Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s02e11 Episode Script

Is it too early for a diet soda? It is not.
Good morning, June.
Come.
Take a seat.
Why are you dressed like that? It has been one year to the day since you moved to New York city.
Oh.
I guess you're right.
It has been.
Are you finished? I asked you to sit down today so I can give you your annual evaluation.
This is silly.
I don't have time for this.
I'm gonna be late for work.
You got a "D.
" A "D"? it's all spelled out right there on this sheet of paper.
What did I do to deserve a "D"? you tell me.
Was that in slo-Mo for you, too? I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch but I can tell you Ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba ba-Da-Da-Da-Da-Ba, ba-Da-Ba Yoga, right? Ohh.
Thank you for inviting me, Luther.
This is just what I needed.
Oh, tell me about it.
After a long workday, I love to come here and really connect with James.
James Martinez, the instructor.
Namaste, Luther.
Namaste, James Martinez! His Facebook says his mom's in town.
I bet he's off to take his mom somewhere nice.
Anyway, you should come to yoga more often.
I can tell how stressed you've been since starting your new job.
Working isn't half as stressful as living with Chloe.
This morning, she gave me an evaluation for my first year living in New York.
I got a "D.
" A "D"? Oh, honey, that can't be.
You've got a great job, your skin is flawless, and I can always count on you to have apples.
Wait.
When's the last time you went on a date with a good guy? Hmm.
I guess it has been a while.
That has gotta be it.
Chloe is always yelling at me to get some more dudes in my dog house.
Say no more, June.
I have the perfect man for you.
James' agent has this cute assistant, Will.
I don't know.
I don't really do blind dates.
Although I can hear Chloe's voice in my head-- "Woof, woof.
" That's her, barking at me and pointing at my dog house.
What is he like? Will is just your type-- Thin, white, and punctual.
hmm.
I haven't been to one of these small porn theaters in forever.
Chloe, this isn't a porn theater.
This is an art house cinema.
They screen classic films here.
And porn on Tuesday nights.
But it's thursday.
What are we doing here? Oh, no reason.
We're just here to watch "Annie Hall," perhaps the greatest film by one of the greatest directors of our time, Woody Allen who I have an audition with! Yay, James! That's amazing.
I know, right? Thank you.
The film's called "Monte Carlo, Monte Carla.
" Ah.
It's the latest in his around the world comedy series, and my first Woody Allen Audition since he blacklisted me ten years ago.
Boy, jazz sucks, huh? Right? What? Come on.
It's a dead art.
We were all thinking it! This is my shot at redemption.
I get it, and to show my support of you, I'm gonna buy the movie tickets, but they're gonna be for tuesday, and we're gonna see "No country for old men who like big butts.
" Ooh, la la la "Sorry.
Running 15 minutes late.
" Not punctual like Luther described.
Hi.
June? Will.
But you just texted-- I like to underpromise and overdeliver.
I can see that.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to you, too.
Meet.
There was supposed to be a "meet" in the middle of that sentence.
You served me a meet-less sentence sandwich.
What are we talking about? I don't know.
Um I'm sorry.
This is work.
Can I Oh, sure.
This is Will.
Uh-huh.
Well, I-I'm not at my okay.
I'll get right to it.
I'm so sorry.
I've gotta head back to the office.
Is there any way that that we can do this exact same thing tomorrow Night? Tomorrow's great.
I'll you then.
You left out "See" On purpose.
I did.
Ugh.
Forgot the olives.
June! June, hey.
Do we have any olives? Yeah, they're in the fridge.
Eh.
Screw it.
Guess what? I'm not telling you this because I care about your dumb grade, but I am going on a date tonight.
A second date.
Ooh, look at you, upping your game.
This could Bode very Well for next year's eval.
How many times have you had sex with him? Zero.
We've only been on one date.
What are you doing? Seeing if your "V" Has been stolen.
Oh, get out of there.
You know I don't do things that way.
You don't do things any way.
That's the problem.
You date like a quaker.
We'll see.
Maybe we'll sit on the same side of the Booth, or split a sweet crepe.
Quaker words! I'll be at a gallery opening.
Gonna try and turn some gays.
It's fun.
It's a sport.
An olympic sport? Yeah.
Maybe.
And she was just peeing? Yes.
In the street.
Beautiful woman.
Gorgeous dress.
Peeing.
And she looked over at me, and she goes "Shh.
" Aw.
Oh, it's that same client from yesterday.
But I'm--I'm not gonna let it ruin our date a second time.
