Evil (2019) s02e11 Episode Script
I Is for IRS
1
My dewy-eyed Disney bride,
what has tried ♪
Swapping your blood
with formaldehyde? ♪
Monsters? ♪
Whiskey-plied voices
cried fratricide ♪
Jesus, don't you know
that you could've died? ♪
You should've died ♪
With the monsters that talk ♪
Monsters that walk the earth ♪
And she's got red lipstick
and a bright pair of shoes ♪
And she's got knee-high socks,
what to cover a bruise ♪
She's got an old death kit
she's been meaning to use ♪
She's got blood in her eyes,
in her eyes for you ♪
She's got blood ♪
In her eyes for you ♪
Certain fads ♪
Stripes and plaids ♪
Singles ads ♪
They run you hot and cold
like a rheostat ♪
I mean a thermostat ♪
So you bite on a towel ♪
Hope it won't hurt too bad ♪
My dewy-eyed Disney bride,
what has tried ♪
Swapping your blood
with formaldehyde? ♪
And she says, "I like
long walks and sci-fi movies ♪
You're six foot tall
and East Coast bred ♪
Some lonely night
we can get together ♪
And I'm gonna tie
your wrists with leather ♪
And drill a tiny hole into your head ♪
I'm gonna drill a tiny hole
into your" ♪
So, what is this about?
No idea.
But it's not an exorcism?
His Eminence said she'll be
the scariest woman that we've ever met.
- Seriously?
- I don't know. He chuckled.
So, uh, how many days
before you're cooked?
18 days.
And we can't convince you to give it up?
You will never get laid again.
That's not what I hear.
Priests do pretty well.
I'm sorry. That's a weird thing to say.
Thank you for coming in early.
This is Ms. Anita Iota.
And these are our assessors,
David, Kristen
- Ben.
- Ben.
Hello.
So, uh, Ms. Iota, how can we help you?
We need your advice.
We? Who's we?
The IRS.
Is the Church being audited?
Why? Should it be?
An IRS joke.
I'm sure the Catholic Church
is using every penny
of its substantial funds
for altruistic purposes.
Yeah, except for the lawsuits.
Ms. Iota has requested the Church form
a new opinion on an organization
applying for federal recognition
as a religion.
For tax-exempt purposes?
- Yes.
- As part of our process,
we consider the opinions of neighboring
federally recognized religions.
What new religion?
The New Ministry of Satan.
The New Ministry? There's an old one?
- Several.
- And what does the IRS base its decision on?
Four criteria.
One: The organization
must be operated exclusively
for worshipping a deity or deities.
The nature of that deity
is not in question.
It is that the organization
actually believes in it.
Two: The net earnings may not inure
to the benefit of one person.
Three: The organization's
purposes may not be illegal.
Are you texting?
No, it's just how she take notes.
Finally, four:
No substantial part
of the church's activity
should be about influencing
legislation or politics.
- Really?
- Well, I would admit
that criteria is more honored
in the breach.
So that's all you have to do
to become a religion?
And some combination of a creed,
history, literature
and place of worship.
So you want us to stop it
from being tax-exempt?
We don't determine that.
But it would be helpful
if you could guide the IRS
to see that it doesn't deserve
tax-exempt status.
What if they actually believe in Satan?
Belief is the greatest
hurdle to tax-exempt status,
but it's not the only hurdle.
Is this church involved in politics,
or can it be implied that it is?
You mean unlike the Catholic Church?
The key is to not look
biased against their beliefs.
We have to use the language
of the IRS to stop this church.
So, uh, where is this church?
That doesn't look like
the Ministry of Satan.
Yeah, I'd call that hiding
your light under a bushel.
- What? Is that blasphemous?
- Why don't you let me do the talking?
You afraid they're gonna convert us?
What do you need?
Uh, we're here at the request
of the Internal Revenue Service.
Oh, right. Uh, be right down.
Hi. Graham Lucian, chief of operations.
You the Catholic team?
Yes, uh, David, Kristen and Ben.
Step into my office, please.
Good to meet you guys.
We've already had the, uh,
Presbyterians and the Mormons.
Good guys.
They said they'd pray for us.
I said I'd pray for them, too.
- I think that freaked them out.
- You pray a lot?
Three times a day:
morning, noon and night.
- Are they answered?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Our Father Below controls the world,
so I get exactly what I want.
- Yeah, like what?
- Oh
My enemies harmed, uh,
no gray hair, no acne, parking spaces.
- Are your prayers answered?
- I don't pray.
Really? Must be the New Catholicism.
Do you believe in Satan?
Wow, you guys really jump into it, huh?
Uh, yeah, but I wouldn't call it belief.
I know Satan.
Hmm. How do you know him?
Do you guys want a drink?
No, we're good. How do you know Satan?
The same way you know Jesus.
He just makes sense to you,
describes the world to you.
Satan does the same for me.
Except not you.
Is this your formal place of worship?
No, no. God, this is the front office.
We've only been
up and running six months.
Temple's in the back. Come on.
So, what are you doing?
- Uh, filling orders.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- You mind if I see?
- Uh, sure.
- How much are these?
Those are all 35.
- Are they popular?
- Oh, yeah.
More so at Christmas.
Mm. So this is a big moneymaker?
- Our cost is about six bucks.
-
- So you tell me.
-
Which one is the favorite?
Mm
This one.
We're most proud
of our statue of Baphomet.
So this is your established
place of worship?
Yes. One of the IRS requirements.
You seem very aware of what we need.
Well, I've been reading
the IRS literature.
Have to clear that tax-exempt bar.
- Do you have regular service?
- We do.
When?
Friday, 8:00 p.m. Join us.
A distinct membership?
Oh, we doubled our membership
in, uh, two months.
