Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e11 Episode Script

- Hi, reg.
- Oh, hey.
- Ohh.
This burrito won't fit in this microwave.
Oh! Hey, reg, You mind if I use yours? [magical note.]
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
[humming.]
[door squeaks.]
[gasps.]
Oh, no.
- The door! - No! Uhh! Uh! [zapping.]
- Ooh AhUngh! [zapping stops.]
[door squeaks.]
Reggie.
Are you okay? - I'm a little warm, but, uh Other than that, I-- I think I'm all right.
- Ohh.
- Here's your steak burrito.
- Thanks, I-- - oh, boy.
- Wait.
- Yeah? - How do you know that this is a steak burrito? I-I think that that microwave Did something to you.
- I can see through tortillas.
Both: Awesome! [both laughing.]
[intense music.]
- Shredded chicken.
Shredded beef.
Carne asada.
Barbacoa.
Pinto bean.
Pulled pork.
- [laughs.]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Unfortunately, the see-through underwear The victoria's secret models were planning on wearing tonight Has not arrived.
Instead, they will be wearing Ponchos made of tortilla.
[audience booing.]
Both: Awesome! Yeah! [both laughing.]
- Someone help me! That man stole my baby! - I can help you, ma'am.
- No, no, no.
Reggie Your superpower is just that you can see through tortillas.
- Ah, man.
That's right.
Well, I guess we can't help you, lady.
- Sorry.
- [grunts.]
- Boys I couldn't help overhearing.
[sirens.]
terrorists have taken over The tortilla factory.
I can't send my men in there until we find out What kind of defenses they have.
- Tortillas on the windows, eh? - Leave it to me, sir.
[dramatic music.]
- Okay.
That works, too.
Rock on.
- Reggie, you have more than one superpower? - Yeah.
I mean, you were really into the tortilla one, So I just kind of focused on that.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey, that guy's eating A shrimp and chicken burrito.
- [laughs.]
[zap.]
- aah! [splat.]
- whoa! [both laughing.]
- Whah! - Ooh! [upbeat music.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! Tonight's guests, rainn wilson - comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang - Cowboy poet dalton wilcox.
And new friend contest, Featuring me, reggie watts, And your host, scott aukerman.
- comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang ah ha - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great show tonight.
Rainn wilson is here as well as cowboy poet dalton wilcox.
I'm scott aukerman, and, by the way, This is the only television show endorsed By former night court star harry anderson.
Isn't that right, harry? [upbeat jazzy music.]
Oh, thanks, harry.
All right, let's say hello to our good friend reggie watts.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, reg, what's shaking? - Well, other than san francisco In the earthquake of '89, not too much.
- San francisco earthq-- what are you talking about? - Well, my fans say they want me to be funnier.
- Okay, I'm game.
Hit it, reg-man.
[groovy music.]
- Uh, you ever--you ever been to a baseball game And wondered how come the different seats, They cost different prices? - 'cause they're closer to the field.
- Have you ever-- have you ever been down-- Have you ever walked out of the studio and been like, "I was just inside there"? Uh, you like chocolate? [chuckles.]
- Reggie, come on, man.
You don't need to be funnier.
We like you the way you are-- an unfunny piano player.
- Thanks, scott.
- All right, reg, we'll check back with you later.
- Okay.
- Well, we here at comedy bang! Bang! Love our friends on the wall.
We have deerhead, squirrelly, dr.
Ram.
But friends are a lot like jays.
There's always room for mohr.
So in that spirit, we're holding a contest, And it's up to you to decide Who's gonna be our next friend to join us up here on this wall.
Hit it, reg.
- new friend contest new friend contest - Our first contestant is buster the bunny.
The only thing buster likes more than hopping as high as he can Is nibbling on snacks, so you'd better keep a close eye On your carrots while buster here is around.
If you'd like to see us chop off buster's head And mount it on the wall, tweet #bustercbb.
Well, who do we have here? It's plucky the duck.
Plucky will stick with you through thick and through thin.
He's no fair feather friend.
If you'd like us to decapitate plucky, tweet #pluckycbb.
[duck quacks.]
And finally, here's a little lamb named baby.
Hi, baby.
One thing I know for certain, Baby here is as smart as they come.
There's no pulling the wool over her eyes.
If you'd like to see us slice open baby from throat to flank, Scoop out all of her guts, Drain her lifeless body of all of its fluid, And then replace the guts with rags and cotton, Tweet #babycbb.
All right, baby, we will check in with the vote A little bit later to see how it's going.
Okay? All right.
- new friend contest new friend contest - All right, let's get to our first guest.
They say the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain, But I saw this rainn on a plane in Spain.
They showed episodes of the office On my plane to madrid.
Please welcome rainn wilson.
