Corner Gas Animated (2018) s02e11 Episode Script
Doctors Without Borders
1 I'm looking for Wanda Dollard.
Now you're looking at one of the Dollard.
I'm from East Montgomery University.
Hey! I took online courses there.
Listen, if this is about the tuition, I did not know my credit card was maxed out, or expired or not mine.
I'm here to deliver your doctorate degree in Philosophy.
Congratulations! You're now an alumnus of the Fighting Ostriches.
The school is E.
M.
U.
but the mascot is an ostrich? Well, damn.
I'll have to bring that up at the next meeting.
Question.
Why are you hand-delivering my diploma for an online degree? You didn't untick the option for hand delivery.
That probably shouldn't be our default.
I'll bring that up at the next meeting too.
Anyway, now you can say goodbye to this dead-end job and embark on a career in Philosophy.
'Cause that's where the real money is.
I only took the courses to up my small-talk game.
Now instead of talking weather with the farmers, I can mix it up with a little "Do we have free will?" Or "How about that Nietzsche? Huh? He could really ruin a church picnic, - am I right?" - I don't teach Philosophy.
I teach Mathematical Probability.
- So why did they send you? - I drew the short straw.
I've been waiting 20 years to make that joke! We're done here.
I've got a 32-hour trip ahead of me.
You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, baby you're so wrong 2x11 - Doctors Without Borders Hey, Brent.
You seem chipper today.
I should be chipper.
It's my day off.
Plus, I just had some chips.
- Oh, yass! - Nice! Hey, watch it! What's yer prob? We're grinding a rail.
It's government property, ya punks.
- Go grind something else.
- Ew.
Wow.
You went from chipper to curmudgeon pretty quick there, old timer.
- You're Oscar 2.
0.
- No, I'm not.
Now, scram, or I'll call the feds! Okay, that was reminiscent.
Well, I think it's great that they're skateboarding.
Better than being on their phones all day.
Listen to The Lace.
She's so cool.
Oh, geez.
Well, I'm not that cool.
Just compared to this dinosaur.
- "Scram! I'm a hundred!" - Ooh, sick burn! You're the GOAT, Lace.
Oh, hear that? I'm a goat.
Why am I a goat? Probably has something to do with chin whiskers.
- It's unconstitutional! - What, parking tickets? What's your beef, copper! You get off on stickin' it to the little guy! Why are you kicking up a fuss? It's not even our car.
- It's not even a car.
- I'm just making a point.
Why do you never support me, woman? I do support you.
There was that time I Oh.
No.
Well, that other time I - Huh.
I'll be darned.
- See? Fine.
Whatever you randomly oppose next, I'll support you 100%.
Why are you writing that ticket with your left hand? 'Cause I'm left-handed? Left-handed! That's an abomination! Right, Emma? Right? I support you 100%, and regret this already.
"Doc-toriss Phil-o-so raptor?" It's my degree, Dorkus idioticus.
- I'm now officially a doctor of - You're a doctor? - Uh, can you look at this rash? - Not without vomiting.
So you're not a doctor? I'm different kind of doctor, a doctor of Philosophy, but you should definitely put some balm on your butt.
Butt balm, got it.
Thanks, Dr.
Wanda.
That wasn't a medical diagnosis, just common sense.
But keep up the "Dr.
Wanda" stuff.
A doctor could get used to that.
Hey, "The Lace.
" Am I using that right? "The Lace.
" "Lacers.
" "The GOAT," apparently.
I answer to all of them.
What can I do for you, old timer? Can I get a table out on the patio? - Sure.
Why? - Oh, you know us old folks.
Need the Vitamin D to ward off osteoporosis.
Plus, looks like a lot going on out there.
There is? Hey! - Hey, Lacey! - Lacers! - Lace-up! - Oh, what's up, guys? What brings you here to the, uh goat pen? You're the only adult in town who doesn't rag on us for skateboarding.
So we thought we'd come hang here.
- You're cool, right? - Yeah, you're cool, right, Lacers? Cool, groovy, 23 skidoo? I can't keep up with you youngsters and your funky slang and your gender-fluid apps.
Oh, yeah, uh, absolutely.
Supes cool.