Yeah, from what to what?
- I'd have to check those numbers.
- Guess.
Started with eight, and now we have 12.
Not much of a congregation.
It's as many as Christ had.
And here is some of our literature.
What's your creed?
Do what you want
unless it hurts someone.
If someone presents themselves
as your adversary, destroy them.
And look for rewards now, not after.
- Satan, all glory.
- "Destroy them"? How?
Not in any way that would break
the laws of the United States.
Tell me how you pray to Satan.
Oh, Father Below, lend me your power
to do what I want
to who I want, and, uh
take away all my regrets,
burning them in your hellfire,
and et cetera, et cetera.
Not much of a prayer.
Well, I'm working on it.
This is a scam, isn't it?
Oh, ye of little faith.
No more a scam than your Church.
Let me ask you a question.
If this church doesn't really
believe in Satan
and all they're doing
is just selling T-shirts,
then aren't they just harmless?
Yeah, possibly.
Let's collect our data
and brief His Eminence.
The exorcism will be spread
over three nights,
six hours every night.
You'll want to quit,
but quitting is not an option.
I won't quit, Father.
I never do.
This is the final rite of exorcism.
It is intense, and it's grueling.
- But in the end, I'll be clean?
- Or dead.
Whoa.
That's a bit melodramatic.
I will be performing the rite.
We'll start tonight.
But I need you to sign
this consent form.
It acknowledges the possible dangers.
Can I have a minute to read this
and consult with my spiritual counselor?
I need your answer by the time I leave,
or I'm moving on to the next exorcism.
Ouch.
Not a lot of Christian love there.
Oh, he sees through you.
- What is that?
- Hmm?
Oh.
- Where is this place?
-
The address is on the back.
They're looking for new members.
This is blasphemy.
What are you smiling about?
These idiots don't believe in Satan.
They're just co-opting the Devil
to get press
and piss off religious people.
And tax-exempt status.
Sons of bitches.
These people should be
strung up by their toes,
their throats slit and the blood
poured on an altar.
How do you know they don't believe?
Look at this. "We're not a time-share".
Look at these pictures.
Kids, picnics.
"Satan cares about your future".
What, are they insane?
What is belief in Satan about?
Power.
Rejection of authority.
Manipulation. Violence.
Disgust with people like you.
This guy, this dick
Graham he doesn't care
about any of that.
He's just using it.
Here, go ahead.
Tell that priest I'm ready.
When you tell me that you're fine
and I know that you're not,
it makes me feel confused
about our relationship.
- Yeah, but that's because I am fine.
- Kristen.
Mirroring.
When I say I'm fine even though
you know I'm not fine,
it makes you confused
in our relationship.
- Is that what you're saying?
- Yes.
And would you like to add
anything to that?
No.
Good.
Kristen, your turn.
When you keep asking me, "Are you fine?"
even though I am fine,
it makes me think that you feel guilty
about leaving your family
for six months out of the year.
- Kristen.
- What?
He can speak his truth,
I can't speak mine?
As long as it's not score settling.
Oh, my gosh. Can we just talk, Andy?
- Yeah, we haven't been talking.
- Well, then talk to me now.
- What is the problem?
- You know,
I think it's best to stick
with the mirror exercise.
Are you sleeping with someone?
Well, good.
- The truth exercise.
- Kurt, shh.
No, I'm not sleeping with anyone.
Not Ben?
What? No.
Of course not.
Not David?
No.
He's becoming a priest. Uh
I would never.
Are you sleeping with anyone?
Kristen, look at me and tell me
that you're not sleeping with David.
Andy, I-I shouldn't have
to tell you anything.
You should trust me as I trust you.
Okay. Good session.
Andy, would you excuse, um, us
for-for just a minute?
I thought that went well.
Kurt, I'm hallucinating again.
Are you still taking the risperidone?
Yeah, two a night.
- And there's no progress?
- No.
If-if anything, it's-it's worse.
Well
I think I should prescribe
something else.
Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
God, the Father in heaven
God, the Son, Redeemer of the world
Stop. I'm on fire.
I need some water.
My body is on fire.
Holy Mary, pray for us.
Holy Mother of God, Holy Virgin.
Do you really believe
that Mary was a virgin?
That whore.
All holy saints of God
Stop it. Stop it, please.
You're hurting me.
Holy Lord, Almighty Father
She said stop.
You do not know the power you provoke.
Apostate tyrant to the flames of hell.
All holy saints of God
Are you all right, David?
No.
He couldn't fake that, could he?
Fake that?
No.
He's sleeping now.
We'll return tomorrow.
Hey.
- Waiting on Ben?
- Uh-huh.
Um, real quick, Kristen.
I'm gonna need your help tonight.
Okay. With what?
Leland's exorcism.
Are you kidding?
- Why?
- Something changed.
I don't know what. It
You were talking about
this adrenaline jolt
with Raymond Strand.
- Hysterical strength.
- Right.
I think there's something
like that here.
He launched a priest against a wall.
He launched ?
He kicked a priest,
who flew eight feet across the room.
And there were, uh,
these voices coming out of him.
Do you think Leland's starting
to take his exorcism seriously?
No, I
I think God is.
Monthly real estate rental:
$23,000 a month.
Three full-time employees:
$9,000 a month total.
Not much money in Satanism.
Not yet, but their, uh, T-shirt sales
are up 20% each month.
And their Christmas sales
should be up 80% over last year.
So you think the best way
of stopping them
is criteria number two,
they're making money?
Yeah.
I mean, this operating officer
has tripled his business
over the last year.
I agree.
I have something I want you to hear.
This came in this morning.
I saw a beast come out of the sea
with ten horns and seven heads.
It was granted authority
over every tribe,
people, tongue, nation.