[the office theme plays.]
Hi.
- Hi, scott.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hey, reggie.
[sighs.]
- Bop.
- [chuckles.]
- The office theme, huh? - I love it.
Yeah.
- It's good.
the office theme - [scatting.]
- Those were the lyrics to the office theme.
- Those are the words.
Play it again.
[scatting.]
[laughs.]
- fantastic.
A lot of people never knew that song had lyrics, And there they are.
- I wrote them.
- You wrote them? - Ka-ching.
Fssh! [imitates slot machine.]
Ching, ching, ching! Cherry, cherry, cherry! [trilling.]
[imitates money shuffling.]
Oh, yeah.
[imitates lighter flaming.]
ohh.
Whooah! - He's got a bomb.
- [imitates explosion.]
- Wait, I've got a gun.
- Aaah! - Hey, man.
- Aah! - Give me all that money.
- Pull the trigger! Pull the [bleep.]
trigger! - All right, man! [imitates gunshot.]
- pull it! Ohh! - Angel.
- [hums.]
watch the office - So, rainn, you play dwight schrute on the office.
You're so great on that.
- Thank you, scott.
- What were your lines in that project? - Um, it started like this.
Michael! Jim put my stapler in jell-o again.
Jim, what are you doing? I'm on the phone.
- Let's skip ahead to the final episode.
- Mm-hmm.
- What are your lines? - Angela, I love you so much.
- No, no, no, but-- - where's our baby? - That's who's the boss? - Oh, right, right, right.
Oh, the office.
- Do the office.
Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, sticking with the office, okay.
AngelaI love you so much.
- That is so great.
I didn't get a chance to see it.
So I really feel like-- - you didn't see the finale? - Finale, starts, soup to nuts.
I missed it.
- You didn't see any of the office? - I have my own tv show.
- No, it just hurts my feelings, 'cause I really respect you.
And I love what you do in comedy, And, um, And whatever this thing is that you do as well, and - Reggie saw it, right? - Did you see it? - I love that.
The english accents.
Just, like, what? - [whispering.]
no.
That's the other one.
- Wow.
Let's go on.
Next question.
- Okay.
- [clears throat.]
- Rainn, if you could change One thing about the world, what would it be? And you can't say "global warming.
" [scoffs.]
- Um, I would say climate change.
- Yeah, it's a big problem.
- Yeah.
- Rainn, tell me if this question is too personal.
- Okay.
- What sort of pill Should I take for my erectile dysfunction? - You should take a very large, Oblong pill.
- Okay.
- And swallow it through your urethra.
- Oh.
- And then - Ohh.
I like the way you think.
- I don't think.
I know.
- Is that--really? Is that what's going on down there? - Mm-hmm.
- Whoa.
[zipper unzips.]
- look at my pee hole.
Good? Get it? - I got it.
He's--he's fine.
- I can see it.
Yeah.
- He's fine where he is, I think, yeah.
That's, uh Wow.
- I got a question for you.
Why do you need to say urethra? - Come on, guys, it's the pee hole.
We all know it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Doctors.
- [scoffs.]
- So, rainn, if I could, I'd love to ask you A 4 million-part question.
- Okay, shoot.
Heh.
- Okay, first, what do you do to prepare for a role? Follow-up to that, did you have any formal training? Tangentially, do you like hip-hop, and do you like fun? Where did you grow up, and then, when you did grow up, Who became your favorite director? Why did I decide to ask such a long question? So after you decided to visit the burlingame Museum of pez memorabilia, Why in the world would you do an elaborate heist? of the question, Do you enjoy cooking chili in a cauldron? Oh, and 4 million, what are you working on now? - [clears throat.]
To prepare for a role, I do extensive research.
I have not had any formal acting training, per se.
The third part of your question, Yes, I like hip-hop, and I like fun.
I've always wanted to be an actor.
And, yeah, I probably would've dodged the draft.
I think you decided to ask such a long question, 'cause, frankly, you care.
And, yeah, I do like quality products at a fair price.
Yes.
No.
No.
Yes.
I have enjoyed cooking chili in a cauldron.
And, finally-- no, no new projects.
Just spending some time With my family.
- [weakly.]
thank you, rainn.
- Great questions, scott.
I love you, man.
- I love you, too.
- I love you.
- We'll be right back with more rainn wilson And cowboy poet dalton wilcox.
Come on back.
[upbeat music.]
- new friend contest, new friend contest [game show-style music.]
- Penguin animated movie.
Forced into the sex trade by his parents.
- Sounds great.
Hey, we're here with rainn wilson.
Welcome back to the show.
And cowboy poet dalton wilcox Will be joining us in just a little bit.
But, hey, this is the part of the show Where reggie gets to ask a question.
So, reggie, do you have anything for rainn here? - Yeah.