Hey, knock that off! - What? - Uh, knock that flower pot off so there's more room for you to do your grindboarding.
Didn't the military outlaw that? Whoa, okay, stop it! And, uh, come inside for some fries on the house! Whoo-hoo! All right! - Free fries! Count me in.
- Not for you, Pops, but I'll give you the senior's discount.
Burn, but sold.
I want you to feel my bump.
Look, uh, I like you, Mavis, but, uh Squishy.
Bumpy.
- We all done here? - "Squishy"? I came here for some medical advice from a doctor.
Who said I was a Oh, sorry, Mavis.
I'm not that kind of a doctor.
I knew it.
I mean, you're smart, but you're not doctor smart.
Hey! I am a doctor, and I know what that is.
It's called a ganglion.
I want you to treat it, not name it.
It's a benign irritant with a cyst on her wrist.
My cousin had one of those.
You just have to hit it with something hard.
- Hey-o! - Oh! Hey, it's gone! Oh, thank you, Wanda.
Dr.
Wanda.
Left-handed police officers.
What's next? Left-handed soccer players? - Why would that even - Good morning.
It most certainly is not! Your partner is from H-E-double hockey sticks! I don't really follow sports.
- I'm saying Davis can't be trusted.
- You're telling me.
He took all my cheese strings and didn't replace them, or eat them.
He just made little cheddar puppets.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Karen.
Brace yourself.
Davis is left-handed! So am I.
You and Davis are both lefties? - Do you know what that means? - They excel in the arts? They need a special can opener? It means that 100% of the Dog River police force is left-handed.
Sinister! Sinistra! That's "left" in Latino.
- Is he okay? - I support him 100% in his view that lefties are What was it again? - An abomin - "An abomination.
" So how much for the cheese strings? Three more plates of bottomless free fries.
Can I get some more? Mine are cold.
Maybe you shouldn't have poured an entire bottle of ketchup on them.
My bad! I meant to hit Zeke.
- Oh! - My bad.
My old grip's not what it used to be.
Napkin Fight! Whoo! Missed me! Lookin' a little warm, The Coolest.
I'm just fine, The Oldest.
Can I get a glass of prune juice while you're in there? Keeps the train on time.
Ugh! Old people are gross.
This is a left-handed crisis! First Davis, and now Karen.
It's an epidemic.
Who's next? We need to rally the righties.
But maybe it's time to find something new to be irration passionate about.
The important thing is that you, you voiced your concern, and I backed you up, and now it's over.
- Right? - Wrong! Left ain't right! Left ain't right! Left ain't right! Left ain't right! You're not all here to protest the fact that we're lefties, are you? Yes! Just like we've always been, and you've never had a problem with it.
Yes! What do you want us to do, quit? You lefties are so dramatic.
We don't want you to quit.
We simply want you to become right-handed! Sounds reasonable.
- Does it? - I don't know.
I just see a bunch of tax-paying voters who are upset about something, so do what they want.
- But that's mob rule.
- Yeah! Mobs rule! Mobs! Mobs! Mobs! I guess we're right-handed now.
What's with the cake? I can't cure diabetes.
I am aware there is no cure for diabetes.
I brought you this cake as "thank you" for banging my ganglion.
Whoa, when did that happen? Aw, Mavis.
I can't accept payment for that.
Ow! You a doctor? This is doctor cake.
I helped! I'm kinda your nurse.
Uh, Doctor Wanda, can you listen to my heart? I've brought a flan.
Listen, Helen, I'm not a medical Is that caramel? Sure, I'll take a look at your tart.
Uh heart.
You pea'd your pants! "Pea" with an "A"! Good one! Oh, no, it's Officer Right Hand coming in for a drink of coffee.
Ow! Now it looks like you peed your pants, with an "E.
" Knock off the giggling, you ninnies! This right-handed stuff is serious business.
- Hey, we're trying.
- Not hard enough.
From now on, I'm following you two around to make sure you stay on the path.
The right path.
Hey, Emma, I was wondering if I could get your help with something.
- A lot of the local teens are - Teens are what? Is there problem, Goat-chella? And tell me in words I can understand.
None of your hip street jive.
No problem.
Everything is absolutely lit.
