I'm Ted, the sickly loser.
I'm dying|and my wife dumps me.
I build a better Ted.
He brings her back, holds her hostage|in his bunker-o-love until she dies.
And then he keeps|bringing her back over and over.
That's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
The sad part is, the real Ted was a genius.
|There were design features that predate Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Not any big ones.
Oh, Will, you're supposed|to use your powers for good.
- But I just wanna learn stuff.
|- Like how to build your own serial killer? - It's so hard to rent one nowadays.
|- Can we drop it? Absolutely.
I plan to forget it all|and pick up where we left off.
OK, that's it.
I give up.
Do I have to sound|an air horn every time I walk into a room? What is it with grown-ups these days?