Cougar Town s02e11 Episode Script

Whoa! Oh - I almost killed a lizard.
- Oh, great story.
- Thanks, I worked on it.
- Go sit down, we're making popcorn.
It's so cool that you and Kirsten are staying for a movie.
Thanks.
You said if I didn't you wouldn't give me money for food.
- Just say "you're welcome," dude.
- Jules doesn't, like, always force everyone to hang out together, does she? Save yourself.
- I'm kidding - Oh! Except I'm not.
Kirsten and I are in such a good place right now.
Grayson and I are really clicking, too.
We look at other couples and we're just like, damn, we crush them, you know? Oh, sweetie, Grayson and I are a better couple than you.
This sounds like a healthy road to go down with your mom.
I'm out.
- Chicken.
- I'm right back in, bring it.
Grayson, pop quiz.
What is my favorite food, what makes me really sad, who's my celebrity crush? Veal, veal again, and Vince Vaughn.
- Nailed it! - Kirsten, same questions.
Go.
Pizza, bad special effects, and your celebrity crush is Megan Fox.
Which is awesome because I look just like her with her super tight pants and long, jet-black hair.
- What? - Nothing, nothing creepy or weird.
Well, two out of three ain't bad.
I like flatbreads, not pizza.
Yes, we win! Suck it, chumps! Whatever.
They're old.
- How many did I really get right? - None.
But you knew to lie, - that's why we rock.
- Whoa! Hey, we'll grab breakfast just after I sink a few more putts.
So, you like Diet Dr.
Pepper, huh? Do I like DDP? Here we go.
Two things in life that I'm sure of: There's no such thing as too much sun, and that Diet Dr.
Pepper is unbelievably satisfying.
- Is somebody filming this? I got into that PGA tourney, and those things ain't cheap.
If I take on a sponsor, it could help with expenses.
- You got them to sponsor you? - Not yet.
But I'm courting them 24l7.
You see those guys over there? One of them just might be a Diet Dr.
Pepper executive.
Or just a doctor with the last name "Pepper.
" The odds are about the same.
Hey, boys.
Sign me up.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, look, we have doves.
- You know doves mate for life? - I did not.
Even though I said I loved you a few weeks ago, and you still haven't told me yet because, you know, you're a slow-moving wuss, it's OK.
'Cause I've never felt this safe with anyone before.
I feel like we're those doves.
I like that.
I don't love that you shared it with the peanut gallery.
He knows how to use the word "love" so that can't be the problem.
- Hmm.
No, it can't.
- Oh, ease up, he's making progress.
Do you guys know who else mates for life? Termites.
- Oh, no.
- I'm writing a screenplay.
It's a cartoon about a plucky termite princess named Molly who gets kidnapped and sold into sex slavery.
- It's not a kid's movie.
- Really? Bug hookers? - That's the title! - I'm going home.
Is this a venti or a grande? You know, I always get confused with coffee sizes, so I convinced the barista to let me change the names.
I have a largey for Ellie.
You ruin everything.
Oh, crap.
It's that couple who let us share their cabana that week in Key West.
What are their names? - Uh Steven and Nancy Robey.
- OK.
So, I named the big ones "largeys" because Shh.
Ellie! Hi! Steve, Nancers, how are ya? It's Doug and Tina.
- Don't you remember us? - I'm gonna go.
Oh, my God.
You're a dead man.
I can't watch.
You jerk.
You always do that to me.
What? What's happening? A non-fat teeny-tiny for Laurie.
Better have a shot of yum in it, buddy.
You're such an ass.
I'm glad you got this boat back on land where she belongs.
This ol' girl was not made for the sea.
You're a great putter, Mr.
Cobb.
How do you stay so focused? - I just keep my brain totally - empty.
I can't ever clear my brain.
Like right now, I'm thinking, "I'm broke, why'd I buy this sweater?" - Stupid credit crunch.
- Credit crunch? That sounds good.
You know what sounds even better? Peanut butter credit crunch.
He doesn't know what you're talking about.
You don't know that there's a big economic crisis right now? If something's important, I usually hear about it from Big Jake.