Ow! That's a right-handed door! Come on, Emma! We're following these degenerates around all day.
How about I support you remotely, by keeping an eye out for other lefties in town? Good thinking, woman! Don't ever get married.
Dr.
Wanda will see you now.
- I need an oil filter.
- Do you have an appointment? Hey, Won, let's get you up on the table.
Hank Nurse Hank, can you get the phone? Nurses do everything.
Corner Gas General, Nurse Hank speaking.
Well, that's nothing to be concerned about.
Can I talk to Wanda for a sec? The doctor is busy right now.
Are you guys playing doctor? Playing? I wish.
No, Wanda's really a doctor, and I'm her nurse.
Please don't bleed on the ham! Well, I was just calling to check in, make sure everything was weird and didn't make sense.
Carry on.
I owe you "bum circle"? That's not a bum, it's a "3.
" 3-0.
$30.
Ow! Son of a I'm drawing a line, Oscar.
Draw it with your right hand! - Nurse.
- Doctor.
Did you have the audacity to take the sliver out of Michelle's thumb while I was on a lunch break? Your whole day is a lunch break.
- Excuse me? - Yes, I did, and I nailed it.
I even earned a croissant.
Nurses don't get pastries! Doctors get pastries! Now, stick to your medical duties, and stack that wiper fluid.
Uh-uh-uh I need you to get those skateboarders out of The Ruby.
This whole thing has gotten out of hand.
Please don't use the word "hand.
" Well, did you ask them to leave? I can't.
I need them to think I'm cool.
Plus, there's this whole back and forth teasing thing with Brent that I really need to win.
Have you considered that we might have more important things to do than deal with your guys's weird flirty stuff? Flirting? Grow up.
This isn't high school.
It's about me looking cool in front of teenagers.
- Here's the thing, Lacey - I prefer "The Lace.
" Here's the thing, Lacey.
We can't do anything unless you make a formal complaint, and if you do that, the kids will find out.
So we can't lend you a hand to give you the upper hand.
I can't stop saying "hand.
" - Ow! - Let it go, Oscar.
We've been right-handed all day.
It's not that easy.
There's a scientific process to abandoning the dark side.
You've barely made it through Phase One.
- of two? - Of 12! I don't feel so good.
- Maybe I should go see Dr.
Wanda.
- Wanda's a doctor? I'm hearing reports that you're operating an unlicensed medical clinic? - Uh technically.
- Great.
I need a doctor's note that me and Davis are now medically right-handed.
Happy to help.
- Whoo! - Please, no cheering.
Always keen to use my power for good.
No, you're on StarMyDoc.
com, and you've got a really high rating.
Really? Yay me! I mean, I'm not that kind of doctor, but they called it "StarMyDoc.
" Pretty vague.
It's really their fault for not specifying.
So in conclusion, yay me! Five stars, five stars, five stars.
- These reviews are amazing.
- Sure, I'm good.
Talented, even.
Am I popular? Clearly.
But these websites don't actually mean One star? Who gave me one star? "Doctor Wanda would rather take lunch than treat her patients in need, but top marks for Nurse Hank!" Aww I'm gonna track down this @DogRiverMichelle person, whoever she is, and give her a piece of my Oh! It's probably Michelle.
If you're here to gloat, go away.
No gloat, GOAT.
Just soaking up the chaos.
Why don't you just kick them out? Because this is the first time in my life anybody ever thought I was cool.
I'll tell you what's cool.
Being a crusty curmudgeon.
Check this out, home slice.
Hey, Snapchats! Time for you to Scramazon-dot-com.
It's not your diner, prune dude.
We only leave if The Amazing Lace tells us to.
Aww.
They called me "Amazing Lace.
" I can't kick them out.
Then maybe you should just call the cops.
I already did, and they refused to get me any help.
So yeah.
This is their fault.
Hey, gang! I love chillin' with you in my eatin' crib, but there's a way more badass place to hang out and do rails the Cop Shop.
- Yeah, edgy.
- Ooh, dangerous.
Bangin'! Sick! They left, and I'm still cool! - What does bangin' mean? - Pretty sure it's somethin' filthy.
Filthy teenagers.
"Dr.
