Duck Dynasty (2012) s02e11 Episode Script

1 Jase: I never figured out them guys who go to Italy to run with the bulls.
- No, Spain.
- Spain, Italy.
It seems like a thin line between a matador and a rodeo clown.
- What are they thinking? - They're not thinking.
Why don't anybody just jump on the thing - and ride it down to the finish line? - That's what I'm talking about.
- Just spur him.
- That's what I'm saying.
( laughs ) - You got the wood duck calls done? - Nope.
We're waiting on reeds from Si.
- Where is he? - He's napping.
- Yup.
- It's the middle of the day.
- Yup.
- My gosh.
I'm gettin' him.
Si has a condition.
He's a "redneckeleptic.
" - Si? - It's kind of like being a narcoleptic, but instead of falling asleep randomly, he only falls asleep when he's on the job.
- Hey! - ( snoring ) I just mention work and you'd think I just shot him with a horse tranquilizer.
He's out like a light.
( snoring ) - Si! - What? - You're supposed to be working.
- What do you mean? - We're waiting on reeds right now.
- Who is? The company! ( mutters ) Hey, look here.
Napping is just like hunting.
You walk through the warehouse, you look over there-- hey, perfect spot.
Boom! I'm asleep.
- I'm not paying you just to sleep.
- Who is? - Si.
- What? - Hey.
- What are you yelling for? - Si, you ain't working.
- Work, work, work.
You've shut all the production down.
So get on up.
Let's get going.
- Be at the duck call room.
- I'll be there in a few minutes.
Willie: All right.
Work hard.
Nap hard.
Hey, that's what I always say, Jack.
Willie: Get your butt up.
Let's get to work.
Si: Give me about 15 more minutes.
I'm dreaming about beavers.
( music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S02E11 Duck No We Won't Go == Willie: These guys just don't take it seriously, you know? That's part of the growing business-- what I've had to deal with.
Well, that's where I think I can help you, Willie.
The key to it all is evaluating every avenue of production and try to make things flow together.
Since Duck Commander's business is booming, I brought in a business consultant - to help us maximize our efficiency.
- ( yells ) - Si: What I'm talkin' 'bout.
- He's gonna have his hands full with this bunch of slappies.
What are y'all doing? We're taking a break because it's raining.
We're inside, you idiot.
When it's raining, people that work outside take a break.
- But you're not working outside.
- Jase: Yeah.
- You're working inside.
- I'm for equal opportunity for everybody.
- Yeah.
- Si: Look, Willie, it's not rocket science.
We're on a rain break.
You give it a few minutes, the storm will pass, then we'll go back to work.
This is Dickie.
He's a business consultant.
- He's gonna help us out with some ideas.
- How you doing? It's hard to take a man seriously with the name Dickie.
Richard's here to make us more efficient.
- We're gonna be more productive.
- Efficient at what? - Working! - Working? We're trying to make this business better.
Jase: When is Willie gonna learn that we are operating under maximum efficiency? This thing's over.
There's changes a-comin', son.
Jase: You know, when somebody says, "Do your best.
" This is the best we got.
- You're finished.
Go back to work.
- Why don't you-- hey.
- Why don't you take a dunk at it? - See if you can slam it.
Yeah, here we go.
Whoa! Si: He's gone crazy.
He's into soccer, man.
Si: The boy's got a pretty good leg.
Look at this.
Look at this.
- Look at this.
- It's too much.
- Look at it.
- Phil: Hey.
Now what am I gonna do? Kay: Usually I bring my hot boudin to the church potluck dinner and they stand in line for 'em.
It's supposed to be 100 people, but they didn't eat.
Kay: I've never had such a problem getting people to eat my boudin.
Must be skinny girls-- all they're worried about is if they gain an ounce.
You know, I think you could take a couple of these trays.
No.
You need sausage, honey.
Well, the reason y'all had all that boudin left-- these skinny girls, they don't eat boudin.
