Code Monkeys (2007) s02e11 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Woz!
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Black Steve:
Thank you, easy credit
and supply-side
economics.
My new Yaffa Blocks are
the bomb.
Clare: You know, we should take
field trips to
the Sunnyvale Mall more often.
I love my new
shoulder massager.
It fits perfectly in my
va--shoulder.
Todd: Indeed. Summer is upon us.
And these new OP shorts display
my mighty thighs magnificently
if I do say so myself.
I am the Adonis
of this workplace.
Dave: Seriously, dude, it's like
you're begging me, "Dave,
please kick my ass."
Luckily for you, I'm wearing my
new Vans,
and I don't want to get Todd ass
all over them.
Mary: It's weird, but today,
I almost like you guys.
Or perhaps it's just the feeling
of having something I can trust
between my legs.
Dave: Credit rules!
Jerry: My new TV
watch is the best.
I can use it to check
the weather
so I don't wear sandals
when it rains.
That reminds me, I better check.
News announcer on TV:
This just in.
The bloated video game industry
is in a terrible slump.
Console sales are down. Game
sales are in the old crapper.
Looks like tech nerds are in for
a fast slide
down the poop tube.
If I was in Silicon Valley,
I'd start tightening my belt.
Todd: Alas! This belt can be
tightened no more.
Dave: Todd, pull
your shorts down.
You're giving me nightmares.
I can see your Bilbo Baggins.
Jerry: Wait. I don't understand
what's happening.
News announcer: It's their own
fault, Janice.
If you serve people crap
and they don't eat it,
then you have to.
Speaking of crap, did you ever
play that "E.T." game? Horrible!
Dave: Hey, screw you.
Jerry: Owie!
You broke my wrist, jerk!
Larrity: OK, who's got
a hot pitch for me?
Todd: How can we pitch at
a time like this?
This video game crash has put
our livelihoods in peril.
P.S. my groin sweat has rendered
these OP shorts unreturnable.
Dave: And my lunch
un-keep downable.
Larrity: Choke your gosh-durn
barfs back and calm down!
I've been through plenty of
market tumbles.
Mary: How did you
make it through?
Larrity: Well, let's see. Back
in '78, Mrs. Larrity number 6
died in a tragic strangling
accident.
I got some big-time coin
out of that.
Jerry: Oh, great. Now we're all
gonna be broke.
Larrity: Easy there, cowgirl.
All you gots to do is dip into
your savings.
Dave: What are savings?
I want one.
Todd: But all my gold has
a delicious chocolate center.
Black Steve: Chocolate center?
That is some racist noise.
Mary: Wait. GameAVision is
financially solid, right?
Larrity: GameAVision is solid
as morning wood,
solid as a nun's backhand,
solid as a Gobi Desert booger,
my prenup, ball tumor,
a cheerleader's chesticles.
Dave: OK, stop.
You're making me horny.
Larrity: My point is that there
is absolutely no chance that
I'm as overextended
as a pervert's pecker
in a panty tornado.
You people will have your jobs
tomorrow come rain or shine,
I swear to goat.
Jerry: That's a huge
relief, sir. Thank you so much.
Mary: Did he just swear
"to goat"?
I knew he swore to goat.
Black Steve: Man, if I had
a dollar for every time
I was disappointed by
the white man,
I'd be a millionaire.
And this game crash can suck
my [bleep].
Dave: Don't worry, guys.
I have a plan.
Mary: This was the plan?
Dave: You don't like it,
you can drink somewhere else.
Get out of here!
Jerry: Ow!
Mary: This is stupid.
We are skilled people.
We just have to apply to
wealthier, better managed
game companies.
Todd: Mary, I want you to know
that I have always respected you
as a programmer.
Mary: Wow. Thanks, Todd.
That was actually nice.
Todd: Unfortunately, the only
way to usurp your power is
to kill you
and wear your skin as a cape.
Let it begin! Aah!
Mary: Now go away.
You're gonna blow this interview
for me.
Boy: Run for your life.
They're eating brains.
Todd: I see the zombie wars
have begun.
My only chance for survival is
to align myself
with the undead.