Wanda and her magic hands give her patients top-tier service " I don't feel good about writing false reviews to boost your ratings.
Do you feel good about shutting up and typing? - "I give her six stars.
" - It only goes up to five.
A-ha! Read it and weep.
What? Since when is Wanda a doctor? Since never, that's when.
Ha! - Do you think he bought it? - I don't.
This is beyond the medical realm anyway.
We're on to Phase Two.
- Positive reinforcement with treats? - No.
Public shaming.
With treats? You're going to publicly denounce your left-handedness as shameful, evil, and a transgression against humanity.
Ladies and gentlemen, Karen and Davis! You can't boot me off the site.
I'm technically a doctor, and didn't you see my reviews? I did not write those.
I dictated them while my nurse typed.
And he's not even technically a nurse, so he's the one you should be Aw, we got cut off.
Those elitists booted me off StarMyDoc just because I'm not a physician.
- Tell that to my patients.
- Well, there goes my dream of being the world's first male nurse.
There's been male nurses in this country - since the 1950s.
- Huh, then no big deal.
Let's get this place back to normal before you lose your actual job.
- Sound good, Wanda? - Dr.
Wanda.
I'm still a doctor of Philosophy.
And to quote Kierkegaard, "Suck on that, haters.
" Come on, start shaming yourselves.
You're losing the crowd.
Oscar, there's no way we're doing that.
Yeah, we need some time to prepare.
Write a speech, workshop it.
Hey, what's going on? Just a good old-fashioned left-handed shaming.
What's wrong with being left-handed? Yeah, we should celebrate our differences.
I have a nose ring.
Zeke has red hair.
Yeah, Tina has webbed feet.
You should see her swim.
Being different is what makes us all great.
You should never be ashamed of what makes you unique.
- Oscar, are you okay? - I have something to say, and this may shock some of you perhaps most of all, my wife.
Is this about you being born left-handed and being forced to change as a child? Yeah, that.
So when I was a young Wait a minute, how the hell did you know I was born left-handed? We've been married for 40 years.
There's been a few clues.
Did I ever tell you I was born left-handed? Ugh, not this sob story again.
Well, if you knew, why did you back me up on this crazy witch-hunt? Jeez, you're mad when I don't support you, you're mad when I do support you.
- You can't have it both ways.
- Yes, I can.
- You know, I'm bi.
- Ambi, Oscar.
You're ambidextrous.
Thanks for backing us, kids.
We really appreciate it.
No problem, 5-0.
Now it's grind time.
- Whoo! - Yeah! Check it out! - Whoa - No, it's confiscatin' time.
You can't skate here.
It's official police property.
Yeah, and Lacey doesn't want you skateboarding at her place either.
What? No! Lacey said what? Did she want us to keep that quiet? - Not cool, Lacey.
- Amazing Lacey? - Narc! - Hey, Lacey's not a dork.
- They said "narc.
" - Well, whatever the hip lingo is.
She put up with your claptrappin' shenanigans Jeez, how old am I? Anyway, my point is, Lacey's the coolest person I know.
Aw, thanks, Brent.
Old Man Leroy Junior thinks Lacey's cool.
That makes her an even bigger dork.
Okay, I'm sure they said "dork" that time.
I don't care anymore.
I want all of you kids out of here.
You've been rude, disrespectful, disruptive They're already gone.
I know, I just need to get this off my chest.
And furthermore, your pants are too baggy, and get off my lawn! Whew Oh, that felt good.
You're back.
What are the odds? Get it? Probability? - Can I see that for a quick sec? - Okay, but be careful.
I need that to get discounts from drug reps.
Hey! That was like the opposite of careful! E.
M.
U.
has been notified that you impersonated a medical doctor, started an illegal practice, and accepted carbohydrates as payment.
There was also ham.
You, Wanda Dollard, are no longer a Fighting Emu.
Fighting Emu? H-Hey, you changed the name! We did.
That was a great catch.
Anyway, sorry to revoke your degree, but it's your own fault for developing a God complex.
- Does a God complex really exist? - There you go! Stick to Philosophy, and no one gets hurt.