Big Jake owns the taco stand across the street.
He keeps a pencil in his neck fat so he's clearly smart.
Dad isn't completely oblivious.
He's just got a basic, Cliffs Notes version of current events.
Dad, the world today, go.
Well, ice is melting, oil spilt, black President, love it.
People watching movies on their cell phones, and, whoo Lady Gaga.
Oh, look, the Jules-dove is chasing the Grayson-dove.
How can you tell which one's Grayson? They both have beady little rat eyes.
And good evening.
I'm the one making finger guns with her tiny little claws.
No, honey, don't dry that.
I want to give the water to these roses.
Big news, guys.
You know that little patch of hair he has on his lower back? - Vomit.
- That's my trademark backbeard.
I got rid of that while you were sleeping.
Ooh! Don't give me that angry face.
That's the burden of being doves, buddy.
Nothing can unravel us.
- Oh, God! - What? Was that a dove? How bad was it? Is it me or you? Honestly, it's kind of hard to tell.
Jules-dove is giving me the evil eye.
I can't blame her, I took her man away.
It's all gone.
All the things that she thought they'd do together, - the places they'd fly - Here it is.
"Dove's brains are the size of a Tic-Tac.
" Hey, guys, what's up? Someone have a pillow fight out here? Great job, Tom.
You're so desperate to be part of this gang, do you think hurting Jules is a good move? - How did I? - Do you? Sorry, everyone.
Whoa! There's a dead bird.
Oh, and a real sad one right next to it.
- Seriously?! - Keep walking, Tom.
- I just feel awful.
- I know it sucks, but this is what happens when doves cry.
Oh! There's a little smile.
I'm just gonna have to pull it all the way out.
Are you ready? Here it comes.
Oh! It's a fighter.
Andy, help, grab me around the waist.
- Ellie, I need an eye roll.
- Done.
And heave! Ah! There it is.
Thanks, guys.
Plus, we could make little armbands out of feathers.
Never forget.
Never forget.
What? We were all making jokes.
And then Tom! Go! Trav, at college we get to learn something new about the world every day.
Don't you want that for your dad? This is gonna make you angry, but he's basically a talking dog.
That doesn't make me angry.
We all say that.
We should turn him on to the magazine The Week.
It sums up all of the world's news, without being complicated No.
Look, my dad isn't just my dad, OK? He's part of the cul-de-sac crew.
You meddle with one of them, the entire group responds.
They're a collective consciousness, like Children of the Corn.
Malachai! Oh, my God.
I let a nerd see me naked.
Look, we spent our Friday night watching a movie with my mom and her boyfriend.
You are my escape route out of the friend prison.
But if you get involved in their lives, then they're just gonna come for you.
Just promise me you won't mess with my dad, OK? What if I already did? How can I eat this with all those starving kids in Africa? What's with talking dog? He usually doesn't look up from his food bowl until it's empty.
Hi.
It's coffee guy.
He's kind of stalking me.
I did have to make out with him to get him to change the coffee sizes.
You made out with Mickey? - I thought he was gay.
- Nope.
I can see why a gay guy would go for Laurie, what with her man mitts and all - Hey, Mickey.
- My name isn't Mickey, it's Tim.
You did our joke with Grape Ape? Yep.
Nailed her! No look.
Still not looking.
You're a horrible little man.
Seems a tad strong.
Stop, I'm so sorry! - Lunch is going to be fun.
- Get in the car.
Are you still mad? It was just a bird.
You know, death's a big deal to me.
If it was a person, would you still make jokes? Probably, because it meant they died sprinting into a frying pan.
I bet that's how Bobby goes.
Oh No, I'm not that person.
Why does death always have to be some big soap opera? With all the drama and all the crying.
I mean, who's it really for? Are you kidding me? When I die, I want my friends to cry so hard they can't breathe.
"Why did she leave us?" And then, they can't move on and their lives are ruined forever.
- Watch the road.
- We have to talk about this.
Jules! I think we missed him.
Yeah, he's probably just napping.