And all that were on earth
worshipped the Beast.
I am Bishop Jim from the New Ministry,
and this is your holy scripture
and doctrine.
It is ours as well. Praise Satan.
This sounds like someone who believes.
Find out if this Bishop Jim
is faking it or not.
We're here to see Bishop Jim.
Hey, thanks for coming.
Jim wanted to meet you.
Are you having services here tonight?
Yeah, back there.
That's Iris.
- Nice lady.
- Seems it.
Hey, the Catholic Church
could do a hell of a lot better
with altar girls like her.
Note taken.
You grant us indulgence
in our carnal desires
Wow. Good production values.
Jim is the Sister Aimee of Satanism.
Hail Satan.
Giver of the fruit of free will
that delivered us from
blind ignorance and allegiance.
- Hail Satan.
- Hail Satan.
You grant us indulgence
in our carnal desires.
Hail Satan.
Jim. You got a minute?
Ah.
These are the Catholic assessors.
Yes.
Hello, David, Kristen, Ben.
We didn't want to, uh,
interrupt your services.
Oh. No, no.
This is just a dress rehearsal.
Ooh. Can I see?
Sure.
Oh, Saint Christopher.
Hmm? Why him?
- Why do you think?
- Large man.
Wanted to serve the greatest king,
so he served my Father Below.
Until he realized Satan feared God,
so he wasn't the greatest.
How things have changed.
If Christopher were alive today,
who would he serve?
- You tell me.
- How did we kill him again?
Burning metal rods up his ass, right?
He resisted.
All he had to do was
condemn God, but he resisted.
That's power.
Really? Who would you rather be?
The man having burning rods
stuck up his ass
or the man putting them there?
- Do you, uh, pray to Satan?
- All the time.
Ask me about our creed.
I know the IRS cares about our creed.
You find these religious
debates boring, too?
Jim could go on for hours and hours.
What do you want out of this?
Is this some kind of IRS trap?
Of course.
Look, I believe in the real Satan.
Right? Not some cute little
horned papier-mâché doll.
I believe in force, a tide of power.
- Satan as metaphor?
- No, it's real.
When you hate someone
for cutting you off in traffic,
is that real?
If you're married
and you flirt with someone,
they brush up against you
and you feel their erection,
is that real?
You think it's Satan?
It's not God.
God wants us to live castrated.
But I look at you,
and I see your nipples
peeking through your blouse.
That's not God.
No, that's your imagination.
Look, Satan loves female sexuality.
He wants women to take charge.
Ah, and yet, all I see
is half-naked women here.
I mean, for a phallic religion,
it's not a lot of phalluses.
Join us, you could change all of that.
We still need a chair
for the women's auxiliary.
Am I funny?
Yeah, yeah.
Whenever I see
white supremacists marching,
or gamer boys trolling women online,
or you, I always wonder,
don't you guys have day jobs?
You still going out?
Yeah. Work.
I, uh, thought we'd have
dinner together.
Tomorrow's my last day.
I already promised.
Let's do it tomorrow.
God damn you.
May God arise.
May His enemies be scattered.
Please stop, stop, stop!
- Please, please.
- May His foes flee before Him
- as smoke is blown away
- Fuck you.
by the wind.
You can't hurt him.
I am not deceived.
We are the deception.
Sancte Michael Archangele,
defende nos in proelio
Holy Lord,
Almighty Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ
Hold on to him!
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the Devil.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the Devil!
O Prince of the Heavenly Father,
by the power of God, cast into Hell
all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the power of God, cast into Hell
and all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
No. No.
It's not real.
It's not real, it's not real
defende nos in proelio,
contra nequitiam et insidias
diaboli esto praesidium
Tequila.
What a coincidence.
Hey.
You know, I was just thinking about you.
What?
Are you following me?
Something like that.
You trying to convert me?
No.
No, I don't really believe.
And I don't think you do, either.
Let's go.
Where?
Get in.
Lower your pants.
No foreplay?
Lower your pants.
- You done this before?
- What do you care?
I'm just making small talk.
No.
So what is this about?
What do you think?
Ah.
This is my advice.
Go upstairs quietly, take a bath,
wash every inch of you,
then drain the water
and take a shower.
Gargle, get a trash bag,
put all of those clothes in it,
and tell nobody.
I don't know what
you think happened, Mom.
I know what happened, honey.
It was the same when I came home to Dad.
Put some real garbage
in the trash bag on top of your clothes.
The trash is collected tomorrow.
I'll take it out before Andy can see.
I just I had something
on my panties. That's all.
Something sticky?
Listen, um, if you ever
want to talk, I don't judge.
Yeah, what do you need?
Help.
Too tired.
Sheryl, you know I would only call if
Leland, you're no fun when you're needy.
I'm not trying to be fun!
Oh, God.
You know this only works
if it's transactional, right?
What do you want?
Oh, I don't know. What you got?
Edward.
Okay.
Give me 20 minutes.
Bring root beer.
How did it go?
Fine.
Just your everyday exorcism.
We made cookies. We missed you.
Oh, I missed you, too.
Oh
Oh, I'm really glad.
Hmm? What's wrong?
Just something in the bathroom.
Kurt, I'm hallucinating.
I-I-I know. We're modifying
your medication.
No, I have to stop right now.
No more olanzapine.
No more, uh, amisulpride to alleviate
the side effects of the olanzapine
Kristen, we agreed it was a good idea
I'm seeing monsters that aren't there.
But coming down from
the medication can be
- just as dangerous
- Who are you working for?
What?
Are you sleeping with my mom?
Is-is she having you do this?
- What?
- I don't believe you, Kurt.
- Not anymore.
- Kristen, this is paranoia.
It would be paranoia
if I had no justification.