No one gets baked goods, either! I don't know The same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know - Ooh - It's a great big place - Ooh - Full of nothin' but space - Ooh - And it's my happy place I don't know
Now you're looking at one of the Dollard.
I'm from East Montgomery University.
Hey! I took online courses there.
Listen, if this is about the tuition, I did not know my credit card was maxed out, or expired or not mine.
I'm here to deliver your doctorate degree in Philosophy.
Congratulations! You're now an alumnus of the Fighting Ostriches.
The school is E.
M.
U.
but the mascot is an ostrich? Well, damn.
I'll have to bring that up at the next meeting.
Question.
Why are you hand-delivering my diploma for an online degree? You didn't untick the option for hand delivery.
That probably shouldn't be our default.
I'll bring that up at the next meeting too.
Anyway, now you can say goodbye to this dead-end job and embark on a career in Philosophy.
'Cause that's where the real money is.
I only took the courses to up my small-talk game.
Now instead of talking weather with the farmers, I can mix it up with a little "Do we have free will?" Or "How about that Nietzsche? Huh? He could really ruin a church picnic, - am I right?" - I don't teach Philosophy.
I teach Mathematical Probability.
- So why did they send you? - I drew the short straw.
I've been waiting 20 years to make that joke! We're done here.
I've got a 32-hour trip ahead of me.
You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, baby you're so wrong 2x11 - Doctors Without Borders Hey, Brent.
You seem chipper today.
I should be chipper.
It's my day off.
Plus, I just had some chips.
- Oh, yass! - Nice! Hey, watch it! What's yer prob? We're grinding a rail.
It's government property, ya punks.
- Go grind something else.
- Ew.
Wow.
You went from chipper to curmudgeon pretty quick there, old timer.
- You're Oscar 2.
0.
- No, I'm not.
Now, scram, or I'll call the feds! Okay, that was reminiscent.
Well, I think it's great that they're skateboarding.
Better than being on their phones all day.
Listen to The Lace.
She's so cool.
Oh, geez.
Well, I'm not that cool.
Just compared to this dinosaur.
- "Scram! I'm a hundred!" - Ooh, sick burn! You're the GOAT, Lace.
Oh, hear that? I'm a goat.
Why am I a goat? Probably has something to do with chin whiskers.
- It's unconstitutional! - What, parking tickets? What's your beef, copper! You get off on stickin' it to the little guy! Why are you kicking up a fuss? It's not even our car.
- It's not even a car.
- I'm just making a point.
Why do you never support me, woman? I do support you.
There was that time I Oh.
No.
Well, that other time I - Huh.
I'll be darned.
- See? Fine.
Whatever you randomly oppose next, I'll support you 100%.
Why are you writing that ticket with your left hand? 'Cause I'm left-handed? Left-handed! That's an abomination! Right, Emma? Right? I support you 100%, and regret this already.
"Doc-toriss Phil-o-so raptor?" It's my degree, Dorkus idioticus.
- I'm now officially a doctor of - You're a doctor? - Uh, can you look at this rash? - Not without vomiting.
So you're not a doctor? I'm different kind of doctor, a doctor of Philosophy, but you should definitely put some balm on your butt.
Butt balm, got it.
Thanks, Dr.
Wanda.
That wasn't a medical diagnosis, just common sense.
But keep up the "Dr.
Wanda" stuff.
A doctor could get used to that.
Hey, "The Lace.
" Am I using that right? "The Lace.
" "Lacers.
" "The GOAT," apparently.
I answer to all of them.
What can I do for you, old timer? Can I get a table out on the patio? - Sure.
Why? - Oh, you know us old folks.
Need the Vitamin D to ward off osteoporosis.
Plus, looks like a lot going on out there.
There is? Hey! - Hey, Lacey! - Lacers! - Lace-up! - Oh, what's up, guys? What brings you here to the, uh goat pen? You're the only adult in town who doesn't rag on us for skateboarding.
So we thought we'd come hang here.
- You're cool, right? - Yeah, you're cool, right, Lacers? Cool, groovy, 23 skidoo? I can't keep up with you youngsters and your funky slang and your gender-fluid apps.
Oh, yeah, uh, absolutely.
Supes cool.
Hey, knock that off! - What? - Uh, knock that flower pot off so there's more room for you to do your grindboarding.
