Doug (1991) s02e11 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Woman:
Attention, shoppers:
For the next five seconds
in aisle three
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, SKEET AND I
WERE AT THE MALL WHEN
OH!
YOU GO AHEAD, SKEET,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY, PATTIE, LET ME
GIVE YOU A HAND.
OH, THEY'RE PRETTY
HEAVY, DOUG.
AW, NO PROBLEM.
SAY, THIS IS
A TAD WEIGHTY.
WHAT DID YOU BUY,
BARBELLS?
YEAH.
HEY, BEEBE,
HEY, CON.
THANKS, DOUG, MY ARMS
WERE KILLING ME.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
DOUG, ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M FINE, I'M FINE.
THERE'S A BUMP
IN THE SIDEWALK.
OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
I'VE GOT IT.
THANKS ANYWAY.
SOMEBODY SHOULD
FIX IT.
IT'S FULL OF
RONALD WISENHEIMMER!
Man:
SIGN UP FOR THE
ALL-BLUFFINGTON FITNESS TEST.
DID YOU SEE
GERMINATOR?
YEAH, WHAT A MOVIE.
HE TOOK THAT GUY
AND SLAPPED HIM
WITH HIS OWN FOOT!
OOH!
YEAH, "VY ARE YOU
KICKING YOURSELF?"
HE'LL BE HERE
FOR THE FITNESS TEST!
RONALD WISENHEIMMER,
HERE IN BLUFFINGTON!
HOW WILL WE CARRY
ALL THIS STUFF?
Doug as Wisenheimmer:
MAY I BE OF SERVICE?
All:
I'LL SAY!
NO PROBLEMO!
COME ON, SKEET,
LET'S GO SIGN UP.
DOUG, ARE
YOU SURE?
I MEAN,
CHIN-UPS AND
Man:
NEXT!
HEY, DOUG.
I SAID NEXT!
I'M NEXT, CHALKY.
VERY FUNNY, DOUG!
NEXT!
I'M NOT JOKING!
I WANT TO SIGN UP
FOR THE TEST.
YOU?
DOESN'T HE THINK
I CAN PASS THAT TEST?
YEAH, YOU SURE
YOU WAN
TO GO THROUGH
WITH THIS, MAN?
SKEETER, OF COURSE.
MAYBE I WON'
SET ANY RECORDS
BUT I'LL WORK OU
AND TRAIN
AND IN FOUR OR FIVE WEEKS,
I'LL PASS THAT TEST.
FOUR OR FIVE WEEKS?
THE TEST IS THE DAY
AFTER TOMORROW.
WHAT?
I MEAN, I KNEW THAT,
NO PROBLEM.
NOW I REALLY HAD TO THINK FAST.
LUCKILY, THERE WAS
ONE PERSON I KNEW
THAT WOULD AT LEAST
HAVE THE RIGHT EQUIPMEN
TO HELP ME GET INTO SHAPE.
MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR,
MR. DINK.
NOT TO WORRY,
DOUGLAS.
I HAVE A BRAND NEW
LAZY GUY WORKOUT SYSTEM.
NOT ONLY IS I
VERY EXPENSIVE
BUT IT MAKES
EXERCISING EASY!
HERE, I'LL
SHOW YOU.
Mr. Dink:
WHERE TO NEXT?
THE MOUNTAINS,
THE ARCTIC, THE MOON?
MRS. DINK
LOVES THAT ONE.
IT REMINDS ME OF OUR HONEYMOON.
SHOULDN'T I
BE SWEATING
OR SOMETHING?
NO NEED.
LAZY GUY DOES
IT ALL FOR YOU.
COME ON, LET'S WORK
ON YOUR ARMS.
Mr. Dink:
THAT A BOY!
I BET YOU THOUGH
WORKING OUT HAD
TO BE PAINFUL.
ISN'T IT FANTASTIC?
MR. DI I I NK!
I'LL GET IT,
DOUGLAS!
WHOA!
MR. DI I I NK
I'M NOT SO SURE
ABOUT MR. DINK'S
SYSTEM, PORKCHOP.
AH! I CAN'T LIFT THE PAPER.
TWO DAYS TILL THE BIG TEST,
AND I CAN'T LIFT THE PAPER.
I DECIDED I COULD USE A REAL
WORKOUT AT THE SCHOOL GYM.
OOH!
NO, NO!
YOU NEED TO STAR
OUT SLOW, DOUG.
HERE, LET ME
SHOW YOU.
SEE, THE IMPORTAN
THING IS
NOT TO
STRAIN YOURSELF.
DINKY WEIGHTS MIGHT HAVE BEEN
OKAY FOR CHALKY
BUT I ONLY HAD 24 HOURS LEFT
TO GET INTO TOP FORM.
