Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e11 Episode Script
Oh Very Young
Madonna tickets go on sale this morning, L.
A.
The line's already around the block.
Get down there and vogue.
Bonjour, ladies.
Bonjour.
Just my luck.
Linguistically deficient babes.
You know, the entire history of our great country could be deduced by studying women's underwear.
This ought to be worth listening to.
Go.
Take ancient times The fifties.
Our country was very uptight.
Women wore utilitarian brassieres, plain white cotton, three hooks.
We're talking monster bras.
That's insightful.
Then, in the sixties, things loosen up.
The youth movement kicked in.
Burn the bra.
Let it all hang out.
The beauty of the natural woman, fully visible under a diaphanous tie-dye garment.
Right on.
But then came the seventies.
Nixon was president.
Watergate.
America was depressed.
Women went back to covering their breasts.
It was a black era.
This is a great country.
We were down, but not out.
The eighties came along, and as a nation, we rallied.
American womanhood stood tall, took off their blouses and said, "I'm proud! I'm free! I'm going to wear my underwear on the outside!" America, America god shed his grace on thee and crown thy The patient is She was in the family car front seat, unsecured by a safety belt, when a drunk driver struck the vehicle head on.
The child was thrown forward and first struck the dashboard with her arms, resulting in multiple fractures of her left forearm.
Almost instantly, her face struck the dashboard, fracturing the facial bones, going through the frontal and ethmoid sinuses.
The momentum carried her body through the windshield, resulting in multiple lacerations of her face.
These are the pre-op photographs.
The next time someone you know puts a child into an automobile without securing their safety belt, you might remember how we feel at this moment.
My total operating time was 8 hours, 10 minutes.
It's been six weeks since the surgery.
I considered showing you postoperative photos, but decided against it.
But I'd like you to meet someone who's very close to the case.
Hi, Heather.
Hi, Dr.
John.
Can you say hello to the doctors? Do I get my ice cream now? Um, if you'll excuse me, i have a date.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all see why Dr.
reardon is considered one of the premier craniofacial surgeons in the United States.
Eastman is honored to have him here as a visiting professor.
I know you're anxious to learn who's working with him.
As far as I'm concerned, you all qualify, but I had to narrow it down to five.
The list of names is posted on the ground floor bulletin board, and I just Wanted to thank you for your time and Patience.
Yes! The man's got taste! Yes! Yes! Yes! Guess what? Doogie got me two tickets to the Madonna concert, so I'll pick you up Saturday at 7:00.
Curly, we have to talk.
Oh.
So talk.
Monica's back in town.
I thought you hated her.
I thought I did, too.
She moved back from New York.
We started seeing each other again.
I didn't know my feelings for her were still so strong.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how to describe it.
She overwhelms me.
I And I don't? Fine.
Curly.
I know, I know.
You're sorry.
Good evening.
Nurse spaulding, i wanted to see you about next week's roster.
Great.
Are you all right? I'm fine.
Well I wanted to assign I may be overstepping my bounds here, but why don't you tell me what's wrong? You're my boss.
It wouldn't be right.
Maybe you're right.
I'm a skag.
I beg your pardon? A skag.
A girl nobody wants.
Nurse spaulding, you are most definitely nowhere close to a skag.
You sure? Positive.
You are an extremely beautiful and desirable young woman.
I can't imagine anybody not wanting you.
Well, that's what i thought.
On paper, I look great.
It's just something happens when I hit the real world.
I either get guys who couldn't care less, or bums who just want to jump my bones.
Oh, excuse me.
Don't apologize.
I've heard things like that before.
I've been around.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you've been around.
Plenty.
God.
I just can't believe I'm back in the singles market again.
It just Sucks.
Yeah.
You know, once i was so desperate, I went out with a guy on parole.
Really? Nice guy, except he had these These beady little eyes.
I I put an ad in a magazine.
No way.
"Single male professional.
Nonsmoker.
Seeks female equivalent.
" Now, that's a grabber.
Well I i have trouble selling myself.
It's embarrassing.
How about this "Accomplished physician.
"Sensitive.
"Attractive.
"Wavy brown Hairs"? "Good sense of humor.
" How long have you been divorced? You know about that? Well, hospital grapevine.