Chili: Cauldron or not? - [scoffs.]
reggie, I already asked that.
- Oh.
- All right, well, healthy eating Can be difficult, but by making Smart choices at mealtime, You can win the war of the waistline.
It's time for chews to lose.
[upbeat organ music.]
[beeping.]
I'm here at this fast-food restaurant To see what people are eating, So I can offer them some healthy, Nutritious alternatives to their high-calorie lunches.
It's chews to lose.
- ba ba da ba ba, ba ba, da da - What's your name? - Clarke.
- Clarke.
Okay, so what do we have here? - This is kind of my usual.
I got the double cheeseburger.
- Okay, stop right there.
So, clarke Double cheeseburger, that's pretty unhealthy, right? - Yeah.
- So what do you say, Instead of a double cheeseburger, make it a single? - And the five-piece chicken nugget.
[buzzer.]
- one piece.
Mmm.
- And I had one of these side salads.
- Ugh! Gross.
It's chews to lose.
- ba da - Okay, darla, what do we have? - It's a harvest-fresh turkey breast sandwich, Apple slices, and unsweetened iced tea.
- All right, let's give it an old try.
[groans.]
no.
Could you go in there and get me some of those, you know, Those chicken nuggets that clarke had? - Who's clarke? - Clarke.
The guy from the last seg-- you know what, darla? Forget it.
All right? You should have chosen to losen while you had the chance.
- ba da Hey, so, janet, what do we have? - I went with the chicken cobb salad.
- See ya.
[clatter.]
- come on, I like that salad.
That's the one with all the blue cheese crumbles And the bacon bits and stuff.
- It is? Yeah, it's pretty good.
I mean, you're no clarke, but - Who's clarke? - Clarke shanderville, the burger guy.
[dramatic music.]
God, what is with you people? - Wait.
What am I supposed to eat? - Well, why don't you eat [bleep.]
, janet? - [echoing.]
harvest-fresh turkey breast sandwich - [echoing.]
chicken cobb salad - [echoing.]
apple slices and unsweetened iced tea.
- Hey, folks.
- Oh, my god.
- Mmm.
You ever chose to "lows"? - Get out of our home.
My husband clarke will be home any minute.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Clarke shanderville? - You know him? - Heck, yeah, I know him.
We was just getting burgers down the damn street.
- Burgers? But he knows I'm preparing dinner.
- I'm home! Scott, what are you doing here? - I think the question, clarke, Is what are you doing eating burgers with me While your wife slaves behind a hot freaking stove? - I'm sorry about this.
HoneyI don't like your cooking.
- Well, you could have said something about it.
What else have you been hiding from me? - I'm having an affair with my secretary.
- Janet? - Janet villalobos, the salad lady? But wait a minute.
She told me That she had never met you before.
- Who's clarke? - She lied to me.
- [sobbing.]
- For chews to lose, I'm clarke shanderville.
- ba da - All right, we'll be right back with more rainn wilson And cowboy poet dalton wilcox.
Come on back.
- I know, it's crazy.
Hey, welcome back to the show.
We're here with rainn wilson.
And dalton wilcox will be out in just a second.
And, hey, let's check in on our new friend contest.
- new friend contest new friend contest - All right, let's check in with the votes.
And--what? No one's voted yet? It's almost like none of them want us to kill One of these animals and stick it on the wall.
[laughs.]
all right.
Well, let's get to our next guest.
He is a cowboy poet And the writer of this book right here.
Please welcome dalton wilcox.
- you can lead a horse to water - Hi, nice to meet you.
- Thanks for having me.
- you can call yourself a daughter - Please, have a seat.
- you can have fun on the range - Welcome to the show, dalton.
- Outstanding.
Great to be here! - So great to meet you.
- You should know, I don't like coming to the big city Full of city slickers and all that stuff.
I don't care about it, so you should be flattered And excited that I've left the range to come here.
- Well, thank you so much.
And you are the author of this book.
And I didn't want to read the title.
It's such a long title.
Maybe you could read it for us.
- It's exactly the right length.
It tells you everything you need to know about the book, And it wouldn't work in any fewer words.
- Okay, let's hear it.
- It's called, You must buy your wife at least as much jewelry As you buy your horse and other-- [laughter.]
that is good, isn't it? And other poems and observations, Humorous and otherwise, from a life on the range.
And that's by me, dalton wilcox.
And you can buy that wherever books are sold.
- Well, I would love to hear one of these poems.
Can you read something for us? - I would be more than pleased to read you one of my poems.
Now, I am known as the poet laureate of the west.
And so you're in for a real treat.
All right, this poem is called, that lonesome cowboy.
All right, this is my camera here? - Sure.
- All right.
"a cowboy is a lonesome man.