Victim: No, man. They're just
programmers looking
for a free meal.
Todd: Eat her first,
but save the skins for me.
Dave: OK, Jerry, when they come
in for the interview,
let me do the talking.
No offense, dude, but you do not
know how to talk to people.
Ed: Welcome to Midway.
My name is Ed Boon.
Jerry: Well, first off, thanks
for making such great games.
I hear you're doing some really
cutting-edge stuff here.
Dave: He's kidding.
"Rampage" sucked.
Ed: That's a hit game!
What about "Defender,"
"Gauntlet," "Spy Hunter"?
Dave: Uh, dumb. Don't care.
Lame. What was the last one?
Ed: Look, I'm fans of your work
at GameAVision,
but these are tough times.
All I can offer you is
entry-level jobs.
Jerry: Oh, believe me, we'll
take them.
Dave: No, we won't.
Screw you, dude.
We are serious talent, and when
you're ready to make us
a serious offer, you know how to
reach us.
Ed: No, I don't.
Dave: Then you'll be hearing
from my lawyer.
Ed: That doesn't make any sense.
Dave: Oh, doesn't it?
Or does it? Let's go, Jerry.
Jerry: I am so sorry.
Dave: OK, you want to play
hardball?
We can play hardball
all day long.
You give us good jobs, or I'm
gonna tell everybody
you tried to snorkel my chud.
Jerry's my witness.
Ed: That's it. Finish them!
[Four-armed fighter snarls]
-Aah!
-And stay out!
Dave: Oh, those dudes do not
know how to talk to people.
Dave: So, uh, we can't get jobs.
Let's look on the bright side.
We're getting drunk.
That's positive.
Jerry: Ugh. Why did I become
a programmer
instead of learning a practical
skill?
Clare: No job means
no health insurance.
Who's gonna pay for my
vagina pills now?
Benny: Stop complaining.
Boo-hoo, you got syphilis.
Boo-hoo, you a sad loser.
So what?
GameAVision not just my job.
It's my house.
Now Benny got no house.
Wow. Can't be.
You moved your ass!
Todd: More mead, wench.
Jerry: Black Steve, what are you
doing at the mall
in the middle of the day?
Black Steve: I work here.
I'm an accountant at
H and R Black, bitch.
Mary: Wait a minute.
The solution to our problem is
all around us--the mall.
This place is filled with
employment opportunities.
Dave: Show us your [bleep] or
get the [bleep] off the stage.
Todd: The boob troll is right.
Jerry: Yeah.
We can all get jobs right here
and still see
each other every day.
Mary: Yay!
Todd: Whereth?
Waitress: Your bill, sir.
Dave: Ugh. Drinking yourself to
death is expensive.
Waitress: We're hiring here at
Stink-E-Cheese.
Dave: We're also hiring in my
pants.
Care to apply for a position?
Waitress: Jim!
Jim: Hey,
what's the problem here?
Waitress: This unemployed bum
ran up a $600 tab.
Dave: Dude, I never
even seen $600.
Jim: Then it looks like you
got a job
working for Stink-E-Cheese.
Dean: Yo, that looks
like you, Dad.
Larrity: Of course it does, boy!
I used to own this here novelty
company.
And today we're taking her back.
Hyah!
This here's a corporate raid.
Hee-yah!
Dean: Yeah, give me your
panties. What's up?
Clerk: Mr. Larrity?
Larrity: How do you know
my name, woman?
Dean: She's a witch! Give me
3 wishes, witch.
Larrity: Quiet, boy. Lady, tell
me how you know my name,
or I'm feeding you to the hogs.
Clerk: Mr. Larrity, I work
for you.
You still own this company.
Larrity: I do?
Clerk: Yes. When your ex-wife
died,
ownership reverted to you.
We thought that was why you
killed her.
Larrity: What? What?
What was that?
Clerk: Nothing. Just please
put down the guns.
Larrity: Looks like I'm back
in business. Hot damn!
Let's make some novelties.
Mary: Something has gone
horribly wrong.
I have a foam pretzel
on my head.
Jerry: What are you
talking about?
