Dharma & Greg s02e11 Episode Script

Okay, dealer takes three.
- What do you got? - Start stripping, baby.
Two pairs, kings and nines.
Okay.
A in a row.
What's that? A straight? You drew three cards and filled out a straight? Yeah.
Is that better than yours? Wait, let me look at the list.
You don't have to ook at the ist.
You won.
Oh, cool.
I like this game.
- Hey, have you won any yet? - Just deal.
- Can you hand me my pants? - Your pants? You don't have any pants, son.
I won them fair and square.
Oh, keep warm.
Good boys.
- Hey.
Look who's here.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Dharma, we're sorry to hasse you, but something's come up.
We need to talk to Greg.
Oh, we're just about to have sex.
Oh, terrific.
- Can you wait? - Sure.
What, about half an hour? - That should be good.
- Okay.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I had these on before.
- Who was that? - My folks wanna talk to you.
Tod them we're about to have sex.
They're gonna wait.
Your parents are in the living room waiting till we finish having sex? I told them about a half hour, so we' have to skip the fancy stuff.
Hey, Dharma, can I have that last piece of pie? Yeah, it's okay with me if it's okay with Abby.
Yeah, this is really gonna work for me.
Hey.
I thought we had a half hour.
Greg has trouble having sex when there's other peope here.
Who else is here? Nobody.
He' be right out.
'M gonna get some tea.
Lar, maybe you should try talking to Greg about sex, you know? Help him with his hang-ups.
Tried.
Can't.
T's one of his hang-ups.
Hey.
Dharma said you wanted to talk to me.
Yeah.
And we're so sorry we interrupted your lovemaking.
Don't mention it.
Greg, before sex, did you ever try massaging? No, reay, don't mention it.
See? Was Dharma showing you some of her card tricks? What, Dharma knows card tricks? Oh, yeah.
She's pretty good.
Oh, man, she was a magician's assistant in Vegas.
Was that before she dealt poker in Reno? - Tahoe.
- Tahoe.
She dealt blackjack in Reno.
Dharma, show Greg your fancy shuffle.
Yeah, show Greg your fancy shuffle.
Fancy shuffle? Don't know any fancy shuffe.
You mean that old thing? We're sorry to bother you with this, Greg.
T's just that our reguar awyer started a zydeco band and he really needs to focus on that.
Just what the world needs, another zydeco band.
Don't understand.
If you own the house and the land, and you don't wanna se there's nothing these peope can do.
- There is.
This is the Saunders Group.
Know David Saunders.
F he's determined to buid a subdivision, he' find a way.
Wait a minute.
You know this Saunders guy? Yeah, he's bad news.
We went to Harvard together, he belongs to our country club Enough said.
F you know this guy, why don't you have him over and explain the situation? Dharma, he's a snake.
He's a rat.
We, he can't be both.
What year was he born? ' ' write him a nasty etter and see if he backs off.
' Cut you for it.
- I win, we send the letter.
- I win, we have him over for dinner.
Fine.
' shuffe.
Fine.
King.
- Beat that.
- Okay.
I come across this great piece of land, perfect for a golf course but there's this historica marker on it.
Indian burial ground.
Sacred.
T turns out it' cost $5 miion to move the graves and dedicate a new cemetery.
And then it hits me.
T' ony cost a hundred bucks to move the sign.
Lakota Links.
You built a golf course on a sacred Indian burial ground? No, no, no, just the driving range.
Yeah, the course itself used to be some kind of nature preserve.
- Need a refill there, David? - Oh, thanks.
We, see you haven't ost your taste for cheap wine.
Made it fresh this afternoon.
Hey, who wants to see a card trick? Oh, David does magic.
He can make his wedding ring disappear just by getting on an airplane.
- Patty.
- Kidding.
'M kidding.
You're so sensitive.
So, Montgomery, when was the last time we got together? Don't know.
T coud've been that time when you and your friends Iocked me in the trunk of the car and told me it was stalled on a railroad track.
Right.
He wet himself when the train went by.
Fun times, huh? Hey, who wants some more cheap wine? Guess.
So did you guys meet in college or? I was majoring in Animal Husbandry.
Sn't that ironic? - Have you had enough to drink? - No, I can still see you.
- Hey, bet dinner's ready.
- Yeah, Dharma made an incredible meal.
Vegetarian lasagna.
