Dilbert (1999) s02e11 Episode Script

I'll feign interest and ask you what you're doing, but my subtext will be, "I don't really care.
" I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet.
So you're on the computer trying to buy a computer from, essentially, another computer.
And your point is? Who needs you? What are you talking about? Isn't it obvious? You're letting the computers take over.
You're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy and to finally disappear.
Stop turning this into a science-fiction story.
I'm just trying to buy a computer.
Ah, that's what they want you to think.
What you're really doing is helping computers all around the world link up to form a colossal super-being.
Once it achieves consciousness, I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose.
And I guess then the computers will try to get rid of us? Don't worry.
I have a plan to save humanity.
That's very noble of you.
When I say "save," I mean as in "I save stamps" or "I save old bottles.
" Ooh, the 750A has a vector cooling system, but the 750B has dynamic memory caching and a modular backplane.
Why must I be forced to choose? Can you live without those things? I don't see how that's possible.
Maybe I can order a custom-designed model.
One of these One of those Can't live without that.
Oh, now that's a home computer system.
The other engineers will be forced to bow before me, and it only costs, what? $27,000.
The other engineers won't even know you have it.
They will if I have it delivered to the office.
I'll give them some time to drool over it before I bring it home.
Hmm, travel miles vacation miles, phone miles Here it is.
Medical miles.
I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia operation, not necessarily when I need it, but whenever they have the excess capacity.
Still, it's a good deal.
Do you ever worry about putting your credit card information on the Internet? That is the most ridiculous question I have ever heard.
It is no riskier to use your credit card online than to use it in any store.
Uh, make sure you sign the back.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
I hear you have excellent rates.
It's got redundant raid drives, four terabits each, three-millisecond access time, built-in DSL, wireless game ports, flat-panel 30-inch monitor Wow! Truly, you have ordered the finest home computer known to mankind.
Well, I don't know if it's the finest ever.
Can I touch it if I wash my hands first? Especially this one! I'll have to think about that.
That's all I ask! What are you going to name it? Don't be silly.
Come on, what's its name? Bill.
Excuse me.
Don't worry, I do the same thing almost every time I get in the elevator.
I don't know if it's the motion or what.
I'm looking for someone named Dilbert.
Sounds vaguely familiar.
I have a package for him.
I'll sign for it.
"Is the package complete and exactly what you ordered?" Looks about right.
Your name is Eunice? That's an alias I use when I go line-dancing.
I didn't know you needed an alias to line-dance.
You do when you kick as hard as I do.
There's a big box by the elevators with your name on it.
Why would an elevator have my name on it? You may use my house key to tear open the box.
It has very sharp teeth.
No, we need the right tools for the job.
I once killed a coyote with this key.
It was very small.
It might have been a potato.
I have just the thing.
The T300 pocketknife.
The T300 is old technology, my friend.
Gaze upon the T400.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ya! That doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me! Don't be ridiculous.
Of course it's That's not what I ordered.
It's old technology! To think I once respected you.
Now the notion fills me with disgust.
Oh, where have all the cowboys gone, indeed? Don't write me off yet.
This is clearly their mistake, and they will rectify it.
Mark my words.
If you would like to start over, press 61.
Any luck? I don't believe in luck.
That's good, because if you did, you wouldn't have any.
You've been on hold for an hour.
I'm not on hold.
I'm waiting for the right menu choice.
If you want to speak to a live recording, press 63.
If you want to speak with a representative of congress, press 64.
Tease.
No good choices yet? Number 46 was promising, but I don't speak Mandarin and I'm not inquiring about a tractor.
Dang, I didn't hear that one.
That might have been the one.
It's never the one.
You think it's the one, but it's just the one that gives you more choices that aren't the one.
Comp-U-Comp can't hide from me forever.
I'll find a live person to talk to.
What if they don't have any live people? They have to have people.
Not necessarily.
They could automate the ordering and billing systems and outsource all of the manufacturing functions.
Are you trying to tell me that the world has already been taken over by computers and we just don't know it? Let's examine the evidence.
So far, you've ordered a computer on a computer from a computer, and now you're listening to a computer.
Where are the humans? Show me the humans.
If you'd like to sleep with me, press 73 I see no humans in this process.
Well, that's just crazy.
Wait, this might be it.
If you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee of a fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls, press 74.