The details are really sketchy.
Her name was Greta.
You met at Boston u.
, were married 12 years.
She left you for a golf pro, got good alimony, the house, and the dog.
God.
I miss that dog.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Are you ready, L.
A.
? Are you ready for Madonna? I can't hear you! Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you, Madonna! I love you, Madonna! Mmm.
Thanks.
For you.
I hear the concert for free This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
He's twice as old as her.
You're kidding.
As god is my witness Any chance he's paying her? Oh, would you stop? All I figure is, mcguire dumped her, and she went temporarily insane.
Ok.
Thanks.
Now, be cool.
He's my boss.
Oh, I'm the picture of decorum.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Oh.
Save me a slice.
I'll be right back.
O.
K.
The men's room is right over there.
Take your time.
We understand it's a greater effort than it used to be.
I'll do my best, Mr.
delpino.
So, spaulding, this a mercy date or what? This is nurse spaulding's business.
If she wants to tell us what on earth she was thinking when she asked Dr.
canfield on a date, she will.
He's nice.
He's old.
Well Yeah But he's nice, right? Older guys are o.
K.
If they have buff bodies and hair.
Yeah.
Hair's a definite must.
If older men don't look old, they're o.
K.
That is so deep.
Yeah.
If I may interject something here, nurse spaulding The idea of your young, firm, fragrant body co-mingling with the withered flesh and flabby buttocks of Dr.
canfield frankly makes me want to puke.
Vinnie I would've put it more delicately, but I have to agree with Vinnie.
You two look like you come from different generations.
Seems like a waste.
Cool it.
Well.
Oh, hi, Dr.
canfield.
Hi.
Curly, would you care to cut a rug? I'd love to.
Well, i i can't condone this.
I don't get it.
Check this out.
La la la la la la see people rockin' hear people chantin', feelin' hot, hot, hot Yes.
Keep up the spirit come on, let's do it feelin' hot, hot, hot feelin' hot, hot, hot Oh, no! Oh.
You guys are really cool together.
Yeah.
We are.
I wish I got along with my father like that.
Coming.
It looks awful, doesn't it? No.
Uh, David, could you come here? Quickly, dear.
Come in.
Have a seat.
David.
David: I'm coming, I'm coming.
David.
Oh! Ben's here, dear.
Oh, Benjamin.
What brings you here? I've had this in my closet the past couple of years perched on a styrofoam head.
I'm lucky the moths didn't get to it.
Or maybe I'm not.
Oh.
Don't be silly.
It looks very youthful.
What's the occasion? The most extraordinary thing has happened to me.
I find myself attracted to a woman half my age.
But I haven't decided whether to pursue it or not.
To be quite frank, i I don't want to look like an old fool chasing a young girl.
Ben, you're only an old fool if you don't catch her.
Katherine: Oh, let 'em stare, Ben.
Sometimes you just have to say The hell with them.
I'm really psyched about working with this guy.
He's proficient in plastic surgery, ophthalmology, dentistry, orthopedics, and neurosurgery.
He's the Bo Jackson of doctors.
Bo knows surgery.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Well, Benjamin, are you going to introduce me to the creme de la creme of eastman? My pleasure.
Jonathan reardon, these are doctors Reed, estevan, Welch, howser, mcguire.
Good morning.
Howser, how old are you? So you're the boy genius.
I read your paper on skin grafting in the western journal of medicine.
Impressive.
Thank you, sir.
I'm pleased to meet you, but I won't work with you.
What? What I do is very exacting.
Requires maturity and Patience.
In my experience, teenagers aren't noted for either one of those.
Pick a replacement.
This isn't fair.
I'm qualified.
Don't take it personally.
Wish my kid were like you.
My pride and joy aspires to be a professional skateboarder.
That's it? You're going to be nice like I'm some paper boy, and you're just saying, "i don't want to subscribe to your newspaper"? You can't do this.
I'm like the I do what I want.
Dr.
howser.
You have a minute? Sure.
I've been thinking about the other night, and maybe you were right.
The idea of me and canfield dating is ludicrous.
I mean, I like him, but am I really going to find true love with a 52-year-old man? Even if I did, my father would probably shoot me.
My friends would laugh in my face.