We still get to be work buddies,
only now we work at
The Pink Pretzel instead of
GameAVision.
Mary: I'm gonna go stick my head
in the pretzel oven.
Kevin: Ha ha. I'm impressed,
Jerry.
You've been at Pink Pretzel
for just two hours,
but from what I see, you've got
management potential.
Jerry: Wow. Thanks, Kevin.
I've never been praised before.
It feels really good.
Kevin: And guess what, buddy.
I'm making you the
assistant manager, or as we say
in the biz, my
Pink Pretzel First Lady.
Jerry: Oh, my gosh.
The Pretzel First Lady!
Wow. Finally.
The respect I deserve.
I think I was underappreciated
at my last workplace, Kevin.
Kevin: I know you were, Jerry.
Heh!
And here's the sweet part.
Banging mall chicks is way
easier when you got
the assistant manager hat.
Oh! Whoo! Look at that.
Jerry: Yeah, having sex with
ladies is cool.
Kevin: [Bleep] yeah, it is, Jer.
All right. Listen, I got to go
to the bathroom
and help some ladies with
a plumbing problem, heh,
if you know what I mean.
Jerry: You mean sex with a lady.
Kevin: Word. Hey, time for
Natalie from the Brewing Company
to practice her chugging.
Heh heh! This might take a while
because, uh, I hear
she's a [bleep].
Jerry: OK, Mary, Olivia,
there's a new
Pretzel First Lady in town,
and her name is me.
Mary: You've got to be kidding.
Jerry: I'm as serious as
a heart attack, missy,
and I've got news for you.
If you've got time to lean,
you've got time to clean.
Now, get to it.
Olivia: You're so cool.
Jim: You work for a bitch
called Stink-E-Cheese now, man.
Dave: How hard can it be?
You serve pizza to children,
then let them play violent
video games,
some of which I made, like
"Wrath of Bong" over there.
Awesome. Hey, this sort of makes
me an expert.
Jim: Let me tell you something.
Stink-E-Cheese is hardcore.
Dave: Ooh.
How much do I make as a waiter?
Jim: Not enough, dude.
Dave: Hmm, then I'll have to
find a way
to supplement my income.
Roger: And over here is
the bodily waste department,
rubber division.
Clerk: Mr. Larrity,
I made you this plate of
brownies
to welcome you back to
the company.
Larrity: Oh, I get it. You took
a dump in the brownies,
and now you wants me to eat it.
I'm game.
Hi, everybody! Look at me.
I'm eating butt fudge.
Clerk: Why would you say that
about my brownies?
[Sobbing]
Larrity: You don't get it.
I love getting tricked into
eating [bleep].
Oh, Dave used to do it to me
all the time.
Dave: Sorry, Todd. I can't let
you in here. See my shirt?
Todd: I have applied everywhere,
but no one in this infernal mall
will employ me.
Clearly, I'm too overqualified.
David, I implore you to help me.
Dave: Fine. First off, if you
want to work here,
you have to wear a Speedo.
All right.
Your job is to climb into
the pizza ovens
and scrape off the burnt cheese,
but you got to do it
while it's hot or it won't
come off.
Todd: Question: May I eat
the scrapings?
-No.
-Damn.
Barry: You guys used to be
programmers, right?
Dave: What do you care, possum?
Barry: Yeah, I was
a programmer, too.
Barry Sackwell.
I created hand-held baseball in
the '70s.
Dave: And now you're living
the dream.
You're at Stink-E-Cheese.
Sweet!
Barry: Dream? Huh.
It's a nightmare.
Not the possum pouch.
Not the possum pouch.
Ohh!
Larrity: All right, people.
I want to hear your ideas
for fresh novelties.
What you got?
Roger: How about a squirting
hand buzzer.
Man: Nice one, Roger.
Larrity: That's what I got at
the massage parlor last week.
[Fires pistol]
Hyah! What else?
Woman: What about
a rubber turkey?
Larrity: Make it a talking
vagina, and we gots a winner.
Woman: No, I will not.
Larrity: Boy, this place sucks
harder than an angry anteater.
Dave came up with better gags
when he was getting
his stomach pumped.