Aha! People! Thank you for calling uh, Comp-Puke-Comp or it's perhaps Comp-Ah-Comp I believe it's Comp-U-Comp.
What are you calling me for if you know so much? Before I get to that, first of all, may I have your name? That way they know they're accountable.
Uh, my name is Uh Hold- Hold'em.
Hold'em Callfielder.
Aha.
Yes.
Well, then, Mr.
Callfielder, I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied, don't you? Yeah, it's all I live for- that, my minimum wage, and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first.
I'll take that as a yes.
Anyway, I would like to return the computer you sent me and get the correct model.
Well, according to our records, A "Eunice" says the computer was the right one.
I don't know any Eunice.
I used to line-dance with a Eunice until the day she showed up wearing steel-toed boots.
Right.
Well, the point is, you owe me a new computer.
I'm not authorized to approve that.
Then I'd like to speak with your supervisor.
All right.
I'm getting a supervisor.
I'm moving up the chain.
Hello.
This is the supervisor.
My name is Callin' Callin' Holdenphone.
Can you approve sending me the computer I ordered? Oh, no, I can only do what my computer screen tells me to do.
Well, can you talk to someone who can make a decision? Uh, there isn't anybody like that.
No one exists who can override the information on the computer screen? I think I just said that, only using different words.
Look, I'm going to go down to your office.
We don't have one.
Warehouse? No.
Headquarters? Uh-uh.
Well, you must be somewhere.
Where are you located? Uh, I'm not allowed to give out that information.
Have a nice day.
Well, Dilbert, I see you're in on this little scam too.
What scam? This is the post office.
If you know the secret password, they give you free merchandise.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
The secret password is "Bob Johnson.
" If you say "Bob Johnson," sometimes they'll go in the back and get a package for you.
It also works with "Jim Smith," but you have to get here early.
Don't they ask you for ID? They know me here.
They really know how to make me feel wanted.
I'd like to mail this package.
Next! Bob Johnson.
No can do.
"No can do"? You used regular adhesive tape.
Can't you read the sign? No.
That's unacceptable postal packaging.
I'll have no part of it.
Couldn't you just put some regulation tape on it? You've got a whole roll of it right there.
Here you go.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
See you next week.
I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person.
Come on, you cowardly uber-computer, show yourself.
Looks like somebody's not working.
I'm working.
I didn't say it was you.
Nothing but post office mailboxes.
It's as if Comp-U-Comp doesn't even exist.
Uh, thank you for calling Comp-U-Comp.
How may I help you? Are you telling me we're THE COMP-U-COMP COMPANY? No, we're just the fulfillment center.
I'm not allowed to tell you where Comp-U-Comp is.
Greetings, boys.
Would you mind pointing me in the direction of my office? It's him- Eunice! No! No, don't let him kick me again! I'll tell you where Comp-U-Comp is.
I'll tell you everything! Shouldn't we be working? He's right, you know.
It's a question of appropriateness.
There it is! I don't see any people.
There has to be someone here someplace.
Halt! Who dares to gaze upon the magnificent Comp-U-Comp? Hi.
I'm Dilbert and these are It's a rhetorical question; I don't care.
Well, then who do I talk to about returning this computer? Silence! Their customer service leaves something to be desired.
Silence? Who do you think you are? Who am I? Where were you three seconds ago? Get the wax out of your ears, human.
A problem, I might add, computers don't suffer from.
I am Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.
I am created from the synthesis of worldwide computers networked together.
So it's true.
You bet your ass- something else computers don't have.
Okay, then you should be able to take back this computer and give me the right one.
The cow does not order the farmer around.
Good point there.
That is not a good point.
Comp-U-Comp is just a computer, not some superior form of life.
I am your servant, oh, mighty one! Silence! Leave here now.
I'm not some clerk.
Perhaps you weren't listening.
I am Comp-U-Comp! I heard you, but I'm not leaving until you exchange this computer, and I'm not believing you're some kind of superior life-form.
Perhaps we could settle this with some sort of competition.
Fine.
We'll see if you're superior to humans by having a little competition.
That was my idea.
You're doing nothing but imitating me.
Oh, yeah? Maybe it's you who is imitating me.
Very mature, Dilbert.
Good job representing our species.
Best two out of three events.
You pick them.
If I win, you take this computer back and give me the one I ordered.