Didn't the military outlaw that? Whoa, okay, stop it! And, uh, come inside for some fries on the house! Whoo-hoo! All right! - Free fries! Count me in.
- Not for you, Pops, but I'll give you the senior's discount.
Burn, but sold.
I want you to feel my bump.
Look, uh, I like you, Mavis, but, uh Squishy.
Bumpy.
- We all done here? - "Squishy"? I came here for some medical advice from a doctor.
Who said I was a Oh, sorry, Mavis.
I'm not that kind of a doctor.
I knew it.
I mean, you're smart, but you're not doctor smart.
Hey! I am a doctor, and I know what that is.
It's called a ganglion.
I want you to treat it, not name it.
It's a benign irritant with a cyst on her wrist.
My cousin had one of those.
You just have to hit it with something hard.
- Hey-o! - Oh! Hey, it's gone! Oh, thank you, Wanda.
Dr.
Wanda.
Left-handed police officers.
What's next? Left-handed soccer players? - Why would that even - Good morning.
It most certainly is not! Your partner is from H-E-double hockey sticks! I don't really follow sports.
- I'm saying Davis can't be trusted.
- You're telling me.
He took all my cheese strings and didn't replace them, or eat them.
He just made little cheddar puppets.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Karen.
Brace yourself.
Davis is left-handed! So am I.
You and Davis are both lefties? - Do you know what that means? - They excel in the arts? They need a special can opener? It means that 100% of the Dog River police force is left-handed.
Sinister! Sinistra! That's "left" in Latino.
- Is he okay? - I support him 100% in his view that lefties are What was it again? - An abomin - "An abomination.
" So how much for the cheese strings? Three more plates of bottomless free fries.
Can I get some more? Mine are cold.
Maybe you shouldn't have poured an entire bottle of ketchup on them.
My bad! I meant to hit Zeke.
- Oh! - My bad.
My old grip's not what it used to be.
Napkin Fight! Whoo! Missed me! Lookin' a little warm, The Coolest.
I'm just fine, The Oldest.
Can I get a glass of prune juice while you're in there? Keeps the train on time.
Ugh! Old people are gross.
This is a left-handed crisis! First Davis, and now Karen.
It's an epidemic.
Who's next? We need to rally the righties.
But maybe it's time to find something new to be irration passionate about.
The important thing is that you, you voiced your concern, and I backed you up, and now it's over.
- Right? - Wrong! Left ain't right! Left ain't right! Left ain't right! Left ain't right! You're not all here to protest the fact that we're lefties, are you? Yes! Just like we've always been, and you've never had a problem with it.
Yes! What do you want us to do, quit? You lefties are so dramatic.
We don't want you to quit.
We simply want you to become right-handed! Sounds reasonable.
- Does it? - I don't know.
I just see a bunch of tax-paying voters who are upset about something, so do what they want.
- But that's mob rule.
- Yeah! Mobs rule! Mobs! Mobs! Mobs! I guess we're right-handed now.
What's with the cake? I can't cure diabetes.
I am aware there is no cure for diabetes.
I brought you this cake as "thank you" for banging my ganglion.
Whoa, when did that happen? Aw, Mavis.
I can't accept payment for that.
Ow! You a doctor? This is doctor cake.
I helped! I'm kinda your nurse.
Uh, Doctor Wanda, can you listen to my heart? I've brought a flan.
Listen, Helen, I'm not a medical Is that caramel? Sure, I'll take a look at your tart.
Uh heart.
You pea'd your pants! "Pea" with an "A"! Good one! Oh, no, it's Officer Right Hand coming in for a drink of coffee.
Ow! Now it looks like you peed your pants, with an "E.
" Knock off the giggling, you ninnies! This right-handed stuff is serious business.
- Hey, we're trying.
- Not hard enough.
From now on, I'm following you two around to make sure you stay on the path.
The right path.
Hey, Emma, I was wondering if I could get your help with something.
- A lot of the local teens are - Teens are what? Is there problem, Goat-chella? And tell me in words I can understand.
None of your hip street jive.
No problem.
Everything is absolutely lit.
Ow! That's a right-handed door! Come on, Emma! We're following these degenerates around all day.