- I eat everything.
- Hey.
Phil: I can eat four or five pounds of boudin in just one sitting, just about.
It literally is better than sex when you're my age.
You like a good, healthy woman like me, don't you? Hey, I like a woman who's got a little meat on her bones.
Phil: Sex or boudin, honey? Uh let's go with boudin.
Hey, good call.
What are you gonna do, give it away? Gotta do something.
This is ridiculous.
My friend has an old truck that we could serve out of.
What is it, an 18-wheeler or some kind of big rig or what? No, it was an ice cream truck that she converted to sell food out of.
- It's perfect.
- I like it, I like it.
- Jessica: There you go.
- I have one question.
I know this is a crazy question.
Who's gonna drive the truck? I'm thinking about you.
So what do I get out of this deal? Kay: All the boudin you can eat and I might even give you some kisses later.
- What about that? - Now that might work right there.
One of them backroom meetings.
- I like it, Miss Kay.
- Thank you.
Phil: I'll get my money's worth before this day's over.
- What's up, guys? - Jase: What's up with this? - What is this crap here? - Just have a seat, Si.
Willie: I wanted to call a meeting about the rules of the workplace and efficiency.
This is what we need to bring us together.
I'm excited about it, and I think they're gonna like it.
"Employees' rules and regulations, policies and procedures," and other stuff to control you.
Si, sit down.
We're gonna talk about it in a second.
You done lost your mind.
Look here.
The Vietcong had a bunch of rules and regulations, too.
You see how that ended.
Bah-woom! Talkin' 'bout-- that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
What did you do with our food room here? This ain't the food room, it's the conference room.
It was the food room.
Where we took our breaks to eat.
Yeah, and all your food has been dumped in the garbage.
- Believe me, I cleared it out.
- ( chuckles ) What? I knew this was a bunch of crap.
We lost our eating place.
Now we done lost our refrigerator, too.
I had a ham sandwich in there.
That's been-- yeah, that's gone.
- Godwin: Where we gonna eat at? - Willie: We're not eating right now.
We're having a meeting about teamwork.
And, by the way, I do have some awesome, new, free uniforms.
This is not a beauty contest.
Do we look like beauty contestants to you? Hey, I'm putting lipstick on the pig, so - You're putting lipstick-- what? - Yeah.
You can wear lipstick if you want to.
This is not Barbie and Ken that you're playing with back here, okay? Quit trying to dress me up.
The only way that I would wear that is if I was dead - and you put that on me before you put me in the ground.
- And bury him.
You will wear these or I'll dock your pay.
Jase: I feel like if I put these clothes on, I'm gonna look like a vacuum cleaner salesman.
I'm not doing it.
I'll tell you that right now.
I ain't asking permission.
We doing it, all right? - Team uniforms.
- We make duck calls.
- Quack, quack.
- That's it.
Quack, quack.
Put your uniforms on, boys.
Martin: Does that shirt have a collar on it? I don't have a neck.
That don't work.
Jase: Si, now I see why you've worn that ponytail all these years.
Martin: Si been wearing that ponytail to look more professional.
- Si's got a rattail.
- Martin: He got a squirreltail back there.
- Si: Hey, that's it.
- Godwin: Squirreltail.
- What are y'all doing? - Si: Working.
- Jase: Working? - Yeah.
I cannot believe y'all put those uniforms on.
Pathetic.
You think that you're working with men.
This is ridiculous.
You're not gonna pay me enough money to wear something that I would only wear if I were dead.
And that's because I would have no choice in the matter.
Jase: Jep, you look feminine.
- You actually look feminine.
- I'm just trying to look professional, man.
- Si? - Hey.
You look like you're headed toward your own funeral.
- I don't like it.
- Hey, wearing this uniform makes me want to kick my own butt.
This has gone way, way, way too far.
Nerd alert, and, hey, I'm it.
You think these uniforms are bad? He took the doggone rim off our basketball goal.