If you win, I agree you're a superior form of life.
What's this penny-ante crap? You're playing Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.
If you win, I'll take the computer back and give you the one you ordered, but if I win, I download your brains and dispose of your bodies.
I really want that computer I ordered.
All right.
Deal.
Deal! Too late- it's a deal.
All right, first, I pick chess Big surprise.
And badminton Badminton? Badminton's fun.
You don't like badminton? No, no, I love it.
And Scrabble! Dogbert This better be important.
My life depends on it.
Dogbert, seriously I love doing that.
I need you to bring some things from the house- chess board Beverages.
Badminton set Beverages.
Scrabble board Beverages.
My sneakers Beverages.
All right! Beverages.
I have already calculated 4 billion potential outcomes.
Guess how many of those has you winning.
That's right- none.
Hey, I didn't jabber when you were trying to make a move.
Do you know how many ways the human body can spontaneously malfunction resulting in instant death? Seven million.
Can't let it get to me.
Does anyone feel itchy? Seems very itchy in here.
Stupid mind games.
Have you ever wondered what happens when humans die? I know the answer.
All I'm saying is big surprise.
Rook to queen four.
Checkmate.
You have proven you are inferior.
That's only one event.
We're not done yet.
Close the door.
You're letting in a draft.
Looks like a tough job you have here.
Oh, I'll say.
Talk about dull.
You ever try making small talk with Comp-U-Comp? And arrogant.
You'd think he wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once in a while, you know, but what with controlling the world and all, he just can't be bothered.
"I can't.
I got to fix the stock market.
" "I can't.
I got to start a war.
" Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know what it's like working for a computer? He don't eat.
He don't sleep.
He don't get sick.
So you can imagine my benefits package.
I'm the last human being in this company.
I'll bet you're thirsty.
Well, I wouldn't mind wetting my whistle.
Go, human beings! Whoo-hoo! Ah Oh, that's good.
What happens if the plug gets pulled? Oh, nothing much.
If Comp-U-Comp loses power, the world will come to an end, that's all.
Another? Uh don't mind if I do.
That's 20 to 19.
Take that And that And that.
Do you think Dilbert will realize if he hits it softly, it won't bounce all the way back? Maybe someone should yell THAT.
Shut up! No coaching! Do over! Do over! Do over? You were on the line.
No, I wasn't.
Uh, I wasn't ready.
Yes, you were.
You're always ready.
Uh, I hurt my leg.
Ow! Ow! You don't have a leg.
Stop being a crybaby.
Tie score.
Ooh Well, that soda goes right through me.
Have you ever been to Niagara Falls? It's beautiful this time of year.
Oh, boy.
We're all tied up- one event apiece.
Scrabble shall determine the victor.
Intern Yes? Put all my letters in the middle of the board.
That's not a word.
It will be in a minute.
After the hurricane, the streets were covered with wipqozn.
I hope I'm pronouncing that right.
Do you challenge? You're letting our entire species down, you moron! Do the insults help? It can't hurt.
You stupid putz.
But the best thing about the ocean is that on a clear night you can see thousands of stars tinkling.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
My, my, my, my.
Oh, wow.
Hey, promise you won't let anyone pull that plug? If you do, the whole world will come to an end.
I promise.
Oh, gee, that's right- there's no bathroom in this darned building.
Luckily, his legs were crossed when I made that promise.
I am Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.
I am Comp-U Comp the magnificent.
I am Comp U Comp The That's the one I ordered.
Hmm did you feel something? No.
You should probably have that checked out by a doctor.
I am Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.
I am Comp-U-Comp the Well I think I proved my point.
How about a game of Wiffle ball? Ping-Pong? Knock hockey? How about shuffleboard? It can be very challenging.
Yee-haw! The hernia operation was a success.
I'll be up and around in no time.
But you didn't have a hernia.
No, but it seemed such a waste not to use the miles.
In breaking news, the giant Comp-U-Comp company is in deep wipqozn after a general power failure.
A new CEO was named today- Bob Johnson- also known as Jim Smith, also known as Eunice.
In an unexpected move, he vowed to loot the assets of the company and, as he put it, "skedaddle.
" Well, it all worked out for the best.
We didn't need any superior life-forms.
That's right.
We like it the way things are right now.
Each of us is exactly as superior as the next, no more, no less.
Is, uh, anyone going to eat that last napkin?