Man! The Middle East is messed up, and identity theft is running rampant in our country.
Will the Internet ever be safe again? Some experts say no! Damn it! What the hell? That's the tenth one you missed.
It's just the world.
I feel too hard, Andy.
I can shake it.
Darfur! Damn it! I've given him something for the pain, but he's in pretty bad shape.
- Can you fix him? - Look, lady, it's a squirrel.
I mean, it's great the two of you care about him so much - Oh, got it.
- Got what? - What just happened? - Hmm? I didn't All right, look, this is not some ordinary squirrel.
This is my pet Tuffie.
Tuffie L'Rue.
- Then pet him.
- OK.
Tuffs, Mama's here.
I'm gonna pet you now.
Sometimes he likes it when I don't touch him.
- Yeah.
I should just put him down.
- No! OK, quick question.
Can doves hold grudges? No.
They've got Tic-Tac brains.
OK, well, this guy is obviously a quack.
So why don't we try to find someone who didn't go to Stanford.
We have done all we can for the little guy, you know, including wrapping him in my brand new cashmere hoodie that is so soft it makes my nipples sleepy.
We're saving him.
I'm sorry, it doesn't pass the ridiculous test.
Jules, don't If all the ice melts, then the polar bears will sink like big white rocks.
- Then they'll be gone.
- Did you do this to him? Um Trav, come out here.
Whoa - Good, everybody's here.
- You broke Bobby, you fix him.
- And I'm borrowing this.
It's cute.
- What are you doing? Oh, I used to only give Andy scalp massages.
But now I give them to everyone.
That's OK.
Right, boo? Kirsten, please enjoy Ellie's favorite shoulder massage.
I'll work around the bra straps.
Just relax.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Can you take off your shoes? No.
Too sad.
- Too sad.
- What's happening? You meddled.
And now they've come for you.
Drink lots of water when I'm done.
I hope you called me over to apologize for making me take the bus home from the vet.
Some crazy tried to get me to smell his finger for 20 minutes.
Luckily, I found a vet that wasn't a squirrel racist.
See, Grayson? Every life is worth fighting for.
- That's not the same squirrel.
- Yes, it is.
No.
See, our squirrel sat in my lap for a long ride.
He had a tinier nose.
And his bottom half was squished.
Oh, are you calling me a liar? Did someone put a dead squirrel in my trash? And why is it in a tampon box? Because he deserves a pretty, colorful coffin, Tom! All this just to make me feel like crap.
Great stuff, Jules.
Grayson, I want to apologize.
- Come over.
- It's so far.
What if I promise to stop talking by the time you come over here? - Deal.
- I'm sorry I tricked you, it's just that between the dove and the squirrel, I started feeling like the Angel of Death.
Then I lost it.
And I wanted you to feel guilty, so you feel bad.
Done.
I accept.
You get why murdering two animals would make me spiral, right? I don't.
Deep down, you're probably feeling just as sad as I am.
- I'm not.
- You're going to change someday.
- I won't.
- Great, same page.
- Did I just step on a lizard? - Yep.
Is he OK? Because my foot feels like it's flat on the ground.
Well, all I can see is his tail, but it's still moving.
Oh, no, wait stopped.
Oh Angel of Death.
- Maybe this'll help.
- Guys, the world is bad.
Deep stuff, Dad.
Hey, we're gonna talk about you like you're not here, OK? - Used to it.
- We gotta reset his brain.
Well, we're good people, but we don't get that depressed.
We're so used to the constant flood of bad news that we're desensitized.
That's it.
Turn on the news channel.
We've got to give him more.
More bad news? I can't take it! My heart already feels like it's got a fat chick sitting on it.
I know it's cynical, but the more you're exposed to the horrors of the world, the less it'll hurt.
Eventually, it'll all be white noise.
Then I'll have some loud-noise-ghost in my head, keep me from making putts.
No, Dad.
It could be any noise.
I mean, there's gotta be some noise out there that totally soothes and relaxes you.
Hmm I'm sorry, what? What? I set that.
3:00 Sunday.
# Quickie time So sexy.
- Yeah.