Is it James? I bet it's James.
No, no.
James is great.
He--He just asks for normal stuff like scripts.
But we also represent this obnoxious novelist.
Mm.
My boss, Donnie, is convinced that Spaulding is a genius, so I have to bend over backwards for some maniac.
I can totally relate.
My roommate drives me nuts.
She has ruined at least six of my hats.
Has she, uh, ordered you to get charo tickets? Because that's what I'm dealing with.
Here--call me.
Do you wanna see what Spaulding did to my phone? I'll--I'll--I'll turn on the, uh, the volume.
Cuchi cuchi.
Cuchi cuchi.
Ridiculous, right? Cuchi smoochie.
That was a nice moment, and I ruined it.
Not--not that I'm sorry that I did it, 'cause I'm not a quaker.
You're weird.
I like you.
Hey, will.
So I just got home.
I-I had a really great time tonight.
Me, too.
So there's this new Thai place we should Oh.
Hold--hold on.
Will? What took you so long to pick up? That was two rings.
And where are my charo tickets? Friggin' idiot.
I swear to god, when mothers birth morons, are they doing it just to upset me? You're Spaulding? Yeah, Cristina Gardiacos Spaulding.
That's my pen name.
Wait.
How do you know that? I'm dating Will.
What?! why are you dating my agent's assistant? Why do you have an agent? James and I wanted to get backstage at the grammys.
He called up his agent, will showed up with backstage passes, and within the hour, I was getting wrecked in a dressing room with cee lo.
Funny twist--It wasn't actually cee lo.
It was a bottle of chocolate syrup.
Anyway, that's when I realized I need this kind of stuff to happen all the time.
I needed an agent's assistant.
But you're not a writer.
Yes, I am.
I have a pen name, and I wrote two pages of a novel called "Figs for Marie.
" I gave it to James' agent, and he signed me on the spot.
Chloe, you can't take advantage of Will like this.
Take advantage? June, I give my agent 10% of everything I make.
Technically, I'm paying Will's salary.
But you're not making them any money.
Exactly.
I make nothing, and I still give them 10%.
That's how good of a person I am, June.
No.
Will is a good person.
By "Good," you obviously don't mean good at his job.
Examples-- He puts me on hold.
I went to voice mail last week, and he still hasn't gotten me those tickets.
Do you know how important Charo is to me? Do you? She's my Cher.
You're not gonna find your answer in that bottle, June.
Once again, Chloe ha-- Before I explain, how long have you been listening? I've heard enough to comment.
How am I gonna tell will that we have the same bitch? He'll probably think it's funny, like, in a small world, what-are-the-odds kind of a way.
Like how me and Gerald ford have the same birthday.
Jack Nicholson and Peter Frampton.
Huh.
Two talents.
See? What are the odds? It's here.
It's here.
Oh! It's been ten years since I've held script pages by Woody Allen.
The name of the film is "Monte Carlo, Monte Carla.
" Obviously, I will be Carlo.
You read Carla.
"Carlo, why are you acting this way?" "Because, Carla, I'm a woman.
" Whoa.
Complex character.
Luther, keep reading.
"I am glad that you are a woman, Carlo, because I'm a man.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What--what--what's happening? I don't know what's happening.
Whatever it is it is good.
Donnie Jarvis' Office.
Will, I just got the script pages.
I have no idea what character I'm supposed to be playing.
Already on it, James.
My friend over at his production company filled me in.
Oh, is Darla still there? Darla's been dead for five years.
Here's the deal-- The film takes place at a mens'-Only baccarat room in Monte Carlo.
The female lead dresses up as a man to sneak in, but little does she know that a male journalist is dressing up as a woman to expose the archaic rules of the casino.
Against all odds, they fall in love.
Ohh.
Of course.
You're amazing, Will.
Thank you.
What did you find out? I found out that if I get this role, I'm gonna win an academy award.
So does James kiss you hello? He's always kissing me hello.
Funny.
So do you ever think about I don't know, how small, uh, the world is? Every time I see my butcher at the gym.
Mm.
Well, it turns out my bitch is your bitch.
I found out last night that my roommate Chloe is your obnoxious novelist.
Her pen name is Spaulding.
Are you serious? Wow.
That's crazy.
That--I cannot believe that we both have to deal with the same nut case every day.
Yeah, you're right.
She--she is a total nut case.
But I've lived with her for a year, and I know that deep, deep, deep deep, deep down Mm.
That she is a really good person.
And I bet that if we all got together, and she had a chance to know you, that there is no way that she'd be able to continue to treat you badly.