People here would think I'm sleeping my way to the top.
It's stupid for me to go out with him.
That's bunk.
I better sit down.
If you really like him, why shouldn't you date him? He's old.
He's nice.
Writing somebody off because of how old they are is a big mistake.
I was acting like a small, narrow-minded, bigoted Bonehead? Thank you.
I was having a lapse of vocabulary.
Don't listen to what I said.
O.
K.
First you say don't do it.
Then you say go for it.
Doctor, for which opinion are you thinking like a genius? Hi.
So So You go first.
I was wondering if maybe you'd like to Sign this requisition.
Oh.
Oh, here.
Sure.
Well.
Me, too.
I feel like a high school kid.
I think that's sweet.
Will you go out with me? Yes.
Are you sure we're doing the right thing? No, but it's just one day, right? That that's That's all.
At the end of the evening, we can decide about settling down, marriage, family.
I think that sounds like a reasonable waiting period.
I have tickets to the Hollywood bowl Tuesday.
We're going to see yo-yo ma.
I love them.
It's him.
I love him.
Yeah! There.
Now do you feel better? No.
I'd like to give that arrogant egomaniac a piece of my mind.
Well, it's just a gut feeling, but I don't think my mother yelling at him would help my case.
If I was having skull surgery, I'd want you there.
I look forward to it, vin.
Good night, boys.
Night, mom.
Night, Mrs.
h.
Oh, Mrs.
h.
Can you explain spaulding and canfield to me? A beautiful young girl dating an old guy? What gives? Vinnie, when you're a teenager, you think about your attraction to other people in purely sexual terms.
You mean we're shallow? You're hormonal.
But as you get older and sex isn't such a mystery anymore and you realize how complicated life is, you start to find other qualities attractive.
Nurturing.
Intelligence.
Stability.
Understanding.
Is that how Dr.
howser won your heart, Mrs.
h? Yes, it is.
I knew she wasn't hot for his bod.
Good night, vin.
None of that nurturing stuff for me, doog.
Even when I'm in a nursing home, I'll look at women in purely sexual terms.
It's the bedrock of my personality.
Vincent delpino, the world's oldest horndog.
Something you can count on.
A.
The line's already around the block.
Get down there and vogue.
Bonjour, ladies.
Bonjour.
Just my luck.
Linguistically deficient babes.
You know, the entire history of our great country could be deduced by studying women's underwear.
This ought to be worth listening to.
Go.
Take ancient times The fifties.
Our country was very uptight.
Women wore utilitarian brassieres, plain white cotton, three hooks.
We're talking monster bras.
That's insightful.
Then, in the sixties, things loosen up.
The youth movement kicked in.
Burn the bra.
Let it all hang out.
The beauty of the natural woman, fully visible under a diaphanous tie-dye garment.
Right on.
But then came the seventies.
Nixon was president.
Watergate.
America was depressed.
Women went back to covering their breasts.
It was a black era.
This is a great country.
We were down, but not out.
The eighties came along, and as a nation, we rallied.
American womanhood stood tall, took off their blouses and said, "I'm proud! I'm free! I'm going to wear my underwear on the outside!" America, America god shed his grace on thee and crown thy The patient is She was in the family car front seat, unsecured by a safety belt, when a drunk driver struck the vehicle head on.
The child was thrown forward and first struck the dashboard with her arms, resulting in multiple fractures of her left forearm.
Almost instantly, her face struck the dashboard, fracturing the facial bones, going through the frontal and ethmoid sinuses.
The momentum carried her body through the windshield, resulting in multiple lacerations of her face.
These are the pre-op photographs.
The next time someone you know puts a child into an automobile without securing their safety belt, you might remember how we feel at this moment.
My total operating time was 8 hours, 10 minutes.
It's been six weeks since the surgery.
I considered showing you postoperative photos, but decided against it.
But I'd like you to meet someone who's very close to the case.
Hi, Heather.
Hi, Dr.
John.
Can you say hello to the doctors? Do I get my ice cream now? Um, if you'll excuse me, i have a date.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all see why Dr.
reardon is considered one of the premier craniofacial surgeons in the United States.
Eastman is honored to have him here as a visiting professor.
I know you're anxious to learn who's working with him.