THIS WASN'T SO HARD,
MAYBE IF I KEPT AT IT
YEAH.
Announcer:
IT'S GOING TO BE HARD
TO BEAT AL
IN THE SLATS
AND FLANCHES DEPARTMENT.
BUT KENNY HAS PERFECTLY
SYMMETRICAL CAMS AND ROLLERS.
DOUG HAS GREAT DEFINITION
IN THE LIFTERS
BUT THEY'RE ALL PUT TO SHAME
BY THIS BUFF YOUNG NEWCOMER.
[ cheering]
UGH!
AH!
DOUG, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
HELP!
[ crashing]
FINE, I'M FINE.
NO PROBLEM, JUST RESTING.
I WARNED YOU NO
TO LIFT SO MUCH.
THIS COUNTS YOU OU
OF THE TEST, HUH?
YEAH.
EVERYBODY WAS GOING TO THINK
I WAS A GOOF.
IT WAS HOPELESS.
OH!
AH! I GOT IT!
Skeeter:
GO!
THIS WAS IT!
I DIDN'T NEED MY FOOT
TO ROPE-CLIMB.
WITH PRACTICE I COULD BE
AS GOOD AS THOSE GUYS
ONBLOATSBURG GLADIATORS.
[ cheering]
Announcer:
THE DOUGSTER DID WELL
ON THE TURBO HEAD-BASHING ROUND
BUT WATCH OUT!
[ sinister laugh]
HERE'S RACE POURING
BUTTER ON THAT ROPE.
AH!
Announcer:
BAD FOR THE DOUGSTER,
AND HERE COMES QUEEQUEG!
THE DOUGSTER'S FALLEN!
OW!
WOO!
Announcer:
THIS IS AMAZING!
I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.
WHAT AN ATHLETE!
I DID IT! I DID IT! YES!
WHOOO
UH-OH!
I MEANT TO DO THAT.
OW! OW! OW!
THE NEXT DAY WAS THE DAY
OF THE FITNESS TEST.
RONALD WISENHEIMMER WAS THERE
WITH THE MAYOR.
LET'S GET A SHOT OF HIM
FEELING MY MUSCLE.
OW! HEY!
DOUG, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR HANDS?
ARE YOU STILL GOING
TO TAKE THE TEST?
NO. I'M JUS
HERE TO WATCH.
SORRY, MAN.
HEY, I GO
TO GO, SEE YA!
PATTIE.
DOUG, WHA
HAPPENED TO YOU?
OH, JUST A SCRATCH.
WHY AREN'T YOU OVER
THERE TAKING THE TEST?
I PULLED A MUSCLE,
CARRYING THOSE BAGS.
I DIDN'T REALIZE
HOW HEAVY THEY WERE.
YOU CAN STILL RUN,
CAN'T YOU?
I'M NOT SURE.
DON'T YOU THINK I'D
LOOK, WELL, GOOFY?
I DON'T THINK
YOU WOULD, PATTIE.
YOU ONLY GE
ONE CHANCE A YEAR.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
COME ON,
WE'LL GO TOGETHER!
WHAT?
WHY SHOULD
WE SIT HERE
WORRYING ABOU
LOOKING GOOFY?
I THINK SITTING IS
ABOUT ALL I CAN DO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S IT!
SIT!
OH! THIS IS GREAT!
THANKS, PATTIE.
Skeeter:
10, 11, YOU'RE DOING GREAT,
MAN, KEEP 'EM COMING.
SIT-UPS,
MAYBE I STILL HAD A CHANCE.
WOW! THAT'S MORE
THAN I'VE EVERDONE.
75, 76
[ cheering]
100, 101, 102
200, 201
Boy:
299, 300, 301
COME ON, CHALKY.
303
400!
DOUG, KEEP GOING!
YES!
Boy:
OH!
COME ON, DOUG!
CHALKY QUIT.
A FEW MORE AND YOU'VE
GOT THE RECORD!
COME ON, DOUG, KEEP GOING.
498
499
500
501! 501!
DOUG DID 501!
IT'S A NEW RECORD!
WAY TO GO!
[ cheering]
A NEW RECORD!
LET ME SHAKE
YOUR HAND.
VERY GOOD,
MR. BANDAGES.
SOMEDAY YOU WILL
BE LIKE ME.
THIS WAY,
MR. WISENHEIMMER
I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU
MY BOWLING TROPHIES.
BOWLING IS A
DEMANDING SPORT
Pattie:
YOU WERE WONDERFUL!
CONGRATULATIONS!
WAY TO GO, DOUG!
YOU GOT A LO
OF GUTS, MAN.
SO I SET A NEW SCHOOL
SIT-UP RECORD.