Okay.
But only if you buy these drinks.
You've got it.
I'm kidding.
Give me that.
No.
I'm serious.
Give me that.
No.
I'm gonna have to tickle you.
You can't have it.
No.
No.
Tickling look, guys, I understand you're tickling each other, but this is a popular place.
If you're not gonna order another round, I'm gonna need these seats.
Great rehearsal, Luther.
I think we've earned ourselves an afternoon snack.
Peanut butter and banana on wheat for you, coleslaw for me.
Donnie just sent me an e-mail.
He scheduled my audition for 9:00 a.
m.
You're puffy.
You're sleepy.
My instrument is cold.
Which is the exact reason I knitted you that scarf.
I'm not wearing a scarf to bed, Luther.
Well, you're not wearing it outside, either, so why don't I just throw it in the trash? I'll call Will.
He'll fix this.
Saw it.
Changed it.
You're at 3:45.
Oh! The perfect audition time.
You're stomach has flattened since lunch, but you're not hungry yet.
Thank you.
Whew.
Disaster averted.
Thank god.
I'm sorry, James.
I just realized you have no bananas.
I have to get new bananas.
That's an amazing vocal exercise.
No bananas, new bananas.
No bananas, new bananas.
No bananas, new bananas.
No bananas, new bananas.
No bananas, new bananas.
No ba-- No bananas, new ba-- just me.
Oh.
So Charo owns this place? Oh, my God.
My agent's assistant is here.
Don't look.
Chloe, I invited Will here because I really like him, and I want you to give him a chance.
Gross.
No.
No, Chloe, I like will.
And I'm gonna date will, and I can't do that if you keep making him miserable.
So just try and get to know him as a person and not as an assistant.
Come on.
I'm buying.
Okay, fine.
But I'm not doing this for you.
I'm doing this for charo.
She could use the money after Cuchi World Nearly burnt down half of Encino.
Hey.
Hi.
Ooh.
This is Will.
Get me a town car.
My roommate tricked me into hanging out with her annoying boyfriend.
Ew.
He's staring at me right now.
Ha ha ha.
That's funny.
She called you from right across the table.
No.
That isn't funny.
I am done taking your calls when I'm not at work.
This is my personal time.
I wanna spend it with June.
If you'd like to join us, then stop treating me like your errand boy.
I like this side of you.
You're like a homeless lady with just enough fight inside of her to survive winter.
Servant! Sangria, please! So I was like, "Of course I can sleep at machu picchu.
My grandfather built this place.
" Amazing.
I have gotta get to peru.
Well, you guys, this has been very fun, but I think it's time I left you two lovebirds alone.
Don't forget your tickets.
I was wrong about you, Will.
You guys don't have to worry about me interfering with your relationship anymore.
Wow, I cannot believe it.
You were right.
She is actually pretty cool.
Mm-hmm.
It's my boss.
Hey, Donnie.
What's up? Will, my man.
Just got off the phone with our favorite novelist.
She said you two had dinner tonight.
Yeah, yeah.
We were just-- Yeah, she's pretty upset.
Here's the thing, Buddy-- I'm all in on Spaulding.
I can't risk her leaving the agency, so I'm sorry, but I have no choice.
Chloe just got me fired.
Ahh.
You got Will fired.
June, I'm trying to read.
Why do you do these things? We had such a nice time tonight.
Yeah, and I really liked him.
And he totally earned my respect when he stood up to me.
I think he's great for you.
Then what is the problem? He's terrible for me.
I can't have my agent's assistant standing up to me like that.
I need somebody I can boss around.
So you two can be together, and Jarvis can hire somebody else to receive my numerous faxes.
So This is baccarat? I hate it.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You got Jarvis.
Donnie.
Hey.
Listen, yeah, I need to talk to will.
No need to go through will.
You got the man at the top.
Uh okay.
Well, listen, uh, my audition tomorrow--There seems to be some confusion.
It's supposed to be at 3:45, not 9:00 a.
m.
What's wrong with 9:00 a.
m.
? just get in there, get it over with.
Get it over with? What are I Put will on the phone.
I'm gonna be real with you, James, that's gonna require a conference call, and I do not know how to do that.
What's goin' on? Where's Will? Fired.
I fired him.
All right.
Jodie Foster's callin'.
I'm gonna have to take this.
Jodie! You got Jarvis.
Damn it.
How the hell do you-- Jo-- Jodie.
Jo-Fo.