Sit down. Let's talk.
No. You're fired.
What?
I am done coming here.
That is not a good idea.
It's the best idea I've had.
You're in league with them.
- You gave my therapy notes to Leland.
- They were stolen.
And now you're sleeping with my mom
and you're feeding her information.
We need to talk.
Okay, you tell me again
how I'm paranoid.
- I am on with my wife.
- Sure!
Listen. Talk to her.
Hey, Leland.
Hello?
Mahna mahna ♪
Mahna mahna ♪
Leland?
Mahna mahna ♪
Hello?
Where are you?
Oh, God.
Wha-What is going on?
I'm being hunted.
Okay, come on.
Get up. Let's go.
I don't think I can stand.
Oh, please don't be such a baby.
Fine.
Come on. Come here. Let's go.
Sit first. Sit.
One leg up.
The other leg.
You okay?
There you go.
All right.
Drink this.
All right. More?
The two women from the airport.
How many more nights of this?
- What?
- This exorcism.
One.
Can you survive it?
Yes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Remember our agreement?
I do.
All righty, then.
Rinse off.
And you're saying this has nothing to do
with your deep philosophical differences
with the New Ministry of Satan?
Correct. The organization fails
two of the IRS's four core criteria.
It is not operated exclusively
for worshipping Satan.
- Uh, Kristen?
- Yes.
Six months before
this "church" was formed,
Graham Lucian and Jim Logger
were selling these T-shirts.
And they only created this pamphlet
when they applied for tax-exempt status.
Anything else?
Yes. The, uh, net earnings
are for one individual. Ben?
Yeah, the, uh, bank statements
show that the profits
were pocketed by Graham Lucian,
including the church collections.
As you can see, our assessors
are not biased, but they do conclude
that the New Ministry of Satan
does not live up to IRS standards.
Well presented.
The two gentlemen from this church
have asked to be heard
after your presentation.
What?
They've argued that your team is biased,
and they wanted to offer their piece.
Mr. Lucian, Mr. Logger, please come in.
Oh, look who it is. Hi, Jesus.
Gentlemen.
Lady.
So, what's the bias?
I'm an atheist.
I don't care who you worship.
- And Kristen is an agnostic.
- I know.
We talked.
Then what is the bias?
Ah.
Kristen slept with me last night,
and now she wants to hurt me.
Really?
Well, that's an original way to go.
Kristen, any response?
Is this not true?
Oh, are you kidding me?
I would rather sleep with Satan himself.
You are such a liar.
What do you want me to do?
Swear on a stack of Bibles
or the Satanic Bible?
- You tell me.
- Okay.
I think we're done here.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Um, we're not.
Satan isn't.
He's coming for you.
All three of you.
Take care.
Well, that proves one thing.
No matter how powerful
Satan and God are,
the IRS is stronger.
- Please, no. Please stop it.
- May God arise.
May His enemies be scattered.
May His foes flee!
Help me, Satan. Deliver me.
He is on your side.
I will be delivered.
May His foes flee before Him.
As smoke is blown away by the wind,
may you blow them away.
O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the power of God, cast into Hell
and all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
I believe in God, the Father Almighty.
Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ.
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit.
Do you renounce the Devil
and all his works?
- I do.
- I do.
Do you tell the Devil
that he no longer has power over you
because you no longer live
in his kingdom of darkness?
- I do.
- I do.
Do you claim
the protecting power of God?
I am a new man.
Father, you did it.
You have given me a fresh start.
I can't thank you enough.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's not over yet.
You need to pray every night.
Here is my own personal rosary.
Oh, my God.
That is so sweet of you.
David, look.
I am so blessed.
But I hope that David will remain
my spiritual adviser.
I would advise it.
Kristen?
Hello?
Kristen?
Are you all right?
Have you been in there all this time?
Are you okay?
I am.
Did that one get to you?
What one?
The exorcism.
I lost you in the middle of it.
I was wondering if you were
done with this job.
No, I'm just getting started.
Can I ask you
If you don't believe in God,
can an exorcism work on you?
Sure.
God exists despite
what any individual thinks.
Right, but for a placebo to work,
a patient has to believe in the drug.
Yes, but
an exorcism isn't a placebo.
That's where you and I disagree.
Oh, wow.
I don't think I've ever seen
the stars like this in the city.
New moon.
Oh, my gosh.
My husband leaves tonight.
When?
Ten minutes.
Oh, you better hurry, huh?
Sorry.
Uh, hey.
Thanks for being here.
Hey.
Just wanted to say goodbye.
Your Uber is outside.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
I'm sure Kristen had to work late.
- Yeah. Just tell her I'll call.
- Definitely.
You've reached Andy Bouchard
at Eighth Summit Trekking.
Please leave a message.
Andy, I'm on my way home.
Please don't leave yet. I'm
I'm so sorry. I-I need to see you.
I've I've been off.
I've And it's not you.
It's it-it's been me, and
I'm so sorry. You and the kids are
are the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
No.
My gosh.
- Oh!
- Mmm.
I got your message.
I was worried I'd missed you.
I got another flight for tomorrow.
Here.
What's this?
This is a fire puja.
It's for purification.
It's Tibetan Buddhism.
So, what you do is,
you
write down the thing
that you want purified,
and then you dip the paper
in some butter or margarine.
Okay.
So you write your affliction.
And go.
Oh, and if it involves a person,
you draw a circle of protection
around the name.
Why?
Because burning a person's
name is not a good thing.
Now, we never mention this
to each other ever again.
My God, this is so much better
than that mirror exercise.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dip it in here.
- It's warm.
- Okay.
Okay.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
One, two, three. Go.
What happens now?
I go sell the business.
And when I come home
you and I have a fresh start.
Hey.