T's a recipe earned standing at the knee of my mother in the kitchen of our warm family home.
Reay? Don't have to cook.
I just have to let that climb on top of me.
Dharma, why don't give you a hand with the food? - Oh, hey, good idea.
- Okay.
Told you.
Those poor, poor people.
- What? - Oh, I feel bad for them, Greg.
I mean, he's a tough on the outside but inside, there's a very scared itte boy.
Only if he ate one.
Greg, there's good in every person.
Do you honestly believe that? You beieve there's something good in David Saunders? Yes.
I think that if we show that man a little love his goodness will shine through.
Dharma, he parked me next to the railroad tracks and let me think I was going to die.
He didn't put you on the tracks, did he? - Well, no.
- And why do you think that is? Because it was his car.
So did you like the lasagna? ' Et you know in an hour.
You know, as it turns out, I know someone who knows you.
- You do? Who's that? - My parents.
You've been taking about buying their house.
T's possibe.
Tak to a ot of peope.
Yeah.
You know, David actually, you might be able to do me a teeny favor.
They don't wanna se, and they're feeing pressure.
Oh, okay.
See? You know I told you they had an angle.
Are your parents those people in Pleasanton? No.
The guy without the voice box in San Bruno? - No.
- Oh, good, because he is creepy.
"Pease don't buy my house.
" No, her parents are the Finkelsteins in Marin.
The old hippie couple who always comes to the door naked? They put the door back up? We, it's winter.
T's getting a itte nippy.
Don't know what brand of bananas they're smoking but I offered a great price.
They shoud've taken it.
Well, you have to understand they built that house with their own hands.
It means a lot to them.
Really? I had no idea.
- And I helped.
I did all the wiring myself.
- You're aso an eectrician? Well, I was home-schooled.
It was my seventh-grade science project.
You know, Dharma I usually try to separate my emotions from my business dealings but you've made a very compelling case.
I have? Yeah, you really touched me.
Good.
That means don't have to.
Okay, find the queen.
- Don't know.
- T's right in the midde.
Oh, I knew it.
Okay, et's try again.
Find the queen.
Here, ' give you a hint.
- Oh, no.
- No, just let the machine pick it up.
We can 't come to the phone right now.
Leave a message.
And if you're calling about the rabbits, /'m sorry, they've all been adopted.
What rabbits? I found a bunch of rabbits.
Didn't te you? Dharma, it's your father.
Larry.
Okay, somehow this David Saunders guy found out we built the house ourselves and now we got building inspectors all over saying it's not up to code.
So call me.
Bye.
This was Larry.
- Can't beieve he did that.
- I told you he was evil.
Now will you just please let me handle this my way? No, Greg.
I refuse to believe this man does not have a shred of humanity.
You're not gonna ca him.
What happened to Find the Queen? Check your shorts.
Don't worry, we're gonna do something real fun with that later.
So I thought if you could see how much this house is a part of them you'd change your mind.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Kitchen/planetarium.
See all the constellations? Except for the water stain when the bathtub overflowed.
Bathtub? Didn't know you had a second story.
Oh, we don't.
Come on.
' Show you the rest of the house.
Come on.
- What is this? - T's my od room.
- Where do you sleep? - Here.
T's a gas during an earthquake.
- How'd you get this in here? - My parents built the room around it.
We had to raise the roof the summer I had my growth spurt because I kept knocking myself out.
Oh, hey, check this out.
My dad made it.
T's Nixon.
I am not a crook.
Cute.
So where are your parents? They're upset, so thought it'd be better if I showed the house without them.
Why don't we cut to the chase? We both know why we're here.
We do? You wanna sleep with me so won't take your parents' house.
- What? - 'M not making any promises but give it your best shot.
Okay.
Okay, this is not turning me on.
Oh, reay? Why don't we try this? That was good for me.
You wanna go again, or do you need some time? Can't beieve he came on to you.
'M gonna hurt the guy.
'M gonna hurt him bad.
No, Greg, listen to me.
If you wrestle a pig, you only get dirty and the pig has all the fun.
- What? - T's true.
I learned that when I was an auctioneer in lowa.
You were an auctioneer in lowa? There's somebody at the door, somebody at the door.
Gotta answer the door.
I have Larry at the door.
Larry going once, Larry going twice.
Hey, Larry, Larry, Larry at the door.