You there, gal? Jodie, Jodie, Jodie, Jodie, Jodie, Jodie.
James, I need your help.
June, I would love to help you.
Helping people is what I say is my thing.
But I got problems of my own.
My agent's assistant-- I know.
I'm dating Will, and Chloe just got him fired.
What? Chloe wrote two pages of a novel so she could get repped by Donnie, so that will could be her errand boy.
And now he won't talk to me.
You've gotta get him his job back.
Ugh.
Luther, my phone.
Oh.
Sorry, Luther.
If I'd known my phone was in my pocket, I wouldn't have asked you for it.
That said, I liked not having to do that myself.
Let's add "comprehensive phone retrieval" to your job description.
Oh.
Do you think this is a game? Hmm? This is my career.
This is not a dating service.
This is not a concierge.
I did not emancipate myself at the age of 14, then hire my uncle as my manager, then fire him, then hire my mother, then fire her, and then hire my uncle back for this.
Donnie, look at me.
What do you see? I see the best.
That's right.
So here's what you're gonna do-- You're gonna hire Will back so he can get me that 3:45 audition time.
Otherwise, I have no choice but to leave the agency.
Bingo bango, James.
Will, welcome back.
Have a raise.
Thanks, Donnie.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm sorry.
Don't I get a say in this? Chloe, enough.
Stop pretending to be a novelist so you can badger Will for free stuff.
I am not pretending.
She's a talent, James.
She's only given me two pages, but they're so amazing, I know them by heart.
"as the sun set over the great divide, "butterflies rained down on Marie like figs in July.
" my words.
James! She stole my novel! Those are my exact words, in my exact word order! She's a fake.
Of course she is.
I'm about to slap me a plagiarist! Luther.
Luther.
Put that hand down.
You are not innocent in this.
If you hadn't tried to set up Will and June, none of this would have happened.
You leave me no choice.
I'm revoking the vision portion of your health insurance.
Oh, no.
Oh, James, come on.
It's not Luther's fault.
It's mine.
Love is your fault, June? Let me tell you what I think about love-- I believe in it.
And I believe that you and Will and your relationship is none of my business, as long as it doesn't interfere with my business.
Are we all on the same page? Yes.
Yeah.
No.
It took me years to write that novel.
Four trips to Georgia researching butterfly mating patterns.
And it shows, which is why I chose your work to steal.
Oh.
It does show, doesn't it? Each word is there for a reason, you know? Nothing gratuitous.
Nothing unnecessary.
"Gratuitous" And "Unnecessary" Are the same thing.
I will kill you! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
James? Where's the porcelain Wolf I bought you for christmas? So You got your job back.
We can celebrate? Um, Chloe sold me her charo tickets.
June, let's be clear-- I really want to see some feisty Latina entertainment with you.
But this chaos with Chloe is getting in the way.
I mean, she got me fired.
Why are you still living with her? You make good money now.
You can move.
I don't know.
She's she's my roommate.
Building.
Building.
Building.
There are thousands of other apartments you could live in, all with saner people in them.
You're right.
I don't have to live with Chloe anymore.
But I want to.
Why? Because she pushes me to do stuff I'd never do on my own.
If she hadn't given me a "D," I never would have gone on a blind date with you.
And I never would have kissed you in that restaurant if she hadn't called me a quaker.
I guess I just don't understand.
So let me be clear-- I, too, would like to see some feisty Latina entertainment with you, but not if it means moving there, there, or there.
Actually, that one's a hospital, but you--you get my point.
Working for Donnie is hard enough.
I can't deal with any more crazy in my life right now.
I understand.
That's fair.
Well, uh, call me if you change your job.
Call me if you change apartments.
June.
See, this is your problem.
If the man goes that way, you should go that way.
I can't give you what you need.
I need you to shut up and go to this concert with me.
You're not gonna take Will with you? No, I want to take you.
As friends or yes.
Of course as friends.
Okay, Good.
Yay.
"C"-minus.
I just raised your evaluation grade to "C"-minus.
I love charo.
I have all 27 of her records, even the ones she released as April Lopez/ Lupe Zapata Dd Vega Valdez.
Those are her two characters on "Love boat.
" I did not know that.
Nobody does.
That's the thing.
She gets no ink.
Cher could change her toothpaste and the gays have a whole Rose parade.
How about a Rose parade for Charo, gays? James? We're ready for you.
I hope I never have a child, because I'll hate to tell my son that the day he was born was the second-best day of my life.
Do you need script pages? I do not.
Okay.
Ready when you are.
Okay.