As far as I'm concerned, you all qualify, but I had to narrow it down to five.
The list of names is posted on the ground floor bulletin board, and I just Wanted to thank you for your time and Patience.
Yes! The man's got taste! Yes! Yes! Yes! Guess what? Doogie got me two tickets to the Madonna concert, so I'll pick you up Saturday at 7:00.
Curly, we have to talk.
Oh.
So talk.
Monica's back in town.
I thought you hated her.
I thought I did, too.
She moved back from New York.
We started seeing each other again.
I didn't know my feelings for her were still so strong.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how to describe it.
She overwhelms me.
I And I don't? Fine.
Curly.
I know, I know.
You're sorry.
Good evening.
Nurse spaulding, i wanted to see you about next week's roster.
Great.
Are you all right? I'm fine.
Well I wanted to assign I may be overstepping my bounds here, but why don't you tell me what's wrong? You're my boss.
It wouldn't be right.
Maybe you're right.
I'm a skag.
I beg your pardon? A skag.
A girl nobody wants.
Nurse spaulding, you are most definitely nowhere close to a skag.
You sure? Positive.
You are an extremely beautiful and desirable young woman.
I can't imagine anybody not wanting you.
Well, that's what i thought.
On paper, I look great.
It's just something happens when I hit the real world.
I either get guys who couldn't care less, or bums who just want to jump my bones.
Oh, excuse me.
Don't apologize.
I've heard things like that before.
I've been around.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you've been around.
Plenty.
God.
I just can't believe I'm back in the singles market again.
It just Sucks.
Yeah.
You know, once i was so desperate, I went out with a guy on parole.
Really? Nice guy, except he had these These beady little eyes.
I I put an ad in a magazine.
No way.
"Single male professional.
Nonsmoker.
Seeks female equivalent.
" Now, that's a grabber.
Well I i have trouble selling myself.
It's embarrassing.
How about this "Accomplished physician.
"Sensitive.
"Attractive.
"Wavy brown Hairs"? "Good sense of humor.
" How long have you been divorced? You know about that? Well, hospital grapevine.
The details are really sketchy.
Her name was Greta.
You met at Boston u.
, were married 12 years.
She left you for a golf pro, got good alimony, the house, and the dog.
God.
I miss that dog.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Are you ready, L.
A.
? Are you ready for Madonna? I can't hear you! Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you, Madonna! I love you, Madonna! Mmm.
Thanks.
For you.
I hear the concert for free This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
He's twice as old as her.
You're kidding.
As god is my witness Any chance he's paying her? Oh, would you stop? All I figure is, mcguire dumped her, and she went temporarily insane.
Ok.
Thanks.
Now, be cool.
He's my boss.
Oh, I'm the picture of decorum.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
Oh.
Save me a slice.
I'll be right back.
O.
K.
The men's room is right over there.
Take your time.
We understand it's a greater effort than it used to be.
I'll do my best, Mr.
delpino.
So, spaulding, this a mercy date or what? This is nurse spaulding's business.
If she wants to tell us what on earth she was thinking when she asked Dr.
canfield on a date, she will.
He's nice.
He's old.
Well Yeah But he's nice, right? Older guys are o.
K.
If they have buff bodies and hair.
Yeah.
Hair's a definite must.
If older men don't look old, they're o.
K.
That is so deep.
Yeah.
If I may interject something here, nurse spaulding The idea of your young, firm, fragrant body co-mingling with the withered flesh and flabby buttocks of Dr.
canfield frankly makes me want to puke.
Vinnie I would've put it more delicately, but I have to agree with Vinnie.
You two look like you come from different generations.
Seems like a waste.
Cool it.
Well.
Oh, hi, Dr.
canfield.
Hi.
Curly, would you care to cut a rug? I'd love to.
Well, i i can't condone this.
I don't get it.
Check this out.
La la la la la la see people rockin' hear people chantin', feelin' hot, hot, hot Yes.
Keep up the spirit come on, let's do it feelin' hot, hot, hot feelin' hot, hot, hot Oh, no! Oh.
You guys are really cool together.
Yeah.
We are.
I wish I got along with my father like that.
Coming.
It looks awful, doesn't it? No.
Uh, David, could you come here? Quickly, dear.