My dewy-eyed Disney bride,
what has tried ♪
Swapping your blood
with formaldehyde? ♪
Monsters? ♪
Whiskey-plied voices
cried fratricide ♪
Jesus, don't you know
that you could've died? ♪
You should've died ♪
With the monsters that talk ♪
Monsters that walk the earth ♪
And she's got red lipstick
and a bright pair of shoes ♪
And she's got knee-high socks,
what to cover a bruise ♪
She's got an old death kit
she's been meaning to use ♪
She's got blood in her eyes,
in her eyes for you ♪
She's got blood ♪
In her eyes for you ♪
Certain fads ♪
Stripes and plaids ♪
Singles ads ♪
They run you hot and cold
like a rheostat ♪
I mean a thermostat ♪
So you bite on a towel ♪
Hope it won't hurt too bad ♪
My dewy-eyed Disney bride,
what has tried ♪
Swapping your blood
with formaldehyde? ♪
And she says, "I like
long walks and sci-fi movies ♪
You're six foot tall
and East Coast bred ♪
Some lonely night
we can get together ♪
And I'm gonna tie
your wrists with leather ♪
And drill a tiny hole into your head ♪
I'm gonna drill a tiny hole
into your" ♪
So, what is this about?
No idea.
But it's not an exorcism?
His Eminence said she'll be
the scariest woman that we've ever met.
- Seriously?
- I don't know. He chuckled.
So, uh, how many days
before you're cooked?
18 days.
And we can't convince you to give it up?
You will never get laid again.
That's not what I hear.
Priests do pretty well.
I'm sorry. That's a weird thing to say.
Thank you for coming in early.
This is Ms. Anita Iota.
And these are our assessors,
David, Kristen
- Ben.
- Ben.
Hello.
So, uh, Ms. Iota, how can we help you?
We need your advice.
We? Who's we?
The IRS.
Is the Church being audited?
Why? Should it be?
An IRS joke.
I'm sure the Catholic Church
is using every penny
of its substantial funds
for altruistic purposes.
Yeah, except for the lawsuits.
Ms. Iota has requested the Church form
a new opinion on an organization
applying for federal recognition
as a religion.
For tax-exempt purposes?
- Yes.
- As part of our process,
we consider the opinions of neighboring
federally recognized religions.
What new religion?
The New Ministry of Satan.
The New Ministry? There's an old one?
- Several.
- And what does the IRS base its decision on?
Four criteria.
One: The organization
must be operated exclusively
for worshipping a deity or deities.
The nature of that deity
is not in question.
It is that the organization
actually believes in it.
Two: The net earnings may not inure
to the benefit of one person.
Three: The organization's
purposes may not be illegal.
Are you texting?
No, it's just how she take notes.
Finally, four:
No substantial part
of the church's activity
should be about influencing
legislation or politics.
- Really?
- Well, I would admit
that criteria is more honored
in the breach.
So that's all you have to do
to become a religion?
And some combination of a creed,
history, literature
and place of worship.
So you want us to stop it
from being tax-exempt?
We don't determine that.
But it would be helpful
if you could guide the IRS
to see that it doesn't deserve
tax-exempt status.
What if they actually believe in Satan?
Belief is the greatest
hurdle to tax-exempt status,
but it's not the only hurdle.
Is this church involved in politics,
or can it be implied that it is?
You mean unlike the Catholic Church?
The key is to not look
biased against their beliefs.
We have to use the language
of the IRS to stop this church.
So, uh, where is this church?
That doesn't look like
the Ministry of Satan.
Yeah, I'd call that hiding
your light under a bushel.
- What? Is that blasphemous?
- Why don't you let me do the talking?
You afraid they're gonna convert us?
What do you need?
Uh, we're here at the request
of the Internal Revenue Service.
Oh, right. Uh, be right down.
Hi. Graham Lucian, chief of operations.
You the Catholic team?
Yes, uh, David, Kristen and Ben.
Step into my office, please.
Good to meet you guys.
We've already had the, uh,
Presbyterians and the Mormons.
Good guys.
They said they'd pray for us.
I said I'd pray for them, too.
- I think that freaked them out.
- You pray a lot?
Three times a day:
morning, noon and night.
- Are they answered?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Our Father Below controls the world,
so I get exactly what I want.
- Yeah, like what?
- Oh
My enemies harmed, uh,
no gray hair, no acne, parking spaces.
- Are your prayers answered?
- I don't pray.
Really? Must be the New Catholicism.
Do you believe in Satan?
Wow, you guys really jump into it, huh?
Uh, yeah, but I wouldn't call it belief.
I know Satan.
Hmm. How do you know him?
Do you guys want a drink?
No, we're good. How do you know Satan?
The same way you know Jesus.
He just makes sense to you,
describes the world to you.
Satan does the same for me.
Except not you.
Is this your formal place of worship?
No, no. God, this is the front office.
We've only been
up and running six months.
Temple's in the back. Come on.
So, what are you doing?
- Uh, filling orders.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- You mind if I see?
- Uh, sure.
- How much are these?
Those are all 35.
- Are they popular?
- Oh, yeah.
More so at Christmas.
Mm. So this is a big moneymaker?
- Our cost is about six bucks.
-
- So you tell me.
-
Which one is the favorite?
Mm
This one.
We're most proud
of our statue of Baphomet.
So this is your established
place of worship?
Yes. One of the IRS requirements.
You seem very aware of what we need.
Well, I've been reading
the IRS literature.
Have to clear that tax-exempt bar.
- Do you have regular service?
- We do.
When?
Friday, 8:00 p.m. Join us.
A distinct membership?
Oh, we doubled our membership
in, uh, two months.
Yeah, from what to what?
- I'd have to check those numbers.