Dean, sales chart. You see,
we want sales to go up.
[Firing pistol]
Sales should be like my fifth
wife and never go down. Hyah!
Clerk: Sir, weapons are not
allowed in this office.
Larrity: Then how did you sneak
them sweet-ass sweater cannons
in here, sugar?
Man: Mr. Larrity, I'm going to
have to interrupt you now
and strenuously suggest
you attend
a sexual harassment seminar with
our HR specialist.
Larrity: Dang it!
You're probably right.
I'm getting old,
and my harassment
ain't what it used to be.
"Sweater cannons"? Heck.
I must seem like a dinosaur.
Heh. I'd love to say
something like, "Let's just make
whoopie, and then I'll
pooh-pooh all over you." Ha!
That'd get a rise out of you
young'uns.
Dave: Don't touch me, Todd.
Todd: Do you see who that is
over there?
Dave: Some kid. What about it?
Todd, laughing: Some kid!
That is Steve Wiebe,
possibly the greatest
young player alive.
He has high scores on my most
diabolical games.
"Orc Dancer"
and "Space Laser 3,"
he finished in under 2 hours.
Dave: Oh, why don't you marry
him, crazy man?
Todd: Perhaps in time I will,
when he is of legal age.
Command me, great one.
Steve Wiebe: Mister, are you
having a stroke
because I don't want to quit
"Orc Dancer," but I will
if you're having a stroke.
People are more important
than high scores.
Todd: Steve Wiebe, my eye has
been upon you for years.
Someday, you will rise above
mere mortals.
How may I help you defeat
the dancing orcs?
Steve Wiebe: Hmm, I guess I
could use a soda.
Todd: And so soda you shall
have, my young paladin.
Black Steve: You only made
$8,000 last year?
You should kill yourself
right now.
In fact, that would be a great
way to save on your taxes. Here.
You could use this.
Clare: Hey, B.S.
I got a job at
the information booth.
Sad people ask me where stores
are that have clothes
they'll never fit into.
Who is "Hand R. Black?"
Black Steve: It's H and R Black,
you dumb cracker.
Clare: You're selling crackers?
Jerry: If you ladies think that
you can handle the stand alone
for a sec, I'm gonna take a few
pretzels to some of
our other vendors.
Mary: Whatever, mustache.
Octavia: Jerry's cool, huh? Heh.
Mary: Uh, no.
Octavia: Yeah! He has a car
and his own house.
Mary: Apartment,
and it's a studio.
Octavia: He's an artist, too?
Shut up!
Mary: No. Unless you count
crying as an art.
Octavia: Ohh, he must be
sensitive.
Mary: Could you stop talking?
Octavia: He doesn't like you
because you're so old, huh?
That's really sad.
I mean, I don't know because I'm
not old, but when I look at you
it must be sad.
You're old.
[Mary growls]
[Video game sound effects]
Dave: Hey, what are you guys
playing?
Benny: Oh, we're playing
the "Wrath of Bong,"
stranger man I don't know.
It's the most awesome game
on the street.
Hey, you got to try it out, OK?
Dave: Wow. Sure looks cool.
Say, how would you like to make
a bet with old Dave,
who's never seen
"Wrath of Bong"?
Benny: You promise you never
played it?
Dave: Cross my nuts
and hope to get high. Yeah!
Benny: Wow. You're on.
Jake will play you for every
quarter you got, right, guys?
Jake: Oh, man! That was
every quarter
I ever earned waxing
my dad's back.
Dave: Yes! Face.
Hey, do you kids know
where to buy some weed? Face.
Todd: David, get off
"Wrath of Bong."
My master returns and may wish
to play.
You've designed it, after all.
Surely you've seen it enough
by now.
Kid: What?
Jake: You said you never even
played it before!
Dave: I lied. You want to do
something about it, little kid?
Aah.
Benny: Sorry, Dave.
I got to make it look real.
Dave: Barry, I just got my ass
kicked and robbed
by little kids.
This job sucks.
How do you stay positive, man?
Barry: I don't. Programming
was the best job I ever had.