Come in.
Have a seat.
David.
David: I'm coming, I'm coming.
David.
Oh! Ben's here, dear.
Oh, Benjamin.
What brings you here? I've had this in my closet the past couple of years perched on a styrofoam head.
I'm lucky the moths didn't get to it.
Or maybe I'm not.
Oh.
Don't be silly.
It looks very youthful.
What's the occasion? The most extraordinary thing has happened to me.
I find myself attracted to a woman half my age.
But I haven't decided whether to pursue it or not.
To be quite frank, i I don't want to look like an old fool chasing a young girl.
Ben, you're only an old fool if you don't catch her.
Katherine: Oh, let 'em stare, Ben.
Sometimes you just have to say The hell with them.
I'm really psyched about working with this guy.
He's proficient in plastic surgery, ophthalmology, dentistry, orthopedics, and neurosurgery.
He's the Bo Jackson of doctors.
Bo knows surgery.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Well, Benjamin, are you going to introduce me to the creme de la creme of eastman? My pleasure.
Jonathan reardon, these are doctors Reed, estevan, Welch, howser, mcguire.
Good morning.
Howser, how old are you? So you're the boy genius.
I read your paper on skin grafting in the western journal of medicine.
Impressive.
Thank you, sir.
I'm pleased to meet you, but I won't work with you.
What? What I do is very exacting.
Requires maturity and Patience.
In my experience, teenagers aren't noted for either one of those.
Pick a replacement.
This isn't fair.
I'm qualified.
Don't take it personally.
Wish my kid were like you.
My pride and joy aspires to be a professional skateboarder.
That's it? You're going to be nice like I'm some paper boy, and you're just saying, "i don't want to subscribe to your newspaper"? You can't do this.
I'm like the I do what I want.
Dr.
howser.
You have a minute? Sure.
I've been thinking about the other night, and maybe you were right.
The idea of me and canfield dating is ludicrous.
I mean, I like him, but am I really going to find true love with a 52-year-old man? Even if I did, my father would probably shoot me.
My friends would laugh in my face.
People here would think I'm sleeping my way to the top.
It's stupid for me to go out with him.
That's bunk.
I better sit down.
If you really like him, why shouldn't you date him? He's old.
He's nice.
Writing somebody off because of how old they are is a big mistake.
I was acting like a small, narrow-minded, bigoted Bonehead? Thank you.
I was having a lapse of vocabulary.
Don't listen to what I said.
O.
K.
First you say don't do it.
Then you say go for it.
Doctor, for which opinion are you thinking like a genius? Hi.
So So You go first.
I was wondering if maybe you'd like to Sign this requisition.
Oh.
Oh, here.
Sure.
Well.
Me, too.
I feel like a high school kid.
I think that's sweet.
Will you go out with me? Yes.
Are you sure we're doing the right thing? No, but it's just one day, right? That that's That's all.
At the end of the evening, we can decide about settling down, marriage, family.
I think that sounds like a reasonable waiting period.
I have tickets to the Hollywood bowl Tuesday.
We're going to see yo-yo ma.
I love them.
It's him.
I love him.
Yeah! There.
Now do you feel better? No.
I'd like to give that arrogant egomaniac a piece of my mind.
Well, it's just a gut feeling, but I don't think my mother yelling at him would help my case.
If I was having skull surgery, I'd want you there.
I look forward to it, vin.
Good night, boys.
Night, mom.
Night, Mrs.
h.
Oh, Mrs.
h.
Can you explain spaulding and canfield to me? A beautiful young girl dating an old guy? What gives? Vinnie, when you're a teenager, you think about your attraction to other people in purely sexual terms.
You mean we're shallow? You're hormonal.
But as you get older and sex isn't such a mystery anymore and you realize how complicated life is, you start to find other qualities attractive.
Nurturing.
Intelligence.
Stability.
Understanding.
Is that how Dr.
howser won your heart, Mrs.
h? Yes, it is.
I knew she wasn't hot for his bod.
Good night, vin.
None of that nurturing stuff for me, doog.
Even when I'm in a nursing home, I'll look at women in purely sexual terms.
It's the bedrock of my personality.
Vincent delpino, the world's oldest horndog.
Something you can count on.