- Guess.
Started with eight, and now we have 12.
Not much of a congregation.
It's as many as Christ had.
And here is some of our literature.
What's your creed?
Do what you want
unless it hurts someone.
If someone presents themselves
as your adversary, destroy them.
And look for rewards now, not after.
- Satan, all glory.
- "Destroy them"? How?
Not in any way that would break
the laws of the United States.
Tell me how you pray to Satan.
Oh, Father Below, lend me your power
to do what I want
to who I want, and, uh
take away all my regrets,
burning them in your hellfire,
and et cetera, et cetera.
Not much of a prayer.
Well, I'm working on it.
This is a scam, isn't it?
Oh, ye of little faith.
No more a scam than your Church.
Let me ask you a question.
If this church doesn't really
believe in Satan
and all they're doing
is just selling T-shirts,
then aren't they just harmless?
Yeah, possibly.
Let's collect our data
and brief His Eminence.
The exorcism will be spread
over three nights,
six hours every night.
You'll want to quit,
but quitting is not an option.
I won't quit, Father.
I never do.
This is the final rite of exorcism.
It is intense, and it's grueling.
- But in the end, I'll be clean?
- Or dead.
Whoa.
That's a bit melodramatic.
I will be performing the rite.
We'll start tonight.
But I need you to sign
this consent form.
It acknowledges the possible dangers.
Can I have a minute to read this
and consult with my spiritual counselor?
I need your answer by the time I leave,
or I'm moving on to the next exorcism.
Ouch.
Not a lot of Christian love there.
Oh, he sees through you.
- What is that?
- Hmm?
Oh.
- Where is this place?
-
The address is on the back.
They're looking for new members.
This is blasphemy.
What are you smiling about?
These idiots don't believe in Satan.
They're just co-opting the Devil
to get press
and piss off religious people.
And tax-exempt status.
Sons of bitches.
These people should be
strung up by their toes,
their throats slit and the blood
poured on an altar.
How do you know they don't believe?
Look at this. "We're not a time-share".
Look at these pictures.
Kids, picnics.
"Satan cares about your future".
What, are they insane?
What is belief in Satan about?
Power.
Rejection of authority.
Manipulation. Violence.
Disgust with people like you.
This guy, this dick
Graham he doesn't care
about any of that.
He's just using it.
Here, go ahead.
Tell that priest I'm ready.
When you tell me that you're fine
and I know that you're not,
it makes me feel confused
about our relationship.
- Yeah, but that's because I am fine.
- Kristen.
Mirroring.
When I say I'm fine even though
you know I'm not fine,
it makes you confused
in our relationship.
- Is that what you're saying?
- Yes.
And would you like to add
anything to that?
No.
Good.
Kristen, your turn.
When you keep asking me, "Are you fine?"
even though I am fine,
it makes me think that you feel guilty
about leaving your family
for six months out of the year.
- Kristen.
- What?
He can speak his truth,
I can't speak mine?
As long as it's not score settling.
Oh, my gosh. Can we just talk, Andy?
- Yeah, we haven't been talking.
- Well, then talk to me now.
- What is the problem?
- You know,
I think it's best to stick
with the mirror exercise.
Are you sleeping with someone?
Well, good.
- The truth exercise.
- Kurt, shh.
No, I'm not sleeping with anyone.
Not Ben?
What? No.
Of course not.
Not David?
No.
He's becoming a priest. Uh
I would never.
Are you sleeping with anyone?
Kristen, look at me and tell me
that you're not sleeping with David.
Andy, I-I shouldn't have
to tell you anything.
You should trust me as I trust you.
Okay. Good session.
Andy, would you excuse, um, us
for-for just a minute?
I thought that went well.
Kurt, I'm hallucinating again.
Are you still taking the risperidone?
Yeah, two a night.
- And there's no progress?
- No.
If-if anything, it's-it's worse.
Well
I think I should prescribe
something else.
Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy.
God, the Father in heaven
God, the Son, Redeemer of the world
Stop. I'm on fire.
I need some water.
My body is on fire.
Holy Mary, pray for us.
Holy Mother of God, Holy Virgin.
Do you really believe
that Mary was a virgin?
That whore.
All holy saints of God
Stop it. Stop it, please.
You're hurting me.
Holy Lord, Almighty Father
She said stop.
You do not know the power you provoke.
Apostate tyrant to the flames of hell.
All holy saints of God
Are you all right, David?
No.
He couldn't fake that, could he?
Fake that?
No.
He's sleeping now.
We'll return tomorrow.
Hey.
- Waiting on Ben?
- Uh-huh.
Um, real quick, Kristen.
I'm gonna need your help tonight.
Okay. With what?
Leland's exorcism.
Are you kidding?
- Why?
- Something changed.
I don't know what. It
You were talking about
this adrenaline jolt
with Raymond Strand.
- Hysterical strength.
- Right.
I think there's something
like that here.
He launched a priest against a wall.
He launched ?
He kicked a priest,
who flew eight feet across the room.
And there were, uh,
these voices coming out of him.
Do you think Leland's starting
to take his exorcism seriously?
No, I
I think God is.
Monthly real estate rental:
$23,000 a month.
Three full-time employees:
$9,000 a month total.
Not much money in Satanism.
Not yet, but their, uh, T-shirt sales
are up 20% each month.
And their Christmas sales
should be up 80% over last year.
So you think the best way
of stopping them
is criteria number two,
they're making money?
Yeah.
I mean, this operating officer
has tripled his business
over the last year.
I agree.
I have something I want you to hear.
This came in this morning.
I saw a beast come out of the sea
with ten horns and seven heads.
It was granted authority
over every tribe,
people, tongue, nation.
And all that were on earth
worshipped the Beast.