Then one day, I saw some kid on
the street playing my game.
He said it sucked. I choked
the [bleep] out of him.
Now I'm a 45-year-old
fake marsupial.
Every night I pray for death.
[Gagging]
Dave: Seems like it's working.
Barry: I have a grand
in my pouch.
If you kill me, it's yours.
Something painless, though,
like a clean head shot.
Nothing with fire.
Dave: Come on.
It can't be that bad. At least
you get to drink in there.
And I bet you could barf out
your eyeballs.
Teenager: Look, it's
Stink-E-Cheese.
You know what I'm hungry for?
Barbecue possum.
Barry: Aah!
Dave: Flame that dude,
then pass him back.
That is not how he
wanted to go.
But, hopefully, the offer is
still good.
Nothing but ashes? What a dick.
You died for nothing!
Todd: My young master, for
Steven Wiebe, is there anything
this humble servant can do
for you?
Steve Wiebe: Uh, yeah.
I've told my parents about you,
and they said you sound weird,
and not to talk to you.
Todd: And will you defy them?
Steve Wiebe: No.
Because if I do, I can't play
video games anymore.
Todd: Young master, that is
preposterous.
You shall sail the seas of
gaming as a great warrior.
You need my firm, supple hand
holding on your tiller
with a firm grip.
Steve Wiebe: Spiderweb.
Spiderweb! Spiderweb!
Officer: Swarm! Swarm! Swarm!
Wait a minute. This is the same
bozo we caught
in the Renaissance fair sting.
Todd: And, again, I say to
you, officer, the baubles
for bosoms scandal was a setup.
Officer: Oh, sure.
Save it for the judge, fatty.
Todd: The young squire has
rejected my training.
Bail for our misunderstanding
cost me months of my treasure.
Laboring as an oven peasant is
humiliating,
and my immediate superior is
an imbecile.
Dave: Shut up. I'm awesome.
Mary: Yeah? Well,
Jerry's my boss. Enough said.
Jerry: You know what?
I love my job, and I'm not
afraid to say that.
Even when I don't have time to
lean, I still find
the time to clean.
Black Steve: Screw you, Jerry.
Jerry: Mary, you have 40 seconds
left on your break, so, uh,
heh heh.
Mary: Shut up.
Dave: Guys, I have seen
the future.
And in it we are all bitter
drunken possums.
And what happens to drunken
possums?
They get hit by a station wagon
and crawl under my porch to die.
And then they burn. Look,
we need to restore GameAVision
to its former half-assed glory.
We don't need Larrity. We'll
go there. We'll squat there
and pretend we're doing work,
and then I'm sure eventually
somebody will pay us money.
Clare: Yay! My vagina pills.
Todd: Uh! Why would you do that?
Dave: Uh, because I hate you.
Let's go, everybody.
Jerry: I'm sorry. I belong here.
Woman: And that's
what a personal boundary is.
Now, here are some more things
that we consider
to be off-limits
in the workplace:
sexual conduct of any kind.
Larrity: So something like this
would be off-limits.
Woman: Yes.
Larrity: I got you.
Woman: Take your hands off my
breasts.
Larrity: Can do.
Just tell me when.
Woman: Now. Also, off-limits are
words of a sexual nature.
Larrity: Like [bleep]?
Woman: Yeah, right.
Larrity: Or [bleep] me.
Woman: That's the same word,
just with a "me" after it.
Also, sexual propositions.
Larrity: Yeah.
But how do you feel about
sexual prepositions? Hee hee!
Woman: I'm not sure I follow.
Larrity: Inside, between,
through, under, behind,
and all over.
Woman: Mr. Larrity, please!
Larrity: Well, dang it, woman!
If you don't want it, why you
talking so hot?
You gots my varmint squirming
like a weasel in a sweat sock.
Woman: That right there!
That is sexual harassment.
Larrity: Oh, if Dave was here
right now, I'm sure
he'd say something delightfully
skewed to raise my spirit.
You know what? I can't do this.
Boobies, boobies, boobies!
Yee-ha!
Jerry: Welcome to The Pink
Pretzel. Can I help you?
Dave: Really? Is that all you
have to say to me?