- Huh? - Not a fan.
I want my hoop back.
"Warden Willie" at it again.
I can't work in this environment.
He's trying to cause a riot.
- Hey-hey-hey.
- ( duck call squeals ) Willie: Y'all look awesome.
- Godwin, smoking.
- I can't breathe.
You look good, though.
What's up with this crap? Willie: Well, if it isn't my wayward brother Jase.
Who, apparently, is hearing-impaired as well.
All right, Jase, here you go.
I'll sign it for you.
Jase, go get your uniform.
I am not wearing a uniform, ever.
All right, I'm docking your pay.
All right, dock my pay.
Okay, you want to play the corporate game and act like we don't know each other-- I'll play that game.
You wanna go corporate America on us, - then we'll just go on strike.
- ( laughs ) I'm walking out this door and I'm not coming back.
I'm with Jase on this and that's historic.
Jep: We finito.
Finished.
I'm walking out.
- Hey.
- Si: I ain't gonna do it anymore.
- Godwin: That was my ham sandwich.
- Willie: I don't need y'all.
I can build my own frickin' duck calls.
If y'all can do it, anybody can do it.
Jessica: Phil, Miss Kay? - Kay: Hey.
- Jessica: Hey, hey, hey.
- Check this out.
- ( gasps ) Oh, my goodness.
Look at that.
- Phil: Boudin bus.
- That is amazing.
- You like these? - I love 'em! - Don't you love 'em? - Oh, I'm all fired up.
At 50 I would've said, "No, you ain't getting me on no food truck.
" - Boy, this is a pretty snazzy-looking little rig.
- Kay: Oh, my goodness.
But at 66 okay, let's go riding on the food truck.
- Pretty cool.
- Phil: My manhood is not gone yet, but the food truck-- you're going that way.
Citizens of West Monroe, Miss Kay's boudin.
Get it while it lasts.
I'm not a eunuch, but I'm getting close.
Everything is perfect.
Let's go grab the food and grab your shirts.
- Hey, let's go with it.
- Let's go for it.
- Phil: I like it.
- Kay: Come on, Bobo.
You can go with us.
Jase: We're fixed to bring Duck Commander and Willie to their knees.
- Martin: Mm-hmm.
- Looky there.
Martin: Godwin, that's not how you spell "sandwich.
" We're trying to come together.
Big and small.
- Dumb and smart.
- Gimme my "samitch.
" - Si: "Samitch.
" - Mainly dumb.
- Jase: These uniforms suck.
- Si: That's right.
We're sticking this out because Willie's wrong.
I don't know, but I've been told All: I don't know, but I've been told These uniforms suck, there ain't no doubt about it All: These uniforms suck, there ain't no doubt about it Si: I'm gonna wipe my feet on it - ( laughs ) - Jase: What I'd rather do is go hunting in protest, but I'm trying to teach Willie a lesson.
I do not submit to stupidity.
- Si: What do you want anyway? - Martin: No, no.
Not what do they want, - what do we want.
- All right.
This will be a fun venture today.
- Is this better than a day at the land? - No.
Well, Boudin Buggy coming down the road.
All right, I see some kids right here, Kay.
You might make a sale right here.
Phil: My job and Miss Kay's job is to enlighten the yuppie world.
Boudin has come to the subdivision.
- ( horn honks ) - Girl: Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! - Jessica: No ice cream.
Boudin.
- Boudin? These yuppie kids don't know what boudin is.
- What's in it? - It's hog guts full of rice and some seasoning.
- Get you some of it.
- All: Ugh.
Phil: These days-- show the yuppie kids a hog liver, and they're like, "Whoa.
" Hey, it's hot, it's fast, it's cheap.
Skinny ones in the front, fat ones in the back.
- Let's go! - No, no.
- I wanted ice cream.
- Phil: Them yuppie kids ain't hungry enough.
- That's their problem.