- Plus, we're fighting.
You think I'm going to let you get all up in this? But you're wearing your sexy quickie outfit.
Andy, I'm wearing Oh, I am.
Doesn't matter.
The store is closed.
Is this really about the name thing? I can't believe you're making such a big deal about this.
When Jules was talking about the stupid doves, do you know what I thought? We're the doves.
And even though we have to spend most of our time trapped in Jules' friend prison with people who share everything about everything, we still find a way to protect what's ours.
That joke thing was our thing and you just gave it away.
So, definite no on the quickie? I got your slippers.
You know, I was wrong to compare us to doves.
I mean, we're people.
If someone put a frying pan out the window, I wouldn't run into it.
God! - I didn't laugh.
- Thank you.
Happy to do it.
I think you're a little emotional right now, so I think the smart thing for us to do would be to just chill and not get into any deep conversations.
Do you even think we're right for each other? Thanks for listening.
When a dove just sees another dove that they want to knock feathers with, boom, they're together for life.
But with people, whether or not they last is all about compatibility.
All that talk about death just showed me that we're just so different.
I'm this emotional mess who wants to talk about every single feeling, and you're this closed off, guarded robot.
Look, I'm probably just being stupid, but, you know, today made me really sad.
- I'm gonna go upstairs.
- You want me to come with you? No.
You're already part of the gang and you're blowing it.
Still right here.
Oh, God! All that news and I still can't get the world's misery out of my head.
No, Mr.
Cobb, let it all in.
It's the only way to become desensitized, like the rest of us.
- White noise, Dad.
- OK.
Tsunamis, war, racism, hunger, earthquakes, poverty, genocides Yeah! Baby, the world sucks, but who cares! Whoo! He's back! - Mrs.
Torres? - What? I know you were mean to me the other morning, but writing me a personal apology note, - that's special.
- What are you talking about? I hate apologies.
They make me feel worse than when Andy sets me up to call someone by the wrong name.
Is that our new thing? Fake apology notes? Yep.
And I promise I'll only do it to you.
I hate it.
Thank you.
This is good.
This is a good thing.
Go home, Tom.
- Hmm? - Oh, yeah.
Whoo! Put Big Carl down.
- No, he understands me.
- Come on.
- Come with me.
- Stay right there.
What is this? Well, it's a pet cemetery, to honor the fallen, you know.
That's the dove, that's the squirrel, and in that one I just buried your whole shoe.
The lizard was really on there.
- This is a little creepy.
- Yeah.
Serial killer alert.
Are we really at a dead lizard's funeral in your mom's yard? You did this to us.
Did you just bring me out here to make fun of me? No.
Look, I don't like sharing how I feel, especially in front of the peanut gallery.
But I know it matters to you, so I invited them so they could all hear me say this.
You're an idiot.
You're worried that we're not alike enough to be together? One of my favorite things about us is how different we are.
It's the couples that are different that really work.
Look at these freaks.
His favorite movie is Die Hard and she's a horrible person.
My favorite movie is actually Love Actually.
Ooh, there's a sequel.
I've been scared to say this, but all those ways that you're different from me? That's why I love you.
I love you, Jules.
- May I help you? - Oh, hey, Rach, now bear with me, I have to order for everyone.
OK.
One soy largey, one teeny-tiny, one teeny-teeny-tiny unleaded, one Plain Jane extra yum, what the hell, make it a double yum.
Uh, a baby Joey, a midnight with a full moon, hold the pumpkin, a medium coffee, I need a heavy-D in a travel mug, please.
Two Crazy Ivans, a Sauron's Eye, also I need a "Damn!" and an iced "Damn!" A Sneaky Pete, a double-drip with a snip of whip, and a frap-cap heavy on the Oh, and let's see, what's fresh? OK, well, I'll take three raisin happy muffins, a French mustache, and, ugh a fart muffin, that is not for me.
Oh, and I forgot to order my own coffee.
Can I get a Taye Diggs, which is black and extra strong and smooth but also very sweet? Would it be easier if I came back there and made it myself?