- Is everything going really fast right now? - Yeah.
What's up? - David Saunders is suing us.
- What? He says you pushed him off the trampoline and he injured his back.
You don't have to hit me in the head with a can of corn.
Let's get him.
You know your son, he's gonna pursue every legal option to destroy this man.
- Of course.
- But what I want is much worse.
Which is why I come to you.
Dharma, you look so pretty to me right now.
Thank you.
Now, you have several options open to you.
Do you want to hurt him personally, professionally or psychologically? Yes.
Look at her, Edward, she's positivey gowing.
- You' need to dig up dirt on this man.
- Okay, how do I do that? Who was that investigator you had following me during our itte troube in the '70s? You know, when I had the perm? Oh, don't use him anymore.
I thought I saw him in the steam room at the club the other day.
- No, 'm sure you didn't.
- And behind me on the Bay Bridge.
A guilty conscience needs no accuser, Edward.
Is there something you want to tell me? 'Ve been peeing out in the backyard.
Okay.
I think I pretty much know how to hande this.
' eave you guys aone.
All right.
The minute he leaves the house, we tail him.
Look, there he is.
Quick, duck down.
- What's he doing? - Don't know.
Looks ike he's taking something in a big garbage bag out to the garbage.
What do you think it is? Think it's garbage.
Nine-eighteen, subject takes out what appears to be garbage.
Any more Ho Hos? No, all gone.
Nine-nineteen, ran out of Ho Hos.
String cheese? Nope.
Also out of string cheese.
How long have we been out here? N 10 minutes, it' be a haf hour.
'M so bored.
I tell you what.
Why don't we take shifts? ' Keep watch while you get some shuteye.
- Excellent idea.
- All right.
- 'M awake.
'm awake.
- 'M awake.
- 'M awake.
Okay.
- 'M awake.
Do you think anybody heard that? - Don't know.
Better cover.
- Road hog! Jane, we've been here for 40 minutes, we have to do something.
We could go through his garbage.
- For evidence? - Or shoes.
Rich people throw out shoes.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Masks, masks.
Check? Check.
- You brought rubber gloves? - Didn't you? Didn't know we were gonna go through trash.
Neither did I.
Okay, et's see what we got here.
He has a cat.
We' start with this one.
- Oh, yeah, got him.
- What? Cans, bottles, newspapers.
The man doesn't recyce.
Monster.
Somebody's coming.
You take this one.
' take this one.
Oh, he's got a cat.
A sick cat, I think.
You know, I never imagined 'd be doing anything ike this.
You've never reay oved a woman, have you? Don't move.
- Oh, God.
- Not again.
Drop your pants, do a little dance.
What are you doing here? Same thing you're doing.
Going through garbage.
Did everyone bring rubber gloves but me? Where'd you get the idea? Your mother.
I thought you were pursuing legal options.
I buried him in paperwork, 've fied for a restraining order.
- And then I was talking to my mother - Someone's coming.
Look at this.
Jerk doesn't recyce.
Oh, man, smells like he owns a monkey.
- Hold it right there.
Justice Department.
- Treasury Department.
San Francisco Library.
Organ donor.
- What are you doing? - Investigating Saunders for tax fraud.
Okay, first Jane and I go through the trash and then Greg and Pete, then you guys.
Ma'am, we're agents of the Internal Revenue Service conducting an official investigation.
And that gives you the right to cut in line? Let me handle this.
How long have you been investigating Saunders? About six years.
We know he's dirty, but we haven't been abe to find anything.
Hello.
Good night.
What you doing? Hi.
You remember me? 'm Dharma.
This is Greg.
This is my friend Jane, this is Greg's friend Pete, and this is - Arthur.
- John.
Arthur and John from the Treasury Department.
We're upset with your husband, so we were looking for stuff to - Nail him to the wall? - Yeah.
Would you like the second set of books with all the tax-fraud stuff in it? - Yeah.
- Cool.
- That' work.
- Yeah.
- Wait here.
- Okay.
Six years? Did you ever think to ask? Well, what do you think? T's a ot easier than thought.
I told you.
Once you get it bouncing, it does half the work for you.
Dharma, are you done? Yeah, Abby.
Greg, how about you? Yes, Abby.
I heard the springs stop, so I brought some snacks.
Oh, cool.
Just like high school.
No, no, what's the rue? Oh, right.
You're the first.