ONCE I STOPPED WORRYING
ABOUT IMPRESSING EVERYBODY
I FOUND OUT I WAS
A SIT-UP MACHINE.
[ yawns]
OOH, AH, EE.
AAAAAHH!
In our top story,
hotshot director
J.B. Spiggot
is talent-hunting for
his new film project.
Radio announcer:
Spiggot is looking
for a new face
for his next big movie.
HEY!
TIPPY, GUESS
WHO'S IN TOWN!
NO, HONEY, NOT ELVIS,
J.B. SPIGGOT.
HE'S LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME TO
I GUESS HE FOUND OU
I LIVED HERE.
OH, STOP, I DON'T HAVE
A FRESH NEW FACE.
BESIDES, I'VE NEVER TRIED
OUT FOR A MOVIE BEFORE.
OH, YOU GUYS!
HI THERE, SNOOKUMS.
WELL, YOUR LAMARRIKINS THINKS
YOU'D BE PERFECT FOR THE PART.
MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX!
NO, NOT YOU SUGAR MUFFIN.
[ tires screeching]
YES, MR. SPIGGOT?
YES, MR. SPIGGOT.
I AGREE,
RIGHT AWAY, SIR.
YOU'VE GO
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
WHAT'S THE NAME?
DOUG FUNNIE,
AND MY DOG, PORKCHOP.
[ barks]
YOU'RE RIGHT!
HE'S PERFECT!
WHAT A FACE!
SO YOUNG! SO FRESH!
SO TODAY!
SO HERE'S OUR CARD.
OUR PEOPLE WILL
CALL YOUR PEOPLE.
"J.B. SPIGGO
DIRECTOR,
BIG SHOT MOVIE PRODUCTIONS."
ME? A MOVIE STAR?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
Doug:
DO YOU THINK THAT GUY
WAS FOR REAL?
J.B. SPIGGOT I WONDER
IF ANYBODY'S HEARD OF HIM.
SPIGGOT IS
SO MUNDANE.
SO CLICHE.
SO BOURGEOIS.
OH, I'D GIVE ANYTHING
TO BE IN ONE OF HIS MOVIES.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
TESTING, ONE, TWO, THREE,
VOTE FOR ME
THIS IS GOING TO BE
HIS BIGGEST MOVIE.
YOU'VE HEARD
OF THIS GUY?
HE'S FAMOUS!
HE DID WAFFLESTOMPER,
THE REVENGE OF WAFFLESTOMPER
WAFFLESTOMPER STRIKES AGAIN.
REALLY, THAT WAS HIM?
HE'S LOOKING
FOR A NEW STAR.
I MIGHT LET HIM
PICK ME
TO BE THE NEW
WAFFLESTOMPER.
IF YOU PLAY
YOUR CARDS RIGH
YOU COULD
PLAY MY GIRL.
BACK OFF, ROGER!
WOW! THE NEW WAFFLESTOMPER!
BACK OFF, ROGER!
REALLY, MY DEAR MISS MAYO
DON'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO!
[ knocking]
All:
HUH?
[ screaming]
WAFFLESTOMPER!
TRICK OR TREAT!
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.
I HATE STUPID CATCHPHRASES.
GET HIM, BOYS!
All:
WOW!
AH!
OH, I HATE YOU, WAFFLESTOMPER,
YOU BIG-FOOTED BABOON.
OUCH! YOU BURNED ME.
CITIZENS, THIS IS
AN EXCITING DAY.
TO SEE ALL YOUR SMILING
REGISTERED FACES HERE
TO WELCOME THIS
GIANT MOVIE MOGUL
REMINDS ME OF WHEN
I WAS IN MY FIRST MOVIE.
IT TAKES A GREAT MAYOR
TO MAKE A GREAT MOVIE.
THANK YOU MR. MAYOR, AND
YOU FINE PEOPLE OF, AH
BLUFFINGTON.
BLUFFINGTON.
HERE IS THE GREAT DIRECTOR,
J.B. SPIGGOT.
I AM HIS ASSISTANT, CURTIS.
MR. SPIGGOT HAS ASKED ME TO TELL
YOU THAT HE IS VERY EXCITED
ABOUT THE PROSPEC
OF FINDING HIS NEW STAR
RIGHT HERE
IN BLUFFINGTON.
AND MR. SPIGGOT SAYS
THAT HE STILL WANTS
TO LOOK AT MORE OF YOU
BUT HE NEEDS TO SEE YOU
ALL IN YOUR OWN ELEMENT.
SO WHEN YOU SEE HIM AROUND TOWN,
ACT AS IF HE'S NOT THERE.
SO HE CAN SEE
YOU BEING YOU.
OH!
YOU HEARD THAT,
SPIGGOT'S NOT HERE!
WHEN YOU SEE HIM,
IGNORE HIM!