How about I support you remotely, by keeping an eye out for other lefties in town? Good thinking, woman! Don't ever get married.
Dr.
Wanda will see you now.
- I need an oil filter.
- Do you have an appointment? Hey, Won, let's get you up on the table.
Hank Nurse Hank, can you get the phone? Nurses do everything.
Corner Gas General, Nurse Hank speaking.
Well, that's nothing to be concerned about.
Can I talk to Wanda for a sec? The doctor is busy right now.
Are you guys playing doctor? Playing? I wish.
No, Wanda's really a doctor, and I'm her nurse.
Please don't bleed on the ham! Well, I was just calling to check in, make sure everything was weird and didn't make sense.
Carry on.
I owe you "bum circle"? That's not a bum, it's a "3.
" 3-0.
$30.
Ow! Son of a I'm drawing a line, Oscar.
Draw it with your right hand! - Nurse.
- Doctor.
Did you have the audacity to take the sliver out of Michelle's thumb while I was on a lunch break? Your whole day is a lunch break.
- Excuse me? - Yes, I did, and I nailed it.
I even earned a croissant.
Nurses don't get pastries! Doctors get pastries! Now, stick to your medical duties, and stack that wiper fluid.
Uh-uh-uh I need you to get those skateboarders out of The Ruby.
This whole thing has gotten out of hand.
Please don't use the word "hand.
" Well, did you ask them to leave? I can't.
I need them to think I'm cool.
Plus, there's this whole back and forth teasing thing with Brent that I really need to win.
Have you considered that we might have more important things to do than deal with your guys's weird flirty stuff? Flirting? Grow up.
This isn't high school.
It's about me looking cool in front of teenagers.
- Here's the thing, Lacey - I prefer "The Lace.
" Here's the thing, Lacey.
We can't do anything unless you make a formal complaint, and if you do that, the kids will find out.
So we can't lend you a hand to give you the upper hand.
I can't stop saying "hand.
" - Ow! - Let it go, Oscar.
We've been right-handed all day.
It's not that easy.
There's a scientific process to abandoning the dark side.
You've barely made it through Phase One.
- of two? - Of 12! I don't feel so good.
- Maybe I should go see Dr.
Wanda.
- Wanda's a doctor? I'm hearing reports that you're operating an unlicensed medical clinic? - Uh technically.
- Great.
I need a doctor's note that me and Davis are now medically right-handed.
Happy to help.
- Whoo! - Please, no cheering.
Always keen to use my power for good.
No, you're on StarMyDoc.
com, and you've got a really high rating.
Really? Yay me! I mean, I'm not that kind of doctor, but they called it "StarMyDoc.
" Pretty vague.
It's really their fault for not specifying.
So in conclusion, yay me! Five stars, five stars, five stars.
- These reviews are amazing.
- Sure, I'm good.
Talented, even.
Am I popular? Clearly.
But these websites don't actually mean One star? Who gave me one star? "Doctor Wanda would rather take lunch than treat her patients in need, but top marks for Nurse Hank!" Aww I'm gonna track down this @DogRiverMichelle person, whoever she is, and give her a piece of my Oh! It's probably Michelle.
If you're here to gloat, go away.
No gloat, GOAT.
Just soaking up the chaos.
Why don't you just kick them out? Because this is the first time in my life anybody ever thought I was cool.
I'll tell you what's cool.
Being a crusty curmudgeon.
Check this out, home slice.
Hey, Snapchats! Time for you to Scramazon-dot-com.
It's not your diner, prune dude.
We only leave if The Amazing Lace tells us to.
Aww.
They called me "Amazing Lace.
" I can't kick them out.
Then maybe you should just call the cops.
I already did, and they refused to get me any help.
So yeah.
This is their fault.
Hey, gang! I love chillin' with you in my eatin' crib, but there's a way more badass place to hang out and do rails the Cop Shop.
- Yeah, edgy.
- Ooh, dangerous.
Bangin'! Sick! They left, and I'm still cool! - What does bangin' mean? - Pretty sure it's somethin' filthy.
Filthy teenagers.
"Dr.
Wanda and her magic hands give her patients top-tier service " I don't feel good about writing false reviews to boost your ratings.