Jerry: Would you like to try
our new pretzel bites?
Dave: Yes. But that's not
the point.
We're going to GameAVision to
get our old lives back.
Come on, man.
-Sorry, Dave.
I'm The Pink Pretzel
First Lady now.
I've finally found a place that
values me for me.
My employees respect me, I have
an awesome mustache,
and I have a hot girlfriend who
thinks I'm cool.
Isn't that right, Olivia?
Olivia: Are you talking about me
behind my back again, studley?
Dave: Whoa. I know you.
You're Rick Munzel's stepsister,
the sperm whale. She's 16, dude.
You're going to jail.
This is gonna be awesome.
Jerry: What? 16? Olivia!
Oh, gosh!
I knew our relationship was
too good to be true.
Thank goodness we only went to
first base.
Olivia: Jerry, no. I am ready
to be with an older man
and go to fifth base.
Dave: You only got to
first base? Wait. Fifth base?
Jerry: Yes. First base.
We held hands. Oh, man.
After this scandal comes out,
they're gonna strip me
of my duties as The Pink Pretzel
First Lady.
Dave: Look, sperm whale, if you
ever want to get blowholed,
give me a call.
Olivia: What the hell is
blowholed?
Dave: You don't have to play
innocent, sperm whale.
I know that you have gobbled
more squid than Moby Dick.
Olivia: See you on
the poop deck, sailor,
and bring some friends. Meow!
Ha ha.
Larrity: I'm sorry, people,
but you're all laid off
on account of the horrible fire.
Clerk: What fire?
Larrity: This'un right here.
Hyah!
Clerk: Oh! Fire. Aah!
Dean: Why'd you have
to burn it, Dad?
Larrity: Son, sometimes when you
love something,
you gots to set it free.
Other times, when that thing
becomes an inconvenience
and you'd be better off
with the insurance money,
then you gots to burn it.
Dean: Like Mom!
Larrity: Now you're
getting it, boy.
Dave: All right, everybody.
We run GameAVision now.
And we're gonna do it on
our terms.
Clarence and Black Steve, I need
you guys to pull those boards
off the window.
Mary and Clare, stand over there
and make out. Um
Clare: I'm game if Mary is.
Dave: Jerry and I are gonna set
up our own offices
and make some sweet video games.
Black Steve: There's that honky
that screwed us, over there.
Dean: Hey, Dad, look!
It's those people.
Mary: Too late, jerk-wads.
Mary: We're taking possession of
this turd bag you used to own.
Larrity: I'm the only one that
calls my company a turd bag.
Mary: Well, it's not
your company anymore. It's ours.
This is a people's revolution.
Todd: We will stand your tyranny
no longer, villain.
Mary: That's right.
Tell 'em, Dave.
Dave: Good thing you got here,
Mr. Larrity.
Mary just tried to turn
GameAVision into
a communist cult modeled after
the female reproductive system.
Sorry, Mary.
Mary: What?!
Larrity: Dave, I've missed your
honesty and your brownies.
Dean, pound these Reds into
some blood pudding.
Dean: You got it, bro.
Todd: Why would you do that?
Dave: Ow!
Clare: Oh, I think you broke
my back!
Dave: All right. Let that be
a lesson to you all.
Never trust me ever.
[Gunshots]
Larrity: Sorry I had to get
physical with some of you folks.
Huh. But I learned my lesson.
I ain't never giving up
GameAVision again.
Mary: That's all you have to say
after abandoning
and then assaulting us?
Larrity: Yup, that's all.
Now, who's got some fiery hot
pitches for us?
Dave: Sir, before we start, I'd
like to say welcome back by
presenting you with this bowl of
brownies.
Larrity: Boy, I hope you
[bleep] all over these.
Dave: Of course I did.
Mary: Wonder if The Pink Pretzel
will take me back.
Larrity: Yee-ha!
[Chomp]
Look at me, everybody!
I'm eating [bleep]!
Mary: We all are, Mr. Larrity.
We all are.
[Elephant trumpets]
Larrity: You know what?
I can't do this.
Boobies, boobies, boobies!