Mayor:
LET ME BEGIN
IGNORING MR. SPIGGO
BY REMINDING YOU
THAT VOTING
IS A PRIVILEGE,
SO VOTE FOR ME!
WAIT TILL EVERYBODY FINDS OUT
MR. SPIGGOT PICKED ME.
Judy:
DID YOU SEE
HOW HE LOOKED AT ME?
YES, I KNOW I SAID HIS MOVIES
WERE MUNDANE, GIMLE
BUT I'LL TAKE THIS MOVIE
AND USE IT AS
A STEPPING STONE
INTO MORE ARTISTIC ENDEAVORS.
CIAO!
BESIDES
IF I DON'T GET THIS
PART, I'LL JUST DIE!
DO YOU MIND?
JUDY, I
POOR JUDY
WHEN SHE FINDS OU
THAT I'M THE ONE
THAT SPIGGOT PICKED
WHY, SHE'LL BE CRUSHED.
HELLO, DOUGLAS.
TA-DA!
OOH, THAT SMARTS.
MR. DINK?
RIGHT! I'M ON
MY WAY TO THE MALL.
WORD IS, J.B. SPIGGO
IS THERE SHOPPING.
WHAT ARE YOU
DRESSED UP
LIKE THAT FOR?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR?
THE MOVIE IS
A SUPERHERO FILM.
SUPERHERO?
I HEARD IT WAS
A SPACE ADVENTURE FLICK!
I JUST HEARD HE'S
DOING A MONSTER MOVIE!
HOP IN AND WE'LL FIND OU
FOR OURSELVES.
AWAY!
[ singing]
JUST BECAUSE
THIS BIG SHOT'S IN TOWN
LOOK AT HOW GOOFY
EVERYBODY'S ACTING.
Man:
DOESN'T IT LOOK
EVERYBODY EXCEPT JUDY.
I'M GLAD SHE DIDN'
KNOW ABOUT THIS.
SHE'S SO WORKED UP
OVER BEING THE STAR
SHE WOULD DO
SOMETHING CRAZY.
[ moaning]
OH, NO!
OH!
MOVE OVER,
AMATEURS.
JUDY, WAIT, DON'T
[ crying]
Man:
LA, LA, LA
AAH!
IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME.
BUT PLEASE, SIRS,
MY CHILD!
JUDY HAD BLOWN A GASKET
OVER THIS MOVIE STAR THING.
I DECIDED TO
BREAK THE NEWS TO HER
BEFORE SHE FOUND OUT
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
HEY, JUDY
WHAT IF YOU DIDN'T GET PICKED
FOR SPIGGOT'S MOVIE?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
DID YOU SEE
HOW HE LOOKED AT ME?
BUT WHAT IF YOU
DIDN'T GET THE PAR
AND SOMEONE
ELSE DID?
LIKE WHO?
WELL, LIKE ME.
YOU?
WHY IF HE CHOSE YOU
I'D HURL MYSELF RIGHT OFF
MOUNT ST. BUSTER.
YOU!
HA, HA.
POOR JUDY, IF I TOLD HER,
IT WOULD RUIN HER LIFE FOREVER.
OH, THEM GOLDEN SLIPPERS
OH, THEM GOLDEN SLIPPERS
OH, THEM GOLDEN SLIPPERS
[ giggling]
[ continues singing]
HERE YOU ARE.
BLESS YOU, SIR.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HER
END UP LIKE THA
BUT WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?
QUIET! MR. SPIGGOT HAS
AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
TODAY A STAR
WILL BE BORN.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
THIS WAS TERRIBLE.
I COULDN'T DO THIS TO JUDY.
ACTING MEANT EVERYTHING TO HER.
THE NEW STAR IS YOU!
NO, I CAN'T; I'M SORRY,
PLEASE GO WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
HUH?
NOT YOU.
YOU!
[ yelps]
Crowd:
OH!
PORKCHOP?
HE'S PERFEC
FOR OUR DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL!
All:
DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL?
WHY DID YOU
WANT TO SEE US?
All:
YEAH!
WELL, SOMEBODY'S GO
TO OPEN THE CAN.
All:
WAIT! ME! ME! I'LL DO IT.
WELL, MR. SPIGGOT'S
DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL
WENT WITHOUT A HITCH.
THE BEST PART WAS
JUDY GOT TO BE IN IT.
DON'T YOU LOVE
THE MINIMAL UNDERSTATEMENT?
MY CAREER WAS OVER
BEFORE IT STARTED
BUT JUDY'S HANDS GOT
A TASTE OF STARDOM
AND EVERYONE WENT BACK
TO NORMAL-- EXCEPT PORKCHOP!
I THINK THAT COMMERCIAL WENT
TO HIS HEAD A LITTLE BIT.