Do you feel good about shutting up and typing? - "I give her six stars.
" - It only goes up to five.
A-ha! Read it and weep.
What? Since when is Wanda a doctor? Since never, that's when.
Ha! - Do you think he bought it? - I don't.
This is beyond the medical realm anyway.
We're on to Phase Two.
- Positive reinforcement with treats? - No.
Public shaming.
With treats? You're going to publicly denounce your left-handedness as shameful, evil, and a transgression against humanity.
Ladies and gentlemen, Karen and Davis! You can't boot me off the site.
I'm technically a doctor, and didn't you see my reviews? I did not write those.
I dictated them while my nurse typed.
And he's not even technically a nurse, so he's the one you should be Aw, we got cut off.
Those elitists booted me off StarMyDoc just because I'm not a physician.
- Tell that to my patients.
- Well, there goes my dream of being the world's first male nurse.
There's been male nurses in this country - since the 1950s.
- Huh, then no big deal.
Let's get this place back to normal before you lose your actual job.
- Sound good, Wanda? - Dr.
Wanda.
I'm still a doctor of Philosophy.
And to quote Kierkegaard, "Suck on that, haters.
" Come on, start shaming yourselves.
You're losing the crowd.
Oscar, there's no way we're doing that.
Yeah, we need some time to prepare.
Write a speech, workshop it.
Hey, what's going on? Just a good old-fashioned left-handed shaming.
What's wrong with being left-handed? Yeah, we should celebrate our differences.
I have a nose ring.
Zeke has red hair.
Yeah, Tina has webbed feet.
You should see her swim.
Being different is what makes us all great.
You should never be ashamed of what makes you unique.
- Oscar, are you okay? - I have something to say, and this may shock some of you perhaps most of all, my wife.
Is this about you being born left-handed and being forced to change as a child? Yeah, that.
So when I was a young Wait a minute, how the hell did you know I was born left-handed? We've been married for 40 years.
There's been a few clues.
Did I ever tell you I was born left-handed? Ugh, not this sob story again.
Well, if you knew, why did you back me up on this crazy witch-hunt? Jeez, you're mad when I don't support you, you're mad when I do support you.
- You can't have it both ways.
- Yes, I can.
- You know, I'm bi.
- Ambi, Oscar.
You're ambidextrous.
Thanks for backing us, kids.
We really appreciate it.
No problem, 5-0.
Now it's grind time.
- Whoo! - Yeah! Check it out! - Whoa - No, it's confiscatin' time.
You can't skate here.
It's official police property.
Yeah, and Lacey doesn't want you skateboarding at her place either.
What? No! Lacey said what? Did she want us to keep that quiet? - Not cool, Lacey.
- Amazing Lacey? - Narc! - Hey, Lacey's not a dork.
- They said "narc.
" - Well, whatever the hip lingo is.
She put up with your claptrappin' shenanigans Jeez, how old am I? Anyway, my point is, Lacey's the coolest person I know.
Aw, thanks, Brent.
Old Man Leroy Junior thinks Lacey's cool.
That makes her an even bigger dork.
Okay, I'm sure they said "dork" that time.
I don't care anymore.
I want all of you kids out of here.
You've been rude, disrespectful, disruptive They're already gone.
I know, I just need to get this off my chest.
And furthermore, your pants are too baggy, and get off my lawn! Whew Oh, that felt good.
You're back.
What are the odds? Get it? Probability? - Can I see that for a quick sec? - Okay, but be careful.
I need that to get discounts from drug reps.
Hey! That was like the opposite of careful! E.
M.
U.
has been notified that you impersonated a medical doctor, started an illegal practice, and accepted carbohydrates as payment.
There was also ham.
You, Wanda Dollard, are no longer a Fighting Emu.
Fighting Emu? H-Hey, you changed the name! We did.
That was a great catch.
Anyway, sorry to revoke your degree, but it's your own fault for developing a God complex.
- Does a God complex really exist? - There you go! Stick to Philosophy, and no one gets hurt.
No one gets baked goods, either! I don't know The same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know - Ooh - It's a great big place - Ooh - Full of nothin' but space - Ooh - And it's my happy place I don't know