"there's none more lonesome in all the land.
"he rides atop his only friend, "his horse, a companion upon whom he can depend.
"his woman may be miles behind him.
"sadness and desperation may find him.
"but a cowboy who's wise will turn to the earth "to lend him solace and even mirth.
"he'll dig a hole with cracked, scorched hands, "pour in all the water that hole demands, "until that hole is moist, just right.
"the earth will never put up any kind of a fight.
"his cries of joy, no one will hear.
"in case I am not being clear, "I'm saying that cowboy's gonna [bleep.]
a hole in the ground.
"we all do it.
That's what I have found.
"if a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds, "there would be cowboys growing everywhere Across the plains like weeds.
" That's a poem about cowboys [bleep.]
the earth.
- So you just go around the plains, Digging holes and then sticking your penises into them? - Well, you make it sound crass.
- [laughs.]
- it's actually quite lovely And a beautiful way for a man to commune with mother earth.
- It's an homage to the goddess gaia.
- I don't know.
That sounds like city slicking to me.
I don't know what that means.
What I'm talking about is [bleep.]
a hole in the ground.
- How many strokes until you, uh, climax? - You know what? Different folks will spend a longer amount of time In their hole than others.
You know, myself, I like to take a good long time.
But more important than that is to make sure That you're not inadvertently getting yourself Involved in a rattlesnake hole.
You hear stories like that from time to time.
And that's a good reason to always dig your own hole.
Don't come along and see what you think Is somebody else's hole and say, "I'm gonna go ahead and [bleep.]
that one.
" That's not only unethical, but it could lead To a rattlesnake bite on your pecker.
- So, dalton, are all of your poems About having masturbatory sex with holes in the earth? - That is a ridiculous question.
I would say only, roughly 75% to 80% Of my poems are about that.
- Could we get to a poem that is not about that topic? - Oh, I'd be more than pleased To read you any number of my poems.
- Okay.
- This one's called, A dangerous life.
You're gonna like this one.
Here we go.
"the cowboy's life is full of danger.
"to risks to his life, he is never a stranger.
"of all the ways the cowboy may meet his end, "there are few against which he can defend.
"his rifle cannot shoot the wind or fire.
"it will not work against vampires.
"every shadow that moves in the night "gives the cowboy vampire fright.
"vampires! Vampires! Vampires! Vampires! "with fangs as sharp as new barbed wire.
"a smart cowboy will carry a stake of wood "and bury it in the heart of anyone he thinks he should.
"some of these may turn out to be regular men.
But better safe than sorry, then.
" And that poem is dedicated to the memory of winston black And carlisle dunhill and baxter fields and tom sherwood And lester delwood and wesley norton And several other folks who died before their time Out there on the range with a wooden stake in their hearts.
- What the [bleep.]
are you talking about? You think there are vampires out on the plain? - I know for a fact that there are.
- It sounds to me like you've murdered-- - Cold light of morning, a lot of these folks Turn out not to be vampires.
- Well, why don't you just say, "hey, uh, are you a vampire?" And ask them if they're a vampire.
- Are you a vampire? - No, I'm not a vampi-- What do you mean, am I-- - that is what the vampire says In every single case.
- Guys, I mean, this is ridiculous.
- Folks, I'm sorry you have to see this.
But I'm about to drive a wooden stake Into the heart of the host of this television show.
- Wait, you don't have a wooden stake on you, I hope.
- Well, no, but I'm figuring one of these-- It'll just take - No, no, no, we don't have that kind of time.
Okay, we'll be right-- no! Please! Do not drive a stake through my heart.
We'll be right back.
- Grab a horn off the-- - You don't-- that's city slicking.
You don't know you can't kill a vampire with a horn.
- How are you gonna dig a hole in a woman-- - down the hole - pour water in mud in-- - All right, we're back here with rainn wilson And dalton wilcox, and, guys, that's been our show.
Let's check in with our new friend contest.
What? It's a three-way tie because no one voted? Well, all right.
I guess we'll just kill all three of them then.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you talking about? You're talking about killing those animals? - Yeah, we were talking about it earlier on the show.
Why didn't you say something then? - I was drunk then! I'm sober now.
Dalton, hold him back! - I'll put him in a cowboy hold.
- Cowboy hold? [yells.]
- Put him in a cowboy hold! Run, animals! Run! Adorable little creatures, run for your lives! - Your lives are in danger! Put a little pep in your step! Let's go! - Run! Buster, plucky, baby! Run, forest animals, run! Run! Yes! - Ahh! - Sorry, scott.
I'm an animal lover, And I just couldn't let you do that to them.
- Yeah, well, you know, that's okay.
I guess I'll just [ominous music.]
make do.
[laughing maniacally.]
[coughs.]
ooh.
- The wolf dead.