- Phil: Yuppie kids are missing out and don't even know it.
Move on, nerds.
Moving on, yuppie kids.
- Jase: They may take our basketball goals.
- Yeah.
- They may take our paycheck.
- Martin: Already done it.
But they'll never take our freedom! - That's what I'm talking about, Jack! - ( horn honking ) People are honking.
We've got our signs.
We're getting our message out.
I feel like I'm making a difference in this world.
- Martin: I'm ready to fight now.
- Hey, that makes two of us.
( chuckling ) - This is stupid.
- Your policies are stupid.
- Mm-hmm.
- Jase, this ain't funny.
- Get your butt back to work.
- Si: Work, work, work.
Nobody takes time to stop and smell the roses.
Hey, so, Jack, we're smelling the roses.
Si: I'm gonna tell you from personal experience.
One time I was smelling the roses, a big bumblebee stung me on the nose.
So, hey, from then on-- look here, you can smell the roses, but, hey, smell them quick or a bumblebee's liable to nail you.
Here's the deal.
Let's call a truce.
You ready to call the uniform idea? - No.
- You gonna put my rim back on the basketball goal? - No.
- You gonna fire the business consultant? - Nope.
- Forget it.
- Nope.
- Hit the road, Jack.
- Willie: Hey.
- And don't come back no more, no more, no more, no more, no more, no more, no more, Jack.
- Boy, that's two Jacks in that statement.
- That's what I'm talking 'bout.
I'll have you replaced by the end of the day.
- Good luck on that.
- Call your wives, call your kids.
You ain't gettin' a paycheck, boys.
I'm the boss.
What I say goes.
No questions asked.
I lay down the law.
I am the law.
You look like the redneck Don Johnson to me.
- ( laughs ) - Si: That's it, Jack.
- Dang it.
- Martin: What's wrong? You need a key? Si: Houston, we have a problem.
I really gotta put a handle on that door.
- The walk of shame.
- Willie: Cool inside, suckers.
- Jase: So what do we want? - Martin: Basketball! - Respect! - When do we want it? - Immediately! - Soon! - Hey! - ( crow caws ) We've got some organizational issues.
What do we want? We've got a problem with articulation.
Ham "samitch.
" But we're united.
- Hey, I'm hungry.
- You doggone right.
I'll call Jessica and get her up here.
- They're selling boudin, I think.
- Boudin? - Yeah.
- That's my favorite food.
I'll call her and get her up here.
I'm actually pretty hungry myself.
All: Call her! Jase: That's all we need is freedom and boudin.
Hey, babe.
Hey, we're up here striking at work.
Can you bring that boudin up here? - Si: A bunch of it.
- A bunch of it.
- About 10 pounds' worth.
- All of it.
Okay.
All right, bye.
She's coming.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Look here, boys.
I'm fixin' to sit down in the shade over here till Jessica gets up here with the boudin.
- Jase: Si, we're striking.
- Si: I am, too, till I get some food.
- Willie.
- Willie: Hey.
- What are you doing? - I'm on fire.
You can't put all these duck calls together by yourself.
I am putting all these duck calls together by myself.
I'm not gonna let these idiots stop production.
That's exactly what they want to happen.
- Seriously? - Willie: All I need to do is show them I can build duck calls without them and they'll come crawling back.
( bleats ) - That's not what it's supposed to sound like.
- No? ( spurts ) - That's something.
- That's not a duck.
- I'm fine.
I am fine as wine.
- Seriously? That there is what they call a "redneck chariot.
" - Martin: Bring on the boudin.
- Jessica: Miss Kay's hot boudin coming through.
- Si: Okay.
- Look at all them good-looking bearded men right there.
- Si: Uh-huh.
- Pull on right in here.
Si: That's it.
The cavalry has arrived.
Hallelujah, boys.
It's boudin time.
- Phil: What's all the signs? - We on strike.
Jase: Let me tell you what your son implemented.