I am Bishop Jim from the New Ministry,
and this is your holy scripture
and doctrine.
It is ours as well. Praise Satan.
This sounds like someone who believes.
Find out if this Bishop Jim
is faking it or not.
We're here to see Bishop Jim.
Hey, thanks for coming.
Jim wanted to meet you.
Are you having services here tonight?
Yeah, back there.
That's Iris.
- Nice lady.
- Seems it.
Hey, the Catholic Church
could do a hell of a lot better
with altar girls like her.
Note taken.
You grant us indulgence
in our carnal desires
Wow. Good production values.
Jim is the Sister Aimee of Satanism.
Hail Satan.
Giver of the fruit of free will
that delivered us from
blind ignorance and allegiance.
- Hail Satan.
- Hail Satan.
You grant us indulgence
in our carnal desires.
Hail Satan.
Jim. You got a minute?
Ah.
These are the Catholic assessors.
Yes.
Hello, David, Kristen, Ben.
We didn't want to, uh,
interrupt your services.
Oh. No, no.
This is just a dress rehearsal.
Ooh. Can I see?
Sure.
Oh, Saint Christopher.
Hmm? Why him?
- Why do you think?
- Large man.
Wanted to serve the greatest king,
so he served my Father Below.
Until he realized Satan feared God,
so he wasn't the greatest.
How things have changed.
If Christopher were alive today,
who would he serve?
- You tell me.
- How did we kill him again?
Burning metal rods up his ass, right?
He resisted.
All he had to do was
condemn God, but he resisted.
That's power.
Really? Who would you rather be?
The man having burning rods
stuck up his ass
or the man putting them there?
- Do you, uh, pray to Satan?
- All the time.
Ask me about our creed.
I know the IRS cares about our creed.
You find these religious
debates boring, too?
Jim could go on for hours and hours.
What do you want out of this?
Is this some kind of IRS trap?
Of course.
Look, I believe in the real Satan.
Right? Not some cute little
horned papier-mâché doll.
I believe in force, a tide of power.
- Satan as metaphor?
- No, it's real.
When you hate someone
for cutting you off in traffic,
is that real?
If you're married
and you flirt with someone,
they brush up against you
and you feel their erection,
is that real?
You think it's Satan?
It's not God.
God wants us to live castrated.
But I look at you,
and I see your nipples
peeking through your blouse.
That's not God.
No, that's your imagination.
Look, Satan loves female sexuality.
He wants women to take charge.
Ah, and yet, all I see
is half-naked women here.
I mean, for a phallic religion,
it's not a lot of phalluses.
Join us, you could change all of that.
We still need a chair
for the women's auxiliary.
Am I funny?
Yeah, yeah.
Whenever I see
white supremacists marching,
or gamer boys trolling women online,
or you, I always wonder,
don't you guys have day jobs?
You still going out?
Yeah. Work.
I, uh, thought we'd have
dinner together.
Tomorrow's my last day.
I already promised.
Let's do it tomorrow.
God damn you.
May God arise.
May His enemies be scattered.
Please stop, stop, stop!
- Please, please.
- May His foes flee before Him
- as smoke is blown away
- Fuck you.
by the wind.
You can't hurt him.
I am not deceived.
We are the deception.
Sancte Michael Archangele,
defende nos in proelio
Holy Lord,
Almighty Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ
Hold on to him!
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the Devil.
Be our protection against the wickedness
and snares of the Devil!
O Prince of the Heavenly Father,
by the power of God, cast into Hell
all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the power of God, cast into Hell
and all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
No. No.
It's not real.
It's not real, it's not real
defende nos in proelio,
contra nequitiam et insidias
diaboli esto praesidium
Tequila.
What a coincidence.
Hey.
You know, I was just thinking about you.
What?
Are you following me?
Something like that.
You trying to convert me?
No.
No, I don't really believe.
And I don't think you do, either.
Let's go.
Where?
Get in.
Lower your pants.
No foreplay?
Lower your pants.
- You done this before?
- What do you care?
I'm just making small talk.
No.
So what is this about?
What do you think?
Ah.
This is my advice.
Go upstairs quietly, take a bath,
wash every inch of you,
then drain the water
and take a shower.
Gargle, get a trash bag,
put all of those clothes in it,
and tell nobody.
I don't know what
you think happened, Mom.
I know what happened, honey.
It was the same when I came home to Dad.
Put some real garbage
in the trash bag on top of your clothes.
The trash is collected tomorrow.
I'll take it out before Andy can see.
I just I had something
on my panties. That's all.
Something sticky?
Listen, um, if you ever
want to talk, I don't judge.
Yeah, what do you need?
Help.
Too tired.
Sheryl, you know I would only call if
Leland, you're no fun when you're needy.
I'm not trying to be fun!
Oh, God.
You know this only works
if it's transactional, right?
What do you want?
Oh, I don't know. What you got?
Edward.
Okay.
Give me 20 minutes.
Bring root beer.
How did it go?
Fine.
Just your everyday exorcism.
We made cookies. We missed you.
Oh, I missed you, too.
Oh
Oh, I'm really glad.
Hmm? What's wrong?
Just something in the bathroom.
Kurt, I'm hallucinating.
I-I-I know. We're modifying
your medication.
No, I have to stop right now.
No more olanzapine.
No more, uh, amisulpride to alleviate
the side effects of the olanzapine
Kristen, we agreed it was a good idea
I'm seeing monsters that aren't there.
But coming down from
the medication can be
- just as dangerous
- Who are you working for?
What?
Are you sleeping with my mom?
Is-is she having you do this?
- What?
- I don't believe you, Kurt.
- Not anymore.
- Kristen, this is paranoia.
It would be paranoia
if I had no justification.
Sit down. Let's talk.