He had a rulebook about that thick.
He then brought out various uniforms and acted like-- that I was fixed to put one on.
I'm with you on no suits, no uniforms.
- I'm with you on that.
- But Daddy will wear my shirt, won't he? Jase: This is embarrassing.
I'm thinking at least my dad will understand where I'm coming from.
And then I look at him and think, "We have a problem.
" I figured the beard was a dead giveaway - that I'm a grown man.
- Not really.
I'm not gonna put up with stupidity - and I'm not gonna be treated like I'm six.
- Kay: You're acting like kids.
I'm gonna get Korie, I'm gonna get a bowl of boudin, and we're gonna settle this.
Now.
Phil: It'd be best if you listen to your mother.
She's given you good, sound, kind, gentle, motherly advice.
- I would take that advice.
- If he's willing to compromise.
- No lip.
- But if you don't take that advice, then you've got to deal with me and I'll tear your butt up.
I'm not wearing a uniform.
- Phil: Sic 'em, Miss Kay.
- It's your call.
Boys, let me tell you something.
Miss Kay bore all four of those boys of mine, and when I saw 'em come forth from her loins-- the first thing that struck me is a woman's a lot tougher than I thought they were.
And the second thing that struck me is my sex life is over as I know it.
( laughter ) Man, I was about to ask where the boudin was.
Yeah, yeah.
No.
Good grief.
Hey.
Phil done killed my appetite.
You know, I'd-a probably threw my boudin sausage up anyway.
Having said that, I salute women worldwide.
That's it.
I think he's coming.
This is stupid.
- Don't make a face.
- You got Mom involved in this now? - You better believe it.
- Willie: Let me tell you something.
Mom's sweet and everything, but when it comes to us, she will kick us in the Willie, I've been trying to handle y'all for years.
Korie: Come on, Willie.
Work it out.
- Well, tell him he's being ridiculous.
- He's being ridiculous.
- I'm outta here.
- No, you're not.
You're gonna grow up and act like the man you are.
And you're gonna grow up and act like the man you are.
There's got to be some give-and-take here.
Put the basketball goal back up.
- No slam dunk contest.
- What?! When we have a big order to fill.
- All right.
- Don't take four lunch breaks a day.
Okay.
And no rulebooks.
No megaphones.
- Okay.
- Now you both say you're sorry.
- Ha! - Yes, you are.
- And you are.
- Korie: All right, say it together.
- Come on, y'all can do this.
- Do not laugh.
- I'm sorta sorry.
- Willie: I apologize.
- He said "sorta.
" - I didn't lose.
This doesn't mean I lose.
Hey, I ain't saying I'm wrong, but if a basketball hoop can keep me out of the duck call room, it's worth it.
- Pitiful, but come on.
- Hey, I count that.
- I'm not hugging.
- Yeah, you are.
I ain't hugging him.
I've always made the boys hug in the past and they always make up.
- Korie: Give your brother a hug.
- Stop touching me.
This is gonna set 'em straight or I'm gonna get the wooden spoon.
- Stop touching me.
- Now don't we love each other? Aw, yes, we do.
All's well that ends well.
- Yeah, he said he's sorry.
- I said I'm sorta sorry.
Sorry like a sorry turd.
- Kay: Let's eat.
- Willie: It's the truth-- I'm sick of making duck calls.
Korie: Jase, that megaphone is annoying.
Jase: But I love the megaphone.
Willie: Running the Robertson family business is all about give and take.
I give them a few duck calls to make, and I take a lot of crap for it.
Folks, let's bow.
Father, we thank You for another good day.
Thank You for the food You bless us with.
I pray, Father, that You help us be patient, - especially with each other.
Amen.
- All: Amen.
But as with all families, there will always be protest and demands.
Like, "let me dress like a hobo," and "give me my 'samitch.
'" When push comes to shove, we usually find a way to reach an agreement.
Otherwise, Miss Kay will slap you right upside your face.