No. You're fired.
What?
I am done coming here.
That is not a good idea.
It's the best idea I've had.
You're in league with them.
- You gave my therapy notes to Leland.
- They were stolen.
And now you're sleeping with my mom
and you're feeding her information.
We need to talk.
Okay, you tell me again
how I'm paranoid.
- I am on with my wife.
- Sure!
Listen. Talk to her.
Hey, Leland.
Hello?
Mahna mahna ♪
Mahna mahna ♪
Leland?
Mahna mahna ♪
Hello?
Where are you?
Oh, God.
Wha-What is going on?
I'm being hunted.
Okay, come on.
Get up. Let's go.
I don't think I can stand.
Oh, please don't be such a baby.
Fine.
Come on. Come here. Let's go.
Sit first. Sit.
One leg up.
The other leg.
You okay?
There you go.
All right.
Drink this.
All right. More?
The two women from the airport.
How many more nights of this?
- What?
- This exorcism.
One.
Can you survive it?
Yes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Remember our agreement?
I do.
All righty, then.
Rinse off.
And you're saying this has nothing to do
with your deep philosophical differences
with the New Ministry of Satan?
Correct. The organization fails
two of the IRS's four core criteria.
It is not operated exclusively
for worshipping Satan.
- Uh, Kristen?
- Yes.
Six months before
this "church" was formed,
Graham Lucian and Jim Logger
were selling these T-shirts.
And they only created this pamphlet
when they applied for tax-exempt status.
Anything else?
Yes. The, uh, net earnings
are for one individual. Ben?
Yeah, the, uh, bank statements
show that the profits
were pocketed by Graham Lucian,
including the church collections.
As you can see, our assessors
are not biased, but they do conclude
that the New Ministry of Satan
does not live up to IRS standards.
Well presented.
The two gentlemen from this church
have asked to be heard
after your presentation.
What?
They've argued that your team is biased,
and they wanted to offer their piece.
Mr. Lucian, Mr. Logger, please come in.
Oh, look who it is. Hi, Jesus.
Gentlemen.
Lady.
So, what's the bias?
I'm an atheist.
I don't care who you worship.
- And Kristen is an agnostic.
- I know.
We talked.
Then what is the bias?
Ah.
Kristen slept with me last night,
and now she wants to hurt me.
Really?
Well, that's an original way to go.
Kristen, any response?
Is this not true?
Oh, are you kidding me?
I would rather sleep with Satan himself.
You are such a liar.
What do you want me to do?
Swear on a stack of Bibles
or the Satanic Bible?
- You tell me.
- Okay.
I think we're done here.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Um, we're not.
Satan isn't.
He's coming for you.
All three of you.
Take care.
Well, that proves one thing.
No matter how powerful
Satan and God are,
the IRS is stronger.
- Please, no. Please stop it.
- May God arise.
May His enemies be scattered.
May His foes flee!
Help me, Satan. Deliver me.
He is on your side.
I will be delivered.
May His foes flee before Him.
As smoke is blown away by the wind,
may you blow them away.
O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the power of God, cast into Hell
and all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
I believe in God, the Father Almighty.
Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ.
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit.
Do you renounce the Devil
and all his works?
- I do.
- I do.
Do you tell the Devil
that he no longer has power over you
because you no longer live
in his kingdom of darkness?
- I do.
- I do.
Do you claim
the protecting power of God?
I am a new man.
Father, you did it.
You have given me a fresh start.
I can't thank you enough.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's not over yet.
You need to pray every night.
Here is my own personal rosary.
Oh, my God.
That is so sweet of you.
David, look.
I am so blessed.
But I hope that David will remain
my spiritual adviser.
I would advise it.
Kristen?
Hello?
Kristen?
Are you all right?
Have you been in there all this time?
Are you okay?
I am.
Did that one get to you?
What one?
The exorcism.
I lost you in the middle of it.
I was wondering if you were
done with this job.
No, I'm just getting started.
Can I ask you
If you don't believe in God,
can an exorcism work on you?
Sure.
God exists despite
what any individual thinks.
Right, but for a placebo to work,
a patient has to believe in the drug.
Yes, but
an exorcism isn't a placebo.
That's where you and I disagree.
Oh, wow.
I don't think I've ever seen
the stars like this in the city.
New moon.
Oh, my gosh.
My husband leaves tonight.
When?
Ten minutes.
Oh, you better hurry, huh?
Sorry.
Uh, hey.
Thanks for being here.
Hey.
Just wanted to say goodbye.
Your Uber is outside.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
I'm sure Kristen had to work late.
- Yeah. Just tell her I'll call.
- Definitely.
You've reached Andy Bouchard
at Eighth Summit Trekking.
Please leave a message.
Andy, I'm on my way home.
Please don't leave yet. I'm
I'm so sorry. I-I need to see you.
I've I've been off.
I've And it's not you.
It's it-it's been me, and
I'm so sorry. You and the kids are
are the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Okay, I'll see you soon.
No.
My gosh.
- Oh!
- Mmm.
I got your message.
I was worried I'd missed you.
I got another flight for tomorrow.
Here.
What's this?
This is a fire puja.
It's for purification.
It's Tibetan Buddhism.
So, what you do is,
you
write down the thing
that you want purified,
and then you dip the paper
in some butter or margarine.
Okay.
So you write your affliction.
And go.
Oh, and if it involves a person,
you draw a circle of protection
around the name.
Why?
Because burning a person's
name is not a good thing.
Now, we never mention this
to each other ever again.
My God, this is so much better
than that mirror exercise.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dip it in here.
- It's warm.
- Okay.
Okay.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
One, two, three. Go.
What happens now?
I go sell the business.
And when I come home
you and I have a fresh start.
Hey.